Oh, Like You've Never Acted Crazy After Hitting a J?

Crazy man with orange bandana tucked under baseball cap: Hoooly shit! (pause) Holy shit! Does this train run express?
New Yorker next to him: No, I don't think so.
Crazy man: Oh, oh, okay. Holy shit.
(train arrives at Marcy Ave.)
Crazy man, loudly
: Well, everybody, it looks like I'm getting off here. Gotta get the bus. This subway shit is too slow.

(train pulls out from Marcy Ave and carriage connection door opens, crazy man stands on it yelling incoherently from outside the train)

–J Train

Overheard by: Katherine

Won’t They Feel Silly When They Discover the Hobo’s Dead

Tourist girl #1: Hey, look behind me.
Tourist girl #2: What? All I see is a wall.
Tourist girl #1: No, you dumb shit — on the ground.
Tourist girl #2: Oh, it’s just a hobo. Oh my god, it’s a hobo! [Screaming] Ahhh! I’m scared of hobos! Will he rape me?!
Tourist girl #1: Shut up, retard. Just ’cause he is a sleeping hobo doesn’t mean he can’t hear you. And no, he won’t rape you.
Tourist girl #2: Oh, well, good thing I’m with you — I feel safer.
Tourist girl #1: Why?
Tourist girl #2: ‘Cause if anyone was gonna rape one of us, they would pick you to rape first — you’re way prettier — so while they were raping you I could run away screaming.
Tourist girl #1: Shut up. You’re a freak.

–Netherlander Theatre

Overheard by: rent head

Why Plumbers Usually Have Offices in Chelsea

Drunk chick #1: You know, you were totally right. I come so much harder from anal!
Drunk chick #2: See! I told you it was the best. Except… Well… I told you about that one problem.
Drunk chick #1: Yeah, I know. Now I take the most enormous shits ever!

A gay couple is standing a few feet away, laughing hysterically.

Queer: Oh, honey, you’re preaching to the choir out here.

–Crobar, W 27th St

You Can See Wednesday's One-Liners from the Back

Girl on phone with mom: It was the worst day of my life! Ducky and Phil were both in the car smoking, thinking they were above the law and shit. And I know the cops were just questioning me because I had big boobs.

–1 Train

Girl: Hold on, you're garotting your boob.

–170th St & Audubon Ave

Large black woman on cell phone: It doesn't my fault he was sucking on my titties in the club…

–Penn Station

Gay design student to female friend: You'll get to meet Ryan, the guy I have a crush on. He's doing the costume designs, so he's gonna touch your boobs and stuff. Get excited.

–Union Square

Skinny black dude on cell entering office tower: Yes, youse is fat… But you got big soft titties.

–54th & 6th

Overheard by: Gregorian Chant

Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon

Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!

–Union Square South

Overheard by: Percival

Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened…

–St. John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Andrea

Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?

–Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place

Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.

–Union Square

Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?

–Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Les Izzmore