Archive for 2005

John Bolton Seems to Have Lost His Bearings

Tourist guy: Yo, where’s the main road around here?
NY guy: Huh? Main road?
Tourist guy: Yeah, you know, the main drag. I don’t know where the fuck I am, so I figure I’ll find the main road and go from there.
NY guy: Well, where are you trying to go?
Tourist guy: Just the main fucking road, man. Where’s that?
NY guy: This is New York. They’re pretty much all main roads. I mean, look at the traffic.
Tourist guy: They can’t all be main roads.
NY guy: OK. What about Broadway?
Tourist guy: I was just on Broadway. There’s nothing there. Where’s Times Square?
NY guy: It’s right on Broadway.
Tourist guy: No, it’s not, dude! I was just there and there’s nothing there!
NY guy: OK, look. You wanna get to Times Square?
Tourist guy: At least that would be something.
NY guy: Fine. Turn around and walk back to Broadway–
Tourist guy: I don’t want to go on Broadway! What’s over there?
NY guy: The East River. The U.N.
Tourist guy: Fuck that. –38th & 5th

Back to School, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: I want to go to FIT so I can hook up with girls. –27th & 7th Girl: I mean, I got shat on at Harvard. –9th Street & 2nd Avenue Overheard by: Kamran Javadizadeh Woman: Is there a special event going on at Columbia this summer? Because I’ve seen a lot of Asians around. –116th & Broadway Overheard by: Carrie Hipster girl: I mean, I’ve got like, over 160 facebook friends. Does that not mean anything? –56th & 6th Overheard by: Joyce Shen Sociology professor: No one knows what the hell Derrida is talking about, but we all pretend we do anyway. –Columbia Overheard by: djlindee

Call Me on My Mobile, Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: I can barely hear you. It’s like your phone is on mute, only not quite. –Astoria Suit on cell: I don’t know! I don’t know! All I’m saying is, you better get a lawyer and it sure as hell isn’t going to be me! –14th & Broadway Punk dude on cell: Fuck you, fuck you!…call me when you are high or nice, until then fuck you! –Dunkin’ Donuts, 42nd & Vanderbilt Girl on cell phone: Like, I’m the one who invited Fran Tarkenton over in the first place! –53rd & 8th Overheard by: Tyler Bryce Indian chick on cell: You’re like the diamond in a haystack I’ve been looking for! –23rd & 3rd

Good Evening, Wednesday One-liners and Gentlemen

Hobo: I take EZ-Pass too. –96th & CPW Hobo: Can you spare some change? Or a pineapple? –4th Avenue & 8th Street Hobo: Can you spare a dollar for a cup of coffee? How about an iced cappuccino? –Madison & 62nd Hobo: We been waiting for this train since May 5, 1987. –86th Street B/C station Hobo: Miss, miss, can you spare some change? Sir, sir? Ma’am?…You! You’ll speak when you’re spoken to! –49th & 8th

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is more than one door on this train. In fact there are 30 of them. Please feel free to use the other 29. –1 train Overheard by: Traveler Bill Conductor: Canal Street next after this brief musical interlude. –R train Overheard by: Mark Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re stuck at this station because I have to get permission from Queensboro before we can leave and they’re not answering the phone. I think they all went home to get some sleep. –N train Overheard by: SP Conductor: You have to get on the train when the doors are open. Thank you! –MetroNorth train Overheard by: alyssa Man: Passengers, do not keep quiet if you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. If you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney attempt to get them impeached. This has been a MTA announcement. –6 train Overheard by: Sarah Conductor: Attention passengers, there is a train directly behind this one…ten degrees cooler. –6 train Conductor: This is Borough Hall, home of Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz, also known as Mr. Brooklyn. On behalf of your borough president, and your conductor, welcome to Brooklyn: a nice place to visit, a great place to live! –F train

There’s Wednesday One-liners All Over Town

FishBowlNY chick: Not only do you blog about everything, you blog in five different blogs about everything. –Slainte, The Bowery Hipster guy: Everyone keeps asking me why I’m sad, and I’m like, “I’m not sad, I’m from New York.” –St. Mark’s between 1st & A Overheard by: Danny G. Woman: I have some friends, and they lived in Brooklyn all they lives, and they ain’t ever been to Kings Plaza Shopping Mall. They so limited! –5 train Tourist woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where the big apple is? –43rd & Broadway Overheard by: katie cunningham Woman: What I love most about New York is that wherever you go, in every neighborhood, there’s garbage on the curb. To me, that’s democracy. –University & 11th Lady: You never see girls wearing shorts in New York City unless they’re tourists. –57th & Broadway Guy on cell: Well I’m sorry, Princess, if New York doesn’t smell like a bed of roses! –Church & Worth Overheard by: Becka Dash NY Post guy: This boat is bootlegged! It won’t turn left! –Penn Station NY Post guy: Read all about it! Discovery shuttle is a bootleg…doesn’t work…can’t turn left. Read all about it! –Penn Station Overheard (correctly) by: Toon

Wednesday One-liners (As Seen on Cops)

Girl: …I mean, I don’t care. As long as he doesn’t hit her in my house! –Park Slope Overheard by: Errin D. Drunk thug: Yo, fuck Lil’ Bow Wow! If I get the chance I’ll cut that nigga…with my MetroCard! And then I’ll swipe him through. –Last Exit, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: Mr. Brojangles Jewess: If Miriam acts that way again to me, I am going to slap her pussy bald. –86th & 2nd Overheard by: Caroline Kelley Man: Just you watch, she’s gonna cut him! –3 train Man: I don’t know, he only dates guys in jail. –33rd & Madison Overheard by: Missy Gartner Black kid: They’re going to get me for conspiracy! That’s what they did to my brother! He’s spending 8 years in jail for conspiracy…firearms…half an ounce of cocaine…crack cocaine. –B train Overheard by: Samantha G

Enormous Changes for Wednesday One-liners

Woman: I would bedazzle the shit out of that shirt. –53rd & 9th Girl: So, he said he was thinking about getting LASIK, and I told him that if he wants to have surgery he has to start with a nosejob. –Times Square Man on cell: Yeah man, I promised for her birthday I’d take her to the best doctor in town. She really needs to have this done. Where did you take yours when she had fleas? –57th & Broadway Girl on cell: Oh, I don’t know, the last time I saw you your lips didn’t look that overinflated. –Washington Square dog run Overheard by: boswell