Conductor: This train cannot move until you get your fat ass out the doorway! --1 train Overheard by: Owen Jacob Ghitelman Conductor: There is no service to Brooklyn this weekend. None. You will not be able to get there unless you do what I tell you. --4 train at 33rd Street Conductor: This is... the uh... downtown train that makes all... uh... that makes all the stops that this train stops at. --1 train, 34th Street Overheard by: Jamie Conductor: This is an uptown C train. Transfer at this stop for the A train. Notice how I did not mention the E train. That's because there isn't one. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero E train. If you're going to Queens, get on this C train now and I'll explain later. --C train, 23rd St station Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen please be advised, we have a train right ahead of us and we will be moving shortly. [Pause] Bullshit! There is a god-damn invisible fucking train ahead of us. . . . Oh shit, the PA is still on. --N train Overheard by: Akojam