Wednesday One-Liners Will Fuck You Up, Son

Thug: I’m a super duper human being! I’m a super duper human being! I’m a super duper human being!

–Queens-bound F train

Overheard by: sunburned like a bitch

Teen Latino thug to friend: Yo, there be some mad hot wizards up in this bitch! Or should I say, ‘wizard-ettes.’

Harry Potter screening, Loews, 34th St

Thug: … And he was there, with his cane and beard, lookin’ all Gandalf and shit.

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: Catherine

Teen thug: She is extra violent! She got UV rays!

–W 4th St platform

Overheard by: Emily B.

Thugette leaning against mail truck: Yeah, I’s the post bitch.

–Church St

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note

Columbia student on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I needed to mess around with that suicidal chick last weekend.

–W 114th St

Overheard by: arthur digby sellars

Middle-aged lady on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? … That’s not a suicide pact, Dad, it’s a murder-suicide.

–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn

Old suburban lady: Well, maybe I should try killing myself for once!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Ian

Teen to friend, enthusiastically: Let’s hold hands and skip and tell him to go kill himself!

–Henderson Ave, Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Old guy: Guy is holding up traffic for five hours because he wants to jump off the George Washington Bridge. You wanna kill yourself, take a bottle of pills!

–Chiropracter’s office

Overheard by: sara n.

And Tragically Bitchy.

Balding chubby man #1: Yeah, man, marriage is rough. I mean, you need to find someone who can bring something to the table.
Balding chubby man #2: Yeah…what do you mean?
Balding chubby man #1: I mean, when you hit 30 and are looking to settle down, you need to find someone who has something to offer, cause if she doesn't have something to offer, then you are in trouble.
Balding chubby man #2: Okay.
Balding chubby man #1: I mean, look at Paul McCartney, he married that lady, and they were together, what, five years? She brought nothing to the table. Then they divorced and she got 60 million dollars. Just like that!
Balding chubby man #2: Yeah, that's a lot of money.
Balding chubby man #1: I know! But I shouldn't talk bad about her…you know, cause she's crippled.

–N Train

Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: That? Oh, that’s nothing. It’s just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: wish I’d caught that last word

Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff…

–Columbia University classroom

Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative

Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There’s over five thousand tigers to choose from.

–W 4th & Jones

Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I’m a monkey.

–NYU Cantor Center

Overheard by: NYU student

Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?

–113th St

Overheard by: McFreaky

Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.

–Stuyvesant High

WASP on cell: I said ‘camels.’ He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.

–Metro-North