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January 2005 Archives
NY's Free Papers: When the New York Post is Just Too Classy
AM New York guy: Man, it's like I was tryin' to say--
Metro New York guy: Nah, tell Shorty he needs to eat that pussy.
--Hanson Place & Atlantic Avenue, Fort Greene
Overheard by: Frank Smith
See, We're Not So Unlike the Midwest in NY!
Woman: That's where I got that crappy muffin. I can't believe they serve muffins with no sugar. The only source of sucrose was in the blueberry. And there was only one blueberry!
--21st & 5th
Overheard by: TG
"...I'm also sacrificing you to Pazuzu, after brunch."
The light changes. A nanny begins to walk, pushing a baby stroller. Halfway across the street, she looks down sort of lovingly, meets eyes with the baby and says with an eerily calm tone: You know I'm sacrificing my happiness for you.
The nanny looks up and keeps on walking.
--59th & 5th
Overheard by: Drone
Presenting: The Worst Sentence Ever Spoken
Brainiac: Maybe AIDS wouldn't be such a problem in Africa if they'd stop buttfucking each other so much.
--Midtown office
Don't Go Past the Sale
Old Man: They have salads here. Next time we should just come early and eat here.
Old Lady: Okay, we could try that next time.
Old Man: They have Caesar salads, and cobb salads, and pasta salads--
Old Lady: That sounds good. We'll try it next time.
Old Man: --they have California salads, and tuna salads, and--
Old Lady: Okay, Harvey! We'll eat here next time!
Old Man: ...they have sandwiches, too.
--Avery Fischer Hall
Overheard by: Heather
When Bad Puns Come to Life
Waiter: ...and how about a bread? Perhaps a poori or naan bread.
Guy: Naan for me thanks.
Waiter: Are you sure? It is very good bread...
--Mitali, E. 6th St.
Overheard by: John
New Yorkers: Laughing (at Others) in the Face of Adversity
Young woman: Excuse me, is there any more room for you all to move in?
The passengers just laughed at her as the doors closed.
--A train, 86th St. station (The day after the fire)
I Feel the Need...The Need for Speed!
Man: Hey, Chris! Wow! You look great! You have lost so much weight!
Chris: Thanks. Not a diet though, I'm a crystal meth addict.
--Chelsea
When Bad Writing Comes to Life
Him: You know what I'm saying, because I was all "you know what I'm saying", you know what I'm saying?
Her: I have no idea what you're trying to say.
--Sea Thai Bistro, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
What is Winter, If Not the Frozen Aged?
Very old woman (to hobo): ...I already told you! If I had any money, you think I'd be walking out here in this?
--2nd Ave. & 16th St.
Overheard by: garrett
We Hereby Declare the New Staten Island Ferry Open for Eavesdropping
Older gentlemen: How much did this boat cost?
Younger guy: 1.6 billion dollars. It's the only boat of its kind.
Older gentlemen: Well that ain't for us; we think it's for us but it's for the tourists...
--The Guy Molinari
Overheard by: Lou
What is Fatherhood, If Not Guns and Alcohol?
Flygirl #1: My brother was like mad drunk when his lady went into labor. He was gonna beat up these guys that were messing with our little brother, but he didn't have his gun. He passed out but his friend got his ass to the hospital.
Flygirl #2: He gonna be such a good daddy.
Flygirl #1: Yeah.
--2 train
Yes, But Her Nickname is The Cocktease
Dude: We have called you The Breast Fondler for like two years and she wouldn't even let you fondle her breasts? Doesn't she know your nickname?
--6 train
Overheard by: Matt Stoudt
That Don't Justify Your Becoming a Hooker
Pretentious snob lady: New York is soooo Vegas these days.
--Times Square
You'ma Look Like the Most Popular Girl in the Class
Teen Girl #1: ...and like it felt like something was crawling...it felt weird.
Teen Girl #2: Didya scratch?
Teen Girl #1: Hell naw! What I'ma look like, scratchin' my crotch in front of the whole class?
--D train
The World's Slowest Darwin Award
Teenage guy: Dude, I just coughed up a little speck of blood. Do you think I could have another cigarette or is that a bad idea?
--68th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Cully
Oh my god! Oh my god! Not even close!
Tourist lady: Oh my god! Oh my god! That's ground zero!
--Construction site, 42nd & 6th
Racism and Chauvinism, All In One Sentence
Guy #1: My girl's got Asian eyes, though.
Guy #2: Man, but it's not her eyes anybody looks at.
--Ave A & 6th Street
Overheard by: Heather
An Overheard NYC Weather Report
Old man: Well, it's colder out there than a mother-in-law's kiss.
--Snack Taverna, Bedford St.
Overheard by: Aria Sloss
Popeye! Look What's Become of Wimpy!
Hobo: I'll let you blow smoke up my ass for a cheeseburger.
--McDonald's, West Midtown
I'm Sure the Exes Don't Count Them Either
Woman #1: I've been with him for five years.
Woman #2: Wow. That's the longest you've been with anyone, isn't it?
Woman #1: Yes...unless you count my two marriages.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Having Your Pie and Eating It Too
Sleazeball: I don't want to break up; I want to sleep with someone else.
--Penang, UWS
Overheard by: Phyllis Overstreet
Europeans Speak on the Issues: The ESB
British Woman: So, what's the purpose of the Empire State Building again?
British Man: It's a sign of American power.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Katherine O'Brien
Little Italian Guy: I'll bet this whole building weighs at least a thousand pounds.
--Empire State Building (365,000 tons)
Overheard by: Stomach Aches
Looks Like All of NYC is Talking About It Now...
Don Juan: Sure I got a seven inch dick, but the thing no one ever talks about is I got a seven inch ball sack, too.
--Avenue A
"...I kicked my Mom in the testicles from the womb!"
Dude #1: I'm gonna stand up as I turn. I'd like you to kick me in the nuts. The idea is to black out, end up in the hospital, and push this off on someone else. Ready?
Dude #2: I was born ready.
--59th & Park
I Eat Cannibals
An old lady is crossing the street with a small dachshund. As they approach Gray's Papaya, the woman looks down and asks: Jimmy, did you say you wanted a hot dog?
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jonathan
Some Urban Legends Are More Plausible Than Others
Woman #1: I heard this train fell into the river one time. Is that true?
Woman #2: I dunno. I don't see how it could. Maybe it could fall off to the side or something, but straight down? How would it get off the tracks?
Woman #1: I heard it fell into the river like nine years ago. Somebody told me that when I was in Miami.
--J train, en route via Williamsburg Bridge
We Desire Wednesday One-liners
Girl getting out of the car: I wish I had a talent other than parallel parking...
--Park Slope
An old man, bent over and hobbling with his cane, says apropos of nothing: I've got to make a list.
--7th Ave.
Overheard by: Andrea Vaughn
Let's Pluck Him and Stuff Our Coats
Businesswoman: It's mighty ducky today.
Hobo: Quack!
--Wall Street
Pushy & Pushier: A NYC Subway Romance
Woman: Excuse me. Excuse me!
Big guy: Sorry miss, the train's crowded.
Woman: No, I don't care! I do not need you on top of me.
Big Guy: ...maybe you do.
--A train
There's At Least Three Things "Cheese" Can Be a Metaphor For
Girl: Can I bring mac and cheese to the porn show or is that tacky?
Guy: It's not tacky; it's necessary.
--Bed-Stuy
Readers: Answer This Overheard Rhetorical Question
Woman on cell: Well what did you expect? Did you think you could just go into the subway and get a million bucks playing your guitar?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Domi
Our First Quasi-Celebrity Submission
A woman wearing a Mick Jagger shirt is approached by a model, who tells her: I like your shirt.
Then the model calls her son (about four) over and says: Look at her shirt. That's his dad, you know.
[Turns out that she wasn't joking; the model's name is Luciana Morad.]
--Time Warner Center Mall
It's Your Serve--Subway Style
Guy: When you play tennis, do you ever accidentally buy a can of Pringles instead of the can of balls?
Girl: Um...no.
--D train
Overheard by: Mike Lee
"...hold on, I've got the kettle on the other line."
Bitch on cell: You know what my number one pet peeve is? Intolerence!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
"Sorry, I'm used to having others behind me."
Queer #1: When's the only time you're supposed to walk in front of a woman?
Queer #2: Let me think...
Queer #1: If you're walking down the stairs. That way, if she falls you can break her fall and catch her. So when you came on this elevator in front of this young lady, you were being rude!
--Midtown elevator
Get This Man a TV Show!
Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.
--R train
Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle
"...so that's why I'm lactating!"
Fashionista guy: Did you hear about Ange?
Fashionista girl: No, what?
Fashionista guy: She's pregnant!
Fashionista girl: Oh my god! The whole world is pregnant!
Fashionista guy: Seriously.
--Midtown elevator
The Good Old Days of LSD and Assassinations
Ranting guy: You don't remember the '60s! You weren't there! It was a blur!
--E. 4th St. & Ave. B
Overheard by: Chaoskitty
"I did, but he always says No."
Panhandler: Spare some change? Help a brother out.
Panhandlee: Yeah. Go ask your brother.
--Union Square station
NYC Forecast: Snow, Wind, Heavy Chance of Racism
Girl #1: I hate how my body is cold but my face is freezing off.
Guy: You could wear a ski mask.
Girl #1: But then you look like a douche.
Girl #2: Yeah, like that guy [across the street].
Girl #1: He's not wearing a ski mask. He's black.
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: Ricki Lagotte
The Brash, In-Your-Face NYC Conversation (post-Giuliani)
Lady #1: I hate it when people put nail polish on their babies.
Lady #2: Really? I think it looks cute.
--6 train
Overheard re: New Jersey
Schlub: ...yeah, it's the nicest place--
Loudmouth: Yeah, but it's fuckin' in New Jersey!
Schlub: Yeah...Jersey...fuckin' Jersey.
--Murray Hill deli
Overheard by: Neelam S.
"Whoop, there it goes. Goddamn broccoli!"
A woman is throwing up on the street. Another woman comes to her aid.
Florence Nightingale: Are you OK?
Pukerella: No, that's OK. I just got somethin' stuck in my throat.
--Teachers College, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Derek Bacharach
These People Really Do Exist in New York...
A fat Italian "businessman" in a Members Only jacket is standing on the corner talking to 2 other fat Italian guys. An SUV drives by, honks the horn twice, and then speeds off. The "businessman" turns around quickly and loudly yells: Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Fuckin' faggot.
--LES
"Only if you go to the right sites."
Little boy: Mom, can I download you?
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
The One Sentence Guide to Williamsburg
Indie girl: Defeatism is my Friendster.
--2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Let's All Laugh at the Elderly
Old Woman #1: ...I like that too. You know what's good? I like to eat that pissghetti.
Old Woman #2: Yeah, that stuff is good.
Old Woman #1: But they should give it a better name.
--Bronx Supreme Court building
Overheard by: The Evil Sneeze
"...and my identical sister goes to AMDA."
Drunk: You are here all the time! How are you here all the time? I come in at 2PM, you're here. I come in at 5PM, you're here. You are always here! When do you sleep?
Cashier: I am a twin.
--Park Slope bodega, 5AM
It's Pronounced Gonorrhea
Teen girl: Whenever I like a guy I get diarrhea.
--8th Ave. & 16th St.
Overheard by: Kevin Allan
Readers: Answer This Overheard Current Events Question
Old school Brooklyn guy: They closed off 150 blocks in DC for this inauguration and where do you think all the people that live on those blocks are gonna park, if not here in the five boroughs?
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: Didi Hylobates
Maybe I'm Squeezing You Too Hard (AKA Escape from the Port Authority)
Guy: Dude, is it just me, or does it hurt when you pee too?
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Kris
If It's Throw Up on a Plate, Then It's Called Curry
Her: I don't care how hungry I am, I'm not gonna eat a plate of somethin' that looks like throw up!
Him: Well I'm gonna go inside and eat my throw up and you can wait out here or whatever, I don't care.
--1st Ave. between 6th & 7th St.
Overheard by: K. Thor Jensen
Return to the Port Authority
Guy on Cell: Have you ever tried to masturbate while Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" is playing in the background? Well, it's more difficult than you think...
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Michael Roche
"No; I'm more well hung than he is."
College Professor: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Female Student: I have one sister and a twin brother.
College Professor: Are you identical?
--American Musical & Dramatic Academy, UWS
They Came from the Port Authority
Guy: ...and they were like, it's gonna cost sixty, but you get the this, and the that, and for sixty five, you can also get the other thing. I was like, "I'll just have the chicken."
--Port Authority
Boss of People: I don't have to get to work before my guys anymore. Because there are no guys! They're all laid off.
--Port Authority
Deaf, Dumb and Bran
Suit: Bran muffin.
Cashier: A bran muffin and what?
Suit: Just a bran muffin.
Cashier: Oh, I thought you said "coconut something".
Suit: No, I don't have coconut in the morning.
--Au Bon Pain, 44th & Madison
DIE HACK DIE
Stand-up "Comic": So did you all hear this? Hitler was gay, apparently.
Heckler: No, Hitler was Jewish!
--Comedy Cellar, MacDougal Street
Overheard by: Chris
Ask a New Yorker to Explain This One
Boy, 7: Daddy, I wanna see the Empire State Building.
Father: Sorry, son. That's way uptown and we're headed downtown.
--48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Christopher Mignemi
8 Million People Bitching About 8 Degree Weather
Lady Patron: It's freezing outside.
Man behind counter: Let's move to Florida!
Lady Patron: No, thank you.
--Coffee Shop, Hudson & King Street
Rich Wednesday One-liners
Moneybags: I'm thinking about selling one of my sailboats. It got a leak in the dining room, so I figure why not?
--Dock's Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Suit on cell: ...yeah, I passed out with one shoe, but when I woke up they were both gone!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: ianr
Clearly There's a Correlation
Girl with headphones: Olivia? She's a whore!...and she's the most important person at school.
--Grand St. & West Broadway
Overheard by: John Kuramoto
Insert Bloomberg Joke Here
Lady: Excuse me sir, can I bum a ciga...oh, you're smoking a joint.
--3rd Ave. & 12th Street
Overheard by: David H
Don't Worry, Our Editor Can Recite the Episodes Verbatim
Frantic hipster: Please tell me you have The Golden Girls on DVD!
Employee: Nope, we are all sold out.
Frantic hipster: Dammit! It's sold out everywhere! What am I going to do?
--Barnes & Noble, Chelsea
Overheard by: Rehey11
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Junkie!
Ma: She said, "OK, Mommy!". She took it like an angel. She's really good at taking medicine.
--D train
NY's Homeless Speak on the Issues
A hobo stumbles into the store, yelling things and making everyone uncomfortable. Suddenly, he stumbles upon the rack with copies of the New York Times, an image of Iraq on the front page. He stares in silence for a moment, and says: You think it’s bad being homeless? Imagine being in Fallujah!
--Starbucks, 59 St. & 9th Ave.
Overheard by: Andrea
Two hobos are drinking malt liquor from paper bags. Hobo #1 shakes his head in dismay: ...I tell you, I tell you--that's why they'll [sic] never be peace in the Middle East.
--29th St. & 2nd Ave.
Overheard by: Tricia Karsay
I'll Take 36 Inches of Rice, Please
Woman: How's the paella?
Waitress: It's good. It comes with clams and the whole nine yards.
--Panchito's, Macdougal St.
"...especially if you wash them down with some fried chicken."
Woman, 50s: I eat Cheerios every morning.
Man, 50s: Cheerios are good for your heart.
--Popeye's, Bay Ridge
"Then we had New Year's in March."
Guy: I've been to Germany twice because I have a friend who's from there. I went to Oktoberfest, but it was in June.
Hans: They had Oktoberfest in June? It must have been just for you...American tourists.
--25th St. & 3rd Ave.
Judge Her by the Content of Her Character
Girl on cell: Mom, of course I'm not going to be there on Monday. It's Columbus Day. Co-lum-bus. It's a holiday.
--Broadway & 13th
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Better Make It Decaf, Then
Guy, 40s: I don't take medication. I don't need it. I need drawing. I need peace and tranquility. I need coffee!
--The Strand
The NYC Subway Finishing School for Girls
Ghetto chick: She went by and shoved me and was like "Ex-cuse me!", but not like "excuse me", you know? So she had this long hair? Well, I grabbed her by the hair, flung her down the stairs, and started kicking her ass. I'll fight anybody.
--D train
Full Metal Tuxedo Jacket
Arab man: Did you dance at your wedding?
Marine: I prefer not to think back at that point in my life.
--Casa Bella, Mulberry St.
The Hipster SATs
Indie kid: I'm a big Steve Albini fan. He's to garage rock what Phil Spector is to Motown.
--Party, Park Slope
Cat Stories Heard on Trains
Man: ...I'm saying, you've passed out, and then the cat eats you. So just don't pass out.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Dan Dickinson
Drunk woman: ...so I had the 6 pounds of meat for the meatloaf and I'm stirring. It was for like 15 people--I had the whole family over--and I turn away for one minute. I came back to find my daughter stirring it, but she had poured in Meow Mix cat food. So me and my mother start picking the cat food out (it was the seafood flavored one) but there was too much in it. So I just put it in the oven, and while everyone was eating it I kept singing the Meow Mix song under my breath. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law asked for the recipe afterwards.
--LIRR to Penn Station
Overheard by: Jax
Watch Out for Laura; She's Killed a Man!
Two loudmouths point to pretend celebrities to get people out of their way.
Loudmouth #1: Look! There goes Wesley Snipes!
Loudmouth #2: Look! There goes Eddie Murphy!
Loudmouth #1: Look! There goes George Bush!
Loudmouth #2: Where? I'll beat his ass.
--7th Ave & 34th St.
"Really? I'll go get my shovel!"
Girl #1: I love Kurt Cobain. I so would have had sex with him.
Girl #2: That's like #60 in a long line of dead celebrities you would have had sex with. You're such a slut!
Girl #1: No, see, you can have sex with as many dead celebrities as you want and not be a whore. It's the rules.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Let's Cross That Bridge When You Come On It
Teen Girl: It's a good thing Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up because I am so going to do him when I meet him. If he is with Angelina Jolie that is even better because I would totally do her too. I would definitely do both of them!
--Staten Island Mall
You'll Never Get to Do It if You Warn Her!
Guy on cell: I’m going to kill you, and it’s going to hurt. You know that, right?...I’m not talking shit!
--Duane Reade, 44th & 5th
How Profound...ly Stupid
Idiot, 50s: That's the one argument against capital punishment that cannot be refuted. If you do it, someone is dead.
--Westway Diner, 9th Ave
Remember to Invite Ivan and Che
Father: Having you and your mother in the same room is like having the Communist party.
--Murray Hill
Overheard in the Headlines
An elevator equipped with a TV monitor shows a news segment of a man who just rescued a person swept away by floodwaters in California.
Yuppie Prick #1: Wow, that guy is fat. Can you imagine him saving anyone?
Yuppie Prick #2: Nope!
Fat Bystander: Not unless it was your miserable ass in the water, and he was savin' you, jerkoff!
--Midtown elevator
Correction: This Site is ALSOME!!!1
Man: You know that website called Overheardinnewyork.com?
Woman: No, I haven't. What is it?
Man: Lame!
--Empire State Building
NYers on the Issues: Hunks
Chick: I love his mole. It's like Matt Damon...he has a mole.
--Starbucks, W. 4th St.
Chick: I think it's sexy that he went to art school.
Her two friends start laughing immediately.
--Jane, Soho
Overheard by: Tamika J.
Insane NYC Scenes
A man throws a paper coffee cup on the ground, walks a few steps, then shouts: Clean that shit up!
--45th & 6th
A bag lady approaches a stranger and says: You gotta stop lyin' to people.
--110th & Broadway
Torture Ain't What It Used to Be
Marine: Dodgeball is something that they would show me in a POW camp! I couldn't stomach it.
--Casa Bella, Mulberry St.
Readers: Suggest a Snappy Comeback
Male employee: Thank you, and have a nice day!
Female employee: It's night time, you say have a good night. See the dark outside?
--McDonald's, Saint Mark's Place
The Persistence of Irony
A tourist woman examines Dali's masterpiece and comments: Oh hey, this is supposed to be famous, but I can't remember why.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Here's One for the Dorks
A fanboy brings up a mini-bust to the register.
Fanboy: Is this the last one?
Comic book guy: Mxyzptlk*? Yeah, I think so.
Fanboy: Bat-mite too?
Comic book guy: We might have more in the warehouse, but not here.
Fanboy: I'll take them.
Comic book guy: We don't charge extra for the dust.
--Cosmic Comics, E. 23rd St.
*Although he should have known better, he pronounced it Mixle-plick instead of the correct Mix-yez-pittle-ick.
Why Not a Soup/Sammich Combo?
Urban chick: They eat some fucked up shit. I could be starving but if I'm at her house I won't eat. I'll make me a sammich. Bean curd soup! I never heard of no shit like that. Bean curd soup.
--D train
Only in New York, Bridge & Tunnel Edition
Fratboy: We went to that bar once cause I heard there were lots of skanks in there. But there were no skanks! It sucked.
--outside Blue & Gold, East Village
OverheardInNewYork Meets OverheardInTheOffice
Woman on phone: No, my nose isn't big by New York standards, but in Texas it's huge.
--Midtown office
Beauty is Only Deep Skin
Woman, 50s: "You look so rested, so refreshed. Have you lost weight?" That's what you want them to say. Not, "you look like you've had 3 inches of skin on your face tightened."
Friend, 50s: Did you go back to work right after?
Woman, 50s: Not right after. Because of the bruising. But it's New York. I could have 2 heads and no one would notice.
--Ollie's, UWS
Overheard by: TG
"I wasn't lying, I swear!"
Girl #1: Who's Rob?
Girl #2: The one with the girlfriend...You know! The one who was right front and center when my pants caught on fire.
--Elevator, 50th & Broadway
Queer Eye for the Homeless Guy
A sharply dressed woman offers a pair of gloves to a hobo: Sir, could you use these?
Hobo: Lady, you should know better. Those don't match my outfit.
--23rd & 7th
One Man's Cult is Another Man's, Um, Cult
Scientologist: Ma'am, are you interested in taking a free stress test?
Woman: Hell no. I don't need no freako to tell me I'm stressed. I already know that.
--Union Square station
NYers on the Issues: Shoes
Hispanic girl on cell: I don't care what shoes you're wearing, you're still Puerto Rican!
--92nd & Broadway
Woman: When a girl tells a guy she likes his shoes, that means she wants to fuck him.
--Delancey St.
Most New York Conversation Ever
Dude #1: I want a new printer but they're too expensive.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know what you mean. I want to find a good cheap one.
Homeless busybody: Cheap?! That's why you're a fucking Jew!
Dude #2: Actually I'm not Jewish, but I'm glad you're homeless!
--W. 4th St.
Readers: Answer This Overheard Question
Man: What do you give a 16 year old Republican besides a kick in the teeth?
--Barnes & Nobles, Park Slope
I Don't Know Where to Begin Fixing This Sentence...
Queer: New York is a gay-Jewish city; of course everybody complains!
--6 train
Overheard by: Secondhand Nose
You Can't Spell "Incoherent" Without "Heroin"
Junkie #1: He's a millionaire...just gives his money away. He's a Jew bastard. But he writes his check like a chicken scratch.
Junkie #2: Oh, they can't write anyway.
--Meth clinic, 161st Street
Boobs Are Boobs
Guy #1: I talked to the redhead girl.
Guy #2: No, I said to talk to the red sweater girl.
Guy #1: Oh, I thought you said the redhead girl.
Guy #2: Well, what'd she say, anyway?
--The Dublin Harp, UWS
Overheard by: Travis York
Just Don't Ask About the White Sauce
Diner: Your brown sauce; it's some sort of, um...brown sauce?
Waiter: Yes.
Dining Man: OK, that sounds good.
--Pongsri, Chinatown
Overheard by: Joseph Schoech
Um, Let's Call That Plan C...
Brainiac: You want self-esteem? Just go in there with a thirteen-inch cock. Now there's your self-esteem!
--58th & 5th
Overheard by: Jodi B'holm
The NYC Subway: A Model for Decorum
A woman blocks the entire stairway. The man behind her says: Lady, if ya gotta be fat an' slow, could ya do it in fronna somebody else?
--Union Square station
A portly Russian man sits down in between me and an Italian woman this morning. I bite my tongue. She does not: You're joking, right? You don't fit! You should just pick yourself up!
--D Train
There's a George W. Bush Metaphor in Here Somewhere
Guy: When I walk, I drift right. That's why I kept bumping into you like that.
--6th Ave & 18th St.
What Defines The NYC Scent?
Dude #1: That party was fun. It was hot, though.
Dude #2: Yeah, it smelled like hot ass in there.
--Loews Hotel, Lexington & 51st
Guy: Yo, she smelled like dead hell!
--Flatbush
Supernausea, super-hangover, super-bruises...
Tall girl: I have a Drunken Master style of riding the subway.
Short girl: But you're sober!
Tall girl: Yeah, unfortunately. Drinking gives me superpowers.
--F Train
A Real Life Three's Company Moment
Guy: ...so then she tells me she's a call girl.
Girl: Oh, I did that for a while. Back in high school.
Guy: You were a call girl?
Girl: Yeah, for a little while. It sucked.
Guy: Um...yeah?
Girl: Yeah. Pay was okay, but it just wasn't worth it. Everybody always yelling at you and hanging up on you.
Guy: Hanging up on you?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Because you were a call girl?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Like a telemarketer?
Girl: Yes!
Guy: Oh. Well, this girl wasn't...that kind of call girl.
--F Train
Overheard by: Heather
They Pay Their Rent with the Gold Fillings
Puerto Rican Girl #1: So I saw Jose at his job? And it was kinda cool? Because I'm not afraid of gross and freaky shit.
Puerto Rican Girl #2: Uh huh.
Puerto Rican Girl #1: And you know, they make good money. You just gotta go to school for a couple years or somethin'. And not be afraid of gross and freaky shit. You gotta study--what is it called?
Puerto Rican Girl #2: Morturary science?
--A train
Greetings from the Freak Borough
JAP on cell: Yeah, he's cute, but he's from Staten Island!...Ever see that show on MTV, True Life: I'm Getting Married? Yeah, that guy was such trash, and everyone out there is like that!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Rebecca Dash
"...but hold the cheese!"
Server: Oh no, not you again! Whatchoo want?
Customer: 'talian col' cut.
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: I said 'talian col' cut!
Server: Whatchoo want on it?
Customer: Damn baby, I want you on it!
Server: Shit, you wouldn't even know what to do with me!
Customer: Damn baby, I eat that shit!
--Bed-Stuy deli
Seminal Wednesday One-liners
Hip Hop Guy on cell: I'll just keep my nuts shaved and everything'll be fine.
--Varick Street
Coffee guy on phone: I'm not talking about whacking off, I'm talking about fried chicken!
--Alt.coffee, Avenue A
Overheard by: Dibson Hoffweiler
Mother of Wednesday One-liners
Mom: I don't know. I think you have to be, like, 21 to go to outer space.
--83rd & Amsterdam
A six-year-old stops coughing and asks: Mommy, why did you cover my mouth?
--Q Train
Wednesday One-liners
Old Southern Man: ...so I said, if yer stoopid, you shouldn't try and show it; you should try and hide it.
--Soho
NYU Guy: I didn't wear my moccasins today, Arthur, and I'm still freezing!
--W. 13th St.
Overheard by: Dan Winckler
"...and Stop Trying to Test Me for a Hernia!"
Guy #1: I got a cough.
Guy #2: You got a cough?
Guy #1: Yeah, I got one.
Guy #2: I wonder if it's the same one I got.
Guy #1: It's a cough.
--LES
Overheard by: David Bowman
Maybe If You Repeated It Nice and Slow...
Guy into cell: Uh huh, he knows it's an 8-track, right? He knows how to work with one of those?...Now listen. I want to make this crystal clear. I want to make sure that he fully understands what I'm about to say. There is to be no sucking dick before studio time. Does he understand this?
--8th St. & Greene
Overheard by: PSL
There May Be a Shop That Doesn't
Passenger: Is there any shops in the city that sell Statue of Liberty souvenir statues?
Cabbie: Yeah, I think there may be a shop that sells those right in Times Square.
--Times Square cab
Overheard by: John Aubin
You Always Bring It Back to You, Electro
Man #1: Aren't you freezing?
Man #2: Not really. Ever since I got hit by lightning I don't really feel the cold.
Man #1: Ah. OK, so anyway...
--Lafayette St. & Astor Place
"Well, at least no one overheard us."
Drunk Suit #1: You do realize that we're going to jail for this, right?
Drunk Suit #2: Yeah, I know.
Drunk Suit #1: I mean, Powers is dead!
--Dock's Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Oddly, She's the World's Biggest Menorah
Nun #1: The lady who is the Statue of Liberty is Catholic.
Nun #2: Someone told me she was Muslim, but I think they were just trying to keep it safe from airplane attacks.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Joseph Lo Cascio
The Wizened and Wise Diet
The cashier scans an old lady's ricotta cheese.
Cashier: Why didn't you get the bigger one?
Old Lady: 'Cause I'll eat it all! This way I have a limit.
--Waldbaum's, Bensonhurst
Trains and Trannies
Chick #1: What an asshole. Do I look like a transvestite?
Chick #2: No.
Chick #1: Sometimes when a woman is tall and she's dressed like a woman, she really is a woman.
Chick #2: Unless you're in Chelsea.
--1 Train
Business Means Never Losing Sight of Your Goals, or Your Blow
Broker #1: That dog is really cute.
Broker #2: Yeah, but we still need more coke.
--St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave.
Overheard by: Kate
"...and by 'Fort Lauderdale', I mean 'Bayside'."
Man on cell: I'll be in Fort Lauderdale in 2 hours, wait for me.
--34th & 8th
About Last Night
Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don't have to. It's free today. Tomorrow, New Year's Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don't know. They pay me to.
--UWS
Happy J Year!
Suit #1: It's the same judge that decided that the menorah and the islamic symbols are not religious, but that the cross is. And guess what? The judge?
Suit #2: Jewish?
Suit #1: Jewish.
--Madison & 44th
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