Performing hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, while I do tell jokes, I just want to say that I keep it clean for the family. I don’t like to curse or use foul language at any time. So to those that give money, I thank you, and to those that don’t, go fuck yourself and get the fuck outta my house!

–3 train

Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag

Hobo, just after nine a.m. on a weekday: You’re late! All of you are late to work! All of you… Late, late, late!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: jairoski

Hobo shaking cup of coins: Hi, I’m starting a presidential campaign and any contribution would help!

–E Houston, near Mott St

Overheard by: Sannie

Hobo: Good afternoon. Can anyone help me out by sparing some change? [To processed and painted old lady passerby] Girl, you look just like Alexis from Dynasty!

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: liza

Hobo: I’ll be offended if you call me a crackhead. I’m not a crackead, I’m a rock star. Now, does anyone have 20 dollars for me so I can buy some crack?

–2 train, Bronx

Hyperactive kid is jumping around on benches and talking non-stop.

Hobo to babysitter: Too many pills. That girl is on too many pills!

–81st & 5th

Overheard by: i agree

Hobo holding banana like a gun: Gimme all yo’ money, I’m the banana bandit! [People shuffle by, averting eyes, and hobo gets sad] Nobody listens to the banana bandit…

–Fulton St & Grand Ave