Terror Alert Level: Brown

Guy #1: I had the runs the entire damn flight and some bitch flight attendant tells me to stop going back and forth to the bathroom.
Guy #2: What did she think, you were going to blow up the plane with your explosive diarrhea?
Guy #1: Well, one thing’s for sure: I left that toilet in a hell of a mess! –JFK Starbucks Overheard by: Justin Ackman

This Is Plan: B, Plan: A Was (Tilts Head Toward Aluminum Garbage Can)

Young-looking 40-something: So, I've got some big news for you all…
Mother: Oh? Really?
Young-looking 40 something: We're adding a new member to the family!
Mother: You're pregnant?!
Young-looking 40-something: No, my daughter is. (tilts head towards teenage daughter)

–Cafeteria, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Headline by: Ryan

Runners-Up:
· “But, Okay, Yes, I Am Too” – Chuckles

· “Just Like Mom Used to Make ’em” – Slater
· “So You DIDN’T Just Save 15% on Car Insurance?” – benj
· “You Know It’s Time to Run for Vice-President When…” – Morning Glory


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Don't Know, You Keep Changing Your Fucking Story

Small giggly daughter: Daddy, do lions drink soda?
Father: Yes.
Small giggly daughter: Daddy, lions don't drink soda!
Father: No, they don't. Soda's bad for you…don't you know that, sweetie?

–D Train

Overheard by: Caitlin

Headline by: Emily Leonard

Runners-Up:
· “Children Get Confused When Their Daddies Are Always Lion” – Matt Wozniski
· “Fanta Bad…Antelope Good” – Edmond “The Lurch” Kida
· “Here, Hold on to Daddy’s Cigarettes Like a Good Little Girl” – Katoe
· “Mastering Her Psychic Powers, Little Susie Soon Ruled the World” – Nick Pollotta
· “Nick Pollotta’s Got This Rigged” – psh
· “There Goes the Narnia Product Placement Deal” – Baby
· “This Would Be Funny If He Didn’t Have Alzheimer’s” – Muse on the Loose


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners' Monogrammed Towels Say “W.O.L.”

Preppy teenage boy on cell: I use the word "ex" as a coping mechanism. She can have her name back once I'm healed.

–Grand Central

Transvestite on cell: I'm changing my name from Angela to Rachel. Angela sounds very Disney. I don't feel like Disney. I feel like a hard sound, like Rachel.

–Pelham Bay Park

Black guy: Shit be fucked up. Niggas got bitches' names. Bitches got niggas' names.

–26th & 8th

Overheard by: Withnail

Yuppie to another: You know, man, I think you say my name more than your wife's.

–62nd & 2nd

Overheard by: The Vonz

Upper East Side girl, seriously: You know what the first thing I look for in a gentleman caller is? His name.

–89th St & 3rd Ave