Archive for 2005

Better Check for That Foreskin

Man: …and he might give us that cat he was talking about.
Wife: We are not getting a cat.
Man: But you’d love this cat! It has such a great personality!
Wife: Alan, stop the sales pitch, we’re not getting a cat, we’re not getting a dog–
Man: This cat even looks a little like you, it’s got your complexion and everything!
Wife: I thought you said it was a Jewish cat! I thought you said it was a Jewish cat! –Port Authority

Tastes Nothing Like Chicken

Black guy #1: How’d you know the tornado was by your house?
Black guy #2: ‘Cause I walked out back and the tree was blowing like a fuck. Then I walked out front and the wind wasn’t even blowing.
Black guy #1: Damn, cuz. But anyway, since you’re from the country, how do I get these pigeons to go away?
Black guy #2: With a hot grill. –Astoria Overheard by: Dj wan-two

M&M’s Have Some Effect, Fattie

Fat guy #1: She’s blonde…really tall…
Fat guy #2: Who is she?
Fat guy #1: The nanny. But I think she does drugs.
Fat guy #2: Oh yeah? How do you know? Dilated pupils?
Fat guy #1: Yep. But I don’t think she does it a lot. Just on the weekends.
Fat guy #2: Well, if you start taking ‘em more than that it’s like eating M&M’s: no effect!
Fat guy #1: Heh, heh.
Fat guy #2: You know, it’s like a toilet. You gotta let the water build up again before you can flush it. –7 train Overheard by: Marissa Rich

Who’s. Your. Mommy.

Woman: …he’s been practicing for weeks and weeks and weeks, maybe months. We’re going to stay for an hour, and when we leave–and during the whole show–we have to be very, very quiet. Like a mouse. OK?
Girl: Yes, Eliza.
Woman: What’s my name?
Girl: Eliza.
Woman: And what’s my other name, my special name just for you?…Mommy, OK? My name is Mommy. –M7 bus

Wednesday One-liners Are Smokin’

Guy on cell: Dude, I’m looking in a mirror right now, and I’m really hot. Seriously though, do you think I’m really hot or just average?…But you haven’t seen me since I got rid of my hair… –North Six, Williamsburg Drunk guy: Yeah, she’s a model. Anybody that pretty has a 6 pound dog, she’s a model. –Chelsea Piers Overheard by: Diane Chick on cell: I don’t know if it’s his complete lack of direction in life or his total depression, but I find him like soooo freaking hot. –110th & Broadway Overheard by: djlindee

Enjoy Your Visit, Wednesday One-liners

Midwestern mom: Oh my word, that mannequin has nipples! –Saks Fifth Avenue Girl: Whoa, that building is tall! –Empire State Building Southern lady on cell: New York City, New York…Yes, I’d like the listing for Starbucks…You mean there’s more than one? –Times Square Woman on cell: They have strange stores here. She made me come to this place called Archaeology. –Anthropologie, 5th Avenue Overheard by: rehey11 Tourist chick: OK, this is 14th Avenue, we are only three stops away, we should prepare to get out. OK, everybody stand up and get to the doors right now! –E train Overheard by: Ting

Wednesday One-liners Stand Behind the White Line

Black man: What is that, a raincoat? You should hang onto that. You never know when it might come back into style. –M15 bus Overheard by: Palaverist Driver: Step allll the way in the back please! All the way in the back! There’s some cheese and crackers there. –M42 bus Overheard by: Vas Sloutchevsky Puerto Rican chick: That mothafucka’s crazy. I ain’t puttin’ that in my butt. –B46 bus Overheard by: Jennifer Hess