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December 2004 Archives
The Last Quote of the Year
Two elderly women walk past a stand selling roasted cinnamon nuts and say: Ohhh boy, those nuts smell good...
--East Village
Then You Should Stop Doing It...
Bully: What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Why are you jacking me?
Scared Russian teen: I don't know what that means!
--D Train
No Context, No Sense
Girl #1: ...you think it would have been OK, all I had was a pastrami sandwich.
Girl #2: Well, that'll certainly keep him out of your butt for a while...
--2nd St. & Ave. A
It's Not Like I Talked About Her Behind Her Back...Before
Hipster Chick: So she's the heiress to like--what, K-mart or some shit?--and she can't afford to buy us all drinks? Fuck her!
--D Train
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Woman #1: It's really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful.
Woman #2: You mean he's rich?
Woman #1: Yeah. Exactly.
--Union Square
The Mother of Irony
Mom: What are you, stupid? 14 minus 34 is not 30 blocks. It's ten!
Daughter: No it's not.
Mom: Oh yeah, wait. It's twenty.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Rehey11
Actually, I Think We Got the Idea...
Stylish woman: Oh my god! This corn flan is amazing. It's corn...but it's flan...I can't even begin to describe it.
--North Square, Waverly Place
Overheard by: Christine M.
Wednesday One-liners
Hottie: ...and then I want to tell them: less gooch, more cooch.
--DtUt, LES
Overheard by: e. glass
HS kid: My friend's dad can blow smoke stars.
--Columbus Circle
Damn Robots Taking Our Jobs!
Businessman #1: Hey man, guess what I just found out? Martin is a robot!
Businessman #2: I always thought so. At least he's a good robot.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
The Customer is Always Dumb
Customer: French toast bagel.
Cashier: Cream cheese?
Customer: French toast bagel.
Cashier: French toast bagel, yes, but did you have cream cheese on it?!
--Au Bon Pain, 44th & Madison
What about his Arch-rival, Weezie Jefferson?
Student #1: Next question.
Student #2: Of the Federalist writers, who was the most suspicious of majority rule?
Student #1: Hamilton, right? He had the toughest stand on public rule.
Student #3: Wasn't so tough against Raymond Burr.
Student #2: What?
Student #3: You know. The dude who shot him.
Student #1: Aaron. Aaron Burr. Dumb fuck.
--4 train
Overheard by: Terence
Et Tu, Croutons?
HS Kid: One of my best friends is named Caesar actually...ha ha, actually he hates salad.
--L Train
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Like Squeezing a Stress Doll
Bouncer: Nice. Are those real?
Hottie: What do you think?
Bouncer: Can I check?
Hottie: You can poke at 'em, just don't feel them up.
He does so.
Bouncer: You can tell that they're fake.
Hottie: Well, they're bigger than they used to be.
--Club Spirit, Chelsea
Overheard by: Johnny Envelope
Readers: Answer His Overheard Question
Hoodie: Who's that guy who takes all the pictures of the little girls?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Keith Scott
Oh, Snap! Secretly Served!
Loser: You know what's funny? I'm actually more creative when I have thumbnails.
Artist (overhearing him, under her breath): Then you're not that creative.
--Holiday Markets, Union Square
Whipped But Not Pinched
Hubby: That woman just grabbed my ass!
Wifey: Yeah, you wish.
--Outside the Hard Rock, W 57th St.
Overheard by: Ron Marler
It's a Very Overheard Christmas
Six drunks are standing around on the corner.
Woman: Now in German!
Drunks: Stille nacht, heilige nacht...
--St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jamie Wisneski & Megan
Happy Birthday, Mithras!
Red State Girl: Is that a hammer in your bag?
Dealer: Yeah. It's a metaphor. 'Cause Jesus was a carpenter, see. And I walk with Jesus.
Red State Girl: Oh.
--29th Street & 7th Ave.
Overheard by: M. Martin
Happy Holidays--NYC Style
White Muslim Woman: The women who were sitting here were laughing at me because of how I look. I'm a social worker. Some of my clients are OMRDD so I read lips real well. Because I'm Muslim they didn't like my outfit. They think we don't care about how we dress. I was actually Krishna before I was Muslim. The Christmas holidays, the spirit is supposed to be giving. My daughter's Christian still. That's why I'm laughing. In my house we used to have Kwanzaa, everything. I knew my husband for three years. I taught him English. I was his teacher! I just converted. Reversion, they call it. Then two weeks later we got married. English I taught him and he was teaching me Arabic. We met in a store 'cause they have restrictions about coming up to a woman's apartment...They don't think you understand English, but I speak Spanish and Italian. One time this lady said she thought I was disgusting. I told her "You're disgusting!" in Spanish. I was peeing my pants. I was hysterical.
--D Train
When Bad Jokes Come to Life
Coffee Barista: Would you like to try our new egg nog latte?
Dwarf: No thanks, I just want a tall coffee.
--Starbucks, UWS
'Tis the Season for Giving...
Hobo: Got a quarter?
Guy: Yes. Do you?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ron Marler
Drugs+Music+Sammiches=Hilarity!
Sandwich Lady: I worked with him, you know.
Sandwich Guy: Who?
Sandwich Lady: Eric Clapton. He had a rep office on the island. I met lots of celebrities. KC and Jojo, they came too. They was on drugs.
--Cosi, 45th & Madison
A Downtown Scene
Woman #1: I think we should beat him up.
Woman #2: I'm a Muslim Buddhist Jew. I don't wanna listen to his Christian rock!
Woman #3: Hee hee...yeah!
--Financial District
The Comeback Is: "A Bitch Can't Be a Team Player"
Yuppie: So I said to him, "But I'm a team player" and then he looked at me and said, "Yeah, my dog's a team player" and ever since then, I've been trying to think of a witty comeback but I haven't.
-- 6 Train
Calling a Spade a Spade
Mr. Ivory: Why can't I say the "N" word?
Mr. Ebony: Certain people can't say certain things. Like we as Americans can say "Americans are so dumb to vote in Bush again", but let a Canadian say that same thing and I will slap his ass.
--East Village
Wednesday One-liners
Drunk Guy: That girl's tits are huge! And it's snowing!
--Fordham
A man on a tandem bicycle turns to the woman on it and says: You know, it's remarkable just how much like weddings funerals actually are.
--Varick Street
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Look What Britney Spears Hath Wrought
High School Girl: Yeah, he's like older, and really successful and stuff.
High School Guy: Is he critical?
High School Girl: Yeah. Totally critical.
--6 Train
Putting the Red back into Red State
NYU Girl #1: I like that one!
NYU Girl #2: Are you kidding? It's an abortion of a dress!
NYU Girl #1: I like it. I wish the government would pay for it too.
NYU Girl #2: No hope of that now.
--Window shopping on 6th Ave. & 8th St.
Overheard by: TankGirl
Yet I Still Woke Up in Puke
Guy #1: Ah man, last night was a tough one!
Guy #2: Another one of your famous drunken nights?
Guy #1: No. Another one of my not-so-famous sober nights.
--East Village
Rick James is Spinning in His Grave
Guy: I said, "I hate to break it to you, but I'm straight." And she said, "If you like girls, don't introduce yourself as Jeremy. It's a nice name." And I said, "I'm not interested in girls like that. I like the superfreaks."
--Belly, LES
A Little Potty Humor--Literally
Mother: When you go into the stall do not sit down on that toilet seat!
Girl: OK, Mommy.
Mother closes the door and goes into the next stall.
Girl: Mommy?
Mother: Yes?
Girl: I'm sittin' all over this toilet!
Mother: Girl, I told you not to sit on that toilet!
--Wendy's ladies room, W. 34th and 8th Ave
I Also Learned to Like Other Things
Guy #1: Did you know that I never liked broccoli until I went to jail?
Guy #2: Is it your favorite meal?
Guy #1: Of course!
--Porto-bello, Thompson Street
It's All Greek to Me
Businessguy: It's a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.
--Midtown office
NY: the Melting Pot
Russian Man: Don't push.
Spanish Lady: This is the subway. What do you expect?
Russian Man: Well, you don't have to push.
Spanish Lady: Welcome to New York City!
Russan Woman: Yeah, welcome to New York City.
Spanish Lady: You welcoming me? You're the one with the accent!
--L Train
Trains and Trainables
Tourist Chick #1: There's a subway on every corner in New York.
Tourist Chick #2: Really? Wow. How about the trains?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: rei-ray
When Words Lose Their Meaning
Old Friend #1: I can't believe how long it's been!
Old Friend #2: Me either. What do you do now?
Old Friend #1: Workin' down at the docks.
Old Friend #2: You ever see old so-and-so?
Old Friend #1: Yeah, I used to see him all the time once in a while.
--F Train
Nor Should He Have Access To
Maintenance worker: I got no problem with him, but he shouldn't be touching my nipple.
--Women's rest room, Grand Central Station
Santa Claus is Coming!
Cameraman: They actually have a huge problem every year at Rockefeller Center with all the people standing around at the ice rink and the tree. Guys will jerk off and rub up against people.
--9th Ave. and 55th
Overheard by: Meredith
Taking a Knife is the new Taking a Bullet
Guy: Yo, it's not like a religion or nothin'. More like a nation, really. I'm tellin' you, we got our own rules. We respect each other.
Girl #1: Are you sure it's not a religion?
Guy: Nah. Like for example, if some guy tried to stab my friend, I'd jump in and take that blade for him. I'd do that for him.
Girl #2: That's respect.
--B Train
Overheard by: Dominic
Must Be a Zoo Thing
Man #1: I don't want roasted quail.
Man #2: It's Ethiopian.
--Bronx Zoo
Only in New York and Only in Her
Cum slut: I thought the spermicide would take the sperm away. But it stayed in there and just got itchy. And burns.
--Ginger, Ave. A
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Yes, But Thoughts Are Usually A Penny
Street Vendor: Hey, hey, hey man, jewelry blow out special. Everything a dollar. Buy something nice for your wife for the holidays. One dollar!
Businessman: A dollar? I'm not gonna buy my wife jewelry for a dollar.
Street Vendor: It's the thought that counts.
--57th and 8th
Overheard by: Josh Caldwell
Thanks, I Used Manic Panic
Businesswoman #1: How are you doing?
Businesswoman #2: Crazy. How are you?
Businesswoman #1: Not as crazy as you, I guess. Your hair looks good today.
--Midotwn office
Bludgeoning: The New Cure for Alzheimer's
Businessman: He needs a good beating. He's starting to lose his mind.
--Midtown office
But They'll Never Spread For You
Guy: Lady, you got great legs.
Lady: I'm a lesbian!
Guy: Okay, you're a lesbian who got great legs.
Lady: Oh...well, thanks.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: Heather
Alcohol and Nicotine, That's the Way to Go
Guy on cell: Are you serious?...You really should stop smoking weed and smoking crack.
--CVS, 6th Ave. & Bleecker
Unfortunately It's All Downhill From There...
Guy Clubber: Hey, Shorty!!
Girl Clubber: Ya?
Guy Clubber: I just got to tell you that you have the best forehead I've ever seen...but don't get too cute.
Girl Clubber: Umm...OK?
--Club NV, Soho
Overheard by: Debony Miller
They Make My Ass Cry Brown Tears
Woman on cell: I think they put onions in my sandwich. I'm running home now, let me call you when I get off the toilet.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Anne C.
If Not Dick, Then Dictionaries
Woman: If I don't find a guy I want to date within the next year, then I'm going back to school.
--B3 Restaurant, Avenue B
Overheard by: Laura Walker
I Was Also Afraid Of How He Made Me Feel
HS guy: He's just so irritatingly flamboyant. The first day of class I didn't want to sit in the front row. I was afraid he'd burst into flames.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Spinach and the Insane
Nut: The original voice of Popeye was Allen Swift.
Patron: Allen Swift, huh?
Nut: You don't believe me.
Patron: No, I'm just, um, impressed that you know so much about Popeye.
--Museum of Television and Radio
Other Side Effects Include Dizziness, Upset Stomach...
Hipster: I went to a Polish beauty pageant last night in Brooklyn. It totally blew my brains apart.
--Williamsburg