Archive for 2005

Love is Strange, Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: …and she says, “If you cheat on me, you’ll die, and go to hell and burn.” So I say, “There’s no way I’m going to hell for a bitch. Cause there’s too many of them!” –Lafayette & Fulton, Brooklyn Construction worker: Yeah man, I just raw dogged her and ditched! –Grand & Ludlow Man on cell: How’s the birthday?…Yeah, big 5-0 for me….Well, I ditched the wife, make more money, and have a 33 year old girlfriend. That’s 50 for ya. –N train Overheard by: Doug Gaeta Guy: Is that her panties or his sock he’s sniffing? –Mary Boone Gallery, W. 24th Street Overheard by: Captive 411 Bike girl on cell: Hey, this is Tammy. Yet again you were in my dream. It involved fucking. Call me back. –Prospect Park Hipster: Nothing says “I love you” like a cactus. –52nd & 9th Overheard by: kath williams

Say What, Wednesday One-liners?

Softball coach: Who’s not here? Who’s ever not here, raise your hand! –Prospect Park Overheard by: Andrea Woman: Some people are idea people but don’t do anything about it, and some people are executioners. –2/3 train Hippie: Yeah, it sucks, he needs a quintuplet bypass! –Red Hook post office Overheard by: Mia Mylet Girl: Well, I’m taking Portuguese this semester, ’cause it’s a requirement to be an accountant. –NYU Bobst Library Overheard by: Greg

Wednesday One-liners Just Promote Stereotypes

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’ll put a tarp down, but everyone spraypaints on the roof. There’s graffiti all over it ’cause it’s the ghetto. There’s crackheads everywhere, so no one’s going to care about some little White girl with a spray can. –7 train Overheard by: Ani Sin Thug kid: Yo man, Welsh is the place to be. They drink as much as the Irish, but they don’t got the rep for it yet. –Times Square Overheard by: Pegs Landing Latina: My sister married a Puerto Rican, my brother married a Puerto Rican, I don’t wanna marry no Puerto Rican. I wanna step up–marry some White guy. –42nd & 3rd Crazy Black man: I ain’t sucking on Whitey’s balls! Are you? I ain’t playin with Whitey’s dick! Are you? –Union Square Guy: I’ve never seen an English porn. It’s probably bad teeth and fish
‘n chips and stuff. –27th Street office Man on cell: Do you hear all this noise? You’d never hear people honking their horns like that in Singapore…it’s considered to be insulting! –23rd & 6th

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: The way this train is moving you’d be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown. –F train Overheard by: Matt Chick: Everybody at work lives in Park Slope. They have nicknames for the subway: N stands for Never, R stands for Rarely, and W for Whatever. –Forbes Magazine gym, 5th Avenue Conductor: There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don’t pee on the seats people. –Metro-North train Overheard by: Susie P Conductor: This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St…by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick. –F train Overheard by: RMC

Listen to Preppy; He Knows What He’s Talking About

Flaming queer: What you whiteboys don’t realize is that the foreskin is not a chew toy. Maybe a little biting is OK, but don’t go down on it like a stick of Trident.
Preppy queer: This is totally going to end up on Overheard if you don’t quiet down.
Flaming queer: I’m Puerto Rican; we’re a loud people. It’s all of the drums. –Candle Bar, Amsterdam Avenue

Private Schools: The Difference is Clear?

Catholic School boy #1: Man, I can call a bitch a bitch if I wanna call her a bitch.
Catholic School girl: Nah, you can’t call a girl a bitch. It’s offensive, stupidass.
Catholic School boy #2: Yeah man, I don’t call ‘em bitch no more. Now, I call ‘em broads.
Catholic School boy #1: Nah, I ain’t callin’ you a bitch cause you bitchin’. I’m calling you a bitch cause that’s just what you call ‘em. It’s a colloquialism. –6 train Overheard by: Jacob Feldman

Foreplay Don’ts

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning. –Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing Overheard by: Stephan Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff. –Bryant Park Overheard by: Djuna Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then? –Washington Square Park

That Middle Seat (A NYC Short Story)

Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, sit on the 6 train. Across from them sit their mother and their aunt. The older boy stands, letting his brother continue to sit, next to a pole. A largish older lady wedges herself in next to the young boy, pushing him into the pole. Mother: Lady, you can’t sit there, you’re crushing him!
Lady: I’m old enough to sit, he’s young enough to stand.
Mother: You’re crushing him!
Lady: He has plenty of room.
Younger brother: Get the hell off!
Lady: I’m old enough to be your grandmother.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Mother: Thank God.
Aunt: Thank God.
Younger brother: Get off me, you big fat lady!
Mother: Stop that, be quiet. Get over here. He moves to her lap. Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Older brother: Would everybody shut up? Don’t fight on the train!
Lady’s husband: Stop it. Stop talking to them.
Lady: I’m telling you to close your mouth.
Older brother: Everybody stop!
Mother: We’re getting off here.
Aunt: Thank God.
Lady: Thank God. The family hustles out of the train. The rest of the passengers laugh as quietly as possible. –6 train