Archive for 2005

Don’t Feel Bad for Santos’ Little Helper

Guy: I’m doing a house in the Hamptons, but I only know one person, this one girl. So I get an e-mail to meet everyone for drinks on Thursday, and I look at the names and it’s girl girl girl, girl girl, Santos, girl girl girl…and I’m like, “OK, am I the only guy in this house?”. And she said there’s a couple other guys coming out for 1 or 2 weekends. So I’m like, “OK, all girls, that’s cool. Are they cute?” and she says, “Yeah, they’re all cute.” So I said, “Well, I’m not matching the first couple weeks, they’ll think I’m gay!” She said, “Yeah don’t match, they’ll think you’re gay.” So I’m not matching. Plus they’re going to see “Santos” and think I’m freakin’…card-carrying…freakin’…off the boat, just swam the…freakin’ Florida canal…from Cuba or something. –V train Overheard by: kt

Wednesday One-liners Are Braindead

Chick: The problem with reading is that you can’t do it when you’re fucked up. –31st & 2nd Woman on cell: I’m so, like, a vegetarian, for real you know? But only, like, on Wednesdays. –Williamsburg Overheard by: Angela Guy on cell: Dude did so much K that he turned into Terri Schiavo. –Union Square Chick: I know this guy who’s perfect for you…he’s a complete idiot. –Columbia University Guy: Wow, I didn’t even know things existed here. –Port Authority, 2nd Floor Guy: Well at one point he took off his boots, a while later tried to put them back on. I told him that they were the wrong feet. Then he looked at me and said, “No…these are my feet.” –Hank’s Saloon, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: Kimberly Handle

It Didn’t Work Out with Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: For five years you wouldn’t marry me because your mother was sick. Well, your mother’s fucking dead and you still won’t marry me! –Union Square Overheard by: Robbie Goombah: So what? I went and had a couple beers with Junior! You know what? Fuck you, bitch! I want you outta my house when I get home! –Brooklyn Heights Man on cell: So what has changed from then to now?…of course! The vibrator! So that’s it, huh? –Central Park Overheard by: jeannette Guy: That’s one of the reasons I had to dump her. I’d see all these
girls on the street and be like, “Hey now!” –Broadway & Spring Guy on cell: I moved all the way here and now you won’t even marry me? –Broadway & 57th

May/December Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Man, this old dyke is digging on me, but I want some penis
these days. –3rd between B & C Guy: Man, old pussy is the best! She has 50 years of dick sucking experience. –124th & Manhattan Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer Queer on cell: Ever since I lost my hair I’ve had 20 year olds chasing me around like I’m an ice cream cone. –LIRR Overheard by: Squatporpoise Girl: Oh yeah, that guy you saw me with Sunday? He lets me watch him have sex with boys. –NYU School of social work Overheard by: Maggie

Wednesday One-liners Should See a Doctor

Chick on phone: Do you love your gynecologist? Because I don’t. I’m not, like, thrilled. I need stability right now. It’s like bing-bing-bing, you’re done. Now tell me about your period and breastfeeding. –Brooklyn Army Terminal Woman: Oh no, she loves having surgery… –Fresh Bites, 56th & 6th Man on cell: It was like a little dagger, stabbing my eyeball… –Madison Avenue office Overheard by: Jonathan Harford Woman: …so my gynecologist said, “Why would you want to go to her? She’s out of network!” –Opia, E. 57th Street

Wednesday One-liners Are Grossly Mismarketed

Old Black guy: The thing about Girls Gone Wild is that most of them are strippers. Girls don’t really go wild. –D train Overheard by: pixelvisions Woman: One day they have Angelina sleeping with Tom Cruise, now they say she’s with Brad. –Food Emporium, Broadway & 68th Hipster chick: You know, they have all these sodas with added lime flavor, but why don’t they ever do Sprite with lime? –14th & 7th Overheard by: Melissa Huge guy: So he comes up to me and gives me the $600 that he owes me. I took one look at the bills and thought this was the worst counterfeit job I’ve ever seen so I beat the shit out of him…Did you know they have a new $100 bill? –35th & 8th Overheard by: Paul Ferris Woman: Sometimes I see underwear I don’t even understand. –Victoria’s Secret, 82nd & Broadway Overheard by: djlindee Pre-school teacher lady: If they didn’t build the subway, we wouldn’t have Home Depot or Lowe’s. –NY Transit Museum Overheard by: Trix

Announcing Wednesday One-liners

Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to fucking get home. Please keep moving and do not just fucking stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement. –43rd & 7th Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands! –N train Overheard by: Gregorio The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery. –A train Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily. –M86 bus Overheard by: Diane Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It’s that simple. –S train Conductor: That was a very dangerous thing that you just did with the cane. –F train

Is It Going to Work Out with Wednesday One-liners?

Woman on cell: Yeah, he told me the next day that he cried himself to sleep. I got so mad. I was like, “I don’t wanna hear that shit!” –Target, Atlantic Avenue Overheard by: alex Chick: Is it really cheating if it only happened once? –26th & Lexington Guy on cell: Look, I’m driving so I can’t talk right now, ok? Good-bye…Fucking bitch, never leaves me alone. –Burger King, Union Turnpike Overheard by: Megan Cowles Girl: So are we breakin’ up or what? It’s getting late! –59th & Lexington Overheard by: Mike