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October 2004 Archives
A Homeless Miss Manners
Vagrant: Can you help a homeless man get something to eat? Huh? Ma'am? Did you say no? I can't hear you!
Chinese Lady: No.
Vagrant: She said no! People, let me hear you!
--6 Train
Trick or Treat with the Homeless
Hobo: ...damn, this is some fucked up shit. Most fucked up shit I've ever seen. Motherfucker arguin' with himself. Who argues with himself? Man, this is some fucked up shit...
--West Village
Overheard by: Matt Muscari
But First I'll Stuff Him with Chocolate!
Girl #1: Mom wants you to dress Jose up for Halloween.
Girl #2: He's only 1 1/2 years old. What would I do that for?
Girl #1: Dress him up as an M&M.
Girl #2: Oh, right.
--L Train
Overheard by: Christopher
Or a blind Venetian, more likely
Woman: He's so horny he'd fuck a venetian blind.
--Starbucks, UES
Making the Worst Kind of Deposit
A trader is on his cell while on the toilet.
Trader: Is there a time-frame here?
Through the stall is heard the response.
Trader #2: If you see sudden movements, we'll know it's time.
--Trading floor bathroom, Park Avenue Plaza
Overheard by: Aaron H.
...And Some Half-and-Half to Wash Down These Pills
Guy: Hey, Paul! What's up?
Paul: Oh, I'm just going to hang myself. I mean, get some coffee.
--57th & Lex
Overheard by: Heather
You Can't Make This Crap Up
An activist interrupts a group of yuppie chicks having a discussion.
Activist: Do you have a minute for gay rights?
Chick #1: Sorry.
Activist: Have a good day.
He leaves them to their conversation.
Chick #1: Then he's been getting after me about how I'm selfish, and about how selfish I am.
--Union Square
That Is Happy!
Hobo: Damn, that nigga be happier than a faggot in a bag of dick.
--125th & Lexington
Is That a Euphemism for Hemorrhoids?
Goth Girl: ...yeah, I wear his ring around my neck, and I gave him this flame pendant, cause y'know, I consider myself a fire fairy.
Pal: Oh yeah, definitely.
--NYU Cinema Class
It's What God Gave Me
Chick on cell: Yeah, it was huge! They did it like twice, and she had to stay home from work the next day. She's still sore. Now I'm supposed to see him tonight, and I don't know what to do...OK, Mom! I'll talk to you later!
--Midtown
Work Gets in the Way of My Me Time
Rich Girl: Wow Mallory, you have such a busy week coming up. It's a good thing you don't have a job.
Mallory: Yeah.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Danger
No, But Her Acting is Contagious
Girl: Salma Hayek is part Mexican and part Syrian.
Guy: She's cesarean? Ain't that a disease?
--7 Train
Overheard by: LugoLounge
I Go to Church to Pick Up Couples
GOP Chick #1: It's not so much the church as the people.
GOP Chick #2: What's wrong with the people?
GOP Chick #1: There's a lot of singles.
--New York Young Republicans Party, Flatiron District
My Ass is Voting for the President
NYU Girl: I saw her on the subway. She was wearing pink Ugg boots, bright pink stockings, a short skirt and a ton of eyeliner, and then she turns around and I see that she's got a Bush/Cheney sticker slapped across her ass!
NYU Guy: Well, that's a moment when you want to ask her Who do you work for, and how much are they paying you to do this?
--Broadway & East 9th Street
Pepperoni Dreams
Three policemen are talking to a man inside Two Boots Pizza behind the security gate and locked front door, 9 am Sunday morning.
Cop: How did you get in here?
Man: I woke up here in the middle of the night!
Cop: Do you work here?
Man: No!
--Avenue A
I'm Michael Malice, and I Overheard This Message
Strand Guy: Hey, John! How are you?
John: Seven days, man. Seven days.
Strand Guy: Hopefully the world will be safe for democracy.
John: I dunno. Halliburton has some no bid contracts.
Strand Guy: You believe that?!
John: Yeah.
--Strand Basement
"Fairy" is a Much More Polite Slur
Boy #1: Hey mom, is...is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it's a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don't want to hear that language!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Blake Wyatt
Next Stop: Dorktown
NYU Girl: Have you ever taken the bus?
NYU Guy: No.
NYU Girl: Oh my God! It's so fun! We should take it!
NYU Guy: Where to?
NYU Girl: I don't know.
--3rd Avenue and 10th Street
This One's Just Weird
Woman Passenger: How do we get Bowery Street?
Passerby: Fuck you, you fucking clit, I love you!
--Bowery
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
...And 3 with a Dwarf is a Porno
Nymphet: No, I am serious. Three is menage a trois, but after that it is just an orgy.
--East Village
Have It? I AM It!
Lady: Do you have Real Simple?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple? Do you have Real Simple magazine?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple! Do you have Real Simple?!
--Magazine Stand, Herald Square
Overheard by: Rehey
That's Not Saying Much
Hipster: Jesus! This place is worse than Austin seven years ago!
--Bedford St. Station, Williamsburg
Overheard by: K.
I Think I'm Switching Branches
White Trash Lady: I don't want to be hit with overdraft charges.
White Trash Guy: You can't overdraft. They know you better than that.
White Trash Lady: I can do it. I don't know how I do but I do it.
--Independence Bank, Bensonhurst
I Do Envy the Unlimited Sick Leave
Garbageman: They all wanna fucking be like us.
--LES
Overheard by: Justin Sheckler
"I Said Coffee!"
Cashier #1: I felt so bad. She was trying to be so nice to her, but this woman was just horrible.
Cashier #2: What happened?
Cashier #1: She asked her if she wanted a vente mocha frappacino--she was even smiling and stuff when she asked--and then the woman got all mad and said, "Look it, I don't speak Italian."
--Starbucks, Astor Place
I'm Not Feeling So Good Myself
Tech Chick #1: Hi, how are you?
Tech Chick #2: I'm good.
Tech Chick #1: Good.
Tech Chick #2: How are you?
Tech Chick #1: I'm good.
Tech Chick #2: Good.
Tech Chick #1: How are you?
Tech Guy: Good, how are you?
Tech Chick #1: Good...*sigh*... it's good.
--Office, Chelsea
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Maybe He's Talking Physics
Suit: We're really quite busy, actually. The lack of work hasn't really affected the amount of work.
--9th Ave.
Overheard by: Brad Wilson
--Which Is Why You Should Celebrate!
Drunk Claire: Steph, we've been best friends for, like, 15 years now. You are like, totally my very best friend, but I wish you could, like, make more time for me, you know? Like, I know you have your grandmother's party coming up and all--
Drunk Steph: Claire, my grandmother died 4 years ago.
--West Village
Just Across The Street From Stuyvesant...
Prof: A noun is a person, place or thing. Can someone give me a noun? William?
William: How 'bout...motherfucker?
Prof: That could be a noun, but also a verb or even an adjective...
--BMCC
Overheard by: Professor
I Was Channeling Lynda Lopez, Myself
The music stops.
Hoochie: What happened? I was totally channeling J. Lo! Ah, whatever. I do what I want.
--Delancey Lounge, LES
An Apple a Day Keeps STDs Away
Man: Do you think anyone will notice us coming into work together?
Woman: I don't know, but I'm still going to get an apple.
Man: Yeah, I'm going to get my third cup of coffee.
--42nd Street
Looks Like It's Kerry!
Statler: My kid just told me he's making the ultimate sacrifice.
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: He told me that it'd be okay for the Red Sox to beat the Yankees, as long as George Bush loses the election.
Waldorf: My god.
--14th Street YMCA
Bullwinkle Ate My Family
Chick: Yeah, deers aren't that bad. You're in trouble if you hit a cow, though. And even worse would be a moose, because if you don't kill it it's gonna kill you!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Danger!!!!
Mind the Gap, and the Map
Tourist chick #1: You have to go uptown in order to go downtown to Chinatown.
Tourist chick #2: And I thought this was a non-stop...
--6 Train
Maybe It's Not the Location, Sweethearts
NYU Princess #1: I totally hate New York, there's nothing to do here.
NYU Princess #2: Totally. It sucks. Want to go to Brooklyn?
NYU Princess #1: Why? What's there?
NYU Princess #2: Williamsburg? I don't know, nothing. Probably the same boring shit as here.
NYU Princess #1: Yeah, totally. But different at least.
NYU Princess #2: Yah, totally.
--E 12 and 4 Ave
Overheard by: Kevin
Readers: Complete This Overheard Fragment
Guy: So let me get this straight. First, you sleep with my brother, then you get pregnant, then--
--LES
Partially Overheard by: Matty Sallin
Well I've drank Pepsi Edge, and I did use a cup
Guy: Of course I've drank kerosene. But it wasn't like I used a cup, though. I used a siphon.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
Has "Fruit" Been Reclaimed Yet?
Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm...a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You're telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you're the fruit!
Son: No, I don't have seeds.
Dad: ...I'm not going there.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Rehey
I Blame Woodrow Wilson
Yuppie: I just really hate the Garden State mentality.
--West Village
Then Why Aren't You On A Cell?
Guy: Success is always coming between us. It's always been that way, and will continue to be that way.
--Pay phone, Cobble Hill
"Very" Surrealistic?
Woman #1: I think it's a lion. See? That's its eye, there's its tail.
Woman #2: I think it's a frog.
Woman #1: Really? I don't see that.
Woman #2: I mean a very surrealistic frog.
--MOMA
Overheard by: Peter Anthony Ryan
We Don't Serve That Here
Customer: A hot coffee, please.
Cashier: Huh?
--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd
Does FHM Give You Hep-A, Too?
Maxim staff #1: Yeah, we're going to make you walk around in a plastic bubble or something.
Maxim staff #2: ...NO, that is not THE RIGHT KIND of herpes!
Maxim staff #3: Is there a RIGHT kind of herpes?
--Midtown elevator
Yes, Both Are Very Clean Peoples
Man: I directed a show at a musical theatre awards dinner last night. All the great, older musical writers were there: Kander, Ebbs, everyone. You should see their wives. They're gorgeous.
Woman: They have wives? I thought they were gay.
Man: Oh, no. They're Jewish.
--LES
Actually, Mr. Dole, You Aren't the President
A man hands a woman a brochure for erectile dysfunction.
Man: I'm not only the president, I'm also a client.
--MetroNorth Train
Overheard by: Mark
...or a Metrocard
Girl: The party is out in Brooklyn? Are you kidding me? I swear you need a passport to get out there.
--UES
...and never the twain shall meet
Cashier #1: I'm sorry, what kind of drink do you want?
Cashier #2: He said fruit punch. There's a time to work and a time to think!
--Popeye's, 34th St.
A Really Dirty Martini
Middle-aged woman: I want Gloria Steinem's eyeballs in my fucking martini!
--East Village
But Khadaffy's Alive, Right?
Hipster #1: I know that I should know this, but when did Castro die or get overthrown?
Hipster #2: Uh, he's still in power.
Hipster #1: Oh, that explains why it's still illegal for us to travel to Cuba.
Hipster #2: Yeah.
--Motorcycle Diaries showing, Brooklyn Art Museum
Ah, The Dangers of Voting
Guy: Yeah, man, that's true. But you have to keep in mind that while you're emotionally emasculated, he's physically emasculated, and there's a helluva difference.
--Knitting Factory
Overheard by: Patrick Taylor
How Do You Pick a Pickle?
Boy: Yo, that's an oxymoron. That's like saying 'Peter picked a pail of pickles' and he's a vegetarian.
--Q111 bus, Jamaica Ave
But You're Starring on Overheard!
Hipster #1: This guy keeps following me around trying to get me to be in his movie.
Hipster #2: Ugh, I would never be in a movie!
--The Coral Room, Chelsea
Overheard by: Magpie
Georgia Out of My Mind
Woman: Where is Georgia anyway?
Her brother: It's a state.
Woman: I know, but where is it?
Her brother: Down south somewhere.
--Newark Airport
Overheard by: Coffee
Stop Shaving My Legs, For One
A guy and a girl are standing next to each other, waiting to cross the street. She's wearing a winter jacket, scarf and hat.
Guy: You're in trouble.
Girl: Why?
Guy: What the fuck are you going to do when it gets cold?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Anna Ryan
Don't Worry, It Didn't Notice
Chick: Oh my God! I forgot I was in New York!
--Astor Place
Why? Your Rent's the Same...
Hobo: I never should have left Kansas City.
--85th between 2nd & 3rd
I dunno. Let me think about it.
Hipster Art Guy #1: I'm working conceptually.
Hipster Art Guy #2: Cool. How's that going?
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Magpie
Look, the Chips are Red!
Columbia student #1: Would you like a free cookie from the Columbia anti-Socialist club?
Columbia student #2: Shouldn't that be "earn a cookie"?
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy
What About Robitussin?
Guy: Susan, you know you are limited to only wine and beer...
--Water St.
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Maybe He Should Put a Ring on His "Finger"
Woman: I ain't havin' no more babies out of wedlock. I mean I only got this one here but that's it. He better put a ring on my finger if he want another one.
--Ave B and 6th St.
Is There a Right Answer to This?
Gay man: Have you ever smelled your ass, after you buttfuck?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: Dana
Campaign Manager is the New 39
Reporter: Can I have your age?
Woman: Campaign manager.
--Daily News Office
I Think I'm The Old 28...
Man: 40 is the new 30; my teacher said that. She said 12 is the new 11. But she used to say 11 was the new 10.
--St. Mark's Place
Maybe He's a Widower?
A guy is being filmed for Fox 5 News Live.
Guy: I wanna say hi to my mother-in-law and my girlfriend in the Bronx.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Danger
Gin Makes a Woman Mean
Drunk Girl: I'm really glad you made it out tonight.
Sober Guy: I'm really glad you're going home.
He closes her cab door and walks away.
--Bleecker St.
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
Are You Listening, "Xtina"?
Girl: You have got to go inside and tell my boyfriend not to get the nose ring. A real one's OK, but a fake is just stupid.
--St. Mark's Place
...And He Has a Blog!
Girl #1: His name is Alan Golder?
Girl #2: Yes, he was on America's Most Wanted and Unsolved Mysteries. They call him the 'Dinnertime Bandit'.
Girl #1: What does he steal?
Girl #2: High-class jewelry. Bvlgari, Tiffany, DeBeers.
Girl #1: Geez, talking about stealing the family jewels.
--Centro-Fly Nightclub, West 21st Street
Overheard by: Peter G
Here's a High Concept One
Girl: So did I kiss him goodnight?
--St. Mark's Place
Don't Forget Their Fatty Salads!
New Yorker (to tourist): ...And this is McDonald's. They make hamburgers.
--LES
Nothing Makes Me Come Like Some Zyklon
Gay teen: I told her that while she's over there she has to find me a German boyfriend.
Girl: Why?
Gay teen: So he can dress up like a Nazi and we can play concentration camp fetish games.
Girl: Oh, right.
--Odessa, Ave. A
Name The Punchline
Girl: I'm, like, the token one. I'm the only lesbo there!
--West 4th and 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jamie
And now one that's not funny at all...
Husband: How long were you running around with him?
Wife: It's not your business.
Husband: It is. You don't know how to behave. I have a crazy wife and I need to know if I should be with her or not. Think about it.
Translated from the Russian.
--Bleecker St. Station
Nope. Are You An Idiot?
Guy #1: So you do live around here.
Guy #2: Nope.
Guy #1: So how do you know about Burritoville?
Guy #2: I've been around.
Guy #1: Oh, are you a cop?
--Taco Bell, East Village
Why Not Both?
NYU student: Are they tourists or are they just drunk?
--Bleeker & Thompson
New York's Only Republican
Woman: Did you just watch the Presidential debate?
Man: Yes, we did.
Woman: Are you Kerry supporters?
Man: No, of course not. Kerry is the worst presidential candidate in the last 50 years and he would be the worst president ever.
Woman: Oh, do you want to come to Good Morning America tomorrow and stand outside, waving Kerry signs?
Man: I was being entirely serious. I hate Kerry.
The woman looks at him, unbelieving, and walks away in silence.
--Outside the San Marcos bar, East Village
Down's Decimal System
Chick: I'm looking for a book on wars.
Librarian: Okay. Anything in particular?
Chick: Oh, you know. Just whatever.
--NY Science Library
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