Archive for 2005

Griping About the Priest (A NYC Short Story)

Junk shop owner: No coffee?
Lady #1: We’ll have coffee tomorrow. Thursday.
Junk shop owner: Coffee at Starbucks is $5. Special coffee. Why don’t you go to your house, then your house, and your house?
Lady #2: Why don’t we come here?
Junk shop owner: You pick a date. I’ll sell you 4 chairs, $5.
Lady #2: What, you sit on them, they break?
Junk shop owner: We don’t sell chairs that break. How many people were in church? 10? I hear he’s gonna start counting how many people are going. What are they gonna do, close the church? Doesn’t anybody have a hook in the Father, know what’s going on?
Lady #1: Nobody goes anymore.
Junk shop owner: He has no activities for the people in the neighborhood! No card parties, no bingo…$150 per kid to make communion! Where the hell do you come off making a price like that?
Lady #2: I never heard of that.
Junk shop owner: Well, you heard it now. –Carroll Gardens

Wednesday One-liners Might Have Food Issues

Guy: Nah, I’m trying to get that six pack for summer. I’m not going for the dashboard stomach or anything. Besides, the dashboard on my car isn’t looking too good, ya know? –Godiva, Nassau Street Overheard by: J Woman: She’s not trying anorexia, is she? She’s not in that adolescent phase yet, right? –85th & 5th Overheard by: Kaitlen Girl: Well, she should tell her doctor…and her waitress. –Fordham Overheard by: Trix Hobo: Hey, I’m really hungry. Really hungry, man. I ain’t eaten in the past coupla days. That’s why I’m losing weight. Except I’m so muscular, so I look healthy, but I’m hungry. And it’s hot outside, so I’m losing more weight. And I am muscular. –F train Queer: You know, whenever they show models in movies being obsessive about what they eat and their weight or something, it’s always presented like it’s this vain and self-indulgent thing, but, I mean, they’re models. It’s their job. It’s like for your job. You needed a Master’s Degree, right? Well, they need an eating disorder. –2 train Girl: I think he thought I was calling him fat. I wasn’t, though! I was calling him pregnant. –D train

Wednesday One-liners Make an Ass of Themselves

Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you’ve got one fuckable ass. –Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street Overheard by: catherine Hobo: How you doin’? How you doin’? I’m doin’ good. Yeah, you know I’m doin’ good, cause I’m lookin’ good! And you know why I look good? ’cause I clean mah ass! –1 train Overheard by: Alex Valentine NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won’t be able to. –Silver Building, Waverly Place Chick: I can’t believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, “Why don’t you fuck me up the ass while you’re at it?” –55th & 3rd Overheard by: Rich Mintz Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here. –Canal & Broadway Overheard by: Daniel

Wednesday One-liners Grab Some Dinner

Lady: Geez, what an adventure, huh? I mean, “grande ensalada”? I had no idea what I’d ordered until it came to the table! –55th & Madison Overheard by: Heather Hobo: She eats the cole slawwww. She likes the Pepsi, not the Coke! –Borough Park Russian lady: How many times do I have to tell you? Puerto Ricans don’t eat tacos. –Park Slope Overheard by: Jonathan Man: We have to stop here so I can eat. If we keep walking, I can’t eat in the rain. –23rd & Madison Woman: It’s spiritual. I only eat yak. –11th & A Overheard by: Lisa D Girl on cell: OK, well, get me as many cans of tuna as you can possibly carry. –Washington Square & East 4th Senior VP on phone: No, you can’t order Chilean sea bass anymore! They’re all bred artificially in ponds. The real ones are going extinct out of sheer deliciousness. –Madison Avenue office Woman: It’s too hot today for Indian food. Well unless, you know, you’re Indian. –17th & Park Overheard by: Robyn

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Girl: …and I was crying! Because he told me I was so ugly. But then he said he was just being honest… –9th Street & 2nd Avenue Overheard by: Domi Guy: Hey Dave, remember the last time we were here, that security guard came up to you and asked if you needed medical attention because he assumed you got hit in the mouth with a baseball? –Yankee Stadium Overheard by: Michael Bull Cop: You couldn’t suck hard enough to give her a hickey. All the stubble broke the suction. –30th & 7th Teenage boy: Honestly! Why would anyone put spermicide on their face? –Bank Street Overheard by: Jon Gordon Mother: I can’t believe you like how Robin’s face looks. It doesn’t look like she’s wearing any makeup! She needs to wear makeup. –Sephora, 5th Avenue

Wednesday One-liners Have Some Class

Chick: This is the same boy who used to lick champagne massage oil off of my naked tits, and now he’s writing three page long internet odes to Ronald Reagan? –171st & Broadway Overheard by: Djlindee Girl: Man if I had money, I’d be a classy bitch! –Mona’s, Avenue B Overheard by: Simon Mason Guy on cell: I smoke weed, work, go to school, and fuck bitches. That’s what I do, man. –18th between 5th and 6th Guy: I got a great e-mail from my friend the other day. It said, “Let’s steal something. Call me.” –Old Town Bar, 18th Street Overheard by: LMF Chick: It’s amazing how much more tip you’ll get if you let them fondle your nipples for a little. –Soho party Suit: You tell him I don’t spend $4 million on a piece of shit! You tell him to shut the fuck up…in a nice way. –38th & 7th Overheard by: Krados Man on cell: Fuck you! I have a website you can go to, it’s called Or how about –54th between 8th & Broadway Mom: Come on now, we going outside, you can do it there, OK?…He was gonna pee-pee right here on the step. Fuck that! –137th Street station Overheard by: Amanda Nazario

Wednesday One-liners Get on the 6

Hipster: I have so many friends in their 20s who are still virgins! Is “virgin” the new pink? –6 train Hobo: Listen up! I’m not here to beg or ask for money. I’m here to tell you that a flashlight like this one could save your life. There are no promises! Be prepared! Always carry a flashlight and water! –6 train Girlfriend: …and no more talking about economics when you are inside of me… –6 train Overheard by: A

Wednesday One-liners Hit Yuppietown

Hipster girl: She asked me, “Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?” –Williamsburg Overheard by: Jeremy Dawson White girl: I know, right? If I’m gonna get fucked over, it’s gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who’s not even good in bed. –Williamsburg Woman on cell: …is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life? –Bedford Avenue station Man: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me. –Montrose Avenue station Overheard by: K.M.

Wednesday One-liners Go to the Park

Drunk hobo: Excuse me, sir, do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? –Central Park Overheard by: alec Girl on cell: Like, how many miles are in a square mile? –Central Park Overheard by: Glynnis Guy on cell: No. You don’t understand. These girls are hungry. Tofu is not going to fucking do it. –Washington Square Park Overheard by: Hambone Bootblack Jogger lady: Oh, great, it’s raining. Thanks a lot, God. –Central Park Overheard by: mj Man: That guy’s got a chicken. He’s gonna burn it! Hey man, don’t hurt the animals! He’s gonna burn the chicken! –Tompkins Square Park Overheard by: Alex Romanovich