Archive for 2005

Listen to Preppy; He Knows What He’s Talking About

Flaming queer: What you whiteboys don’t realize is that the foreskin is not a chew toy. Maybe a little biting is OK, but don’t go down on it like a stick of Trident.
Preppy queer: This is totally going to end up on Overheard if you don’t quiet down.
Flaming queer: I’m Puerto Rican; we’re a loud people. It’s all of the drums. –Candle Bar, Amsterdam Avenue

Foreplay Don’ts

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning. –Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing Overheard by: Stephan Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff. –Bryant Park Overheard by: Djuna Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then? –Washington Square Park

That Middle Seat (A NYC Short Story)

Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, sit on the 6 train. Across from them sit their mother and their aunt. The older boy stands, letting his brother continue to sit, next to a pole. A largish older lady wedges herself in next to the young boy, pushing him into the pole. Mother: Lady, you can’t sit there, you’re crushing him!
Lady: I’m old enough to sit, he’s young enough to stand.
Mother: You’re crushing him!
Lady: He has plenty of room.
Younger brother: Get the hell off!
Lady: I’m old enough to be your grandmother.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Mother: Thank God.
Aunt: Thank God.
Younger brother: Get off me, you big fat lady!
Mother: Stop that, be quiet. Get over here. He moves to her lap. Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Older brother: Would everybody shut up? Don’t fight on the train!
Lady’s husband: Stop it. Stop talking to them.
Lady: I’m telling you to close your mouth.
Older brother: Everybody stop!
Mother: We’re getting off here.
Aunt: Thank God.
Lady: Thank God. The family hustles out of the train. The rest of the passengers laugh as quietly as possible. –6 train