Archive for 2005

Take 2 Shots of Headlines, Add One Old Man and Stir

Old Drunk: Did you hear about the guy that shot the judge in Atlanta? Well, they caught him. You know how? After he shot the judge, he ran over to Graceland, where Michael Jackson lives, and he shot Michael Jackson in the leg. That is why Michael Jackson is walking around in his pajamas all the time, because his leg hurts and he can’t get dressed. –N train Overheard by: AG

More Like Making Babies

Two women are waiting for the bathroom. Woman #1: They’ve been 20 minutes in there, all you need to do is rip down your underwear and you’re done, it’s not difficult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, having babies in there? –Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue

But at Least It’ll Be a Quick End!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to backups on the F, this train is going to make express stops only at Delancey Street all the way to Brooklyn. Passengers who would like to get off at 2nd Avenue and East Broadway please get off the train and take the next train right behind us.
Sephora shopping bags woman: Right behind us, my ass! We’re all gonna die! –F train Overheard by: Alex Wipf

Shamrock Day: the Aftermath

Short guy: You owe me money.
Hefty guy: I don’t owe you shit, Goldilocks! Don’t make me fucking slap you.
Short guy: I thought it was Erin Go Bragh, not Erin Go Fuck You Up. –N train Drunk Irish guy #1: So what are you ladies doing after this?
Drunk Irish girl #1: More bar hopping.
Drunk Irish guy #2: So you ladies into having some fun tonight?
Drunk Irish girl #2: What do you mean?
Drunk Irish guy #2: We could have one big drunken orgy.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Are you kidding me? Go blow out your ass, stupid.
Drunk Irish guy #2: OK, how about I feel those big tits?
Drunk Irish girl #1: You are an idiot.
Drunk Irish guy #2: Fuck you, you fat bitch. The guys walk away. Drunk Irish girl #3: Why did you have to say that for?
Drunk Irish girl #2: He was being a jerk.
Drunk Irish girl #3: But they are cute.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Yeah, you right. –44th & 8th Overheard by: kendra Sort of drunk guy: You’re getting more beer? You can barely walk.
Really drunk guy: That’s no reason to stop drinking. –Saint Mark’s Place & 3rd Ave.

Today’s Special: Passive Aggression

Waiter #1: Sit anywhere you’d like.
Guy: Thanks. Waiter #2 diverts him to a small table in an occupied section. Guy: So by “anywhere you’d like” you guys meant this exact table.
Waiter #2: Thank you. –Clark’s, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: TG

“…or give him the back door. Then he’ll forgive anything.”

Girl #1: I feel like shit. I shouldn’t have slept with that guy.
Girl #2: So what kind of sweater are we looking for?
Girl #1: Anything nice that proves how much I love him.
Girl #2: You should get him a white sweater. White is the color of remorse, I think.
Girl #1: But then he’ll understand I cheated on him. He might actually be suspicious already if I buy him a present without an apparent reason.
Girl #2: Just make him dinner then. –Banana Republic, 5th Ave.

The Homeless: Like the Circus, But Free!

Hobo #1: Check this out. He spits something across the car. Hobo #2: What was that?
Hobo #1: Tooth.
Hobo #2: Nice, nice. –F train A junkie hobo walks directly into the store’s window, almost breaking his nose. Seeing this, his homeless buddy responds, rather outraged: Again?! –Dunkin Donuts, 23rd St. between Broadway & Park Overheard by: Astrid Vanderpool