Archive for 2005

The Secret Comedian Cells Spring Into Action

Woman: It’s a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What’s her name? …Um…Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife! –Central Park Overheard by: Emilia Suit #1: I know where we are.
Suit #2: Where?
Suit #1: On the corner! –9th Street & 1st Avenue Overheard by: Your Mom Guy: Excuse me, can I tell you a joke?
Girl: …What?
Guy: Can I tell you a joke?
Girl: …No.
Guy: Are you su–
Girl: Didn’t you fucking hear me, you idiot? She gets up and starts walking away. Girl: Jesus Christ, these fucking… –Central Park

“Roly Poly” Isn’t a Very Funny Pet Name

Guy #1: Dude, you’re fat as shit and getting balder by the minute, you really need to lock her in.
Guy #2: I don’t know man, she is super cool. She’s just so sensitive about everything.
Guy #1: Like what?
Guy #2: I make jokes that she doesn’t understand and gets mad really easily and takes everything so personal.
Guy #1: What do you mean?
Guy #2: Well…I guess she just doesn’t like it when I make fun of her. –4 train

Someone Needs to Hire a Closet Organizer

Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude’s jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he’s totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?…No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That’s just what his brother told me. –Q train Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin’s not gay…but he’s more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I’ve ever known. –Key Food, 4th & A Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he’s gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I’ve hooked up with like 3 gay guys. –2 train Guy #1: You know, I’m really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I’m gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple’s all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it’s because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg. –Essex & Houston Guy #1: I’m not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You’re right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag. –N train Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas