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April 2005 Archives
Somehow Osama Remains At Large
Chick #1: I think Moron Titty is a great code name. Like, if you go into the CIA? I think you should be Agent Moron Titty.
Chick #2: Yeah, my nipples have an I.Q. of, like, 75.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: djlindee
Plan B: Sit on a Hive
Girl #1: She is like, mad flat.
Girl #2: I know, right?
Girl #1: So I hear that she wears two pairs of pants to make her butt look bigger!
--A train
Rick Santorum, Eat Your Heart Out
Queer #1: Honey, my vagina is itchy.
Queer #2: So scratch it.
--16th & 8th
Overheard by: Winnie
Does She Fuck Chicks or Does She Fuck Eggs?
Graphics girl: OK, I'm a chitter-chatterbox.
Editor: Did you just say you're a chicken pederast?
--27th Street office
Where Are They Now?: Kathleen Kennedy Townsend
Preppy guy: Are you sure?
Non-Preppy guy: I'm telling you...I think she's a prostitute.
Preppy guy: She doesn't have the face for it.
Non-Preppy guy: I know, but she does have the body.
Preppy guy: That's a fucking shame if she is one. Her family has billions and billions of dollars. She doesn't need to be doing that.
--Prime Burger, 51st Street
Overheard by: Shirley Grace
Gypsies and Germans? Sounds Familiar...
Girlfriend: Is that a caravan outside Deutsche Bank?
Boyfriend: Pikeys.
--Wall & William
Just So Long as You Remember to Swallow
NYU chick #1: Aren't vegetarian hot dogs just as sketchy as normal hot dogs?
NYU chick #2: Maybe, but I would rather eat the stamen of a sketchy plant than the anus of a sketchy pig.
--Criff Dogs, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: djlindee
Fucking a Hamburger is Kind of a Gray Area
Boy #1: Do you want to split a bun?
Boy #2: No! I'm not gay!
Boy #1: "Split a bun" means a fucking hamburger, you asshole!
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: CAP
It's Not Capitalism If There Aren't Hobos with AIDS
Woman #1: I'm talking about beggars who ask for money, say they have AIDS, and will spit on you.
Woman #2: That's not really begging anymore, now is it?
Woman #1: No...that's called Free Enterprise.
--70th & 2nd
Overheard by: nita
They Prefer the Term "Mole People"
Construction worker #1: Make it look nice for the homeless here!
Construction worker #2: Oh yeah!
--Broadway/Lafayette station
Society is Collapsing All Around Us
Guy: I wish they played music in these things so it wouldn't be so awkward.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Gabe Connor
I Think That Kid Was Flirting
Teacher: Settle down! You three are always running around like you're in a parade or something!
Goofus: Mister, you're your own gay pride parade.
--R train
The Seamen Just Kept On Coming
Fashionista #1: I lost my virginity on a cruise.
Fashionista #2: Have you ever been on a cruise?
Fashionista #1: By "cruise" I mean "Russia".
--Midtown office
Sorry, the Correct Answer is "Scatophage"
Woman #1: You just know that's going to be David in a few years. The one with $6 million just sitting in the bank.
Woman #2: I know. You wouldn't expect it of him, though.
Woman #1: Yeah. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of insane he is.
Woman #2: Hmm. Manic, maybe?
--6 train
They Know Not What They Do...or Say
Guy #1: I don't care about the goddamn pope anymore! What is it, it's on the front page of every paper. Who cares?
Guy #2: I know, he's going to die in a few years anyway.
--20th & 7th
Overheard by: Tom
Rarely is Anti-Semitism This Explicit
Chick #1: He's so hot.
Chick #2: Eww.
Chick #1: What eww?
Chick #2: Um, he's wearing a shirt that says "Spin my dreidel, and by dreidel I mean cock, and by spin I mean suck".
Chick #1: That is a valid point.
--Asylum, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: djlindee
Too Bad She Stole Your Jewelry
Middle-aged woman #1: Yeah, my cleaning woman is the greatest! Last time, she color-matched and coordinated all of my lipsticks and arranged them in a row for me!
Middle-aged woman #2: Oh my god! I'd swoon!
--Midtown elevator
The Torch Has Been Passed
Guy: Have you seen Torch?
Girl: Oh, he dead. He fell out a window.
Guy: Ohhhh shit!
--D train
Overheard by: dopepope
Save It for Valentine's Day
Girl #1: Did you see how drunk he was?
Girl #2: Yeah, that's why I was hurrying him off the bus. I just knew he was going to vomit on me. I could see it...the vomit. Not tonight.
--Morris Park, The Bronx
Overheard by: Reg Johnson
How Many Licks Does It Take?
Freestyling hobo: Sex on TV will never stop. My big dick in a lollipop.
Bonus: The blueblood ladies walking by gasped.
--40th & 2nd
Pre-Class Registration Starts Once A Month
Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in biotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?
--1 train
Overheard by: Manhattman
Gawker Stalker, I Think You Missed One
Katie Holmes: He introduced me to his kids! And he's taking me to Rome on a private jet this weekend.
--Starbucks, Waverly Place
Overheard by: robinshire
I Remembered to Mention, It's More Gross Than Cute
A pregnant woman shows an ultrasound photo to her friend and says: Look, it's my boo!
Friend: You look great. It's freaking weird. You're like a host...an alien host or something.
Pregnant woman: Oh, I forgot to mention, I think it's cute!
--Zeytinia, 2nd & 94th
Overheard by: Emerson Beyer
Remember: No Eucharist After Midnight
Kid: John Paul II was like Furby...and this new guy is like a gremlin.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: jessi
Wednesday One-liners, Ladies
Tall woman on cell: ...there's something I haven't told you too: I've been sleeping with hundreds of women all this time!
--4th Ave. & 10th St.
Guy: Dude, who needs a date when you've got a vagina?
--8th & University
Overheard by: Chitin
Chick on cell: He said I'm high maintenance. I am not high maintenance...I'm crazy, but I'm not high maintenance.
--Uncle Ming's, Avenue B
Overheard by: djlindee
Classy Wednesday One-liners
Dowager: I'll take a Swiss cock, please. That looks good.
--Bakery, 58th & 7th
Man on cell: That stuff was too expensive. Why don't I just buy one of those cheap necklaces on the street and you can put in a blue boz and say it was from Tiffany's.
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: Angie
Preppy: Hey Dave, put another beer in this cooze!
--Blind Tiger Ale House, Hudson Street
Ebony & Wednesday One-liners
Black woman: I kept telling him, "You don't see a black woman from the ghetto every day." He has to understand.
--51st Street station
Parking attendant: All the white people I know are crooks.
--Parking lot, 46th between 8th and 9th
Overheard by: eristic
Jewish Professor: ...for example, we have the white people that vote, and we have the nig...bla...African-Americans that vote...
--NYU classroom
Spare Some Change, Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: I'm homeless! I'm battling child abuse! The Jews and the Irish are spreading lies about me!
--14th Street between 5th & Union Square
Overheard by: a Jewish-Irish girl
Hobo: Nice chickie, hot, another one, good, love them, there's a good one. No, wait: that's a guy.
--29th & Madison
Bald hobo: If I was tall they'd braid my hair! But no, I'm short, so they won't braid my hair!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Jeremy
Hobo: I'm technologically impaired. Spare a cell phone? An iPod?
--St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Rose Yndigoyen
Not-So-Educated Wednesday One-liners
Woman: Hi, I just realized today that my wallet was stolen a month ago.
--Chase Manhattan, Broadway & 73rd
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Guy: I'll have a Mahatma grande.
--Starbucks, Broadway & 98th
Lady: If it was a real fortune-teller or whatever, they're not supposed to charge you, right?
--78th & 2nd
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Educated Wednesday One-liners
Man: I'm, like, the MacGyver of orthoscopic surgery.
--David Copperfield's, York Avenue
Girl: I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't gone back to school. I'd probably be dead or in jail or pregnant and living in Brooklyn or something.
--F train
Overheard by: Heather
Goth guy on cell: You can't divide by infinity! Infinity is a concept, not a number! How many times do I have to tell you that?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lesley Brooke
Fat lady: I was Rubenesque before I was fat.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Dawn
Are You Ready for the Sex, Wednesday One-liners?
Guy on cell: Of course I hate her! However, that's not gonna stop me from fucking her.
--Park Slope
Girl: Your mouth is warm. Lick my face.
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sara R.
Man on cell: I don't see what the big deal was. It was only a blowjob.
--Greene Street between Spring & Prince
Wednesday One-liners are for the Dogs
Guy: Golden retrievers are beautiful animals. If I were a golden retriever, I would be so vain!
--Shade, Sullivan Street
Guy on cell: Oh, you want a doggy treat? When I get home I'll give you a big fat bone.
--34th & 8th
Woman: Peter! Dog poop is not a toy!
--CPW & 65th Street
Overheard by: Johnathan
Attention DEA: Wednesday One-liners
Queer on cell: Michael Alig...yeah, I don't remember those years so well.
--1st & A
Hood on cell: Yo man, that bitch stole two ounces of coke from my house!...She's your friend, you go get it back!
--outside The Martini Red Lounge, Staten Island
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Guy on pay phone: ...and Santa's reindeer won't be coming home!
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Traczie Bellinger
Yet It Would Befit the Chairman's Agenda
Girl: If your cat has kittens, can I name one of them Chairman Meow?
Guy: If my cat has kittens, I'm going to put them in a plastic garbage bag and fling them into the river.
Girl: That's not very gentlemanly.
--9 train
Overheard by: djlindee
Ask Her for a Canejob
Guy #1: Man, she's hot.
Guy #2: But does she need that walker?
--Bensonhurst
More Like "You Need to Come Out"
Sorority girl #1: How are things going with him?
Sorority girl #2: Okay, I guess. I mean, his favorite band is the Smiths, so I'm like "you need to get out of 1999, dude."
--Blue Ribbon bakery, Downing Street
Overheard by: Adam Graham
An Overheard Public Service Announcement
Suit #1: ...and he's been playing on that game City of Heroes for two months straight now.
Suit #2: You reckon he's still alive?
Suit #1: Well, he's been typing nothing but "J" for a whole week on MSN.
--JFK
Overheard by: Pete Jones
You Should Only Fuck with People in the Evening
Health nazi: Y'know, smoking is bad for your health.
Security guard: So is fucking with people at 8:30 in the morning.
--28th & Park
Special Sale on Whipped Cream
Customer: Christ, there are beautiful women every time I come in here.
Cashier: Yeah! All day long! It hurts!
--St. Mark's Gourmet Market, St. Mark's Place
More Like a Valid Fucking Complaint
Woman #1: He was complaining about how pussy tastes.
Woman #2: Well, that's a fucking valid complaint, if I ever heard one.
--70th & 2nd
Overheard by: nita
Yeast Infections Are Much More Common There
Guy #1: See ya, Scotty!
Guy #2: Wasn't Scott supposed to be dying or something?
Guy #1: Well he still is, just a little slower now than before. He's the only guy I know who can get a bacterial infection at the dentist.
--Madison Square Park
That's Not What You Grab to Lead a Guy On
Woman #1: I really don't think you're leading him on.
Woman #2: That's what everyone says...but they don't know I'm grabbing his ass every day.
--Bloomingdale's, 59th Street
Overheard by: djlindee
Translation: He Gives Bad Head
Hipster girl: It's like, OK, we only see each other when we're drunk, and he doesn't seem that interested, and we never have a decent conversation, and he might be gay, but on top of everything he's also a Red Sox fan. He even made fun of Bernie Williams once.
Hipster queer: So that's really the clincher for you?
Hipster girl: Well, you know, there's a limit to how many areas where you can be incompatible.
--Metropolitan bar, Williamsburg
Going to the Talkies (A NYC Story)
Before a movie, a man gets up and jumps off a balcony. His friend remains seated.
Fellow movie patron: Did he just die?
Friend: Nah, nah it's cool. He's a French wall-jumper.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
It's Not Like He Can Crash It
Conductor, doors closing at East Broadway: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop Steinway Street.
Conductor, doors closing at Delancey: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop 23rd Street.
Girl: Should I be worried?
--F train
Overheard by: Suzanne
No Dude, Go for the Harem!
Guy #1: I've been thinking about getting a fez, rocking a fez, you know?
Guy #2: Man, you'd get that shit knocked right off your head. Fucking Shriners...
Guy #3: Maybe you can get one of those little cars, too. And a monkey.
--Madison Square Park
And So Munchausen's-by-Proxy Was Born
Mom: I know you would love homeschooling but you would have to be really sick or have a broken leg or something.
Son: Then why won't you just break my leg?
--Lexington & 63rd
Overheard by: Christopher
Yes, I'm Sure There's a Duane Reade Around There
Woman #1: Excuse me, is this the right way to Canal Street?
Woman #2: Yeah, keep walking north, you can't miss it.
Woman #3: It's about 4, 5 blocks.
Woman #1: Oh, OK...is that where you can get the stuff?
--Church & Thomas
Overheard by: Becka
A Different Sense of Screaming Queer
Queer: So how was your date?
Hispanic chick: Oh, it was nice, he was nice and sweet, and a real gentleman, you know, he would hold open doors, make sure to walk between me and the street, you know, really nice.
Queer: Oh, you know what that totally screams?
Hispanic chick: What?
Queer: That totally screams: I want to get into your vagina right now!
--6 train
Overheard by: Luke Reynolds
It's Short for Wigfield
Duane Reade cashier: Hey! Hey, security! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Huh?
Dunae Reade cashier: Your name, fool! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy.
Duane Reade cashier: What?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy. W-I-G-G-Y. That's not my government name though.
--Duane Reade, Broadway & Canal
Overheard by: K. Thor Jensen
It's Really Not the University's Fault
Woman #1: Did you hear? We're going into Iran.
Woman #2: Really? Why?
Woman #1: Dunno.
Woman #2: Wasn't there, like, an earthquake there?
Woman #1: When? Recently?
Woman #2: Hmm.
Woman #1: Well, so much for our Princeton educations.
--Madame X, Houston St.
Overheard by: Djlindee
Kind of a Lapsed Jew
Jewish guy: You know, all the famous people are Jewish, like Einstein, and--
Black guy: Man, shut the fuck up, what the fuck is wrong with you? Ain't you ever heard of Martin Luther King, Jr.? He ain't Jewish; hell, that motherfucker ain't even white. Jesus Fucking Christ!
Jewish guy: Very good! Jesus Christ!
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
You've At Least Got to Tell Them Not to Scream
Suit #1: Dude, admit it: you want to go to Dorian's.
Suit #2: No, I don't.
Suit #1: Yes, you do. Admit it.
Suit #2: Dude, no! I want to talk to chicks, not rape them.
--Tortilla Flats, Washington Street
Overheard by: Initials
When You're Self-absorbed, Every Day is a Celebration
Girl #1: Happy birthday, Mira!
Girl #2: Happy birthday! Yay, it's my birthday too!...in August.
--L'Orange Bleue, Broome Street
Overheard by: Sasha Vaughan
Kind of Like the New Star Wars
Girl: What are those, prune juice bottles?
Boi: Yeah, what kind of weird homage to regularity is that?
Girl: I think it's an homage to diarrhea.
--Park Slope
Camp David Isn't Really Rehab
Chick: He keeps checking himself into rehab, but then he gets out and...well, you know all his friends are crackheads.
Guy: That's pretty funny, actually.
Chick: Yeah, it is!
--N train
Yes, Except When the Kids Die They Don't Rise Up
Woman: What's passover again? Isn't that supposed to be like your version of Easter?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Aaron
"No honey, it's a secret."
Little girl, 3: Daddy, can we hear about Pythagoras again?
--116th Street station
Overheard by: djlindee
They've Got to Be Listening to You First
Dude #1: ...so she like told me all penises were ugly. That they were just ugly organs, so I was like, "Yeah? Well, then from now on you can't get any of mine!"
Dude #2: Ha, ha.
Dude #1: So she all took her clothes off and then we did it.
Dude #2: Ha, ha.
Dude #1: The best way to get a chick is to act like you don't care and you get laid immediately.
--19th & Broadway
One of Osama's Lesser Known Wives
Mom #1: Did your husband take any time off when you had your baby?
Mom #2: Well, it was right after Sept. 11th, so his office was closed for 3 or 4 weeks.
Mom #1: Oh, that's wonderful!
--F train
That Must Sting Their Holes
Guy #1: What are you drinking?
Guy #2: Dos Equis. With a lime.
Guy #1: All Mexican beers come with limes.
Guy #2: Dude, all Mexicans come with limes.
--Croxley Ales, Avenue B
Which is Precisely the Location of the Ass
Yankee fan: The Yankees are kicking ass this year.
Straphanger: They're in last place!
--3 train
It's Not Like He's Some Crazy German or Anything
Guy #1: Benedict? That's a terrible name for a Pope!
Guy #2: What do you know? There's been fifteen of them already!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: koaloha
It Depends on Whether She Swallows
Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a message that says "Sweet dreams, gorgeous."
Girl #2: Hmm. Isn't that what they say to Mafioso girlfriends before they slit their throats and throw them in the East River?
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: djlindee
Yuppie #1: ...and it's not just because she's a chick.
Yuppie #2: Yeah, it'd be the same if she were a dude.
Yuppie #1: Totally! And it's not because I really like to work, because I don't.
Yuppie #2: Totally!
--Dock's Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Willard
Little kid: Mama, Mama! Where are all those bunnies we saw last night? Where are those bunnies? We have to find the bunnies again, Mama!
Lady: Aww! Where were the bunnies you saw, Cole?
Mother: Actually Cole, those were rats.
--Fulton Street
Overheard by: Jess Kimball
Clearly Education Majors
Girl #1: I always get so much more jazzed after drinking Diet Pepsi than regular Pepsi.
Girl #2: Well, that's because Diet Pepsi has soooo much more sugar than regular Pepsi.
--Marymount Manhattan College
Overheard by: Mallory McMahon
I'm Sure the Hasidic Jews Had Some Inkling
Daughter tourist: Wow! Look at him.
Mother tourist: Yeah, who knew there were so many Amish in New York?
--Bowling Green Park
Overheard by: Lauhginallthe way
Recipe: 9 Months for a Gay Baby, 8 Months for a Thug
Gay thug #1: I wasn't hitting on you, I was still with my ex-boyfriend then.
Gay thug #2: Then? Nigga, I wasn't even gay eight months ago.
--Wendy's, W. 3rd Street
Overheard by: Lizzy Vegas
The Republican Convention Delegates: Where Are They Now?
A hobo is sitting on a bench next to a woman.
Hobo: Don't touch my butt, lady. I'm a virgin.
Woman: Oh, please.
Hobo: Get over it.
--Central Park
Soft Pretzels, Hard Questions
Woman: Can I get 2 pretzels to go?
Cart guy: To go? As opposed to what, eat in?
--Food cart, 52nd & 5th
Overheard by: Evan
All Women Date in Color: Green
Teen girl #1: I totally don't dream in color.
Teen girl #2: No, but you date in it.
--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
Overheard by: Lola Black
Chick #1: I want to see a play about interracial relationships. I want to have an interracial relationship.
Chick #2: I'm interracial; I have an interracial relationship with myself.
Chick #3: That's why you're so confused.
Chick #1: That's why you're so pretty.
--The Public Theater, Lafayette Street
A Daily NYC Scene (Telemundo Edition)
White girl: Excuse me...excuse me...Can I please get the fuck by?
Hispanic guy: You don't have to push, bitch!
White girl: Well, if you would stop with all that Mira! Mira! Mira! shit and stop looking and start listening maybe you wouldn't get yelled at like a dumbass!
--A train, 125th Street station
Overheard by: Dixie Mae
The Ultimate Bottom
Older queer: ...he ran right past his mother and plunged headfirst out the window. Nineteen stories down.
Younger queer: Oh my god! Was he on anything at the time?
Older queer: His mother said he was. But mothers always say that.
--23rd St. & 8th Ave.
Overheard by: djlindee
Free Transfers, From Bus to Train & Life to Death
Middle-aged woman: I just refilled my metrocard with $60.
Old woman: Really? I never put that much money on my card. I only put about $20 each time. What if I die? The money on that card will just sit there.
--M20 bus
Overheard by: Beatriz Vidal
Body of Christ: Easy on the Soul, Hard on the Stomach
Woman #1: Why aren't they getting married in the Church?
Woman #2: Well, they did the pre-Cana, but she had Irritable Bowel Syndrome...
--45th & 6th
Overheard by: Nick Draven
"No, but I did put you in handcuffs and beat you."
A black man and black woman sitting on a bench talking. A white guy walks by and the black man screams out: Hey, don't I know you? Hey! Don't I know you?
White guy: Naw, you don't know me.
Black guy: Sure I do.
White guy: Oh yeah? How do you know me?
Black guy: Didn't you arrest me once?
--136th & St. Nicholas
We Don't Serve Surgery Here Either
Old woman: What did you tell me I needed to pay for?! What was it?!
Barista: Some new teeth.
--Starbucks, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: cmatta
Quit Bragging About Your Stool
Hobo #1: I ain't kidding. It was the size of a personal pizza!
Hobo #2: Child, please. Ain't no fuckin' way.
--Washington Square Park
I'm Expecting a Call from Two Magpies
Chick #1: Is that your cell phone ringing?
Chick #2: Julie, those are birds.
--Central Park tennis courts
Overheard by: Susan Vrona Bijina
You Can't Do Something Bad at Times Square Anymore
Teen boy #1: We're getting back pretty late. What are you going to tell your mom?
Teen boy #2: I'll say we were at dinner until 10:00, and--
Teen boy #1: No way! We went to dinner at 6:15! There's no such thing as a four hour dinner!
Teen boy #2: Okay, I'll say that we went to dinner at 7:15, and that we stayed until 8:45 because it was a buffet...then we went and hung out at Times Square--
Teen boy #1: You should tell her that I did something bad, otherwise she'll be suspicious.
--N train
Girl #1: I heard on a show that Times Square was getting seedy again.
Girl #2: Times Square should be seedy. Tourists come here and they want to see hookers and pimps and drug dealers hanging around. Not the Prudential Financial display.
--Times Square
That's a Dumb Question! It's Wednesday One-liners
Little girl: Do I have to shave all over my body when I grow up? Where will I have to shave most? Where don't I have to shave? Tell me, you're old, you should know.
--New York Hall of Science, Flushing
Overheard by: Ting
NYU Chick: 2G? Does that mean it's on the ground floor?
--11th between Broadway and University
Woman: Would it help to keep a couple dead deer lying around to scare the other ones away?
--Union Square Greenmarket
Wednesday One-liners are Retarded
Guy: My life is beginning to feel distinctly like the Special Olympics.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Nick Bremer
Dude: All I'm wearing is the clothes on my back.
--D train
Fratboy: Yo, I'm pretty sure only the retarded baby survived!
--Cozy Cafe, 1st Street
Even a Penny for Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Anybody help me feed my stomach? No? I hope all you get home safe. And don't burn your house down. And don't smoke no crack.
--6 train
Overheard by: P. Von Kant
Hobo: I said I was hungry. Hungry. I can't eat this bird-food shit! Why'd you give me this?
--9th St. & 2nd Ave
Hobo: Wanna see the real Zoo York? Bend over and I'll show ya.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Dan Arcuri
Oh Me So Wednesday One-liners
Musician: See, that's why I don't drink. So I can fuck any time.
--26th between 6th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mike
Guy: Where can I go to make it look like I went home last night?
--56th & 9th
Overheard by: David
Ghetto chick: ...and it's not like I'm calling him a transsexual, but he gave oral like a starving lesbian.
--58th & 5th
Overheard by: Melissa
Let's Hop on a Bus, Wednesday One-liners
Man on cell: Yo Hamster! Oh, hey Tomato, whats goin' on?
--Bx12 bus
Overheard by: Courtney C
Girl on cell: I swear it had to be 8 or 9 inches long...yeah I know, I was shocked. It was the biggest damned cockroach I have ever seen...yes, a roach, what did you think I was talking about?
--Bx9 bus
Overheard by: ogie
Bus driver: Next stop 3rd Avenue. We'll be arriving in a week to 10 days...Anyone want to get off here? That'll be $50. Send me a check.
--M14D bus
Overheard by: Sherri
Let's Get Out of Here, Wednesday One-liners
Woman: I want to stay inside Disney World. I'm going to see the Bain de Soleil Circus and everything.
--50th & 7th
Overheard by: O. Pressed
Dude on cell: So he's getting married?...So he's getting married in Wyoming?...So he's getting married by Elvis?
--Houston & Varick
Teen mom: Someday I'm gonna get out of here and have fun. Like go to Gray's Papaya or something.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Tyla
Wednesday One-liners for the New German Pope
Preacher: What does God think of your sex life? Are you a winner or are you a chicken dinner?
--42nd Street station
Overheard by: Brian Lang
Teen boy: I must be the Antichrist! Every time I pass by a church it blows up. It's happened twice already!
--30th & 7th
Guy: Why? Because I'm lazy, and I'm Jewish!
--MacDougal Street
Overheard by: Nishad Shevde
Wednesday One-liners? Makes No Sense
Security Guard: ...and so now I have her DNA and I can, like, reproduce her any time I want.
--57th & West End
Overheard by: Kaitlyn
Drunk: Are you going to San Francisco?...Hey, I've been there! Why won't you believe me? Look at this tattoo I got there!...Shut up, bitch!
--LIRR
Overheard by: marissa
Woman: So did you know that cheese has the same chemicals as heroin in it? That's why people who eat cheese get so addicted to it.
--1st Avenue & 4th Street
Overheard by: alison
Wednesday One-liners
Lady: Girl, or all the hairs growin' out of my face, I'd take your wart in a second.
--Bally Sports Club, Madison & 43rd
Overheard by: Heather Hunter
Trendy boy: God, I feel so bad farting next to all these really expensive cars.
--Jacob Javits Center
Overheard by: Lindsay
Dude on cell: ...so I got into this fight last night and totally whaled on the dude...totally kicked his ass! His nose was bleeding and everything!....OK, I'll see ya later. Peace.
--Coffee Shop, Union Square West
He's a Little Too Chubby for Me
Chinese guy: Excuse me, I think I dropped my wallet in this store. Did you guys happen to see a wallet anywhere in here?
Clerk: I'm sorry sir, we are good Buddhist people, and we good Buddhist people are always moral, and we would never do such a thing as stealing your wallet.
Chinese guy: I never said you stole my wallet, I just asked if you've seen my wallet.
Clerk: Goodbye, please come again. Next on line!
Chinese guy: Go fuck Buddha!
Translated from the Chinese.
--Flushing store
Overheard by: Ting
"No, you should just get some Coke. Diet."
Teen girl #1: Noooo! Getting your cooch pierced be a bad idea. You know how much that shit hurts?
Teen girl #2: No shit! That's why I'm gonna be on E at the time. You think I'm stupid enough to do it sober?
--Columbus Circle station
Overheard by: Djlindee
Newsflash: They Don't Have Books
Teenage girl: Biggie, 50-Cent, Jadakiss, Usher, you're always writing all over your shit. I don't see them writing "Phil" all over their books.
--Wadleigh High, W. 114th Street
Chick #1: Who the fuck reads books. I mean, books?
Chick #2: I read books, bitch!
--86th & Broadway
Someone's Not Getting Laid Tonight
Girlfriend: It's just because she's so...unconventional.
Boyfriend: By "unconventional", do you mean "pretty"?
--86th & Park
Overheard by: CStix
Careful, He Wants You to Drop Your Guard
A large bearded black man is holding a big white sign that reads: NINJAS KILLED MY FAMILY. I NEED $$ TO LEARN KUNG-FU AND GET REVENGE.
Drunk yuppie: Ha, ha. So dude, are you really going to become a ninja?! Ha, ha!
Black guy: Nah, man. This is just for humor. This ain't for real.
--Broadway & 76th
Overheard by: M-Co
Fighting Communism was Funnier than Fighting Terrorism
A Russian lady mutters to herself: I want to be at the front of the line so I can pick my seat, I'm not sitting by some fat, smelly person.
She tries to cut to the front of the line, unsuccessfully.
Russian lady: I was here the whole time! I was standing right next to this lady!
This lady: No, she wasn't.
Conductor: You better get to the back of the line, ma'am.
Russian lady: But I was here the whole time! Where's your manager? I want to talk to the manager!
Conductor: Please step to the back of the line, you've gotta wait in line like everyone else.
Russian lady: I know what your problem is! I bet you don't like white people!
Everyone else in line burst out laughing, and she was escorted away by security.
--Port Authority
Woman: Well, at least the Mexicans are friendly and they're always working. Unlike those goddamn Russians! You know what I mean!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Real Life NYC Advertisements
Tourist boy: I thought Grand Central station was huge. Like, a whole city underground and stuff.
Tourist girl: Wait.
--6 train, pulling into Grand Central station
Overheard by: Jonathan
Tourist: Where is Saks Fifth Avenue?
New Yorker: On Fifth Avenue, you moron!
--46th & 6th
The Nicean Council, 2005
Dominican woman: "...angeles y arcangeles y cherubimes."...Cuales son cherubimes?
Dominican teen #1: Cherubims? Those are those angel babies, you know, with the wings?
Dominican teen #2: Yeah, like the ones on your shower curtain?
Dominican teen #1: Right.
Dominican woman: Y cuales son arcangeles?
Dominican teen #1: Ohhh...those are those big ones, with the big wings. And they're older.
--Rosa's Hair Salon, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Michael Kane
That's More of a "Canals of Mars" Thing
Fat guy #1: Yeah, she's from Italy, she went to Venus to visit her grandmother.
Fat guy #2: Venus? How do you get to Venus?
Fat guy #1: Gondola.
--Grand Central food court
Overheard by: Muffy St. Jacques
Out of Towners: Meet the Black Israelites
Black Israelite: I blame all our problems on white people, you fucking cock-sucking slave owners. My kippa brothers are gonna get you, you hear me?! They gon' get you.
--125th St. & 4th Ave.
Overheard by: Ting
If This Studio's A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'
Guy #1: I think that van has more floor space than our apartment.
Guy #2: My life is going nowhere. Line up, ladies!
--Lexington & 66th
I'm Going to Scream Real Loud
Guy #1: Did you watch your Pee Wee's Playhouse last night?
Guy #2: It didn't come!
--27th Street office
But The Elves Are On It
Guy #1: Oh shit! Santa's World!
Guy #2: For real? That shit is off the chain!
--Broadway between 23rd & 24th
Overheard by: Jon Feinstein
9 Months Later, They Had a Sicilian
Italian guy: Oh, fuck. My metrocard ran out. Think I can get on anyway?
Black bus driver: Yeah! But I'm sendin' Tony and Joey to come collect later!
Italian guy: Word, homey.
--M14 bus
Shoving Things "There": No Longer Weird
Bi guy #1: So do you have a lot of threesomes?
Bi guy #2: My girlfriend likes to see me take it up the ass. She's weird like that.
--Chelsea taxicab
Teen girl #1: How do you know it's uncomfortable?
Teen girl #2: Just put something in your ass and walk around with it.
Teen girl #1: In your ass?
Teen girl #2: Well, on your ass.
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sara R.
Drunk suit: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Irish barman: Only if you have an enema with you, 'cause I'm going to shove it up your arse when I'm done.
--Nancy Whiskey Pub, Lispenard Street
Still Smarter Than That Movie
Teen guy #1: My dad's gonna get me fucking Yankees tickets this year!Yankees tickets!
Teen guy #2: You said that last year, and it never happened.
Teen guy #1: Uh, Earth to moron, last year was different. I lied to you last year.
Teen guy #1: You are so fucking Zoolander, man.
--1 train
Next Summer: Three-Way Calling
Chick #1: She spent the whole summer blowing guys in the top bunk.
Chick #2: That's gross.
Chick #1: Yeah, I woke up one morning and she was like, "I hope I didn't keep you up with my fellatio", and I was like, "No, I got a phone call and I don't need to hear about your sex life."
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Wilsun Filups
NYers: Should People Eat Children?
Woman: Don't let your personal freedoms infringe on other people's rights!
Girl: Who is she talking to?...Holy shit, I love crazy people.
--40th & Broadway
Yuppie chick #1: Pork, it's the other other white meat.
Yuppie chick #2: No you idiot, that's baby. Pork is just the other white meat.
--Bryant Park
Cavemen Used Axe
Girl #1: So how was your date with him?
Girl #2: It was fun and everything but it bothers me that he has no smell. Not that he stinks, but he just smells too naturally human.
Girl #1: Oh my god! No cologne? What is he, living in the Stone Age?
--Washington Square park
Overheard by: Ting
Now All of New York is Applauding You
Cheryl: I can't believe he called me a bitch in a meeting with all of those people! I didn't know what to do!
Bitch: Cheryl, being called a bitch isn't an insult; it's applause. It means he didn't have anything really bad to say.
--23rd Street F station
Nothing Natural About Healing the Dead
Worker on phone: Good afternoon, Ms. Swank. We'd like to congratulate you on your recent Academy Award, and ask you to stop by and pick up your copy of Natural Healing.
--The Strand
She Makes Her Own Milk, Too
Man: I thought you were the type who made coffee at home.
Woman: I can easily make coffee at home. I'm having tea.
--Starbucks, 81st & Columbus
His Lips Are Sealed with Chap's Dick
Queer #1: I can't remember where you put my chapstick last night.
Queer #2: Really? I sure do.
Queer #1: Oh, shoot. I really needed them, my lips are really chapped.
--LaGuardia flight
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crossbreeding Humans and Bees: A Cautionary Tale
Woman #1: Ooh, the Macy's Flower Show is out. We should go see it.
Crazy guy: Psst! Psst! Flowers? I like flowers! Where are they, where can we go see them?
Woman #2: The Macy's Flower Show is going on right here.
Woman #1: I actually don't think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Flowers? I like flowers!
Woman #2: It hasn't started yet but it will be at Macy's.
Crazy guy: I'll go in this entrance to see the flowers.
Woman #2: But I don't think it started yet.
Crazy guy: What entrance are you going in to see the flowers? I like flowers.
Woman 2: I don't think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Oh. Well I'm gonna go see them cause I like flowers.
--33rd & Broadway
As Long As You Can Remember What She Tasted Like
Chick: Yeah man, this girl is totally wild. You should see some of the emails she sends me. The first night we met, I totally hooked up with her in the bathroom of Barracuda.
Guy: Damn, sounds like fun!
Chick: I know, but fuck if I remember what she looks like.
--Prince & Wooster
A Bird in Hand is Worth Two in the Bush
Paparazzo: So you two are really pretty, have you ever done any modeling?
Dutch girl #1: Ha ha ha, not me, maybe her.
Dutch girl #2: No, I am studying history at home.
Paparazzo: You really should consider it, there is great money in it and I would love to help you get started.
Dutch girl #2: Sounds interesting...what type of modeling?
Paparazzo: Well, nude sells the best. We can go over to my place and discuss it.
Dutch girl #1: Great!
Dutch girl #2: Maybe you can take some of us together.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stephanie Nally
Besides, He's Running For NJ Governor
Chick: I am so gonna marry your friend Chris!
Guy: You can't. He's gay.
--Union Square
Girl: ...and he was like so interesting. We talked all night long, and I was thinking I'm so gonna marry this guy--
Guy: Oh, honey. You can't.
Girl: Why not?
Guy: I'm dating him.
--42nd & 8th
Judge Them By Their Quotes
Hip Hop girl: Why do we always judge people on how they look?
Hip Hop boy: We're not judging them. We're judging their looks.
--42nd & 8th
You Two Are Both...Oh, Wait
Girl: Does your tan go away quicker when it's cold out?
Guy #1: Yeah, it's like why water turns white when it freezes.
Guy #2: You two are both idiots!
--58th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jester
You've Got to Pamper Them...Literally
Old black guy #1: You got to take care of your lady.
Old black guy #2: Uh huh.
Old black guy #1: Every now and then you got to let her do her nails, do her hair and wash her ass...
Old black guy #2: Uh huh!
--Avenue A between 1st and 2nd Street
I'm Converting My Tax Refund Into $60 Grams
Guy #1: How does my nose look?
Guy #2: You're good.
--Penn Station men's room
Overheard by: Christian
You Might Know It As Sharia
Indie kid #1: The Sidewalk Cafe is going to be, like, Mecca.
Indie kid #2: When the Anti-Folk Revolution occurs?
Indie kid #1: Yeah!
--Ave. A & 6th St.
No! Focus on Hating the White Devil!
Black chick: Watch who you pushing! You pushing me ever again, I'm gonna Bruce Lee your ass, motherfucker! Say you're sorry, chink!
Chinese guy: Go fuck yourself!
--Utopia Parkway
Overheard by: Ting
Once Again: Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels
Well-dressed girl #1: You know what?
Well-dressed girl #2: What?
Well-dressed girl #1: Throwing up at work really isn't as bad as it seems.
--Prince Street
Chick #1: ...so, I got these laxatives.
Chick #2: Did you take them?
Chick #3: No, but I never eat. I have, like, one orange a day.
--Columbus Circle
Girl: It might be time for anorexia.
--Columbia University gym
Overheard by: djlindee
A woman can be heard vomiting in the bathroom.
Maitre d': Did she drink too much or is she just watching her weight?
--Pastis, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Initials
The Very Limited Minutes Plan
An old Russian man has put his bag on the seat next to him. An old lady asks him to move it. He refuses as there are other seats albeit not in the front. Things get escalated until the old lady says: You're a son of a bitch. I'd like to see you hit me with that. I'll call the cops right now. I've got my cell phone!
--B1 bus
(After this exchange our editor handed her his card and told her that she would be on this site. She was confused on so many levels that they kind of cancelled out and she nodded & smiled.)
They Missed a Few in NYC
Columbia guy #1: It's a small world.
Columbia guy #2: Yeah, especially when they killed six million of us.
--Miller Theatre, Columbia University
Lady: ...yeah, but when they're all being led into gas chambers again, they'll be crying in their beer.
--Miller Park, The Bronx
Overheard by: Roisin Ni She
Book guy: I don't see that big swastika.
Girl: No, I don't either. And that big swastika was going to be my dad's birthday present.
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Overheard by: Jon Zebraskey
You Know You're Loose When the Homeless Call You On It
Chick on cell: That sounds good. Oh yeah...you promise? Well I guess we could manage that around 8 o' clock at Starbucks.
Hobo: Girl, you're dirty. At a coffee shop?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Ester Ellis
NYers: What Do You Think of Sin City?
Guy #1: It was artsy, girls don't like that.
Guy #2: How is it artsy? He ripped off a guy's nuts!
--Loews 34th St. men's room
Overheard by: Dan Dickinson
Dude: I thought it was great. Very visually arresting. I liked how they stayed true to the visual style of the comic book. Of course I say that having never read the comic book.
--Regal Cinemas Union Square
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Giving Smoking a Bad Name
Drunk Guy #1: You're gonna charge me a dollar for just one cigarette?
Drunk Guy #2: You think I'm gonna fucking give you change?
--46th St. & 8th Ave.
Overheard by: Ryan
Man on cell: I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes. I'm dying here, you're literally killing me.
--3rd Ave. & 12th St.
Overheard by: Este Bagato
It's Hard to See When You're Face Down in a Pillow
Queer: Excuse me, but what is the owner's name again?
Host: I am the owner.
Queer: Really?
Host: Yeah, there are five of us.
Queer: Damn. Well, which one did I fuck?
--THAT Bar, Smith Street
That Animal Speaks for All of Us
A dog pees on a hipster's leg.
Hipster: Dude! That is so not cool!
--McGolrick Park, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Didi Hylobates
They Also Killed Themselves (Hint, Hint)
Tourist boy: Daddy, I hate Ground Zero. Can't we go?
Tourist dad: Well, the terrorists hated it too, but they came here.
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: Steven Vames
I'd Finally Get to Have Sex
Guy #1: I wonder how much it would cost to get married in Vegas and then get an annulment the next day.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: I dunno. I've been thinking of doing that, just for fun.
Guy #3: What would be the point?
Guy #1: ...what do you mean, "what would be the point"?
--NYU dining hall
Hey, Have You Heard of This New Invention? It's Called "Learning".
Woman #1: ...so some asshole put what I said about my sex life on this site, OverheardInNewYork.com.
Woman #2: What's that?
Woman #1: Some website where people put up what they overhear.
Woman #2: Oh, don't worry, nobody probably goes to those sites anyway.
Woman #1: Yeah, you're probably right.
--21st St. & 6th Ave.
Overheard by: Tommy Wooh
It's THE TRUTH
Tourist fratboy #1: It said "Free Stress Test."
Tourist fratboy #2: What's Dianetics, anyway?
--Times Square
Overheard by: KN
How Not to Hook Up in NYC
Chick: I don't get Spanish guys. They compliment you every time you pass them. They always say things like, "You have beautiful legs, in my country it is an honor for a woman to be told she has beautiful legs". Well, you're in NY now, honey, and I'm a bitch!
--5th Ave. & 82nd St.
Player: Excuse me miss, you're even better looking than J. Lo. Can I have your autograph?
--Fulton Street mall
Hobo: Hey, you a pretty lady. You married?...I got food stamps!
--Astoria
Overheard by: mj
The ACLU Filed Suit Moments After
Conductor: Look, people. Okay. When we say "stay clear of the closing doors", that means don't push a closing door back open. Don't stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don't hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn't rocket science. God, it's not even high school science.
--1/9 train
Starvation Does Induce Trances
Girl: There's a deli now.
Guy: They moved to Delhi?
Girl: No, there's an Israeli deli there now, which tells you something about the scene.
Guy: I thought they moved to Delhi "where the trance scene is happening".
--27th street office
Wednesday One-liners are Criminal
Homeboy: I don't discriminate. If anyone messes with my family, or my kids, I'm taking their life.
--Bx21 bus
Overheard by: Fiona
Chick on cell: I don't know...I think I'm in Queens. The train's above ground...I lost my keys and I have to be at work in 45 minutes. I'll guess I'll go in the same clothes...I don't know what he does. I think something at night, though. I took his money.
--7 train
Girl on cell: That's very nice to diagnose yourself like that but, really, fuck you...I still think you're, like, a sociopath or something.
--6th Ave. between 50th & 51st
Develop a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners
Woman: I'm so sick of boyfriends. I want to be single forever. Fingers and vibrators are it!
--43rd St. & 10th Ave.
Overheard by: Jenn X
Girl on cell: I'm telling you, the MTA is like a bad boyfriend. You're all dressed up and ready to go and the fucking train doesn't even show up! And the worst part is the next time you totally show up again, ready to go and just have to hope to God that the stupid train shows up. What the hell is that?
--45th & 8th
Black girl: It felt like I was losing my virginity all over again. That was some King Kong kind of shit.
--E train
Overheard by: Philip
Wednesday One-liners Mean Business
Asian yuppie: I think Victoria's Secret is turning into the new McDonald's.
--18th & 6th
Guy: Oh man, Gristedes can suck me off!
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Chick on cell: She just got this amazing job where she can live anywhere she wants in the Midwest!
--Prince & Broadway
Lady: You don't have plastic bags? This is New York!
--Chipotle, E. 8th Street
Racialist Wednesday One-liners
Chick on cell: You know what's weird? You're a nigger but in pictures you look like a white boy. Why is that?
--F train
Overheard by: Julie
Black guy on cell: They black people down there! I'm from New York, I don't know nothing about black people!
--Boerum Hill bodega
A Black man with a cane approaches a white girl sitting on steps and says: Have you ever, since the day you were born till the minute you woke up this morning, desired a black man?
--18th & 8th
Girl: I don't want to be racist. I mean, not out loud.
--Broadway & Houston
Cashier: I am so sick of Destiny's Child!
--Virgin Megastore, Union Square
Dreaming of Wednesday One-liners
Contractor on cell: Uncle Monty left his nightmares at home last night.
--Park Slope
Girl on cell: ...since we lived underwater we were seapeople, and we were a lot like seahorses, and you were pregnant because, you know, male seahorses carry the baby. And then we had to go on land for you to have the baby...
--Hunter College cafeteria
Woman on cell: I'm telling you, this guy is the man of my dreams. The only thing that could go wrong at this point is if he turns out to be, like, 4'11" or something.
--Prospect Heights
(cf. this entry.)
Backdoor Wednesday One-liners
Drunk: If God didn't want us to be gay, He wouldn't have put our g-spot all the way up our ass!
--3rd Ave. between 11th & 12th
Overheard by: Zack
Fratboy: So if I tell her I wanna put my tongue up her ass, you think she'll relate to me?
--1st Ave. & 10th St.
Overheard by: Sarah T.
Fiancee: OK, fine. You can have strippers at your bachelor party. But if I hear you stuck your dick in some nasty hooker's ass, I'm never sucking it again.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Mad William Flint
Woman: Yeah, whatever, Mr. Doesn't-Know-What-a-Suppository-Is!
--The Angelica, Houston Street
Goombah: Nah, nah, nah...I'd suck a guy's dick balls deep, but I would never eat a man's ass. That's just gay.
--Williamsburg
Wednesday One-liners for Dad's Wife
Guy on cell: You've got the best job: being a mom.
--42nd between 6th & Madison
Woman: ...maybe because I got my period in the 4th grade and looked like everybody's mother by the 6th grade. I was huge.
--27th street office
Mom: Now, this is not the Louvre, so don't be jaded or anything.
--Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Cat Pop
Drunk: If a woman hadda right to choose where I come from, I wouldn't be here today!
--Odessa Cafe, Avenue A
Overheard by: Ted Lattis
Chick: I saw my mother on stage in underwear and a bra with motorized tassels...
--13th & 5th
Overheard by: Caroline Norris
It's Wednesday One-liners, Dumbass
Drunk woman on cell: It's been Tuesday all day! And tomorrow's gonna be Tuesday too!
--St. George, Staten Island
Overheard by: johnny
Teen girl: So, if I didn't pass a drug test, does that mean I, like, failed?
--Pratt
Southern girl: ...so I asked her what the "M" on her bag stood for. She was all, "It stands for Margaret, 'cause it's my name." And I was all, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I keep forgettin', 'cause we been calling you Maggie."
--7 train
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Asian woman: Excuse me, what time is the 7:17 train?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Adman
Wednesday One-liners
Woman: A hundred dollars worth of squeaky toys and you eat garbage off the floor! I don't get it.
--22nd & 7th
Overheard by: debo
Teenage boy: Once I hit the blind kid that lives downstairs with a ball and I felt so bad but it had me thinking, "what if he got his sight back by me hitting him?". I would be like, "yo, you have your sight back thanks to me, give me some money."
--2 train
Girl on cell: Your ass is, like, slightly cuter than my face.
--Union Square
He Would Make Sure of This How?
British parks guy: Yeh, fishin' shit outta pools like this is me specialty.
Dude: Yeah, that's great, but our frisbee is stuck in a tree.
British parks guy: Throwin' yer frisbee at the birds, eh? You better make sure they don't come after ye in yer dreams and peck yer fuckin' eyes out.
--Central Park
Overheard by: NG
Spring is in the Air (Alongside TB)
Hobo #1: I love you.
Hobo #2: Get the fuck out of here.
Hobo #1: What?
Hobo #2: You are going to fuck with me and you are going to get yourself hurt. I mean it!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: bebe
That's the One With the High Kicking, Right?
American lady: I saw you trying to get ahead of me.
Russian lady: No, no I didn't.
American lady: Oh yes, you did. You were trying to pull that Russian two-step on me!
--Waldbaum's, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
Go Back to Elsewhere!
Tourist lady #1: Oh, it's worth paying the cab fare. I mean, the subway...well, after September 11th it's just not safe, you know?
Tourist lady #2: You've ridden the subway before?
Tourist lady #1: No, it smells weird.
--Hunt Valley bus
Overheard by: Katie Cheek
Prospective girl #1: OK, so tomorrow, let's all wear our "I Heart NY" t-shirts.
Prospective girl #2: Yeah! And I can wear my Columbia sweatshirt over it!
--Morningside Heights
Toddler: Why is Jack-Jack's name "Jack-Jack"? Why not regular Jack?
Mom: That's just a nickname. I think his real name is just plain Jack.
Toddler: Can my nickname be Johann-Johann?
--1 train
Overheard by: Matt G
Puts Her in the Stirrups Anyway
Girl #1: So you have a hot gyno?
Girl #2: No, he's just my regular doctor.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #2: Yeah.
--Art Bar, 8th Avenue
Her Body Was Never Found
Girl: Where are you taking me?
Guy: Home.
Girl: No, seriously?
Guy: Home, you think I'm kidding?
Girl: ...seriously?
Guy: We're going to my place, yeah. Why?
Girl: I just met you.
They both got out of the subway together.
--2 train
Overheard by: charlie moreno
"If I was you, I'd give me a dollar."
Hobo: Please man, can I have 25 cents? It's to eat, ya know...
Man: Here you go. But if I was you, I'd eat something else.
--Hylan Boulevard, Staten Island
Overheard by: Helniev
The Sickeningly Sweet Scent of Sodomy
Girl: Hey, are you gay?
Guy: Er, yeah I am. How'd you know?
Girl: Score! My gaydar is never wrong! Ever since I came out of the closet it's just always on!
--B49 bus
Overheard by: Arthur B
The Really Special Olympics
Drunk #1: This little guy was almost in the Olympics for me...he was almost the donkey I never had.
Drunk #2: Donkey?
Drunk #1: Yeah, like a horse.
--N train
Kind of a Monthly Issue with Some Women
Guy: My roommate is such a pain in the ass. It's always something with her. She never stops complaining about something.
Girl: I know, same thing at my house.
Guy: She gets me so fed up it's like all i hear now is, "Wah wah, my pussy hurts."
--Penn Plaza office
Overheard by: Ocera
"I'll teach you the meaning of bon pain."
Little old man: Hold on! That card is full, so I get one free.
Jamaican lady: I know! I see!
Little old man: Don't be gettin' fresh with me either.
Jamaican lady: Or what? What you goin' do?
--Au Bon Pain, Broad Street
Overheard by: Mark S.
"...lots of red junk in the trunk, too."
Thug: This was what I was tryin' to tell him. I mean, why not? We got thumbs just like them monkeys.
Thugette: Yeah.
Thug: Some people even look like them apes too. You ever seen someone who looks like an ape?
Thugette: Yeah. She was pretty.
--Museum of Natural History
"Because that zebra gave me his gum!"
Guy #1: ...and he just kept chewing and chewing. Man, I felt so bad.
Guy #2: Dude, why did you give a Twizzler to a giraffe?
--Astoria
"Oh. So you're Korean."
White guy: You know, on the Tokyo subways they have people who push passengers onto trains. Uh, have you ever been to Tokyo?
Asian guy: No.
White guy: Oh. Are you Japanese?
Asian guy: No.
White guy: Oh. Where you from?
Asian guy: Queens.
--N train
Overheard by: Rich
"...it was kids who caused the bubble to burst."
Care for Kids fundraiser: Excuse me, can I talk to you real quick? I know you're in a rush but this will only take a second.
Suit: Sorry, I don't care.
--Maiden Lane & Water Street
Overheard by: Jack C.
Nothing is More Hilarious Than Extreme Disease
Big booty girl #1: Bubble Boy. I love that movie.
Big booty girl #2: Yeah me, too.
Big booty girl #1: No, I really love that movie.
Big booty girl #2: Yeah, it's funny.
Big booty girl #1: That used to be my ex-boyfriend and me's movie...but that's not why I love it.
--Times Square
The Yard: A Classic Staple of Inner City Poverty
Girl: Damn, those headphones are fucking ghetto!
Boy: Shut up, they're not that bad.
Girl: Um, actually they're beyond ghetto. They're...backyard.
--Penn Station
Unlike Those Absurd Fortune Cookies
Barista: "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."
Guy: Excuse me?
Barista: I was reading the tea bag tag.
Guy: You read a lot of tea bags?
Barista: Sometimes they have something important to say.
--51st St. deli
FLASH: Golden Showers Are Officially Outre
Man #1: ...so it was like a gilded lily.
Man #2: Ha ha. What does that mean, exactly?
Man #1: Well, a lily is already beautiful, so it doesn't have to be, y'know, gilded.
Man #2: Like the gays?
Man #1: Exactly.
--Xing, 9th Ave & 52nd St.
Overheard by: C. Marisol de la Rosa
It's Only a Threat If It's Not Acted Upon
Man: So these teenagers threatened to kill you?
Woman: Yeah...
Man: Why didn't you call the police?
Woman: I was on the subway, how am I suppose to call the police?
Man: I can't believe you told me this. Now what am I suppose to do with this piece of information?
--M72 bus
Non-bitch: There's a man over there in a green jacket who called me a bitch and threatened to kill me because I wouldn't give him the time.
--59th & Lexington
Who Doesn't Hate A Lifetime of Sores?
Girl #1: Don't be fuckin' with him. That nigga got herpes in his mouth. He gave it to my girl Chelisa.
Girl #2: Del is too fine to have herpes in his mouth. You're hating.
--A train
Overheard by: joey montana
I Don't Speak American Brands
British chick: This hot chocolate is amazing.
New Zealand chick: I love those Swiss Maid things.
--27th Street office
Opinion Are Like Assholes; Here's Two of Them
Queer #1: Honey, can you imagine if you had two holes?
Queer #2: Hmm.
Queer #1: Could you fart in stereo? Do you shit out of both holes? If you are going to get fucked and you did a Fleet in one hole, but not the other, do you tell the guy which hole is clean? And suppose you forget which one and he strikes oil?
--The Dish, 8th Ave. & 21st St.
Laina and Nathan (A NYC Short Story)
Man: Why'd you read all my email?
Woman: I only did it once.
Man: Yeah, right. You mentioned whether I wrote to Barry about that girl from Canada out of the blue, where'd that come from?
Woman: Why would I lie?
Man: It's against the law. You violated me. I'd never do that to you.
Woman: You'd do it.
Man: No.
Woman: You don't get it.
Man: I do.
Woman: Here, read my email.
Man: No.
Woman: Read mine!
Man: Laina, no!
Woman: "I liked the way you touched me after yoga class--"
Man: Laina, it was a joke!
Woman: It's not funny.
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You fucked her! And what about Match.com girl? You gave her your home email.
Man: Please. When was this?
Woman: January. What is that? You want to screw other people? Why is that?
Man: Laina...it was a joke.
Woman: Oh, and what about this? "I love the way your long hair shakes down onto my chest. I will have to repay you soon."
Man: I didn't pay her a dime.
Woman: Two weeks later you went with me and my family to the Vineyard.
Man: You have every right to be upset. It was once, honey!
Woman: You told me you loved me!
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You don't joke like this with someone you used to fuck and still likes you.
Man: I didn't fuck her.
Woman: She still likes you.
Man: Laina.
Woman: You're sick, Nathan! You hear me?! You're just sick!
--Cafe Pick Me Up, Avenue A
Overheard by: Gideon Wallace
Gums and Cum: Perfect Together
Toothless bag lady: I don't know what it is with this town anymore. I guess no one likes blowjobs. I give great blowjobs! Maybe I'm charging too much.
Cop: What are you charging?
Toothless bag lady: $100.
Cop: That's pretty steep...
--Times Square
Overheard by: Spiney
That Went Without Saying
Guy: She did this album made up entirely of processed sex noises. It's her and her boyfriend having sex in various sundry ways. She got mentioned in a British newspaper and then the Daily News picked it up. And now it looks like she's going to have a record deal. Most of it is...it's kind of German, you know?
--27th Street office
The NYC Attitude: Nature or Nurture?
Mom: If you don't get up off that bench, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Boy: Can't kick my ass if I'm sitting on it, can ya?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jessica
But Can He Get a Cab in Rome?
Guy #1: The next Pope might be black.
Guy #2: That guy's not black. He's African.
--Staten Island ferry
Going to the Talkies (A NYC Short Story)
Old lady: What's going on here?
Woman on line: They're premiering a new film by Todd Solondz
Old lady: Yeah, but what's it about?
Woman on line: It's a pretty dark, sadistic movie.
Old lady: What's it about? Did you not understand me the first time?
Woman on line: I haven't seen it yet so I don't know!
Old lady: Jesus. Standing on line for god knows how long and you don't know a damn thing about what you're there for!
--outside Chelsea Cinemas, W. 23rd Street
Overheard by: Abbie Mullaney
Today, He is Truly an African-American
Black guy: Good god. I had to actually work today.
Indian chick: By "work" you obviously mean taking credit for the many hours of hard labor endured by my fellow Indian IT brethren who report to you. You exploiting bastard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slavery. But I'm Black.
Indian chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: drama
"...I was hoping it was yesterday."
Mouhbreather: Ralph, what time is 19?
Ralph: 7.
Mouthbreather: 7? Damn.
----Quizno's, King's Highway & Coney Island Ave.
Today's Forecast: It's Raining Men
Queer: I heard Matt Lauer is gay.
Fag hag: No, I think he's married.
Queer: Well, you know Sam Champion is gay, right?
Fag hag: Yeah, he's open about it.
Queer: He and his lover came to Bloomingdale's to buy bedding. They used to buy a lot of bedding.
--F train
The NYC Subways (A Very Short Story)
Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don't just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease...Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!
The doors finally close.
Hobo: It's about fucking time! We're riding slower than if I was on a turtle's back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!
A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.
Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That's too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please...cocksucker...Por. Favor.
--E train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
That Place Being Any NYC Taxi
Asian guy: But it's the 21st century!
White guy: That's true, but there's always a place for racism.
--13th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: E. Jung
A preppy boy whistles and waves at a cab. The cab ignores him, and as it passes the boy yells: What's your problem, am I Black or something?
--Park & 55th
That's More of a Reflection on You
Head waiter: I'm sorry sir, but you can't smoke in here.
Cigarette guy: I can't smoke in here? Next thing you'll tell me I can't fuck in the bathroom.
--Cipriani's, 42nd Street
Overheard by: trey constant
Lestat is Spinning in His Grave
Ghetto queer: ...my favorite author is Patricia Cromwell. Her books are insane! They're all about murder. It gets so crazy that the FBI even gets involved and shit! She's my girl.
Ghetto chick: I like urban novels.
Ghetto queer: What's that?
Ghetto chick: You know, like reality. Stuff about life on the streets.
Ghetto queer: Mmm...I can't get into that. I got enough reality in my life. But my sister is getting me into this vampire stuff.
--G train
Overheard by: Jim
Actually, It Stands for The Highest Quality Journalism
Man: How is AM New York?
Woman: It's good, easy. Easy reading. It's not heavy.
Man: What does AM stand for?
Woman: Umm...I think it stands for morning. Like, morning New York.
Man: Morning! I never thought of that. Yeah, morning New York. That's good.
--1 train
Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer
Clearly Not From Stuyvesant
HS boy #1: So you are like Chinese, right?
HS boy #2: No dude, I'm Peruvian.
HS boy #1: Where in China is that?
--4 train
Overheard by: Richard Bird
I Know What You Do In The Bathroom
A buzzing sound emanates from a woman's purse.
Woman #1: Oh, that's my electric toothbrush.
Woman #2: So that's what the kids are calling it these days.
--Midtown elevator
She's Here, She's Queer, She's Not Used to It
Lesbian #1: She told me they were having sex.
Lesbian #2: But what does she mean by sex? Do she mean like, fisting or with strap-ons, or what?
Lesbian #1: Well, she just came out, so I don't think she knows yet.
--Bonnie's Grill, Park Slope
Overheard by: Andrea
The European Union: Quite Important
Tourist guy #1: So what countries make up the Netherlands?
Guide: The Netherlands are one country. It's also called Holland.
Tourist guy #1: Oh, yeah. Sorry. How about The Hague? Is that one of the countries in the Netherlands?
Guide: Ahhhhh.
Tourist guy #2: You're all confused! It's all about Benelux! That's Holland, The Hague, and The Lux. They're all sort of together in the EU.
Tourist #1: The EU?
Guide: ...and right over there is Roosevelt Island.
Tourist #1: Oh, I've heard of that! Is that in New York or Brooklyn?
--The UN
Overheard by: Darko Vather
Gaelic is the New Ebonics
Girl: He wears Timberlands.
Guy: Is he black?
Girl: No, He's Irish.
--48th & 7th
Overheard by: Harmony
That Depends on Which One is Fatter
Asian girl: But see, pretty people don't look for people who are gorgeous. If you're good looking, you don't need to look for someone cute. You don't need to look for more of that.
Hispanic girl: Mm-hmm.
Asian girl: You know, you look for a complement to you in a relationship.
Hispanic girl: So which one of us is the ugly one?
--14th & 3rd
That's More of a Blowjob Than a Root Canal
Guy: I do know a lot about plastic compounds. I think I could perform basic dentistry. I mean all they do is drill a little and then put some goo in your teeth, right?
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Jason Strom
(Another reader overheard it a little differently.)
"Yes, the scar is contingent on Middle East conflict."
Woman: How did you get that big scar on your face?
Man: The war in Iraq.
Woman: That's still going on?
--42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Jonathan
"...and because I see you doing it all the time, Mommy."
Mother: Honey! Why are you walking on your knees?
Little girl: Because my feet hurt.
--50th & 8th
I'm Thinking Psych Majors
Preppy girl #1: So my mom was like, "I'm serious, stop being a retard or I'll send you back."
Preppy girl #2: Really? She'd send you back?
Preppy girl #1: Yeah, for being a retard. What the fuck.
Preppy girl #2: I dunno, man. What the fuck.
--Barnard college
Overheard by: Alix Griffith-Rand
Wednesday One-liners for the KKK
Stumbling drunk: Viva Mexico! Fuck all the niggers! I hate niggers! Viva Mexico!
--Union Square
Woman: ...and did you hear him say that he brainwashed my husband when he was in Iraq?
--27th Street elevator
Old junkie: You red-headed nigga! I saw you on 2nd street! You had an office...in somone's funky ass! And you're from Europe!
--F train
Overheard by: Ali
Moms Love Wednesday One-liners
Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!
--2/3 train
Mother: Come here. You're seven years old and you can't fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.
--W. 53rd & 10th
Overheard by: James Shannon
Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they'd learn how to pronunciate words correctly.
--Angelo's, 55th Street
Wednesday One-liners Are Bad Ideas
Lesbian: Oh my god! And then all you'd have to do is puke on her and we'd all be even!
--Ginger's Bar, Park Slope
Guy: Man, don't worry about kicking that guy's ass. Like Jesus said, "Turn the motherfucking cheek", you know?
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: PB
Stalkee: ...so then out of the blue I get an email that's like, "Remember me? I broke up with your neighbor like 6 months ago. Wanna get together?"
--Mugs Ale House, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Scalper: Rangers tickets! New York Rangers tickets for sale!
--41st & 7th
Two Sides of the Story: Wednesday One-liners
Guy: I asked her, "Do you have any retail experience?" and she answered, "No, but I used to sell my body."
--Stonehome Wine Bar, Lafayette Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anna
Woman: I was two fisting, unfortunately.
--APT, W. 13th Street
Guy: I think he drank like a gallon of olive oil and some minerals, and he was shitting stones.
--27th Street office
Sexed Up Wednesday One-liners
Girl: I wanted to do something like Jenny On The Block. You know: Jennifer Lopez. My character is really hot, but she looks a little psycho.
--13th St. & 3rd Ave.
Teenage girl: Bitch! I did not give you syphilis. I gave you crabs.
--13th St. & 2nd Ave.
Overheard by: Chris Carter
Asian boy: If I could name you anything, it would be "titty".
--F train
Overheard by: Nathalie
Wednesday One-liners: Cocks & Trains
Girl: ...so I told him to suck his own dick if he thinks he can do it any better.
--G train
Overheard by: Ocera
Little boy: Mommy, mommy, do you have a penis?
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
JHS kid: ...so I said, "He's gonna make you stay after class and he's gonna pull down your fucking pants and shove his fucking cock up your ass!"
--Times Square shuttle
Overheard by: Lizzy
Bloody Wednesday One-liners
Queer on cell: Yah, well, Terri Schiavo died this week, and so did the Pope. So it's been a pretty good week.
--Chumley's, Bedford Street
Overheard by: Initials
Girl on cell: Fuckety fuck fuck, I forgot to put on a tampon this morning. Shit, shit, shit! I'm screwed, Lizette, I'm screwed.
--Bensonhurst
Girl on cell: Don't walk in the blood! Don't walk in the blood! Oh ah aah!...Thanks lady, thanks for walking in the blood.
--Essex & Rivington
Overheard by: Nicole A.
Wednesday One-liners: Questions
Fat old lady: Do you happen to know who wrong the song "Who Let the Dogs Out"?
--Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street
Old woman: What do you want me to talk about? You don't want to hear about my dog. You don't want to hear about my cat. What else is there to talk about?
--N train
Overheard by: Nim G
Blueblood woman: Yesterday I was in here and got 2 tomatoes and left them here. Have they been found?
--Bleecker Street grocery
Wednesday One-liners
Construction guy: That Barney Rubble, he's some actor.
--South Street Seaport bar
Overheard by: Keith McCarthy
Guy: She's a spoiled rotten brat. She's rich as shit and gets everything she wants. It fucking pisses me off. I can't stand her...the only reason I know all this is 'cause I hang out with her like 24 hours a day.
--1 train
Hobo: Hillary Clinton and Pee-Wee Herman are Democrats! I am a Republican!
--12th St. & 7th Ave.
Overheard by: Caroline N
Oh. Snap.
Guido #1: So what you you think about this new shirt?
Guido #2: It's fucking great. You should buy another one just like it and throw them both out.
--Hudson Hotel, W. 58th Street
Overheard by: MIchael G
Someone Reeks of Suburbia
Guy: Where is the nearest subway?
Girl: We are not eating at Subway.
--Thompson & Bleecker
Overheard by: Charles Star
Only If It's The Mouth
Guy #1: Hit him in the fucking head.
Guy #2: Fuck him in the head.
Guy #1: Yo, that's mad homoerotic, son.
--St. Mark's Ale House, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Eric
She Was First Appointed by Mayor HR Pufnstuf
Teenage girl #1: So Judge Judy is a racist.
Teenage girl #2: Isn't she in charge of all the New York judges, don't they all report to her?
Teenage girl #3: Nah, I think she's just in charge of the TV judges.
--2 train
Overheard by: Lisa Marshall