Archive for 2005

Shalom, Wednesday One-liners

Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz. –F train Overheard by: bluesdog Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don’t know. I have to consider it. I’m not super Jewish and he’s not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews. –Union Square Lady: I just don’t get smoking, or people who smoke…smoking and bacon; I don’t get it. –UWS elevator Overheard by: Susan Volchok


Build a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners

Woman: Every time I date Greek men I get fat…Every single time! –South Cove, Battery Park City Guy on cell: I know man, sometimes I wish you were her husband instead of me. –Starbucks, Union Square West Overheard by: alison Chick on cell: …so I said, “Stop calling me. It was a one night stand.” –F train Black queer: So who is this guy, anyway? Has anybody even met this guy you say you’re dating? Or is he like that “Bob” guy you put in your car so you can drive in the H.O.V. lane? –Times Square Guy: She has…two one-eyed cats. She’s never getting engaged. –Madison Square Park


Even a Penny Helps, Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: She’s fine, I’d fuck her…her too. And that one. And….ooh, not her, you can have that one. –Madison Square Park Old hobo: Who the fuck said black people are dangerous? The next person I hear say that I am throwing in the next dumpster! –40th & 8th Hobo: People, if you do not have a useable skill and/or a good pussy, you do not get that train ticket home! –Times Square


Wednesday One-liners, For Chrissakes

Crazy lady: I spent two years single, and then I met Jesus. And Jesus and I have been together for four years. And Jesus never forgets to call and check in once in awhile. He says, “Hey, how you doin’?”. –Sunnyside Overheard by: Mikey Guy: He was into wearing slippers without socks. Like Jesus. –Union Square station Subway preacher: Jay Z ain’t gonna save ya! Jesus’ll save ya! –West 4th Street station


You’re Dreaming If You Think They’re Interesting

Chick #1: One of my friend’s moms has unholy thoughts about Charlie Rose.
Chick #2: One of my friends has dreams about having sex with her family’s minivan. And not humping the side of it, either. We’re talking full on, riding the stick-shift sex. Hmmm.
Chick #1: We run with an interesting crowd. –1 train Overheard by: Djlindee


Notes from the New York Underground

The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other. Hobo: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter? He sprays the windex. Hobo: Or Spring? He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube. Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct. –F train Overheard by: Pete Johnson


Some Judge Judy Will Take Care of That

Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Girl: Interesting…
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating. –Houston & Norfolk Overheard by: David Byrne


Straggling Home (A NYC Short Story)

Drunk: Miss, do you think I could sit next to you for a moment, just a moment, and you could smell me and tell me whether I smell like I’ve been drinking?
Girl: No.
Drunk: Why not?
Girl: Because I don’t want to have to smell anyone.
Drunk: Well fuck you too. –168th Street station


I’m Concerned in General

Spanish dude: Yeah, she left me a message and it was like, “Oh, I see you ain’t answering your phone and shit ’cause you doin’ what you do…but that’s ai’ight, I’m a do me.” So I called her, I was like, “What you doin’ you? Matta fact, did you do you already? You gon’ go out and fuck somebody else because I couldn’t pick up my phone?”. And she was like, “Nah, nooo, I didn’t mean it, I was just mad. And then you got that other bitch.” I said, “I’m not concerned about that bitch, I’m concerned about this bitch.” –A train


An Inside Joke for New Yorkers

Tourist dad: Well, I guess this is Chinatown.
Tourist mom: I thought it would be bigger.
Tourist dad: Me too. –32nd & 5th Overheard by: Justin