I’d Ask You Out If Either of Us Had the Energy to Follow Through with It

Hipster boy: He’s such a fucking loser — he just has to admit it. I mean, I’m a loser, and I’m fine with it.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, it sucks to be a loser and not be cool with him.
Hipster girl #2: I never leave the house anymore.
Hipster boy: Me neither. Last week I bought an antennae for my TV, and sweatpants and weed. I only left the house today because I ran out of milk.
Hipster girl #1: Awesome.

–A train

Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

With What?

Mom: Shit, I ain’t paying for peak hours.
Tween girl: I can hide in the bathroom.
Mom: Or you can flash him. –LIRR Overheard by: bekarloohoo