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October 2003 Archives
Pants on Fire
Woman: You know I lie. I lie all the time. But I lie about little things, I don't lie about big things. That's a big thing, I wouldn't lie about that!
--Midtown
Actually That's More of a Clinton Thing
Cabbie trapped in Bush's traffic jam: Incredible, one man can make such fuck!
--FDR Drive
It Keeps Telling Me to Support Al Sharpton
Yuppie #1: Are you happy?
Yuppie #2: Psychologically speaking, there is something fundamentally wrong with my brain.
--Midtown Apartment
T Minus 5, 4...
Drunk chick: I'm gonna cry like a little bitch in about 2 minutes!
--Party, Dumbo
The LA Flames Have Reached Manhattan
Piano Player: This song from 1980 by Christopher Cross is my favorite song in the whole world.
--Piano Bar, UES
...Especially for the Celibate.
Young Woman: The thing I like about New York is that going out doesn't have to involve drinking.
--Williamsburg Cafe
At Least You'll Double Your Income
Frantic Chick: Where's my bag? All my clothes were in there. Oh God, I have to dress like a whore for the next two weeks!
--Costume Party, Dumbo
And I Don't Mean His Voice
Opera Fan: Well the best thing about it is, he's the closest thing we have to a castrato today.
--UES
But There's No 'Where' There
Chick: So where in Iowa are you from?
--UES
Clearly Unemployed
Yuppie: I don't think he's working now. All he ever talks about is monkeys and robots.
--Mayrose
Go Back to NYU and, Like, Kill Yourself
Chick: Hey, come look at this, like, book!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Go Back to Your Third World Country!
Woman: I don't know about this one, it's not so Nebraska.
--Anthropology
Now That You Mention It...
Crazy Old Lady: I can't do it. What could I do? Do you want to kill me?
--Bensonhurst
Lazy in Bed
Yuppie: He said, "I'm a beautiful man, I deserve to be with a beautiful woman." Because he's so in love with himself he's so lazy in bed.
--Williamsburg
..And This is How They Undress
12 year old chick: You see? I told you! This is how the grown-ups dress.
--East Village
Name That Whore
Guy: OK, everyone who's wearing the same clothes today as they did last night, raise their hands!
--5th Ave.
The Economics of Clubs
Outside a Manhattan club: "Of course we'll get in. We're their customers. And of course those girls will get in first -- they're the product!"
More Deli Fun
Deli guy: Yo Susan, how's life treating you?
Customer: Bad. I need an new life.
Deli guy: Your life's almost over and you need a new one?
--Bensonhurst
Classified by Race
Yuppie #1: "I never put my race down on those forms. Why should I be
classified by race?"
Yuppie #2: "I feel the same way about putting my height down on my driver's
license."
Our Literate Youth
NYU student: "I read the Sunday paper on Sunday--the whole thing--and it really wasn't that bad! You should try it"
Walking in Union Square
Not Literally, I Hope
Guy: We're all stuck in a loop of bullshit.
--Odessa, Ave. A
Speaking Algebraic
Guy #1: He's not down with it.
Guy #2: What do you mean, he's not down with it?
Guy #1: Don't worry, he's going to be down with it.
Guy #2: How's he going to be down with it?
Guy #1: We'll make him down with it.
--Ave. A
Too Bad They Don't Give You Poison, Too
Human Leech: Oh, what you have to do is calculate your monthly income--and make sure you include in that the amount of money that your parents give you every month.
--Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg
No, I Won't Shake
Super: Toilet's fixed. Sorry I was so gruff before, but my hands were full of shit.
--Ave A
Two of Which Run This Site
Businessman (to hobo): Well, you've got to admit, there's a lot of Jewish women and men in the city who will try to screw you over.
--Central Park
Sick Not Funny
Mother (to son): Well, I thought you had beautiful legs, Greg.
--Lower East Side
Yeah, If You're a Big Fat Fattie
Idiot: Happiness is a sandwich.
--Quizno's, 14th Street
The Zen of Metro North Maintenance
Conductor #1: Folks, if you're looking for a seat, walk all the way to the back of the train. The last car is not even half full.
Conductor #2: Or half empty.
--Metro North train
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