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June 2005 Archives
He's Just Not That Into Your Calendar
Girl #1: So he told me that no matter what happens on June 31st, he will come to my house and we'll discuss our wedding.
Girl #2: I wish my boyfriend would be there for me.
Girl #1: It sounds nice, doesn't it? Except there is no 31st of June.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ting
Catholic schoolgirl: I am so mature! I'm gonna be 16 soon. That means I can drive.
Boyfriend: That's awesome.
Catholic schoolgirl: How many months is that in?
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Catholic schoolgirl: Let's see...June, July, August, September, November...December? No, that's not right...January, February, April, May...
--N train
Overheard by: Olga Kogan
Maybe She Wasn't Standing When Her Water Broke
Chick #1: What's the deal with Mimi, anyway? She's been pregnant for a while.
Chick #2: I know. I'm beginning to think she's just fat.
--Mimi Maternity, 87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Hey "Mom": It Can't Drown if There's No Water
Girl #1: When I'm older and I'm pregnant, I hope I'm standing when my water breaks cause I don't want the baby to come down and, like, drown.
Girl #2: My Mom went down in a gutter with me.
--B44 bus
Not One As Widespread as Idiocy
Girl #1: They named their kid Lotus?
Girl #2: That's kind of cool.
Girl #1: How?
Girl #2: Well, it's got good connotations, you know? I mean, you'd never meet a bitch named Lotus.
Girl #1: Yeah, but...weren't they, like, a plague?
--John Fluevog, Mulberry Street
Overheard by: Courtney
Overheard on the Radio
The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).
As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.
--Centre Street office
It's Hungry for a Baby
College boy #1: Did you see the camel toe on her? It was like her vagina was hungry or something.
College boy #2: Yeah, she had a ravenous vagina.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Brooklyn Julie
No, That's Alcoholautism
Arty girl: You know what Asperger's is, right?
Arty guy: No.
Arty girl: It's that type of Autism where people are obsessed with trains.
Arty guy: Oh! So is that what all the subway conductors have?
--F train
I Think I'm Going to Be Sick
Girl #1: She looks so good now, though!
Girl #2: Yeah, well, if she would keep a meal down once in a while she might not...
--9th Avenue & Little West 12th Street
Overheard by: Wyatt Neumann
Girl #1: They were all wondering why I wasn't eating, and they kept asking me to eat something, so I just finally had a sandwich to shut them up. So when I went back to the hotel, I threw up.
Girl #2: I totally understand, I would have done the same thing.
--NYSC locker room, 23rd & Park
We Love It When Our Friends Become Successful
For those of you into voyeurism and candor, the website Double Agent is based on the premise of "women spying on women for men." We asked the guys over there for some recommendations of their work, and these fly-on-the-wall video clips are what they came up with: 1, 2, 3, 4. Enjoy!
Don't Give a Guy Ideas
Girl: You don't like hot dogs?
Guy: Only at baseball games.
Girl: Well, we could go downstairs and, like, throw a bat around.
--59th Street office
Forget Get That Tool; She's Not Loose
Guy: Are you a robot?
Chick: What?
Guy: Are you a robot? Because I think you need some repairs.
Chick: No, I'm not.
Guy: Are you sure? Because I got a screwdriver in my back seat.
--Broadway between Spring & Broome
Overheard by: Jessica Jaglois
Just Wait Until He Hits Satellite...
Mom: I don't know where you learned a word like that! Where would you hear that? That's a bad name. We don't call people that. I just don't understand where you would have picked that up. Maybe from Howard Stern.
--2 train
Wednesday One-liners Need Relationship Counseling
Black guy: I ain't saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch.
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Rick Segall
Fratboy: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Shoplady on phone: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me...I mean, she's ugly but it's good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex.
--Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Sarah C
Jamaican lady: We don't fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love.
--Washington Heights
Guy on cell: You had sex with my sister!...Well was she any good?...Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick?
--Times Square
Guy: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go...I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I'd have a date for Saturday.
--Union Squre theatre
Suit: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn't work out.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Black Red Yellow NYC
Wednesday One-liners Love Their Sports
Guy: I was never any good at sports...I've watched the Superbowl a few times.
--Flatiron office
Lady on phone: Yeah, they have seat fillers at the Oscars and other award shows, you didn't know that? It's so when they pan over the audience it doesn't look like a Mets game.
--40th Street office
Overheard by: Clay Caviness
Guy: I'm not going to be the only guy at the hockey party holding an apple turnover.
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: Christopher Miner
Wednesday One-liners Ain't Talking Without a Lawyer
Guy: Just because I got a felony doesn't mean I'm going to jail.
--outside Kew Gardens Criminal Courthouse
Overheard by: Scott Bee
Man walking down the street with a wooden square around his neck says: I'm an innocent man! I've been framed, I'm tellin' ya!
--Carmine & Bleecker
Black guy: Yo, do y'all got $6? Whoa, whoa, listen, I'm Black but I'm no criminal!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Erica Gridelli
Wednesday One-liners Have Questions About NY
Tourist guy: We're staying down on Two Avenue. Now do they say Two Avenue or Second Avenue here?
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Chess
Tourist woman: We're in Manhattan, right?
--Times Square
Tourist girl: Can't we like, just call a cab? You know, like, "Hi, we need a cab, pick us up here?"
--42nd between Broadway & 6th
Overheard by: Heather Hunter
Tourist guy: Do they just breed dogs smaller here, or what?
--Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: jillypickle
Those Jews and Their Wednesday One-liners
Asian guy: Are there really this many Israelis in New York?
--61st & 5th
Overheard by: Adam Shprintzen
Tourist girl: What's a knish? I don't know about these flavors. Can I get a plain one?
--Yonah Schimmel's Knishery, Houston Street
White girl: There's really no difference between gay guys and Jewish guys...Just the hat and a little ass-fucking, but other than that they're pretty much the same.
--184th & Bennett
Girl: I don't know if it's an ego thing or what, but Jews really turn me on!
--French Roast Cafe, West 11th Street
Overheard by: Dottie McFarland
Wednesday One-liners Are Ready to Order
Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don't speak English so they didn't understand what you wanted.
--ESPNZone, Times Square
Overheard by: Rachel W
Spanish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn't swollen at all. They was tellin' me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin' rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone.
--M train
A hobo walks up to the people outside and says: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere.
--Indochine, Lafayette Street
Drunk guy: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, "What's the problem?".
--47th & 9th
Overheard by: JH
Woman: Can you please make sure it's a boy lobster? I'm only into boys, and don't want to eat a girl.
--Austin ale house, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: tom
Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don't pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Alita
Wednesday One-liners in: The Dangers of Cell Phones
Woman on cell: Hi honey...yes, I'm fine...I can hear you...stop saying hello to me. I goddammn hate it when you say hello.
--42nd & Madison
Hobo: Hey, miss! Yeah, you! Talkin' on your cell! Don't walk away from me! I see you listenin' to me! Hell, I can hear you listenin' to me!
--43rd & 8th
Woman on cell: Guess where I am....guess where I am!...Hello? Hello? Shit!
--La Baguette, University Place
Overheard by: Matty K
Wednesday One-liners Have to Get an Intervention
Woman: Oh! I got you some Xanax for your wedding day.
--14th & 9th
Guy: I don't call myself an alcoholic any more. I find it really hard to separate out my shit like that.
--Washington Square South
Woman: I think I'm just going to stay in and have a heroin night.
--11th & University
Wednesday One-liners Have Their Priorities Straight
Three JHS boys pass a woman in a tight t-shirt and mini-skirt talking on her cell. One stares slack-jawed, then says to his buddies: Wow! That was the new Motorola.
--79th Street between Columbus & Amsterdam
Guy: As soon as I get my unemployment check, I'm going to buy a new TV.
--Penn Station
Woman on cell: I lost my sunglasses and I have cancer.
--34th & Madison
Overheard by: Lisa
Boy, 8: Look Mom! I think Daddy likes the Hummer more than you.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Adam Kraemer
Guy on pay phone: I haven't decided if I prefer the smell of fresh urine or stale urine. I'll let you know.
--Hotel Edison, West 47th Street
Guy: I told you what my goal is: to be lazy. 20 years from now, I want to be lazy.
--St. Mark's Place between 2nd & 3rd
Wednesday One-liners are Open for Business
Girl on cell: Do you think any galleries will be open on Sunday?
--21st & Broadway
Woman: He didn't come here to be Korean; he moved here to be a hipster. Then he realized he could open a store, and he turned Korean.
--2nd Avenue & 6th Street
Private School girl: So is, like, everything in this place by Chanel?
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Man: What do you mean, you ran out of keys? How does a hotel run out of keys?
--The Hotel on Rivington
Overheard by: Joe Quint
Queer: Well I figured I make $7 an hour at Journey's working full time. So if I cut back to part time and get a second job making $7 an hour, I'll be making $14 an hour and I can pay all my bills!
--Nederlander Theater, West 41st Street
Overheard by: Nomi Malone
You're Thinking of Her Writing
Blonde: I hate Anne Rice.
Brunette: Me too! Isn't she dead?
Blonde: Oh God, no! Remember, she's writing that Jesus novel?
Brunette: Oh right. For some reason I always think she's dead.
--The Strand
Overheard by: Sexy Beast
"...he put it in my holster 9 months before you were born."
Mother: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Daughter: A cop.
Mother A cop? You don't want to be no cop, what do you want to be a cop for?
Daughter: So I can carry a gun.
Mother: You don't need to be a cop to have a gun. Your dad ain't no cop and he has a gun.
--F train
Overheard by: Paul Swenson
Get the One That Folds Into a Suitcase
Woman: He's not getting a new cell phone until the technology improves.
Man: Oh yeah, well I'm not commuting to work anymore until I get my flying car!
--Public Theater, Lafayette Street
Overheard by: Sean McArdle
Her Style Was More That of a Gelfling, Anyway
Queer #1: That was a guest conductor, right? The short one.
Queer #2: You mean the hobbit?
Queer #1: Oh, I didn't look at her feet.
Queer #2: Honey, it was a metaphor.
--NY City Ballet, Lincoln Center
Somewhere Between Swiping and Wiping
Man #1: Are you in line for the bus?
Man #2: The bus? No, I'm in line for the bathroom.
Man #1: Well, I'm waiting for the bus.
--Starbucks, 43rd & 3rd
Overheard by: Michelle
New York City Subway Stories
Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D...B...Q...Penn Station...D--
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.
--F train
Overheard by: Cole Couture
Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.
--1 train
Overheard by: Hayley
Man: This won't do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.
At the next stop most of the car clears out.
Man: That's what I'm talking about.
--A train
A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.
Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!
--C train
Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor's booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?
--A train
I Guess Water is for Pussies
Woman: I stopped smoking six months ago, and now I'm lubricating so much better. I'm always wet at the right time.
--Lexington & 55th Deli
Guy: Is it raining?
Girl: No.
Guy: Then why the fuck am I getting wet?
Girl: Because it's drizzling.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
Guy #1: She says she usually needs to make out for like a half hour before she starts to get wet.
Guy #2: You should just use your spit.
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: J.
Nothing's As Manly As a Soft Drink
Guy #1: Yo, I don't even believe in water, alls I drink is Pepsi.
Guy #2: Yep yep, water's for pussies.
--47th & 9th
Depends on If She Was Coughing Up Blood
Girl #1: Stop coughing! Who the fuck do you think you are?
Girl #2: John Lennon.
Girl #1: No. You're not.
--6th Avenue & 11th Street
Hey New York: What Did You Think of the Parade?
Hipster: ...yeah, I really don't know...I mean, you see one drag queen on some kinda float, you seen 'em all.
--Le Monde, 112th & Broadway
Guy #1: So yeah, I saw that nigga out in the Village. That man is wilding, bro.
Guy #2: Word?
Guy #1: Yeah, dat nigga is out there rapping fags. He be like in a alley, and he be like, "yo commere", then he fucks 'em, bro.
Guy #2: Ha, ha. Yo, dat's fucked up man, that nigga always was crazy.
--M14 bus
Girl: I totally thought I was going to see my gym teacher here.
--7th Avenue & Greenwich
Overheard by: Lukas
Sounds Like a Soggy Biscuit Was Involved
Guy #1: Yeah, I really like her but she's already got three kids.
Guy #2: With how many guys?
Guy #1: I don't know, three or four.
--1 train
Overheard by: crumbr
My Anti-Drug? Bad Conversation
Guy #1: Hey man, how you been?
Guy #2: Good, man.
Guy #1: What you been up to?
Guy #2: ...Sorry man, just spaced out.
Guy #1: That's cool, I am coked out of my mind right now anyway.
--Cobble Hill
My Dandruff Became Made of Frosting
Hipster with bike: I swear dude, an entire dumpster, full of unopened boxes of Pop-Tarts.
Hipster without bike: Dude.
Hipster with bike: I swear man, I lived on them for the entire summer!
--10th Street between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: ann
I Wonder Why Billy Started Stuttering
Private School boy: Mummy, will you sing the song?!
Mummy: When I see a hearse go by, then I know the next to die...
--Astoria
So George Bush is a Body of Water Now?
Lady: What's that lake that separates the North and the South?
Man: What lake?
Lady: You know, that big lake?
Man: I thought it was a river.
--B train
Overheard by: cee
Or, As Some Call Them, "Children"
Guy #1: It is so over, but he doesn't know it yet.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah. Too much wifey drama.
--The Roxy, W. 18th Street
Overheard by: Carlynn Houghton
Depends on What Kind of Freaky She Feels Like
Girl #1: These are my fat ass pants.
Girl #2: Oh...so are they supposed to make your ass look fat or thin?
--58th & 5th
Watch The Urban Explorers This Week at 5PM
Drunk guy: Gosh, that is the biggest slug I have ever seen in my life!
Sober girl: Everything always has to be the Discovery Channel with you, Eric!
--Bayside LIRR platform
Overheard by: kate garaufis
Respect a Man When You're in His Quasi-home
Hobo: Help me! I have 9 starving kids at home!
Suit: Yesterday you had 12 starving kids, what happened?
Hobo: That's right and the 2 of them died in a horrible fire yesterday! Please help me!
Suit: What happened to the 12th?
Hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, you're fucking up my rap!
--57th Street station
Also Doesn't Know: Scotch Tape, Sharpie...
Guy: Do you carry Frisbees?
Duane Reade lady: What's a Frisbee?
--Duane Reade, 89th and Columbus
Overheard by: Ethan Aronoff
Don't Forget the Ironic Lawn Jockeys!
Black guy #1: I don't want a fucking lawn.
Black guy #2: But that's the American dream.
Black guy #1: I swear, you have become such a bitch since you moved to Georgia.
Black guy #3: Yeah, that nigga's got a screen door.
--West 4th between Sullivan & MacDougal
Complete with the "Experimenting"
Cop: All right guy, you have two options--
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Toon
I'm Sure Someone At Pride Could Help You
A Kosher Deli has a neon sign in the shape of a sky-line.
Guy: What's with all the phalluses?
Girl: That's Jeruselum. They're church towers or something.
Guy: Oh...is "phalluses" the right way to make that plural?
--Broadway & 32nd
Lost in Transcription
Girl: Are you mad at me?
Guy: No.
Girl: Are you being sarcastic?
Guy: No.
Girl: Now are you being sarcastic?
Guy: No.
Girl: Now are you being sarcastic?
Guy: Well yeah, now.
--B45 bus
Overheard by: Gradie Smith