Man to woman, as she stamps on jacket: Hey, yo! My iPod's in there!
Woman, continuing to stamp on jacket: I don't give a fuck!
–8th & Broadway
And a Large Trash Bag, If You Have Any
Crazy Italian man to cashier: Fucking asshole! Where's my fucking money, fucking asshole?! You owe me money! She's German!
Cashier: Who?
Crazy Italian man: The German whore owes me $10,000! You'll be finding her body in the basement! That whore better watch out! I'm Italian and I know mafiosi from here to Beverly Hills! …I'll have a coffee to go…
–Europan Cafe, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: ryan and erin
Infernal Wednesday One-Liners
Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell.
–42nd & 8th
Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around.
–Brooklyn-bound C train
Overheard by: P. Mills
Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary.
–Metro-North train, Grand Central
Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Rob
Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar!
–Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre
Overheard by: SLC kid
Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay!
–Hunter College High
In Order: Decaf, Unicorns, and the Tides
Lady: When I was a kid, I would always invent things on the train. I’d tell my mom about them and then a month later they’d get invented.
Chick: Wow, really?
Lady: Yeah. It happened like three times that I talked to my mom about something on the train and then it got invented.
–2 train
And Our Family Business Is Prostitution
Girl #1: She's a stupid skanky whore!
Girl #2: Yeah, but she's family.
–Union Square
It's in a Very Close Relationship With Argentina
Woman #1: Chile? Isn't that in Mexico?
Woman #2: No, it's its own country.
Woman #1: Really? All by itself?
–Whole Foods, 14th St
Overheard by: Linda Keegstra
What Cougars Eat: Explained
Two late #30s early #40s women:
Woman #1: You should really get another cell phone to give out to men you meet at the bar, that way you can keep them all in one place and can name them "guy with the blue shirt" "good dancer"…
Woman #2: Yeah, I use my cell phone for work calls too so I always have to answer random numbers.
Woman #1: Then this way, you can just weed out the normal ones and anyone you are still talking to after a couple months you can just tell them you got a new cell phone number. You really need to check out tmobile. Conversation drags on, ten minutes later…
Woman #2: I don't know, young guys these days just want to make out.
Woman #1: How young are you talking?… I dated a 25 year old when I was 33.
Woman #2: How did that work out?
Woman #1: Well, I'm not married to him… Ha! No really, I dated a lot of young guys, all personal trainers.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah, their so hot.
–Bryant Park
Has the Westboro Baptist Church Heard This News?
Mother of 8-year-old: I don't mind that my son is so into zombies, Jesus was a zombie technically. After all, it's a healthy way for him to find our religion.
Mother of 10-year-old: I never thought about it that way. (to son) Joseph, do you like zombies?
–1 Train
Overheard by: sarah-Jaana Nodell
Anal Sex: What Can’t It Fix?
Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.
Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that’s what she needs!
Black guy: That’s what all them bitches need.
–1407 Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
Wednesday One-Liners Must Be from Queens
Woman, texting: How do you pluralize "uterus"?
–TKTS Booth
Overheard by: DramaPirate
Kids entertainer, singing: Do you know what a co-creator is? To create is to make something, and when you co-create, you do it together…
–Kindergarten party, Williamsburg
Cashier with cookbook: It's got a table of continents so you can see what's in it!
–Department Store, 225th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Student: I just love adding "izzle" to the end of words.
–Metro-North
Coworker: UPS didn't have the tracking information at first, but then they found it… Good thing, because I was about to blow a casket.
–Fordham University