Overheard In New York

But What About Miracle Whip?

Man: So you’ve had problems with customers before, huh?
Cashier: Just one guy. It was 4th of July weekend and he was going on about sour cream. He was the only one in the store. He started hitting me because he said I charged the wrong price. I kept telling him that he had to leave.
Man: Wow!
Cashier: Yeah, he was obviously going senile. I mean, I’d never hit anyone over sour cream! –Waldbaum’s, Bensonhurst

(Actually, Turtles Don’t Age)

Chick #1: So did you call him?
Chick #2: Nah.
Chick #1: Why not?
Chick #2: He literally looks like an old turtle. –D Train

“And Your Pussy Looks Like…”

Woman #1: And then she said, your ass looks like my dog!
Woman #2: She’s right. –West Village

Go Back to Israel!

Jewess: That’s the third time you mentioned Jews. What’s wrong with Jews?
Goy: They are demanding, confrontational, and have a hard time telling the truth. What religion are you, anyway?
Jewess: Uh…Baptist.

–Times Square

Overheard by: J. Peter Jones

Straightlines without Punchlines

Man: This guy who works at the library is thinking of spending $1600 and getting the Star Trek emblem tattooed on his chest. –Library Bar

But I Want Emphysema Now

Cashier: Here’s your change. Have a good day.
Smoker: Matches.
Cashier: There’s no matches left, sorry.
Smoker: No matches? Without matches it’s not worth it. –Rite-Aid, Bensonhurst

Illegal Chinese Fireworks

A two year old Chinese girl decided to squat on a manhole cover. Chinese Mom: What are you doing?! That will warm up your butt and it will burst into flames! –66th & Columbus Overheard by: Todd Seavey