Guy: The bed shook. It shook with me. The bed shook. –26th & 3rd Contributed by: Megan Buckley
What Language do they speak?
Indian girl, speaking on her cell-phone: Jewish people don’t speak English, and they’re great businessmen. Chinese people don’t speak English, and they’re great businessmen. So you don’t have to speak English either to be a great businessman! – Penn Station
A Book About You
Yuppie #1: I really want a drink
Drunk Homeless man (to Yuppie #2): What are you reading?
Yuppie #2: I’m reading a book on sobriety.
Drunk Homeless man (looking over her shoulder): Oh
Yuppie #2: Yes, it’s also about drug additions..valium, etc.
Drunk Homeless man: Really that’s interesting
– Union Square Park
…Then Take $60 and Burn It
Girl: If you want to get a feel for coke, chop up an aspirin and snort it up your nose. That should do it. –Joseph’s on 49th Street Overheard by: Megan Buckley
But It’s Covered in Bugs
Clerk: Sir, please check your bag.
Customer #1: The money’s in the bag. If you take the bag, I won’t spend the money.
Customer #2: Here’s my ticket. But I want that bag.
–Forbidden Planet
Some Urban Legends Are More Plausible Than Others
Woman #1: I heard this train fell into the river one time. Is that true?
Woman #2: I dunno. I don’t see how it could. Maybe it could fall off to the side or something, but straight down? How would it get off the tracks?
Woman #1: I heard it fell into the river like nine years ago. Somebody told me that when I was in Miami.
–J train, en route via Williamsburg Bridge
They wouldn’t want you either
Hipster: I wouldn’t smoke to go into that health food store – Bedford Ave, outside health food store
Bait and Switch
Customer: I’d like a bagel with Honey Walnut cream cheese.
Cashier: No Honey Walnut. Strawberry.
Customer: Is there anything besides Strawberry that’s sweet?
Cashier: We have Vegetable. But that’s not sweet.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Bensonhurst
I Think He’s Going to Propose!
Chick: Where are we going?
Guy: The Junction.
Chick: Why are we going to the Junction?
Guy: Because you’re a loser. Because you question me.
–D Train
But you’re in a 99-Cent Store
Cashier in Jack’s 99 Cent store: Here’s your change, 62-cents
Woman: But I just gave you $62, and since everything here costs $1, how come you’re giving me 62 cents back?
Cashier: Everything here is 99-cents
Woman: Really?
Cashier: Yeah
– Jack’s 99-Cent Store, Midtown