I Got 99 Problems (But a Wednesday One-Liner Ain’t One)

Guy on phone: Listen, dude. Whenever you hang out with me again, don’t bring your wife. She’s a bitch.

–42nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Maria

Homeless man on cell: The brother needs to know when to wear a rubber, man. That’s some easy pussy. The bitch just needs a crib to bang in.

–Lafayette & Broadway

Queer: That bitch called me and was like, ‘I swallowed a bunch of pills.’ And I’m like, ‘Obviously that shit didn’t work, now did it — if your ass is calling me? You need to get yourself into the Drano. I’ll wait on the line while you do.’

–W 4th & 6th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Gangster girl to gangster boyfriend: I hope I don’t have to fight nobody on this train or else I’ll go Jet Li on this bitch.

–D Train

Overheard by: Kate

Woman: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please don’t hold the doors unless you wanna get bitch-slapped.

–A Train

Overheard by: Josh H

Black man on cell: Alright, you go take a shower and wash that kitty cat real good. [Hangs up] Right, that bitch never fuckin’ do nothin’.

–Metro North train to Grand Central

Overheard by: pepepepepe!

Eight-year-old girl trying to catch up to group of girls her age: Wait up, bitches! Wait up, you bitches! [Girls don’t wait for her] Beeyotches!

–91st & 2nd

…And She Just Got Out Of Rehab Again

Black father, explaining white Cabbage Patch kid to young daughter: This is Karen Whitey. She has a trust fund.
Mom, looking at box: Her name's Katrina.

–Target, Atlantic Avenue


This Kid Grown Up

Mother: Stop running! Do you want to get hit by a car?
Small boy: Yes! Yaaaay!

–Waverly & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Anna