Archive for 2005

How Not to Hook Up in NYC

Chick: I don’t get Spanish guys. They compliment you every time you pass them. They always say things like, “You have beautiful legs, in my country it is an honor for a woman to be told she has beautiful legs”. Well, you’re in NY now, honey, and I’m a bitch! –5th Ave. & 82nd St. Player: Excuse me miss, you’re even better looking than J. Lo. Can I have your autograph? –Fulton Street mall Hobo: Hey, you a pretty lady. You married?…I got food stamps! –Astoria Overheard by: mj

The ACLU Filed Suit Moments After

Conductor: Look, people. Okay. When we say “stay clear of the closing doors”, that means don’t push a closing door back open. Don’t stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don’t hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn’t rocket science. God, it’s not even high school science. –1/9 train

Wednesday One-liners are Criminal

Homeboy: I don’t discriminate. If anyone messes with my family, or my kids, I’m taking their life. –Bx21 bus Overheard by: Fiona Chick on cell: I don’t know…I think I’m in Queens. The train’s above ground…I lost my keys and I have to be at work in 45 minutes. I’ll guess I’ll go in the same clothes…I don’t know what he does. I think something at night, though. I took his money. –7 train Girl on cell: That’s very nice to diagnose yourself like that but, really, fuck you…I still think you’re, like, a sociopath or something. –6th Ave. between 50th & 51st

Develop a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners

Woman: I’m so sick of boyfriends. I want to be single forever. Fingers and vibrators are it! –43rd St. & 10th Ave. Overheard by: Jenn X Girl on cell: I’m telling you, the MTA is like a bad boyfriend. You’re all dressed up and ready to go and the fucking train doesn’t even show up! And the worst part is the next time you totally show up again, ready to go and just have to hope to God that the stupid train shows up. What the hell is that? –45th & 8th Black girl: It felt like I was losing my virginity all over again. That was some King Kong kind of shit. –E train Overheard by: Philip

Wednesday One-liners Mean Business

Asian yuppie: I think Victoria’s Secret is turning into the new McDonald’s. –18th & 6th Guy: Oh man, Gristedes can suck me off! –Whole Foods, Union Square Chick on cell: She just got this amazing job where she can live anywhere she wants in the Midwest! –Prince & Broadway Lady: You don’t have plastic bags? This is New York! –Chipotle, E. 8th Street

Racialist Wednesday One-liners

Chick on cell: You know what’s weird? You’re a nigger but in pictures you look like a white boy. Why is that? –F train Overheard by: Julie Black guy on cell: They black people down there! I’m from New York, I don’t know nothing about black people! –Boerum Hill bodega A Black man with a cane approaches a white girl sitting on steps and says: Have you ever, since the day you were born till the minute you woke up this morning, desired a black man? –18th & 8th Girl: I don’t want to be racist. I mean, not out loud. –Broadway & Houston Cashier: I am so sick of Destiny’s Child! –Virgin Megastore, Union Square

Dreaming of Wednesday One-liners

Contractor on cell: Uncle Monty left his nightmares at home last night. –Park Slope Girl on cell: …since we lived underwater we were seapeople, and we were a lot like seahorses, and you were pregnant because, you know, male seahorses carry the baby. And then we had to go on land for you to have the baby… –Hunter College cafeteria Woman on cell: I’m telling you, this guy is the man of my dreams. The only thing that could go wrong at this point is if he turns out to be, like, 4’11” or something. –Prospect Heights (cf. this entry.)

Backdoor Wednesday One-liners

Drunk: If God didn’t want us to be gay, He wouldn’t have put our g-spot all the way up our ass! –3rd Ave. between 11th & 12th Overheard by: Zack Fratboy: So if I tell her I wanna put my tongue up her ass, you think she’ll relate to me? –1st Ave. & 10th St. Overheard by: Sarah T. Fiancee: OK, fine. You can have strippers at your bachelor party. But if I hear you stuck your dick in some nasty hooker’s ass, I’m never sucking it again. –Port Authority Overheard by: Mad William Flint Woman: Yeah, whatever, Mr. Doesn’t-Know-What-a-Suppository-Is! –The Angelica, Houston Street Goombah: Nah, nah, nah…I’d suck a guy’s dick balls deep, but I would never eat a man’s ass. That’s just gay. –Williamsburg

Wednesday One-liners for Dad’s Wife

Guy on cell: You’ve got the best job: being a mom. –42nd between 6th & Madison Woman: …maybe because I got my period in the 4th grade and looked like everybody’s mother by the 6th grade. I was huge. –27th street office Mom: Now, this is not the Louvre, so don’t be jaded or anything. –Brooklyn Museum Overheard by: Cat Pop Drunk: If a woman hadda right to choose where I come from, I wouldn’t be here today! –Odessa Cafe, Avenue A Overheard by: Ted Lattis Chick: I saw my mother on stage in underwear and a bra with motorized tassels… –13th & 5th Overheard by: Caroline Norris