Archive for 2005

If My Heart Made Blood I Wouldn’t Need to Buy Puppies

Store guy: You know, I used to smoke 2-3 packs a day. It’s really not good for you.
Dude: Are you gonna give me a discount on Nicorette, then?
Store guy: We don’t have it…but you don’t need that stuff anyway. It doesn’t work. All you really need is your– He taps his hand on his chest. Dude: If my heart made nicotine I wouldn’t need to buy cigarettes. –Duane Reade, 49th & 9th Overheard by: Katie

That One Guest Seems to Live in the Mirror

Suit #1: So where are you going on vacation?
Suit #2: St. Bart’s.
Suit #1: Are you staying in a house or at a hotel?
Suit #2: A house. God, I hate hotels. Inevitably there will be one guest that irritates me; I’ll see him around at lunch or something. Then I’ll obsess about it, all vacation long.
Suit #1: Yeah. –Landmark Gourmet, Pearl Street Overheard by: freshie

Plus, The Bird Insisted There Was a Snuffleupagus

Dude #1: Fuckin’ Nate, man…
Dude #2: Yeah, fuckin’ Nate.
Dude #1: I mean, the time he beat up that bird is just like the time he bludgeoned that snake.
Dude #2: To be fair, if you were drunk on tequila at your 40th birthday party, you’d beat up a bird too.
Dude #1: Yeah, I guess so. –Columbia University Psych Lab