Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am One-Liners

Older gentleman on phone: I was just calling to ask if you wanted to make love to my nice, long, Lebanese penis again tonight. (pause) Yes, yes, 10 works for me.

–45th & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Morgan

Mother, hissing to girl dancing exuberantly: You stop that! Stop it! Boys will try to sex you! Stop!

–6 Train Station

Girl on cell, yelling: He got soft inside me! That's, like, the worst insult ever!

–23rd & 9th

Girl on cell: Come over to the 7-Eleven anytime. I will fuck you!

–Washington Square West

Overheard by: David Fishkind

Brunching woman to friends: We lived in Buffalo! We could have had sex on the sidewalk, but it was four years before we were engaged!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alexandra

He Was Speaking Literally

Chelsea guy #1: …but no, seriously, you look really hot. I mean you’ve always been in great shape, but…
Chelsea guy #2: Yeah, but you know it’s all about attitude anyway. I could stop working out and guys would still be dropping at my feet. They always have been. –NYSC, West 14th Street Overheard by: J-Mo.

The Same People Who Read Nicholas Sparks?

Poet, selling books: All of these books are signed, and when I go on Oprah, you can sell them on eBay!
Passenger: Let’s hear a poem then!
Poet: You wanna hear a poem? “Neighbor’s dog leaving feces on the sidewalk. Squish! Damn. Luck stinks.”
Old man, mumbling: Who wants to read that kind of bullshit?

–6 Train

Are You Even Allowed to Be a Chooser?

Hobo, picking up a nervous patron's martini glass: Dang, this looks good–do you mind…?
Woman: No, it's all yours, you can have it. I don't want it anymore.
Hobo, sipping, then violently spitting vodka to the ground: Lord! This taste like shit! White folks ain't got no taste for alcohol.
Woman: That's a Belvedere martini.
Hobo: Yeah, that supposed to be good?

–30th & 3rd

Overheard by: Anniemal

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With Wednesday-One-Liners

Girl: Someone just needs to push him off the gay cliff, ‘cuz he’s not jumpin!

–Varick &Vandam


Ghetto girl
: I seen Whoopie Goldberg’s daughter! She a lesbian, light-skinned, and she bad!


–9th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: david hyman


Darrell Hammond
: It’s only queer if you’re on the bottom.


–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins


Angry man on cell
: This is exactly why I don’t date bisexual guys!


–3rd Ave & 9th St


Girl on cell
: I still don’t get why you dumped him. Just ’cause you’re a lesbian and he’s got that thing for unicorns doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have been cute together.


–2nd & A


Thug
: So I was eating that bitch out, and yo, yo, she told me that she was a lez…A lesbian yo! A lesbian!


–Manhattan Ave & 103rd St

Overheard by: Carol – walking slowly so as to hear the rest


Queer
: My friend Carol has been dating gay guys for years and fails to realize it until it’s too late!


–Jamaica Ave and 150th St

Overheard by: Rodney-Rod


Wednesday One-Liners Are a Big Deal

30-something girl to friend: If I was a betting woman, I'd bet… (pause) Well, I mean I just wouldn't bet. I'm not a betting person.

–77th & Columbus

Angry black woman: I'm blacker than the ace of spades… So play your trump card!

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Well, at least I can't gamble in Manhattan.

–LaGuardia Airport

Kid crossing the street, aggressively to older brother: Don't verbally poker me!

–5th Ave & 58th St

Overheard by: Tracy


Whatever, Mr. Gender-Identity Gestapo

Madison Square Garden worker: Sir… Sir! Sir, where the hell do you think you're going?
Man, with five-year-old kid: I'm gettin' in the line for the bathroom.
Madison Square Garden worker: Sir, it looks to me like you're trying to get into the ladies bathroom.
Man: But I got a kid!
Madison Square Garden worker: Did you give birth to your kid?
Man: No!
Madison Square Garden worker: Then it looks to me like you're in the wrong fuckin line.

–Madison Square Garden