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...I've Met Him 'Fore.
Grandfather: You remember my cousin, Arthur?
Little boy: Who?
Grandfather: You remember him, he was at your bris.
Little boy: Oh, right, right. (nods)
--76th & Amsterdam
Mom Chanted the Times Tables All During Her Pregnancy
Ghetto mother: How much is one times one?
Five-year-old son: Uh ... four?
Ghetto mother: What? Boy, are you serious? Yo... I don't know what to do with you anymore. You're ignorant. (gets up and walks to bathroom)
Five-year-old son, to people sitting around: I'm not ignorant.
--Staten Island Ferry
The Urban Legend Of Freelatio
Guy to friend, about teen passing by: I know this girl, and she'll suck your dick for free!
Passing teen #1: What? Eww, gross!
Passing teen #2: Really? Where?
--50th St & 8th Ave
And I've Only Been to a 7-11 Twice!
Sober girl: Well, is he cute.
Drunk girl: Yeah, he's really cute... but he's Indian.
Sober girl: You're racist!
Drunk girl: Yeah... dude, I don't read the Qur'an.
--30th & 3rd
Yet You'll Indiscriminately Sleep with Girls You Meet at Arby's?
Guy#1: Are there any reputable banking establishments where we are going?
Guy#2: What? Oh, no. It's only like steal-your-identity ATMs.
Guy#3: Plus, when you get your card back you also get the Hanta virus.
Guy#2: Fuck, just what I need! A flesh-eatin' virus!
--Uptown A Train
New York City Is a Rich Cultural Tapestry.
Drunk black girl #1: Ew!Those plaid pants are fuckin ugly.
Drunk black girl #2: (laughs)
Queer non-athlete: Excuse me!
Drunk black girl #1: Yes?
Queer: My pants are not ugly and they are not plaid! Get it right, it's madras!
Drunk black girl #1: Right... and madras is a form of plaid!
Drunk black girl #2: Haha! Dumbass.
Queer: Yeah, well you bitches are just racist!
Drunk black girl #2: What the hell does race have to do with this? You're pants are ugly. Face facts.
Queer: Cause if I was black you wouldn't have said anything!
Drunk black girls, simultaneously: If you were black you wouldn't be wearing those ugly ass pants!
(queer stomps down train car, finds a seat and sulks. Drunk white girl approaches black girls)
Drunk white girl: Hey, guys.
Drunk black girl #1: Sup?
Drunk white girl: I feel bad, that was my friend, you know.
Drunk black girl #2: Oh. Well, you should be a good friend and tell him not to come out dressed like that.
--Crowded L Trian
Overheard by: Drunk and Laughing Friend who totally agrees
The Hora! The Hora!
Tween boy #1, after exiting TD Bank with two friends: Where do you get the money you spend?
Tween boy #2: Where do you think? My parents.
Tween boy #3: I spend my own money.
Tween boy #2: And where did you get that money?
Tween boy #3: My Bar Mitzvah. I got almost $6,000.
Tween boy #1: Damn, why am I not Jewish?
Tween boy #2: Hey, I have considered becoming Jewish just for the money!
--Montague St & Court St
Overheard by: Giggles
No Need to Get Frothy.
Teen, looking at rack of sweater vests: Hey, look--I could turn into Rick Santorum!
Mother: Yeah, but then I'd have to disown you.
--Century 21
Overheard by: Benny
...Whom We Share
Drunk male: You know your husband is totally gay, right?
Drunk female: I mean, yeah! He has a boyfriend.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Striker
Clearly You've Never Seen Carrie
Freshman guy: I'm going to take a massive... shower.
Freshman guy: Sounds like you were going to say massive shit.
Freshman girl: Girls don't shower.
--Columbia University
Didn't the Count Sing That on Sesame Street?
Guy #1: Yo, brains is sexy.
Guy #2: Word up. All my bitches need GEDs.
--A Train
Overheard by: Anne Paas
Says She's Through Fellating Strangers
Girl #1: The last time we went out she paid for her own drinks.
Girl #2: She pays for her own drinks? Eww, who does that?
Girl #1: I know!
--Crate & Barrel, SoHo
Overheard by: Akiko
