Archive for 2005

Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice

Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I’m homeless! I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no food, I’m hungry! I ain’t got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what’s your problem?
Guy: I’m in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that’s rough. –Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn

Jesus Christ, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don’t have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, “Kev, it’s me, Jesus. I think you should have kids.” Then I would consider it. –46th & 6th Businesslady: So I says to her, “Girl, you’ve gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life.” –Downtown Brooklyn Overheard by: Joel Warden Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that. –Park Slope Overheard by: MissHell

Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya! –F train Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too! –27th street office Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy. –Bedford Avenue station Overheard by: Greg Rutter Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week. –54th & 11th Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me. –World Financial Center Overheard by: Dr. Ballon Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans! –Union Square Overheard by: Kaitlen Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me. –46th & 8th Overheard by: ballpeen hammer Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot! –Lexington & 23rd Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! –19th between 7th & 8th

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode. –The Gate, Park Slope A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese? –Broadway & 80th Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.” –27th street office JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate. –Starbucks, 48th & 3rd Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur. –D train Overheard by: Nash Astor

My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife. –B train Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen. –F train Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay! –63rd & 3rd Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e-mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e-mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e-mail me, e-mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.” –33rd & Park Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion. –Park Slope Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids? –55th & Madison Overheard by: Matt Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T-R-U-F-F. The Truth! –Atlantic Avenue gas station Overheard by: Megan Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here. –Newark airport Overheard by: jk

Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good. –Chambers Street station Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race! –G train Overheard by: J-Mo Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!” –Marquee, 10th & 26th Overheard by: Katie Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses. –190th Street station, rush hour Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit. –L train

Wednesday One-liners Need Anger Management

A car, stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck starts blowing its horn loudly and insistently. A nicely dressed lady shouts: Shut the fuck up, you moron! Haven’t you ever seen a garbage truck before? Fucking moron tourists. –W. 4th & Perry Bouncer: Next white boy lays hands on me, I’m gonna fuck him up. –West 3rd & MacDougal Overheard by: Todd Seavey Girl on cell: Yeah, well tell her I hope she gets a bladder infection! –Hot Bagels, Staten Island Overheard by: Renee Chef: As much as I like her, if she raises her voice at me one more time, I’m gonna fucking smack her. –Park Slope Old guy: Move, you drug addicted heathens! You’re all a bunch of sinners. Polluters! –50th & 6th Overheard by: Jeff Rigby Man on cell: Dude, why did we draw straws this morning?…Do you have any idea how much cat food costs?! That was my rent money!…Well, kick out the new guy! –Union Square Park A guy waiting to turn left across traffic leans out the window to scream at the clueless Ohio driver who is not moving in front of him: Hey Cleveland! That’s the only shade of green we got! –57th & Park Overheard by: Joan Quinn Chick on cell: Damn old ladies. Like, maybe Gandhi was wrong and the answer really is punching people in the face? –D’Agostino’s, 110th & Broadway Overheard by: djlindee

The Wednesday One-liners NYC Tour Guide

Black woman: This here is Chelsea. It’s where all the rich homosexuals live. –18th Street between 7th & 8th Teenage kid: There are some hot Chinese bitches at this stop, son! –Fulton Street G station Overheard by: Thomas Bugarin Woman: Well, I’m in Soho now… –Union Square Overheard by: Davis McDavis Queer: Oh, I went to Queens once. By accident. I was coming back from La Guardia and the taxi driver said he was taking me on a shortcut. –Starlight, Avenue A Overheard by: Lukas Thug: Next stop: Ghettoville, USA! That’s real America, none of this Japanese-American bullshit. Mmmm…smell that? Smells like the East Village! –A train Guy: This is the new Wall Street Times building. –41st & 8th construction site Man: See, that’s the one. If I was gonna write it a letter, I would begin, “Dear Ugliest Building in New York City”. –Westin Hotel, Times Square Overheard by: Kayla Cagan Guy on cell: Bond Street? It’s north of Houston Street so it’s not in Soho. But I don’t know what the neighborhood is called. –City Hall Park