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March 2005 Archives
The Question On Everybody's Lips
Guy #1: Aw...
Guy #2: What happened?
Guy #1: That Terri Schiavo, the one with the feeding tube. She died.
Guy #2: Yeah, that's too bad...I wonder what would happen if you were to blow air through the feeding tube. Do you think she would fart?
--The Westminster lobby, 20th & 7th
Out of the Mouths of Babes: Howard Dean is a Commie!
Little girl #1: My dad wants to write books but doesn't.
Little girl #2: Why not?
Little girl #1: Well, he's busy.
Little girl #2: Why doesn't he just quit his job and start writing a book?
Little girl #1: I dunno...maybe because we won't have any money?
Little girl #3: Ooh, then you could move to Vermont!
--F train
If Only the Conductor Could Hear That Witty Retort...
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a smoke condition at Chambers Street. We will be delayed pulling into 42nd Street.
Teen boy: What the fuck is a smoke condition? My mom has a smoke condition. Subways don't.
--1 train
Surely She Doesn't Mean Ronald reggiN?
Woman: ...you know, he was much darker than the other kids who were really white, so he was called a nigger. He was dyslexic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bitten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was lying there with blood on him. He didn't scream or say a word...a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talking about?
--Times Square
$5 Says She Wears Her Clothes Into The Machine
Chick: I got a washing machine at home but it don't fit. I got too many clothes.
Guy: Ain't you never heard of loads?
Chick: What you mean?
Guy: Doing it once at a time.
Chick: Shoot, I be doing clothes forever if I do that shit.
--Herald Square
Overheard by: Trish
Readers: Answer This Mindblowing Question
Girl on cell: How's your aneurysm? I mean, you're still alive, right?
--Hunter College
The Short Bus to the Candy Shop
HS girl: Do you listen to 50 Cent? Oh, my god, he is so good!
HS guy: Do you know what they say when you are listening to 50 Cent?
HS girl: What do they say?
HS guy: What are you listening to when you have two quarters next to your ear?
HS girl: Ha, ha...I don't get it.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Ting
Your Mobile Is Kind of Crappy
Girl in stall: Oh, shit, I dropped my phone in the toilet!
The phone rings.
Girl in stall: And how the hell am I supposed to answer that now?!
--2nd Ave Deli bathroom
Overheard by: Rue Silver
I "Read Somewhere" That Your Lady Friend is a Moron
Tourist woman: I had no idea the Guggenheim Museum was so cheesy looking. What's it made out of? Is that papier mache or something?
Tourist man: Well, I remember reading somewhere that Frank Lloyd Wright really was a nut.
--5th Ave. & 88th St.
Overheard by: Galen Chistopher
Mouthfuls of Wednesday One-liners
Scottish chick on cell: He's sort of like the John Tesh of tonsils, isn't he?
--60th & 1st
Overheard by: zunshyn
Guy: I think I know enough about compound plastic to perform basic dentistry.
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Kathryn Galloway
Tech kid: I can, like, smell which microphone you're using.
--NYU Education building, Washington Square east
Gross! Wednesday One-liners
Old man: I don't even like taking the subway anymore because the tiling is so disgusting.
--28th Street station
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Guy: Every time I see him, I want to wash myself.
--South Street seaport
Queer on cell: Whores! You are W-H-O-R-E dash I-B-L-E. That's what you are. You're whore-ible.
--50th between 8th & 9th
Missing Pieces of Wednesday One-liners
Bald spot chick: I'm bipolar, depressed, and I have a personality disorder, but the doctor says if I quit pulling out my hair he'll change me from twenty-four medicines to nineteen.
--Broadway & 51st
Woman: I don't care how blind you are, you gotta cover your ears when that happens.
--23rd & 7th
Woman: There aren't enough websites for club-thumbs on the internet.
--Midtown office
Wednesday One-liners: The Next Generation
Thug: I need a girl who's responsible and don't got no kids.
--40th & 5th
Dude: Are we talking about the truth now? The truth is that you're scared that she's going to take your son away from you!
--27th Street office
Black guy on cell: Yeah, it was actually all right. We were both circumcised.
--Union Square greenmarket
Overheard by: Lisa Ramaci
Lunchtime! Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: My life is a falafel. No, no, wait, it's a pita. My life is a pita.
--Broadway & Astor Place
Teen boy: When I get home, I'm gonna get me one of them nutrient shake shits.
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Jon Graboff
Woman: I didn't like the emu there. I'm not going to like it here.
--Eight Mile Creek, Mulberry Street
Overheard by: james uphoff
Wednesday One-liners: The Animals
Receptionist: It takes two shots to bring down a bengal tiger! Two!
--20th Street office
Overheard by: Animal
Chick on cell: Oh, so honey, they aren't actually tents for dogs; they're just tiny display tents for the large ones.
--North Face, 73rd & Broadway
Woman: She feeds chickens to other chickens. It's gross. It's like, if there was a husband and wife, she would chop up the husband and feed him to the wife.
--1/9 train
Wednesday One-liners, the Play
British guy: Two tickets to Grand Central, please.
--Bowling Green station
Overheard by: Kirsten Teasdale
Woman on cell: I'm not going to punch her in the mouth, Danny.
--Grand Central station
Suit: You're ruining my life, you pot-smoking whore!
--34th & Broadway
Children of Wednesday One-liners
Schoolgirl: ...then the teacher said "Silence". Silence is just a fancy word for "Shut the fuck up".
--Union Square station
Black mom: Spatula, I've got two words for you: be-have!
--6th Avenue salon
Boy, 8: Sorry, Dad. I had to stop because my peg-leg got stuck!
--Park Slope
Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: ...but don't worry; us Republicans know what you're up to!
--Sullivan & W. 3rd
Woman on cell: Uh huh...yeah...right...uh huh...uh huh...the one you thought was underwear...uh huh...right...
--Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: I am so not dressed for a strip club!
--Times Square
The Euthanasia Case: A New Yorker's View
Dude: If Terri Schiavo's head was filled with oil Dubya would drill into her skull himself.
--Q train
Overheard by: Mr. Tips
"...on the other hand, it does shit itself all the time."
Guy on cell: They showed me the baby's room and the crib had all these crazy functions I couldn't understand. The baby even has a walk-in closet filled with clothes and it's only 2 days old! They just bought a new stroller too...it probably has a built-in MP3, CD and DVD player.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Astrid Vanderpool
"You mean the dude from the 52nd state?"
Teen chick #1: Ooh, I know! Your nickname should be Che.
Teen chick #2: Huh?
Teen chick #1: You know, like that guy on the T-shirts.
--Jamba Juice, Houston & Mercer
Not Quite the Next Ad Campaign
Tourist: A small Coke, please.
Pizza guy: Coke is illegal. You'll go to jail. How 'bout a Pepsi?
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Animal
No Gift Says "Class" Like Half-finished Champagne
Woman: He wouldn't let me leave the store until I bought the champagne. So I bought it and went home and started drinking it, and it was the best stuff ever! I'd gone through half the bottle when I thought I should stop, so then I went over and gave it to the neighbors.
--6 train
Readers: Answer This Lascivious Question
Woman: Why are you smiling and licking your lips at me? Do you do this to all the customers?
--J & R Music World, Park Row
Overheard by: mimi lester
I Myself Just Went From Pretty Good to Pretty Bitchy
Girl #1: She was so pretty.
Girl #2: Good pretty or bitchy pretty?
Girl #1: Can you, like, recognize a nosejob when you see one?
Girl #2: Why? Are you thinking of getting one? You don't need it.
Girl #1: No, I just wanted to go hang out someplace where people have had a lot of plastic surgery.
--B61 bus
Translation: I Crave Cock
Husband: Sex with you is great, but it's no substitute for pepperoni!
--Stop & Shop supermarket, Ridgewood
Overheard by: Dawn
(Funny Because the Skinhead Beat the Mom Afterwards)
A blonde bumpkin boy stared silently at the heavily tatooed skinhead for 10 minutes before he made his observation: You know what you are? You're a human doodle pad!
--PATH train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Margo Channing
Why The Fuck Are You Surprised?
Girl: Why the fuck is that other train moving?
Boy: Because that train isn't fucking defective.
Girl: Whatever.
--1 train
"...my daughter actually swallows."
Guy #1: So you like that girl?
Guy #2: Yeah, so far.
Guy #1: Well, don't get married. Unless you wanna have kids; that's the only reason to get married.
Guy #2: You married?
Guy #1: Yeah.
Guy #2: You have kids?
Guy #1: Yeah, thank god.
--55th Street between 1st & 2nd Ave.
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
The George Strait Enema Ain't All That
Guy: They're George Strait jeans.
Girl: I love George Strait. He's a hottie.
Guy: He only gives his name to the best.
Girl: Didn't he give his name to that tractor place?
Guy: It must have been the best tractor.
--NYU Law commons area, W. 3rd St.
Overheard by: Micah Prude
More Like Man-dog
Teen #1: Damn, kid! Your face mad hairy!
Teen #2: I'm a grown-ass man, dog.
--A train
They Eat It Here, Too (Chelsea, Mostly)
Black woman: In Japan or Asia, one of those countries, I hear they eat penis. Like in the restaurants, I mean.
--Shakespeare & Co., Flatbush
Overheard by: Ford Madox Hueffer
Readers: Answer This Antique Question
Man on cell: The Golden Girls DVD?...Why not?
--Astoria
Overheard by: spygirl
Still Makes More Sense Than an Old Man in the Sky
Little Asian boy: Mommy, is it true that the world is run by giants who plug it in and make it spin?
Mom: Where did you hear that?
Little Asian boy: I made it up.
--N train
Overheard by: Harmony
My Guess: Bronx Science
HS girl #1: So exactly how many states are there?
HS girl #2: 52.
HS girl #3: I thought there were only 50.
HS girl #2: That's because they never count Haiti and Cuba.
--F train
Overheard by: Ting
Neither Does The Internet, But Here We Are
Cashier Lady #1: What I'ma do if I gotta go to the pussy doctor? Tell the boss I gotta itch in my pussy?
Cashier Lady #2: Yeah, you gotta protect your privacy.
Cashier Lady #1: They don't gotta know all about my pussy's issues.
--Hunter College cafeteria
Overheard by: Carrie
Now She's Brown and Gray-ish
Fordham girl #1: Is your miniature poodle white?
Fordham guy #2: No, she's dead. But yeah, she was white.
--60th & Columbus
It's Not Like We Can Dump Our Trash at Ground Zero...
Teenage girl: What the fuck is Staten Island anyway?
Teenage boy: Seriously. It could float away and no one would give a shit.
--1/9 train
At Least They'll Stop Taking American Jobs
Girl #1: Have you heard? I read dolphins are committing suicide together in ever larger numbers.
Girl #2: Is that good or bad for us?
--Dumbo
Easter Isn't Just About Cadbury Creme Eggs
Dealer: I got ecstacy, I got crystal meth, I got hydro...OK, y'all have a nice holiday.
--Washington Square park
Overheard by: Mark Asch
Street Preacher: Have you found Jesus?!
Guy #1: Why? Did you lose him?
Street Preacher: Have you found your Lord, our Savior, Jesus Christ?
Guy #2: Next time, try using better fucking nails!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: eb
Guy: I think her Easter eggs say "Satan" on them.
--27th Street office
A True NYer: He Overheard Them, But He Didn't Help Them
Chick #1: What street are we getting off at again?
Chick #2: 59th street.
Chick #1: I hope we are on the right train.
Chick #2: Of course we are. I think it's the next stop.
Conductor: This is 72nd street, transfer to the 1,2,3 trains--
Chick #1: There's the express. Should we switch trains?
Chick #2: No, we'll switch at 50th street.
--Uptown #9 train
Overheard by: Marc
Jimmy Fallon and Latifah Have Already Optioned the Rights
Old white veteran: Why can't I walk? Did I have a stroke?
Black lady aide: You can walk.
Old veteran: Then who's that wheelchair belong to?
Black lady aide: You can walk, but you can't walk far.
--VA Center, St. Albans, Queens
Overheard by: Eddie Blanco
Dating in NYC (2 Short Stories)
Punk girl: Ella really is kind of a whore for doing that to Brennan. Even if Brennan is a dickhead, she shouldn't let him think she's cheating on him. Why make yourself look like a whore if you're really not?
Stylish girl: Yeah, you're right. She's just making herself look like a whore.
Punk girl: I wonder if Brennan is single. I'd like to hook up with him.
--5th Ave. between 54th and 55th
Overheard by: the rat
Dancer: ...and she's like, 25, and has never been on a date! Ever!
Ballerino: No fucking way. Is she retarded?
Dancer: I don't think so. I think she's just obsessed with ballet.
Ballerino: Go figure.
--Juilliard cafeteria
He Did Look Kind of Sexy, Laying There
Suit #1: There was some great tail at that funeral.
Suit #2: Oh yeah!
--28th & 5th
Overheard by: brp
The Third Meaning of "Pearl Necklace"
Chick #1: You know what the best orgasm I ever had was? I jerked off with my mom's jewelry in frount of the mirror. I liked watching it go in and out and thinking that she was going to be wearing it later.
Chicl #2: Oh god! Did you wash it after?
--Bally's, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Two Kinds of Frigid
Girl #1: God, it's really snowing out. I hope I make it home in one piece.
Girl #2: Is that you're way of saying you'd like to sleepover?
Girl #1: No, that's my way of saying I'd rather risk death than stay here with you.
--44th & 2nd
The Safety Word is "iPod"
Jogger Guy: This is totally just a warmup for a night of hot bondage sex.
Jogger Girl: I know!
--President and Court St.
Overheard by: Todd Martin
Rush Hour: No Longer Just a Movie
Commuter: Are there delays?
Token booth collector: No ma'am, there are no delays at this station.
Commuter: Then why are there more people than trains?
--Fulton Street station
Cinderella Y2K5
Man: Are you ok?
Woman: Oh, I'm not drunk, it's these shoes.
--Marriott Marquis, Times Square
One to Grow On: 1 in 5 People Get Busy at Night
Portuguese guy: ...so where are you from?
Chinaman: From China. Did you know 1 out of every 5 people is Chinese? The Chinese are very quiet. But we are very busy...especially at night.
--6 train
Overheard by: heyhay