Coincidentally, “It's Magic, Bitch!” Is Sea World's Slogan.

Young guy: You know, I think I've actually eaten gator at Gatorland.
Young chick, looking exasperated: Why would they sell alligator to eat in Gatorland? That's like selling dolphin sandwiches at the aquarium!
Young guy: You're right! I better tell Shamu to watch out and go somewhere else because all I need is miracle whip and white bread, and voilá… It's magic, bitch!

–8th St & University Place

Worst. Slave Girl. Ever.

Girl #1, applying for passport at window: Go get in line over there and get me some stamps.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: A book of stamps! Get me some stamps. And it had better not be over $20.
Girl #2: What if they have lotsa kinds of stamps? Like, which one should I get?
(girl #1 stares blank)
Girl #2
: I don't buy stamps.

Girl #1: This isn't a library! Get a freaking book of stamps!

–Post Office, 42nd St

Wednesday One-Liners for Melanie Chisholm.

Yankee fan to Latin man in Mets jersey and white woman in Yankees t-shirt and hat: Ya'll are really mixed, huh?

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: in a mixed couple myself

Student to another: Everybody says they don't have the money but they're the biggest team west of… uh… the East Coast.

–Fordham Road Station

Unfazed Yankees fan, after listening to Red Sox fan trash-talking the Yankees: Yeah, why don't you just go jump in front of this train?

–Crowded Subway to Yankee Stadium

Conductor, after second 20-minute delay: I'm sorry for your delay. If you need to explain why you're late, all I can do is tell you you were on the 8:55 from Flatbush and to check your carriage number. I repeat, we are not moving because there is a sick passenger at Grand Army Plaza that requires medical attention. (pause) In good news: how 'bout dem Jets?

–2 Train


“This One Time, at Wednesday One-Liner Camp…”

Angry man on cell: He was a porn star, not a pianist.

–Outside Fairway, 72nd St

Goth chick on cell: We're inside. Yeah, she's playing "Creep" on a ukulele. No, I'm serious!

–Spiegelworld

Art student: I did some acid and they made me play with a guitar, but it felt like plastic and it sounded like cheese!

–Pratt Institute

Tall drummer girl: This is why I love you guys. When the drumline goes on break, they're like, "let's play some more!" When you guys go on break, you're like, "let's explore each others' bodies!"

–Pathmark

Overheard by: Another band geek

30-something African American woman: Mmm-hmm. He playin' her ass like a violin!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: KTizzle

“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”

Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!

–8th & 34th

Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: It's how I got mine

Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!

–Coney Island Broadwalk

Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: CG

Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!

–Spring Street, SoHo

Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.

–W 12th & W 4th

Overheard by: michael diamond

Well, His Voicemail, Anyway

Mom to misbehaving four-year-old: That's it! I'm calling the Easter bunny and telling him not to to come to our house! (pretends to call)
Four-year-old, skeptically: Are you sure that was him?

–Central Park