Archive for 2005

Goth v. Preppy: The Archie Paradigm

Girl #1: So, like, I’m deciding between these two guys. One’s really hot, and like, Goth and stuff–he listens to Cradle of Filth–and the other’s all preppy and sweet.
Girl #2: Uh huh. That’s so Tess of the d’Urbervilles.
Girl #1: Uh huh. And so, I’m all conflicted. The preppy one’s so sweet! He’s trying to get me not to do drugs. He’s all, “Don’t do heroin!”
Girl #2: That’s sweet, I guess. Wait: do you do drugs?
Girl #1: Well, no. I might have done pot once, but I was so wasted I couldn’t tell. –The Strand

Someone Should Complain to Her Soup-ervisor

Bag lady: Ladies and gentlemen, my husband and I are homeless. We can’t stay at our shelter during the day so we come on the train to get food. Today we are asking for money so we can do laundry. Anything you can give will help.
Hobo: Why don’t you just admit that you’re gonna buy crack? I’m in the same line of work, don’t believe her. –N train

Don’t Feel Bad for Santos’ Little Helper

Guy: I’m doing a house in the Hamptons, but I only know one person, this one girl. So I get an e-mail to meet everyone for drinks on Thursday, and I look at the names and it’s girl girl girl, girl girl, Santos, girl girl girl…and I’m like, “OK, am I the only guy in this house?”. And she said there’s a couple other guys coming out for 1 or 2 weekends. So I’m like, “OK, all girls, that’s cool. Are they cute?” and she says, “Yeah, they’re all cute.” So I said, “Well, I’m not matching the first couple weeks, they’ll think I’m gay!” She said, “Yeah don’t match, they’ll think you’re gay.” So I’m not matching. Plus they’re going to see “Santos” and think I’m freakin’…card-carrying…freakin’…off the boat, just swam the…freakin’ Florida canal…from Cuba or something. –V train Overheard by: kt

Wednesday One-liners Are Braindead

Chick: The problem with reading is that you can’t do it when you’re fucked up. –31st & 2nd Woman on cell: I’m so, like, a vegetarian, for real you know? But only, like, on Wednesdays. –Williamsburg Overheard by: Angela Guy on cell: Dude did so much K that he turned into Terri Schiavo. –Union Square Chick: I know this guy who’s perfect for you…he’s a complete idiot. –Columbia University Guy: Wow, I didn’t even know things existed here. –Port Authority, 2nd Floor Guy: Well at one point he took off his boots, a while later tried to put them back on. I told him that they were the wrong feet. Then he looked at me and said, “No…these are my feet.” –Hank’s Saloon, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: Kimberly Handle

It Didn’t Work Out with Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: For five years you wouldn’t marry me because your mother was sick. Well, your mother’s fucking dead and you still won’t marry me! –Union Square Overheard by: Robbie Goombah: So what? I went and had a couple beers with Junior! You know what? Fuck you, bitch! I want you outta my house when I get home! –Brooklyn Heights Man on cell: So what has changed from then to now?…of course! The vibrator! So that’s it, huh? –Central Park Overheard by: jeannette Guy: That’s one of the reasons I had to dump her. I’d see all these
girls on the street and be like, “Hey now!” –Broadway & Spring Guy on cell: I moved all the way here and now you won’t even marry me? –Broadway & 57th