Hot girl on cell: Mom, I would rather shit in my pants than go to Bloomingdales right now.

–2nd Ave & 17th St

Bearded hipster dude to giggling girlfriend: But poop sounds aren't even realistic!

–R Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

Father to young son: I would hold your hand, but it's got bird poop on it!

–5th Ave & Lexington

Tall woman on phone: I'm an adult orphan; both my parents is dead. D. E. A. D. Dead. So don't you try to tell me nothin, mothafucka, you ain't ma fatha, cause he dead. I'll have yo shit in black glad bags outside quicka than you can say "orphan…"

–Fulton St. Brooklyn

Overheard by: rick