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August 2003 Archives
Like Sucking on a Gumdrop
10-year-old boy #1: Hey sexy stars! Sexy ladies!
10-year-old boy #2: Hey, come give us blowjobs!
--Bensonhurst
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Ten)
Tourist in Vancouver: "I haven't been able to find a post-office in Vancouver. Where are they?"
Waitress: "Oh, the Canadian government sold off all the post-offices, now they just have kiosks in any pharmacy, so just go to the drug store down the street."
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Nine)
Woman walking in Stanley Park in Vancouver to the man with her: "Your serotonin levels seem really high today."
I'm Also Terrified of Clowns
Bag Check Guy: I'm so scared of mice here now that I'm thinking of tucking my pants into my socks.
--The Strand
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Eight)
Bus-driver in Vancouver: "The BC government recently did a study about fraud on the bus system, and the company they hired concluded that 3% of the riders take advantage of the system. But driving this bus every day, I see that it is really 30-40%. The newspapers say that Canadians are so good but it's not true!"
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Seven)
Young man in Vancouver: "It's so hard to meet anyone here who is Jewish!"
Ranch 1derful
Ranch One Flyer Guy: Ranch One. [pushes flyer]
Lady: Ugh, get away from me.
Ranch One Flyer Guy: Screw you!
Sssh! This is a Library!
Old Woman: Oh, I just feel so gassy. I've got so much gas.
--Public Library, Bensonhurst
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Six)
On Hastings Avenue in Vancouver, there is a restaurant called the "New York Bistro Grill." The first and most prominent item on their menu reads:
"New York Burger - baby shrimps, cream cheese, and guacamole"
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Five)
Man walking down the street in downtown Vancouver to the woman next to him: "I'm Jewish, but my family has been in Canada for three generations"
Woman: "Oh. I have one Jewish friend."
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Four)
In a hamburger joint in Vancouver: "Can I have a regular hamburger, rare, please?"
Waitress: "You're obviously not from BC. In the whole province, it is illegal to cook a hamburger in any way other than well-done."
Brooklyn Ballbusters
Deli guy (to another deli guy): He's got a shrimp salad sandwich too. Here, I'll mark the paper for you so you don't get confused. I know your brain, it don't work so good. Do you want me to write it in Mexican or in English?
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part 3)
Four teenagers in a convertible at a stop-sign speaking about me as I cross the street right in front of them, in Vancouver: "Hey, he looks Jewish!"
Cell Phone Fun
Man on cell: I've got an idea. How about you go fuck yourself?...Say what? You don't think so?
How you know you're not in New York (part 2)
Tourist in Vancouver: Where is a neighborhood with lots of bars and cafes?
Vancouverite: The street with all the bars and cafes is.... [then points and gives directions]
You know you're NOT in New York when...
An older woman, ordering very slowly at a Starbucks in Vancouver, "should I get the large or the medium, oh I don't know, I'm not really sure how thirsty I am.... "
She then turns to the six people waiting online behind her, including your correspondent, and says, "I know I'm going slowly, so you all can go in front of me"
To which everyone else waiting on line behind her says in unison, "no, take your time" and "it's okay, don't worry about it" and "we're not in a rush"
Why NY is not Minneapolis
Middle-aged man at the Minneapolis airport: "When Minnesota first got the lotto, they had the scratch-off lottery cards. I waited on line in a corner store, and the clerk asked me if I wanted to buy one and I said, 'No. I do not play the lottery.' The person behind me, as I was leaving, bought a ticket and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, 'See, you should have bought a ticket!' and I said to her, 'No, I'm glad I didn't. Because I don't play the lottery.'"
New York's Distinctiveness
Woman waiting on line in Newark airport: "Isn't it amazing how, whenever you go to a foreign country, you can get such a feel for the country just from the airport? Take New York: you land here, you look out the windows, and the first thing you realize about New York is, 'aren't the vehicles here so big!'"
Latka or Balki?
Waitress: How do you want your burgers cooked?
Foreigner: Cooked?
Waitress: Meat is cooked. What color do you want the meat inside to be? Pink, red, brown?
Foreigner: What?!
--Jackson Hole, 36th Street
Racist to English Dictionary
Customer: I rescue cats in the Bronx.
Shopgirl: You know sometimes poor families with children that aren't taught well don't know how to treat animals. I wish there was something that could be done about them. You know it's not fair for the animals if they get placed into a bad home like that. If they don't have enough money to take care of their children, how are they going to take care of an animal? And they [sic] don't even treat their children right.
--Purty Girl Boutique, Thompson St.
Blackout in Williamsburg
Hipster screamed out: "Michael Bloomberg has electricity now!"
Your Way. Go Away.
Fat Chick: Thank God. Cheryl! It's the Golden Arches!
--Bus Entering Port Authority
Blackout Fun
Hysterical Man: The bridge is swinging! Everybody get off the bridge!
Reasonable Man: It's supposed to swing! This is a suspension bridge!
--Brooklyn Bridge
PCP, mostly
Chick: Oh my God, you guys, I bought drugs from him!
--Ave A
Providential New England
Hipster in Williamsburg: I've traveled all around the providentials of New England.
"Supposed to"?
Fratboy: She was supposed to make out with me, but I didn't want to make out with her.
--Ave. A
...and you're the next douchebag
Hipster: Man, it's like...SoHo's becoming the next Williamsburg.
--SoHo
...and really ironic
Young woman: I'm a lot better at hiding my feelings than you are. I'm REALLY UPSET.
--Union Square
Now Shut the Fuck Up, You Unwanted Accident
Little Girl: Mommy, why do people in New York always wear black?
Mommy: I don't know. Maybe they just don't like looking pretty.
--Upper East Side
Poo Poo Platter
Little Chinese Boy #1: You want to look at your dick.
Little Chinese Boy #2: You want to look at ass.
Little Chinese Boy #1: You want to look at pussy.
Little Chinese Boy #2: You want to look at your balls.
Little Chinese Boy #1: You're gay.
Little Chinese Boy #2: Faggot.
--W Train
Verbization
Woman in McDonald's: "...and they were conversating about..."
...with a Hint of Lilac
Drunken passenger: Someone farted up in here. Shit smell like AIDS, man.
--W Train
Analysts are analysts
Ice cream shop clerk: "I told my analyst that I met this guy who looks so much like him, it is unbelievable. My analyst then said, 'well, how does that make you feel?'"
Queer Eye for the Queer Guy
Man: Just a little gay boy, yes. But a little gay boy with a big ass dick.
--S. Williamsburg
Ed.: What's an ass dick?
Is France also fictional?
Actor speaking on his cell phone on the subway: "I'm starring in a play called Andorra, about a fictional country in Europe."
Check Your Attitude While You're At It
Bag check guy: I want your bag.
Comic book chick: Pardon?
Bag check guy: You know the rules. Give me your bag.
Comic book chick: Sorry, I didn't know I had to check this.
Bag check guy: What did you think, that I'm just some crazy black man sitting up here harassing people?
Comic book chick: Could be.
Bag check guy: That's true.
--Forbidden Planet, 13th Street
I Think It's Called Ballad of the Moron
Hipster #1: I'm really into Bossa Nova.
Hipster #2: I like her, too! What was the name of her hit song? The one that goes [starts humming]
--Yuppietown
You Can't Always Get What You Want
Woman in her 50s: "She used to drink on weekends, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And then she got scared she was going to start drinking Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. So she went to AA and hasn't touched a drop since, she's a sponsor too. That was 15 years ago. Now she's 33 and she went back to school. She just became a paralegal and makes $950 a month. She didn't want to be one of those low people."
--W Train
I Found Her Bones, Though
Yuppie #1: Have you heard from Barbara recently?
Yuppie #2: No, she's now dating this guy so she's vanished.
--Williamsburg
I Also Turned my Father into a Horse
Yuppie in Yabby, in Williamsburg: "I didn't mean to turn my sister into a lesbian! It just happened!"
Paging Paul Hogan
Man wearing fork bracelet (to woman wearing fork bracelet): Oh my God! Is that an actual fork?
--Union Square North
France
In Williamsburg:
Hipster #1: People in France are so fucked up.
Hipster #2: Not all of them. Only 20%.
Yes, We Sell Parrots
Customer: So what do I feed it?
Manager: Give it crickets, 2 or 3 times a week.
Employee: You've got to feed it crickets 2 or 3 times a week.
Manager: Otherwise it takes greens and fruit.
Employee: Or greens and fruit.
Customer: What kind of greens?
Manager: Lettuce.
Customer: Regular lettuce or romaine?
Manager: Romaine.
Employee: It needs romaine.
Manager: Kale, chard.
Employee: Kale, chard.
Manager: Anything leafy and green it'll eat.
Employee: Anything leafy and green.
Customer: So it's OK if I leave it for a weekend or a week?
Manager: Yeah, just throw some lettuce in there with it before you go.
Employee: You got that?
--Petland Discounts, Bensonhurst
Distinguishing Characteristics
Where: E. 86th St.
Mother to kindergartener: "You do too know who Derek Jeter is! He da one with da nice butt--BOOM!!"
At least she's honest
A young girl selling M&Ms on the A train: "Hey, I'm not here for no basketball team or anything, but if ya'll want to give me some money, that's cool."
Note: she got quite a few sales, as well as a guy's number
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