Archive for 2005

It’s Probably More Like Thirty-seconds

Suit #1: I screwed one of the new piece of ass last night.
Suit #2: You mean the li’l one, the new one?
Suit #1: Yeah, Jen, the new girl on 15.
Suit #2: Dude, I just smashed her the other day at lunch! Are you fucking kidding me?
Suit #1: You’re clean, right?…’cause I’m going back for seconds. –75th & Lexington

John Bolton Seems to Have Lost His Bearings

Tourist guy: Yo, where’s the main road around here?
NY guy: Huh? Main road?
Tourist guy: Yeah, you know, the main drag. I don’t know where the fuck I am, so I figure I’ll find the main road and go from there.
NY guy: Well, where are you trying to go?
Tourist guy: Just the main fucking road, man. Where’s that?
NY guy: This is New York. They’re pretty much all main roads. I mean, look at the traffic.
Tourist guy: They can’t all be main roads.
NY guy: OK. What about Broadway?
Tourist guy: I was just on Broadway. There’s nothing there. Where’s Times Square?
NY guy: It’s right on Broadway.
Tourist guy: No, it’s not, dude! I was just there and there’s nothing there!
NY guy: OK, look. You wanna get to Times Square?
Tourist guy: At least that would be something.
NY guy: Fine. Turn around and walk back to Broadway–
Tourist guy: I don’t want to go on Broadway! What’s over there?
NY guy: The East River. The U.N.
Tourist guy: Fuck that. –38th & 5th

Back to School, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: I want to go to FIT so I can hook up with girls. –27th & 7th Girl: I mean, I got shat on at Harvard. –9th Street & 2nd Avenue Overheard by: Kamran Javadizadeh Woman: Is there a special event going on at Columbia this summer? Because I’ve seen a lot of Asians around. –116th & Broadway Overheard by: Carrie Hipster girl: I mean, I’ve got like, over 160 facebook friends. Does that not mean anything? –56th & 6th Overheard by: Joyce Shen Sociology professor: No one knows what the hell Derrida is talking about, but we all pretend we do anyway. –Columbia Overheard by: djlindee

I Think He’s a Latent Wednesday One-liner

Suit: I’m always really careful when I eat so I don’t have to take it up the ass when I go to the dry cleaner. –Organic Grill, 1st Avenue Man: I’m telling you, what you should do is take a picture of yourself naked now and then in about two, three months, take another one and compare. Maybe keep doing that, you know? Keep a photo album documenting it. I think you should. –F train Overheard by: Jenni Unicorn Man on cell: Okay, I gotta go ’cause I’m fucking sweating my dick off. –Union Square Overheard by: Kevin Kilroy College guy: Have you ever jacked off with your feet? –TKTS, Duffy Square Guy on cell: I have a blood clot in my asshole! –15th & 3rd Woman: He’s a good friend, but the sex is pretty awful. He a good kisser, but he has trouble further than that. I’m just not his type. I don’t have a penis. –West 4th Street station Overheard by: Rachel Adler Puerto Rican guy: Second-best feeling in the world. First is sex. I
guarantee it. –Barnes & Noble men’s room, Union Square

Call Me on My Mobile, Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: I can barely hear you. It’s like your phone is on mute, only not quite. –Astoria Suit on cell: I don’t know! I don’t know! All I’m saying is, you better get a lawyer and it sure as hell isn’t going to be me! –14th & Broadway Punk dude on cell: Fuck you, fuck you!…call me when you are high or nice, until then fuck you! –Dunkin’ Donuts, 42nd & Vanderbilt Girl on cell phone: Like, I’m the one who invited Fran Tarkenton over in the first place! –53rd & 8th Overheard by: Tyler Bryce Indian chick on cell: You’re like the diamond in a haystack I’ve been looking for! –23rd & 3rd