Archive for 2005

That’s So 4 Years Ago

Guy: I have to be careful about my bag; yesterday I put it down and then stepped to the side and some woman started yelling at me, saying, “You know, it’s 2005 now, I have no problem taking that bag and throwing it off the train.” And I was like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and she said, “I’m not, I’m protecting myself and the rest of the passengers.”
Woman: The terror alert has been elevated to Birkin. –Times Square shuttle

My Wife Was Murdered…Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You’ll figure it out when you move here…it’s like, I opened my first electic bill and said, “Wow, I really live in New York now!”
Guy #2: Right, it’s like when you’re killing someone with an axe, and you’re just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m murdering someone!” –E train Overheard by: Kid W Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die. –Hudson Street elevator Overheard by: Greg Rutter Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn’t that awesome? –Madison Square Park Overheard by: toon

Ironically, He Made It Into a Soapbox

Juilliard guy: Why does everyone at Juilliard have to be so deep? I mean, we’re in class and the professor puts a box in the middle of the room and everyone starts in, “Oh, that represents my soul!” or “Oh, that is the heavens opening up to take me in!” No man, that’s just a damn box! All that represents to me is a damn box. Everyone needs to get over themselves at this damn school… –Juilliard elevator

Jesus Christ, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don’t have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, “Kev, it’s me, Jesus. I think you should have kids.” Then I would consider it. –46th & 6th Businesslady: So I says to her, “Girl, you’ve gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life.” –Downtown Brooklyn Overheard by: Joel Warden Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that. –Park Slope Overheard by: MissHell

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode. –The Gate, Park Slope A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese? –Broadway & 80th Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.” –27th street office JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate. –Starbucks, 48th & 3rd Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur. –D train Overheard by: Nash Astor