Archive for 2005

My Wife Was Murdered…Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You’ll figure it out when you move here…it’s like, I opened my first electic bill and said, “Wow, I really live in New York now!”
Guy #2: Right, it’s like when you’re killing someone with an axe, and you’re just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m murdering someone!” –E train Overheard by: Kid W Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die. –Hudson Street elevator Overheard by: Greg Rutter Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn’t that awesome? –Madison Square Park Overheard by: toon

Ironically, He Made It Into a Soapbox

Juilliard guy: Why does everyone at Juilliard have to be so deep? I mean, we’re in class and the professor puts a box in the middle of the room and everyone starts in, “Oh, that represents my soul!” or “Oh, that is the heavens opening up to take me in!” No man, that’s just a damn box! All that represents to me is a damn box. Everyone needs to get over themselves at this damn school… –Juilliard elevator

Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice

Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I’m homeless! I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no food, I’m hungry! I ain’t got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what’s your problem?
Guy: I’m in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that’s rough. –Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn

Jesus Christ, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don’t have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, “Kev, it’s me, Jesus. I think you should have kids.” Then I would consider it. –46th & 6th Businesslady: So I says to her, “Girl, you’ve gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life.” –Downtown Brooklyn Overheard by: Joel Warden Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that. –Park Slope Overheard by: MissHell

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once. –Boerum Hill Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia… –19th between 5th & 6th Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?” –NYU Brittany Hall elevator Overheard by: Andrei Alupului Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department… –H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th Overheard by: Sophia Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised. –Juilliard cafeteria Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…” –Union Pool, Williamsburg Overheard by: Joe Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont… –N train Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home! –13th & 4th