Archive for 2005

You Forgot the Part Where You Add All the Cream

Teen girl: Michael Jackson paid that white woman to have his kids, ’cause he wants his kids to be white.
Teen boy: Michael Jackson never gonna have white kids. It’s like if you got a glass of Ovaltine, and you put water in it, and you just keep on adding water, what do you get? Very dilute Ovaltine. –F train Overheard by: Jesse Soodalter

My Wife Was Murdered…Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You’ll figure it out when you move here…it’s like, I opened my first electic bill and said, “Wow, I really live in New York now!”
Guy #2: Right, it’s like when you’re killing someone with an axe, and you’re just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m murdering someone!” –E train Overheard by: Kid W Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die. –Hudson Street elevator Overheard by: Greg Rutter Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn’t that awesome? –Madison Square Park Overheard by: toon

Ironically, He Made It Into a Soapbox

Juilliard guy: Why does everyone at Juilliard have to be so deep? I mean, we’re in class and the professor puts a box in the middle of the room and everyone starts in, “Oh, that represents my soul!” or “Oh, that is the heavens opening up to take me in!” No man, that’s just a damn box! All that represents to me is a damn box. Everyone needs to get over themselves at this damn school… –Juilliard elevator

Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice

Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I’m homeless! I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no food, I’m hungry! I ain’t got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what’s your problem?
Guy: I’m in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that’s rough. –Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn

Jesus Christ, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don’t have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, “Kev, it’s me, Jesus. I think you should have kids.” Then I would consider it. –46th & 6th Businesslady: So I says to her, “Girl, you’ve gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life.” –Downtown Brooklyn Overheard by: Joel Warden Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that. –Park Slope Overheard by: MissHell