Overheard in New York
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
The Voice of the City2009-01-06T18:00:00-05:00But Officer, the Bag Is So My Friends Don't Find out I Drink Zima
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017577.html
Girl to cop giving her a ticket after finding beers inside her brown bag: You need a warrant for that! Cop: No, I don't. Girl: You can't just look in there without, umm, probable cause! Cop: Yes, I can. Girl: You need to get a warrant first!
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Djlindee2009-01-06T18:00:00-05:00J. Lo. and Puffy's Unfinished Life Together
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017576.html
Black guy with bags, bumping into Hispanic woman: Don't gimme that look, not my fault, not my fuckin' fault! (Hispanic woman just glares) Look at me again and I'll fuck you in the ass!
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Djlindee2009-01-06T16:00:00-05:00Where Would This Site Be Without the Hobos?
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017575.html
Trinidadian hobo: Step into the car and please don't block the doors. There's another train directly behind this one. Biiing-bonnng! That's from the old cars. This is how they do it now: "Dingdong!" (recorded "if you see something, say something" message plays; hobo recites the message along with it, mimicking perfectly.) "Tell a police officer or an MTA employee." Or tell me, because it might be a bag o' money. Or weed. But if it's only a nickel bag of weed, just turn it in to a policeman. If it's a 500-pound bag, give it to me! I need that haze! Now, here's a picture of my wife. Two years ago, on Easter Sunday, my wife passed away of a massive heart attack. I want you all to know about this because I want you all to know I'm still single. The ladies, that is, not the men. I'm not gay. I have gay friends, but I'm not gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I love what they eat!
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Djlindee2009-01-06T14:00:00-05:00Jeez, Who Wouldn't Want Devastating Vortices?
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017574.html
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I need to blend this. I wish I had blenders for hands. Serious friend: Some people would want to be able to fly or read minds... I guess that's a pretty good super power too. Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I'd used my blender hands to stir up the air and fly, like helicopter propellers. Serious friend: Come on, think about the physics of that. If anything, you'd just create two devastating vortices on either side of you and suck everybody in. No flying. Overcaffeinated teen with drink: If we're already asking for blender hands, I think a minor change in the laws of physics would be workable. Serious friend: True. (spins hands like blender-propellers)
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Djlindee2009-01-06T12:00:00-05:00Inside Every White Girl Is a Black Panther Trying To Get Out
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017573.html
Female driver to chubby crossing pedestrian: You gonna die, honkey!
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Djlindee2009-01-06T10:00:00-05:00Who Says Life's No Picnic for New Yorkers?
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017572.html
Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver to woman with pizza: Lemme...uh...have that pizza. (woman smiles awkwardly, thinking it's a joke) I wasn't kidding. Lemme have that pizza. (woman holding a bag of cookies gets on bus with child) Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver: Oh, lemme just...uh uh...have one of these...uh uh...cookies. (takes cookie) Small Asian woman (taken aback and extremely confused): What? You can't take these. (bus driver stuffs cookie in mouth and ignores woman) (later) Bus driver, on PA: Lady, these are some good cookies.
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Djlindee2009-01-06T08:00:00-05:00Wait-- Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017571.html
Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: "Today in school I learned where babies come from." Mother: Oh, really? Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from. Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from. (laughs) Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww! Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.
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Djlindee2009-01-06T06:00:00-05:00And in the Closet
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017570.html
Drunk hipster guy #1 (screaming): Let's see who can make out with the fattest girl tonight. Whoever makes out with the fattest gets ten dollars from everyone else. Drunk hipster guy #2 (also screaming): Yeah, and if there's a close call, she can judge. Drunk hipster girl: Hey, I want in on this action! That could be 50 bucks. Guy #1: Okay, okay, you can play too. But if it comes down to a close call between us guys you have to decide which girl is fatter. Drunk hipster guy #3: And she can have a good personality. Drunk hipster guy #4: Why are we screaming? Drunk hipster guy #1: Because we're Italian.
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Djlindee2009-01-06T04:00:00-05:00George Washington: Man, I was rocking wood grillz before this was even America!
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017569.html
Girl to friend: Hey girl, come over here and let me see your new grillz. (friend comes over and smiles, Flavor Flav style) Daaaamnnnnnnn girl! Where did you get those? They some nice grillz!
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Djlindee2009-01-06T02:00:00-05:00The Sure Cure for Imaginary Problems
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017568.html
Hipster teenage girl: Yeah, trust me you'd know if you'd seen me disgruntled. Hipster teenage boy: I haven't? Hipster teenage girl: Nope. Well...talking online, maybe. Hipster teenage boy: Oh, you're always disgruntled online. You always have some huge, massive crisis. Hipster teenage girl: Oh yeah, once I was really pissed off at you. I scream a lot when I'm disgruntled. Hipster teenage boy: At me? Hipster teenage girl: No, just in general. At my room mostly. (long pause) Hipster teenage girl: I'm bored. Let's go to my house and do some lines!
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Djlindee2009-01-06T00:00:00-05:00I Mean, That Would Be Unseemly
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017567.html
Jersey chick: I mean, what do I do? He is like all over me but wont have sex with me. What do I do? Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I think you should just say, "fuck me or you're gay!" I mean, that's what I would do. Jersey chick: I just don't get it, you know. And seriously, he is the hottest guy I've ever made out with, like hotter than anyone I've ever made out with. Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I mean seriously, just say, "fuck me or you're gay. If you don't fuck me, you are gay." that's what I would do. Jersey girl: But he can't be gay, he's too hot. Girl peeing in bathroom stall: But there are a lot of hot guys who are gay. It's probably because he's so hot. Jersey girl: I just don't know what to do. He like comes up to me and is dancing with me and telling me to come home with him. But like, I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm from Jersey! I live in Jersey, I can't just stay with him, can I? Girl comes out from peeing in bathroom stall: I don't know dude.
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Djlindee2009-01-05T22:00:00-05:00The Biggest Uproar in Their Home Since the Cuban Gristle Crisis
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017566.html
Loud middle aged guy on cell: Hello? What? Where's the meat? It's on the counter. I took it out last night. It was half frozen. Okay. (some time goes by) Hello? Who is this? Kiah? I took it out last night. It's on the counter. No, it's good. It was half frozen. Noooo, it's fine. It's not ruined! It's good. Noooooooooo. It's not ruined! I'll eat it, leave it for me. I'll eat it tonight and all the way to Shabbat, it will be my pleasure, it will be delicious. (some time goes by) I'm getting off the train. I'm coming home. They're mad about the meat. (Now almost on the verge of crying) It's not ruuuined. Noooooooooooo. It's goooood. Why is the meat no good? It's not ruuuined. Noooooooooooooooooooooo.
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Djlindee2009-01-05T20:00:00-05:00So I Told Her I Hadn't Seen Him in There, But I'd Check Again
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017565.html
Large man, in t-shirt and shorts, on cell: So I gave my ex-new-girlfriend... Small man: Ex-new-girlfriend?! Large man: Let me finish...I gave her a tour of my apartment, and when she asked why my closet door looked like it was about to come off its hinges I told her I had dead babies in there, as a joke. Apparently, her brother died when he was three months old.
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Djlindee2009-01-05T18:00:00-05:00Or We Can See Some Nudity
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017564.html
Poetry slam emcee: Hi, everyone! Wow, what a great turnout...I think you're all Emma's friends. She's first, but we have a great line-up, so please don't leave. Stay! Emma's friend, sotto voce: Dude, it's a poetry reading, even Emma is leaving unless you give everyone another drink ticket.
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Djlindee2009-01-05T16:00:00-05:00This Season's Most Unlikely Friendship
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017563.html
MTA guy: Okay, folks, everyone out! This train is going out of service! C'mon, mister, off the train! Let's go, let's go! Hobo, dragging enormous black trash bag: I'm going, man...my bag tore. You got another bag? I need another bag. MTA guy: You want a bag from me? Damn! They hardly pay me anything, I can barely feed my family, when we go on strike y'all get mad at us, and now you want a bag? Ease up, man, ease up! (pause) MTA guy: Hey, man, your pants are falling down. Hobo: Yeah, I can't keep 'em up. MTA guy: You know why that is? 'cause you got the baggy fit underneath the boot cut! With the straight cut in between! Hobo: I used to have an overcoat. I loved that overcoat. You should have seen it. I loved that coat. MTA guy: You got five coats already! What do you need with another one? [pauses] Hobo: Hey, you won't believe what I saw on the train the other day. MTA guy: What's that? Hobo: A man beatin' up on his lady. MTA guy: Oh yeah? Hobo: Yeah. With his shoe. MTA guy: With his shoe! No way, man. Hobo: I saw it. MTA guy: Why didn't you stop him? You should have stopped him! Hobo: Well... He was a big guy. MTA guy: You should have stopped him! You should have hit him with your big Santa bag! Why didn't you hit him with your big Santa bag?