May 2005 Archives

Actually I Think Pleated Pants Look Hot on a Woman

Pizza guy: No pizza for you?
FIT chick #1: No, I don't eat. I'm anorexic.
FIT chick #2: Yeah, look what she's wearing. That's what happens when you don't eat. You go fucking crazy.

--27th & 7th pizzeria


Posted 2005-05-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Bonding with the Homeless (NYC Short Stories)

A hobo tells a woman: If you're ever in trouble, come to this place, yell out my name, and I'll protect you with my guns.

He holds up both his vodka bottles.

--World Trade Center E station


Overheard by
: Ting



A hobo takes his shoes off. The woman sitting next to him gets up with a disgusted look on her face and moves to another seat. The hobo massages his bare feet and shouts to her
: Yeah, well your sister is the opposite of um, uh, hot!


--E train


Overheard by
: Jeni Aron


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We Never Snorted Candy at Stuyvesant

Bronx Science boy: I have pixie sticks.
Bronx Science girl: I love pixie sticks. Have you ever tried to snort them?
Bronx Science boy: Yeah, once I snorted a lot because I wanted to get high and my nose started gushing blood.

--1/9 train


Overheard by
: chella


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That's Only If It's Inflamed

Guy: This song Ring of Fire is about Johnny Cash falling in love with June Carter.
Girl: Really? I thought it was about a rimjob.

--Pink Pony, Ludlow Street


Overheard by
: Michael Roche


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I Sense a Coming Wacky Packages Sticker

Girl: Your breath is stinky.
Guy: Please. My breath is so fresh they should name a mint after it.
Girl: How about excre-mint?

--56th & 1st


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The Fine Line Between Liar and Lunatic

Man: Oh, so she's genuinely deluded?
Woman: Yeah, she's not just in denial.

--Bleecker Street station


Overheard by
: Brooklyn Blade


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No, "Cute" as in "Do You Want Him to Do You"

Queer #1: So is your physical therapist cute?
Queer #2: "Cute" as in "do I want to do him cute"? Yeah.
Queer #1: Well, that can be a great incentive to do well.

--NYSC locker room, 16th & 8th


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Guess That Means No Kegel Exercises

Girl #1: I just got a membership at Carnegie Hall.
Girl #2: You should get a membership to the gym.
Girl #1: But this is like a workout...for my soul.

--Lexington & 53rd


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No Place is More Fun Than a Glit' & 'shit Bar

Unkempt facial hair guy: What kinds of clubs are you going to these days?
Bald guy with glasses: Oh, you know, ones where they wear body glitter and talk bullshit.

--3rd Avenue & 9th Street


Overheard by
: Nico Westerdale


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Grandma, What Big Pupils You Have!

Younger queer: Man, I never noticed how big Liza's eyes were before.
Older queer: That's so she can see the little pills better.

--Splash, 17th Street


Overheard by
: Eric Muscatell


Posted 2005-05-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Technically It's Her Second-Favorite Thing

Chick #1: I wonder why we never used lube. Lube...it's great.
Chick #2: Um, yeah, it's only like my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

--Canal & Lafayette


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Seems Like Mom's Eggs Weren't Quite Grade "A"

Girl: Can I have an egg omelette?
Chef: Um...yes, do you want anything in that?
Girl: Doesn't it come with stuff in it?
Chef: Yes, what do you want in your omelette?
Girl: Eggs.
Chef: That it?
Girl: Actually, what kind of omelettes besides egg do you have?

--Penn Station


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Except That The Jungle Is Natural

Gay Black guy #1: Oh my god, I sooo have jungle fever. Do I look good with him?
Gay Black guy #2: It's so weird.
Gay Black guy #1: What, we don't look good together?
Gay Black guy #2: No, yeah, it's just that, he's really white and you're like, extra black, so it's like really jungle fever.

--D train


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It Distracts From the Sweet, Sweet Bouquet of Feet

Macy's clerk: Dude, don't do that...Dude, I bent down and you fuckin' farted. Don't do that.
Customer: ...I didn't.
Macy's clerk: Bro, you fuckin' farted in my face when I bent down, I don't want to smell that in here!

--Macy's men's shoes department


Overheard by
: Chris Noland


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New York's Finest Dermatologist

Cop #1: What the fuck is that on your face?
Cop #2: It's a big pimple.
Cop #1: It's fucking gross, dude.

--33rd & 6th


Overheard by
: Eric L.


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The Irony is That Said Shirt was Brown

Stoner #1: So this fucking idiot was like, "Communism is the way, comrade." And I was like, "Okay then, give me your shirt." And he was like, "What, man?" And I was like, "If everything's fifty-fifty, let's just switch shirts for the day."
Stoner #2: What'd he say then?
Stoner #1: He was like, "You got me, comrade. I need to think this one over." And I was like, "Fuck yeah, you communist fuck." Yeah, I told that guy all right.

--Bus to Port Authority


Overheard by
: Cary Gitter


Posted 2005-05-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Where Our Editor is Moving To As We Speak

White guy #1: I just came back from a doctor visit, I'm loaded with prescriptions, Zanax, Viagra, I got everything, man.
White guy #2: Yeah, you got painkillers?
White guy #1: Hell yeah, I'm a Vet, any time I get sore, I take
one. I'm good, shit, I don't even have to pay for these things.
White guy #2
: Can I get some Vicodin?

White guy #1: Nah, see that I don't got, you got to go down to this bar in Bay Ridge. Where are you from?
White guy #2: Sunset Park.

--86th & 4th, Brooklyn


Overheard by
: Nosey Girl


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cf. "Husband"

Boy: We're watching Pimp My Ride.
Man: What does "pimp" mean?
Boy: It's someone who owns women.

--Washington Square Village


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Snappy Questions to Stupid Questions

Girl #1: You are way more charitable than I am.
Girl #2: Are you saying that only Catholics are charitable?
Girl #1: What?

--1 Train


Overheard by
: Karla



In a crowded bathroom, a drunk guy at the short urinal calls over to his friend about six urinals down.

Guy #1: Hey, man! Why is mine so small? Is yours this small?
Guy #2: What?

--Penn Station men's room


Girl #1
: Is it hot in here or are my eyes just burning?

Girl #2: What?

--M66 bus


Overheard by
: Gabriella


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The "Hello, My Name Is" Sticker Was the First Hint

Girlfriend snaps a photo of her tourist boyfriend, posing under a street sign.

Guy: Looking good, Perry.
Tourist: How did he know my...? Oh.

--Perry & Greenwich


Overheard by
: Bonno


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Real Life Public Service Announcements (NYC Style)

Girl #1: Where have you been lately?
Girl #2: I've been with Caesar.
Girl #3: Yo, you've been skipping school for a week. What the fuck up with that?
Girl #2: Caesar has been treating me nice. Yo, he got a nice dick and we've been fucking every day.
Girl #1: Yo, you better be using protection or you going to be having little Caesars running around.
Girl #2: Yo, we do it raw 'cause he says rubbers don't feel good on his dick.
Girl #3: Shit, bitch, you better watch yourself.
Old lady: Stop! Stop this talk! You should be ashamed of yourself. You must go to the clinic and get yourself checked out. Look at you! Your friends are ashamed of you! They can't even look at you! You must go to the clinic and get yourself checked out. You should be ashamed.

--M4 bus


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Thanks to this Site, Now You've Told All Women

Guy #1: I'm a good guy, I swear.
Guy #2: He really is. Only draw lines on weekends.

The girl leaves.

Guy #1: Dude, why did you have to say that? Sure, everyone does it, but it's secret guy code: never tell a woman!

--76th & 2nd


Posted 2005-05-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Checking Out the Goods (A NYC Short Story)

Queer #1: Holy cow.
Queer #2: Yeah.
Queer #1: It's huge. Did you see that?
Queer #2: I saw definition!
Queer #1: Damn.
Queer #2: It's bigger soft than mine is hard.

--Astoria


Overheard by
: L.C.P.


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The Irony is That She Could Call That "Living"

Woman: Wow, I've never been that close to a real arrest before!
Man: Neither have I.
Woman: This shit always happens in the city. Thank God I don't have to put up with it anymore, now that I live in Jersey City.
Man: Uh huh...
Woman: The irony is, I'm just on my way home from my shrink! Ha, ha!

--F train


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The One Thing He's Not Dealing is Speed

Woman #1: See that guy in the wheelchair? I think he's starting to get involved with dealing drugs or something.
Woman #2: Well, I wouldn't hang around him too much anyway if I were
you. Clearly he couldn't run away fast enough the first time...

--Fort Greene


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Two for Me, Dumb for You

Girl #1: What should I get? Milky Way or a Twix?
Girl #2: Get the Twix, there's a cookie in it so you'll burn more calories by chewing that.

--Kmart, Penn Station


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Fucking as in What the Fucking

Teen boy #1: Did you ever do that in Grand Theft Auto?
Teen boy #2: Yes. It's fucking nuts. Nuts as in testicles.

--207th & Broadway


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That's Just Begging the Question

Girl: Mommy, why does it smell like pee?
Mother: Because it's the Port Authority!

--Port Authority newsstand


Posted 2005-05-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Grunge Suicide Is Always an Option

Woman: Would you let Michael go to the west coast?
Man #1: What?
Man #2: No! You don't want him to be a freak.
Woman: I didn't mean Oregon.

--Chipolte, 44th Street


Overheard by
: Holly


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Warm Weather, Cold Hearts

Hobo: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! How are you all today? My name is Sonny Payne--
Teen girl: And you're just a Payne in the ass!

--F train


Overheard by
: Nicole A.



Hobo
: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen--

Woman: Ah God, I can't take it this early.

--9 train


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SWM ISO Vampires in Tracksuits

Guy #1: Can we go to Italy Town?
Guy #2: You mean Little Italy?
Guy #1: Yeah. I've got someone I need to piss off before sunset.

--NJ Transit train


Overheard by
: Aileen Gallagher


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He Celebrates Boxing Day

Two NYU girls are walking downtown and one trips and falls on the street.
Hobo
: Did you have a nice trip? I'll see you next fall!

NYU Girl: Hey...where's your home?

--Water & Fulton


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It's Ham, Roasted Honey

Butcher: Would you like anything else today?
Lady: Not that I can think of. As a matter of fact I haven't really been able to think of much all day. Must be all the vicodin....So how do I prepare this?
Butcher: It's lunchmeat. You just eat it.

--Greenpoint market


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Fortunately For Me, Medium is the New Large

Woman: How many slices are in a medium?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: How many slices are in a large?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: Can I speak to someone else?

--Pizzeria, 14th & 1st


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"Well, let's not go nuts. Yet."

Queer #1: I could fly from here to San Francisco.
Queer #2: Straight?

--19th & Broadway


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That's So 4 Years Ago

Guy: I have to be careful about my bag; yesterday I put it down and then stepped to the side and some woman started yelling at me, saying, "You know, it's 2005 now, I have no problem taking that bag and throwing it off the train." And I was like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and she said, "I'm not, I'm protecting myself and the rest of the passengers."
Woman: The terror alert has been elevated to Birkin.

--Times Square shuttle


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You Forgot the Part Where You Add All the Cream

Teen girl: Michael Jackson paid that white woman to have his kids, 'cause he wants his kids to be white.
Teen boy: Michael Jackson never gonna have white kids. It's like if you got a glass of Ovaltine, and you put water in it, and you just keep on adding water, what do you get? Very dilute Ovaltine.

--F train


Overheard by
: Jesse Soodalter


Posted 2005-05-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Wife Was Murdered...Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You'll figure it out when you move here...it's like, I opened my first electic bill and said, "Wow, I really live in New York now!"
Guy #2: Right, it's like when you're killing someone with an axe, and you're just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you're like, "Oh yeah, I'm murdering someone!"

--E train


Overheard by
: Kid W



Woman
: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die.


--Hudson Street elevator


Overheard by
: Greg Rutter



Guy on cell
: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn't that awesome?


--Madison Square Park


Overheard by
: toon


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If You Touch a Little Boy Right, He Becomes Grown

Guy #1: I dont understand why they gotta touch little boys.
Guy #2: Hmmm.
Guy #1: You touch little boys?!
Guy #2: No honey, I just touch grown men.

--Wall Street


Overheard by
: Dj Dharma


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Ironically, He Made It Into a Soapbox

Juilliard guy: Why does everyone at Juilliard have to be so deep? I mean, we're in class and the professor puts a box in the middle of the room and everyone starts in, "Oh, that represents my soul!" or "Oh, that is the heavens opening up to take me in!" No man, that's just a damn box! All that represents to me is a damn box. Everyone needs to get over themselves at this damn school...

--Juilliard elevator


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Houston, We Have Ourselves a Catchphrase

Teen girl #1: I never got that expression, "back of my hand".
Teen girl #2: It's not "back of my hand", it's "back of my head".
Teen girl #1: Really?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, because the back of your head is where you, like, know stuff.

--1 train


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Stubborn or Sterile, It's Not Jonny's Fault

Guy: Jonny sent me on an errand. I feel like a mule. I'm like a donkey to him!

--NY2LON show, Bowery Ballroom


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Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice

Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I'm homeless! I ain't got no money, I ain't got no food, I'm hungry! I ain't got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what's your problem?
Guy: I'm in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that's rough.

--Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn


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Hey, We Have TWO Toys 'R Us, You Dumb Biotech!

Boy: I just heard that kid ask his mom what FAO Schwarz is. Come on, it's FAO Schwarz!
Grandma: Well they may have been from out of town...like Brooklyn.

--58th & 5th


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On the One Hand, Now He's Earned That "Members Only" Label

Girl #1: Poor Anthony needs to get laid.
Girl #2: I'd lay him if he promised not to be emo about it.

--Times Square


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Jesus Christ, It's Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don't have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, "Kev, it's me, Jesus. I think you should have kids." Then I would consider it.

--46th & 6th


Businesslady
: So I says to her, "Girl, you've gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life."


--Downtown Brooklyn


Overheard by
: Joel Warden



Woman
: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that.


--Park Slope


Overheard by
: MissHell


Posted 2005-05-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother's so ugly, she's only been married once.

--Boerum Hill


Baby carriage woman on cell
: ...and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia...


--19th between 5th & 6th


Girl
: So I'm like, "How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?"


--NYU Brittany Hall elevator


Overheard by
: Andrei Alupului



Man
: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she'd cut off all the buttons and then she'd go to the return department...


--H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th


Overheard by
: Sophia



Girl
: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn't that surprised.


--Juilliard cafeteria


Drunk girl
: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, "Jeez, give somebody else a turn..."


--Union Pool, Williamsburg


Overheard by
: Joe



Chick
: So my mother sits me down and goes, "I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts." Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I'm like, well, we don't even live in Vermont...


--N train


Woman on cell
: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!


--13th & 4th


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Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don't get it, lady. There's a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!

--F train


Queer
: He totally has to understand that he's crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!


--27th street office


Crazy lady
: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you've been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I'm sure! I have proof. You see, that's not music. That's not rock and roll. That's just crazy.


--Bedford Avenue station


Overheard by
: Greg Rutter



Crazy man
: I already told you I don't have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.


--54th & 11th


Crazy woman
: I've got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.


--World Financial Center


Overheard by
: Dr. Ballon



Crazy bag lady
: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!


--Union Square


Overheard by
: Kaitlen



Suit
: ...and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?...is watching me.


--46th & 8th


Overheard by
: ballpeen hammer



Crazy lady
: I don't believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!


--Lexington & 23rd


Hobo
: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!


--19th between 7th & 8th


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