Hobo to fancy lady: Will you take me home with you?

–1 train, 96th St

Woman to friend: I know you’re upset because you’re going home to an apartment without a urinal. I feel the same way. [Suddenly shouting] I’m not seven years old! I need a jacuzzi!

–1 train

Overheard by: Doc

Black suit to friend: I’m just gonna go home and pick my ass.

–Park Slope

Ice queen on cell: You listen to me, Maria — I know you stole those earrings, and if they aren’t back on my bureau when I get home, I’m having you deported!

–E 70th & Lex

Overheard by: MbigE

Angry woman on cell: Why do you keep calling me?! I am going to slap you! Stay home and wait ’til I get there so I can slap you!

–4th Ave platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: misspenny

Pretty girl to ugly drunk blocking her way: I’m not going home with you! What are you, a fucking idiot?

–Spring & Mott St

Overheard by: Azo