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June 2004 Archives
Non Sequitur Theatre
Guy: I really hate it when people mop my feet. I am Jamaican, after all.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
The Virtue of Selfishness
Pastry Shop Worker: Is anyone willing to give up their seat for a girl that has to stand on her feet all day?
Train Riders: [SILENCE]
Pastry Shop Worker: Come on, all you guys just go sit in front of your computers every day, how damn hard is that? I have to make shit for people and stand on my feet all day. You people are so selfish!
--6 Train
That's What We're All Talking About
Middle-aged man: So they say to me, 'Ken, just because you have that gun on us doesn't make you any better than us'.
Friend: Um, yeah.
Middle-aged man: And I said to them, 'That's what I'm talking about, man, that's what I'm talking about!'
--Delancey St.
Overheard by: cityrag.com
Blondie is a Group
The bartender is wearing a Blondie shirt.
Guy: Do you even know who Blondie is? Do you know who JFK is?
Bartender: Were you even alive when JFK was alive?
Guy: I'll bet you were born in 1982.
Bartender: Did anyone ever tell you how charming you are?
Guy: No!
--The Library, Avenue A
What About Grandma?
Mom: Don't ever disrespect your mother! You can always disrespect your father. All what your father did was to shoot the sperm. Your mother is the one who brought you out to this world. No matter what happens, don't ever disrespect your mother!
--D Train
Do Go On...
Hipster Dude: That reminds me of the invention of penicillin.
Hipster Chick: Uh huh.
Hipster Dude: You see they discovered penicillin when they observed...
Hipster Chick: Uh huh.
--Ave A and 6th St.
Overheard by: Cityrag.com
Kids Say the Stupidest Things
A little boy sees his mom's reflection in the window.
Boy: Mommy, are you a ghost?
--2 Train
CASE CLASED
Girl: When I was a kid my parents bought me everything I wanted.
Guy: Well yeah, you were really spoiled.
Girl: No, I was highly entertained.
Guy: You were spoiled. You got everything, right?
Girl: Yeah...
Guy: So you were spoiled.
Girl: You don't understand. I didn't cry or whine. My parents just bought me everything.
--N Train
Overheard on Father's Day
Doctor (on cell): Hello Doctor...Just tell her to take more anti-depressants for God's sake. I don't know, tell her to take three. I'm with my kids for Father's Day, OK?
--33rd Street and 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Christopher
Fun with the Homeless
Two hobos are having a quarrel.
Bum: No, no, man, we can't fuck each other; we gotta find two women to fuck!
--Herald Square
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
The Secret is Out!
A Wendy's employee, fresh off his break, pretends to be a customer.
Wendy's Guy #1: Hello, sir. Welcome to Wendy's. Can I take your order?
Wendy's Guy #2: I want a Big Mac.
Wendy's Guy #1: A Big Mac?
Wendy's Girl: I don't want a Big Mac but I want that sauce.
Wendy's Guy #2: Yeah, it's pretty good.
Wendy's Girl: Isn't it just 1000 island dressing?
--Wendy's, Bensonhurst
You're Jimmy Carter???
Guy: What does that tattoo say?
Chick: *Sigh* I promised myself I'd never get a tattoo unless I had a kid. Then I got a dog. It says Roxy. That's her name. Now I have to explain to everyone how I'm the biggest loser in the world.
--LES
It sure ain't muscle
Old Lady: And then she said she didn't like him because he was too fat. She wanted to date someone skinnier. You know, like you?
Old Man: I'm skinny?
Old Lady: Of course.
Old Man: Then what's this hanging off of me?
--Brighton Beach
...My Dad, too.
Two boys, both about 10, are thoroughly engrossed in their Game Boys.
First boy: My mother's a lesbian.
Second boy: So is mine.
--#1 Train
Pledge Drive
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Thanks
The Staff
I am an Individual
Nerd #1: From the way you talk about LISP, I think you went to MIT. Did you?
Nerd #2: Yes, I did!
-- Union Square Park
Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions
Two women are seated across from each other on the train. One has a long object in a soft-sided container.
First woman: Is that a bassoon?
Second woman: No. It's a sword.
--C Train
A cheap Jew? No...
Middle-aged man, into his cell phone: It's an oneg-shabbat. It's just a big dinner where everyone can meet each other and talk. It's only a few hundred dollars for you to sponsor it. [pause] Well, it's really not a dinner. It's just some fruit and plates for people to pick at.
-- Midtown
And now presenting: Truly Tasteless Jokes
Girl: What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
Guy: What?
Girl: A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
--Greenwich St., Financial District
The dirtiest song ever
Female Hipster, singing: Boom boom boom, let's go back to my room...
Male Hipster: I remember when that song came out--that was the dirtiest song imaginable!
-- Lolita
And you never will, with that attitude
Girl on cell: Hey! What's new?...What?...I have no life. I don't know what to tell you.
--Union Square
And frankly, she makes a good case
20-something (to boyfriend): Janet said that no boyfriends were invited to her party. But she then made exceptions, for different reasons, for the boyfriends of every other girl who is invited to the party who has a boyfriend. Except for you. So I'm worried that she may not like you.
--F train
Our New Motto
Perceptive woman: Anytime you overhear people, if you only hear a second of what they say, it's always completely stupid.
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
"C" You Then!
Fat tourist: A, I hate Spongebob. B, I'll see you over the summer.
--R train
Overheard by: Laurea de Ocampo
"...And then she took my shanks away!"
Meathead: I want to get the Jesus fish tattooed on my back with the Greek letters in it. But my Mom even has a problem with that!
--D train
I have that record
Hipster: Hey, that's my favorite song! It's by Philip Glass!
-- Alt.coffee, after employee stopped a CD playing in the background that had skipped and repeated the same sound for a few minutes.
Maybe you're over-reacting
Passport agent in airport to everyone waiting to go into customs: Everyone with a US passport, up against that wall!
Man in line: Have things changed that much?
-- JFK Airport
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