Jet-Propelled Wednesday One-Liners

Pilot: We're on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

--Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK

Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

--LaGuardia

United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to use the last-one-on-is-a-rotten-egg method of boarding here.

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: Hour-and-a-Half Delayed

Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise.

--Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Debbie Kate

Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I'm sure they would really appreciate it, too.

--United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago

Overheard by: Ellen

Airline representative: Paging La... La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Paging... Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: Delayed

Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA... Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you've been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can't be jumpin' up and down like a jimmy-cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he'll fly us so I'm going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn't know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation.

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: this one goes out to dan cao