This Wednesday One-liners is Going Local

Conductor: I get paid whether this train moves or not. We can sit here all day, or if you want to go somewhere, stand clear of the doors.

--B train


Overheard by: Captain Obvious


Conductor: If you are carrying a knapsack or large bag, please consider being searched by the police.

--LIRR


Overheard by: Kelly Wittman


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please do not contribute to panhandlers. Panhandling on the subway is illegal, and is also against the law.

--R train


Conductor: ...we are told the delay is indefinite...for future reference "indefinite" does not mean the train won't leave at all. So all those people that just got off the train and went upstairs to wait, are still waiting! And you're on your way!

--Penn Station


Overheard by: Ziggy Stardust