Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
May 2005 Archives
Actually I Think Pleated Pants Look Hot on a Woman
Pizza guy: No pizza for you?
FIT chick #1: No, I don't eat. I'm anorexic.
FIT chick #2: Yeah, look what she's wearing. That's what happens when you don't eat. You go fucking crazy.
--27th & 7th pizzeria
Bonding with the Homeless (NYC Short Stories)
A hobo tells a woman: If you're ever in trouble, come to this place, yell out my name, and I'll protect you with my guns.
He holds up both his vodka bottles.
--World Trade Center E station
Overheard by: Ting
A hobo takes his shoes off. The woman sitting next to him gets up with a disgusted look on her face and moves to another seat. The hobo massages his bare feet and shouts to her: Yeah, well your sister is the opposite of um, uh, hot!
--E train
Overheard by: Jeni Aron
We Never Snorted Candy at Stuyvesant
Bronx Science boy: I have pixie sticks.
Bronx Science girl: I love pixie sticks. Have you ever tried to snort them?
Bronx Science boy: Yeah, once I snorted a lot because I wanted to get high and my nose started gushing blood.
--1/9 train
Overheard by: chella
That's Only If It's Inflamed
Guy: This song Ring of Fire is about Johnny Cash falling in love with June Carter.
Girl: Really? I thought it was about a rimjob.
--Pink Pony, Ludlow Street
Overheard by: Michael Roche
I Sense a Coming Wacky Packages Sticker
Girl: Your breath is stinky.
Guy: Please. My breath is so fresh they should name a mint after it.
Girl: How about excre-mint?
--56th & 1st
The Fine Line Between Liar and Lunatic
Man: Oh, so she's genuinely deluded?
Woman: Yeah, she's not just in denial.
--Bleecker Street station
Overheard by: Brooklyn Blade
No, "Cute" as in "Do You Want Him to Do You"
Queer #1: So is your physical therapist cute?
Queer #2: "Cute" as in "do I want to do him cute"? Yeah.
Queer #1: Well, that can be a great incentive to do well.
--NYSC locker room, 16th & 8th
Guess That Means No Kegel Exercises
Girl #1: I just got a membership at Carnegie Hall.
Girl #2: You should get a membership to the gym.
Girl #1: But this is like a workout...for my soul.
--Lexington & 53rd
No Place is More Fun Than a Glit' & 'shit Bar
Unkempt facial hair guy: What kinds of clubs are you going to these days?
Bald guy with glasses: Oh, you know, ones where they wear body glitter and talk bullshit.
--3rd Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Grandma, What Big Pupils You Have!
Younger queer: Man, I never noticed how big Liza's eyes were before.
Older queer: That's so she can see the little pills better.
--Splash, 17th Street
Overheard by: Eric Muscatell
Technically It's Her Second-Favorite Thing
Chick #1: I wonder why we never used lube. Lube...it's great.
Chick #2: Um, yeah, it's only like my favorite thing in the whole wide world.
--Canal & Lafayette
Seems Like Mom's Eggs Weren't Quite Grade "A"
Girl: Can I have an egg omelette?
Chef: Um...yes, do you want anything in that?
Girl: Doesn't it come with stuff in it?
Chef: Yes, what do you want in your omelette?
Girl: Eggs.
Chef: That it?
Girl: Actually, what kind of omelettes besides egg do you have?
--Penn Station
Except That The Jungle Is Natural
Gay Black guy #1: Oh my god, I sooo have jungle fever. Do I look good with him?
Gay Black guy #2: It's so weird.
Gay Black guy #1: What, we don't look good together?
Gay Black guy #2: No, yeah, it's just that, he's really white and you're like, extra black, so it's like really jungle fever.
--D train
It Distracts From the Sweet, Sweet Bouquet of Feet
Macy's clerk: Dude, don't do that...Dude, I bent down and you fuckin' farted. Don't do that.
Customer: ...I didn't.
Macy's clerk: Bro, you fuckin' farted in my face when I bent down, I don't want to smell that in here!
--Macy's men's shoes department
Overheard by: Chris Noland
New York's Finest Dermatologist
Cop #1: What the fuck is that on your face?
Cop #2: It's a big pimple.
Cop #1: It's fucking gross, dude.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Eric L.
The Irony is That Said Shirt was Brown
Stoner #1: So this fucking idiot was like, "Communism is the way, comrade." And I was like, "Okay then, give me your shirt." And he was like, "What, man?" And I was like, "If everything's fifty-fifty, let's just switch shirts for the day."
Stoner #2: What'd he say then?
Stoner #1: He was like, "You got me, comrade. I need to think this one over." And I was like, "Fuck yeah, you communist fuck." Yeah, I told that guy all right.
--Bus to Port Authority
Overheard by: Cary Gitter
...Where Our Editor is Moving To As We Speak
White guy #1: I just came back from a doctor visit, I'm loaded with prescriptions, Zanax, Viagra, I got everything, man.
White guy #2: Yeah, you got painkillers?
White guy #1: Hell yeah, I'm a Vet, any time I get sore, I take
one. I'm good, shit, I don't even have to pay for these things.
White guy #2: Can I get some Vicodin?
White guy #1: Nah, see that I don't got, you got to go down to this bar in Bay Ridge. Where are you from?
White guy #2: Sunset Park.
--86th & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nosey Girl
cf. "Husband"
Boy: We're watching Pimp My Ride.
Man: What does "pimp" mean?
Boy: It's someone who owns women.
--Washington Square Village
Snappy Questions to Stupid Questions
Girl #1: You are way more charitable than I am.
Girl #2: Are you saying that only Catholics are charitable?
Girl #1: What?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Karla
In a crowded bathroom, a drunk guy at the short urinal calls over to his friend about six urinals down.
Guy #1: Hey, man! Why is mine so small? Is yours this small?
Guy #2: What?
--Penn Station men's room
Girl #1: Is it hot in here or are my eyes just burning?
Girl #2: What?
--M66 bus
Overheard by: Gabriella
The "Hello, My Name Is" Sticker Was the First Hint
Girlfriend snaps a photo of her tourist boyfriend, posing under a street sign.
Guy: Looking good, Perry.
Tourist: How did he know my...? Oh.
--Perry & Greenwich
Overheard by: Bonno
Real Life Public Service Announcements (NYC Style)
Girl #1: Where have you been lately?
Girl #2: I've been with Caesar.
Girl #3: Yo, you've been skipping school for a week. What the fuck up with that?
Girl #2: Caesar has been treating me nice. Yo, he got a nice dick and we've been fucking every day.
Girl #1: Yo, you better be using protection or you going to be having little Caesars running around.
Girl #2: Yo, we do it raw 'cause he says rubbers don't feel good on his dick.
Girl #3: Shit, bitch, you better watch yourself.
Old lady: Stop! Stop this talk! You should be ashamed of yourself. You must go to the clinic and get yourself checked out. Look at you! Your friends are ashamed of you! They can't even look at you! You must go to the clinic and get yourself checked out. You should be ashamed.
--M4 bus
Thanks to this Site, Now You've Told All Women
Guy #1: I'm a good guy, I swear.
Guy #2: He really is. Only draw lines on weekends.
The girl leaves.
Guy #1: Dude, why did you have to say that? Sure, everyone does it, but it's secret guy code: never tell a woman!
--76th & 2nd
Checking Out the Goods (A NYC Short Story)
Queer #1: Holy cow.
Queer #2: Yeah.
Queer #1: It's huge. Did you see that?
Queer #2: I saw definition!
Queer #1: Damn.
Queer #2: It's bigger soft than mine is hard.
--Astoria
Overheard by: L.C.P.
The Irony is That She Could Call That "Living"
Woman: Wow, I've never been that close to a real arrest before!
Man: Neither have I.
Woman: This shit always happens in the city. Thank God I don't have to put up with it anymore, now that I live in Jersey City.
Man: Uh huh...
Woman: The irony is, I'm just on my way home from my shrink! Ha, ha!
--F train
The One Thing He's Not Dealing is Speed
Woman #1: See that guy in the wheelchair? I think he's starting to get involved with dealing drugs or something.
Woman #2: Well, I wouldn't hang around him too much anyway if I were
you. Clearly he couldn't run away fast enough the first time...
--Fort Greene
Two for Me, Dumb for You
Girl #1: What should I get? Milky Way or a Twix?
Girl #2: Get the Twix, there's a cookie in it so you'll burn more calories by chewing that.
--Kmart, Penn Station
Fucking as in What the Fucking
Teen boy #1: Did you ever do that in Grand Theft Auto?
Teen boy #2: Yes. It's fucking nuts. Nuts as in testicles.
--207th & Broadway
That's Just Begging the Question
Girl: Mommy, why does it smell like pee?
Mother: Because it's the Port Authority!
--Port Authority newsstand
Grunge Suicide Is Always an Option
Woman: Would you let Michael go to the west coast?
Man #1: What?
Man #2: No! You don't want him to be a freak.
Woman: I didn't mean Oregon.
--Chipolte, 44th Street
Overheard by: Holly
Warm Weather, Cold Hearts
Hobo: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! How are you all today? My name is Sonny Payne--
Teen girl: And you're just a Payne in the ass!
--F train
Overheard by: Nicole A.
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen--
Woman: Ah God, I can't take it this early.
--9 train
SWM ISO Vampires in Tracksuits
Guy #1: Can we go to Italy Town?
Guy #2: You mean Little Italy?
Guy #1: Yeah. I've got someone I need to piss off before sunset.
--NJ Transit train
Overheard by: Aileen Gallagher
He Celebrates Boxing Day
Two NYU girls are walking downtown and one trips and falls on the street.
Hobo: Did you have a nice trip? I'll see you next fall!
NYU Girl: Hey...where's your home?
--Water & Fulton
It's Ham, Roasted Honey
Butcher: Would you like anything else today?
Lady: Not that I can think of. As a matter of fact I haven't really been able to think of much all day. Must be all the vicodin....So how do I prepare this?
Butcher: It's lunchmeat. You just eat it.
--Greenpoint market
Fortunately For Me, Medium is the New Large
Woman: How many slices are in a medium?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: How many slices are in a large?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: Can I speak to someone else?
--Pizzeria, 14th & 1st
"Well, let's not go nuts. Yet."
Queer #1: I could fly from here to San Francisco.
Queer #2: Straight?
--19th & Broadway
That's So 4 Years Ago
Guy: I have to be careful about my bag; yesterday I put it down and then stepped to the side and some woman started yelling at me, saying, "You know, it's 2005 now, I have no problem taking that bag and throwing it off the train." And I was like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and she said, "I'm not, I'm protecting myself and the rest of the passengers."
Woman: The terror alert has been elevated to Birkin.
--Times Square shuttle
You Forgot the Part Where You Add All the Cream
Teen girl: Michael Jackson paid that white woman to have his kids, 'cause he wants his kids to be white.
Teen boy: Michael Jackson never gonna have white kids. It's like if you got a glass of Ovaltine, and you put water in it, and you just keep on adding water, what do you get? Very dilute Ovaltine.
--F train
Overheard by: Jesse Soodalter
My Wife Was Murdered...Tomorrow at 10PM
Guy #1: You'll figure it out when you move here...it's like, I opened my first electic bill and said, "Wow, I really live in New York now!"
Guy #2: Right, it's like when you're killing someone with an axe, and you're just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you're like, "Oh yeah, I'm murdering someone!"
--E train
Overheard by: Kid W
Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die.
--Hudson Street elevator
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn't that awesome?
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: toon
If You Touch a Little Boy Right, He Becomes Grown
Guy #1: I dont understand why they gotta touch little boys.
Guy #2: Hmmm.
Guy #1: You touch little boys?!
Guy #2: No honey, I just touch grown men.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Dj Dharma
Ironically, He Made It Into a Soapbox
Juilliard guy: Why does everyone at Juilliard have to be so deep? I mean, we're in class and the professor puts a box in the middle of the room and everyone starts in, "Oh, that represents my soul!" or "Oh, that is the heavens opening up to take me in!" No man, that's just a damn box! All that represents to me is a damn box. Everyone needs to get over themselves at this damn school...
--Juilliard elevator
Houston, We Have Ourselves a Catchphrase
Teen girl #1: I never got that expression, "back of my hand".
Teen girl #2: It's not "back of my hand", it's "back of my head".
Teen girl #1: Really?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, because the back of your head is where you, like, know stuff.
--1 train
Stubborn or Sterile, It's Not Jonny's Fault
Guy: Jonny sent me on an errand. I feel like a mule. I'm like a donkey to him!
--NY2LON show, Bowery Ballroom
Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice
Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I'm homeless! I ain't got no money, I ain't got no food, I'm hungry! I ain't got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what's your problem?
Guy: I'm in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that's rough.
--Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn
Hey, We Have TWO Toys 'R Us, You Dumb Biotech!
Boy: I just heard that kid ask his mom what FAO Schwarz is. Come on, it's FAO Schwarz!
Grandma: Well they may have been from out of town...like Brooklyn.
--58th & 5th
On the One Hand, Now He's Earned That "Members Only" Label
Girl #1: Poor Anthony needs to get laid.
Girl #2: I'd lay him if he promised not to be emo about it.
--Times Square
Jesus Christ, It's Wednesday One-liners
Street vendor: I don't have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, "Kev, it's me, Jesus. I think you should have kids." Then I would consider it.
--46th & 6th
Businesslady: So I says to her, "Girl, you've gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life."
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Joel Warden
Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: MissHell
Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom
JHS kid: Man, your mother's so ugly, she's only been married once.
--Boerum Hill
Baby carriage woman on cell: ...and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia...
--19th between 5th & 6th
Girl: So I'm like, "How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?"
--NYU Brittany Hall elevator
Overheard by: Andrei Alupului
Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she'd cut off all the buttons and then she'd go to the return department...
--H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th
Overheard by: Sophia
Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn't that surprised.
--Juilliard cafeteria
Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, "Jeez, give somebody else a turn..."
--Union Pool, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Joe
Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, "I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts." Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I'm like, well, we don't even live in Vermont...
--N train
Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!
--13th & 4th
Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don't get it, lady. There's a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
--F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he's crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
--27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you've been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I'm sure! I have proof. You see, that's not music. That's not rock and roll. That's just crazy.
--Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don't have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
--54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I've got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
--World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: ...and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?...is watching me.
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don't believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
--Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
--19th between 7th & 8th