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December 2004 Archives
The Last Quote of the Year
Two elderly women walk past a stand selling roasted cinnamon nuts and say: Ohhh boy, those nuts smell good...
--East Village
Then You Should Stop Doing It...
Bully: What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Why are you jacking me?
Scared Russian teen: I don't know what that means!
--D Train
No Context, No Sense
Girl #1: ...you think it would have been OK, all I had was a pastrami sandwich.
Girl #2: Well, that'll certainly keep him out of your butt for a while...
--2nd St. & Ave. A
It's Not Like I Talked About Her Behind Her Back...Before
Hipster Chick: So she's the heiress to like--what, K-mart or some shit?--and she can't afford to buy us all drinks? Fuck her!
--D Train
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Woman #1: It's really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful.
Woman #2: You mean he's rich?
Woman #1: Yeah. Exactly.
--Union Square
The Mother of Irony
Mom: What are you, stupid? 14 minus 34 is not 30 blocks. It's ten!
Daughter: No it's not.
Mom: Oh yeah, wait. It's twenty.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Rehey11
Actually, I Think We Got the Idea...
Stylish woman: Oh my god! This corn flan is amazing. It's corn...but it's flan...I can't even begin to describe it.
--North Square, Waverly Place
Overheard by: Christine M.
Wednesday One-liners
Hottie: ...and then I want to tell them: less gooch, more cooch.
--DtUt, LES
Overheard by: e. glass
HS kid: My friend's dad can blow smoke stars.
--Columbus Circle
Damn Robots Taking Our Jobs!
Businessman #1: Hey man, guess what I just found out? Martin is a robot!
Businessman #2: I always thought so. At least he's a good robot.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
The Customer is Always Dumb
Customer: French toast bagel.
Cashier: Cream cheese?
Customer: French toast bagel.
Cashier: French toast bagel, yes, but did you have cream cheese on it?!
--Au Bon Pain, 44th & Madison
What about his Arch-rival, Weezie Jefferson?
Student #1: Next question.
Student #2: Of the Federalist writers, who was the most suspicious of majority rule?
Student #1: Hamilton, right? He had the toughest stand on public rule.
Student #3: Wasn't so tough against Raymond Burr.
Student #2: What?
Student #3: You know. The dude who shot him.
Student #1: Aaron. Aaron Burr. Dumb fuck.
--4 train
Overheard by: Terence
Et Tu, Croutons?
HS Kid: One of my best friends is named Caesar actually...ha ha, actually he hates salad.
--L Train
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Like Squeezing a Stress Doll
Bouncer: Nice. Are those real?
Hottie: What do you think?
Bouncer: Can I check?
Hottie: You can poke at 'em, just don't feel them up.
He does so.
Bouncer: You can tell that they're fake.
Hottie: Well, they're bigger than they used to be.
--Club Spirit, Chelsea
Overheard by: Johnny Envelope
Readers: Answer His Overheard Question
Hoodie: Who's that guy who takes all the pictures of the little girls?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Keith Scott
Oh, Snap! Secretly Served!
Loser: You know what's funny? I'm actually more creative when I have thumbnails.
Artist (overhearing him, under her breath): Then you're not that creative.
--Holiday Markets, Union Square
Whipped But Not Pinched
Hubby: That woman just grabbed my ass!
Wifey: Yeah, you wish.
--Outside the Hard Rock, W 57th St.
Overheard by: Ron Marler
It's a Very Overheard Christmas
Six drunks are standing around on the corner.
Woman: Now in German!
Drunks: Stille nacht, heilige nacht...
--St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jamie Wisneski & Megan
Happy Birthday, Mithras!
Red State Girl: Is that a hammer in your bag?
Dealer: Yeah. It's a metaphor. 'Cause Jesus was a carpenter, see. And I walk with Jesus.
Red State Girl: Oh.
--29th Street & 7th Ave.
Overheard by: M. Martin
Happy Holidays--NYC Style
White Muslim Woman: The women who were sitting here were laughing at me because of how I look. I'm a social worker. Some of my clients are OMRDD so I read lips real well. Because I'm Muslim they didn't like my outfit. They think we don't care about how we dress. I was actually Krishna before I was Muslim. The Christmas holidays, the spirit is supposed to be giving. My daughter's Christian still. That's why I'm laughing. In my house we used to have Kwanzaa, everything. I knew my husband for three years. I taught him English. I was his teacher! I just converted. Reversion, they call it. Then two weeks later we got married. English I taught him and he was teaching me Arabic. We met in a store 'cause they have restrictions about coming up to a woman's apartment...They don't think you understand English, but I speak Spanish and Italian. One time this lady said she thought I was disgusting. I told her "You're disgusting!" in Spanish. I was peeing my pants. I was hysterical.
--D Train
When Bad Jokes Come to Life
Coffee Barista: Would you like to try our new egg nog latte?
Dwarf: No thanks, I just want a tall coffee.
--Starbucks, UWS
'Tis the Season for Giving...
Hobo: Got a quarter?
Guy: Yes. Do you?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ron Marler
Drugs+Music+Sammiches=Hilarity!
Sandwich Lady: I worked with him, you know.
Sandwich Guy: Who?
Sandwich Lady: Eric Clapton. He had a rep office on the island. I met lots of celebrities. KC and Jojo, they came too. They was on drugs.
--Cosi, 45th & Madison
A Downtown Scene
Woman #1: I think we should beat him up.
Woman #2: I'm a Muslim Buddhist Jew. I don't wanna listen to his Christian rock!
Woman #3: Hee hee...yeah!
--Financial District
The Comeback Is: "A Bitch Can't Be a Team Player"
Yuppie: So I said to him, "But I'm a team player" and then he looked at me and said, "Yeah, my dog's a team player" and ever since then, I've been trying to think of a witty comeback but I haven't.
-- 6 Train
Calling a Spade a Spade
Mr. Ivory: Why can't I say the "N" word?
Mr. Ebony: Certain people can't say certain things. Like we as Americans can say "Americans are so dumb to vote in Bush again", but let a Canadian say that same thing and I will slap his ass.
--East Village
Wednesday One-liners
Drunk Guy: That girl's tits are huge! And it's snowing!
--Fordham
A man on a tandem bicycle turns to the woman on it and says: You know, it's remarkable just how much like weddings funerals actually are.
--Varick Street
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Look What Britney Spears Hath Wrought
High School Girl: Yeah, he's like older, and really successful and stuff.
High School Guy: Is he critical?
High School Girl: Yeah. Totally critical.
--6 Train
Putting the Red back into Red State
NYU Girl #1: I like that one!
NYU Girl #2: Are you kidding? It's an abortion of a dress!
NYU Girl #1: I like it. I wish the government would pay for it too.
NYU Girl #2: No hope of that now.
--Window shopping on 6th Ave. & 8th St.
Overheard by: TankGirl
Yet I Still Woke Up in Puke
Guy #1: Ah man, last night was a tough one!
Guy #2: Another one of your famous drunken nights?
Guy #1: No. Another one of my not-so-famous sober nights.
--East Village
Rick James is Spinning in His Grave
Guy: I said, "I hate to break it to you, but I'm straight." And she said, "If you like girls, don't introduce yourself as Jeremy. It's a nice name." And I said, "I'm not interested in girls like that. I like the superfreaks."
--Belly, LES
A Little Potty Humor--Literally
Mother: When you go into the stall do not sit down on that toilet seat!
Girl: OK, Mommy.
Mother closes the door and goes into the next stall.
Girl: Mommy?
Mother: Yes?
Girl: I'm sittin' all over this toilet!
Mother: Girl, I told you not to sit on that toilet!
--Wendy's ladies room, W. 34th and 8th Ave
I Also Learned to Like Other Things
Guy #1: Did you know that I never liked broccoli until I went to jail?
Guy #2: Is it your favorite meal?
Guy #1: Of course!
--Porto-bello, Thompson Street
It's All Greek to Me
Businessguy: It's a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.
--Midtown office
NY: the Melting Pot
Russian Man: Don't push.
Spanish Lady: This is the subway. What do you expect?
Russian Man: Well, you don't have to push.
Spanish Lady: Welcome to New York City!
Russan Woman: Yeah, welcome to New York City.
Spanish Lady: You welcoming me? You're the one with the accent!
--L Train
Trains and Trainables
Tourist Chick #1: There's a subway on every corner in New York.
Tourist Chick #2: Really? Wow. How about the trains?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: rei-ray
When Words Lose Their Meaning
Old Friend #1: I can't believe how long it's been!
Old Friend #2: Me either. What do you do now?
Old Friend #1: Workin' down at the docks.
Old Friend #2: You ever see old so-and-so?
Old Friend #1: Yeah, I used to see him all the time once in a while.
--F Train
Nor Should He Have Access To
Maintenance worker: I got no problem with him, but he shouldn't be touching my nipple.
--Women's rest room, Grand Central Station
Santa Claus is Coming!
Cameraman: They actually have a huge problem every year at Rockefeller Center with all the people standing around at the ice rink and the tree. Guys will jerk off and rub up against people.
--9th Ave. and 55th
Overheard by: Meredith
Taking a Knife is the new Taking a Bullet
Guy: Yo, it's not like a religion or nothin'. More like a nation, really. I'm tellin' you, we got our own rules. We respect each other.
Girl #1: Are you sure it's not a religion?
Guy: Nah. Like for example, if some guy tried to stab my friend, I'd jump in and take that blade for him. I'd do that for him.
Girl #2: That's respect.
--B Train
Overheard by: Dominic
Must Be a Zoo Thing
Man #1: I don't want roasted quail.
Man #2: It's Ethiopian.
--Bronx Zoo
Only in New York and Only in Her
Cum slut: I thought the spermicide would take the sperm away. But it stayed in there and just got itchy. And burns.
--Ginger, Ave. A
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Yes, But Thoughts Are Usually A Penny
Street Vendor: Hey, hey, hey man, jewelry blow out special. Everything a dollar. Buy something nice for your wife for the holidays. One dollar!
Businessman: A dollar? I'm not gonna buy my wife jewelry for a dollar.
Street Vendor: It's the thought that counts.
--57th and 8th
Overheard by: Josh Caldwell
Thanks, I Used Manic Panic
Businesswoman #1: How are you doing?
Businesswoman #2: Crazy. How are you?
Businesswoman #1: Not as crazy as you, I guess. Your hair looks good today.
--Midotwn office
Bludgeoning: The New Cure for Alzheimer's
Businessman: He needs a good beating. He's starting to lose his mind.
--Midtown office
But They'll Never Spread For You
Guy: Lady, you got great legs.
Lady: I'm a lesbian!
Guy: Okay, you're a lesbian who got great legs.
Lady: Oh...well, thanks.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: Heather
Alcohol and Nicotine, That's the Way to Go
Guy on cell: Are you serious?...You really should stop smoking weed and smoking crack.
--CVS, 6th Ave. & Bleecker
Unfortunately It's All Downhill From There...
Guy Clubber: Hey, Shorty!!
Girl Clubber: Ya?
Guy Clubber: I just got to tell you that you have the best forehead I've ever seen...but don't get too cute.
Girl Clubber: Umm...OK?
--Club NV, Soho
Overheard by: Debony Miller
They Make My Ass Cry Brown Tears
Woman on cell: I think they put onions in my sandwich. I'm running home now, let me call you when I get off the toilet.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Anne C.
If Not Dick, Then Dictionaries
Woman: If I don't find a guy I want to date within the next year, then I'm going back to school.
--B3 Restaurant, Avenue B
Overheard by: Laura Walker
I Was Also Afraid Of How He Made Me Feel
HS guy: He's just so irritatingly flamboyant. The first day of class I didn't want to sit in the front row. I was afraid he'd burst into flames.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Spinach and the Insane
Nut: The original voice of Popeye was Allen Swift.
Patron: Allen Swift, huh?
Nut: You don't believe me.
Patron: No, I'm just, um, impressed that you know so much about Popeye.
--Museum of Television and Radio
Other Side Effects Include Dizziness, Upset Stomach...
Hipster: I went to a Polish beauty pageant last night in Brooklyn. It totally blew my brains apart.
--Williamsburg
The Cream Followed Soon After
Girl #1: Have you ever got hit by an errant cup of coffee?
Girl #2: Once, but I'm not sure how errant I'd consider it.
--Fix Coffee, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Go Back to Connecticut!
WASP Lady: The train service was really nice. Not at all like the subway.
--Midtown comics
Not Even an Albino?
Spa Girl: I just want to remind you that for 24 hours after your appointment you can't have any food or drink with color.
Man: So does that mean that I can't sleep with a black woman tonight?
Spa Girl: Uh...no! I guess not!
--BriteSmile Spa , 57th & 5th
Overheard by: Jackie Lee
All Aboard the HIV Express
Hot Girl: ...and then gonorrhea. Yeah, I think that's all I've had. Not as bad as I thought!
--Union Square Station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Overheard at Our Favorite Pizzeria II
Fratboy: The cute Asian girl. You know how everyone has a nickname? That's hers: the cute Asian girl. And she always smells so good!
--Joe's Pizza, Carmine St.
Overheard at Our Favorite Pizzeria
Bag Lady: It's always the same! It's always the same!
Woman: Would you like this [crust]?
Bag Lady: No, I want a whole pizza!
--Joe's Pizza, Carmine St.
Overheard by: Rachel W
FYI: They Didn't Get Any
Player: Nah, I don't really think I'm God. More like one of his disciples.
--Coffee Shop, Union Square
Overheard by: Ashley
Aloha to the Freak State
Shopgirl: You got to go to Hawaii for the summer? You're so lucky!
Shopqueer: Not so lucky; I had to come back.
Shopgirl: At least you got to get out of the country.
--Urban Outfitters, Upper West Side
Grr Power
Businesschick: Can we have a male do this job?
Businesswoman: Who are you going to find?
Businesschick: You throw another female in the mix, we're going to go off the deep end.
--Midtown office
Let's Put The Rum Back in Rum Cake
Chick: Remember when I got drunk off that cake?...Kate was there, too, but she has better tolerance and I was skinnier then, too.
--Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: alice ayers
No, We Only Have Pot
Man: Do you sell cannabis?
Florist: Cannabis?
Man: Yeah, it's a plant.
--28th Street
Wednesday One-Liners
Businesswoman: Tex-Mex is not Mexican food. It's American. That's why it's called Tex-Mex.
--Midtown Office
Chick: ...and the moral of the story is, don't take off your pants in a stockroom because you'll get dumped.
--UWS
Overheard by: e. glass
New Yorkers: Sticking Together
A cashier hands a girl her change.
Girl: Excuse me, but can you give me another 20 dollar bill? This one looks counterfeit.
The cashier takes the bill, examines it, and puts it back in the register. He gives her another bill.
Girl: Thanks. I just didn't want that one, you know? It didn't have the stripe down it. It looked too new. It just didn't look right. So don't give it to me; just give it to the guy behind me or something.
--Bagel Maven, 7th Avenue
Already Smarter Than Most Weathermen
Son: Is rain alien acid or regular acid?
Mom: Regular acid.
--43 Street & 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Ethan Knecht
A Liberal Use of the Word "Wow"
Guy: So...after she says that, I said, "Who would have ever thought to just cook lettuce?"
Girl: Woooooooooow.
--Bedford Street off Bleecker
Better Than A Chicken in His Bed
Hangover: So we made him do 4 shots of Jager and he woke up with chicken on his pillow.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Petey
Not As Much As You Hate Geography...
Employee: Would you like to try a new Portuguese wine?
Customer: I love South American wines!
--Cabrini Wines, Hudson Heights
Satanic Fashion is Always Hot
Boy#1: So what are you going to do? Go to gospel choir practice or go shopping?
Boy#2: The sales are this week. God...is...forever.
Boy#1: ...you may be going to Hell, but at least you'll look good going.
--East Village
Overheard by: michi-L
Maybe He Should Be Labelled Smart Businessman
Businessman: I'm thinking that a $10 parking ticket is just a $10 parking permit for the day.
--Midtown office
Mountain Dew: The Drink of Evil
Chick #1: That Dew's totally going to land on someone's shoe.
Chick #2: I know. I already stepped on like six feet.
--Mountain Dew promotional party (don't ask), Greenpoint
Ironically They Were Uppers
Businesswoman: You're awfully calm today. Did you take drugs?
--Midtown office
Heard in New York
Our beloved editor will give a talk 8pm this Wednesday, 12/8, about working with Harvey Pekar on Our Movie Year. It's in the basement of Lolita, corner of Broome and Allen on the LES. Our beloved publisher will be there as well; come by and say hi to the Overheard staff!
We Call It "Little Israel"
Guy: So you guys are Jewish?
Girl: Yeah, why?
Guy: Are you from Brooklyn? I live there now, and there are a lot of Jewish people there.
Girl: No, we're from Staten Island.
Guy: Oh. Are there a lot of Jewish people there?
--Finnerty's, Union Square area
Overheard by: Becka Dash
It Told Me to Kill My Neighbor
Man: ...I'm a real East Village type of guy. I mean, I have a bird that talks.
--East Village
...and I snuck in a brunch or two.
Brit Businessman: I hate having to eat. Because you eat and you just feel like a fattie.
Brit Businesswoman: I haven't eaten.
Brit Businessman: You haven't eaten?
Brit Businesswoman: Well, I had breakfast and then lunch.
--57th and Park
Overheard by: Heather
This Doesn't Sound Right...
Businessman: Maria, Maria, Maria. I eat like 5 times a day.
Maria: So how do you stay looking so good?
Businessman: I'm a vegetarian, so I have to eat all the time.
--Midtown office
Two Kinds of Dressing Down
Lowlife: I hate shopping.
Yuppie: You have to love it, because we really need to avoid this look.
--W. 8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Does That Make Hillary the Vampira?
Man: Yeah, I know, I'm still getting over it too. I just can't believe he won. I mean, Bush is the Ed Wood of politics.
--88th b. Lex & 3rd
Overheard by: Terence
"And what did you learn in school today, Billy?"
Teacher #1: …and I smoked weed, so my friends staged an intervention. They said, "We reeeally want you to stop smoking." And I was like, "All right, but you all have to try it once to see what it’s like." Well, twice, not just once, 'cause you don’t get high the first time.
Teacher #2: You get high the first time!
Teacher #1: Not everybody does.
Teacher #2: So you made your friends smoke weed?
Teacher #1: I didn’t make them smoke. It was a choice.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Kaitlen
A NY Story with a Midwest Conclusion
Hobo: Sorry to interrupt, but I'm starving. Please help me to get some candy and a soda.
Chick: How about a perfectly good pear? You know, if you're so hungry.
The hobo walks away angry and disgusted; 20 feet later he turns around to give her a dirty look.
Chick: Obviously you're not that hungry--and it's called pop!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: James Lin
Depends on What Your Definition of "Invented" Is
Businesswoman: It was almost like something I invented, although the restaurant did have that dish. But other restaurants didn't have it!
--Midtown office
Getting Served Left and Right
Teen subway dancer: Why you opening your mouth? No one's talking to you.
Kid subway dancer: That's why I got a mouth. So I can talk.
Teen subway dancer: I don't like nosey niggers.
Kid subway dancer: At least I don't sleep outside!
--D Train
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