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July 2004 Archives
5 Puppies, 6 Assholes
A man has a bag full of young dogs.
Chick: Oh look! It's a pouch of puppies!
Angered Man: Puppy pouch.
--5th St. & 2nd Ave.
How About "We Don't Try to Conquer Europe"?
German tourist: You can't smoke inside and you can't drink outside. What the hell do you people do in New York City?
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Christopher
A New York Moment
A woman has a chihuahua in her purse. An old man enters the train.
Old man: Cute dog. Do you take him everywhere?
Woman: Uh huh. We saw Spider-man yesterday.
Old man: You saw Spider-man yesterday?
Woman: Yeah.
Old man: How did you like it?
Woman: Oh, you know. It is what it is.
Old man: Not that great, huh? Ha, ha. Well, take care.
The man leaves the train. The woman looks down at her dog.
Woman: That was weird.
--V Train
Teabagging 101
Preteen Boy #1: Get her, fuck her, leave her.
Preteen Boy #2: Is that what you do?
Preteen Boy #1: Hell yeah. Teabagging.
Preteen Boy #2: Teabagging?
Preteen Boy #1: Yeah. Get in and get out. That's teabagging.
Preteen Boy #2: Ha, ha! Teabagging!
Preteen Boy #1: Hey, how do you spell Utah?
Preteen Boy #2: U... U...
Preteen Boy #1: Tell me how to spell Utah, motherfucker!
--Smith/9th St. Station
Overheard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy
He Meant Auto-fellated
Girl: "Teleported." That's what he said.
Boy: What?
Girl: You know, teleporting.
Boy: Oh, okay, yeah.
Girl: He said he teleported himself, but it turned out he was lying!
Boy: Really?
--6 Train
Overheard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy
Now Serving: Miss Modular
A DJ who has gotten too big for her britches finishes playing a Rubber Rodeo song.
Indie guy: Great song. So...you've got my info?
Miss DJ: Yes. I have your e-mail. We'll be in touch.
Mr Bartender: If you're going to be in touch with that boy, can I watch?
--Mondo, Bar 169
The Hipster Glass House
Hipster, sitting in a cafe for two hours chatting on his cell phone: You will never do anything if you procrastinate.
--Atlas Cafe, Williamsburg
I was born yesterday
Recent college graduate #1: Have you ever seen an actual 8-track?
Recent college graduate #2: Yes, I've seen one--but I've never seen a movie on one.
-- Private apartment, Boerum Hill, Brooklyn
Hanging up is just too hard
Woman, screaming into her cell phone: I SAID I DON'T KNOW YOU. I CALLED THE WRONG NUMBER. I'M NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE QUESTIONS FROM YOU. I DIDN'T WANT TO CALL YOU. I DON'T KNOW YOU. I DON'T KNOW. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S NUMBER. I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU. I DON'T KNOW! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT? I DON'T KNOW YOU. I DIDN'T MEAN TO ALL YOU. I'M NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE QUESTIONS. BYE.
--Union Square Park
Bill Cosby Is Spinning in His Grave
Black Kid #1: Yo nigga, how long are we taking this train up? Yo dumb nigga, answer me.
Black Kid #2: Yo what?
Black Kid #1: How long are we taking this train up for?
Black Kid #2: I don't know.
Black Kid #1: Niggers are dumb anyway.
--F Train
Sausage Fest Y2K4
Man #1: I am getting ready to throw my annual party soon.
Man #2: Dude, just remember to invite women this year.
--Central Park
Snappy Questions to Stupid Answers
Mother: Hey, have you been to the freak show...lately?
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Matt Law
Swing Low Sweet Chariots
Teen girl #1: I hate you. Your boobs are always so cute and perky!
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but when I'm not wearing a bra, they're like...down to my navel.
--Kew Gardens
No wonder the dot-coms went under
Techie: ...and there was a strong correlation between the last two digits of their social security numbers and how much they spent on the site!
-- Office, midtown
Tunneldumb and Tunneldumber
Lesbian #1: The G train always takes so long between stops, especially since it's not going in a tunnel.
Lesbian #2: But it does go through a tunnel.
Lesbian #1: Yeah, but I mean a tunnel under water.
Lesbian #2: Oh, yeah, okay, it's not going under water.
Lesbian #1: I always wondered how they make those tunnels.
Lesbian #2: They have one of those machines, that goes in circles.
Lesbian #1: Oh, okay...
Lesbian #2: You know, the one that goes in circles really quickly?
Lesbian #1: Yeah... [Pause] But when they build the tunnel in the water, does it go in the water, or under the water?
Lesbian #2: Under the water.
Lesbian #1: Oh, right.
--G train
What's Your P-p-point?
Woman #1: That bad, huh?
Woman #2: And he stutters. I just want to smack him over the head. Spit it out!
--Bensonhurst
Puerto Rican Pride
Female Police Officer: So he calls me at 1:59 and tells me, 'I'm out with the guys and I won't be able to be home by 2.' So I say to him, 'Just don't come home at 6 am!' and he says okay and then he comes home at 5:59!
Male Police Officer: Why do you put up with this?
Female Police Officer: Because once you go Puerto Rican, you never go a-seekin'!
--Precinct 90, Williamsburg
Non-sequitur theater
Businessman: It wasn't the Buddhist philosophy that I objected to. I objected to the fact that they wanted my therapist's signature.
--Flatiron district
Warning: Cross-dressing has been found to cause cancer in laboratory animals
Customer: I'm looking for a book. The computer said it was in stock when I was here before but it wasn't on the shelf. Can you check to see if it's saying that it's still in stock?
Clerk: Sure.
Customer: It's called Drag Diaries.
Clerk: Yeah, it's saying that there's one in stock but we sold a copy in May. That might be the one we're showing as still in stock.
Customer: Right.
Clerk: It would be in gay studies. You can check again.
Customer: Then do you have anything on crystal healing?
--The Strand
But What About Miracle Whip?
Man: So you've had problems with customers before, huh?
Cashier: Just one guy. It was 4th of July weekend and he was going on about sour cream. He was the only one in the store. He started hitting me because he said I charged the wrong price. I kept telling him that he had to leave.
Man: Wow!
Cashier: Yeah, he was obviously going senile. I mean, I'd never hit anyone over sour cream!
--Waldbaum's, Bensonhurst
Straightlines without Punchlines
Man (to hipstress): You should get a tattoo of Ben Franklin.
--22nd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Matt Law
(Actually, Turtles Don't Age)
Chick #1: So did you call him?
Chick #2: Nah.
Chick #1: Why not?
Chick #2: He literally looks like an old turtle.
--D Train
"And Your Pussy Looks Like..."
Woman #1: And then she said, your ass looks like my dog!
Woman #2: She's right.
--West Village
Go Back to Israel!
Jewess: That's the third time you mentioned Jews. What's wrong with Jews?
Goy: They are demanding, confrontational, and have a hard time telling the truth. What religion are you, anyway?
Jewess: Uh...Baptist.
--Times Square
Overheard by: J. Peter Jones
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST
Copy boy: Mr. Murdoch on the line.
The news editor on duty picks up the phone.
News editor: Right. Right. OK...Source? No source...Right...It's Gephardt. OK.
--NY Post Offices
Straightlines without Punchlines
Man: This guy who works at the library is thinking of spending $1600 and getting the Star Trek emblem tattooed on his chest.
--Library Bar
But I Want Emphysema Now
Cashier: Here's your change. Have a good day.
Smoker: Matches.
Cashier: There's no matches left, sorry.
Smoker: No matches? Without matches it's not worth it.
--Rite-Aid, Bensonhurst
Illegal Chinese Fireworks
A two year old Chinese girl decided to squat on a manhole cover.
Chinese Mom: What are you doing?! That will warm up your butt and it will burst into flames!
--66th & Columbus
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Punchlines without Straightlines
Very Straight Guy: Hey, it's not like I'm giving Ellen DeGeneres a claddagh ring!
--Jeremy's Ale House
Overheard by: Megan Buckley
A UN for Assholes
Jerk: I love making fun of the German. I love making fun of the French, too. I'm an equal opportunity destroyer.
--D Train
Pencil Envy
A boss approaches his employee, holding up two pieces of lead for a retractable pencil.
Boss: I don't ask you to do much, but can you tell me which one of these is bigger?
--UES
Overheard by: Mindi Laine
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