AM New York guy: Man, it's like I was tryin' to say--
Metro New York guy: Nah, tell Shorty he needs to eat that pussy.
--Hanson Place & Atlantic Avenue, Fort Greene
Overheard by: Frank Smith
Woman: That's where I got that crappy muffin. I can't believe they serve muffins with no sugar. The only source of sucrose was in the blueberry. And there was only one blueberry!
--21st & 5th
Overheard by: TG
The light changes. A nanny begins to walk, pushing a baby stroller. Halfway across the street, she looks down sort of lovingly, meets eyes with the baby and says with an eerily calm tone: You know I'm sacrificing my happiness for you.
The nanny looks up and keeps on walking.
--59th & 5th
Overheard by: Drone
Brainiac: Maybe AIDS wouldn't be such a problem in Africa if they'd stop buttfucking each other so much.
--Midtown office
Old Man: They have salads here. Next time we should just come early and eat here.
Old Lady: Okay, we could try that next time.
Old Man: They have Caesar salads, and cobb salads, and pasta salads--
Old Lady: That sounds good. We'll try it next time.
Old Man: --they have California salads, and tuna salads, and--
Old Lady: Okay, Harvey! We'll eat here next time!
Old Man: ...they have sandwiches, too.
--Avery Fischer Hall
Overheard by: Heather
Waiter: ...and how about a bread? Perhaps a poori or naan bread.
Guy: Naan for me thanks.
Waiter: Are you sure? It is very good bread...
--Mitali, E. 6th St.
Overheard by: John
Young woman: Excuse me, is there any more room for you all to move in?
The passengers just laughed at her as the doors closed.
--A train, 86th St. station (The day after the fire)
Man: Hey, Chris! Wow! You look great! You have lost so much weight!
Chris: Thanks. Not a diet though, I'm a crystal meth addict.
--Chelsea
Him: You know what I'm saying, because I was all "you know what I'm saying", you know what I'm saying?
Her: I have no idea what you're trying to say.
--Sea Thai Bistro, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Very old woman (to hobo): ...I already told you! If I had any money, you think I'd be walking out here in this?
--2nd Ave. & 16th St.
Overheard by: garrett
Older gentlemen: How much did this boat cost?
Younger guy: 1.6 billion dollars. It's the only boat of its kind.
Older gentlemen: Well that ain't for us; we think it's for us but it's for the tourists...
--The Guy Molinari
Overheard by: Lou
Flygirl #1: My brother was like mad drunk when his lady went into labor. He was gonna beat up these guys that were messing with our little brother, but he didn't have his gun. He passed out but his friend got his ass to the hospital.
Flygirl #2: He gonna be such a good daddy.
Flygirl #1: Yeah.
--2 train
Dude: We have called you The Breast Fondler for like two years and she wouldn't even let you fondle her breasts? Doesn't she know your nickname?
--6 train
Overheard by: Matt Stoudt
Pretentious snob lady: New York is soooo Vegas these days.
--Times Square
Teen Girl #1: ...and like it felt like something was crawling...it felt weird.
Teen Girl #2: Didya scratch?
Teen Girl #1: Hell naw! What I'ma look like, scratchin' my crotch in front of the whole class?
--D train
Teenage guy: Dude, I just coughed up a little speck of blood. Do you think I could have another cigarette or is that a bad idea?
--68th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Cully
Tourist lady: Oh my god! Oh my god! That's ground zero!
--Construction site, 42nd & 6th
Guy #1: My girl's got Asian eyes, though.
Guy #2: Man, but it's not her eyes anybody looks at.
--Ave A & 6th Street
Overheard by: Heather
Old man: Well, it's colder out there than a mother-in-law's kiss.
--Snack Taverna, Bedford St.
Overheard by: Aria Sloss
Hobo: I'll let you blow smoke up my ass for a cheeseburger.
--McDonald's, West Midtown
Woman #1: I've been with him for five years.
Woman #2: Wow. That's the longest you've been with anyone, isn't it?
Woman #1: Yes...unless you count my two marriages.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Sleazeball: I don't want to break up; I want to sleep with someone else.
--Penang, UWS
Overheard by: Phyllis Overstreet
British Woman: So, what's the purpose of the Empire State Building again?
British Man: It's a sign of American power.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Katherine O'Brien
Little Italian Guy: I'll bet this whole building weighs at least a thousand pounds.
--Empire State Building (365,000 tons)
Overheard by: Stomach Aches
Don Juan: Sure I got a seven inch dick, but the thing no one ever talks about is I got a seven inch ball sack, too.
--Avenue A
Dude #1: I'm gonna stand up as I turn. I'd like you to kick me in the nuts. The idea is to black out, end up in the hospital, and push this off on someone else. Ready?
Dude #2: I was born ready.
--59th & Park
An old lady is crossing the street with a small dachshund. As they approach Gray's Papaya, the woman looks down and asks: Jimmy, did you say you wanted a hot dog?
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jonathan
Woman #1: I heard this train fell into the river one time. Is that true?
Woman #2: I dunno. I don't see how it could. Maybe it could fall off to the side or something, but straight down? How would it get off the tracks?
Woman #1: I heard it fell into the river like nine years ago. Somebody told me that when I was in Miami.
--J train, en route via Williamsburg Bridge
Girl getting out of the car: I wish I had a talent other than parallel parking...
--Park Slope
An old man, bent over and hobbling with his cane, says apropos of nothing: I've got to make a list.
--7th Ave.
Overheard by: Andrea Vaughn
Businesswoman: It's mighty ducky today.
Hobo: Quack!
--Wall Street
Woman: Excuse me. Excuse me!
Big guy: Sorry miss, the train's crowded.
Woman: No, I don't care! I do not need you on top of me.
Big Guy: ...maybe you do.
--A train
Girl: Can I bring mac and cheese to the porn show or is that tacky?
Guy: It's not tacky; it's necessary.
--Bed-Stuy
Woman on cell: Well what did you expect? Did you think you could just go into the subway and get a million bucks playing your guitar?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Domi
A woman wearing a Mick Jagger shirt is approached by a model, who tells her: I like your shirt.
Then the model calls her son (about four) over and says: Look at her shirt. That's his dad, you know.
[Turns out that she wasn't joking; the model's name is Luciana Morad.]
--Time Warner Center Mall
Guy: When you play tennis, do you ever accidentally buy a can of Pringles instead of the can of balls?
Girl: Um...no.
--D train
Overheard by: Mike Lee
Bitch on cell: You know what my number one pet peeve is? Intolerence!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Queer #1: When's the only time you're supposed to walk in front of a woman?
Queer #2: Let me think...
Queer #1: If you're walking down the stairs. That way, if she falls you can break her fall and catch her. So when you came on this elevator in front of this young lady, you were being rude!
--Midtown elevator
Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.
--R train
Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle
Fashionista guy: Did you hear about Ange?
Fashionista girl: No, what?
Fashionista guy: She's pregnant!
Fashionista girl: Oh my god! The whole world is pregnant!
Fashionista guy: Seriously.
--Midtown elevator
Ranting guy: You don't remember the '60s! You weren't there! It was a blur!
--E. 4th St. & Ave. B
Overheard by: Chaoskitty
Panhandler: Spare some change? Help a brother out.
Panhandlee: Yeah. Go ask your brother.
--Union Square station
Girl #1: I hate how my body is cold but my face is freezing off.
Guy: You could wear a ski mask.
Girl #1: But then you look like a douche.
Girl #2: Yeah, like that guy [across the street].
Girl #1: He's not wearing a ski mask. He's black.
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: Ricki Lagotte
Lady #1: I hate it when people put nail polish on their babies.
Lady #2: Really? I think it looks cute.
--6 train
Schlub: ...yeah, it's the nicest place--
Loudmouth: Yeah, but it's fuckin' in New Jersey!
Schlub: Yeah...Jersey...fuckin' Jersey.
--Murray Hill deli
Overheard by: Neelam S.
A woman is throwing up on the street. Another woman comes to her aid.
Florence Nightingale: Are you OK?
Pukerella: No, that's OK. I just got somethin' stuck in my throat.
--Teachers College, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Derek Bacharach
A fat Italian "businessman" in a Members Only jacket is standing on the corner talking to 2 other fat Italian guys. An SUV drives by, honks the horn twice, and then speeds off. The "businessman" turns around quickly and loudly yells: Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Fuckin' faggot.
--LES
Little boy: Mom, can I download you?
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Indie girl: Defeatism is my Friendster.
--2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Old Woman #1: ...I like that too. You know what's good? I like to eat that pissghetti.
Old Woman #2: Yeah, that stuff is good.
Old Woman #1: But they should give it a better name.
--Bronx Supreme Court building
Overheard by: The Evil Sneeze
Drunk: You are here all the time! How are you here all the time? I come in at 2PM, you're here. I come in at 5PM, you're here. You are always here! When do you sleep?
Cashier: I am a twin.
--Park Slope bodega, 5AM
Teen girl: Whenever I like a guy I get diarrhea.
--8th Ave. & 16th St.
Overheard by: Kevin Allan
Old school Brooklyn guy: They closed off 150 blocks in DC for this inauguration and where do you think all the people that live on those blocks are gonna park, if not here in the five boroughs?
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: Didi Hylobates
Guy: Dude, is it just me, or does it hurt when you pee too?
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Kris
Her: I don't care how hungry I am, I'm not gonna eat a plate of somethin' that looks like throw up!
Him: Well I'm gonna go inside and eat my throw up and you can wait out here or whatever, I don't care.
--1st Ave. between 6th & 7th St.
Overheard by: K. Thor Jensen