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I'm So Proud Of Him
Guy visiting mother at new office: Man...I've been in jail cells bigger than this.
Mother, to coworkers: He really means that.
--Fordham University
Speaking Of the Filth Of Humanity...
Whiny old man: I hate the cold. I get so cold I hafta take a hot shower every night. How 'bout you?
Old woman: Well, Eddy, you're supposed to take showers all the time.
Whiny old man: How about that OJ Simpson?
--B3 Bus
Overheard by: Laura E.
Then How Can I Be a Jerk Off, Brainiac?
Man #1, annoyed at being pushed: You don't have to push!
Man #2: Well, it was really crowded.
Woman: Welcome to New York!
Man #1, to woman: Your mother!
Woman: That's mature! What are you, in the 5th grade? Grow up, jerk-off!
Man #1: Suck my dick!
Woman: You don't got one, honey!
--F Train
Overheard by: Alliem
Fine, but My Odor's Peaking Right Now
Preppy blond girl: Can you smell me? I smell so good.
Less preppy blond girl: Oh my god! Yeah! But can I smell you after class?
--Columbia University
I Still Can't Remember Where I Left the Baby
Teenybopper #1: I really want some gum.
Teenybopper #2: Oh, here I have some. I bought this last night because I had some beers before babysitting, and I didn't wanna show up smelling like booze.
--Downtown 2 Train
Can't We Just Go to the Coma Ward and Throw Stuff at Grandma Again?
Park Slope dad: Do you know how to play dodgeball?
Eight-year-old son: No...
Park Slope dad: I throw the ball at you, and you try not to get hit.
Eight-year-old son: That doesn't sound like fun.
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Becka Dash
A White Person Would Be Too Chicken to Make That Comment
Black woman #1: Well, at least there's still that KFC.
Black woman #2: No, it's not there anymore!
Black woman #1: What? It's scary when there isn't even a KFC in a black neighborhood anymore.
--39th St & 8th Ave
Okay, Better
Little boy: I farted!
Mother: Oh, Andrew, that's gross.
Grandma: Yes, say "excuse me" and then get out of here.
Little boy: Bombs away!
--Target, Queens
Unlike Every Other Disney Song
Younger girl, singing: Salacado, lamenchekaboo, bippity boppity boo. Put 'em together and what have you got? Bippity boppity boo!
Older girl: That song was definitely written by an autistic crackhead.
--The Disney Store
I See You Share My Affliction, Brother
Ticket seller: Hey guy! Wanna see a comedy show?
Teenager: Sorry, I was born without a sense of humor.
Ticket seller: Go fuck yourself!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Vinny B
Headline by: Toby
Runners-Up:
· "It Would Have Been Funnier If He Wasn't an Autistic Hermaphrodite" - Prole
· "Jimmy Fallon Turns Down Tickets to His Own Show" - walty
· "Now *That* Would Be Quite a Show..." - Green Star
· "Really? I Was Born with Tourrettes..." - Chad King
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Technically I Think She Outsources to the Maid
Girl #1: Oh my god! I can't believe my mom only got a B+ on my history paper.
Girl #2: Well, I can't believe your mom does your schoolwork and writes your papers for you. Don't you ever feel guilty?
Girl #1: Umm...no. Since she's, like, paying for my college and stuff, then it's only fair that she gets to do the work.
--SoHo
They Were Feeling Their Oats When We Played 'em
White hipster teen, about basketball team: So are you guys good?
White hipster friend: Yeah, dude! I mean, we win against like black schools and shit. We just beat Brooklyn Friends last week.
White hipster teen: Dude, Brooklyn Friends is not a black school! Brooklyn Friends is a Quaker school!
--60th St & Amsterdam
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