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February 2005 Archives
When "Go Fuck Yourself" Is Just Not Enough
Bible Thwacker: Have you considered turning back to Jesus?
Woman: Have you considered licking my clitoris?
--Times Square
A psychic was handing out flyers, and was rebuffed by one woman with: Hey, if you were psychic, you'd know I don't believe in that shit.
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
How to Win Any Debate, NYC Style
Two strangers, a nerdy out-of-town businessman & a native NYC businesswoman, step onto the 6 train mid-argument. Profanities are flying out of the NYer's mouth rapidly and with great force. The nerdy out-of-town businessman throws his harshest punch back: Why don't you go wash your mouth out with soap?!
NYC businesswoman: Oh...why don't you go fuck yourself?
--6 train
Overheard by: amy
"172 pounds? Come on, you're full of it!"
Gym Guy #1: Just weighed myself.
Gym Guy #2: Oh, yeah?
Gym Guy #1: 172 pounds after a shit.
--Wall Street NYSC
Overheard by: Bailey Wier
The Gates Changed New York Forever
Elderly woman: Excuse me, do you know where 81st Street is? We're trying to get to the highest point in the park to see The Gates.
A NYer points out the way. After she leaves, he says: I'm pretty sure I gave her the wrong directions, but I think she's high enough.
--The Ramble
Overheard by: Nathan K. Claus
Guy: Man, this will really put New York back on the map.
--The Gates
Suit: Excuse me, I wanted to ask you about your [big orange] wig. Are you advocating your support for The Gates or are you commenting on how crazy and trivial they are?
Guy: Uh...what wig?
--The Gates
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Boy: Mom! Was that "art"?
Mother: No, Michael. That was laundry.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Darko Vraither
Old woman #1: Isn't it lovely?
Old woman #2: Well, I wouldn't call it art, but I'm certainly glad New York has something to amuse it during the month of February.
--MoMA roof
Overheard by: Michael Bracy
Readers: Answer This Fancy Overheard Question
Man in fur coat and matching hat: Excuse me, where can I find the sanitation napkins?
--Rite Aid, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Katie
Meet the Fucktard
Guy: I saw that movie Hide and Seek. It sucked.
Girl: I don't know that one. Who's in it?
Guy: Ummm...that guy from Meet the Fockers.
Girl: ...Ben Stiller?
Guy: Who?
Girl: Are you talking about Ben Stiller?
Guy: No, no, the old guy.
Girl: Robert DeNiro?!
Guy: Yeah, him.
Girl: You call Robert DeNiro "that guy from Meet the Fockers"?!
--1 train
Overheard by: Brian J. Heck
The Squiggles Seminar is Deceptively Difficult
Hoop earrings girl: So I found out yesterday the name of my class is Advanced Calculus. I knew it was advanced but I didn't know it was calculus. I wish I'd known when I registered. It's nice and interesting. There are a lot of squiggles that look really nice. But I'm going to transfer to the regular class, because it's not a requirement for my degree, and why get a C or D, when I can get an A?
--F train
Don't Hate the Wildlife, Hate the Game
Man on cell: I didn't know it was your baby crying! I thought you were watching some animal show. I wouldn't have made the comment about the hyena if I knew it was your baby!...Well, yeah, I probably would have...hey, whatever happened to you and ugly-ass Omar?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Krista Gundersen
We're Almost Done With The Gates
Boy: This...cost $23 million.
Dad: There's 23 miles of them!
Boy: Still, that's a million dollars a mile!
Boy: Wait...so is the fabric pure saffron?
Mom: No no no, saffron is a spice.
Boy: Oh. The only time I'd heard that before was on Pokemon, they had Saffron City.
Mom: It looks like they're about to start marching!
Dad: They will, by Monday.
Boy: Wha?
--The Gates
"...if you're a tanbot, that's another story."
Bronzing Blonde: So this guy was like "I can't tan in that bed, I'll burn," so I said, "Um, your last name is Garcia, you shouldn't burn that easily."
Bronzing Brunette: Seriously? I mean just because your last name is Garcia doesn't mean it's okay to be stupid.
--Tanning salon, 7th Avenue between 38th & 39th
Confirmed: We All Look Alike
Black dude: I ain't even gonna say it. You know who you look like, right?
White dude: Let me guess: Seinfeld.
Black dude: Oh, shit! Aah! I'sa gonna say Kramer!
--Fort Greene bodega
Innuendoes Missed by the Recipients and Caught by Overheard
Girl #1: He was a little too Spock and not enough Kirk.
Girl #2: What?
--F train
A son is moving a table into the back of the truck.
Mom: Be careful not to bend the legs when you push it in.
Son: That's what she said.
Mom: What?
--30th and Lex
Overheard by: Tom
Lucifer's Still One Stylish Ho
Two hobos are checking out a woman walking by.
Hobo #1: You look like an angel fallen from heaven!
Hobo #2: The angel fallen from heaven is the devil!
Hobo #1: Oh...
--Lafayette & Franklin
Which, Oddly Enough, Also Smell Like Balls
Girl #1: My apartment smells like balls.
Girl #2: That's nothing. I think my neighbor is sniffing my panties in the laundry room.
--28th & Park
Overheard by: Stephanie
Nature or Nurture, NYC Edition
Girl: Mum, I can't get through.
Mum: Honey, I've told you before, you have to push and shove past the people otherwise you'll never get through.
--Rockefeller Center
My Thinking is Crippled
Pedestrian #1: I'm fucking handicapped. I can park anywhere I want to.
Pedestrian #2: If you're handicapped, how come you're walking?
Pedestrian #1: It ain't my legs that's handicapped.
--3rd between A & B
Overheard by: Abby
Lorraine Hansberry is Spinning in Her Grave
Black kid #1: ...you mean the gay nigger?
Black kid #2: No, the black-brown nigger.
--outside Boerum Hill Food Company, Smith Street
The Proctologists Ride The A
Old bag lady: ...but once they stick the epidural in, they can just reach in and pull it out like that!
The very pregnant teenager sitting next to her did not respond...
--R train
Great, Now the Kid's All Horny
A mother and daughter catching snowflakes on their tongues.
Mother: I caught one, did you catch one?
Daughter: Yes!
Mother: Mine was too small, it tasted tiny.
Daughter: I got one!
Mother: What does it taste like?
Daughter: Power!
--2nd Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Alexander Romanovich
Also at "That Party": Titty Woman, Guy Necologist
Girl #1: Oh my God, don't we know him?
Girl #2: Duh, that's Crotchman.
Girl #1: Riiight. From that party.
Girl #2: Yeah.
--Penn Station
Now I Make Justice Disappear!
Queer #1: ...so essentially if I didn't get accepted to NYU for law I would have become a magician.
Queer #2: Really?
Queer #1: Yeah. I have the hat and scarves and everything.
--Dojo, Greenwich Village
Gayest Overheard Ever
Guy #1: Oh my god, did you hear that Tom Ford just left Chanel?!
Guy #2: Really?! I can't believe it, he really turned that brand around.
--Bergdorf Goodman shoe department, 5th Ave.
I'd Be Tempted to Stick a Candle in the Fontanel
Mom: Why don't we take the baby to go pumpkin picking this week?
Dad: No.
Mom: Why not?
Dad: Because it's too dangerous.
--Annadale, Staten Island
Overheard by: flappers
Courtesy in NYC: A Short Story
Chick: One time I saw this old guy fall and drop his cane onto the subway tracks, and it was raining, so we tried to talk people into giving him their umbrella, since he couldn't get the cane--and we were so mad when no one would give us an umbrella, 'cause you can't just buy a cane at Duane Reade.
--6 train
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Not Done Saying Goodbye to The Gates
Old woman: Well, they really aren't that bad.
Old man: Yeah right!
--The Gates
Overheard by: meg
Guy: It cost them like $23 million to put up. I would have liked it more if they paid half as much.
Girl: I would have liked it more if it was a different color. It was described as saffron. It's not. It's orange.
--The Gates
Overheard by: bluesdog
Still Saying Goodbye to The Gates
Haughty woman: It's just fabric! Why do you have to pay $16 million for fabric?
--The Gates
Asian guy: So what's the deal with these orange flags? Do they take them all down and put them up again every year? That's dumb.
--The Gates
Overheard by: Nick
Saying Goodbye to The Gates
Guy: We just saw The Gates. And you know what they are? They're a bunch of curtains in the park. That's right, curtains in the park. You wanna see a bunch of curtains in the park, then go see them. But that's all they are: a bunch of curtains in the park. Oh, yeah, and they're "saffron".
--Newark Airport shuttle
Overheard by: Julie Winterbottom
Woman: So?! They're not dumb to me!
--The Gates
Welcome to NY; Now Get the Fuck Out of Here
Tourist: Excuse me, but do you know how I can get to Penn station?
Woman in camo: Do I look like a fucking tour guide?
Tourist: Now that's what I came to New York to find!
--5th & 82nd
Saffron But Deadly
Guy #1: Have you ever farted inside a piece of public art before?
Guy #2: Yes. I used to fart in the Arch all the time.
Guy #1: Oh...well, then, have you ever farted in a piece of public art by Jeanne-Claude and Christo?
--The Gates
She Has the Black and Gold Sticker on Her Neck
Chick on cell: You know Karen, she's my best friend...well, not my best friend, my Taiwanese best friend...
--Lorimer Street, Williamsburg
But Have You Read Dianetics???
Intellectual: Man, I was reading the Koran the other day. It's such bullshit; the Bible is way better.
--7B, East Village
Daddy's Girlfriends Are Expensive
Mom: You know something? When I was a little girl, my family was so poor that we couldn't even afford Christmas presents! We got fruit in our stocking and that was it, and we were lucky if we could get one birthday present--
Son, 6: But we have money!
--10th Street & 6th Avenue
Readers: Answer This Slang Question
Construction Worker: So is Camel Toe the same as Hammer Time?
--Pace University
Overheard by: Lil
It's Because I Ate All the Bananas
Salesgirl: How'd you get that bruise?
Customer: I was jumproping and I fell.
Salesgirl: Aren't you a little old to be jumproping?
Customer: Aren't you a little fat to be working at The Gap?
--The Gap, 48th & 6th
Prisoner Number 91101
Guy #1: Man, things ain't been the same since my brother died in WTC.
Guy #2: What? He ain't dead; he's in jail, son.
Guy #1: Man, why you gotta--
--E train
It Comes Out As Bran
Hipster Guy #1: So, every morning you eat shit for breakfast?
Hipster Guy #2: Yeah!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Kathleen
Wednesday One-liners...In Bed
Woman: If I'm not ovulating by Thursday, I'm going to be pissed!
--57th between 7th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cal Chemical
Very old man: ...yeah, he slept with many different men in his bed for many years.
--Eye to Eye Vision, Union Square
Overheard by: Rachel W
Thoughtful Wednesday One-liners
Chick: When I first got here from Jersey, I thought I'd let it all out, live my own life, but I quickly realized that was a bad idea.
--Blue Ribbon Sushi, Soho
Overheard by: Abby
Law Student: The Nation is too conservative for her.
--Fordham Law
Overheard by: Patrick Smith
Classy Wednesday One-liners
B&T chick: What I really liked about this guy is that he could write his name in cocaine. And underline it.
--Grand Central food court
Overheard by: Nathan K. Claus
Guy: All I want is for my relatives to die in a certain order.
--University Ave, Bronx
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Flaming Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: It's not like I sucked some guy's dick last...oh wait, I did!
--Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: a.alvarez & c.palmatier
Guy: I'm sorry, I left my foundation at home today.
--The Flame, Clinton
Overheard by: Sandy
Wednesday One-liners, Chelsea
JHS girl: I'll be damned if I let a seventh-grader ruin my reputation.
--8th Ave. playground
Sweaty fat man on cell: I would feel stupid if I were in a diabetic coma.
--8th Ave. between 21st & 22nd
Wednesday One-liners, Matchmaking
Player: Yo, I ain't banged a fat bitch in a while.
--Broadway & Astor Place
Big woman: He looks like a bean...he has no ass!
--Kate Spade, Broome St.
Overheard by: wermice
Misspoken Wednesday One-liners
German: Why those birds suddenly appear? Every time! In the mirror!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Wife: Ooh, look, honey, they've got that Le Courvoisier chair!
--MoMa
Wednesday One-liners
Girl: We're outside now. Now I can entertain you.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: heather
Hobo: Hey Mr. Rockafella, can you help a blackafella?
-- 7th Av & W. 11th
Overheard by: Gillian Glasser
"The problem is, I loved the dog."
Wife: I don't know what you've got to be so sad about. Your boss loves you, the kids love you, I love you, the dog loves you!
--JFK airport bar
Someone Get This Woman into a Soup Can
Dowager: My god darling! The emotion! I feel naked!
--Jackson Pollock painting, MoMA
Overheard by: Anthony Garmont
When Seduction Meets the Special Olympics
Guy: Where do you live again?
Girl: Right over there.
Guy: Can I walk you home?
Girl: But it's right over there...
--Orchard Street
What's the Yiddish Word for Schmuck?
Man on cell: ...well, congratulations! Or should I just say, "oy veh"!
--Midtown lobby
In My Spare Time, I Teach Diction
Chick: I don't have any more cigarettes.
Bag lady: I don't want no cigarette. I ain't no crack addict. I'm a ho.
--outside Ding Dong Lounge, UWS
Terror Alert Level: Cushy
Security guard: You'll have to sit up, there's no slouching allowed on these chairs.
Girl: What?
Security guard: If you don't stop slouching you'll have to leave.
--Time Warner Center, 3rd floor
Overheard by: Suzanne Cunningham
...to Love, Honor and Obey...
Wife: Do whatever you want...it's not my mother who died!
--JFK
Because There Ain't No Dream Houses in Bayside
Tennage Daughter: Would you stop, you are not a barbie girl.
Dad: Yes I am!
Teenage Daughter: No, you aren't.
Dad: How do you know?
--Bayside
Overheard by: Kristen
It Stands for Bitch, Dumb
Girl on phone: I forget what the BD stands for, but I'm pretty sure the SM stand for sado-masochism. My ad was in the platonic section, anyway.
--60th & Columbus
Overheard by: Alaska
FYI: They're Half-price If You Mutilate the Energizer Bunny
Old Man: He tried to sell me 3 batteries for $47.
Old Lady: Who?
Old Man: Satan.
Old Lady: ...what size?
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Jeremey Foster
Readers: Answer This Provincial Question
Yuppie: Like, why do we even have Pennsylvania?
--5th Avenue/53rd St. station
Overheard by: Jamie
"Which one? Dr. Pepper or Scholl?"
Girl #1: I don't know how I got pregnant.
Girl #2: Well, don't you use birth control?
Girl #1: Yes! That's why I don't understand. Right after I had sex I squirted in a lot of that birth control foam cream stuff.
Girl #2: After? You're supposed to put it in before. That's why it prevents pregnancy.
Girl #1: Oh? I didn't know that.
Girl #2: You know you oughta get a IUD. There's nothing to remember or know, they just stick it in there and you can like keep it in there forever!
Girl #1: Who sticks it in?
Girl #2: Forget it. Just go to the doctor like right away like yesterday. Uh, I mean as soon as possible.
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
My Second Love Was Slavery
Spinster #1: Really reminds you of your first love, doesn't it?
Spinster #2: Yeah, that and segregation.
--Hairspray matinee
"Blood Hook" Is Not As Catchy
Guy #1: You know it's just a name the real estate agents came up with so they could raise the rents.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Red Hook.
--B61 bus
Overheard by: Becca McLean
He Fills the Little Ones with Cream
Girl: Can I have that one, please?
Donut Wagon Man: Sure, here you go. That's the Michael Jackson.
Girl: No, I wanted this other one.
Donut Wagon Man: Oh, that's the Janet.
--West Houston and Varick
It Smells Like Cinnamon Up In Here
Chick #1: Well, I wouldn't mind posing in a cadaver.
Chick #2: Yeah, I know that...
--30th & Lexington
Overheard by: Indomitus
Call Me Back, Mom
Woman on cell: Oh baby, I was having a sex dream about you and in it you bit my neck so hard I woke up all sweaty....wait, hold on, my boyfriend is on the other line.
--7 train
Overheard by: Sassy_Girl
If Your Father Hadn't Slapped Me, You Wouldn't Have Been Born
Old woman: Mom, look at this bag. Isn't it cute?
Really old woman: Ewww! No!
She slaps her daughter's wrist.
Really old woman: It's ugly! That color! You have no taste!
Old woman: Jeez, Mom. I just thought it would be a nice bag for spring. You didn't have to slap me.
Really old woman: Now I won't have to look at it! Or you!
--Lord and Taylor
This Weekend: Greenpoint. Next Falls Williamsburg!
Girlfriend: You were supposed to read that article over the weekend. But I guess reenacting World War Two was more important!
--Fort Greene
Overheard by: Faustus
There Goes the Neighborhood
Local guy: Man, wake up, you look like you from Wall Street.
Awakened yuppie: Yeah, something like that.
Local guy: Well, you in the hood now! You better get on that [train across the platform] right away!
--New Lots Avenue station
Overheard by: Satoru Ogawa
Pretension is a Hard Dialect to Pick Up
Girl: She's Dominican? She doesn't talk like the Dominicans!
Guy: Well, she's very well-educated.
--Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum
"And they were wearing old clothes non-ironically!"
Girl #1: This neighborhood has changed so much.
Girl #2: I know, I feel like we live in the ghetto now. There were actually children outside this morning. And they were yelling!
--N. 7th, Williamsburg
"Because it's big in width, not length."
A punk guy whispers in some chick's ear. She retorts with: Oh yeah? Well, if it's so big why don't you bend it backwards, sit on it, and fuck yourself?
--Manitoba's, Ave. B
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Advanced Calculus Gets You Some Pee in the Mouth
HS girl: Man, this school is a ho!
Security guard: Yeah, and you gotta learn how to trick it right to get what you want out of it.
--Bread & Roses High, Harlem
I Thought Mushrooms Were The Bomb in Japan
Guy #1: You know what I found out about Japanese people? They love noodles.
Guy #2: Really?
--Anytime Cafe, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Manlio Lo Conte
For What It's Worth: It's Not Cheating If It's Anal
Woman: But I thought you said it was okay if we slept with other people?
Man: No, I didn't! Why the fuck would I say that?!
Woman: Wasn't that you? I guess not.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
I'm Your Baby Daddy
Girl on cell: ...so I was like, mad drunk or whatever, and the next thing I know this guy's like, "Oh my God! Steph! I haven't seen you in forever!" and I'm like, "Who are you?"
--Penn Station
Lame: Danielle Steele. Lamer: Snarking on Danielle Steele.
Son: I thought you were looking for Danielle Steele?
Mom: I am.
Boy: But isn't that fiction? Why are we in literature?
Mom: Fiction is literature.
Boy: Oh. I thought literature was good writing.
--Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue
Shopping Can Be A Grueling Ordeal
Lady: Where is the restroom?
Einstein: There's one on 4 near the bathrooms, and one up on 6 near the bathrooms.
--Filene's Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Erika Karnell
Readers: Answer This Antiquated Question
Guard: Safety first! That's a Harold Lloyd film. Safety First. 1928. You ever watch any of those old Harold Lloyd films?
--51st between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Crunkyteen
In Cybercafes, Anyone Can Open MS Word and Take Notes...
A scruffy guy is on his cell in an otherwise silent internet cafe. His thoughts: No...it's not in the heart of the city...it's like the artery.
You remember that postcard of New York I sent you for your birthday? I think you can see my building if you look closely...well you know the best pictures of it are in books, and I love you guys, you're my family, but I'm not about to spend $15 on one of those books.
Yeah...I came up with this great analogy yesterday. I said, "If you know little math problems and little words, you'll make a little money, but if you know big problems and big words, you get lotsa money!...I know, I know, I think they got it!
Yeah, well you know 80% of the people I work with are spanish...its not like that in Spokane...so everything here revolves around them...but you know what? The other day one of the girls came up to me and said, "Everyone thinks you're such a nice guy". That was so nice; I wasn't even trying...I didn't know they thought that...see I apply all the stuff you taught me and incorporate it into my lifestyle.
--Internet cafe, E. 33rd between 5th and Madison
Overheard at The Gates II
Informed yuppie: ...yeah, no city money was wasted, it was all self financed.
--The Gates
Grandpa: You're not listening to me!
Grandma: Well, if I listened to you what would you ever have to yell about?
--The Gates
Overheard by: Martha Gelnaw
Little boy: Where are the rides? Mommy, I want to go on the rides!
--The Gates
Overheard at The Gates
Girl on cell: Like, everything's orange. It's so weird.
--The Gates
Sarcastic old man: Oh, excuse me. I'll move so you can get a picture of this pole. A magnificent work of art!
--The Gates
Delivering Pizzas Doesn't Make You a Chef
Scary Punk Teenage Girl: Have you heard of this play Medea?
Not-so-scary Punk Teenage Guy: Yeah, that's a good play. Have you heard of Arthur Miller?
Scary Punk Teenage Girl: Who?
Not-so-scary Punk Teenage Guy: Arthur Miller. He wrote Death of a Salesman.
Scary Punk Teenage Girl: No.
Not-so-scary Punk Teenage Guy: Oh, he died last week. He was 89.
Scary Punk Teenage Girl: Wow, that's terrible. I didn't even know that and I deliver newspapers.
--They Might Be Giants in-store, Border's, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Monica
Deafness: A Constant "Senior Moment"
Businesswoman: I had a senior moment.
Businessman: A seizure?
Businesswoman: No, a senior moment.
Businessman: Brain seizure?
Businesswoman: No, senior!
--Midtown office
Sex and the 6 Train
Girl, 14: I can't imagine laying next to him in bed. He'd have to bring a GPS device.
Boy, 14: Yeah, how to get from point A to point B.
--6 train
Lesbian: Whatever, we can break up, I don't care. You were only good for sex and Scrabble. The sex wasn't even good and I can play Scrabble online.
--6 train
Overheard by: Tom V
"Why Not the Jews? No One's Ever Thought of Killing Them!"
Intellectual: Dude, after September 11th, we had to go kill somebody. Someone had to die.
--Midtown office
Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper
Seceded from Bubblefuck During the War
Guy #1: I don't know. I wouldn't want to live in fucking West Bubblefuck.
Guy #2: Bubblefuck? Yeah?
Guy #1: Well, it's like...3,000 miles away. Damn.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, right.
--1 train
Overheard by: Sarah Cullen
Readers: Answer This Supersweet Question
Guy: Wait, I missed that. So you were born, and then what happened?
--Brooklyn Botanical Gardens
Overheard by: Sherri Feldman
Some NYC History, Overheard Style
Slacker #1: You know that ships used to come up the river and dock in the West Village?
Slacker #2: Really, man?
Slacker #1: Yeah, really. They used to let the sailors out there...yeah, that's where the term "Hey Sailor" came from.
--Prince Street laundromat
Japanese girl: If this is New York, where are Old York?
Japanese Dad: I think that is in England.
--59th & 6th
Overheard by: Svein Brunstad
"If only I remembered what his name was..."
Chick #1: ...and I swear my head rammed into the wall and it's that cheap crappy sheet rock and there's a hole in it now. I'm gonna tell him to write his name on it!
Chick #2: Oh, he'll probably like that.
--The Gap, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
All We Serve is Bitter
Trendy: I'd like a swiss burger and, instead of fries, can I substitute soup?
Waiter: No.
Trendy: OK, it was just a suggestion.
Waiter: Great. You can have it that way when you open your own restaurant.
--Pearl Street diner
Wednesday One-liners: Using Your Mind to Get Ahead
Eurochick: I've got to dance tonight. I didn't make any money here this week.
--Soho salon
Woman on cell: Where are you? I'm lost!...I don't know! I'm uptown. I'm on a corner. I'm in front of a tall building.
--57th & Lex
Overheard by: Heather
Wednesday One-liners for Baseheads
Woman: I smell crack comin'. I'm not buggin', right?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Mike Epstein
Stumbling woman: Shit, my eyesight's so fucking good, I can find crack in the motherfuckin' snow!
--Bowery mission
Overheard by: lancelot quintana
Wednesday One-liners, Again
Girl: ...he had a tattoo of a tornado on his ring finger to remind himself never to get married again.
--Midtown elevator
Hobo: Try a squirrel. Tastes like steak!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: prairie squid
Wednesday One-liners: Genitals Edition
Engineer: Unlike you, I am not always thinking about cock!
--Midtown office
Overheard by: Randy Locklair
Blonde Teen: No. Like it's hairy. Like really hairy. Like I-have-to-trim-it hairy.
--3rd Ave & 11th St.
Overheard by: D O double
Brainy Wednesday One-liners
Construction worker: ...it was like, the biggest skull ever found or
some shit.
--44th & Madison
Teenage girl: I failed the math test so I told Ma I ain't gonna graduate in June. I ain't gotta do anything but stay black and die.
--6 train
Firm Wednesday One-liners
B&T girl: These bra inserts I'm wearing are hard as rocks!
--Tao Asian Bistro, Midtown
Woman: Well, I trusted you before you put your dick in her.
--Tabla Bread Bar, Flatiron District
More Wednesday One-liners
A ghetto guy checks out a girl's ass and says: Damn, yo. I had one like that back in '88. When I was workin' in the mailroom.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Zander
Girl: There is no sperm in the period! Jeez, you're a moron.
--Lincoln Center
Wednesday One-liners
Black guy: Man, Asia and Africa is totally disinterconnected!
--E train
Guy on cell: She has no idea I've been on steroids all week!
--City Hall Park
Overheard by: Bria Dunham
Now Serving: Every Hip Hop Artist Ever
Suit #1: Have you heard of that guy, Usher?
Suit #2: No, should I have?
Suit #1: You know, he's one of those guys with the underwear hanging out of the back of their pants.
Suit #2: You know what? If someone doesn't know what size pants to wear, then I don't need to know them.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: marissa
Short, Sweet and Stupid
Guy #1: She's tired.
Guy #2: So is her.
--7th Ave & 23rd St.
Dating in NYC: A Short Story
Asian chick #1: The thing is, he's a Jewish guy? And like, ya know, a lot of Jewish guys are in to Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah?
Asian chick #1: Yeah. I think it's like because, like, both cultures are so, like, into family? Like Jews are really into family and Asians are really into family?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
Asian chick #1: But also? I think he kind of has an Asian fetish?
Asian chick #2: I hate that.
Asian chick #1: Yeah. He's like...ya know. A nerdy Jewish guy who likes to date Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
Asian chick #1: Yeah, but he's really cute in that way that he's nerdy but he loves Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
--N/R 8th street station
Nor Did I Want to Overhear About It
Suit #1: We've gone through your wallet several times. You've got a condom in there from 1945. Come on.
Suit #2: I go bareback, brother. Do you really wanna hear about my sex life?
--Midtown office
Shouldn't They Be Talking About Sex?
Girl, 4: I have needs, too.
Boy, 4: Your needs? Who cares about your needs? What about my needs?
--M16 bus
Overheard by: Jenny Piston
Vision: Having a Dream of Reaching The End
Guy on cell: ...no, not her. A new chick...Yeah, man, yeah. You know me; I'm anally ambitious. I'm gonna be in her like a gerbil.
--M72 bus
Overheard by: Alexandra
Man #1: So did you get the golden ticket?
Man #2: The what?
Man #1: The golden ticket to the chocolate factory, did you get it?
Man #2: What?
Man #1: Anal! Did you hit her up the butt?
Man #2: Oh! Ha ha...yeah, finally.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Marco Formosa
"...she's at her boyfriend's!"
Drunk: Come on! Just come upstairs with me!
Mistress: No way! Not this time; go home to your wife.
Drunk: But my wife's not home!
--Battery Park City
They Just Can't Compete with Ho Depot
Man: Screws should be free. You shouldn't have to pay for screws.
Woman: Yeah, if I owned a hardware store I'd have free screws all the time.
--74th & Madison
Overheard by: Sarah G.
To Make It Explicit: The Center is Full of Rich Butter
Girl #1: Yeah, that French kid's pretty hot.
Girl #2: His butt is like...it's like a croissant!
Girl #1: Ohmigod, ew. But yeah, it's true.
--1 train
It's Always Magic in the Beginning
Dude: I was assuming this isn't a date, but do you want me to buy your ticket anyway?
Chick: Oh, well I was assuming this was a date so I didn't bring any money with me!
Dude: Okay, well I'll just go ahead and buy this second one then.
--Regal Union Square Cinemas
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
What's Next, $1 for a Water?
Lady: Here.
Pizza Guy: It's $2.25.
Lady: I thought it was $1.50.
Pizza Guy: No, $2.25.
Lady: Oh wow, you guys raised your prices. I've been out of town for a while.
Pizza Guy: No, we didn't. It's $2.25. I don't know where you can get $1.50 pizza...not even Brooklyn.
--Joe's Pizza, West Village
Overheard by: Rachel W
NYC: We Even Have Bad Homeless Comedians
Hobo: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's delivery service? It's called Boyz 2 Men!
Schlub: This guy's good!
--1/9 train
Readers: Answer This Valentine's Overheard Question
Middle-aged guy on cell: How does an eighty seven year old woman get gonorrhea?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: sean sullivan
We overheard that "You can't go nowhere now without seeing faggots".
Girl #1: So you mean he's gay?!
Girl #2: Yeah, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay!
Girl #3: Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god...
Girl #4: Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god...
Girl #2: He's gay, he's gay!
--81st St. B/C station
Overheard by: Tommy Wooh
Guy: But you have to promise, promise, promise, promise you won't tell anyone.
Girl: I promise.
Guy: Yeah, but promise promise promise?
Girl: I promise promise!
Guy: All right. [Sam]'s gay.
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Heather
Girl: Let's get one thing straight...
Guy: I'm not.
Girl: Wait, what?...oh my fucking lord, everyone is fucking gay now! I'll see you in hell.
--Soho
Revealed: The Nexus of All Horrifying Conversation
Homey #1: Yo, hold up...Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches.
--L Train, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Brian McCaffrey
Thug: Damn! You can't go nowhere now without seeing faggots. I saw two brothers holding hands on the train the other day. It's like they were coming out of the closet on the train!
Thugette: There ain't no closet on the train.
--L Train, 8th Avenue
Happy Love Day, NYC Style
Guy: Yeah, well, I am going to give her a Valentine's foot in the ass!
--110th bet. Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Elena Santogade
It Was More of a Simile
Guy #1: Is this that beer I left here last time?
Girl: No, I just can't open it.
He tries to, fails, and says: Oh I see, you mean you can't open it physically.
Guy #2: As opposed to what, metaphorically?
--UES apartment
Overheard by: ian
New York's Finest Philistines
Cop: Photos, painting and other stuff in a museum I appreciate, but this is just bedsheets to me.
--The Gates, CPW
Overheard by: Chris Holm
We're Missing Quite a Backstory
White woman: Ever since our trip to Israel, I just can't bring myself to put ice in my drinks.
Asian Man: I noticed.
--Burger King, 49th & 6th
Overheard by: micah malmstrom
Her BO is Quite German, On the Other Hand
Teen Girl 1: Omigod, she totally promised to stay after and help me take audition pictures, and she bailed on me.
Teen Girl 2: Yeah, she's like the French: "Ve vill help you America! Zhust kidding...ve have to go drink coffee and eat croissants now!"
--Lincoln Center
That's Quite a Speechwriter You've Got There
Caribbean woman: Will dis [wine cooler] drunk me?
Caribbean man: No, that won't drunk you.
--Yvette Clarke for Congress HQ, Crown Heights
Darwin Disproved
Girl in Snapple cap earrings: ...my hamster did that. She used to jump off tables and stairs. She learned after a while to stop at the edge.
--D train
Our Editor Still Loves His Neighborhood
A Russian man was blocking the way out of the store.
American woman: Excuse me.
Russian man: I'm picking my lemons.
American woman: Whadya want us all to do, play leapfrog over you? Move it please.
Russian man: You're stupid.
American woman: Stupid? I got one word for you. Chernobyl! How's that for stupid? Bet you were working there, you fucking asshole. Now move it, you fuckin' retard!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
...and if I order hibachi, she's going to mince my meat.
Suit: I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, I'm not divorced. The bad news is, if I go to Benihana's on Friday I will be.
--Midtown office
Those Humps on Their Backs? Cancer.
Pizza dude: That guy smokes like a camel. Every 5 minutes he's in there. He uses it as an excuse. And then it smells.
--Hotline Pizza, Bensonhurst
The Husband is Always the Last to Know
Boy: Where did Mama go?
Dad: To the ladies' bathroom. She's a lady.
Boy: She's not a lady!
Dad: She's not?
Boy: No way!
--Waldorf-Astoria men's room
The Homeless Are Getting WASPier
Teenage Girl #1: How much longer?
Teenage Girl #2: I think 3 more stops, then we get the L train.
Teenage Girl #1: You kidding me? It's taking forever, I feel like we're in Connecticut!
--C train
"...yeah, so I slapped his wife for good luck."
Guy on cell: ...so then he just punched me, yeah! Just punched me right in the face. Well I figured I oughta get dressed and leave her room, yeah, he was pissed...No, she's his only kid.
--Empire State Building
Then My Telegraph is a Choir
Suit #1: You wanna hear one with great lyrics, that's "Fascinating Rhythm".
Suit #2: Yeah?
Suit #1: Yeah. "Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah"
Suit #2: Yeah, those guys were poets.
--Midtown office
Wow, A Real Life Superhero
Comic book guy: As soon as I get on the train I felt someone reach over and start mussing my hair. And without even looking up I said to myself, "Yup, that's Lou". He was going on the stairs--he was going to transfer for the N--and there were all these people yelling, "Oh my god! Someone got pushed into the tracks!" So he goes, "Well, looks like I'm taking the Q!"
--Midtown Comics (east)
Promoting Sexy Racist Stereotypes: the Men
Girl with hideous fur hat: How were the interviews today?
Girl with birkenstocks and socks: They didn't hire the black candidate. They suck.
Girl with hideous fur hat: Why not?
Girl with birkenstocks and socks: Because he had a big dick, duh.
Girl with hideous fur hat: Oh, OK.
--5th Avenue & 54th Street
Overheard by: Julia
Promoting Sexy Racist Stereotypes: the Women
Hispanic girl: ...yeah, I like that, it's cool, but do they have it in a 16?
White girl: I think they only have 12s and 6s left.
Hispanic girl: Well, I'm not really a 16. It's just this huge ass I have here. If you don't count that, I'm a 12.
--Old Navy, Chelsea
Girl #1: I didn't ask to be born.
Girl #2: Yeah, I didn't ask our parents to be born into this cold, hard, cruel world.
Girl #1: Yeah!
Girl #2: On top of everything I had to be born black too, and a woman!
Girl #1: Yeah!
Girl #2: ...but I was born light-skinned and have a big ass!
--Matsuri, Chelsea
Overheard by: Tamika J.
A Real Celebrity Submission!
Janeane Garofalo: ...so I just cover my whole body in Gold Bond powder.
--1st Ave. & 3rd St.
Actually, Chubbies are Purplish
Woman on cell: ...hon, she had a gut!
Little boy: Mom, chubby is the new black.
--75th & Broadway
Now If Only They Could Find Dahmer, Manson and the Unabomber
Teen #1: ...yeah, so now Saddam Hussein's on trial or whatever, and like--
Teen #2: Whoa, whoa! They captured Saddam Hussein?! When did this happen?!
Teen #1: Like a year ago, dumbass. Jeez you're slow. Anyway--
--1/9 34th St. Station
Our Worst Fears Confirmed
New Yorker: You drove like a maniac. Do you have any idea what the speed limit is in New York?
Cabbie: Cab drivers do not have speed limits in New York.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Peter
Where Are They Now: Jack Skellington
Businessman: He's got to start working at the gym. He's gained 20 pounds; I said I'm going to start rolling him around the parking lot. His head is as round as a pumpkin, and he's bald!
--Midtown office
...whereupon 8 guys yelled out theirs.
A jazz singer was playing his set, and a girl yelled out her phone number. He yelled back: I ain't gay, but it's worth a shot.
--55 Bar, Christopher St.
Overheard by: Tyler Shields
Readers: Give Him a Wry Retort
British Lady: I have a sharp pain in my bladder.
British Guy: Maybe you're pregnant.
British Lady: How would you know?
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Katherine O'Brien
Today's Special: In-bread
Guy: Ma'am, does the split pea with ham soup have wheat in it? I can't have wheat. Do you know if it has wheat in it?
Soup Lady: Meat? It’s got ham, man! Says so on the sign!
Guy: No, wheat! Wheat?
Soup Lady: Oooh! Lemme check...HEY SAM, DOES THE SPLIT PEA HAVE WHEAT IN IT?
Sam: Meat?
Soup Lady: No, wheat!
Sam: Nah. It don't have no wheat!
Guy: Okay, good. I'll have a large cup of the split pea soup.
Soup Lady: Would you like a wheat roll with that?
--Juilliard cafeteria
Overheard by: H J W
Uh oh. I'm not married or gay...
Chick #1: I have never been in love! Never never ever! Can you believe it?
Chick #2: Really? Wow! Well, look what's out there.
Chick #1: I know! All the good ones are married, all the cute ones are gay, and the rest look like Shrek! All I want to do is meet a really sweet nice guy whos gorgeous and musical and creative and sweet like Jack White! Oh my god, he's a god!
Chick #2: That White Stripes guy that punched someone out?
Chick #1: Yeah, he's my idea of a perfect guy! God I love him!
Chick #2: Look! I got chocolate!
Chick #1: Yeah! Chocolate!
--Otto's Shrunken Head, East Village
Should Have Dressed Up Like the Magdalene
Woman, 30s: So I go to his apartment last night after our date, and there's all this Jesus stuff all over. I said, "Tell me this stuff is your roommate's." He gives me this shocked look. Turns out he's born again! I was so pissed; I thought I was gonna get laid...
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Ursus Standingbear
Eat Some Wednesday One-liners
Nylon sweat suit guy: I need a nice homecooked meal. I think I'm gonna go to Tad's.
--50th & 6th
Blonde: I don't diet. I just eat moderately.
--Maggie's, 47th & Madison
Wednesday One-liners: the Resurrection
Woman: She said she want to make more than 8 dollars. I said, "Honey, you ain't makin' no 20 dollars unless you sell drugs."
--Bowery
Overheard by: Stephanie Emilienburg
Girl on cell: I think the truth is rotting into your brain, that's why you're getting migraines.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Rych
Wednesday One-liners, Yet Again
Guy: 100 bucks! Can you believe it? 100 bucks and all I had to do was suck on his toes for a while!
--Soho
Overheard by: J. B. Palka
Hobo preacher: You might as well just start wiping your ass with your
college diploma, because that's all they're good for anyway.
--Union Square
I Can't Believe It's Wednesday One-liners
Girl: So then I asked everyone, "Who's ever had anal?" and then he turned around...
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Girl: Cattle? Who said anything about cattle? Now chickens...they're fun to molest sometimes.
--Fort Greene
Fuckin' Wednesday One-liners
Hipster: Of course I saw her fuck him--I was watching!
--Grand St, Williamsburg
Guy: I even thought about taking him to the tranny bar, you know, so he could be free.
--Sounds, St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Wednesday One-liners, Again
Truck driver: Hey you!...Honey...yeah, you...you're number one...you're the best of the day, you win!
--Long Island City
Woman: I don't usually spend $40 on chapstick, but I really wanted it.
--1st & 52nd
Wednesday One-liners
Hipster: We don't need to go to your stupid party. We've got smack, man.
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Mike Epstein
Player: Listen man, all I've figured out so far is that you have to stay away from the ones with tattoos on their back.
--Washington Square Park
Surely He Meant Our Publisher
Hobo: You are very beautiful...you look like a movie star. Like Morgan Freeman.
Girl: Huh?
Hobo: Er, no, Morgan...Fairchild. Yeah, Morgan Fairchild.
--Bedford Ave. station
Fun at the SI Ferry (It Is Possible)
A businesswoman throws up over the edge of the ferry. A chick walks up to help her, and then admonishes the ignoring crowd standing around her: You should all be ashamed of yourselves for not helping this poor woman!
Headphones Guy: Fuck you!
Chick: What if it was you getting sick over the rail?
Headphones Guy: Fuck you! I don't get sick!
--Staten Island Ferry
Guy #1: Don't you think that makes sense?
Guy #2: No, it doesn't make sense, which is why I think we're going to fucking get arrested!
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: David Lock
We're Immune to Gravity Now?
Woman on cell: I'm telling you, men just don't have to go through anything like this. They just don't. I fell at Dunkin' Donuts today. I fell. I hadn't eaten a thing all day.
--UES elevator
The Greatest Submission Ever
The cashier hands coupon back to customer.
Customer #1: So the coupon is expired? What does that mean? It's no good?
Customer #2 tells her friend: We should soooo submit this to Overheard.
--Staples, 6th & 23rd
Overheard by: Customer #3, submitting this in case #2 never got around to it.
You Don't Have to Be McStupid to Work Here, But It Helps!
Guy, 20s: Umm...the half & half curdled when I put it in my coffee.
McWorker: You want a napkin?
Guy, 20s: No, I want another coffee. The half and half curdled.
The McWorker pours him a new one and yells to someone way in the back: There's something wrong with the cups!
--McDonald's, Flatbush Ave & Snyder St
Well, Alexander Hamilton Is My Idol
Storeworker: Can't you at least pick up what you dropped?
Customer: I can't bend. I have a bad back.
Storeworker: Why don't you pretend it's a ten dollar bill? Bet you'd dive pretty quick for that, wouldn't you?
--Marshall's, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
The Spiro Agnew Excuse
College girl #1: I really want to live alone, but they won't let me move out of the dorm.
College girl #2: Tell them you have leprosy.
--F train
I'd Like to Take You Up on Some Space Invading
Naked woman #1: Why are you staring at me?
Naked woman #2: I'm not staring. It's a public place, I'm not invading your space.
Naked woman #1: I don't care if you invade my space, I just don't want to be sucking on your nanas.
--Locker room, NYSC, Midtown
Close Encounters of the New York Kind
A hobo sits begging with outstretched hands. Another hobo walks by and comments: Aw man, you ain't even got a cup!
--Soho
Girl in line: Oh, you like cats?
Guy in line: Well, I used to work with tigers.
--Williamsburg bodega
We Couldn't Believe It Either
Hippiechick: You can't hug your child with nuclear arms.
--F Train
Overheard by: Erica Bergin
Guy: ...it's like...you can't hug your child with nuclear arms!
--Bubba Gump's, Times Square
I Believe Our Children Are The Future
Schoolgirl #1: The sun rises in the west and sets in the east, right?
Schoolgirl #2: No, no, no! It rises in the east! Girl, you need to learn your temperatures!
--N train
Parenthood: The Domain of the Privileged Few
Gen X Girl on cell: ...yeah, totally. It's like, last night, I had sex with this guy and the condom broke. And like I'm ovulating. And I like totally can't remember this guy's name. Whatever.
--M31 bus
Son: I'm really glad you're drinking again, you know...just not so much.
--Mon Petit Cafe, UES
Yep, That's Everyone
Angry Guy: Fuck New England. Fuck people from Boston. Fuck Pats' fans, fuck Red Sox fans, fuck Ben Affleck, fuck Denis Leary, fuck Harvard, fuck MIT, fuck Aerosmith, fuck the Pixies, fuck David Foster Wallace, fuck Boston Cream pie and clam chowder and Sam Adams, fuck Dr. Spock, fuck pahking your cah in Hahvahd Yahd, fuck Sacco and Vanzetti, fuck Paul Revere, fuck 'em all.
--Borough Park
Out of the Mouths of Babes II
Woman #1: I'm seeing this guy who's really nice and he's rich, he's loaded, but he doesn't turn me on at all. I never come. But he keeps asking me to marry him! I know I'll never get this opportunity again. I dunno what to do.
Woman #2: Marry him and buy a vibrator!
Woman #1: Oh my god, I never thought of that! That's exactly what I'll do. Gee, thanks, great idea!
--Hot dog stand, 40th & 7th
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Winter in Brooklyn: A Very Short Story
Teen chick: ...so I shoved him and he fell. He lost his cell phone. He didn't realize until later when he said "let me take a picture" and his phone was gone. He had it on silent, so we had to walk all around in the snow to find it.
--Bensonhurst
Looks Like A Hack Just Got One Year Older
Guy: Happy Birthday!
Woman in Bday hat: Happy Birthday? I'm old enough to be your fucking mother. Wait, how the fuck old are you?
Guy: 30.
Woman: OK, maybe not, but old enough to be your father's younger sister's kid's mother.
--outside Comic Strip Live, UES
Terrified of Old Men Screaming Profanities
Girl #1: He really scares me.
Girl #2: He's the Pope! That's totally sacrilege.
Girl #1: I know, but he has Tourette's or something.
Girl #2: Or the flu.
Girl #1: Whatever.
--6 train
I Know A Guy Who Might Be Interested
Woman, 70s: ...she's had a heart attack, her legs don't work, and on top of all that, she's crazy!
--St. Vincent's Hospital elevator
Overheard by: Jay Parkinson
They Managed to Shift Him to Screwing the Elderly
Man: I never met a necrophiliac, but my friend met one at Bellevue.
--La Grolla, UWS
Wait, What Did His Family Do?
An activist tries to give a guy a pamphlet.
Guy: I don't believe in human rights.
Activist: I hope a tyrant kills your family!
--Times Square
With Some Notable Exceptions
Girl: Well, Shakespeare thought women were more smart.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: nappytee
If It's in a Museum, You've Missed the Point
Black guy: ...it's an endangered species! It must be preserved in a museum!
--Westway Diner, 9th Ave.
Yeah, But We Got to Kill the Bastard
Woman: I know why you're doing this [handing out flyers.]
Jew for Jesus: Oh, why?
Woman: Because you're jealous that we have Christmas and you all want to be able to put up a tree and lights and decorate!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
I Think It's Called Learning...
Bubbly blonde: Isn't it amazing how you don't know how to do something and then you do?
--Rockefeller Center Cafeteria
Overheard by: emma
Who Interprets the Floor of the Subway as a Toilet?
Hip Woman: Excuse me, I think you dropped your Metrocard.
UES Woman: I know. It's not any good anymore.
Hip Woman: Oh, so now the floor is a garbage can?
UES Woman: That depends on your interpretation.
Hip Woman: Who interprets the floor of the bus as a garbage can? Man, I sure would hate to see your apartment.
--M15 bus
Maybe Three Isn't A Crowd...
Yuppie chick: Remember when I showed you that e-mail and it was like one big nervous laugh? He was talking like that, a mile a minute, and I asked, "Are you supercaffeinated?" "No," he said, he gave up coffee. And he's like, "So, what are you doing?" And he invited me out to MoMA with Sara, his girlfriend. How awkward would I be? So I basically bailed at that point. So he's like, "The next time we're in the city is the 29th for the opera."
--D train
"...and most of my archenemies are cultured."
Fashion girl: Do you want to go to a talk about The Gates next week?
Fashion guy: Sure, some of my best friends are gates.
--F train
"...and gimme a cheese with nuttin'."
Cashier: Do you want anything on it?
Buyer: What?
Cashier: Do you want anything on your hot dog?
Buyer: Yes.
Cashier: What would you like?
Buyer: Nothing.
--Papaya's, 86th & 3rd
"Speak up. I CAN'T HEAR YOU."
Woman on phone: Um, like, there are no one-legged dancers. But there are deaf dancers! You could be one!
--66th & Broadway
Our City is Better Than Yours, and Here's Why
Subway comic: Ladies, special today is used pregnancy tests. I've got negative and positive. Gentlemen, you won't need to go on Maury. I got Viagra Snickers bars, straight from the nursing home. And for all you people who lift weights, this just in: Barry Bonds' used steroid needles. I'm here for one reason and one reason only, so dig deep in your wallet and pocketbook...Wooh! I got a dollar! I can buy a superbubble and some chips! For every $5 or $10 you give me, it takes me one step closer to college. For every $100 or $200 you give me, I won't need college. My name is Crazy Jay! Look for me, and thanks for being nosey!
--D train
Proof! They're A-holes Even to Each Other
Strand cashier: It's like that when I go downstairs. I get all creeped out. It's like, "Wait a minute! Why do I feel like the new guy? I've been here a year and a half!"
--The Strand
...And Sometimes We Overhear Great Wisdom
Smart teen girl: How come when people lose something they say, "I found it in the last place I looked."? I mean, of course once they find it they're gonna stop looking for it.
--LaGuardia baggage claim
We Can Fatten 'Em Up with Puppies Chow
Woman: That Chinese food was so cheap.
Man #1: That's because it was either dog or koala meat.
Man #2: Aren't koalas endangered?
Man #1: No, they're not endangered. They're just starving.
--Downtown elevator
Then It Goes Perfectly With My...
Guy: What's that on your finger?
Girl: It's a ring.
Guy: I think your ring has an infection.
--South Street Seaport
So That's Where She Left Her Engagement Ring!
Girl: I've been with an equal number of men and women, and let me tell you: more men ask for a couple fingers up their ass than women.
Guy: Oh yeah, a little prostate massage.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: CityRag
This Is Why Our Editor Loves His Neighborhood
American woman: Don't push me. I saw you trying to get ahead of me!
Russian woman: What you talking about? I did not.
American woman: You did, too! You're all the same, so goddamn pushy.
Russian woman: What, what you think I am? Look at me! What you think I am? What I look like to you?
American woman: Well, I'd say you look like a fat big mouthed bleach blonde bitch whore!
Russian woman: What? I get my husband on you!
American woman: Go ahead! I'm sure he's home and not working. You're all here for a free handout!
The Russian woman storms out to find her husband.
American woman: What did she want? She asked what do I look like so I told her. I was only being honest!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Readers: Give Her a Clever Comeback
Girl #1: Ohmigosh, I just bought scratch 'n sniff underwear! With an apple on it!
Girl #2: Why the hell would you want to scratch your ass and then sniff it?
--66th & Broadway
That's Right; He Escaped Into Homelessness
Hobo #1: Who open the doors and let you out?
Hobo #2: I escaped, muthafucker!
--West 4th Street
Overheard by: Joshua Mueller
By "Pushy Obnoxious Woman" We Mean "New Yorker"
A pushy, obnoxious woman tries to cram her way onto the subway before the passengers exiting even get a chance to get out the door. She screams: If you would get out of the way and let me on first, then you can get off!
--Penn Station
Must We Judge Dakota Fanning So Harshly?
Businesswoman on cell: If you told me she was 75 or 76, I'd say she looks fabulous. If you told me she was 73, I'd say she isn't aging well at all.
--M101 bus
It Takes a Village to Braise a Child
Hipster girl: So, I was thinking, wouldn't it be great if you could just eat yourself? You would never gain any weight. Actually, you would lose weight like crazy because it would be the best of both worlds: you wouldn't be consuming any calories, and your metabolism wouldn't slow down like it does when you just don't eat.
Guy: Um, are you serious?
Hipster girl: Yeah, I mean, it would be awesome! Think about it: I mean, how great would it be if I could just start gnawing the fat straight off my leg right now? Like, "Mmm, leg." You know? And it would be, like, totally calorie-free!
Guy: Um, not really? That's kind of gross and cannibalistic.
Hipster girl: Whatever. One day I'm gonna publish a book on this shit and have, like, a cult following, and then you'll be sorry you didn't think it was a good idea.
--N train
Slang Explained, for Us Old People Over 21
Girl, 18, #1: ...so Mikey and I were in the car and Annie came and opened the door and was like "Oops!" Cause we went to Germany.
Girl, 18, #2: Germany?
Girl, 18, #1: You know, "Jerk me" is like "Germany". So we say we're "going to Germany".
--D train
I'm Sure Your Brother is Saying the Same Thing
Guy on cell: ...so I say to her, "Why the hell do you have a cell phone if you don't use it?". God, my brother is an asshole and my girlfriend is a moron!
--Clinton Street
Overheard by: nappytee
Readers: Answer This Overheard Question Without Using the Word "Bitch"
Irate man: ...so what?! Does she want me to buy her another dog?!
--Perry & Hudson
Completely Different from the Puma and Panther Costumes
Girl: ...yeah, so everyone has to go dressed as something that starts with a P.
Illiterate: I'll go dressed up as a lion!
--Astoria
Overheard by: Lola
A Benetton Ad, It Isn't
A black girl tries to squeeze past twin asian chicks and a little asian boy to get into the train.
Black girl: Do you mind?
Asian chick #1: Don't be rude, can't you go around us?
Black girl: I don't move around people; they move around me.
Asian chick #1: You're inside now, so please stop yelling at us.
Black girl: You are so rude! Is that how you talk to people in front of your child?
Asian chick #1: You know, I'm tired of listening to your crap. Talk to the hand.
Asian boy: Yeah, you talk too much. Talk to the hand!
--A train
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