Archive for May, 2005

Jesus Christ, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don’t have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, “Kev, it’s me, Jesus. I think you should have kids.” Then I would consider it. –46th & 6th Businesslady: So I says to her, “Girl, you’ve gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life.” –Downtown Brooklyn Overheard by: Joel Warden Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that. –Park Slope Overheard by: MissHell

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode. –The Gate, Park Slope A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese? –Broadway & 80th Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.” –27th street office JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate. –Starbucks, 48th & 3rd Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur. –D train Overheard by: Nash Astor

My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife. –B train Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen. –F train Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay! –63rd & 3rd Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e-mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e-mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e-mail me, e-mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.” –33rd & Park Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion. –Park Slope Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids? –55th & Madison Overheard by: Matt Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T-R-U-F-F. The Truth! –Atlantic Avenue gas station Overheard by: Megan Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here. –Newark airport Overheard by: jk

Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good. –Chambers Street station Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race! –G train Overheard by: J-Mo Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!” –Marquee, 10th & 26th Overheard by: Katie Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses. –190th Street station, rush hour Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit. –L train

Wednesday One-liners Need Anger Management

A car, stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck starts blowing its horn loudly and insistently. A nicely dressed lady shouts: Shut the fuck up, you moron! Haven’t you ever seen a garbage truck before? Fucking moron tourists. –W. 4th & Perry Bouncer: Next white boy lays hands on me, I’m gonna fuck him up. –West 3rd & MacDougal Overheard by: Todd Seavey Girl on cell: Yeah, well tell her I hope she gets a bladder infection! –Hot Bagels, Staten Island Overheard by: Renee Chef: As much as I like her, if she raises her voice at me one more time, I’m gonna fucking smack her. –Park Slope Old guy: Move, you drug addicted heathens! You’re all a bunch of sinners. Polluters! –50th & 6th Overheard by: Jeff Rigby Man on cell: Dude, why did we draw straws this morning?…Do you have any idea how much cat food costs?! That was my rent money!…Well, kick out the new guy! –Union Square Park A guy waiting to turn left across traffic leans out the window to scream at the clueless Ohio driver who is not moving in front of him: Hey Cleveland! That’s the only shade of green we got! –57th & Park Overheard by: Joan Quinn Chick on cell: Damn old ladies. Like, maybe Gandhi was wrong and the answer really is punching people in the face? –D’Agostino’s, 110th & Broadway Overheard by: djlindee

The Wednesday One-liners NYC Tour Guide

Black woman: This here is Chelsea. It’s where all the rich homosexuals live. –18th Street between 7th & 8th Teenage kid: There are some hot Chinese bitches at this stop, son! –Fulton Street G station Overheard by: Thomas Bugarin Woman: Well, I’m in Soho now… –Union Square Overheard by: Davis McDavis Queer: Oh, I went to Queens once. By accident. I was coming back from La Guardia and the taxi driver said he was taking me on a shortcut. –Starlight, Avenue A Overheard by: Lukas Thug: Next stop: Ghettoville, USA! That’s real America, none of this Japanese-American bullshit. Mmmm…smell that? Smells like the East Village! –A train Guy: This is the new Wall Street Times building. –41st & 8th construction site Man: See, that’s the one. If I was gonna write it a letter, I would begin, “Dear Ugliest Building in New York City”. –Westin Hotel, Times Square Overheard by: Kayla Cagan Guy on cell: Bond Street? It’s north of Houston Street so it’s not in Soho. But I don’t know what the neighborhood is called. –City Hall Park

Wednesday One-liners

Russian lady: She loves to travel. Like some people alcoholics? She
loves to travel. –Funayama, Greenwich Avenue Guy on cell: Hey Maria? It’s John…from Biology…Oh, you can’t talk? OK. I love you. Bye. –Washington Square Park Euro chick: No silly, American football is like a girly version of rugby, they have rules and pads. –66th & Lexington Man: Look at all these little bananas! I don’t want none a these. These little bananas are for ladies. –28th & Park fruit stand Woman: You think that the players look at their butts in the mirror to see what we see? –Yankee Stadium bleachers Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper