Archive for 2005

It’s Not You, It’s Me (& Wednesday One-liners)

Woman: …and he wanted to break up with me so badly, he was like,
“Here, I’ll buy you an apartment!” –Central Park sailboat pond Overheard by: Sarahvb Teen chick: I wouldn’t want to get married because it takes so long to get a divorce! –Rockefeller Park Russian lady: Ya…my mother was lucky. Not many women divorce lawyers. –6 train Lady: Come on, since my fucking boyfriend is a fucking crack head, we are fucking gonna pick up some guys tonight. –Union Square Overheard by: Julia Wright Girl: I’m getting kind of tired of him. He used to be the kind of guy you could go out with and never have to talk. –6 train Guy on cell: …so I can fuck her, but I can’t marry her. See she’s Orthodox, but not Orthodox enough. –Duane Reade, 51st & 3rd Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper Chick on cell: Honey, your boyfriend isn’t a boyfriend. He’s, like, a boyfriend-substitute…He’s, like, the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter of boyfriends. –Times Square Overheard by: djlindee

Wednesday One-liners Appeal to the Prurient Interest

Teen boy: Dude, if Chelsea ever spread her legs, bats would fly out. –1 train Guy: Getting a blow job from her was like fucking a blow up doll. –4th & A Overheard by: cio Guy: 50,000 people?! By the law of averages, I should get some! –81st & Broadway Guy on cell : Listen, the manager said he wants to see anal and he wants to see swallow… –55th & Broadway Overheard by: Marko Guy: For all the years I’ve lived in New York, most of the girls I’ve taken home have been from the subway. –Washington Heights FedEx guy: It felt like 100 miles between kissing her and fucking her. –48th between 5th & 6th Overheard by: John Gullotta

Women Take a Stand on Wednesday One-liners

Petite woman: Just because you are taller doesn’t mean you are stronger. I have more power in my finger than that broad! One flick from me and she’d be on her ass! –43rd & 6th Guy on cell: I’ve got the dogs. I’ve got your mother’s latte. I’ve got your cappuccino, and I’m willing to go back for a movie but you’ve got to drive me…Hello? Hello? –Park Slope Overheard by: amb Chick: My boss never actually reads her e-mail. I forwarded her a message with someone’s address, but she only read the first line and responded “Where’s the address”? I mean, scroll down bitch! Jeeeeez. –Maiden Lane Overheard by: J Yoga instructor: I am totally never going back to Dop Dop again. They kept telling people I’m really a brunette. –Equinox, 50th Street Girl: And you know what? After having a few accidents, I just decided to wear pads, to let it flow naturally. –College of Staten Island Overheard by: Dr. Ballon Woman on cell: So she says to me, “Oh, you’re so interesting”, and I’m like, “Fuck you, you fucking cunt.” –57th & 5th Overheard by: Heather

Wednesday One-liners are Out in the Streets

Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sandwich. –Union Square Overheard by: Jason K Old bag lady: I’m looking for some change, some food, or a sexual partner. –Lafayette & Great Jones Hobo: I have something to say! I fucked your daughter! And she liked it! And she was tight! –W. 4th & University Overheard by: Snezhana Valdman Hobo: Too many Police investigations stopping you from reaching your destination? I may be homeless, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable! –Staten Island ferry Overheard by: Joel Guilbert Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me money, one more thing. Has your sister or girlfriend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat? –45th & 9th Overheard by: Paul Schellenberg Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! Give me some respect! –Union Square Overheard by: Evan Hobo: It’s 90 degrees out. Why are we wearing clothes? That’s mental illness. –Rockefeller Center station

Wednesday One-liners Are Phat

Bike guy: It was like the perfect really, really big ass… –Riverside Park Overheard by: Katie Fat chick on cell: Is this the Wal-Mart in Queens? Do you have thongs in extra large? –Target elevator, Atlantic Avenue terminal Black woman: I don’t know who those bitches were callin’ fat. Motherfuckers! Everytime I have a baby my stomach goes back down –34th & 6th Overheard by: Karith Fat kid: Why can’t I get another hot dog? It’s not like it’s going to make me any fatter. –Shea Stadium Overheard by: Eric Fat man: Mmmhmm…I love me some skinny gothic girls! –Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Place Overheard by: aryn pazornick Fat guy: I think I want to be Jesus for Halloween this year…I would have to lose some weight though. –Astor Place Overheard by: Jennie Tang

Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners

British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese. –27th Street office Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave. –Washington Heights Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again. –82nd & Amsterdam Overheard by: JY Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here. –McDonald’s, 47th Street Overheard by: Christa Bramberger As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer! –Williamsburg Overheard by: tee sul Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York. –Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms? –Penn Station Overheard by: Cynthia

My Anti-drug? Wednesday One-liners

Jersey girl: There is no way Anna Nicole lost that weight on TrimSpa. She’s obviously smoking crack. –4 train Chick: Yeah, she’s trying to put back on the 10 pounds she lost during her little crack experimentation. –Rivington & Allen Overheard by: Josh Mueller Crackhead: I had never seen anybody smoking crack. I had no idea what it looked like, somebody smoking crack. Until my uncle. And you know, he changed my Pampers. –Fourth Ave & Dean Street, Brooklyn Overheard by: sparkle shortz Long-hair: Yeah, so for my birthday I just got myself a shitload of mescalin. And all I did was sit in my apartment all day, tripping my ass off. –14th & 8th Overheard by: debo Guy: I could have been an astronaut if i didn’t do so many drugs. Why
didn’t anyone tell me? –Pratt Institute

Wednesday One-liners Do Their Civic Duty

Guy: That’s crazy, man. That’s worse than crazy, that’s fucking psychotic! Seventy dollars for a fucking permit. Seventy, eighty dollars for a moving violation, that I understand. But seventy dollars for a fucking permit? The fucking well is running dry! –Prospect Avenue station Overheard by: Alison Teen girl: Let’s order together but have them put it in separate bags. We’ll pay less tax that way. –Wendy’s, Union Square Overheard by: Nathan Kipe Tourist:…no, really! The streets are so clean! –24th & Broadway Overheard by: Manhattman

Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I wipe asses just like you do…only metaphorically. –William Street & Maiden Lane Overheard by: shawn mac Rich lady: When I die, scatter my ashes over Bloomingdale’s. –Neue Gallerie, 86th & 5th Overheard by: Emily Peddler: That piece down there was made from an Apple computer box. Forget the painting; I mean, just the box is gorgeous. I have a bit of a cardboard box fetish. –Spring & Broadway Overheard by: Tommy Raiko Woman on cell: So he was like, “Why are we taking a cab? It’s only 4 or 5 blocks. I know you like exercise. You go to the gym every day.” And I was like, “I only exercise the way God intended…on a treadmill.” I mean, whatever! Right? –54th & Park Overheard by: kittikat