Archive for 2005

Goth v. Preppy: The Archie Paradigm

Girl #1: So, like, I’m deciding between these two guys. One’s really hot, and like, Goth and stuff–he listens to Cradle of Filth–and the other’s all preppy and sweet.
Girl #2: Uh huh. That’s so Tess of the d’Urbervilles.
Girl #1: Uh huh. And so, I’m all conflicted. The preppy one’s so sweet! He’s trying to get me not to do drugs. He’s all, “Don’t do heroin!”
Girl #2: That’s sweet, I guess. Wait: do you do drugs?
Girl #1: Well, no. I might have done pot once, but I was so wasted I couldn’t tell. –The Strand

Don’t Feel Bad for Santos’ Little Helper

Guy: I’m doing a house in the Hamptons, but I only know one person, this one girl. So I get an e-mail to meet everyone for drinks on Thursday, and I look at the names and it’s girl girl girl, girl girl, Santos, girl girl girl…and I’m like, “OK, am I the only guy in this house?”. And she said there’s a couple other guys coming out for 1 or 2 weekends. So I’m like, “OK, all girls, that’s cool. Are they cute?” and she says, “Yeah, they’re all cute.” So I said, “Well, I’m not matching the first couple weeks, they’ll think I’m gay!” She said, “Yeah don’t match, they’ll think you’re gay.” So I’m not matching. Plus they’re going to see “Santos” and think I’m freakin’…card-carrying…freakin’…off the boat, just swam the…freakin’ Florida canal…from Cuba or something. –V train Overheard by: kt

Wednesday One-liners Are Braindead

Chick: The problem with reading is that you can’t do it when you’re fucked up. –31st & 2nd Woman on cell: I’m so, like, a vegetarian, for real you know? But only, like, on Wednesdays. –Williamsburg Overheard by: Angela Guy on cell: Dude did so much K that he turned into Terri Schiavo. –Union Square Chick: I know this guy who’s perfect for you…he’s a complete idiot. –Columbia University Guy: Wow, I didn’t even know things existed here. –Port Authority, 2nd Floor Guy: Well at one point he took off his boots, a while later tried to put them back on. I told him that they were the wrong feet. Then he looked at me and said, “No…these are my feet.” –Hank’s Saloon, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: Kimberly Handle

It Didn’t Work Out with Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: For five years you wouldn’t marry me because your mother was sick. Well, your mother’s fucking dead and you still won’t marry me! –Union Square Overheard by: Robbie Goombah: So what? I went and had a couple beers with Junior! You know what? Fuck you, bitch! I want you outta my house when I get home! –Brooklyn Heights Man on cell: So what has changed from then to now?…of course! The vibrator! So that’s it, huh? –Central Park Overheard by: jeannette Guy: That’s one of the reasons I had to dump her. I’d see all these
girls on the street and be like, “Hey now!” –Broadway & Spring Guy on cell: I moved all the way here and now you won’t even marry me? –Broadway & 57th

Let’s Catch a Flick, Wednesday One-liners

Man: I charge you with this sacred drink, and with this straw: I call this straw Excalibur, straw of destiny. –Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street Overheard by: timothy wolfe Bald man: See, the Joker was the first real villain Batman had to face… –Le Pescadou, King Street Overheard by: emdashes Guy: Uh-uh. This nigga would be outta town. I see lightnin’ goin off and holes in the ground. No way! I will grab my purse, a bottle of water, my sister, and my gun and get the fuck outta Dodge. Peace, aliens! –Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street Guy: There’s really no way to tell someone that’s the seat’s taken without sounding like a complete douchebag. –Loews Kips Bay, 2nd Avenue Overheard by: Jonathan Weiss

May/December Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Man, this old dyke is digging on me, but I want some penis
these days. –3rd between B & C Guy: Man, old pussy is the best! She has 50 years of dick sucking experience. –124th & Manhattan Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer Queer on cell: Ever since I lost my hair I’ve had 20 year olds chasing me around like I’m an ice cream cone. –LIRR Overheard by: Squatporpoise Girl: Oh yeah, that guy you saw me with Sunday? He lets me watch him have sex with boys. –NYU School of social work Overheard by: Maggie

Wednesday One-liners Should See a Doctor

Chick on phone: Do you love your gynecologist? Because I don’t. I’m not, like, thrilled. I need stability right now. It’s like bing-bing-bing, you’re done. Now tell me about your period and breastfeeding. –Brooklyn Army Terminal Woman: Oh no, she loves having surgery… –Fresh Bites, 56th & 6th Man on cell: It was like a little dagger, stabbing my eyeball… –Madison Avenue office Overheard by: Jonathan Harford Woman: …so my gynecologist said, “Why would you want to go to her? She’s out of network!” –Opia, E. 57th Street

Wednesday One-liners Are Grossly Mismarketed

Old Black guy: The thing about Girls Gone Wild is that most of them are strippers. Girls don’t really go wild. –D train Overheard by: pixelvisions Woman: One day they have Angelina sleeping with Tom Cruise, now they say she’s with Brad. –Food Emporium, Broadway & 68th Hipster chick: You know, they have all these sodas with added lime flavor, but why don’t they ever do Sprite with lime? –14th & 7th Overheard by: Melissa Huge guy: So he comes up to me and gives me the $600 that he owes me. I took one look at the bills and thought this was the worst counterfeit job I’ve ever seen so I beat the shit out of him…Did you know they have a new $100 bill? –35th & 8th Overheard by: Paul Ferris Woman: Sometimes I see underwear I don’t even understand. –Victoria’s Secret, 82nd & Broadway Overheard by: djlindee Pre-school teacher lady: If they didn’t build the subway, we wouldn’t have Home Depot or Lowe’s. –NY Transit Museum Overheard by: Trix