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February 2005 Archives
When "Go Fuck Yourself" Is Just Not Enough
Bible Thwacker: Have you considered turning back to Jesus?
Woman: Have you considered licking my clitoris?
--Times Square
A psychic was handing out flyers, and was rebuffed by one woman with: Hey, if you were psychic, you'd know I don't believe in that shit.
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
How to Win Any Debate, NYC Style
Two strangers, a nerdy out-of-town businessman & a native NYC businesswoman, step onto the 6 train mid-argument. Profanities are flying out of the NYer's mouth rapidly and with great force. The nerdy out-of-town businessman throws his harshest punch back: Why don't you go wash your mouth out with soap?!
NYC businesswoman: Oh...why don't you go fuck yourself?
--6 train
Overheard by: amy
"172 pounds? Come on, you're full of it!"
Gym Guy #1: Just weighed myself.
Gym Guy #2: Oh, yeah?
Gym Guy #1: 172 pounds after a shit.
--Wall Street NYSC
Overheard by: Bailey Wier
The Gates Changed New York Forever
Elderly woman: Excuse me, do you know where 81st Street is? We're trying to get to the highest point in the park to see The Gates.
A NYer points out the way. After she leaves, he says: I'm pretty sure I gave her the wrong directions, but I think she's high enough.
--The Ramble
Overheard by: Nathan K. Claus
Guy: Man, this will really put New York back on the map.
--The Gates
Suit: Excuse me, I wanted to ask you about your [big orange] wig. Are you advocating your support for The Gates or are you commenting on how crazy and trivial they are?
Guy: Uh...what wig?
--The Gates
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Boy: Mom! Was that "art"?
Mother: No, Michael. That was laundry.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Darko Vraither
Old woman #1: Isn't it lovely?
Old woman #2: Well, I wouldn't call it art, but I'm certainly glad New York has something to amuse it during the month of February.
--MoMA roof
Overheard by: Michael Bracy
Readers: Answer This Fancy Overheard Question
Man in fur coat and matching hat: Excuse me, where can I find the sanitation napkins?
--Rite Aid, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Katie
Meet the Fucktard
Guy: I saw that movie Hide and Seek. It sucked.
Girl: I don't know that one. Who's in it?
Guy: Ummm...that guy from Meet the Fockers.
Girl: ...Ben Stiller?
Guy: Who?
Girl: Are you talking about Ben Stiller?
Guy: No, no, the old guy.
Girl: Robert DeNiro?!
Guy: Yeah, him.
Girl: You call Robert DeNiro "that guy from Meet the Fockers"?!
--1 train
Overheard by: Brian J. Heck
The Squiggles Seminar is Deceptively Difficult
Hoop earrings girl: So I found out yesterday the name of my class is Advanced Calculus. I knew it was advanced but I didn't know it was calculus. I wish I'd known when I registered. It's nice and interesting. There are a lot of squiggles that look really nice. But I'm going to transfer to the regular class, because it's not a requirement for my degree, and why get a C or D, when I can get an A?
--F train
Don't Hate the Wildlife, Hate the Game
Man on cell: I didn't know it was your baby crying! I thought you were watching some animal show. I wouldn't have made the comment about the hyena if I knew it was your baby!...Well, yeah, I probably would have...hey, whatever happened to you and ugly-ass Omar?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Krista Gundersen
We're Almost Done With The Gates
Boy: This...cost $23 million.
Dad: There's 23 miles of them!
Boy: Still, that's a million dollars a mile!
Boy: Wait...so is the fabric pure saffron?
Mom: No no no, saffron is a spice.
Boy: Oh. The only time I'd heard that before was on Pokemon, they had Saffron City.
Mom: It looks like they're about to start marching!
Dad: They will, by Monday.
Boy: Wha?
--The Gates
"...if you're a tanbot, that's another story."
Bronzing Blonde: So this guy was like "I can't tan in that bed, I'll burn," so I said, "Um, your last name is Garcia, you shouldn't burn that easily."
Bronzing Brunette: Seriously? I mean just because your last name is Garcia doesn't mean it's okay to be stupid.
--Tanning salon, 7th Avenue between 38th & 39th
Confirmed: We All Look Alike
Black dude: I ain't even gonna say it. You know who you look like, right?
White dude: Let me guess: Seinfeld.
Black dude: Oh, shit! Aah! I'sa gonna say Kramer!
--Fort Greene bodega
Innuendoes Missed by the Recipients and Caught by Overheard
Girl #1: He was a little too Spock and not enough Kirk.
Girl #2: What?
--F train
A son is moving a table into the back of the truck.
Mom: Be careful not to bend the legs when you push it in.
Son: That's what she said.
Mom: What?
--30th and Lex
Overheard by: Tom
Lucifer's Still One Stylish Ho
Two hobos are checking out a woman walking by.
Hobo #1: You look like an angel fallen from heaven!
Hobo #2: The angel fallen from heaven is the devil!
Hobo #1: Oh...
--Lafayette & Franklin
Which, Oddly Enough, Also Smell Like Balls
Girl #1: My apartment smells like balls.
Girl #2: That's nothing. I think my neighbor is sniffing my panties in the laundry room.
--28th & Park
Overheard by: Stephanie
Nature or Nurture, NYC Edition
Girl: Mum, I can't get through.
Mum: Honey, I've told you before, you have to push and shove past the people otherwise you'll never get through.
--Rockefeller Center
My Thinking is Crippled
Pedestrian #1: I'm fucking handicapped. I can park anywhere I want to.
Pedestrian #2: If you're handicapped, how come you're walking?
Pedestrian #1: It ain't my legs that's handicapped.
--3rd between A & B
Overheard by: Abby
Lorraine Hansberry is Spinning in Her Grave
Black kid #1: ...you mean the gay nigger?
Black kid #2: No, the black-brown nigger.
--outside Boerum Hill Food Company, Smith Street
The Proctologists Ride The A
Old bag lady: ...but once they stick the epidural in, they can just reach in and pull it out like that!
The very pregnant teenager sitting next to her did not respond...
--R train
Great, Now the Kid's All Horny
A mother and daughter catching snowflakes on their tongues.
Mother: I caught one, did you catch one?
Daughter: Yes!
Mother: Mine was too small, it tasted tiny.
Daughter: I got one!
Mother: What does it taste like?
Daughter: Power!
--2nd Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Alexander Romanovich
Also at "That Party": Titty Woman, Guy Necologist
Girl #1: Oh my God, don't we know him?
Girl #2: Duh, that's Crotchman.
Girl #1: Riiight. From that party.
Girl #2: Yeah.
--Penn Station
Now I Make Justice Disappear!
Queer #1: ...so essentially if I didn't get accepted to NYU for law I would have become a magician.
Queer #2: Really?
Queer #1: Yeah. I have the hat and scarves and everything.
--Dojo, Greenwich Village
Gayest Overheard Ever
Guy #1: Oh my god, did you hear that Tom Ford just left Chanel?!
Guy #2: Really?! I can't believe it, he really turned that brand around.
--Bergdorf Goodman shoe department, 5th Ave.
I'd Be Tempted to Stick a Candle in the Fontanel
Mom: Why don't we take the baby to go pumpkin picking this week?
Dad: No.
Mom: Why not?
Dad: Because it's too dangerous.
--Annadale, Staten Island
Overheard by: flappers
Courtesy in NYC: A Short Story
Chick: One time I saw this old guy fall and drop his cane onto the subway tracks, and it was raining, so we tried to talk people into giving him their umbrella, since he couldn't get the cane--and we were so mad when no one would give us an umbrella, 'cause you can't just buy a cane at Duane Reade.
--6 train
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Not Done Saying Goodbye to The Gates
Old woman: Well, they really aren't that bad.
Old man: Yeah right!
--The Gates
Overheard by: meg
Guy: It cost them like $23 million to put up. I would have liked it more if they paid half as much.
Girl: I would have liked it more if it was a different color. It was described as saffron. It's not. It's orange.
--The Gates
Overheard by: bluesdog
Still Saying Goodbye to The Gates
Haughty woman: It's just fabric! Why do you have to pay $16 million for fabric?
--The Gates
Asian guy: So what's the deal with these orange flags? Do they take them all down and put them up again every year? That's dumb.
--The Gates
Overheard by: Nick
Saying Goodbye to The Gates
Guy: We just saw The Gates. And you know what they are? They're a bunch of curtains in the park. That's right, curtains in the park. You wanna see a bunch of curtains in the park, then go see them. But that's all they are: a bunch of curtains in the park. Oh, yeah, and they're "saffron".
--Newark Airport shuttle
Overheard by: Julie Winterbottom
Woman: So?! They're not dumb to me!
--The Gates
Welcome to NY; Now Get the Fuck Out of Here
Tourist: Excuse me, but do you know how I can get to Penn station?
Woman in camo: Do I look like a fucking tour guide?
Tourist: Now that's what I came to New York to find!
--5th & 82nd
Saffron But Deadly
Guy #1: Have you ever farted inside a piece of public art before?
Guy #2: Yes. I used to fart in the Arch all the time.
Guy #1: Oh...well, then, have you ever farted in a piece of public art by Jeanne-Claude and Christo?
--The Gates
She Has the Black and Gold Sticker on Her Neck
Chick on cell: You know Karen, she's my best friend...well, not my best friend, my Taiwanese best friend...
--Lorimer Street, Williamsburg
But Have You Read Dianetics???
Intellectual: Man, I was reading the Koran the other day. It's such bullshit; the Bible is way better.
--7B, East Village
Daddy's Girlfriends Are Expensive
Mom: You know something? When I was a little girl, my family was so poor that we couldn't even afford Christmas presents! We got fruit in our stocking and that was it, and we were lucky if we could get one birthday present--
Son, 6: But we have money!
--10th Street & 6th Avenue
Readers: Answer This Slang Question
Construction Worker: So is Camel Toe the same as Hammer Time?
--Pace University
Overheard by: Lil
It's Because I Ate All the Bananas
Salesgirl: How'd you get that bruise?
Customer: I was jumproping and I fell.
Salesgirl: Aren't you a little old to be jumproping?
Customer: Aren't you a little fat to be working at The Gap?
--The Gap, 48th & 6th
Prisoner Number 91101
Guy #1: Man, things ain't been the same since my brother died in WTC.
Guy #2: What? He ain't dead; he's in jail, son.
Guy #1: Man, why you gotta--
--E train
It Comes Out As Bran
Hipster Guy #1: So, every morning you eat shit for breakfast?
Hipster Guy #2: Yeah!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Kathleen
Wednesday One-liners...In Bed
Woman: If I'm not ovulating by Thursday, I'm going to be pissed!
--57th between 7th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cal Chemical
Very old man: ...yeah, he slept with many different men in his bed for many years.
--Eye to Eye Vision, Union Square
Overheard by: Rachel W
Thoughtful Wednesday One-liners
Chick: When I first got here from Jersey, I thought I'd let it all out, live my own life, but I quickly realized that was a bad idea.
--Blue Ribbon Sushi, Soho
Overheard by: Abby
Law Student: The Nation is too conservative for her.
--Fordham Law
Overheard by: Patrick Smith
Classy Wednesday One-liners
B&T chick: What I really liked about this guy is that he could write his name in cocaine. And underline it.
--Grand Central food court
Overheard by: Nathan K. Claus
Guy: All I want is for my relatives to die in a certain order.
--University Ave, Bronx
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Flaming Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: It's not like I sucked some guy's dick last...oh wait, I did!
--Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: a.alvarez & c.palmatier
Guy: I'm sorry, I left my foundation at home today.
--The Flame, Clinton
Overheard by: Sandy
Wednesday One-liners, Chelsea
JHS girl: I'll be damned if I let a seventh-grader ruin my reputation.
--8th Ave. playground
Sweaty fat man on cell: I would feel stupid if I were in a diabetic coma.
--8th Ave. between 21st & 22nd
Wednesday One-liners, Matchmaking
Player: Yo, I ain't banged a fat bitch in a while.
--Broadway & Astor Place
Big woman: He looks like a bean...he has no ass!
--Kate Spade, Broome St.
Overheard by: wermice
Misspoken Wednesday One-liners
German: Why those birds suddenly appear? Every time! In the mirror!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Wife: Ooh, look, honey, they've got that Le Courvoisier chair!
--MoMa
Wednesday One-liners
Girl: We're outside now. Now I can entertain you.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: heather
Hobo: Hey Mr. Rockafella, can you help a blackafella?
-- 7th Av & W. 11th
Overheard by: Gillian Glasser
"The problem is, I loved the dog."
Wife: I don't know what you've got to be so sad about. Your boss loves you, the kids love you, I love you, the dog loves you!
--JFK airport bar
Someone Get This Woman into a Soup Can
Dowager: My god darling! The emotion! I feel naked!
--Jackson Pollock painting, MoMA
Overheard by: Anthony Garmont
When Seduction Meets the Special Olympics
Guy: Where do you live again?
Girl: Right over there.
Guy: Can I walk you home?
Girl: But it's right over there...
--Orchard Street
What's the Yiddish Word for Schmuck?
Man on cell: ...well, congratulations! Or should I just say, "oy veh"!
--Midtown lobby
In My Spare Time, I Teach Diction
Chick: I don't have any more cigarettes.
Bag lady: I don't want no cigarette. I ain't no crack addict. I'm a ho.
--outside Ding Dong Lounge, UWS
Terror Alert Level: Cushy
Security guard: You'll have to sit up, there's no slouching allowed on these chairs.
Girl: What?
Security guard: If you don't stop slouching you'll have to leave.
--Time Warner Center, 3rd floor
Overheard by: Suzanne Cunningham
...to Love, Honor and Obey...
Wife: Do whatever you want...it's not my mother who died!
--JFK