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January 2005 Archives
NY's Free Papers: When the New York Post is Just Too Classy
AM New York guy: Man, it's like I was tryin' to say--
Metro New York guy: Nah, tell Shorty he needs to eat that pussy.
--Hanson Place & Atlantic Avenue, Fort Greene
Overheard by: Frank Smith
See, We're Not So Unlike the Midwest in NY!
Woman: That's where I got that crappy muffin. I can't believe they serve muffins with no sugar. The only source of sucrose was in the blueberry. And there was only one blueberry!
--21st & 5th
Overheard by: TG
"...I'm also sacrificing you to Pazuzu, after brunch."
The light changes. A nanny begins to walk, pushing a baby stroller. Halfway across the street, she looks down sort of lovingly, meets eyes with the baby and says with an eerily calm tone: You know I'm sacrificing my happiness for you.
The nanny looks up and keeps on walking.
--59th & 5th
Overheard by: Drone
Presenting: The Worst Sentence Ever Spoken
Brainiac: Maybe AIDS wouldn't be such a problem in Africa if they'd stop buttfucking each other so much.
--Midtown office
Don't Go Past the Sale
Old Man: They have salads here. Next time we should just come early and eat here.
Old Lady: Okay, we could try that next time.
Old Man: They have Caesar salads, and cobb salads, and pasta salads--
Old Lady: That sounds good. We'll try it next time.
Old Man: --they have California salads, and tuna salads, and--
Old Lady: Okay, Harvey! We'll eat here next time!
Old Man: ...they have sandwiches, too.
--Avery Fischer Hall
Overheard by: Heather
When Bad Puns Come to Life
Waiter: ...and how about a bread? Perhaps a poori or naan bread.
Guy: Naan for me thanks.
Waiter: Are you sure? It is very good bread...
--Mitali, E. 6th St.
Overheard by: John
New Yorkers: Laughing (at Others) in the Face of Adversity
Young woman: Excuse me, is there any more room for you all to move in?
The passengers just laughed at her as the doors closed.
--A train, 86th St. station (The day after the fire)
I Feel the Need...The Need for Speed!
Man: Hey, Chris! Wow! You look great! You have lost so much weight!
Chris: Thanks. Not a diet though, I'm a crystal meth addict.
--Chelsea
When Bad Writing Comes to Life
Him: You know what I'm saying, because I was all "you know what I'm saying", you know what I'm saying?
Her: I have no idea what you're trying to say.
--Sea Thai Bistro, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
What is Winter, If Not the Frozen Aged?
Very old woman (to hobo): ...I already told you! If I had any money, you think I'd be walking out here in this?
--2nd Ave. & 16th St.
Overheard by: garrett
We Hereby Declare the New Staten Island Ferry Open for Eavesdropping
Older gentlemen: How much did this boat cost?
Younger guy: 1.6 billion dollars. It's the only boat of its kind.
Older gentlemen: Well that ain't for us; we think it's for us but it's for the tourists...
--The Guy Molinari
Overheard by: Lou
What is Fatherhood, If Not Guns and Alcohol?
Flygirl #1: My brother was like mad drunk when his lady went into labor. He was gonna beat up these guys that were messing with our little brother, but he didn't have his gun. He passed out but his friend got his ass to the hospital.
Flygirl #2: He gonna be such a good daddy.
Flygirl #1: Yeah.
--2 train
Yes, But Her Nickname is The Cocktease
Dude: We have called you The Breast Fondler for like two years and she wouldn't even let you fondle her breasts? Doesn't she know your nickname?
--6 train
Overheard by: Matt Stoudt
That Don't Justify Your Becoming a Hooker
Pretentious snob lady: New York is soooo Vegas these days.
--Times Square
You'ma Look Like the Most Popular Girl in the Class
Teen Girl #1: ...and like it felt like something was crawling...it felt weird.
Teen Girl #2: Didya scratch?
Teen Girl #1: Hell naw! What I'ma look like, scratchin' my crotch in front of the whole class?
--D train
The World's Slowest Darwin Award
Teenage guy: Dude, I just coughed up a little speck of blood. Do you think I could have another cigarette or is that a bad idea?
--68th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Cully
Oh my god! Oh my god! Not even close!
Tourist lady: Oh my god! Oh my god! That's ground zero!
--Construction site, 42nd & 6th
Racism and Chauvinism, All In One Sentence
Guy #1: My girl's got Asian eyes, though.
Guy #2: Man, but it's not her eyes anybody looks at.
--Ave A & 6th Street
Overheard by: Heather
An Overheard NYC Weather Report
Old man: Well, it's colder out there than a mother-in-law's kiss.
--Snack Taverna, Bedford St.
Overheard by: Aria Sloss
Popeye! Look What's Become of Wimpy!
Hobo: I'll let you blow smoke up my ass for a cheeseburger.
--McDonald's, West Midtown
I'm Sure the Exes Don't Count Them Either
Woman #1: I've been with him for five years.
Woman #2: Wow. That's the longest you've been with anyone, isn't it?
Woman #1: Yes...unless you count my two marriages.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Having Your Pie and Eating It Too
Sleazeball: I don't want to break up; I want to sleep with someone else.
--Penang, UWS
Overheard by: Phyllis Overstreet
Europeans Speak on the Issues: The ESB
British Woman: So, what's the purpose of the Empire State Building again?
British Man: It's a sign of American power.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Katherine O'Brien
Little Italian Guy: I'll bet this whole building weighs at least a thousand pounds.
--Empire State Building (365,000 tons)
Overheard by: Stomach Aches
Looks Like All of NYC is Talking About It Now...
Don Juan: Sure I got a seven inch dick, but the thing no one ever talks about is I got a seven inch ball sack, too.
--Avenue A
"...I kicked my Mom in the testicles from the womb!"
Dude #1: I'm gonna stand up as I turn. I'd like you to kick me in the nuts. The idea is to black out, end up in the hospital, and push this off on someone else. Ready?
Dude #2: I was born ready.
--59th & Park
I Eat Cannibals
An old lady is crossing the street with a small dachshund. As they approach Gray's Papaya, the woman looks down and asks: Jimmy, did you say you wanted a hot dog?
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jonathan
Some Urban Legends Are More Plausible Than Others
Woman #1: I heard this train fell into the river one time. Is that true?
Woman #2: I dunno. I don't see how it could. Maybe it could fall off to the side or something, but straight down? How would it get off the tracks?
Woman #1: I heard it fell into the river like nine years ago. Somebody told me that when I was in Miami.
--J train, en route via Williamsburg Bridge
We Desire Wednesday One-liners
Girl getting out of the car: I wish I had a talent other than parallel parking...
--Park Slope
An old man, bent over and hobbling with his cane, says apropos of nothing: I've got to make a list.
--7th Ave.
Overheard by: Andrea Vaughn
Let's Pluck Him and Stuff Our Coats
Businesswoman: It's mighty ducky today.
Hobo: Quack!
--Wall Street
Pushy & Pushier: A NYC Subway Romance
Woman: Excuse me. Excuse me!
Big guy: Sorry miss, the train's crowded.
Woman: No, I don't care! I do not need you on top of me.
Big Guy: ...maybe you do.
--A train
There's At Least Three Things "Cheese" Can Be a Metaphor For
Girl: Can I bring mac and cheese to the porn show or is that tacky?
Guy: It's not tacky; it's necessary.
--Bed-Stuy
Readers: Answer This Overheard Rhetorical Question
Woman on cell: Well what did you expect? Did you think you could just go into the subway and get a million bucks playing your guitar?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Domi
Our First Quasi-Celebrity Submission
A woman wearing a Mick Jagger shirt is approached by a model, who tells her: I like your shirt.
Then the model calls her son (about four) over and says: Look at her shirt. That's his dad, you know.
[Turns out that she wasn't joking; the model's name is Luciana Morad.]
--Time Warner Center Mall
It's Your Serve--Subway Style
Guy: When you play tennis, do you ever accidentally buy a can of Pringles instead of the can of balls?
Girl: Um...no.
--D train
Overheard by: Mike Lee
"...hold on, I've got the kettle on the other line."
Bitch on cell: You know what my number one pet peeve is? Intolerence!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
"Sorry, I'm used to having others behind me."
Queer #1: When's the only time you're supposed to walk in front of a woman?
Queer #2: Let me think...
Queer #1: If you're walking down the stairs. That way, if she falls you can break her fall and catch her. So when you came on this elevator in front of this young lady, you were being rude!
--Midtown elevator
Get This Man a TV Show!
Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.
--R train
Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle
"...so that's why I'm lactating!"
Fashionista guy: Did you hear about Ange?
Fashionista girl: No, what?
Fashionista guy: She's pregnant!
Fashionista girl: Oh my god! The whole world is pregnant!
Fashionista guy: Seriously.
--Midtown elevator
The Good Old Days of LSD and Assassinations
Ranting guy: You don't remember the '60s! You weren't there! It was a blur!
--E. 4th St. & Ave. B
Overheard by: Chaoskitty
"I did, but he always says No."
Panhandler: Spare some change? Help a brother out.
Panhandlee: Yeah. Go ask your brother.
--Union Square station
NYC Forecast: Snow, Wind, Heavy Chance of Racism
Girl #1: I hate how my body is cold but my face is freezing off.
Guy: You could wear a ski mask.
Girl #1: But then you look like a douche.
Girl #2: Yeah, like that guy [across the street].
Girl #1: He's not wearing a ski mask. He's black.
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: Ricki Lagotte
The Brash, In-Your-Face NYC Conversation (post-Giuliani)
Lady #1: I hate it when people put nail polish on their babies.
Lady #2: Really? I think it looks cute.
--6 train
Overheard re: New Jersey
Schlub: ...yeah, it's the nicest place--
Loudmouth: Yeah, but it's fuckin' in New Jersey!
Schlub: Yeah...Jersey...fuckin' Jersey.
--Murray Hill deli
Overheard by: Neelam S.
"Whoop, there it goes. Goddamn broccoli!"
A woman is throwing up on the street. Another woman comes to her aid.
Florence Nightingale: Are you OK?
Pukerella: No, that's OK. I just got somethin' stuck in my throat.
--Teachers College, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Derek Bacharach
These People Really Do Exist in New York...
A fat Italian "businessman" in a Members Only jacket is standing on the corner talking to 2 other fat Italian guys. An SUV drives by, honks the horn twice, and then speeds off. The "businessman" turns around quickly and loudly yells: Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Fuckin' faggot.
--LES
"Only if you go to the right sites."
Little boy: Mom, can I download you?
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
The One Sentence Guide to Williamsburg
Indie girl: Defeatism is my Friendster.
--2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Let's All Laugh at the Elderly
Old Woman #1: ...I like that too. You know what's good? I like to eat that pissghetti.
Old Woman #2: Yeah, that stuff is good.
Old Woman #1: But they should give it a better name.
--Bronx Supreme Court building
Overheard by: The Evil Sneeze
"...and my identical sister goes to AMDA."
Drunk: You are here all the time! How are you here all the time? I come in at 2PM, you're here. I come in at 5PM, you're here. You are always here! When do you sleep?
Cashier: I am a twin.
--Park Slope bodega, 5AM
It's Pronounced Gonorrhea
Teen girl: Whenever I like a guy I get diarrhea.
--8th Ave. & 16th St.
Overheard by: Kevin Allan
Readers: Answer This Overheard Current Events Question
Old school Brooklyn guy: They closed off 150 blocks in DC for this inauguration and where do you think all the people that live on those blocks are gonna park, if not here in the five boroughs?
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: Didi Hylobates
Maybe I'm Squeezing You Too Hard (AKA Escape from the Port Authority)
Guy: Dude, is it just me, or does it hurt when you pee too?
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Kris
If It's Throw Up on a Plate, Then It's Called Curry
Her: I don't care how hungry I am, I'm not gonna eat a plate of somethin' that looks like throw up!
Him: Well I'm gonna go inside and eat my throw up and you can wait out here or whatever, I don't care.
--1st Ave. between 6th & 7th St.
Overheard by: K. Thor Jensen