Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out… I’ll see you in Babylon…

–LIRR train leaving Penn Station

Overheard by: Bill Reese

Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we’re off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.

–Metro-North

Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan… apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.

–D train

Overheard by: i don’t like that dude

Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.

–F train

Overheard by: Eileen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don’t think I know how to swim.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: mark

Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: Care

Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren’t, it still is.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier