Yuppie chick: Remember when I showed you that e-mail and it was like one big nervous laugh? He was talking like that, a mile a minute, and I asked, “Are you supercaffeinated?” “No,” he said, he gave up coffee. And he’s like, “So, what are you doing?” And he invited me out to MoMA with Sara, his girlfriend. How awkward would I be? So I basically bailed at that point. So he’s like, “The next time we’re in the city is the 29th for the opera.” –D train
Fashion girl: Do you want to go to a talk about The Gates next week?
Fashion guy: Sure, some of my best friends are gates. –F train
Cashier: Do you want anything on it?
Cashier: Do you want anything on your hot dog?
Cashier: What would you like?
Buyer: Nothing. –Papaya’s, 86th & 3rd
Woman on phone: Um, like, there are no one-legged dancers. But there are deaf dancers! You could be one! –66th & Broadway
Subway comic: Ladies, special today is used pregnancy tests. I’ve got negative and positive. Gentlemen, you won’t need to go on Maury. I got Viagra Snickers bars, straight from the nursing home. And for all you people who lift weights, this just in: Barry Bonds’ used steroid needles. I’m here for one reason and one reason only, so dig deep in your wallet and pocketbook…Wooh! I got a dollar! I can buy a superbubble and some chips! For every $5 or $10 you give me, it takes me one step closer to college. For every $100 or $200 you give me, I won’t need college. My name is Crazy Jay! Look for me, and thanks for being nosey! –D train
Strand cashier: It’s like that when I go downstairs. I get all creeped out. It’s like, “Wait a minute! Why do I feel like the new guy? I’ve been here a year and a half!” –The Strand
Smart teen girl: How come when people lose something they say, “I found it in the last place I looked.”? I mean, of course once they find it they’re gonna stop looking for it. –LaGuardia baggage claim
Woman: That Chinese food was so cheap.
Man #1: That’s because it was either dog or koala meat.
Man #2: Aren’t koalas endangered?
Man #1: No, they’re not endangered. They’re just starving. –Downtown elevator
Hipster girl: So, I was thinking, wouldn’t it be great if you could just eat yourself? You would never gain any weight. Actually, you would lose weight like crazy because it would be the best of both worlds: you wouldn’t be consuming any calories, and your metabolism wouldn’t slow down like it does when you just don’t eat.
Guy: Um, are you serious?
Hipster girl: Yeah, I mean, it would be awesome! Think about it: I mean, how great would it be if I could just start gnawing the fat straight off my leg right now? Like, “Mmm, leg.” You know? And it would be, like, totally calorie-free!
Guy: Um, not really? That’s kind of gross and cannibalistic.
Hipster girl: Whatever. One day I’m gonna publish a book on this shit and have, like, a cult following, and then you’ll be sorry you didn’t think it was a good idea. –N train