Archive for 2005

M&M’s Have Some Effect, Fattie

Fat guy #1: She’s blonde…really tall…
Fat guy #2: Who is she?
Fat guy #1: The nanny. But I think she does drugs.
Fat guy #2: Oh yeah? How do you know? Dilated pupils?
Fat guy #1: Yep. But I don’t think she does it a lot. Just on the weekends.
Fat guy #2: Well, if you start taking ’em more than that it’s like eating M&M’s: no effect!
Fat guy #1: Heh, heh.
Fat guy #2: You know, it’s like a toilet. You gotta let the water build up again before you can flush it. –7 train Overheard by: Marissa Rich

Who’s. Your. Mommy.

Woman: …he’s been practicing for weeks and weeks and weeks, maybe months. We’re going to stay for an hour, and when we leave–and during the whole show–we have to be very, very quiet. Like a mouse. OK?
Girl: Yes, Eliza.
Woman: What’s my name?
Girl: Eliza.
Woman: And what’s my other name, my special name just for you?…Mommy, OK? My name is Mommy. –M7 bus

Wednesday One-liners Are Smokin’

Guy on cell: Dude, I’m looking in a mirror right now, and I’m really hot. Seriously though, do you think I’m really hot or just average?…But you haven’t seen me since I got rid of my hair… –North Six, Williamsburg Drunk guy: Yeah, she’s a model. Anybody that pretty has a 6 pound dog, she’s a model. –Chelsea Piers Overheard by: Diane Chick on cell: I don’t know if it’s his complete lack of direction in life or his total depression, but I find him like soooo freaking hot. –110th & Broadway Overheard by: djlindee

Enjoy Your Visit, Wednesday One-liners

Midwestern mom: Oh my word, that mannequin has nipples! –Saks Fifth Avenue Girl: Whoa, that building is tall! –Empire State Building Southern lady on cell: New York City, New York…Yes, I’d like the listing for Starbucks…You mean there’s more than one? –Times Square Woman on cell: They have strange stores here. She made me come to this place called Archaeology. –Anthropologie, 5th Avenue Overheard by: rehey11 Tourist chick: OK, this is 14th Avenue, we are only three stops away, we should prepare to get out. OK, everybody stand up and get to the doors right now! –E train Overheard by: Ting

Wednesday One-liners Stand Behind the White Line

Black man: What is that, a raincoat? You should hang onto that. You never know when it might come back into style. –M15 bus Overheard by: Palaverist Driver: Step allll the way in the back please! All the way in the back! There’s some cheese and crackers there. –M42 bus Overheard by: Vas Sloutchevsky Puerto Rican chick: That mothafucka’s crazy. I ain’t puttin’ that in my butt. –B46 bus Overheard by: Jennifer Hess

Taste the Rainbow of Wednesday One-liners

Black kid: He don’t know if he’s a fag, man. He’s at that time, you know, your body’s changing.

–Chambers Street station

Twink: Why does every gay bar smell the same?

–Urge, 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Scott Anderson

Lesbian: Then I had an epiphany: I realized I had a mullet. And I started to cry.

–17th & 6th

Dramasexual: Do you want to come up to my place and “ease on down the road”?

–1/9 train

Queer: Oh my gawd that dawg looks just like my Janet (I named her after Janet Jackson, god bless her). My dawg’s name was Janet, my cat’s name was Janet, Janet Janet Janet! And the cat was a boy, too.

–Union Square dog run

Overheard by: Lisa G.

Now Soliciting Wednesday One-liners

Newspaper vendor: Come on, people! Buy this right-wing rag! Buy it! –41st & 6th Overheard by: M. Hutchinson Shop owner: Come inside! Come on our floors! Come everywhere! –Canal Street store Overheard by: Casey D. Guy on cell: I’m just out here trying to sell comedy club tickets to upper middle class White people. What are you doing? –Broadway & 46th Flyer guy: Eyebrow threading! Eyebrow threading! That’s right, mo more crooked-ass eyebrows! –35th & 7th Overheard by: Johnny Peppas

Say What, Wednesday One-liners?

Softball coach: Who’s not here? Who’s ever not here, raise your hand! –Prospect Park Overheard by: Andrea Woman: Some people are idea people but don’t do anything about it, and some people are executioners. –2/3 train Hippie: Yeah, it sucks, he needs a quintuplet bypass! –Red Hook post office Overheard by: Mia Mylet Girl: Well, I’m taking Portuguese this semester, ’cause it’s a requirement to be an accountant. –NYU Bobst Library Overheard by: Greg

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: The way this train is moving you’d be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown. –F train Overheard by: Matt Chick: Everybody at work lives in Park Slope. They have nicknames for the subway: N stands for Never, R stands for Rarely, and W for Whatever. –Forbes Magazine gym, 5th Avenue Conductor: There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don’t pee on the seats people. –Metro-North train Overheard by: Susie P Conductor: This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St…by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick. –F train Overheard by: RMC