Archive for 2005

The End of Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Hey, lady, you need to slow the fuck down…your dog needs to take a fuckin’ dump…just look at his swollen-ass asshole! –Times Square Indian woman on cell: You are a terrible, terrible man. You are a horrible shit of piece. –60th between Lexington & 3rd Overheard by: Navyboy Guy: If she was a dinosaur, she’d be an assaraptus. –Astoria Overheard by: shane matthews Lady on cell: OK, so you know Alisha? She’s Poop’s best friend…yeah, Poop. –77th & Lexington Overheard by: marissa Wife: I’m just saying say, “excuse me.” I ain’t asking you to hold it in or nothing; it’s a natural part of life. I mean, if you need to let it out, let it out. I’m just saying say, “excuse me.” Have some damn manners. We fart, we all fart, but just say, “excuse me.” –Central Park Overheard by: Alex Liebman Guy: I will say this: butts are weird, and fickle. You can put that in your dissertation. –111th between Broadway & Amsterdam Overheard by: djlindee

Wednesday One-liners for the Kiddies

Guy: So, I went on this audition, and they asked me, “Can you juggle and ride a unicycle?”. I mean, I can juggle, and I can ride a unicycle, but I can’t do both at once, I’m not a skills clown. Basically, my skill is falling. I can fall really well. –A train Overheard by: Berit J. Girl: Mommy, what’s the opposite of hair? –86th & Broadway Overheard by: Stuart Weisberg Mom: Don’t you know this is the liberry, not the cry-berry? –The Fordham Library Center Tween girl: …and the one Winnie the Pooh had a nice body… –Bryant Park Overheard by: Jason B. Schmidt Guy: …if my wife and I spit at the kids, nothing happens…but if a llama does they burst into tears. –53rd & 6th Overheard by: J-Mo British guy: Can’t be more worse than having a baby every six months. –116th & Lexington Boy: Mommy, how many hours are in a mile? –44th & 8th Overheard by: BBW

Wednesday One-liners Have Some “Interesting” Beliefs

Old woman: I don’t care what the fuck he says, I was a pirate in my last life, and I was on eight pirate ships! –Williamsburg Hobo: She was a…Mormon, no, not a Mormon. A Mormon! No, not a Mormon. What’s that religion that’s against violence? Not a Mormon, not a Mormon…a Quaker! That’s right, you know, a Mormon. It’s a circle of friends so I could just go in there and say, “Hey, I’m a Jew. I am against violence.” And they would wanna be my friends, the Mormons. –Union Square Sailor: I can’t believe that stripper stole your book. –44th & 8th Overheard by: Doug Singer Girl: I would have been complimented if he’d been fine…but I believe he was homeless. –21st & 7th Overheard by: The Radford

Wednesday One-liners Aren’t the Answer

Girl on cell: Hey, that’s not fair! If you get to be Mr. Incredible, why am I Jewgirl? –Washington Square Park Guy on cell: Does anyone in Romania have ice cream? –Tompkins Square Park Overheard by: Greg Ashley Woman: Why is it every time a guy beats his dick over the phone it sounds like a helicopter taking off? –20th & 6th Overheard by: phyllis pisacano Girl: what do you call this style of architecture? Ugly road-houses? –Mott Haven Overheard by: yev Guy: Isn’t England a state of the US, like Colorado? –Alt.Coffee, Avenue A Overheard by: dewo Guy flipping through cell: Damn, why the fuck have I only got White people on here? –27th & 7th pizzeria Overheard by: dbrock Fashion girl: How do you start a zoo? Do you buy the animals first or the place to put them? –Conde Nast Building, Times Square Overheard by: Jax Crazy guy: Are your French Fries made with beef? –McDonald’s, 85th & 3rd Overheard by: Marc Cassata Guy: Is it technically depression if you’re depressed because you can’t date a Gap model? –Bryant Park Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Those Low Rent Wednesday One-liners…

Tween girl: …when her water broke, she rode her bike to the hospital. How ghetto is that? –B44 bus Lady: They better give me my money back or I’m gonna get 7 on my side! –K-mart, Staten Island Overheard by: tony Store guy on cell: Nah, man I can’t go out tonight! I’m broke! I just paid for an abortion. –Pathmark, Cherry Street Overheard by: Jubie D. Suit: I need to go uptown, where they know the difference between a hot dog and a frankfurter. –The Water Club, E. 23rd Street Overheard by: Dave

Wednesday One-liners Join the Jet Set

Southern woman on cell: I could not feel worse than I do right now…You will…Oh my god, they are gonna have to land that airplane so you can vomit. –66th between CPW and Columbus Overheard by: Charlie Dirtbag: Man, I have to get over to Europe. I gotta sell a fucking kidney. –St. Mark’s Place Man on cell: Yeah baby, yeah, I’m still in London. Yeah, I’ll be back on Wednesday, baby. –West 4th & Jane Conductor: You’re now entering the country of Brooklyn. Please have your passports ready… –F train Overheard by: Paul Eng

Wednesday One-liners for the Red States

Lady: I come here every weekend. It’s my church. –Manhattan Mall women’s bathroom Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father. –Whole Foods, Columbus Circle Woman: I really hate Bush. I can’t stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died…But then there’s Cheney… –6 train Drunk guy: You wait right here, I’m going home to get my gun, I’ll be right back! –23rd between 8th & 9th Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo. –LES party Overheard by: Caz

Wednesday One-liners Don’t Know Where They Are

Guy: There’s got to be a hardware store somewhere around here. –Home Depot, 23rd Street Funeral home guy: Drop dead!…motherfucker… –Raccuglia Funeral Home, Carroll Gardens Overheard by: Buffoon Mother: This is the Sistine Chapel. –St. Patrick’s Cathedral Guy on cell: Hey, we’re at the Museum of Natural History right now. –The Met Overheard by: Pri

WEDNESDAY ONE-LINERS

Cab driver: Jersey, Jersey! What are you doing in New York? Do we go to Jersey? No!…unless we have to go to the Great Adventure. –Taxi, 23rd & 7th NY Post guy: Extra! Extra! Read all about it…Charlie Tuna, he’s dead! The Gorton’s Fisherman, he died too. Read it all today! –Penn Station Overheard by: Allison Barker: Tonight only! Special deal! A free game for White people! All Caucasians, one free game! –Coney Island Overheard by: Drew Black guy: ’bout time y’all write tickets downtown. I thought y’all only did that shit up in Harlem! –4th & Bowery Overheard by: Emily McCombs Cabbie: …and those Asians, they are the worst of all. They can’t see. They have no peripheral vision. They’ve got rice in their eyes! –Taxi, Sullivan Street

Wednesday One-liners Listen to Bauhaus

Guy: Dead girls? Come on. I’m afraid of real girls. Dead girls are even scarier. –Park Slope Overheard by: Carrie Guy: …he’s still living that zombie-turtle lifestyle… –14th between University & 5th Overheard by: Joe Strike Lady on cell: …so we were at this goth club and I moonwalked into someone… –72nd & Columbus Woman: I wouldn’t fit in this even if I was cremated. –Macy’s Overheard by: kathy duby Man: If it wasn’t for his suicide, Terry and I would never have met. –Rockefeller Center Overheard by: Rick Segall