Archive for 2005

Our City is Better Than Yours, and Here’s Why

Subway comic: Ladies, special today is used pregnancy tests. I’ve got negative and positive. Gentlemen, you won’t need to go on Maury. I got Viagra Snickers bars, straight from the nursing home. And for all you people who lift weights, this just in: Barry Bonds’ used steroid needles. I’m here for one reason and one reason only, so dig deep in your wallet and pocketbook…Wooh! I got a dollar! I can buy a superbubble and some chips! For every $5 or $10 you give me, it takes me one step closer to college. For every $100 or $200 you give me, I won’t need college. My name is Crazy Jay! Look for me, and thanks for being nosey! –D train

It Takes a Village to Braise a Child

Hipster girl: So, I was thinking, wouldn’t it be great if you could just eat yourself? You would never gain any weight. Actually, you would lose weight like crazy because it would be the best of both worlds: you wouldn’t be consuming any calories, and your metabolism wouldn’t slow down like it does when you just don’t eat.
Guy: Um, are you serious?
Hipster girl: Yeah, I mean, it would be awesome! Think about it: I mean, how great would it be if I could just start gnawing the fat straight off my leg right now? Like, “Mmm, leg.” You know? And it would be, like, totally calorie-free!
Guy: Um, not really? That’s kind of gross and cannibalistic.
Hipster girl: Whatever. One day I’m gonna publish a book on this shit and have, like, a cult following, and then you’ll be sorry you didn’t think it was a good idea. –N train