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March 2005 Archives
The Question On Everybody's Lips
Guy #1: Aw...
Guy #2: What happened?
Guy #1: That Terri Schiavo, the one with the feeding tube. She died.
Guy #2: Yeah, that's too bad...I wonder what would happen if you were to blow air through the feeding tube. Do you think she would fart?
--The Westminster lobby, 20th & 7th
Out of the Mouths of Babes: Howard Dean is a Commie!
Little girl #1: My dad wants to write books but doesn't.
Little girl #2: Why not?
Little girl #1: Well, he's busy.
Little girl #2: Why doesn't he just quit his job and start writing a book?
Little girl #1: I dunno...maybe because we won't have any money?
Little girl #3: Ooh, then you could move to Vermont!
--F train
If Only the Conductor Could Hear That Witty Retort...
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a smoke condition at Chambers Street. We will be delayed pulling into 42nd Street.
Teen boy: What the fuck is a smoke condition? My mom has a smoke condition. Subways don't.
--1 train
Surely She Doesn't Mean Ronald reggiN?
Woman: ...you know, he was much darker than the other kids who were really white, so he was called a nigger. He was dyslexic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bitten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was lying there with blood on him. He didn't scream or say a word...a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talking about?
--Times Square
$5 Says She Wears Her Clothes Into The Machine
Chick: I got a washing machine at home but it don't fit. I got too many clothes.
Guy: Ain't you never heard of loads?
Chick: What you mean?
Guy: Doing it once at a time.
Chick: Shoot, I be doing clothes forever if I do that shit.
--Herald Square
Overheard by: Trish
Readers: Answer This Mindblowing Question
Girl on cell: How's your aneurysm? I mean, you're still alive, right?
--Hunter College
The Short Bus to the Candy Shop
HS girl: Do you listen to 50 Cent? Oh, my god, he is so good!
HS guy: Do you know what they say when you are listening to 50 Cent?
HS girl: What do they say?
HS guy: What are you listening to when you have two quarters next to your ear?
HS girl: Ha, ha...I don't get it.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Ting
Your Mobile Is Kind of Crappy
Girl in stall: Oh, shit, I dropped my phone in the toilet!
The phone rings.
Girl in stall: And how the hell am I supposed to answer that now?!
--2nd Ave Deli bathroom
Overheard by: Rue Silver
I "Read Somewhere" That Your Lady Friend is a Moron
Tourist woman: I had no idea the Guggenheim Museum was so cheesy looking. What's it made out of? Is that papier mache or something?
Tourist man: Well, I remember reading somewhere that Frank Lloyd Wright really was a nut.
--5th Ave. & 88th St.
Overheard by: Galen Chistopher
Mouthfuls of Wednesday One-liners
Scottish chick on cell: He's sort of like the John Tesh of tonsils, isn't he?
--60th & 1st
Overheard by: zunshyn
Guy: I think I know enough about compound plastic to perform basic dentistry.
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Kathryn Galloway
Tech kid: I can, like, smell which microphone you're using.
--NYU Education building, Washington Square east
Gross! Wednesday One-liners
Old man: I don't even like taking the subway anymore because the tiling is so disgusting.
--28th Street station
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Guy: Every time I see him, I want to wash myself.
--South Street seaport
Queer on cell: Whores! You are W-H-O-R-E dash I-B-L-E. That's what you are. You're whore-ible.
--50th between 8th & 9th
Missing Pieces of Wednesday One-liners
Bald spot chick: I'm bipolar, depressed, and I have a personality disorder, but the doctor says if I quit pulling out my hair he'll change me from twenty-four medicines to nineteen.
--Broadway & 51st
Woman: I don't care how blind you are, you gotta cover your ears when that happens.
--23rd & 7th
Woman: There aren't enough websites for club-thumbs on the internet.
--Midtown office
Wednesday One-liners: The Next Generation
Thug: I need a girl who's responsible and don't got no kids.
--40th & 5th
Dude: Are we talking about the truth now? The truth is that you're scared that she's going to take your son away from you!
--27th Street office
Black guy on cell: Yeah, it was actually all right. We were both circumcised.
--Union Square greenmarket
Overheard by: Lisa Ramaci
Lunchtime! Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: My life is a falafel. No, no, wait, it's a pita. My life is a pita.
--Broadway & Astor Place
Teen boy: When I get home, I'm gonna get me one of them nutrient shake shits.
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Jon Graboff
Woman: I didn't like the emu there. I'm not going to like it here.
--Eight Mile Creek, Mulberry Street
Overheard by: james uphoff
Wednesday One-liners: The Animals
Receptionist: It takes two shots to bring down a bengal tiger! Two!
--20th Street office
Overheard by: Animal
Chick on cell: Oh, so honey, they aren't actually tents for dogs; they're just tiny display tents for the large ones.
--North Face, 73rd & Broadway
Woman: She feeds chickens to other chickens. It's gross. It's like, if there was a husband and wife, she would chop up the husband and feed him to the wife.
--1/9 train
Wednesday One-liners, the Play
British guy: Two tickets to Grand Central, please.
--Bowling Green station
Overheard by: Kirsten Teasdale
Woman on cell: I'm not going to punch her in the mouth, Danny.
--Grand Central station
Suit: You're ruining my life, you pot-smoking whore!
--34th & Broadway
Children of Wednesday One-liners
Schoolgirl: ...then the teacher said "Silence". Silence is just a fancy word for "Shut the fuck up".
--Union Square station
Black mom: Spatula, I've got two words for you: be-have!
--6th Avenue salon
Boy, 8: Sorry, Dad. I had to stop because my peg-leg got stuck!
--Park Slope
Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: ...but don't worry; us Republicans know what you're up to!
--Sullivan & W. 3rd
Woman on cell: Uh huh...yeah...right...uh huh...uh huh...the one you thought was underwear...uh huh...right...
--Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: I am so not dressed for a strip club!
--Times Square
The Euthanasia Case: A New Yorker's View
Dude: If Terri Schiavo's head was filled with oil Dubya would drill into her skull himself.
--Q train
Overheard by: Mr. Tips
"...on the other hand, it does shit itself all the time."
Guy on cell: They showed me the baby's room and the crib had all these crazy functions I couldn't understand. The baby even has a walk-in closet filled with clothes and it's only 2 days old! They just bought a new stroller too...it probably has a built-in MP3, CD and DVD player.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Astrid Vanderpool
"You mean the dude from the 52nd state?"
Teen chick #1: Ooh, I know! Your nickname should be Che.
Teen chick #2: Huh?
Teen chick #1: You know, like that guy on the T-shirts.
--Jamba Juice, Houston & Mercer
Not Quite the Next Ad Campaign
Tourist: A small Coke, please.
Pizza guy: Coke is illegal. You'll go to jail. How 'bout a Pepsi?
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Animal
No Gift Says "Class" Like Half-finished Champagne
Woman: He wouldn't let me leave the store until I bought the champagne. So I bought it and went home and started drinking it, and it was the best stuff ever! I'd gone through half the bottle when I thought I should stop, so then I went over and gave it to the neighbors.
--6 train
Readers: Answer This Lascivious Question
Woman: Why are you smiling and licking your lips at me? Do you do this to all the customers?
--J & R Music World, Park Row
Overheard by: mimi lester
I Myself Just Went From Pretty Good to Pretty Bitchy
Girl #1: She was so pretty.
Girl #2: Good pretty or bitchy pretty?
Girl #1: Can you, like, recognize a nosejob when you see one?
Girl #2: Why? Are you thinking of getting one? You don't need it.
Girl #1: No, I just wanted to go hang out someplace where people have had a lot of plastic surgery.
--B61 bus
Translation: I Crave Cock
Husband: Sex with you is great, but it's no substitute for pepperoni!
--Stop & Shop supermarket, Ridgewood
Overheard by: Dawn
(Funny Because the Skinhead Beat the Mom Afterwards)
A blonde bumpkin boy stared silently at the heavily tatooed skinhead for 10 minutes before he made his observation: You know what you are? You're a human doodle pad!
--PATH train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Margo Channing
Why The Fuck Are You Surprised?
Girl: Why the fuck is that other train moving?
Boy: Because that train isn't fucking defective.
Girl: Whatever.
--1 train
"...my daughter actually swallows."
Guy #1: So you like that girl?
Guy #2: Yeah, so far.
Guy #1: Well, don't get married. Unless you wanna have kids; that's the only reason to get married.
Guy #2: You married?
Guy #1: Yeah.
Guy #2: You have kids?
Guy #1: Yeah, thank god.
--55th Street between 1st & 2nd Ave.
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
The George Strait Enema Ain't All That
Guy: They're George Strait jeans.
Girl: I love George Strait. He's a hottie.
Guy: He only gives his name to the best.
Girl: Didn't he give his name to that tractor place?
Guy: It must have been the best tractor.
--NYU Law commons area, W. 3rd St.
Overheard by: Micah Prude
More Like Man-dog
Teen #1: Damn, kid! Your face mad hairy!
Teen #2: I'm a grown-ass man, dog.
--A train
They Eat It Here, Too (Chelsea, Mostly)
Black woman: In Japan or Asia, one of those countries, I hear they eat penis. Like in the restaurants, I mean.
--Shakespeare & Co., Flatbush
Overheard by: Ford Madox Hueffer
Readers: Answer This Antique Question
Man on cell: The Golden Girls DVD?...Why not?
--Astoria
Overheard by: spygirl
Still Makes More Sense Than an Old Man in the Sky
Little Asian boy: Mommy, is it true that the world is run by giants who plug it in and make it spin?
Mom: Where did you hear that?
Little Asian boy: I made it up.
--N train
Overheard by: Harmony
My Guess: Bronx Science
HS girl #1: So exactly how many states are there?
HS girl #2: 52.
HS girl #3: I thought there were only 50.
HS girl #2: That's because they never count Haiti and Cuba.
--F train
Overheard by: Ting
Neither Does The Internet, But Here We Are
Cashier Lady #1: What I'ma do if I gotta go to the pussy doctor? Tell the boss I gotta itch in my pussy?
Cashier Lady #2: Yeah, you gotta protect your privacy.
Cashier Lady #1: They don't gotta know all about my pussy's issues.
--Hunter College cafeteria
Overheard by: Carrie
Now She's Brown and Gray-ish
Fordham girl #1: Is your miniature poodle white?
Fordham guy #2: No, she's dead. But yeah, she was white.
--60th & Columbus
It's Not Like We Can Dump Our Trash at Ground Zero...
Teenage girl: What the fuck is Staten Island anyway?
Teenage boy: Seriously. It could float away and no one would give a shit.
--1/9 train
At Least They'll Stop Taking American Jobs
Girl #1: Have you heard? I read dolphins are committing suicide together in ever larger numbers.
Girl #2: Is that good or bad for us?
--Dumbo
Easter Isn't Just About Cadbury Creme Eggs
Dealer: I got ecstacy, I got crystal meth, I got hydro...OK, y'all have a nice holiday.
--Washington Square park
Overheard by: Mark Asch
Street Preacher: Have you found Jesus?!
Guy #1: Why? Did you lose him?
Street Preacher: Have you found your Lord, our Savior, Jesus Christ?
Guy #2: Next time, try using better fucking nails!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: eb
Guy: I think her Easter eggs say "Satan" on them.
--27th Street office
A True NYer: He Overheard Them, But He Didn't Help Them
Chick #1: What street are we getting off at again?
Chick #2: 59th street.
Chick #1: I hope we are on the right train.
Chick #2: Of course we are. I think it's the next stop.
Conductor: This is 72nd street, transfer to the 1,2,3 trains--
Chick #1: There's the express. Should we switch trains?
Chick #2: No, we'll switch at 50th street.
--Uptown #9 train
Overheard by: Marc
Jimmy Fallon and Latifah Have Already Optioned the Rights
Old white veteran: Why can't I walk? Did I have a stroke?
Black lady aide: You can walk.
Old veteran: Then who's that wheelchair belong to?
Black lady aide: You can walk, but you can't walk far.
--VA Center, St. Albans, Queens
Overheard by: Eddie Blanco
Dating in NYC (2 Short Stories)
Punk girl: Ella really is kind of a whore for doing that to Brennan. Even if Brennan is a dickhead, she shouldn't let him think she's cheating on him. Why make yourself look like a whore if you're really not?
Stylish girl: Yeah, you're right. She's just making herself look like a whore.
Punk girl: I wonder if Brennan is single. I'd like to hook up with him.
--5th Ave. between 54th and 55th
Overheard by: the rat
Dancer: ...and she's like, 25, and has never been on a date! Ever!
Ballerino: No fucking way. Is she retarded?
Dancer: I don't think so. I think she's just obsessed with ballet.
Ballerino: Go figure.
--Juilliard cafeteria
He Did Look Kind of Sexy, Laying There
Suit #1: There was some great tail at that funeral.
Suit #2: Oh yeah!
--28th & 5th
Overheard by: brp
The Third Meaning of "Pearl Necklace"
Chick #1: You know what the best orgasm I ever had was? I jerked off with my mom's jewelry in frount of the mirror. I liked watching it go in and out and thinking that she was going to be wearing it later.
Chicl #2: Oh god! Did you wash it after?
--Bally's, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Two Kinds of Frigid
Girl #1: God, it's really snowing out. I hope I make it home in one piece.
Girl #2: Is that you're way of saying you'd like to sleepover?
Girl #1: No, that's my way of saying I'd rather risk death than stay here with you.
--44th & 2nd
The Safety Word is "iPod"
Jogger Guy: This is totally just a warmup for a night of hot bondage sex.
Jogger Girl: I know!
--President and Court St.
Overheard by: Todd Martin
Rush Hour: No Longer Just a Movie
Commuter: Are there delays?
Token booth collector: No ma'am, there are no delays at this station.
Commuter: Then why are there more people than trains?
--Fulton Street station
Cinderella Y2K5
Man: Are you ok?
Woman: Oh, I'm not drunk, it's these shoes.
--Marriott Marquis, Times Square
One to Grow On: 1 in 5 People Get Busy at Night
Portuguese guy: ...so where are you from?
Chinaman: From China. Did you know 1 out of every 5 people is Chinese? The Chinese are very quiet. But we are very busy...especially at night.
--6 train
Overheard by: heyhay
Wiggers Have Their Moments
White homeboy #1: Son, I saw this comedian on TV last night, this black comedian--
White homeboy #2: Son, black guys are always so funny!
--Vanderbilt YMCA, East 47th Street
Overheard by: Palaverist
Saccharine Might Be Better for Her
Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Let's Stir Up Some Hilarity!
Receptionist: So, it's your name on the insurance card?
Girl: No, it's my partner's.
Receptionist: Your husband?
Girl: No, my partner.
Receptionist: What's his name?
Girl: Emily.
Receptionist: Your husband's name is Emily?
Girl: She's a girl.
Receptionist: Oh...Ohhh.
--Park Slope ob/gyn
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment here?
Guy: Yes, I'm the 3:35.
Receptionist: No, you're not.
Guy: Oh yes I am.
Receptionist: This is gynecology.
Guy: Ah.
--W. 72nd St. ob/gyn
"Yeah, I like to eat out every once in a while."
Coffee guy: Good morning, sir.
Sir: Medium coffee.
Coffee guy: Milk and sugar, sir?
Sir: Yes, please.
Coffee guy: ...you go down, sir?
Sir: Excuse me?
Coffee guy: You go down? Down the town?
--Roach coach, Franklin & Church
Overheard by: Bailey Wier
Readers: Answer This Mindboggling Question
JAP: Didn't it fall down back in the early nineties too?
--Ground Zero
"I said holiness, not assholiness."
God squad guy: Jesus is the way, Jesus is the way, take a prayer book because Jesus is the way!
Man: Look, buddy, it's New York. We're all Jewish in one way or another. Try Jersey.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: CW
New Yorkers: As Seen on TV
Woman #1: Excuse me, does the N train stop at Central Park?
Woman #2: Lady, go ask a fucking crystal ball, or learn how to read a damn subway map.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: Craig D
A truck driver is parked on the side of the road, honking at what appears to be nothing at all. A female pedestrian shoots him a dirty look.
Truck driver: Nobody's honking at you, you dumb bitch!
--Bay Ridge
Tourist: Which way is the Empire State Building?
Newspaper vendor: What do I look like, a fuckin' road map?
--outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Dork
A trendy guy walked out into oncoming traffic, forcing an SUV to slam on the brakes. The driver screamed out of his open window: The hell you think you are, my hood ornament?
--40th & 7th
Happy Dead Jesus Day!
Chick #1: You've got Good Friday off too?
Chick #2: Yeah, it's Good Friday.
Chick #1: Man, New York is such a lazy city.
--Bleecker St. between 6th & 7th
Attack of the Moongoloid
Texas girl: Oh look, y'all! It's a half moon. That means tomorrow will be a 3/4 moon, and then the next night will be a full moon.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: andybennett
I Knew It Was Something Dirty
Thug: You wanna go for margaritas?
Girl: Nah, that's all right.
Thug: Moo goo gai pan?
--Rivington Street
Overheard by: siara waseem
"I'll also take some chardonnay. Here's my prescription."
Customer: Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Wine guy: Sure.
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: What?
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: Like...are you asking if it can be eaten by itself?
Customer: Yeah.
--93rd & Broadway liquor store
The RNC Returns...in Symbolic Form
Smashed guy: Man, I gotta stop drinking. I'm seeing fucking elephants now.
--Elephant Parade, 34th Street
Overheard by: Shirley Grace
Wiseass: Hey PETA! Elephants can't read your signs!
--Elephant Parade, 34th Street
Overheard by: Shirley Grace
"Or star in the sequel."
Queer on cell: They're only keeping Schiavo alive so she can see Million Dollar Baby.
--8th Avenue and 19th St.
Overheard by: J-MO
Readers: Answer This Mature Query
Fratboy: So my mom asks me the other day, "Do you plan on working 5 days a week, then going on 2 day benders for the rest of your life?". I was like, "yeah". What should I be doing, staying home and watching television with her?
--LIRR
Hobo Cart is the New Haute Couture
Asian chick: So, like, what do people at your school wear?
Parsons guy: It varies. Some people dress like they're homeless, and some dress really trendy, and there's one girl that dresses like a gnome. You know, a fairy or something.
--Fung Wah bus
Not All Stories Have a Happy Ending
B&T Guy #1: It's easy. All you gotta do is give her 20 bucks.
B&T Guy #2: Then she jerks you off after she's done?
B&T Guy #1: I wish!
--Banshee Pub, 74th & 1st
Overheard by: Michael
Yuppie #1: ...yeah, those girls don't want just 20 bucks.
Yuppie #2: Yep, no such thing as free sex in Vietman.
--Maritime Hotel, 9th Ave.
Overheard by: Chaser
Take One Football Team, Some Potatoes, Clams, and Stir
Girl #1: I have no idea what happened, but when I woke up my bed was full of clam chowder.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Really!
--Q train
Sodom and Wednesday One-liners
Chick: I should start going to gay bars. I'm tired of going to all these straight bars where guys feel free to rub their penis all over your ass.
--Zabar's, Broadway & 80th St.
Overheard by: Basil
Woman: Honestly, I wonder what she ended up doing with a 3 foot, papier-mache penis.
--Broadway/Lafayette station
Overheard by: Jaya
Guy: I don't want to live in a building that undulates!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Derek
Lusty Wednesday One-liners
Teen girl: Yo, I heard he fucked a fat girl in Remi and she was so big he couldn't get his arms around her!
--Astoria Dunkin' Donuts
Overheard by: Jack
UES chick on cell: ...so then he takes me to this party, where there's all these topless chicks and crap, and I'm like, "Come on! Haven't I stroked your ego enough?".
--88th and Park
Overheard by: ikanread
Girl: No, I will not have anal sex with your boyfriend!
--Union Square station
Cromulent Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Yeah, they say that now in France they're banning Muslim women from wearing overalls.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: H. Chan
Black woman on cell: ...and then she says to me "I like that song!" and I go, "Yeah, well I like fish and avocado peels."
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Fernando Taveras
Guy: If you was dead, then you'd know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
--J train
Wednesday One-liners; Let's Make Them "I Do"
Girl on cell: Oh no! I dropped a bunch of papers that I don't need!
--Pace University elevator
Overheard by: shawn mac
Conductor: The next stop will be...Hell, I don't even know what it is!
--B train
Overheard by: Miss Babette
Guy: You know, when I was doing those breathing exercises, I realized: I don't think I've been able to breathe out of my left nostril since 1995.
--General Store, DUMBO
Overheard by: Beth
Wednesday One-liners, IMHO
Homeboy: Monkeys are just humans who don't give a shit, that's all I'm sayin'.
--Park Pizza, 25th St. and Park Ave.
Overheard by: Chadd Derkins
Electrician: The Velvet Underground? Yeah, they was good for a few laughs back in the day.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Michael
Dude: I definitely said, "No abortion jokes at dinner."
--86th and 2nd
A Wednesday One-liners Short Story
Guy: My wife is just a hoot. She just tries and tries to undermine me.
--Craft, E. 19th Street
Girl: She's into God and stuff like that. I hate that shit.
--C train
Overheard by: jason steinhauer
Slut: ...all I know is that it's $40,000 and you've gotta buy him breakfast in the morning.
--Dock's Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
It's Wednesday One-liners, Crazy
Too tan woman: It's the first day in a week that no one has called me a psychopath....yet.
--W. 66th between Broadway and Central Park West
Guy: I thought when I got up I was going to lose control. Then it went away.
--54th between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
Big guy: That girl's a serial killer. She murders men and then leaves panties on their face.
--47th Street & 5th Avenue
Overheard by: Brian
Wednesday One-liners, Por Favor
Lady: If he could fuck like he makes quesadillas, I'd be a lucky woman.
--Astoria deli
Overheard by: Stuart Bridgett
Guy on cell: True Spanish girls wear heels in a blizzard!
--33rd Street & Park Avenue
Overheard by: Chris D.
Hobo (to Hispanic construction workers): Remember the Alamo!
--34th & Madison Avenue
Wednesday One-liners
Trendy girl: I mean, I like her as a person, I just don't like what she does with my hair.
--Max, Ave. B
Guy on cell: Listen man, he's Trump. We can put his name on anything and they'll buy it. Put his fucking face on a fucking bottle of water and they'll fucking buy it!
--28th St. and Park Avenue
Overheard by: G Varod
Woman on cell: There's only one word for this party. And it is "epic."
--CPW and 110th St.
I Have a Feeling the Best Part Came Next...
Fat black woman: Hey, watch where you're going! Say "excuse me" instead of bumping into me like that. Don't you know how to speak English?
Japanese girl: You need a diet!
--Penn station
Overheard by: JL
"Where's the Beef?" or "You Got Beef?" Will Work
Customer: I see barley, but no beef.
Cafeteria worker: The beef has been melted into it.
--MSKCC cafeteria
Technically It's Not "Living"
Dude #1: I never knew people actually lived on Staten Island.
Dude #2: I know!
Dude #1: I thought it was just a big mall.
Dude #2: With the Mafia...
Dude #1: And garbage...
Dude #2: I know!
Dude #1: You know what's totally sad? I got a 1450 on my SATs.
--A train
Tweedledum and Tweedleretarded
Girl #1: That's a really nice tweed.
Girl #2: Oh, thanks. Wow.
Girl #1: Seriously, it's amazing.
Girl #2: Yeah, I was really lucky.
--30th & 5th
Bill Gates is the new Brad Pitt
Martha Stewart is on a tabloid cover.
Hipster: Did you know she's now on that Forbes list?
Sunglasses at night girl: The one with rich people?
Hipster: Yes.
Sunglasses at night girl: She's not even a movie star.
--Key Foods, Williamsburg
Readers: Answer This Top Overheard Question
Waiter: Oh, how do you know him?
Queer: I was dating him a while back.
Waiter: Really? Did his wife and kids know that?
--Metropol, W. 4th St.
Hatred Against the Polish Are Stupid
White guy: I'm a pretty liberal-minded guy. I don't consider myself prejudiced or anything...
White girl: But..?
White guy: But I really don't like Polish people. I mean, I can't help it, I just don't.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kristen
Well, It Sure Won't Turn Him Straight
Queer: My sister is so concerned about her son playing with dolls because it will turn him gay. I'm like, "It's not because I was playing with dolls that I was gay, it was that I looked at a guy and got a hardon!".
--Japonica, University Place
Overheard by: Rick T
The Original Playa
Old woman: Did you see this play?
Old man: Yes.
Old woman: Well, do you know who the father of the baby is?
Old man: Well, I know it wasn't me.
--59th & Park
"Barnard, barnyard. In any case, it was full of pigs."
Woman: Maybe I didn't find Barnard that easily, but I sure found the zoo all right.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
New Yorkers: Where are the Cool Places?
Girl #1: Ohmigod. I never ever like come this far uptown.
Girl #2: Oh, I know! Never!
Girl #1: I never go above 14th street. Ever!
Girl #2: Oh, me neither. Ever! Well, maybe above 30th street.
Girl #1: Yeah, just for, like, Bungalow and stuff.
--Grand Central
Guy #1: The last two times I was at Crobar someone got raped in the bathroom. Isn't that crazy? Two times. The last two times I was there.
Guy #2: Really? I don't think I wanna go there.
Guy #1: No, it's okay. Besides, they were girls. And the bar is nice.
--6 train
Overheard by: zztop
"...that's 3 more gigs!"
Woman on cell: Oh yeah, I got the iPod, but he got the dog.
--Park & 57th
Not Pulling Train Would Be a Good Start
Ho: ...no, really. Like, I have really been trying to win his trust back. I've been doing everything! I even deleted all my ex-boyfriends' screen names from all my IM accounts, right in front of him! I don't know what else I could do to make him trust me again...
--Lehman College
Overheard by: Soro
"Yes, but they're all programmed to be bottoms."
Dramasexual #1: Well, at least he's clean.
Dramasexual #2: ...robots are clean.
--NYU Education Building, W. 4th Street
Readers: Resolve This Theological Conundrum
Girl: ...but it's not like you have to be really religious to be a nun anyway, right?
--Clara Barton High, Crown Heights
My Son is an Honor Student...and a Vandal!
Suit #1: ...so he's got one hand on the car's aerial, and with the other hand he's punching a four inch by eight inch dent in the car, while running alongside. At this point it becomes destruction of property.
Suit #2: And that's when the campus police got involved?
--52nd & 6th
Overheard by: Meredith
It Takes Irregular Sex to Give Her the Big O
Fat black chick: I can't come when I'm having regular sex.
Skinny black chick: Why not?
Fat black chick: I don't know. It just doesn't happen.
Skinny black chick: Maybe the guy sucks.
Fat black chick: And I have a sensitive clit, too.
Skinny black chick: He definitely ain't hittin it right. Maybe you should get rid of that punk ass bitch.
--46th St. & 8th Ave.
Three Entries Submitted In A Row
Black guy: They're taking over! Where the shit am I supposed to eat?
--Rivington Street
Customer: I'll have a slice of the eggplant.
Pizza guy: You know that's organic right?
Customer: That's fine. How long have you guys been organic?
Pizza guy: Oh, about 2 weeks now. The white girls are loving it.
--Delancey & Essex pizzeria
Overheard by: Brian
Dad (to son, 6): Do you want to go to Cafe Pertutti or Oren's Daily Roast?
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: RPK
Thank God I Had to Look That Up
Fashionista: ...he was amazing! It's so rare to find a man familiar with Dr. Hauschka's.
Queer: You're in Chelsea, hon.
--18th St. bet. 7th & 8th
Overheard by: alicia
Better: "I hope the rain comes all weekend."
Girl: Your hair looks so hot when it's raining.
Boy: Really?
Girl: Yes, you get that Swedish porn star look.
Boy: In that case I hope it rains all weekend.
--Penn Station
That Afterbirth Won't Be Smelling So Hot
Pregnant woman: They really need to make cigarettes illegal. I can smell that woman's smoke from half a block away. Anything you can smell from half a block away has got to be outlawed. I mean, I've never smelled a fart from half a block away!
--Houston & Thompson
Bill Clinton's Ears (and Genitals) Are Burning
Dowager: What we really need to do is to educate these poor people so they don't have sex. It's the poor people who keep spreading all the STDs and the AIDS. Do you know any rich people with STDs? I didn't think so.
--MoMA cafe
Lady #1: I can't believe she said those things. She was so politically incorrect.
Lady #2: Well what did you expect her to say?
Lady #1: Something humanly correct.
--Shubert Theatre, 44th Street
Complaint or Compliment?
Patron: They know what I am: drunk, gay, and in search of food!...This tastes like cock!
He was later escorted out of the restaurant with his friends.
--Dawat, E. 58th St.
Overheard by: MissHell
It's Official! Spring is Here!
Chick #1: How long did it take Corey to tell you he loved you?
Chick #2: I don't know...I was drunk.
--Union Square
If Anything, Lassie is a Trannie
A big crazy man walking his dog says: So whadda ya wanna do? You wanna watch Lassie? Or how 'bout Rin Tin Tin? Or whadda 'bout da Little Rascals?...Hmm...OK...Yeah, you're right, let's not watch dat. Lassie is a fucking lesbian and Rin Tin Tin is a fag.
--Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Brock
"I'm so conservative, I don't know what left means."
Man: Where is the movie?
Ticket taker: All the way down on the left.
Man: Where on the left?
Ticket taker: It is the very last theatre on the left.
Man: On the left?
--Lincoln Center Loews
That's Like 7 in Dead Dog Years
Girl #1: It was me, her, and Kim Fines.
Girl #2: I thought Kim Fines was dead?
Girl #1: Yeah, she is.
Girl #2: She must be like 47 by now!
--Lincoln Center parking garage
Seems Like More of a Gustav Klimt Conversation
Woman: So ummm, what do you think about this painting?
Man: I can't believe you said I kiss exactly like my brother!
Woman: I love Monet, he uses such vivid colors...
Man: Yuck, now it feels like I've kissed my brother as well!
--The Met
Self-absorbed or Stupid?
Girl #1: I don't know what I'm going to do next year. I really want to study abroad.
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm going to this gallery in Queens next week.
--NYU elevator
Overheard by: Alex Pareene
Take 2 Shots of Headlines, Add One Old Man and Stir
Old Drunk: Did you hear about the guy that shot the judge in Atlanta? Well, they caught him. You know how? After he shot the judge, he ran over to Graceland, where Michael Jackson lives, and he shot Michael Jackson in the leg. That is why Michael Jackson is walking around in his pajamas all the time, because his leg hurts and he can't get dressed.
--N train
Overheard by: AG
More Like Making Babies
Two women are waiting for the bathroom.
Woman #1: They've been 20 minutes in there, all you need to do is rip down your underwear and you're done, it's not difficult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, having babies in there?
--Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue
But at Least It'll Be a Quick End!
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to backups on the F, this train is going to make express stops only at Delancey Street all the way to Brooklyn. Passengers who would like to get off at 2nd Avenue and East Broadway please get off the train and take the next train right behind us.
Sephora shopping bags woman: Right behind us, my ass! We're all gonna die!
--F train
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
Shamrock Day: the Aftermath
Short guy: You owe me money.
Hefty guy: I don't owe you shit, Goldilocks! Don't make me fucking slap you.
Short guy: I thought it was Erin Go Bragh, not Erin Go Fuck You Up.
--N train
Drunk Irish guy #1: So what are you ladies doing after this?
Drunk Irish girl #1: More bar hopping.
Drunk Irish guy #2: So you ladies into having some fun tonight?
Drunk Irish girl #2: What do you mean?
Drunk Irish guy #2: We could have one big drunken orgy.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Are you kidding me? Go blow out your ass, stupid.
Drunk Irish guy #2: OK, how about I feel those big tits?
Drunk Irish girl #1: You are an idiot.
Drunk Irish guy #2: Fuck you, you fat bitch.
The guys walk away.
Drunk Irish girl #3: Why did you have to say that for?
Drunk Irish girl #2: He was being a jerk.
Drunk Irish girl #3: But they are cute.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Yeah, you right.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: kendra
Sort of drunk guy: You're getting more beer? You can barely walk.
Really drunk guy: That's no reason to stop drinking.
--Saint Mark's Place & 3rd Ave.
Today's Special: Passive Aggression
Waiter #1: Sit anywhere you'd like.
Guy: Thanks.
Waiter #2 diverts him to a small table in an occupied section.
Guy: So by "anywhere you'd like" you guys meant this exact table.
Waiter #2: Thank you.
--Clark's, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: TG
Readers: Answer This Deep Question
Boy #1: How many times?
Boy #2: Four.
Boy #1: You blew him four times?!
--4 train
Well, That Was the Theme of the Party
Guy: Julie, this is Jesse. Have you met?
Julie: Hi, Jesse.
Guy: You know...he fucked Alan?
--UWS party
Overheard by: Michael Kane
"...or give him the back door. Then he'll forgive anything."
Girl #1: I feel like shit. I shouldn't have slept with that guy.
Girl #2: So what kind of sweater are we looking for?
Girl #1: Anything nice that proves how much I love him.
Girl #2: You should get him a white sweater. White is the color of remorse, I think.
Girl #1: But then he'll understand I cheated on him. He might actually be suspicious already if I buy him a present without an apparent reason.
Girl #2: Just make him dinner then.
--Banana Republic, 5th Ave.
The Homeless: Like the Circus, But Free!
Hobo #1: Check this out.
He spits something across the car.
Hobo #2: What was that?
Hobo #1: Tooth.
Hobo #2: Nice, nice.
--F train
A junkie hobo walks directly into the store's window, almost breaking his nose. Seeing this, his homeless buddy responds, rather outraged: Again?!
--Dunkin Donuts, 23rd St. between Broadway & Park
Overheard by: Astrid Vanderpool
Somebody Make This Into a Wacky Buddy Movie
Cop: Move it along, bub.
Hobo: What? I don't wanna move, I'm sleeping here.
Cop: I said move it, buddy.
Hobo: Why? I'm not bothering anyone, can I please stay, please, please?
Cop: OK, fine. Stay.
Hobo: I love you.
--Bay Ridge
Overheard by: C. Depp
Warning: Watching Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Suicide in Laboratory Animals
Guido #1: What're you doin' tonight?
Guido #2: Goin' to a movie wit my girl.
Guido #1: Mm.
Guido #2: Goin' to see Hitch.
Guido #3: Hitch? Isn't that a chick flick?
Guido #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Guido #3: Oh. Alright.
Guido #2: I ain't seein' the fuckin' movie by myself.
--R train
Overheard by: bluesdog
First is Worst / Pennsylvania is Best
Teen girl #1: I'm going to Delaware this weekend. Fucking Delaware!
Teen girl #2: It's not that bad, Delaware's cool.
Teen girl #1: No, it's not. Delaware's like...a booger in the nose of America, a pimple on the chin of the USA, a snaggletooth in the smile of--
Teen girl #2: OK, we get it. You hate Delaware.
--1 train
The Courtroom Scene Writes Itself
Girl #1: She's so lucky. I mean, she works for Oscar de la Renta.
Girl #2: Yeah, and she has a clause in her pre-nup that allows her husband to divorce her if her feet become disgusting. I'm jealous.
--Fashion Ave. elevator
Readers: Answer This Gauche Question
Office worker #1: Fred Wertheimer? He's the husband of the fabulous Linda Wertheimer...
Office worker #2: Who is that?
Office worker #1: She is a really famous radio person on NPR.
Office worker #2: What is NPR?
--Midtown office
4 Out of 5 Gays Recommend Sodomy Over Supplements
Queer #1: So where's Jeff been?
Queer #2: Oh, he isn't going here anymore. He said he can't deal with the gay drama and being cruised all the time. He wants to work out around people who are more serious about working out and getting bigger. You know, people who are just more focused on bodybuilding and not chatting and gossiping. So he switched to Equinox.
Queer #1: What is he talking about? There's no drama here; it's not even that gay. It's not 8th avenue!
Queer #2: I think he's just really commited to his bodybuilding and wants to completely focus on it with no distractions.
Queer #1: I think he needs to lay off the creatine.
--14th Street NYSC
Fat, Crazy and Violent: She's Got It All! (and ate most of it)
Hefty chick #1: Well, I didn't want to fight her, but she called me a fat bitch.
Hefty chick #2: Oh, lawd!
Hefty chick #1: So I backed up on her and dropped her with my elbow.
--41st St. & 7th Ave.
Happy Shamrock Day!
Woman #1: Oh God, I think I'm getting a horrible yeast infection.
Woman #2: Making bagels down there, huh?
Woman #1: Oh no, I'm not Jewish. I'm making Irish Soda Bread.
--Penn Station
Girl #1: I have nothing green to wear on Thursday.
Girl #2: What do you mean, you don't own any green? You're Irish! Green is our color! Along with beer.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Christa Bramberger
Wednesay One-liners, The End
Fratboy: They're going to tear that building down, because it's seriously decrapitated. I mean, just totally decrapitated.
--BAM Cinematek
Girl on cell: He's going to hell and I don't even care. He's going to die and I'm fine with it.
--Houston & 1st Ave.
Guy: My mom was going through menopause, and I could totally relate.
--Lafayette & 3rd St.
Overheard by: Tedd
Homeless Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Anyone have any spare change or medicine for lice?
--Christopher St. station
Overheard by: Matthew Dyke
Hobo: Excuse me, excuse me, sir, do you have change for a 12?
--West 4th Street
Singing hobo: I just spilled, I just spilled, I just spilled my blackberry brand-ayyyy.
--14th St. & 6th Ave.
Overheard by: wayne mitchell
Are You High, Wednesday One-liners?
College chick: ...its intended use is for tobacco and that's my story.
--Barnard College
Guy on cell : Yo, it's fine, I'll just get some other dude's piss.
--104th and Amsterdam
Lady standing all alone (aside from the contributor): Michael, you might want to move out of the way of those people.
--Penn Station
Queer Wednesday One-liners
Lady: You know, I heard him sing in the back room and he was like a young Clay Aiken.
--Macy's
Guy: There's nothing sadder than seeing an old gay woman.
--Church Street between Vesey and Barclay
Foreign art student: ...so then, we are in the shower room, and you know, we start, how do you say...masturbate, and then he leaves, and I am like, "Oh my god, I really want to talk to him too!".
--MoMA
A Stitched Together Wednesday One-liners Story
Black guy: And another thing: I'm tired of eating you out every night!
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: RelaxLove
Power suit woman on cell: Well, you just have to get on top of it and ride it out.
--Madison Square park
Black chick: That nigger was pussy!
--14th Street & Broadway
Both Ways Wednesday One-liners
Ballerino: Everyone's a little bi, you know.
--Juilliard cafeteria
Chick: girl: I'm starting to get a crush on my boss because she sometimes looks like a man.
--F train
Girl: ...and he stuck it so far up my ass, I couldn't sit down the next day.
--Times Square
Wednesday One-liners, Theory & Evidence
Black woman: White men are fucking idiots! They're morons.
--M7 bus
Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer
Teenage boy: Man, I seen that guy Q...he's all the time going to Coney Island.
--57th St. station (Q train terminal stop)
Italian guy: ...so my nephew, right? He's so stupid I gotta make him the lifeguard at my car wash!
--Taormina, Mulberry St.
Overheard by: Eric Rexilius
Wednesday One-liners
Old man: You know it's New York cabbies when you have aliens, automobiles, and a lot of assholes.
--Astoria
Guy: One time, I was walking down the street wearing a track suit and this blind guy was behind me and he said, "Look, it's a zebra."
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Tori Hill
Girl on cell: You want immigrants to be your maids, your cashiers...You're not ready for immigrants to be your doctors, your lawyers....I don't think of myself as an immigrant. I think of myself as an expatriate.
--2nd Ave. & 10th St. liquor store
"No, I'm 5 years old."
A record company assistant is flirting with an older music executive. She asks: Do you have a girlfriend?
He responds by holding out his hand with fingers extended to show his wedding band.
Assistant: You have five girlfriends?
--Joe's Pub
Wheeling and Dealing (A NYC Short Story)
Chick on cell: ...girl, you know I told her I would give her $5 and she would put in five. Right, so the guy gave us two dimes, right?... No, he gave us the second one for free, but it looked mangled, so then we went out back to smoke it and hers flew away...Yeah, it flew away into the bushes. Yo, I told her if she wanted to smoke grass for reals, that's on her. I was like, I'm out...Right, so then I didn't have no money to get back on the bus because my metrocard ran out at 8:30. She only had a dollar, and I was like, "what am I supposed to do with a dollar?".
--BX40 bus
We All Produce Chocolate Bars and Lemonade
A boy pulls Swedish fish, a king-size Twix, king-size Skittles, and a bottle of lemonade out of his pocket.
His friend sitting next to him says: This kid's a fucking vending machine! You give him a quarter, he spits out gum!
--1 train
Arrangements by His Baby Momma
Ballet boy: Is this the Piano Concerto choreographed by Balanchine?
Ballet girl: No.
Ballet boy: Then who is it?
Ballet girl: I don't know. It's like...ghetto.
--NYU Skirball Center
Readers: Answer Her Rhetorical Question
College chick: She's all gay. She's like, "I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay." Then why you fuckin a guy?
--D train
As Opposed to the "Fuck Me Gently Later" Way
Girl: ...yeah, I can't wait. He is kinda cute.
Guy: Oh yeah?
Girl: Yeah, in a sort of "fuck me hard, fuck me now" kind of way. But that's what I'm looking for right now.
20 min. later:
Guy: I really like him. He is a good guy.
Girl: He's an alcoholic and insane! He's great though, I like him too.
--2 train
Chick: I just have to go home and masturbate tonight. An orgasm would feel so good right now.
--42nd Street station
Overheard by: The Original Danger
The RNC Changed NYC Forever
Man in fur: You know, we should get rid of the subways.
Woman in fur: Why? People ride them to get to work.
Man in fur: Exactly. The subway is the weapon of the masses.
--82nd St. and 3rd Ave.
Overheard by: Kramer
"...I do intend to continue lying to us."
Editor: So she went to this party in San Diego and got slipped a roofie. The guy couldn't even get her home. She had to be taken straight to the hospital. It's one of those things that you feel terrible for her, but also find awfully titillating.
Art Director: Wow. Crossing the line...
Editor: Hey, I will not keep secrets from myself or you!
--Midtown office
Cue Franz Ferdinand
Indie Girl #1: ...I saw the Unicorns like in the basement for $3!
Indie Girl #2: You saw the Unicorns?! Oh my god, you are like totally my new best friend!
Indie Girl #1: Like I'm so in love with them!
Indie Girl #2: Do you want a cigarette?
--Bowery Ballroom bathroom
Overheard by: roxy
A Gentrifier in Sid's Clothing
Punk chick: So how much should I take out?
Punk guy: Yeah, you should take out like $7,000. Or better yet $10,000. Better too much than too little.
Punk chick: OK...
Punk guy: Yeah, but wait until we get out of the city to take it out, like Long Island. You don't want to be walking around Brooklyn with that kind of cash...it would be like b-boy lottery.
--A train
Much Funnier As a Monologue
Woman #1: So it was great to see you again!
Woman #2: I know, you too!
Woman #1: Now I forgot, where are you going on vacation again?
Woman #2: Oh, just up to Vermont. We're going to see a psychiatrist.
--Broadway and Waverly
Don't Be Sore: It's The Truth
Guy #1: She stuck her lollipop in my mouth! And she has herpes!
Guy #2: She has herpes?
Girl: Well, everyone has herpes...
--Sin Sin, E. 5th Street
Overheard by: Jon Zebraskey
Readers: Answer This Linguistic Conundrum
Old man: Lloyd. Proper name or suffix?
--2nd Ave. & 68th St.
Overheard by: Eric
The Principle of Marriage, Overheard
Wife: Just give me the whole chicken.
Hubby: The what?
Wife: I asked for the whole chicken and that's what I wanted. Is that too much to ask?
Hubby: What were you going to do with a whole chicken?
Wife: ...it's just principle.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: B.E.
I Want to Have His Abortion
Girl #1: ...but I don't know what I'll do if I get pregnant.
Girl #2: Just take a pill.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Christa Bramberger
The Bitch is From the Dad's Side, Oddly
Chick: You think I won't step up and kick some nigga's ass just because I'm a bitch? I'm bisexual. Yeah, I'm bisexual: I'm half bitch, half nigga.
--Q train
Overheard by: Reb Stu
You Might Call Her a Hobosexual
Guy #1: Her sister was dating Martin Short.
Guy #2: But she likes that homeless type.
Guy #1: Yeah, you're not creepy enough for her.
--Akira Sushi, St. Mark's Place
At Least They're Reading
Boy, 10 #1: What's credit? How do you get credit?
Boy, 10 #2: It's like, you know when you take out a book with your library card? If you don't return it like forever, then you get bad credit.
--6 train
Overheard by: bluesdog
I'll Let You Show Them to Me for $50!
Yuppie Chick #1: That's a cute top. Where'd you get it?
Yuppie Chick #2: BCBG, for like 60 bucks.
Yuppie Chick #1: Wha?! 60 bucks...and it doesn't even show your tits. What a rip!
--Cafe Aubette, 27th Street
Overheard by: Matt Cohen
Just Put Them on a Teenage Boy and Rub
Fashionista #1: Did you do your laundry yet?
Fashionista #2: Yeah, I used a service called the Laundry Spa, it's like they gave a facial to my cashmere sweater.
Fashionista #1: Wow, I have a pair of jeans that could really use a facial.
--Bleecker off 11th street
Overheard by: L Cohen
First the Gum Snaps, Then the New Yorkers Do
A guy pops his gum.
An older woman stands up and yells: Do you think I don't hear you? I've asked several times, who is popping their gum, and everyone looks around, and it was you! You can't do that in a public place! It's a violent sound! Now, will you be able to control yourself, or will I have to run away from you?
--Penn Station
Half the Conversation, Twice the Funny
Woman on cell: I liked it, but I didn't understand some things. Like, when you learned she was a whore. Where would you learn that? In the conversation with your mother? Why would she tell you something like that?...Oh, yeah. Now I understand. No, I liked it a lot.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Slave2theMan
Sexuality: The Subtle Art of the Unspoken
Girl: You have a stain on the front of your pants.
Boy: I have a stain from your front on my pants.
--N train
They Can Stuff a Lot of Chew in Those Cheeks
Woman #1: Do you think squirrels get addicted to nicotine?
Woman #2: Oh my God! I feel so bad for them. I mean they must, right? What with all the cigarette butts they eat.
--6 train
That, Or Really Bad at Russian Roulette
Woman, 40s: So why did he shoot himself?
Guy, 40s: I guess he must've been depressed.
--2 train
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
God Save the Burger King
British teen: Look Mum, it's Wendy's.
British Mom: Thank God, now I know where we are.
British teen: But it's not the same Wendy's as before.
British Mom: Then we're lost.
--34th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Tina Marney
British guy #1: I can't wait to go home!
British guy #2: Why's that?
British guy #1: I never noticed before I came here that there is a sense of security in knowing 100% that the person behind the counter can tie their own shoelaces.
--Times Square
Someone Has Had Sex With This Man
Charmer: All of these people walk around the fence all like "Boo hoo hoo". Ugh. Just suck my dick already!
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: Auston McLain
New York 101: How to Hail a Cab
Woman: Excuse me, sir, where can I get a taxi around here?
Traffic officer: Just stand on the corner and wave your hand.
--Canal St. & Broadway
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Alcoholism is for Quitters
Man on phone: Listen, I know I'm like the 500th person to tell you this, but you've got a problem...No, I'm not saying you're an alcoholic! You just drink too much!
--NYSC, 7th Ave & 10th St
Filming on the My Fair Lady Remake Commenced in NY This Week
Teen girl on cell: Yo! Where da fuck you be at?! You come pick us up this fucking second; it's so fucking cold out here, my twat's got ice on it!
--Union Square
She's No Virgin
Boy: Mommy, Mommy! Let's pretend I'm Jesus and everyone wants to kill me.
Mommy: I don't think I want to play that game.
--Central Park
NYC Youth: How to Win the War on Terror?
HS girl: OK, OK, I got it. This will solve everyone's problems: Jamal, you need to eat Anna out.
--Union Square
Readers: Answer this Big Question
Guy on cell: What, you thought they were going to let fat people into the club?
--N train
Especially Those With Gynecomastia
White Guy: White people can't dance.
White Girl: I'm white and I can dance.
White Guy: Yeah, but you have tits. Anyone with tits looks good when they dance.
--Happy Ending, Chinatown
Looks Like Someone Gets Around
Man on cell: I would fucking marry the girl, if it wasn't for every time I went down on her she tasted like hummus.
--3rd Ave. & 11th St.
"...it's a collection."
Guy #1: Dude, I think you have a porn addition.
Guy #2: 5 gigabytes is not an addiction!
--Midwood Public Library
Overheard by: Roman S
Believe Everything You (Over)hear
Guy #1: Dude, did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger died in a car crash?
Guy #2: No way! That's not true, is it?
Guy #1: I dunno. I am asking you.
--F train
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
Rachel Carson is Spinning in Her Eco-Grave
Hairstylist: Hey Jo Jo, what's with that lady with all that body hair?
Jo Jo: She's an old tree hugger. She never quit living in the 60s. Her kids and husband smell too.
--Hair Salon, Madison & 52nd
"Couldn't hurt."
Geek #1: ...and then all of a sudden she put me in a headlock!
Geek #2: So you gonna ask her out?
Geek #1: ...do you think I should?
--2 train
America: The Space Between NY and LA
Girl: I grew up in Sioux City, Iowa.
Guy: Oh, I've never been to Iowa...but I've been to Idaho.
--Williamsburg party
Overheard by: James G
Readers: Give the Hippie a Clever Retort
Hippie: They gave Israel a nuclear submarine.
Companion: So they can fish?
--5th Ave. & 21st St.
Overheard by: MK and AT
Choreography in One Lesson
Girl: The problem is her butt isn't on his neck while she's spinning around his head.
Boy: Well, she needs to arch her back more. Problem solved. Did you do the crossword?
--Juilliard cafeteria
Note Oversized, Gangsta-style Duane Reade Smock
Employee: I'm so gangsta and keep it so real that I think it scares women sometimes.
--Duane Reade, 76th & 1st
Overheard by: Adam Shprintzen
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be an Assassin
HS kid #1: You know what teflon is?
HS kid #2: No.
HS kid #1: It's the stuff you coat bullets with so that they'll pierce a bulletproof vest.
--23rd St. & Broadway
Overheard by: M Cohn
Psychic Wednesday One-liners
Tourist: You can tell it's raining because everybody here has umbrellas.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Joel Guilbert
Nut: I have powers, she has powers, and she knows that I have powers!
--Astor Place
Wednesday One-liners After Dark
Girl on cell: So I was talking shit and then, of course, we started getting it on, like always.
--Rivington & Attorney
Woman on cell: Ooh...somebody has a hangover...you have that scratchy-come-fuck-me voice...oh, I love it!
--W. 21st between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Charlie Samuels
Wednesday One-liners, Cell Phones
Big black woman: ...and they had a white one and a black one, and the white one was 45.99 and the black one was 52.99, so I bought the black one. Cause it was black...
--Best Buy, 23rd St.
Overheard by: Trouble
Guy on cell: Oh yeah? Well, check this out: I don't care that I'm not invited to your wedding, because you're fired!
--West 94th St & Amsterdam
Legally Wednesday One-liners
Woman: Send good karma so they'll hire me to practice law without a license.
--8th Ave.
Lady CO: If y'all don't shut up and behave, I'm turning off the fan! And y'all stink, remember.
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn Jail and Courthouse
Overheard by: Carolina
Wednesday One-liners For Sale
Man: So Tommy's the security guard there, and I'm in the back room sellin' crack to him...
--34th Street Lowe's
Man on cell: ...but there are like a thousand kinds of Crest!
--Duane Reade, 23rd St. & 6th Ave.
Overheard by: Elizabeth Rand
Wednesday One-liners for the Union Jack
Chick: So when he talks about Britain, does that mean England too?
--Fordham
Overheard by: e. glass
US woman (to UK guy): You speak another language, only with American words.
--49th & 6th
Overheard by: David Grote
We Interrupt Wednesday One-liners to Give You Our 1000th Entry
Girl #1: I am so tired! I have total jet lag.
Girl #2: You can't get jet lag; we never left the Eastern time zone.
--LaGuardia flight from Miami
Wednesday One-liners
Woman: When you get to be my age, everybody looks like somebody. And some people pass by twice.
--Lincoln Center
Asian girl: Oh, no! No one had sex on the floor. I mean, OK, so a few of us girls were rolling around on the floor in our bra and panties or whatever but no one was having sex on the floor!
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
What, Is Your Dad Ugly or Something?
College girl #1: ...and this guy's a really good kisser and they turn on the lights and it's your dad!
College girl #2: Oh my god, I know! I hate it when that happens!
--5th Ave. & 13th St.
Overheard by: Dave Della Costa
I Only Know Conversational Latin
Hipster #1: But you're not even Chinese!
Hipster #2: That doesn't matter.
Hipster #1: It does because any non-Asian person who eats with chopsticks is pretentious.
Hipster #2: I'm not pretentious because I'm an American who uses chopsticks; I'm pretentious because I speak fluent Latin.
--103rd St. station
I Can't Believe You Say Motherfucker to Granny
Girl: So my dad opened Jake's phone bill the other day and he's like "I don't want to alarm you or anything, but there's a phone number on here that Jake has been calling all the time."
Grandmother: Oh my god! You're not saying--
Girl: And when we called it we found out it was that Chinese restaurant down the street. That motherfucker eats there all the time! So much that it put him over on his cell phone minutes. Can you believe that?
--Driggs Pizza, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Just Find Star Jones and Follow Her Trail
Brit: Excuse me, do you know where the Photography Museum is please?
Newsagent: Chocolate Museum?...Hey mamma, you know where the Chocolate Museum is?
Mamma: I never heard of no Chocolate Museum.
Brit: Not to worry. Thanks anyway.
--53rd St. Newsstand
Overheard by: Shaun Riordan
Readers: Answer This Overheard Question
Little Asian girl: Mommy, are you Jewish?
--86th & Broadway
"Plus, the ossified labias."
Old man: So I have all these women on the phone saying "We should get together...Oh, we should meet up.".
Old woman: Well, why don't you?
Old man: These women, they go to the opera, their husbands are dead. I'm not that lonely.
--60th & Columbus
The Drug Legalization Debate; NYC Edition
Hobo: Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not hungry or sick, I just need some money so I can get high, but it's just weed, I don't do heroin or cocaine or any of that shit.
Guy: You know, it's because of guys like you that people think pot should be illegal! Look at you! When I get high, I pay my own way! I earn my own money and get high! There are little kids on this train! What do you think they're going to learn? Man, think a little!
--4 train
Overheard by: Alice S.
Hence the Name "1 Train"
Woman #1: So how did you pee when the toilet stopped up?
Woman #2: I used the sink.
Woman #1: Aren't you afraid you will break it?
Woman #2: I'ma pretty little. Actually I do it all of the time.
--1/9 train
He's Just Not That Into You...
Hip woman: ...then I slit my wrists--
Hip guy: Um?
Hip woman: --and he sucked my blood.
--5th Ave. & 19th St.
Reason #1568 to Fear a Hillary White House
amNew York guy: I wouldn't mind having her as President. I just don't want her to turn every building in New York pink. But I'm all for having a woman as President.
--Hoyt-Schemerhorn station
Where Are They Now?: MC Broke Behind
Chick #1: Going shopping Saturday, get some more gold,
Chick #2: That's you. You getting more gold, you gettin more ice. When you was MC Broke Behind, you wasn't talkin 'bout gettin' shit.
--42nd St. between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Ben Colombo
Also Famous For Being Completely Surrounded by Water
Girl, 13: What is Ellis Island, anyway?
Dad: Well, back in the olden days, a lot of boats landed there.
--Abatino's Pizza, 40th & Broadway
That Was a Request, Not a Complaint
Guy #1: Yo B., let's cross here.
Guy #2: Did you just call me Babe?
Guy #1: No, niggah, I called you B.! You outta your fuckin' mind?
--Spring & W. Broadway
Down From Her Usual Four Chins
Girl #1: Did you see Lisa's London trip pictures?
Guy: No.
Girl #1: She actually had a double chin in some of the pics.
Girl #2: That's great!
--Union Square
"Oh yeah, and terrorism."
Guy: This town is going to hell. Only 5 years ago, you could still get mugged right outside of this place. These days, what you have to worry about is not to get hit in the face with a Prada purse with a brick in it.
--The Apt, Meatpacking District
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
The Zen of Playground Talk
Big Kid: If that bitch ass didn't tell on me I wouldn't have gotten in trouble.
Little Kid: If you would have stayed out of trouble in the first place you wouldn't have gotten in trouble.
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: richard blakeley
Drunk Jerk? Or Everyman?
Drunk: I want a bag of cocaine...a bag of cocaine and two lesbians.
Girlfriend: You're not going to get it.
Drunk: Which, the bag of cocaine or the two lesbians?
Girlfriend: Neither.
Drunk: Fuck you!
Girlfriend: What, am I not good enough for you?
--1st Ave. & 5th St.
Overheard by: Alexander Romanovich
Kids Say the Stupidest Things
Boy: Mom, can we buy these cookies?
Mom: No honey, we cannot.
Boy: Why? Because they have carbohyboraties in them? Mom, you're scared of carbohyboraties, aren't you?
--Gristede's, UWS
Girl: Look! Cantaloupes! Mom! Look at the cantaloupes!
Mom: No dear, cantaloupes are a fruit. These are antelopes.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Sarah Glazer
"...and there's three guys and a chick after me."
Girl: So you're saying there might be a chance?
Guy: Yeah...if her husband leaves her, I'm next in line.
--Lafayette St. at Cooper Square
Not Giving The Elderly Their Medicine Is Better
Nutty Old Bat: 90 bucks for my pills? I don't have that kind of money with me. You're going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry ma'am, that's the price and we need your prescription.
Nutty Old Bat: I don't have my prescription. I'm coming from the emergency room! How much for a pill? I need it. I haven't had a pill since this morning.
Pharamacist: I can't get you one pill. I need your prescription. Just get one and come back tomorrow.
Nutty Old Bat: You're going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry ma'am. I can't help you.
Nutty Old Bat: You're going to have to do better than that!
Pharmacist: Have a good day ma'am.
Nutty Old Bat: Unbelievable! She doesn't want to do better than that!
--Bryant Park Duane Reade
Overheard by: Felson Sajonas
Paris, Is That You?
Guy: So how come you were late today?
Girl: I really had to take a dump, otherwise my downward-facing dog was gonna be a non-housebroken one.
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Daniel Motta
Parenting in New York; A Short Story
Dude: Her kids listen to nothin' but classical music. Every time they turn on the radio: classical music, and they smart as hell. I said, "Don't they watch no cartoons?!". I turn on Cartoon Network, they got a woman wearing a bikini, turns into a superhero at night! That and Spongebob. And look at Beyonce! Everytime you see her, you see her skin!
--1 train
Overheard by: Josie
Making Someone My Bitch: It's a Good Thing
Guy #1: So, Martha Stewart got out of jail today.
Guy #2: Yeah, she looks kinda hot...it must have been all the weightlifting!
--Pa Kua Martial Arts, 38th & 6th
The Golden Taste of Pleasure
Woman #1: ...and I was crouching down with my 6 or 7 inches of my bare ass showing, it was so embarrassing, and he stayed there!
Woman #2: Maybe he was a pee fetishist!
Woman #1: But he was young!
Woman #2: Maybe you turned him into a pee fetishist!
--Noho office bathroom
Forget "I Heart NY"; We Have a New Slogan
Man: Did you just cut me in line?
Girl: I'm sorry sir, I just--
Man: Oh yes you did. Gosh, I hate New York.
--DB Bistro Moderne, W. 44th St.
Funny Ha-Ha or Funny Rape?
Woman #1: I told my family that if I get old and can't take care of myself to hire me a...
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: ... a young, good-looking boy.
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: Specifically for the purpose of giving me a sponge bath.
Woman #2: I have a funny story about that.
--Park Plaza Diner, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: TG
Mr. Roeper, If You're Reading This: We're Sorry.
Boy: My top scary movie of all time is The Shining.
Girl: Oh my god you guys, the scariest movie I have ever seen is Event Horizon.
--Williamsburg
Alcoholism: Not Just a Goal, But a Duty
Asian kid #1: That was your first shot and you didn't even drink it.
Asian kid #2: I did drink it. It just took me a long time.
Asian kid #1: It's your fucking birthday. You're supposed to be unconscious. You should have done that shit. I bought that shot for you, man. If someone bought me a shot and I had had sixteen drinks, I would drink it anyway, just for the principle.
--9th street PATH Station
She Probably Is Smarter Than Average
Chick: So, I'm smart, right? I mean, I consider myself smarter than the average woman. So I go to this interview, and they give me this test, a long test like the SATs. And I'm drunk. So I get a call later, "Sorry, you didn't do as well as we'd hoped."
--F train
Terror Alert Level: Brown
Guy #1: I had the runs the entire damn flight and some bitch flight attendant tells me to stop going back and forth to the bathroom.
Guy #2: What did she think, you were going to blow up the plane with your explosive diarrhea?
Guy #1: Well, one thing's for sure: I left that toilet in a hell of a mess!
--JFK Starbucks
Overheard by: Justin Ackman