Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
April 2005 Archives
Somehow Osama Remains At Large
Chick #1: I think Moron Titty is a great code name. Like, if you go into the CIA? I think you should be Agent Moron Titty.
Chick #2: Yeah, my nipples have an I.Q. of, like, 75.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: djlindee
Plan B: Sit on a Hive
Girl #1: She is like, mad flat.
Girl #2: I know, right?
Girl #1: So I hear that she wears two pairs of pants to make her butt look bigger!
--A train
Rick Santorum, Eat Your Heart Out
Queer #1: Honey, my vagina is itchy.
Queer #2: So scratch it.
--16th & 8th
Overheard by: Winnie
Does She Fuck Chicks or Does She Fuck Eggs?
Graphics girl: OK, I'm a chitter-chatterbox.
Editor: Did you just say you're a chicken pederast?
--27th Street office
Where Are They Now?: Kathleen Kennedy Townsend
Preppy guy: Are you sure?
Non-Preppy guy: I'm telling you...I think she's a prostitute.
Preppy guy: She doesn't have the face for it.
Non-Preppy guy: I know, but she does have the body.
Preppy guy: That's a fucking shame if she is one. Her family has billions and billions of dollars. She doesn't need to be doing that.
--Prime Burger, 51st Street
Overheard by: Shirley Grace
Gypsies and Germans? Sounds Familiar...
Girlfriend: Is that a caravan outside Deutsche Bank?
Boyfriend: Pikeys.
--Wall & William
Just So Long as You Remember to Swallow
NYU chick #1: Aren't vegetarian hot dogs just as sketchy as normal hot dogs?
NYU chick #2: Maybe, but I would rather eat the stamen of a sketchy plant than the anus of a sketchy pig.
--Criff Dogs, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: djlindee
Fucking a Hamburger is Kind of a Gray Area
Boy #1: Do you want to split a bun?
Boy #2: No! I'm not gay!
Boy #1: "Split a bun" means a fucking hamburger, you asshole!
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: CAP
It's Not Capitalism If There Aren't Hobos with AIDS
Woman #1: I'm talking about beggars who ask for money, say they have AIDS, and will spit on you.
Woman #2: That's not really begging anymore, now is it?
Woman #1: No...that's called Free Enterprise.
--70th & 2nd
Overheard by: nita
They Prefer the Term "Mole People"
Construction worker #1: Make it look nice for the homeless here!
Construction worker #2: Oh yeah!
--Broadway/Lafayette station
Society is Collapsing All Around Us
Guy: I wish they played music in these things so it wouldn't be so awkward.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Gabe Connor
I Think That Kid Was Flirting
Teacher: Settle down! You three are always running around like you're in a parade or something!
Goofus: Mister, you're your own gay pride parade.
--R train
The Seamen Just Kept On Coming
Fashionista #1: I lost my virginity on a cruise.
Fashionista #2: Have you ever been on a cruise?
Fashionista #1: By "cruise" I mean "Russia".
--Midtown office
Sorry, the Correct Answer is "Scatophage"
Woman #1: You just know that's going to be David in a few years. The one with $6 million just sitting in the bank.
Woman #2: I know. You wouldn't expect it of him, though.
Woman #1: Yeah. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of insane he is.
Woman #2: Hmm. Manic, maybe?
--6 train
They Know Not What They Do...or Say
Guy #1: I don't care about the goddamn pope anymore! What is it, it's on the front page of every paper. Who cares?
Guy #2: I know, he's going to die in a few years anyway.
--20th & 7th
Overheard by: Tom
Rarely is Anti-Semitism This Explicit
Chick #1: He's so hot.
Chick #2: Eww.
Chick #1: What eww?
Chick #2: Um, he's wearing a shirt that says "Spin my dreidel, and by dreidel I mean cock, and by spin I mean suck".
Chick #1: That is a valid point.
--Asylum, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: djlindee
Too Bad She Stole Your Jewelry
Middle-aged woman #1: Yeah, my cleaning woman is the greatest! Last time, she color-matched and coordinated all of my lipsticks and arranged them in a row for me!
Middle-aged woman #2: Oh my god! I'd swoon!
--Midtown elevator
The Torch Has Been Passed
Guy: Have you seen Torch?
Girl: Oh, he dead. He fell out a window.
Guy: Ohhhh shit!
--D train
Overheard by: dopepope
Save It for Valentine's Day
Girl #1: Did you see how drunk he was?
Girl #2: Yeah, that's why I was hurrying him off the bus. I just knew he was going to vomit on me. I could see it...the vomit. Not tonight.
--Morris Park, The Bronx
Overheard by: Reg Johnson
How Many Licks Does It Take?
Freestyling hobo: Sex on TV will never stop. My big dick in a lollipop.
Bonus: The blueblood ladies walking by gasped.
--40th & 2nd
Pre-Class Registration Starts Once A Month
Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in biotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?
--1 train
Overheard by: Manhattman
Gawker Stalker, I Think You Missed One
Katie Holmes: He introduced me to his kids! And he's taking me to Rome on a private jet this weekend.
--Starbucks, Waverly Place
Overheard by: robinshire
I Remembered to Mention, It's More Gross Than Cute
A pregnant woman shows an ultrasound photo to her friend and says: Look, it's my boo!
Friend: You look great. It's freaking weird. You're like a host...an alien host or something.
Pregnant woman: Oh, I forgot to mention, I think it's cute!
--Zeytinia, 2nd & 94th
Overheard by: Emerson Beyer
Remember: No Eucharist After Midnight
Kid: John Paul II was like Furby...and this new guy is like a gremlin.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: jessi
Wednesday One-liners, Ladies
Tall woman on cell: ...there's something I haven't told you too: I've been sleeping with hundreds of women all this time!
--4th Ave. & 10th St.
Guy: Dude, who needs a date when you've got a vagina?
--8th & University
Overheard by: Chitin
Chick on cell: He said I'm high maintenance. I am not high maintenance...I'm crazy, but I'm not high maintenance.
--Uncle Ming's, Avenue B
Overheard by: djlindee
Classy Wednesday One-liners
Dowager: I'll take a Swiss cock, please. That looks good.
--Bakery, 58th & 7th
Man on cell: That stuff was too expensive. Why don't I just buy one of those cheap necklaces on the street and you can put in a blue boz and say it was from Tiffany's.
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: Angie
Preppy: Hey Dave, put another beer in this cooze!
--Blind Tiger Ale House, Hudson Street
Ebony & Wednesday One-liners
Black woman: I kept telling him, "You don't see a black woman from the ghetto every day." He has to understand.
--51st Street station
Parking attendant: All the white people I know are crooks.
--Parking lot, 46th between 8th and 9th
Overheard by: eristic
Jewish Professor: ...for example, we have the white people that vote, and we have the nig...bla...African-Americans that vote...
--NYU classroom
Spare Some Change, Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: I'm homeless! I'm battling child abuse! The Jews and the Irish are spreading lies about me!
--14th Street between 5th & Union Square
Overheard by: a Jewish-Irish girl
Hobo: Nice chickie, hot, another one, good, love them, there's a good one. No, wait: that's a guy.
--29th & Madison
Bald hobo: If I was tall they'd braid my hair! But no, I'm short, so they won't braid my hair!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Jeremy
Hobo: I'm technologically impaired. Spare a cell phone? An iPod?
--St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Rose Yndigoyen
Not-So-Educated Wednesday One-liners
Woman: Hi, I just realized today that my wallet was stolen a month ago.
--Chase Manhattan, Broadway & 73rd
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Guy: I'll have a Mahatma grande.
--Starbucks, Broadway & 98th
Lady: If it was a real fortune-teller or whatever, they're not supposed to charge you, right?
--78th & 2nd
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Educated Wednesday One-liners
Man: I'm, like, the MacGyver of orthoscopic surgery.
--David Copperfield's, York Avenue
Girl: I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't gone back to school. I'd probably be dead or in jail or pregnant and living in Brooklyn or something.
--F train
Overheard by: Heather
Goth guy on cell: You can't divide by infinity! Infinity is a concept, not a number! How many times do I have to tell you that?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lesley Brooke
Fat lady: I was Rubenesque before I was fat.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Dawn
Are You Ready for the Sex, Wednesday One-liners?
Guy on cell: Of course I hate her! However, that's not gonna stop me from fucking her.
--Park Slope
Girl: Your mouth is warm. Lick my face.
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sara R.
Man on cell: I don't see what the big deal was. It was only a blowjob.
--Greene Street between Spring & Prince
Wednesday One-liners are for the Dogs
Guy: Golden retrievers are beautiful animals. If I were a golden retriever, I would be so vain!
--Shade, Sullivan Street
Guy on cell: Oh, you want a doggy treat? When I get home I'll give you a big fat bone.
--34th & 8th
Woman: Peter! Dog poop is not a toy!
--CPW & 65th Street
Overheard by: Johnathan
Attention DEA: Wednesday One-liners
Queer on cell: Michael Alig...yeah, I don't remember those years so well.
--1st & A
Hood on cell: Yo man, that bitch stole two ounces of coke from my house!...She's your friend, you go get it back!
--outside The Martini Red Lounge, Staten Island
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Guy on pay phone: ...and Santa's reindeer won't be coming home!
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Traczie Bellinger
Yet It Would Befit the Chairman's Agenda
Girl: If your cat has kittens, can I name one of them Chairman Meow?
Guy: If my cat has kittens, I'm going to put them in a plastic garbage bag and fling them into the river.
Girl: That's not very gentlemanly.
--9 train
Overheard by: djlindee
Ask Her for a Canejob
Guy #1: Man, she's hot.
Guy #2: But does she need that walker?
--Bensonhurst
More Like "You Need to Come Out"
Sorority girl #1: How are things going with him?
Sorority girl #2: Okay, I guess. I mean, his favorite band is the Smiths, so I'm like "you need to get out of 1999, dude."
--Blue Ribbon bakery, Downing Street
Overheard by: Adam Graham
An Overheard Public Service Announcement
Suit #1: ...and he's been playing on that game City of Heroes for two months straight now.
Suit #2: You reckon he's still alive?
Suit #1: Well, he's been typing nothing but "J" for a whole week on MSN.
--JFK
Overheard by: Pete Jones
You Should Only Fuck with People in the Evening
Health nazi: Y'know, smoking is bad for your health.
Security guard: So is fucking with people at 8:30 in the morning.
--28th & Park
Special Sale on Whipped Cream
Customer: Christ, there are beautiful women every time I come in here.
Cashier: Yeah! All day long! It hurts!
--St. Mark's Gourmet Market, St. Mark's Place
More Like a Valid Fucking Complaint
Woman #1: He was complaining about how pussy tastes.
Woman #2: Well, that's a fucking valid complaint, if I ever heard one.
--70th & 2nd
Overheard by: nita
Yeast Infections Are Much More Common There
Guy #1: See ya, Scotty!
Guy #2: Wasn't Scott supposed to be dying or something?
Guy #1: Well he still is, just a little slower now than before. He's the only guy I know who can get a bacterial infection at the dentist.
--Madison Square Park
That's Not What You Grab to Lead a Guy On
Woman #1: I really don't think you're leading him on.
Woman #2: That's what everyone says...but they don't know I'm grabbing his ass every day.
--Bloomingdale's, 59th Street
Overheard by: djlindee
Translation: He Gives Bad Head
Hipster girl: It's like, OK, we only see each other when we're drunk, and he doesn't seem that interested, and we never have a decent conversation, and he might be gay, but on top of everything he's also a Red Sox fan. He even made fun of Bernie Williams once.
Hipster queer: So that's really the clincher for you?
Hipster girl: Well, you know, there's a limit to how many areas where you can be incompatible.
--Metropolitan bar, Williamsburg
Going to the Talkies (A NYC Story)
Before a movie, a man gets up and jumps off a balcony. His friend remains seated.
Fellow movie patron: Did he just die?
Friend: Nah, nah it's cool. He's a French wall-jumper.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
It's Not Like He Can Crash It
Conductor, doors closing at East Broadway: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop Steinway Street.
Conductor, doors closing at Delancey: This is a Manhattan-bound F train, next stop 23rd Street.
Girl: Should I be worried?
--F train
Overheard by: Suzanne
No Dude, Go for the Harem!
Guy #1: I've been thinking about getting a fez, rocking a fez, you know?
Guy #2: Man, you'd get that shit knocked right off your head. Fucking Shriners...
Guy #3: Maybe you can get one of those little cars, too. And a monkey.
--Madison Square Park
And So Munchausen's-by-Proxy Was Born
Mom: I know you would love homeschooling but you would have to be really sick or have a broken leg or something.
Son: Then why won't you just break my leg?
--Lexington & 63rd
Overheard by: Christopher
Yes, I'm Sure There's a Duane Reade Around There
Woman #1: Excuse me, is this the right way to Canal Street?
Woman #2: Yeah, keep walking north, you can't miss it.
Woman #3: It's about 4, 5 blocks.
Woman #1: Oh, OK...is that where you can get the stuff?
--Church & Thomas
Overheard by: Becka
A Different Sense of Screaming Queer
Queer: So how was your date?
Hispanic chick: Oh, it was nice, he was nice and sweet, and a real gentleman, you know, he would hold open doors, make sure to walk between me and the street, you know, really nice.
Queer: Oh, you know what that totally screams?
Hispanic chick: What?
Queer: That totally screams: I want to get into your vagina right now!
--6 train
Overheard by: Luke Reynolds
It's Short for Wigfield
Duane Reade cashier: Hey! Hey, security! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Huh?
Dunae Reade cashier: Your name, fool! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy.
Duane Reade cashier: What?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy. W-I-G-G-Y. That's not my government name though.
--Duane Reade, Broadway & Canal
Overheard by: K. Thor Jensen