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May 2005 Archives
Actually I Think Pleated Pants Look Hot on a Woman
Pizza guy: No pizza for you?
FIT chick #1: No, I don't eat. I'm anorexic.
FIT chick #2: Yeah, look what she's wearing. That's what happens when you don't eat. You go fucking crazy.
--27th & 7th pizzeria
Bonding with the Homeless (NYC Short Stories)
A hobo tells a woman: If you're ever in trouble, come to this place, yell out my name, and I'll protect you with my guns.
He holds up both his vodka bottles.
--World Trade Center E station
Overheard by: Ting
A hobo takes his shoes off. The woman sitting next to him gets up with a disgusted look on her face and moves to another seat. The hobo massages his bare feet and shouts to her: Yeah, well your sister is the opposite of um, uh, hot!
--E train
Overheard by: Jeni Aron
We Never Snorted Candy at Stuyvesant
Bronx Science boy: I have pixie sticks.
Bronx Science girl: I love pixie sticks. Have you ever tried to snort them?
Bronx Science boy: Yeah, once I snorted a lot because I wanted to get high and my nose started gushing blood.
--1/9 train
Overheard by: chella
That's Only If It's Inflamed
Guy: This song Ring of Fire is about Johnny Cash falling in love with June Carter.
Girl: Really? I thought it was about a rimjob.
--Pink Pony, Ludlow Street
Overheard by: Michael Roche
I Sense a Coming Wacky Packages Sticker
Girl: Your breath is stinky.
Guy: Please. My breath is so fresh they should name a mint after it.
Girl: How about excre-mint?
--56th & 1st
The Fine Line Between Liar and Lunatic
Man: Oh, so she's genuinely deluded?
Woman: Yeah, she's not just in denial.
--Bleecker Street station
Overheard by: Brooklyn Blade
No, "Cute" as in "Do You Want Him to Do You"
Queer #1: So is your physical therapist cute?
Queer #2: "Cute" as in "do I want to do him cute"? Yeah.
Queer #1: Well, that can be a great incentive to do well.
--NYSC locker room, 16th & 8th
Guess That Means No Kegel Exercises
Girl #1: I just got a membership at Carnegie Hall.
Girl #2: You should get a membership to the gym.
Girl #1: But this is like a workout...for my soul.
--Lexington & 53rd
No Place is More Fun Than a Glit' & 'shit Bar
Unkempt facial hair guy: What kinds of clubs are you going to these days?
Bald guy with glasses: Oh, you know, ones where they wear body glitter and talk bullshit.
--3rd Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Grandma, What Big Pupils You Have!
Younger queer: Man, I never noticed how big Liza's eyes were before.
Older queer: That's so she can see the little pills better.
--Splash, 17th Street
Overheard by: Eric Muscatell
Technically It's Her Second-Favorite Thing
Chick #1: I wonder why we never used lube. Lube...it's great.
Chick #2: Um, yeah, it's only like my favorite thing in the whole wide world.
--Canal & Lafayette
Seems Like Mom's Eggs Weren't Quite Grade "A"
Girl: Can I have an egg omelette?
Chef: Um...yes, do you want anything in that?
Girl: Doesn't it come with stuff in it?
Chef: Yes, what do you want in your omelette?
Girl: Eggs.
Chef: That it?
Girl: Actually, what kind of omelettes besides egg do you have?
--Penn Station
Except That The Jungle Is Natural
Gay Black guy #1: Oh my god, I sooo have jungle fever. Do I look good with him?
Gay Black guy #2: It's so weird.
Gay Black guy #1: What, we don't look good together?
Gay Black guy #2: No, yeah, it's just that, he's really white and you're like, extra black, so it's like really jungle fever.
--D train
It Distracts From the Sweet, Sweet Bouquet of Feet
Macy's clerk: Dude, don't do that...Dude, I bent down and you fuckin' farted. Don't do that.
Customer: ...I didn't.
Macy's clerk: Bro, you fuckin' farted in my face when I bent down, I don't want to smell that in here!
--Macy's men's shoes department
Overheard by: Chris Noland
New York's Finest Dermatologist
Cop #1: What the fuck is that on your face?
Cop #2: It's a big pimple.
Cop #1: It's fucking gross, dude.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Eric L.
The Irony is That Said Shirt was Brown
Stoner #1: So this fucking idiot was like, "Communism is the way, comrade." And I was like, "Okay then, give me your shirt." And he was like, "What, man?" And I was like, "If everything's fifty-fifty, let's just switch shirts for the day."
Stoner #2: What'd he say then?
Stoner #1: He was like, "You got me, comrade. I need to think this one over." And I was like, "Fuck yeah, you communist fuck." Yeah, I told that guy all right.
--Bus to Port Authority
Overheard by: Cary Gitter
...Where Our Editor is Moving To As We Speak
White guy #1: I just came back from a doctor visit, I'm loaded with prescriptions, Zanax, Viagra, I got everything, man.
White guy #2: Yeah, you got painkillers?
White guy #1: Hell yeah, I'm a Vet, any time I get sore, I take
one. I'm good, shit, I don't even have to pay for these things.
White guy #2: Can I get some Vicodin?
White guy #1: Nah, see that I don't got, you got to go down to this bar in Bay Ridge. Where are you from?
White guy #2: Sunset Park.
--86th & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nosey Girl
cf. "Husband"
Boy: We're watching Pimp My Ride.
Man: What does "pimp" mean?
Boy: It's someone who owns women.
--Washington Square Village
Snappy Questions to Stupid Questions
Girl #1: You are way more charitable than I am.
Girl #2: Are you saying that only Catholics are charitable?
Girl #1: What?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Karla
In a crowded bathroom, a drunk guy at the short urinal calls over to his friend about six urinals down.
Guy #1: Hey, man! Why is mine so small? Is yours this small?
Guy #2: What?
--Penn Station men's room
Girl #1: Is it hot in here or are my eyes just burning?
Girl #2: What?
--M66 bus
Overheard by: Gabriella
The "Hello, My Name Is" Sticker Was the First Hint
Girlfriend snaps a photo of her tourist boyfriend, posing under a street sign.
Guy: Looking good, Perry.
Tourist: How did he know my...? Oh.
--Perry & Greenwich
Overheard by: Bonno
Real Life Public Service Announcements (NYC Style)
Girl #1: Where have you been lately?
Girl #2: I've been with Caesar.
Girl #3: Yo, you've been skipping school for a week. What the fuck up with that?
Girl #2: Caesar has been treating me nice. Yo, he got a nice dick and we've been fucking every day.
Girl #1: Yo, you better be using protection or you going to be having little Caesars running around.
Girl #2: Yo, we do it raw 'cause he says rubbers don't feel good on his dick.
Girl #3: Shit, bitch, you better watch yourself.
Old lady: Stop! Stop this talk! You should be ashamed of yourself. You must go to the clinic and get yourself checked out. Look at you! Your friends are ashamed of you! They can't even look at you! You must go to the clinic and get yourself checked out. You should be ashamed.
--M4 bus
Thanks to this Site, Now You've Told All Women
Guy #1: I'm a good guy, I swear.
Guy #2: He really is. Only draw lines on weekends.
The girl leaves.
Guy #1: Dude, why did you have to say that? Sure, everyone does it, but it's secret guy code: never tell a woman!
--76th & 2nd
Checking Out the Goods (A NYC Short Story)
Queer #1: Holy cow.
Queer #2: Yeah.
Queer #1: It's huge. Did you see that?
Queer #2: I saw definition!
Queer #1: Damn.
Queer #2: It's bigger soft than mine is hard.
--Astoria
Overheard by: L.C.P.
The Irony is That She Could Call That "Living"
Woman: Wow, I've never been that close to a real arrest before!
Man: Neither have I.
Woman: This shit always happens in the city. Thank God I don't have to put up with it anymore, now that I live in Jersey City.
Man: Uh huh...
Woman: The irony is, I'm just on my way home from my shrink! Ha, ha!
--F train
The One Thing He's Not Dealing is Speed
Woman #1: See that guy in the wheelchair? I think he's starting to get involved with dealing drugs or something.
Woman #2: Well, I wouldn't hang around him too much anyway if I were
you. Clearly he couldn't run away fast enough the first time...
--Fort Greene
Two for Me, Dumb for You
Girl #1: What should I get? Milky Way or a Twix?
Girl #2: Get the Twix, there's a cookie in it so you'll burn more calories by chewing that.
--Kmart, Penn Station
Fucking as in What the Fucking
Teen boy #1: Did you ever do that in Grand Theft Auto?
Teen boy #2: Yes. It's fucking nuts. Nuts as in testicles.
--207th & Broadway
That's Just Begging the Question
Girl: Mommy, why does it smell like pee?
Mother: Because it's the Port Authority!
--Port Authority newsstand
Grunge Suicide Is Always an Option
Woman: Would you let Michael go to the west coast?
Man #1: What?
Man #2: No! You don't want him to be a freak.
Woman: I didn't mean Oregon.
--Chipolte, 44th Street
Overheard by: Holly
Warm Weather, Cold Hearts
Hobo: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! How are you all today? My name is Sonny Payne--
Teen girl: And you're just a Payne in the ass!
--F train
Overheard by: Nicole A.
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen--
Woman: Ah God, I can't take it this early.
--9 train
SWM ISO Vampires in Tracksuits
Guy #1: Can we go to Italy Town?
Guy #2: You mean Little Italy?
Guy #1: Yeah. I've got someone I need to piss off before sunset.
--NJ Transit train
Overheard by: Aileen Gallagher
He Celebrates Boxing Day
Two NYU girls are walking downtown and one trips and falls on the street.
Hobo: Did you have a nice trip? I'll see you next fall!
NYU Girl: Hey...where's your home?
--Water & Fulton
It's Ham, Roasted Honey
Butcher: Would you like anything else today?
Lady: Not that I can think of. As a matter of fact I haven't really been able to think of much all day. Must be all the vicodin....So how do I prepare this?
Butcher: It's lunchmeat. You just eat it.
--Greenpoint market
Fortunately For Me, Medium is the New Large
Woman: How many slices are in a medium?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: How many slices are in a large?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: Can I speak to someone else?
--Pizzeria, 14th & 1st
"Well, let's not go nuts. Yet."
Queer #1: I could fly from here to San Francisco.
Queer #2: Straight?
--19th & Broadway
That's So 4 Years Ago
Guy: I have to be careful about my bag; yesterday I put it down and then stepped to the side and some woman started yelling at me, saying, "You know, it's 2005 now, I have no problem taking that bag and throwing it off the train." And I was like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and she said, "I'm not, I'm protecting myself and the rest of the passengers."
Woman: The terror alert has been elevated to Birkin.
--Times Square shuttle
You Forgot the Part Where You Add All the Cream
Teen girl: Michael Jackson paid that white woman to have his kids, 'cause he wants his kids to be white.
Teen boy: Michael Jackson never gonna have white kids. It's like if you got a glass of Ovaltine, and you put water in it, and you just keep on adding water, what do you get? Very dilute Ovaltine.
--F train
Overheard by: Jesse Soodalter
My Wife Was Murdered...Tomorrow at 10PM
Guy #1: You'll figure it out when you move here...it's like, I opened my first electic bill and said, "Wow, I really live in New York now!"
Guy #2: Right, it's like when you're killing someone with an axe, and you're just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you're like, "Oh yeah, I'm murdering someone!"
--E train
Overheard by: Kid W
Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die.
--Hudson Street elevator
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn't that awesome?
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: toon
If You Touch a Little Boy Right, He Becomes Grown
Guy #1: I dont understand why they gotta touch little boys.
Guy #2: Hmmm.
Guy #1: You touch little boys?!
Guy #2: No honey, I just touch grown men.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Dj Dharma
Ironically, He Made It Into a Soapbox
Juilliard guy: Why does everyone at Juilliard have to be so deep? I mean, we're in class and the professor puts a box in the middle of the room and everyone starts in, "Oh, that represents my soul!" or "Oh, that is the heavens opening up to take me in!" No man, that's just a damn box! All that represents to me is a damn box. Everyone needs to get over themselves at this damn school...
--Juilliard elevator
Houston, We Have Ourselves a Catchphrase
Teen girl #1: I never got that expression, "back of my hand".
Teen girl #2: It's not "back of my hand", it's "back of my head".
Teen girl #1: Really?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, because the back of your head is where you, like, know stuff.
--1 train
Stubborn or Sterile, It's Not Jonny's Fault
Guy: Jonny sent me on an errand. I feel like a mule. I'm like a donkey to him!
--NY2LON show, Bowery Ballroom
Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice
Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I'm homeless! I ain't got no money, I ain't got no food, I'm hungry! I ain't got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what's your problem?
Guy: I'm in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that's rough.
--Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn
Hey, We Have TWO Toys 'R Us, You Dumb Biotech!
Boy: I just heard that kid ask his mom what FAO Schwarz is. Come on, it's FAO Schwarz!
Grandma: Well they may have been from out of town...like Brooklyn.
--58th & 5th
On the One Hand, Now He's Earned That "Members Only" Label
Girl #1: Poor Anthony needs to get laid.
Girl #2: I'd lay him if he promised not to be emo about it.
--Times Square
Jesus Christ, It's Wednesday One-liners
Street vendor: I don't have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, "Kev, it's me, Jesus. I think you should have kids." Then I would consider it.
--46th & 6th
Businesslady: So I says to her, "Girl, you've gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life."
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Joel Warden
Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: MissHell
Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom
JHS kid: Man, your mother's so ugly, she's only been married once.
--Boerum Hill
Baby carriage woman on cell: ...and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia...
--19th between 5th & 6th
Girl: So I'm like, "How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?"
--NYU Brittany Hall elevator
Overheard by: Andrei Alupului
Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she'd cut off all the buttons and then she'd go to the return department...
--H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th
Overheard by: Sophia
Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn't that surprised.
--Juilliard cafeteria
Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, "Jeez, give somebody else a turn..."
--Union Pool, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Joe
Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, "I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts." Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I'm like, well, we don't even live in Vermont...
--N train
Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!
--13th & 4th
Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don't get it, lady. There's a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
--F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he's crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
--27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you've been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I'm sure! I have proof. You see, that's not music. That's not rock and roll. That's just crazy.
--Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don't have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
--54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I've got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
--World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: ...and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?...is watching me.
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don't believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
--Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
--19th between 7th & 8th
Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People
Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.
--The Gate, Park Slope
A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?
--Broadway & 80th
Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, "Arr, you're a pirate?" and her mom was like, "Actually, she had her eye put out."
--27th street office
JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for "tall, dark and handsome" and all I ever end up with is "short, hairy, Jewish". I guess I should just accept my fate.
--Starbucks, 48th & 3rd
Black guy: I ain't Jewish, so I don't be doin' no Yom Kippur.
--D train
Overheard by: Nash Astor
My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife.
--B train
Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff
Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.
--F train
Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!...What? You got married? But honey, you're gay!
--63rd & 3rd
Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e-mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve--we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e-mail from his wife and she was like, "Yo bitch, stay away from my husband." So I wrote back, "Don't e-mail me, e-mail your husband who's been cheating on you for two fucking years."
--33rd & Park
Teen girl: Yeah, he's really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.
--Park Slope
Guy: Hey, how's my wife and your kids?
--55th & Madison
Overheard by: Matt
Man on cell: I ain't trying to see you nothin'. I want to marry you. I'm tellin you the truth. T-R-U-F-F. The Truth!
--Atlantic Avenue gas station
Overheard by: Megan
Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don't listen to your wife. Your wife doesn't work here.
--Newark airport
Overheard by: jk
Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question
Mother: He played basketball in college but since he's a white boy he's got no rhythm so he wasn't very good.
--Chambers Street station
Guy: Yo, shit ain't no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!
--G train
Overheard by: J-Mo
Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by....what, you gonna let them in too?! That's when I just gotta say, "Hey, that's why I hate white people!"
--Marquee, 10th & 26th
Overheard by: Katie
Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.
--190th Street station, rush hour
Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin', spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.
--L train
Wednesday One-liners Need Anger Management
A car, stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck starts blowing its horn loudly and insistently. A nicely dressed lady shouts: Shut the fuck up, you moron! Haven't you ever seen a garbage truck before? Fucking moron tourists.
--W. 4th & Perry
Bouncer: Next white boy lays hands on me, I'm gonna fuck him up.
--West 3rd & MacDougal
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Girl on cell: Yeah, well tell her I hope she gets a bladder infection!
--Hot Bagels, Staten Island
Overheard by: Renee
Chef: As much as I like her, if she raises her voice at me one more time, I'm gonna fucking smack her.
--Park Slope
Old guy: Move, you drug addicted heathens! You're all a bunch of sinners. Polluters!
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Jeff Rigby
Man on cell: Dude, why did we draw straws this morning?...Do you have any idea how much cat food costs?! That was my rent money!...Well, kick out the new guy!
--Union Square Park
A guy waiting to turn left across traffic leans out the window to scream at the clueless Ohio driver who is not moving in front of him: Hey Cleveland! That's the only shade of green we got!
--57th & Park
Overheard by: Joan Quinn
Chick on cell: Damn old ladies. Like, maybe Gandhi was wrong and the answer really is punching people in the face?
--D'Agostino's, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
The Wednesday One-liners NYC Tour Guide
Black woman: This here is Chelsea. It's where all the rich homosexuals live.
--18th Street between 7th & 8th
Teenage kid: There are some hot Chinese bitches at this stop, son!
--Fulton Street G station
Overheard by: Thomas Bugarin
Woman: Well, I'm in Soho now...
--Union Square
Overheard by: Davis McDavis
Queer: Oh, I went to Queens once. By accident. I was coming back from La Guardia and the taxi driver said he was taking me on a shortcut.
--Starlight, Avenue A
Overheard by: Lukas
Thug: Next stop: Ghettoville, USA! That's real America, none of this Japanese-American bullshit. Mmmm...smell that? Smells like the East Village!
--A train
Guy: This is the new Wall Street Times building.
--41st & 8th construction site
Man: See, that's the one. If I was gonna write it a letter, I would begin, "Dear Ugliest Building in New York City".
--Westin Hotel, Times Square
Overheard by: Kayla Cagan
Guy on cell: Bond Street? It's north of Houston Street so it's not in Soho. But I don't know what the neighborhood is called.
--City Hall Park
Wednesday One-liners
Russian lady: She loves to travel. Like some people alcoholics? She
loves to travel.
--Funayama, Greenwich Avenue
Guy on cell: Hey Maria? It's John...from Biology...Oh, you can't talk? OK. I love you. Bye.
--Washington Square Park
Euro chick: No silly, American football is like a girly version of rugby, they have rules and pads.
--66th & Lexington
Man: Look at all these little bananas! I don't want none a these. These little bananas are for ladies.
--28th & Park fruit stand
Woman: You think that the players look at their butts in the mirror to see what we see?
--Yankee Stadium bleachers
Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper
Never Shit in a Woman's Eclair. Never.
Au Pair: I think that I should give you the time-out because that was not right what you did.
Little girl: No!
Au Pair: I am not hearing you because you are timed-out now.
--54th between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Paul Drew
There's More to Making Love Than Fucking
Guy: I adore this cup so much I'm gonna make love to it.
Chick: You really are a sick bastard.
--68th & West End
Trust Us, Einstein: The Girl's On To You, See?
Man: I want to change my access code. My girl's got my access code and I don't want her to have it no more. I don't want her seeing my messages, see?
Customer service lady: OK. But that's a Sprint phone.
Man: So?
Woman: This is the Verizon store.
Man: Oh. Really?
--Verizon, 86th between Lexington & 3rd
Overheard by: Carolyn
Come to New York! It's Safe, Really!
Black woman: You don't go in there, girl, that's the men's bathroom! If you go in there, they're going to rape you! And don't think that they wouldn't, because they will! They're going to put you down on the floor and rape you and your daughter! You listen to me, girl!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: James Levinsohn
Husband: Yeah, keep walking! You know you can't come back this way. They kill you here! They don't just kill you, they kill everyone here!
--Central Park
Pokemon Isn't a Good Guide to Biology
Guy #1: Yo dude, I got a mouse in my apartment.
Guy #2: You better kill it before it grows into a rat.
--A train
Overheard by: Eric Muscatell
Al-Qaida Has Gotten a Lot Less Crafty
Conductor: Borough Hall. Next stop, Heaven...excuse me, Nevins.
Woman: Um, should I get off here?
--5 train
Overheard by: James
That's More Like a Rodin
Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.
--Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum
He's Still at HIV
Girl, 9: Is that your ADD talking?
Boy, 9: What? I don't have that disease!
Girl, 9: A-D-D doesn't spell AIDS!
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Nicole A.
Well Someone Did, Apparently
Old White man: I have never seen a mother treat a child in such a way.
Latina mother: Dude. You don't even want to fuck around with a crazy bitch from the Bronx.
--4/5 train
Overheard by: Taryn
That'll Be a Week's Rent
Tourist chick: Yeah, I like New York, but I could never live here.
Salesguy: Yeah...
Tourist chick: But I mean I love the West Village.
Salesperson: Totally...
Tourist chick: It's just like so expensive to live here.
Cashier guy: That'll be $407 please.
--Jack Spade, Greene Street
Overheard by: Quirine
That's Not Really By Choice, Fattie
Girl #1: Oh, look! Those clothes are cute. Let's go look over there.
Girl #2: Those are maternity clothes.
Girl #1: Oh my God, no way!
Girl #2: Yes, see? It says "A Pea in the Pod Maternity Clothes".
Girl #1: Oh wow, I had no idea!
Girl #2: Yeah, they are.
Girl #1: Well! There isn't going to be a pea in this pod any time soon, I can tell you that!
--Macy's
You Just Got Yours, Boy; You Were Overheard
Guy #1: Hey, check out the headline in the Daily News: Free Viagra for Pervs.
Guy #2: Woo-hoo! When do I get mine?
--Washington Square Park
Your Paranoia Doesn't Mean We Aren't Listening
Woman: There were a few secret societies. I lived next to one of them. There was one at Cornell. The top two floors of this tower were locked up, and every so often there'd be lights.
Man: There's a few secret societies in the US. The Masons, they're really powerful. If you're a lawyer and the judge is one, you go up and give a sign.
Woman: I don't want to think the world is run that way. It makes me too paranoid.
--N train
Girls, Enough with the Foreplay Already
Guy: You are every guy's worst nightmare, you fuck with their heads!
Girl: Hey, I'm not fucking with anyone's head! And it's called mental foreplay anyway.
--Broadway & 11th
Wall Street is the New Chelsea
A well-dressed African-American businessman passes.
Thug #1: He a faggot.
Thug #2: Yo, shut up, man. That faggot got money!
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: Manhattman
I'll Take One of Those Fake Ones, Please
Girl #1: So we're in bed, fooling around, and he goes, "Does it feel good when I rub your G-spot?" And I go, "I'll let you know."
Girl #2: Ooh, that's so mean!
Girl #1: Please. I'll fake a clitoral orgasm for anyone. But I draw the line at faking a G-spot orgasm. No man's self-esteem is that important to me.
--19th & Park
If It's Invisible, Might As Well Make It a Cell
A hobo is talking into his hand as if it were a phone.
Hobo: Fuck that shit. I'm going dancing!
He hangs up his imaginary phone.
Hobo: Damn, that bitch talks too much.
--Staten Island ferry
Democracy Clears Doesn't Work; Back to Monarchy?
Wheeltard: Round here I'm just an idiot, but not in Brooklyn. I'm king in my neighborhood. When I cross that bridge and they see me comin', they know I'm king.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
Girl: I don't know who she thinks she is, but just because she's got cancer doesn't make her Queen Bitch.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony
Manners Have Nothing to Do With Math Skills
Little Chinese girl: You don't understand anything!...Just shut the hell up.
Passerby: I thought Asian kids were supposed to be polite.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Djlindee
The Protocols of the Elders of Fashion
Woman #1: Are you Jewish?
Woman #2: Do I look Jewish? No, I'm not Jewish. I wear pants.
--B1 bus
You Know You're a Man When You Follow a Woman's Orders
Teen boy #1: Yo, your mustache is done, dude! Look, it's filled all the way in!
Teen boy #2: Yeah, I know! But my mom's making me shave it.
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Alex
I Hear Massachusetts Wedding Bells!
Dude: Hey, watch it! Hey!
Old guy: What?
Dude: That's very rude.
Old guy: I said "excuse me".
Dude: Well I didn't hear it.
Old guy: Well maybe you should listen next time.
Dude: Well maybe you should kiss my ass, fag.
Old guy: Fuck off and die.
--Borders men's room, 32nd & 2nd
Northern is the Only Real Italian
Girl #1: What kind of food are we having?
Girl #2: Italian.
Girl #1: No, I mean what nationality?
--L train
Overheard by: Eric Beers
I've Heard of Male PMS, But Not Male MS
Sales guy: I'm been feeling sick all day.
Sales gal: Is it something serious?
Sales guy: Nah, it's not like I'm bleeding from the ass or anything.
--The Strand
Girls Licking Girls Seems More Like Strawberry
Chick #1: I've become so vanilla.
Chick #2: You're not! You're not vanilla!
Chick #1: I so am. Lick me and you'll get diabetes.
--Bloomingdale's
Overheard by: djlindee
Actually, Sis, Evil Means Victory!
Little sister: Mommy, she called me stupid!
Big sister: No I didn't, I called you evil.
Little sister: Evil means stupid.
Mommy: You are both annoying.
--Key Food, Prospect Heights
She Drove Her Car Into a Lamppost
Guy #1: So what happened with you and Liz?
Guy #2: We broke up last week.
Guy #1: For good this time?
Guy #2: Yeah, well, I told her to go get fucked, and apparently that's just what she did.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ted Stickels
Does Kitty Have Green Eyes Too?
Girl #1: My cat drinks out of my water glass all the time.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: I can't drink it after that. I mean, she licks her own ass.
--Central Park
Well, It Was the Galaxy's Oldest Space-profession
Girl #1: So, Anakin is Luke and Leia's father, right?
Girl #2: Right, so who's Hayden Christensen? Who's the sexy guy; not the guy with the beard?
Girl #1: Wait, wasn't Anakin the kid in that scene with Jabba the Hutt, when he was with that ho?...Did they have hos back then?
--F train
Overheard by: Jess
That Would Be Some Mayflower
Rich girl #1: You've got it wrong. The Shiites are the majority in Iraq.
Rich girl #2: Oh, well if the Sunni don't like it, they should just move back to Iran.
--91st & Madison
Overheard by: Sennott
No, We Believe in Letting the Market Show Them
Preppy guy: Libertarianism has nothing to do with showing your breasts.
--Uncle Ming's, Avenue B
Overheard by: Djlindee
How Vanilla Ice Cream Becomes a Chocolate Milkshake
Man: This is no good. It's sour. I want one that's fresh.
Employee: I put ice cream and milk.
Man: I don't care what you put in it. Maybe it's the milk, maybe it's the ice cream. You taste it, or bring out a manager to taste it, either way I want one that's fresh.
Employee: You come tomorrow. Speak with manager. Change with him.
Man: So what am I supposed to do? Stick this in my ass until tomorrow?
--Baskin-Robbins, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Jenn Milazzo
That Line Would Go Over Better in Chelsea
Puerto Rican kid #1: You shut the fuck up, motherfucker!
Puerto Rican kid #2: Come say that to my face! I'll brush yo' teeth with my pee pee!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Yamin Reshamwala
Let's Not Forget the Death by Diarrhea
Woman: So where should I move to?
Man: Ethiopia.
Woman: Nah. They always have famines there.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Greg
It's Pronounced Pee-kar
Girl: What a bizarre name. Where is he from?
Guy: Ohio.
Girl: Oh, okay. That makes sense.
--Rockefeller Center
He's Into White-on-Black Domination
Hipster girl: Is he gay, or just South African?
Hipster boy: Both.
--L train shuttle bus
Overheard by: Justin Sheckler
My Partially Retarded Father
Boy: Hey Dad, you wanna hear what I learned today? "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas", and every word tells you the name of a planet! Wanna try it? OK, I'll say the word, and you tell me which planet it means. Ready? My...
Father: Mars.
Boy: Right. Very...
Father: Venus.
Boy: Uh huh. Educated...
Father: Uh...Earth?
Boy: Yep. Mother...
Father: The Moon.
Boy: Yep.
--7 train
Overheard by: Mikey
Boy on cell: We took the bus to 9th Avenue and I saw a guy lying there with only one shoe on. My dad said that's what happens when you don't go to school.
--42nd & 9th
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Looks Like Backdoor is Out of the Question
New wave girl #1: Are you seriously gonna go back to his place with him?
New wave girl #2: No, not seriously.
--7th & A
Overheard by: saphin
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Hippo
Daughter: What's on your leg?
Mother: It's cellulite, all women have it. And if you think the women you see in magazines don't, they do. They just get it covered up in their pictures by a special pen called an airbrush.
Daughter: Will I get cellulite?
Mother: Yes, soon.
--Century 21, Cortlandt Street
Real Thieves Don't Get Caught
Spanish chick #1: Some people are so stupid.
Spanish chick #2: You know what I'm saying?
Spanish chick #3: I'm studying psychology with a friend of mine and he said that this kid he knows got caught stealing but--get this, right?--the kid said he is not a thief he is just a kleptomaniac.
--Clothing store, 106th & 3rd
Overheard by: pimsluer
I Think She Was Hitting on Him
Bag lady: Lay down again so I can run over you.
White guy: Yeah...sure.
Bag lady: I said lay down again so I can hit you with this cart, you spic.
White guy: Have a nice day.
Bag lady: Nice day? I don't want to have a nice day.
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: Chris
Duane Reade, meet Starbucks. Starbucks, have you met Duane?
Yuppie: If there are a thousand of these places in the city, why is it that nobody can name one of them?
--72nd & Columbus
Overheard by: Harry Milkman
Mortified Laughter: The Cure for Boredom
Two guys and a girl enter the hospital and ask for the restroom. A few minutes later as they're leaving the building the security guard talks to them.
Security guard: That'll be $20.
Guy: What?
Security guard: Ain't nothing for free at the hospital...unless you have an insurance card. Have a good night folks!
--Mount Sinai hospital, 5th Avenue
Overheard by: Vanilla
World-famous doctor: Do you know what I love? Dyslexic Black people. For instance, the other day a Black guy stopped me in his car as I was walking and asked me, "How do I get to the FRD?".
--Tisch hospital, 33rd Street
Overheard Goes to the Midnight Premiere
Stormtrooper: Man, I can't even move in this thing.
Star Wars geek #1: They said no dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: No lightsaber duels?
Star Wars geek #2: No, the're no lightsaber dueling in the theater.
Star Wars geek #1: But they're dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: Yeah, but he's Yoda.
Lady: Look, I've been saving this seat since Attack of the Clones.
Dude: Cool lightsaber.
Dork: Thanks.
Dude: Where'd you get it? Geek.com?
Dork: No. Borders.
--Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street
Nerd: At this point, my expectations are so low, as long as Darth Vader's in it and a lot of people get killed, I'll be happy.
--Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Fanboy: That was great. Now all we need is the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to erase the first two.
--Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street
Overheard by: Jaybill McCarthy
We Prefer the Term "Hobos" Here
Girl #1: Did you enjoy the show?
Guy: Yeah, it was really good.
Girl #2: Yeah, it was. Also, I didn't think we'd see so many bums and stuff.
--Richard Rodgers theatre, W. 46th Street
The Incarnation of Trash
Teenage girl: So do you get it now?!
Dad: I know honey...J. Lo.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Katia
Not Counting the Two Hands
Black dude: Yo, you shoulda seen this baby. It was like 42 inches long.
Spanish chick: Yo, no way. That's like almost 2 feet.
--Q train
Revenge of the Shit Opens Tonight
Girl: That's so scary.
Boy: What?
Girl: The third rail.
Boy: Teah.
Girl: That should be like a movie title or something.
Boy: Third Rail...I should put that in my notebook.
--Trinity School, W. 91st Street
Overheard by: Alexis
It's Not You, It's Me (& Wednesday One-liners)
Woman: ...and he wanted to break up with me so badly, he was like,
"Here, I'll buy you an apartment!"
--Central Park sailboat pond
Overheard by: Sarahvb
Teen chick: I wouldn't want to get married because it takes so long to get a divorce!
--Rockefeller Park
Russian lady: Ya...my mother was lucky. Not many women divorce lawyers.
--6 train
Lady: Come on, since my fucking boyfriend is a fucking crack head, we are fucking gonna pick up some guys tonight.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Julia Wright
Girl: I'm getting kind of tired of him. He used to be the kind of guy you could go out with and never have to talk.
--6 train
Guy on cell: ...so I can fuck her, but I can't marry her. See she's Orthodox, but not Orthodox enough.
--Duane Reade, 51st & 3rd
Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper
Chick on cell: Honey, your boyfriend isn't a boyfriend. He's, like, a boyfriend-substitute...He's, like, the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter of boyfriends.
--Times Square
Overheard by: djlindee
Wednesday One-liners Appeal to the Prurient Interest
Teen boy: Dude, if Chelsea ever spread her legs, bats would fly out.
--1 train
Guy: Getting a blow job from her was like fucking a blow up doll.
--4th & A
Overheard by: cio
Guy: 50,000 people?! By the law of averages, I should get some!
--81st & Broadway
Guy on cell : Listen, the manager said he wants to see anal and he wants to see swallow...
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Marko
Guy: For all the years I've lived in New York, most of the girls I've taken home have been from the subway.
--Washington Heights
FedEx guy: It felt like 100 miles between kissing her and fucking her.
--48th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: John Gullotta
Women Take a Stand on Wednesday One-liners
Petite woman: Just because you are taller doesn't mean you are stronger. I have more power in my finger than that broad! One flick from me and she'd be on her ass!
--43rd & 6th
Guy on cell: I've got the dogs. I've got your mother's latte. I've got your cappuccino, and I'm willing to go back for a movie but you've got to drive me...Hello? Hello?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: amb
Chick: My boss never actually reads her e-mail. I forwarded her a message with someone's address, but she only read the first line and responded "Where's the address"? I mean, scroll down bitch! Jeeeeez.
--Maiden Lane
Overheard by: J
Yoga instructor: I am totally never going back to Dop Dop again. They kept telling people I'm really a brunette.
--Equinox, 50th Street
Girl: And you know what? After having a few accidents, I just decided to wear pads, to let it flow naturally.
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Woman on cell: So she says to me, "Oh, you're so interesting", and I'm like, "Fuck you, you fucking cunt."
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: Heather
Wednesday One-liners are Out in the Streets
Hobo: Shit, I'm jus' tryin' ta get me some pussy and a beef sandwich.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jason K
Old bag lady: I'm looking for some change, some food, or a sexual partner.
--Lafayette & Great Jones
Hobo: I have something to say! I fucked your daughter! And she liked it! And she was tight!
--W. 4th & University
Overheard by: Snezhana Valdman
Hobo: Too many Police investigations stopping you from reaching your destination? I may be homeless, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it's usingable!
--Staten Island ferry
Overheard by: Joel Guilbert
Hobo: Well, since you won't give me money, one more thing. Has your sister or girlfriend, I don't know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat?
--45th & 9th
Overheard by: Paul Schellenberg
Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! Give me some respect!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Evan
Hobo: It's 90 degrees out. Why are we wearing clothes? That's mental illness.
--Rockefeller Center station
Wednesday One-liners Are Phat
Bike guy: It was like the perfect really, really big ass...
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Katie
Fat chick on cell: Is this the Wal-Mart in Queens? Do you have thongs in extra large?
--Target elevator, Atlantic Avenue terminal
Black woman: I don't know who those bitches were callin' fat. Motherfuckers! Everytime I have a baby my stomach goes back down
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Karith
Fat kid: Why can't I get another hot dog? It's not like it's going to make me any fatter.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Eric
Fat man: Mmmhmm...I love me some skinny gothic girls!
--Kim's Video, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: aryn pazornick
Fat guy: I think I want to be Jesus for Halloween this year...I would have to lose some weight though.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Jennie Tang
Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners
British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.
--27th Street office
Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I'll pull out your weave.
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau
Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.
--82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: JY
Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald's. It's all middle class people here.
--McDonald's, 47th Street
Overheard by: Christa Bramberger
As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: tee sul
Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.
--Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street
Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cynthia
My Anti-drug? Wednesday One-liners
Jersey girl: There is no way Anna Nicole lost that weight on TrimSpa. She's obviously smoking crack.
--4 train
Chick: Yeah, she's trying to put back on the 10 pounds she lost during her little crack experimentation.
--Rivington & Allen
Overheard by: Josh Mueller
Crackhead: I had never seen anybody smoking crack. I had no idea what it looked like, somebody smoking crack. Until my uncle. And you know, he changed my Pampers.
--Fourth Ave & Dean Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sparkle shortz
Long-hair: Yeah, so for my birthday I just got myself a shitload of mescalin. And all I did was sit in my apartment all day, tripping my ass off.
--14th & 8th
Overheard by: debo
Guy: I could have been an astronaut if i didn't do so many drugs. Why
didn't anyone tell me?
--Pratt Institute
Wednesday One-liners Do Their Civic Duty
Guy: That's crazy, man. That's worse than crazy, that's fucking psychotic! Seventy dollars for a fucking permit. Seventy, eighty dollars for a moving violation, that I understand. But seventy dollars for a fucking permit? The fucking well is running dry!
--Prospect Avenue station
Overheard by: Alison
Teen girl: Let's order together but have them put it in separate bags. We'll pay less tax that way.
--Wendy's, Union Square
Overheard by: Nathan Kipe
Tourist:...no, really! The streets are so clean!
--24th & Broadway
Overheard by: Manhattman
Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I wipe asses just like you do...only metaphorically.
--William Street & Maiden Lane
Overheard by: shawn mac
Rich lady: When I die, scatter my ashes over Bloomingdale's.
--Neue Gallerie, 86th & 5th
Overheard by: Emily
Peddler: That piece down there was made from an Apple computer box. Forget the painting; I mean, just the box is gorgeous. I have a bit of a cardboard box fetish.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Woman on cell: So he was like, "Why are we taking a cab? It's only 4 or 5 blocks. I know you like exercise. You go to the gym every day." And I was like, "I only exercise the way God intended...on a treadmill." I mean, whatever! Right?
--54th & Park
Overheard by: kittikat
Thank You for Being a Friend?
Old lady #1: Here she comes now.
Old lady #2: I'll be dead by the time she gets here.
Old lady #3: She's not moving too fast.
Their friend arrives.
Old lady #1: Aren't you dead yet?
--5th Ave. & 9th St.
No Matter How Worthless You Are, There's This Girl
Girl #1: I wouldn't get married in New York, no way.
Girl #2. Me neither.
Girl #1: Out of town somewhere, New Haven, Scarsdale: way better. It'd be ridiculous here. Can you imagine?
Girl #3: Yup, right.
Girl #1: Only if I married for money. If he has money, then it's a different story. Let's say, 250k a year. Stockbroker, mortgage investment banker, lawyer surgeon, you know. At least 250 grand, or it might as well be in Boston. And I have to have an au pair, later.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Christopher Lee
Wait Until You See Them Drunk
Girl #1: Look at those characters over there.
Girl #2: They're Hasidic Jews.
--A train
Overheard by: ham
There Were Piles of Matzoh Balls Everywhere
Girl: Is that soup place the Soup Nazi? Did he go out of business?
Guy: Yeah, ever since Soup V.E. Day...
--55th & 8th
Overheard by: Lindsay Robertson
I Think She Just Came Out...
Rashad: That's not the new Rashad. That's the old Rashad. I don't do that anymore! I wouldn't date the old Rashad. I wouldn't date me at all. I'm dating you!
Girlfriend: Then what am I doing with you?
Rashad: Come on, like you would date you?
Girlfriend: Yes!
--72nd & 2nd
When Degrassi Becomes Americanized
Chick #1: Look, look, it's that school. You know they be smokin' 'n shit over there!
Chick #2: Yeah, why you think we used to go up in there? I love that school, they be doing X in there 'n shit. Everybody be chillin' in da hallways doin' whateva, makin' out 'n shit, you know?
Chick #3: For real?
Chick #2: Why you think we used to hang out there?
--D train
Overheard by: CM
No, But It Sure Smells Better
Construction worker: Wow, baby, come over here and sit on my face!
Girl: Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Mark T
"My pectorals also seem overdeveloped."
Girl #1: I think I hurt myself. Look at this. What is this?
Girl #2: That's a muscle.
Girl #1: Right there?
Girl #2: It's a calf. It's supposed to have a muscle.
--NYSC, 59th & Park
Overheard by: Katie C
She's Like a Giant Mallomar
Teenage boy: I really need a girlfriend.
Teenage girl: Why?
Teenage boy: 'Cause they're all sweet and soft and crap.
Teenage girl: Go out with Marla. She's soft.
Teenage boy: No, that's not soft; that's obesity.
--N train
Hopefully She'll Down a Bottle of Rubbing
Girl #1: Get me something else at the bar?
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I've run out of alcohol to go with my champagne.
--Central Park boathouse
Teaching the Indie Kids to Overhear Again
Indie guy: There are so many people here I know from MySpace, but none of them will look me in the face.
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Guy: God, why is there always something with this place? Who are all of these lame yuppies here?
Girl: Who the fuck knows? But man, I swear, until White people learn how to dance, I am sooo boycotting shows at the Knitting Factory...
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Overheard by: astralgirl01
It Stands for "Retarded"
Teen girl: What time does TRL tape?
Street vendor: What time do you watch it?
Teen girl: 4 o'clock.
Street vendor: What does the L stand for?
--Times Square
Overheard by: mark manne
The Correct Answer is "Botanical Pornography"
Guy in car: Hey, what's that white stuff in the trees?
Pedestrian: Umm...blossoms?
Guy in car: Yeah, but what are they?
Pedestrian: White blossoms?
--88th & 5th
Overheard by: Siobhan
Learning Slang (A NYC Short Story)
Homo thug #1: Why you guys keep saying "cuss"? Isn't it "swear"?
Homo thug #2: Cuss and swear are the same thing.
Homo thug #1: ...nooooooo, really?
--Biscuit, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Mr. Tips
Nor Will It Be On An Exclamation Point
Teen guy: Come on baby, no one's home yet.
Teen girl: No, I can't.
Teen guy: You love me right?
Teen girl: Sure!
Teen guy: So what's the problem?
Teen girl: You know.
Teen guy: What?
Teen girl: I got my period.
Teen guy: No shit, again?
Teen girl: Be happy about that.
Teen guy: ...your mouth isn't on any period, is it?
--B train
Overheard by: Michael Fitzgerald
Unlike Said Slaves
Girl on cell: I'll get a celebrity to pay for my trip. Yah, like Oprah. You know, like on TV Oprah? I'm going to stop slavery. There are 7 million slaves in the world and I'm going to stop all of it...If I want to stop slavery, then I will! I can do anything I want to do!
--W train
Overheard by: SS
Sassy is the New Black
Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy's just a little too sassy for me.
--Chat n' Chew, E. 16th Street
Overheard by: Gus Colletti
Sounds Like Someone's Never Been in a Time Machine
Teen boy #1: Yo, this horseshit on the street? That's so ghetto, man.
Teen boy #2: You fuckin' dumbass. Ain't no horses in the ghetto.
--14th & 6th
Conceived While Mom Yelled "No" and Dad Yelled "Yes"
Guy: Yeah, they had the baby, named her Maybe, and--
Girl: Wait, they named her Maybe? As in M-A-Y-B-E?
Guy: Uh, yeah. Maybe. But I think it might be spelled differently.
Girl: That's odd, really a weird baby name.
Guy: Yes, yes it is. But it's sort of like, maybe she's theirs, maybe she's not.
--L train
After Two Years, It's a Punchline
Queer #1: I think after a year torture is really a "lifestyle".
Queer #2: Yeah, right.
--Houston & Sullivan
Overheard by: Scottie
They're Filled with Menses
Guy: That's pretty ballsy.
Chick: Honey, I have testicles. The reason I don't wear skirts is not 'cause of my chicken legs, it's 'cause I don't want people to see my huge, hanging testicles.
Guy: ...well, all right.
--44th & 5th
Overheard by: Kevin
You So Stupid You Puke From Your Ass
Meathead #1: I think I just threw up in my pants.
Meathead #2: Cool.
--51st & 2nd
Anything Gets You Hard at That Age
JHS girl #1: Bitch, I will beat your ass!
JHS girl #2: I'll beat your mother's ass!
JHS boy: Y'all two are making my dick hurt.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Gus Colletti
Terror Alert Level: Indifferent
Guy: I think Ground Zero is kind of interesting. There's nothing there, but it's kind of cool. Also, if you walk along 5th Avenue there's a lot of cool stores.
--V train
Fat lady: Well, this was worth the cab ride, I guess.
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: Eileen Donnelly
Foreign tourist: Excuse me, where is the World Trade Center?
Woman: Um, they're gone.
--Church & Warren
Overheard by: Clay Caviness
$30 If You Count the Refreshments
Teen girl #1: Well, what's more important right now? Going to the movies or getting stoned?
Teen girl #2: God, I don't know...It's ten dollars either way.
--Columbus Circle station
Overheard by: djlindee
"Yes, that's how the zombie identified itself."
Girl on cell: Wait, you mean John? Like, John John?
--Astor Place
My Brother Died of Herpes of the Shit
Girl #1: ...and I told him, he was going over there all the time and letting the dog lick in the face and kiss him.
Girl #2: And now he gots herpes of the mouth and shit.
--Bushwick
Overheard by: Spider
You Leave Morten Alone! Lifelines is Genius!
Girl: Ugh, it's that guy!
Dude: What guy?
Girl: The lead singer of A-ha is making my life hell.
--92nd & 2nd
Most Children Are
Intellectual: I can't believe some adults enjoy reading those Harry Potter books; they're just awful.
Book vendor: Maybe some of them are still children.
Intellectual: I think some of them are psychopaths.
--W. 4th & Greene
Overheard by: Brian Lang
Literacy: The Most Offensive Ghetto Stereotype
HS girl #1: I read five books a week and my parents get mad at me because it costs them a lot of money.
HS girl #2: I read like five books a week too, but I get mine from the library.
HS girl #1: Oh, that's ghetto.
--Times Square
Fat Black guy: They ain't got nuthin' in here for someone from the ghetto!
--Starbucks, Astor Place Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Dan Avery
Wonder Bread: The Secret Origin
Teen girl #1: Did you know that Always is, like, 60% more likely to cause yeast infections than other brands?
Teen girl #2: Do they fucking bake their pads?
--Macy's
Overheard by: djlindee
You Keep Saying It, We'll Keep Posting It
Black girl: Some motherfucker put me on this site called overheardinnewyork.com. It's so fucked up. Why would anyone put what I said on the streets to a site? This shit is not fucking funny.
Black guy: What was put up? I gotta check this out, this shit sounds funny.
Black girl: You were there, it was the time I told this Chinese nigger to apologize and he ended up telling me to go fuck myself, and it was posted by some motherfucker called Ting. Is that even a real fucking name?
Black guy: Yeah, I remember that, that shit was hilarious.
Black girl: Fuck you laughing at? Don't make me rip your balls out.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Ting (again!)
She Meant the Melanin
White girlfriend: You've got something on your face.
Black boyfriend: It's probably your hatred.
--Barnes & Noble, 8th Street
Overheard by: m-Co
The PC Keeps Going on Siesta
Clerk: What's in the box you're shipping?
Customer: A computer.
Clerk: Where's it going?
Customer: Spain.
Clerk: Is that domestic?
Customer: No, that'd be fairly international.
--Kinko's, Duane Street
Overheard by: Joshua Cody
Girl: Bitch, for the last time, Spain is not part of Latin America!
--Columbia University dorm
Overheard in the Headlines: The Train Bridge Fire
Conductor: We're experiencing some slight delays. There seems to be a power outage in the station. Or on the tracks. Or there might be an Amtrak line down. You should probably get off now and take the PATH. And if you didn't hear this message the other three times, I'll be saying it again in 30 seconds.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: gigglechick
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're on Track A, which is normally an eastbound track. We're waiting for written instructions to depart. They're probably making copies for us right now. Thank you for your patience.
--Newark Penn Station
Overheard by: gigglechick
Kind of Like "Puerterrific!"
Girl: He's so hotly Jewy. He gives me hot Jew-boy fever.
Guy: I like it when an entire race of people can be summed up in one word.
Girl: It's a compliment.
--Donut House, Court Street
Coffins Now 10% Off with Student ID!
Employee: Can I leave at 5?
Boss: Why?
Employee: I cannot work here for more than 5 hours day, for medical reasons.
Boss: What reason?
Employee: Well, this work is so dull and unsatisfying that if I work more than 5 hours a day I could jump out the window?
Boss: Wait, did you say you go to NYU?
--22nd Street office
Bystander guy #1: Congratulations!
Bystander guy #2: One sixteenth of you are gonna make it!
--NYU Graduation Ceremony, Washington Square Park
The Abortion Debate: Pro
Mom: Why don't you like to play with Tommy? He likes to play with you when you get home from school.
Little girl: I'm very busy, you know. At 6:00, I eat dinner. At 7:00, I brush my teeth. At 8:00, I do my homework. At 9:00 I go to bed. I'm sorry, but Tommy will just have to take a number.
--M14 bus
Chick #1: Y'all heard Denelle pregnant?
Chick #2: Damn, I can't imagine tryin ta have no baby. If I had a baby then I couldn't hang out wit y'all no more.
Chick #3: Shit, we need to git you a man, then. I'm tired o' yo broke ass!
--D train
Never Give Implants to the Blind
Girl #1: Her silicon boobs were, like, oozing out of her eyes.
Girl #2: Weird...
--W train
Overheard by: Jen
He'll Know It When He Starts Crying During Sex
Chick #1: That one guy's kinda cute, but I think he's gay.
Chick #2: Yeah, but I don't think he knows it yet. Go for it.
--Fat Black Pussy Cat, W. 3rd Street
Overheard by: Djlindee
C'mon Gawker Stalker, Get in Gear!
Wannabe model on cell: ... and I was on the dance floor, and Gisele was dancing next to me...No, Leo wasn't there but I was totally dancing next to Gisele and you know what? She like totally can't dance! I mean, I totally looked hotter than her on the dance floor! I mean, I think she was like on drugs or something! I just couldn't believe that Gisele can't dance!
--48th & 6th
Heather Herself Has That Big Cock Addiction
Sorority girl #1: No, really, tanning is, like, my downfall.
Queer: Please, how often can you possibly tan?
Sorority girl #1: Constantly. I'm, like, a certified tanaholic. It's a real problem. Hey! Heather! What would you say my biggest addiction is?
Sorority girl #2: Um, I dunno...coke?
Awkward silence ensues.
--27th & Madison
Better Check for That Foreskin
Man: ...and he might give us that cat he was talking about.
Wife: We are not getting a cat.
Man: But you'd love this cat! It has such a great personality!
Wife: Alan, stop the sales pitch, we're not getting a cat, we're not getting a dog--
Man: This cat even looks a little like you, it's got your complexion and everything!
Wife: I thought you said it was a Jewish cat! I thought you said it was a Jewish cat!
--Port Authority
It's Lunchtime, New York!
Black guy: I want pork fried rice with fried wonton, a shrimp roll, and wonton soup...Hey! Did you hear me?!
Counter lady: Yes, yes...pork spare ribs.
--Chinese takeout, Madison & Rutgers
Overheard by: Joe R
Tastes Nothing Like Chicken
Black guy #1: How'd you know the tornado was by your house?
Black guy #2: 'Cause I walked out back and the tree was blowing like a fuck. Then I walked out front and the wind wasn't even blowing.
Black guy #1: Damn, cuz. But anyway, since you're from the country, how do I get these pigeons to go away?
Black guy #2: With a hot grill.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Dj wan-two
Annie is Spinning in Her Redheaded Grave
Fashion girl #1: Today should be Friday.
Fashion girl #2: Seriously. It feels like Friday.
Fashion girl #1: It would be fabulous if today was Friday.
Fashion girl #2: Fuck tomorrow.
--95th & 3rd
Overheard by: Sam J
M&M's Have Some Effect, Fattie
Fat guy #1: She's blonde...really tall...
Fat guy #2: Who is she?
Fat guy #1: The nanny. But I think she does drugs.
Fat guy #2: Oh yeah? How do you know? Dilated pupils?
Fat guy #1: Yep. But I don't think she does it a lot. Just on the weekends.
Fat guy #2: Well, if you start taking 'em more than that it's like eating M&M's: no effect!
Fat guy #1: Heh, heh.
Fat guy #2: You know, it's like a toilet. You gotta let the water build up again before you can flush it.
--7 train
Overheard by: Marissa Rich
Who's. Your. Mommy.
Woman: ...he's been practicing for weeks and weeks and weeks, maybe months. We're going to stay for an hour, and when we leave--and during the whole show--we have to be very, very quiet. Like a mouse. OK?
Girl: Yes, Eliza.
Woman: What's my name?
Girl: Eliza.
Woman: And what's my other name, my special name just for you?...Mommy, OK? My name is Mommy.
--M7 bus
Wednesday One-liners Are Smokin'
Guy on cell: Dude, I'm looking in a mirror right now, and I'm really hot. Seriously though, do you think I'm really hot or just average?...But you haven't seen me since I got rid of my hair...
--North Six, Williamsburg
Drunk guy: Yeah, she's a model. Anybody that pretty has a 6 pound dog, she's a model.
--Chelsea Piers
Overheard by: Diane
Chick on cell: I don't know if it's his complete lack of direction in life or his total depression, but I find him like soooo freaking hot.
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Enjoy Your Visit, Wednesday One-liners
Midwestern mom: Oh my word, that mannequin has nipples!
--Saks Fifth Avenue
Girl: Whoa, that building is tall!
--Empire State Building
Southern lady on cell: New York City, New York...Yes, I'd like the listing for Starbucks...You mean there's more than one?
--Times Square
Woman on cell: They have strange stores here. She made me come to this place called Archaeology.
--Anthropologie, 5th Avenue
Overheard by: rehey11
Tourist chick: OK, this is 14th Avenue, we are only three stops away, we should prepare to get out. OK, everybody stand up and get to the doors right now!
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
Wednesday One-liners Stand Behind the White Line
Black man: What is that, a raincoat? You should hang onto that. You never know when it might come back into style.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Palaverist
Driver: Step allll the way in the back please! All the way in the back! There's some cheese and crackers there.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Vas Sloutchevsky
Puerto Rican chick: That mothafucka's crazy. I ain't puttin' that in my butt.
--B46 bus
Overheard by: Jennifer Hess
Taste the Rainbow of Wednesday One-liners
Black kid: He don't know if he's a fag, man. He's at that time, you know, your body's changing.
--Chambers Street station
Twink: Why does every gay bar smell the same?
--Urge, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Scott Anderson
Lesbian: Then I had an epiphany: I realized I had a mullet. And I started to cry.
--17th & 6th
Dramasexual: Do you want to come up to my place and "ease on down the road"?
--1/9 train
Queer: Oh my gawd that dawg looks just like my Janet (I named her after Janet Jackson, god bless her). My dawg's name was Janet, my cat's name was Janet, Janet Janet Janet! And the cat was a boy, too.
--Union Square dog run
Overheard by: Lisa G.
Now Soliciting Wednesday One-liners
Newspaper vendor: Come on, people! Buy this right-wing rag! Buy it!
--41st & 6th
Overheard by: M. Hutchinson
Shop owner: Come inside! Come on our floors! Come everywhere!
--Canal Street store
Overheard by: Casey D.
Guy on cell: I'm just out here trying to sell comedy club tickets to upper middle class White people. What are you doing?
--Broadway & 46th
Flyer guy: Eyebrow threading! Eyebrow threading! That's right, mo more crooked-ass eyebrows!
--35th & 7th
Overheard by: Johnny Peppas
Love is Strange, Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: ...and she says, "If you cheat on me, you'll die, and go to hell and burn." So I say, "There's no way I'm going to hell for a bitch. Cause there's too many of them!"
--Lafayette & Fulton, Brooklyn
Construction worker: Yeah man, I just raw dogged her and ditched!
--Grand & Ludlow
Man on cell: How's the birthday?...Yeah, big 5-0 for me....Well, I ditched the wife, make more money, and have a 33 year old girlfriend. That's 50 for ya.
--N train
Overheard by: Doug Gaeta
Guy: Is that her panties or his sock he's sniffing?
--Mary Boone Gallery, W. 24th Street
Overheard by: Captive 411
Bike girl on cell: Hey, this is Tammy. Yet again you were in my dream. It involved fucking. Call me back.
--Prospect Park
Hipster: Nothing says "I love you" like a cactus.
--52nd & 9th
Overheard by: kath williams
Say What, Wednesday One-liners?
Softball coach: Who's not here? Who's ever not here, raise your hand!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Andrea
Woman: Some people are idea people but don't do anything about it, and some people are executioners.
--2/3 train
Hippie: Yeah, it sucks, he needs a quintuplet bypass!
--Red Hook post office
Overheard by: Mia Mylet
Girl: Well, I'm taking Portuguese this semester, 'cause it's a requirement to be an accountant.
--NYU Bobst Library
Overheard by: Greg
Wednesday One-liners Just Promote Stereotypes
Chick on cell: Yeah, I'll put a tarp down, but everyone spraypaints on the roof. There's graffiti all over it 'cause it's the ghetto. There's crackheads everywhere, so no one's going to care about some little White girl with a spray can.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ani Sin
Thug kid: Yo man, Welsh is the place to be. They drink as much as the Irish, but they don't got the rep for it yet.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Pegs Landing
Latina: My sister married a Puerto Rican, my brother married a Puerto Rican, I don't wanna marry no Puerto Rican. I wanna step up--marry some White guy.
--42nd & 3rd
Crazy Black man: I ain't sucking on Whitey's balls! Are you? I ain't playin with Whitey's dick! Are you?
--Union Square
Guy: I've never seen an English porn. It's probably bad teeth and fish
'n chips and stuff.
--27th Street office
Man on cell: Do you hear all this noise? You'd never hear people honking their horns like that in Singapore...it's considered to be insulting!
--23rd & 6th
Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: The way this train is moving you'd be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown.
--F train
Overheard by: Matt
Chick: Everybody at work lives in Park Slope. They have nicknames for the subway: N stands for Never, R stands for Rarely, and W for Whatever.
--Forbes Magazine gym, 5th Avenue
Conductor: There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don't pee on the seats people.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Susie P
Conductor: This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St...by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick.
--F train
Overheard by: RMC
Those Discs Better Be Shaved and Licked Clean
Chick: Do you trust me with your CDs? I'll try not to scratch them or anything.
Dude: I trust you with my balls. I think I'm OK with you touching my CDs.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Listen to Preppy; He Knows What He's Talking About
Flaming queer: What you whiteboys don't realize is that the foreskin is not a chew toy. Maybe a little biting is OK, but don't go down on it like a stick of Trident.
Preppy queer: This is totally going to end up on Overheard if you don't quiet down.
Flaming queer: I'm Puerto Rican; we're a loud people. It's all of the drums.
--Candle Bar, Amsterdam Avenue
Private Schools: The Difference is Clear?
Catholic School boy #1: Man, I can call a bitch a bitch if I wanna call her a bitch.
Catholic School girl: Nah, you can't call a girl a bitch. It's offensive, stupidass.
Catholic School boy #2: Yeah man, I don't call 'em bitch no more. Now, I call 'em broads.
Catholic School boy #1: Nah, I ain't callin' you a bitch cause you bitchin'. I'm calling you a bitch cause that's just what you call 'em. It's a colloquialism.
--6 train
Overheard by: Jacob Feldman
Foreplay Don'ts
Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?...I'll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I'm really a nice girl...I'm just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay...What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You're sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep...and go look for a job in the morning.
--Cassidy's Ale House, Flushing
Overheard by: Stephan
Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I'm a big girl, they're as closed as they're gonna get. It's called "fat".
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Djuna
Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!...Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK...so, uh...how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?
--Washington Square Park
That Middle Seat (A NYC Short Story)
Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, sit on the 6 train. Across from them sit their mother and their aunt. The older boy stands, letting his brother continue to sit, next to a pole. A largish older lady wedges herself in next to the young boy, pushing him into the pole.
Mother: Lady, you can't sit there, you're crushing him!
Lady: I'm old enough to sit, he's young enough to stand.
Mother: You're crushing him!
Lady: He has plenty of room.
Younger brother: Get the hell off!
Lady: I'm old enough to be your grandmother.
Younger brother: You're not my grandmother.
Mother: Thank God.
Aunt: Thank God.
Younger brother: Get off me, you big fat lady!
Mother: Stop that, be quiet. Get over here.
He moves to her lap.
Younger brother: You're not my grandmother.
Older brother: Would everybody shut up? Don't fight on the train!
Lady's husband: Stop it. Stop talking to them.
Lady: I'm telling you to close your mouth.
Older brother: Everybody stop!
Mother: We're getting off here.
Aunt: Thank God.
Lady: Thank God.
The family hustles out of the train. The rest of the passengers laugh as quietly as possible.
--6 train
"..and then come in the audience."
Woman: When Denzel comes on stage, I'm going to throw my panties up there.
--Belasco Theater, W. 44th Street
Overheard by: Julia Caesar
Jew Bashing Ain't What It Used to Be
Crazy guy: They have millions of dollars! But they're mongoloids! They have more money than New York City! But they're mongoloids! Put it at the top of your list! They have more money than New York State! But they're mongoloids!
--G train
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
They Had the Strength of an Ape, and No Remorse
Construction guy #1: I had to hire dis retarded kid, and ya know, I don't know how it's gonna be.
Construction guy #2: Yeah...but hey doh, didn't you ever beat up a retarded kid in school? 'Member how strong dey wuh?
--6 train
Overheard by: Anonymous and Ethan Aronoff
So Many Produce Punchlines, So Little Headline Space
Man: I wonder why they named him that?
Woman: He must be shaped like their favorite vegetable.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Lero
Only the Ones Who Are Chic
Chick: In my passport photo, I totally look like a suicidal heroin addict.
Mom: Well, at least that probably means you look thin. Aren't heroin addicts thin?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Djlindee
"Not as sweet. I sure could use a RIGHT CLICK BUTTON."
A woman noisily bites into an apple, opposite a guy typing on his iMac laptop. She says: Mine's delicious, how's yours?
--A train
Just Practicing for a Future Prison Sentence
Meathead #1: Dude, you saw Mitzo was found "Not Guilty" of child molestation, right?
Meathead #2: Yeah I did. Have you talked to him?
Meathead #1: Yeah, we were doing high-fives over some little girl's back while we sodomized her.
--Victor's Gym, Sherman Avenue
Overheard by: jermaine propane
But Then the Uncles Start Pinching Your Cheeks
Boy #1: It's so gross! My aunts pinch my cheeks and call me cute and make, like, cow noises!
Boy #2: Take it from me: wait 'til you get older. I promise, no one will ever call you cute again.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Andrea
It's Kind of Like 666, But More Efficient
Crazy woman: 66?
Guy: Huh?
Crazy woman: 66?
Guy: Are you asking if it's 66th Street?
Crazy woman: Do you speak english?
Guy: ...no...I don't.
--9 train
Overheard by: Petey Mills
Staten Island Just Keeps Getting Classier
Staten Island chick: These kids used to go the playground by my house and wind a rope around the merry-go-round and then tie it to the bumper of their car and drive away so the thing would spin outta control--like really fast--until one time some girl got thrown like 20 feet and she died. Then they took it out.
Brother #1: What? Wait, she died? How old was she? Like a kid? How old? How old?
Brother #2: She was 92. She had a full life so you really can't feel all that bad.
--50th & 6th
They Moonlight Tapping the Ground for Mines
Kid #1: Yo, blind people can rake mad money walking dogs.
Kid #2: I hear you!
--M15 bus
Her Days Interning at the Klan Were Not Happy Ones
Businesswoman: You know, I used to get worked up over that too, but it's not my career. I don't care anymore. Just pay me and don't disrespect me, slap my ass, or call me "nigger", and we're cool.
--Quizno's, 14th & 6th
She Has Truly Left a Legacy That Will Not Be Forgotten
Girl #1: That's terrible!
Girl #2: Well, don't ask me to tell you a Terri Schiavo joke and then get angry when it's tasteless!
--12th & University
Smells Like Teen Coitus
Guy: Why didn't you want to tell my mom what you're studying in school?
Girl: What was I supposed to do, say, "I study sexuality and your son is homework" and drag you by the arm into the bedroom? I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of hussy who only uses people for sex as part of her doctoral research.
Guy: Actually, she would've been fine with that.
--Mott & Grand
Overheard by: Djlindee
Because It's Impossible to Convey That Non-verbally
Girl: All I know in Spanish is how to say "give it to me hard".
Boy: But that's all that matters.
--Apple Store, Prince Street
The Beauty of Cantonese (A NYC Short Story)
Two Chinese men sit down on the bench next to a sleeping homeless man trying to sleep.
Hobo: Ah, hell no! You're not going to start having a conversation like that at 3 in the fuckin' morning...I ain't got no motherfucking subtitle button on me!
--49th Street station
Overheard by: Schweiz
Don't Forget Grandma Today Either!
Woman #1: I got my grandmother the hugest card for Mother's Day. She likes things that are really big.
Man: See, and they always told me that size doesn't matter.
Woman #1: It really doesn't matter what it says; she doesn't understand English, anyway.
Woman #2: Do you think giving her the big card makes her understand it better the same way people think that talking louder to people who can't speak English make them understand you?
--14th Street elevator
Happy Unprotected Sex Day!
Letch: So, are you traveling for business or pleasure?
PYT: Neither, I'm going to see my mother.
--JFK Airport bar
Chick: So I said to him, "Your mom's dead, so why don't you chill with us on Mother's Day?"
--Thompson & Houston
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Make Sure You're Not That Someone Today
Black guy on cell: Yeah, man, you know. I don't do that stuff no more, y'know what I'm sayin'? I used to, but I leave all that stuff in the past. I know where it's all at, though, in case I have to go back to it, I can, y'know? I can still work it so if they fuck up, someone ain't gonna see they momma in the mornin', y'know?
--Metro North train
Overheard by: Mike Sidoti
NYC: The Best Restaurants Beget the Best Eating Disorders
Well-dressed girl #1: You know what?
Well-dressed girl #2: What?
Well-dressed girl #1: Throwing up at work really isn't as bad as it seems.
--Prince Street between Lafayette & Mulberry
Waif #1: Ugh. I feel so fat...I feel so gross. I'm not going to fit into any of my summer clothes...I've been trying to be so good, going to the gym everyday and everything.
Waif #2: You're not fat.
Waif #1: Yes I am. You can only say that because you're thin...I ate a salad today for lunch. But then I just ate all of these sweet thingamajiggies.
--W train
Overheard by: Nora S.
Columbia chick on cell: ...I mean, like, yesterday I totally pigged out on salad.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Presenting Our Catch Phrase for the Day
Woman #1: Ah, look at those beautiful puppies.
Woman #2: Puppies are bullshit.
--Bay Ridge
Dad Ordered the T-mobile Steak (You Get More)
Tween chick #1: So when we went to Canada, we had deer.
Tween chick #2: Really? Doesn't it have a special name too?
Tween chick #1: Yeah. Verizon, like the phones.
--M14 bus
Overheard by: Melissa
That, and His Advanced HIV
Nursing student #1: That wouldn't happen to him. He's not like that. His blood isn't bad or anything.
Nursing student #2: No, his blood is fine.
Nursing student #1: The only thing bad about his blood is that he's a man.
--NYU bathroom
Down to Literally Eating the Bark Off a Tree
Scraggly teen boy: Are you still a vegan?
Scraggly teen girl: Yeah, I'm still a vegan, except I ate a cinnamon roll today. But, you know, it happens.
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Amanda Nazario
I Think Those Stories Stink
Girl: One of my favorite stories is about my dead friend Kim.
Guy: Oh, I love the dead Kim stories.
--Dos Cominos, Park Ave South
Overheard by: Scott
Call Me, Ishmael
Chick #1: I still haven't make him come! It's become, like, the major quest of my life.
Chick #2: So, basically, you're Captain Ahab and he's your Moby Dick?
Chick #1: Do you spend your spare time sitting around and thinking up these retorts?
Chick #2: I lead an empty life.
--Dallas BBQ, 8th & University
Overheard by: Djlindee