Archive for 2005

Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice

Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I’m homeless! I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no food, I’m hungry! I ain’t got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what’s your problem?
Guy: I’m in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that’s rough. –Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn

Jesus Christ, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don’t have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, “Kev, it’s me, Jesus. I think you should have kids.” Then I would consider it. –46th & 6th Businesslady: So I says to her, “Girl, you’ve gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life.” –Downtown Brooklyn Overheard by: Joel Warden Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that. –Park Slope Overheard by: MissHell

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once. –Boerum Hill Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia… –19th between 5th & 6th Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?” –NYU Brittany Hall elevator Overheard by: Andrei Alupului Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department… –H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th Overheard by: Sophia Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised. –Juilliard cafeteria Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…” –Union Pool, Williamsburg Overheard by: Joe Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont… –N train Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home! –13th & 4th

Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya! –F train Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too! –27th street office Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy. –Bedford Avenue station Overheard by: Greg Rutter Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week. –54th & 11th Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me. –World Financial Center Overheard by: Dr. Ballon Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans! –Union Square Overheard by: Kaitlen Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me. –46th & 8th Overheard by: ballpeen hammer Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot! –Lexington & 23rd Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! –19th between 7th & 8th

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode. –The Gate, Park Slope A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese? –Broadway & 80th Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.” –27th street office JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate. –Starbucks, 48th & 3rd Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur. –D train Overheard by: Nash Astor

My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife. –B train Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen. –F train Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay! –63rd & 3rd Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e-mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e-mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e-mail me, e-mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.” –33rd & Park Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion. –Park Slope Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids? –55th & Madison Overheard by: Matt Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T-R-U-F-F. The Truth! –Atlantic Avenue gas station Overheard by: Megan Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here. –Newark airport Overheard by: jk

Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good. –Chambers Street station Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race! –G train Overheard by: J-Mo Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!” –Marquee, 10th & 26th Overheard by: Katie Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses. –190th Street station, rush hour Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit. –L train