June 2005 Archives

He's Just Not That Into Your Calendar

Girl #1: So he told me that no matter what happens on June 31st, he will come to my house and we'll discuss our wedding.
Girl #2: I wish my boyfriend would be there for me.
Girl #1: It sounds nice, doesn't it? Except there is no 31st of June.

--Washington Square Park


Overheard by
: Ting



Catholic schoolgirl
: I am so mature! I'm gonna be 16 soon. That means I can drive.

Boyfriend: That's awesome.
Catholic schoolgirl: How many months is that in?
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Catholic schoolgirl: Let's see...June, July, August, September, November...December? No, that's not right...January, February, April, May...

--N train


Overheard by
: Olga Kogan


Posted 2005-06-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Maybe She Wasn't Standing When Her Water Broke

Chick #1: What's the deal with Mimi, anyway? She's been pregnant for a while.
Chick #2: I know. I'm beginning to think she's just fat.

--Mimi Maternity, 87th & Broadway


Overheard by
: Djlindee


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Hey "Mom": It Can't Drown if There's No Water

Girl #1: When I'm older and I'm pregnant, I hope I'm standing when my water breaks cause I don't want the baby to come down and, like, drown.
Girl #2: My Mom went down in a gutter with me.

--B44 bus


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Not One As Widespread as Idiocy

Girl #1: They named their kid Lotus?
Girl #2: That's kind of cool.
Girl #1: How?
Girl #2: Well, it's got good connotations, you know? I mean, you'd never meet a bitch named Lotus.
Girl #1: Yeah, but...weren't they, like, a plague?

--John Fluevog, Mulberry Street


Overheard by
: Courtney


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Overheard on the Radio

The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).

As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.

--Centre Street office


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It's Hungry for a Baby

College boy #1: Did you see the camel toe on her? It was like her vagina was hungry or something.
College boy #2: Yeah, she had a ravenous vagina.

--Brooklyn College


Overheard by
: Brooklyn Julie


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No, That's Alcoholautism

Arty girl: You know what Asperger's is, right?
Arty guy: No.
Arty girl: It's that type of Autism where people are obsessed with trains.
Arty guy: Oh! So is that what all the subway conductors have?

--F train


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I Think I'm Going to Be Sick

Girl #1: She looks so good now, though!
Girl #2: Yeah, well, if she would keep a meal down once in a while she might not...

--9th Avenue & Little West 12th Street


Overheard by
: Wyatt Neumann



Girl #1
: They were all wondering why I wasn't eating, and they kept asking me to eat something, so I just finally had a sandwich to shut them up. So when I went back to the hotel, I threw up.

Girl #2: I totally understand, I would have done the same thing.

--NYSC locker room, 23rd & Park


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We Love It When Our Friends Become Successful

For those of you into voyeurism and candor, the website Double Agent is based on the premise of "women spying on women for men." We asked the guys over there for some recommendations of their work, and these fly-on-the-wall video clips are what they came up with: 1, 2, 3, 4. Enjoy!


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Don't Give a Guy Ideas

Girl: You don't like hot dogs?
Guy: Only at baseball games.
Girl: Well, we could go downstairs and, like, throw a bat around.

--59th Street office


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Forget Get That Tool; She's Not Loose

Guy: Are you a robot?
Chick: What?
Guy: Are you a robot? Because I think you need some repairs.
Chick: No, I'm not.
Guy: Are you sure? Because I got a screwdriver in my back seat.

--Broadway between Spring & Broome


Overheard by
: Jessica Jaglois


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Just Wait Until He Hits Satellite...

Mom: I don't know where you learned a word like that! Where would you hear that? That's a bad name. We don't call people that. I just don't understand where you would have picked that up. Maybe from Howard Stern.

--2 train


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Wednesday One-liners Need Relationship Counseling

Black guy: I ain't saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch.

--82nd & 2nd


Overheard by
: Rick Segall



Fratboy
: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now.


--111th & Broadway


Overheard by
: Djlindee



Shoplady on phone
: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me...I mean, she's ugly but it's good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex.


--Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark's Place


Overheard by
: Sarah C



Jamaican lady
: We don't fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love.


--Washington Heights


Guy on cell
: You had sex with my sister!...Well was she any good?...Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick?


--Times Square


Guy
: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go...I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I'd have a date for Saturday.


--Union Squre theatre


Suit
: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn't work out.


--Wall Street


Overheard by
: Black Red Yellow NYC


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Wednesday One-liners Love Their Sports

Guy: I was never any good at sports...I've watched the Superbowl a few times.

--Flatiron office


Lady on phone
: Yeah, they have seat fillers at the Oscars and other award shows, you didn't know that? It's so when they pan over the audience it doesn't look like a Mets game.


--40th Street office


Overheard by
: Clay Caviness



Guy
: I'm not going to be the only guy at the hockey party holding an apple turnover.


--Broadway & Prince


Overheard by
: Christopher Miner


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Wednesday One-liners Ain't Talking Without a Lawyer

Guy: Just because I got a felony doesn't mean I'm going to jail.

--outside Kew Gardens Criminal Courthouse


Overheard by
: Scott Bee



Man walking down the street with a wooden square around his neck says
: I'm an innocent man! I've been framed, I'm tellin' ya!


--Carmine & Bleecker


Black guy
: Yo, do y'all got $6? Whoa, whoa, listen, I'm Black but I'm no criminal!


--Penn Station


Overheard by
: Erica Gridelli


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Wednesday One-liners Have Questions About NY

Tourist guy: We're staying down on Two Avenue. Now do they say Two Avenue or Second Avenue here?

--Columbus Circle


Overheard by
: Chess



Tourist woman
: We're in Manhattan, right?


--Times Square


Tourist girl
: Can't we like, just call a cab? You know, like, "Hi, we need a cab, pick us up here?"


--42nd between Broadway & 6th


Overheard by
: Heather Hunter



Tourist guy
: Do they just breed dogs smaller here, or what?


--Broadway & Astor


Overheard by
: jillypickle


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Those Jews and Their Wednesday One-liners

Asian guy: Are there really this many Israelis in New York?

--61st & 5th


Overheard by
: Adam Shprintzen



Tourist girl
: What's a knish? I don't know about these flavors. Can I get a plain one?


--Yonah Schimmel's Knishery, Houston Street


White girl
: There's really no difference between gay guys and Jewish guys...Just the hat and a little ass-fucking, but other than that they're pretty much the same.


--184th & Bennett


Girl
: I don't know if it's an ego thing or what, but Jews really turn me on!


--French Roast Cafe, West 11th Street


Overheard by
: Dottie McFarland


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Wednesday One-liners Are Ready to Order

Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don't speak English so they didn't understand what you wanted.

--ESPNZone, Times Square


Overheard by
: Rachel W



Spanish girl
: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn't swollen at all. They was tellin' me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin' rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone.


--M train


A hobo walks up to the people outside and says
: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere.


--Indochine, Lafayette Street


Drunk guy
: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, "What's the problem?".


--47th & 9th


Overheard by
: JH



Woman
: Can you please make sure it's a boy lobster? I'm only into boys, and don't want to eat a girl.


--Austin ale house, Kew Gardens


Overheard by
: tom



Pudgy guy on cell
: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don't pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.


--Williamsburg


Overheard by
: Alita


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Wednesday One-liners in: The Dangers of Cell Phones

Woman on cell: Hi honey...yes, I'm fine...I can hear you...stop saying hello to me. I goddammn hate it when you say hello.

--42nd & Madison


Hobo
: Hey, miss! Yeah, you! Talkin' on your cell! Don't walk away from me! I see you listenin' to me! Hell, I can hear you listenin' to me!


--43rd & 8th


Woman on cell
: Guess where I am....guess where I am!...Hello? Hello? Shit!


--La Baguette, University Place


Overheard by
: Matty K


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Wednesday One-liners Have to Get an Intervention

Woman: Oh! I got you some Xanax for your wedding day.

--14th & 9th


Guy
: I don't call myself an alcoholic any more. I find it really hard to separate out my shit like that.


--Washington Square South


Woman
: I think I'm just going to stay in and have a heroin night.


--11th & University


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Wednesday One-liners Have Their Priorities Straight

Three JHS boys pass a woman in a tight t-shirt and mini-skirt talking on her cell. One stares slack-jawed, then says to his buddies: Wow! That was the new Motorola.

--79th Street between Columbus & Amsterdam


Guy
: As soon as I get my unemployment check, I'm going to buy a new TV.


--Penn Station


Woman on cell
: I lost my sunglasses and I have cancer.


--34th & Madison


Overheard by
: Lisa



Boy, 8
: Look Mom! I think Daddy likes the Hummer more than you.


--Astoria


Overheard by
: Adam Kraemer



Guy on pay phone
: I haven't decided if I prefer the smell of fresh urine or stale urine. I'll let you know.


--Hotel Edison, West 47th Street


Guy
: I told you what my goal is: to be lazy. 20 years from now, I want to be lazy.


--St. Mark's Place between 2nd & 3rd


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Wednesday One-liners are Open for Business

Girl on cell: Do you think any galleries will be open on Sunday?

--21st & Broadway


Woman
: He didn't come here to be Korean; he moved here to be a hipster. Then he realized he could open a store, and he turned Korean.


--2nd Avenue & 6th Street


Private School girl
: So is, like, everything in this place by Chanel?


--Metropolitan Museum of Art


Man
: What do you mean, you ran out of keys? How does a hotel run out of keys?


--The Hotel on Rivington


Overheard by
: Joe Quint



Queer
: Well I figured I make $7 an hour at Journey's working full time. So if I cut back to part time and get a second job making $7 an hour, I'll be making $14 an hour and I can pay all my bills!


--Nederlander Theater, West 41st Street


Overheard by
: Nomi Malone


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You're Thinking of Her Writing

Blonde: I hate Anne Rice.
Brunette: Me too! Isn't she dead?
Blonde: Oh God, no! Remember, she's writing that Jesus novel?
Brunette: Oh right. For some reason I always think she's dead.

--The Strand


Overheard by
: Sexy Beast


Posted 2005-06-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"...he put it in my holster 9 months before you were born."

Mother: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Daughter: A cop.
Mother A cop? You don't want to be no cop, what do you want to be a cop for?
Daughter
: So I can carry a gun.

Mother: You don't need to be a cop to have a gun. Your dad ain't no cop and he has a gun.

--F train


Overheard by
: Paul Swenson


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Get the One That Folds Into a Suitcase

Woman: He's not getting a new cell phone until the technology improves.
Man: Oh yeah, well I'm not commuting to work anymore until I get my flying car!

--Public Theater, Lafayette Street


Overheard by
: Sean McArdle


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Her Style Was More That of a Gelfling, Anyway

Queer #1: That was a guest conductor, right? The short one.
Queer #2: You mean the hobbit?
Queer #1: Oh, I didn't look at her feet.
Queer #2: Honey, it was a metaphor.

--NY City Ballet, Lincoln Center


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Somewhere Between Swiping and Wiping

Man #1: Are you in line for the bus?
Man #2: The bus? No, I'm in line for the bathroom.
Man #1: Well, I'm waiting for the bus.

--Starbucks, 43rd & 3rd


Overheard by
: Michelle


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New York City Subway Stories

Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D...B...Q...Penn Station...D--
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.

--F train


Overheard by
: Cole Couture



Hipster
: Did the train just pass 28th street?

Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.

--1 train


Overheard by
: Hayley



Man
: This won't do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.


At the next stop most of the car clears out.

Man: That's what I'm talking about.

--A train


A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.

Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!

--C train


Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor's booth and asked
: Is that the bathroom?


--A train


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I Guess Water is for Pussies

Woman: I stopped smoking six months ago, and now I'm lubricating so much better. I'm always wet at the right time.

--Lexington & 55th Deli


Guy
: Is it raining?

Girl: No.
Guy: Then why the fuck am I getting wet?
Girl: Because it's drizzling.

--Coney Island


Overheard by
: Gradie Smith



Guy #1
: She says she usually needs to make out for like a half hour before she starts to get wet.

Guy #2: You should just use your spit.

--2nd Avenue station


Overheard by
: J.


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Nothing's As Manly As a Soft Drink

Guy #1: Yo, I don't even believe in water, alls I drink is Pepsi.
Guy #2: Yep yep, water's for pussies.

--47th & 9th


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Depends on If She Was Coughing Up Blood

Girl #1: Stop coughing! Who the fuck do you think you are?
Girl #2: John Lennon.
Girl #1: No. You're not.

--6th Avenue & 11th Street


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Hey New York: What Did You Think of the Parade?

Hipster: ...yeah, I really don't know...I mean, you see one drag queen on some kinda float, you seen 'em all.

--Le Monde, 112th & Broadway


Guy #1
: So yeah, I saw that nigga out in the Village. That man is wilding, bro.

Guy #2: Word?
Guy #1: Yeah, dat nigga is out there rapping fags. He be like in a alley, and he be like, "yo commere", then he fucks 'em, bro.
Guy #2: Ha, ha. Yo, dat's fucked up man, that nigga always was crazy.

--M14 bus


Girl
: I totally thought I was going to see my gym teacher here.


--7th Avenue & Greenwich


Overheard by
: Lukas


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Sounds Like a Soggy Biscuit Was Involved

Guy #1: Yeah, I really like her but she's already got three kids.
Guy #2: With how many guys?
Guy #1: I don't know, three or four.

--1 train


Overheard by
: crumbr


Posted 2005-06-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Anti-Drug? Bad Conversation

Guy #1: Hey man, how you been?
Guy #2: Good, man.
Guy #1: What you been up to?
Guy #2: ...Sorry man, just spaced out.
Guy #1: That's cool, I am coked out of my mind right now anyway.

--Cobble Hill


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My Dandruff Became Made of Frosting

Hipster with bike: I swear dude, an entire dumpster, full of unopened boxes of Pop-Tarts.
Hipster without bike: Dude.
Hipster with bike: I swear man, I lived on them for the entire summer!

--10th Street between 2nd & 3rd


Overheard by
: ann


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I Wonder Why Billy Started Stuttering

Private School boy: Mummy, will you sing the song?!
Mummy: When I see a hearse go by, then I know the next to die...

--Astoria


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So George Bush is a Body of Water Now?

Lady: What's that lake that separates the North and the South?
Man: What lake?
Lady: You know, that big lake?
Man: I thought it was a river.

--B train


Overheard by
: cee


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Or, As Some Call Them, "Children"

Guy #1: It is so over, but he doesn't know it yet.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah. Too much wifey drama.

--The Roxy, W. 18th Street


Overheard by
: Carlynn Houghton


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Depends on What Kind of Freaky She Feels Like

Girl #1: These are my fat ass pants.
Girl #2: Oh...so are they supposed to make your ass look fat or thin?

--58th & 5th


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Watch The Urban Explorers This Week at 5PM

Drunk guy: Gosh, that is the biggest slug I have ever seen in my life!
Sober girl: Everything always has to be the Discovery Channel with you, Eric!

--Bayside LIRR platform


Overheard by
: kate garaufis


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Respect a Man When You're in His Quasi-home

Hobo: Help me! I have 9 starving kids at home!
Suit: Yesterday you had 12 starving kids, what happened?
Hobo: That's right and the 2 of them died in a horrible fire yesterday! Please help me!
Suit: What happened to the 12th?
Hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, you're fucking up my rap!

--57th Street station


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Also Doesn't Know: Scotch Tape, Sharpie...

Guy: Do you carry Frisbees?
Duane Reade lady: What's a Frisbee?

--Duane Reade, 89th and Columbus


Overheard by
: Ethan Aronoff


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Don't Forget the Ironic Lawn Jockeys!

Black guy #1: I don't want a fucking lawn.
Black guy #2: But that's the American dream.
Black guy #1: I swear, you have become such a bitch since you moved to Georgia.
Black guy #3: Yeah, that nigga's got a screen door.

--West 4th between Sullivan & MacDougal


Posted 2005-06-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Complete with the "Experimenting"

Cop: All right guy, you have two options--
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.

--Times Square


Overheard by
: Toon


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I'm Sure Someone At Pride Could Help You

A Kosher Deli has a neon sign in the shape of a sky-line.

Guy: What's with all the phalluses?
Girl: That's Jeruselum. They're church towers or something.
Guy: Oh...is "phalluses" the right way to make that plural?

--Broadway & 32nd


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Lost in Transcription

Girl: Are you mad at me?
Guy: No.
Girl: Are you being sarcastic?
Guy: No.
Girl: Now are you being sarcastic?
Guy: No.
Girl: Now are you being sarcastic?
Guy: Well yeah, now.

--B45 bus


Overheard by
: Gradie Smith


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We've Clearly Won the Education Battle

Guy on cell: Holy shit, she's too fucking old to get AIDS. The virus would be like "Ew, fuck that, she's old."

--F train


Overheard by
: Glynnis



A blocked sewer grate causes a nasty-looking puddle. A Black guy steps over it and says
: This shit's disgusting. This is how we all get AIDS.


--23rd & Park


Overheard by
: Erica


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Happy Sodom & Gomorrah Day, New York!

Lesbian #1: Huh. There seems to be a disproportionate number of queers around here.
Lesbian #2: Darling, we're on Christopher Street.

--Christopher Street


Boy
: Mom, I want gadgets!

Mother: No, Trevor. Not those gadgets.

--Christopher Street


Thug #1
: Why would I pay $170 for new Jordans, when I can pay $250 for a pair of Pradas?

Thug #2: I hear dat.
Thug #1: Plus I'm sure to get more ass in Pradas.

--JFK Airtrain


Overheard by
: les koh



Latin guy
: What are you staring at?

White guy: I can't get over how beautiful the bartender is. Look at her, she looks like a movie star.
Latin guy: That's a guy.
White guy: I know.

--The Stonewall, Christopher Street


Chick on cell
: Yo, I'm going to that gay parade, those people are doin' it. Those boys be makin' each other cum.


--Target, Atlantic Avenue


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"In Calls or Out?"

Guy #1: So what do you do?
Guy #2: I'm a therapist.
Guy #1: Wow. Master's or PhD?
Guy #2: Massage.

--22nd & 8th


Overheard by
: Ben Wade


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Billion to One Odds Says God Doesn't Agree

Old lady: Your dog is beautiful!
Young lady: Than--
Old lady: It's terrible what they do to those dogs in China. I won't even say but it's awful...Chinese people don't even deserve to live.

--Sunnyside post office


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Because the Temptations Are Too Great

A buppie is parking his BMW, blasting a '50s rock 'n roll tune out the window.

Thug: Why a nigga wanna be listenin' to that shit?

--Brooklyn Heights


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And That's One to Grow On

Guy on cell: Seriously [Bryan] the shit won't go away! The fucking rash is still there....yes, I put that cream on my dick but shit, it's still there!...Oh, I have to put the cream on more than once? You never mentioned that.
Woman: Sweetie, everyone knows you have to put cream on more than once, no matter where you put it.

--Penn Station


Overheard by
: Ali


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Not Everyone Can Be So Lucky As to Be Homeless

Hobo: Hey, man! Don't ever sit on the curb. It's bad luck, man. I've been on the street for 25 years. 25 years! And I have never sat on the curb. You should never sit on the curb. Take it from me, I've been on the streets for 25 years. It's bad luck.

--7th & A


Overheard by
: Devin Sinski


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Tovarish, I Suggest You Go Do Just That

Russian guy on cell: Who wouldn't want to fuck me? I'm tall, handsome, talkative, and intelligent. Hell I want to fuck myself.

--68th & 1st


Overheard by
: laura holden


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Now That's Just Plain Racist

Professor: What is significant about the character's reaction?
Chick: Well, you can tell he's scared because he's really pale.
Professor: ...what do you mean, he's pale? It's a black and white film, they're all pale.

--New School film class


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Guess? Lonely Man Mails Self Open Parcel

Guy: Why is that package open?
Clerk: I can't open it.
Guy: It's already opened, why is it open?
Clerk: Sir, I'm not allowed to open it. If you want it, sign the card.
Guy: I want to know why it's open, is anything in it?
Clerk: I can't open it.

3 minutes of this ensue.

Guy: Just give me the stupid package.
Clerk: Why are you still talking?

--Sunnyside post office


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Taste Nasty, Even With a Chaser

Man on cell: Dave? Hi, it's Vince...fine, and you? Great. Listen, Dave, my boss was really interested in your video work, and he'd love to see more...yes, right. He's going to want you to come in for an interview. But I have to ask you a question, okay? How do you feel about cum shots?

--Broadway & 52nd


Overheard by
: Meg Kane


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Nothing Beats Soft Blow from a White Brooklyn Chick

White guy: Did I tell you I met a White chick?
Girl: No...do you like her?
White guy: She's cool. She's from Brooklyn, so that softens the blow.

--Times Square


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Yeah, It's Weird That Old People Know How to Use a Phone

Brooklyn girl #1: So I was in this restaurant and some guy asks the owner who I am and gets my phone number and calls me. That's weird.
Brooklyn girl #2: That's not weird, that's cute.
Brooklyn girl #1: Yeah, but he was like 30.
Brooklyn girl #2: Ew, that's weird.

--D train


Overheard by
: Jen



Old man
: Why do I have to download ringtones when it never rings anyway?


--Worldwide Plaza, 49th & 8th


Overheard by
: mark manne


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Someone Set Up a Livejournal Feed for Us

To subscribe, click here.


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

So is He If He Doesn't Cool It

There is this guy scratching his balls, going deep. A little girl is around him, and two ladies are about to walk by. After observing the ball scratching and the little girl, one lady says: She is going to be scarred for life.

--Park Slope


Overheard by
: Tamika J.


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Jesus Also Went by "Spike", But He Had a Reason

Lab coat guy: So, her son's name is Spike? Who names their kid Spike?
Blue shirt guy: No. His real name is something stupid like Leonard.

--Washington Mutual, 71st & 1st


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Wouldn't Have Sex with a Rock for Any Price

Punk chick: Yeah, so my boss totally has this $20,000 rock in his yard.
Hipster chick: No way, like a diamond?
Punk chick: No, like a fucking rock.

--6 train


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Not Feigning If You Cop to It!

Guy #1: Whatever, you could feign interest in this conversation.
Guy #2: I am.

--Broadway & 44th


Overheard by
: Matt Kuzelka


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Somewhere, A Sardine is Turning Green with Envy

Two tween girls push into a very crowded train, causing a woman to almost lose her footing.

Woman: You can't just push if there's nowhere to go!

The doors start to close.

Tween girl: Obviously I could.

--6 train


Overheard by
: Francesca


Posted 2005-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Not Exactly a Quick Wit There, Mercutio

Charity mugger: Do you have a minute for the environment?
Guy: What?
Charity mugger: Do you have a minute for the environment?
Guy: What?
Charity mugger: We're working to reduce mercury pollution.
Guy: Sorry, I don't like planet Earth english.

--Broadway between Canal & Howard


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That's More "un-F-able"

Guy: ...it's just part of my ineffable charm!
Girl: If "ineffable" means "unfuckable" you're right on the money.

--Madison Square Park


Overheard by
: Manhattman


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If There Were, That Would Be a Great School Trip

Lady: I'm looking for non-leather shoes.
Saleswoman: Why non-leather?
Lady: I'm vegan. I don't wear any animal products.
Saleswoman: Well, they don't kill the cows to get the leather.
Lady: Where do you think they get the leather from? Do you think there's a bunch of skinless cows roaming a farm somewhere?

--Forest Hills shoe store


Overheard by
: MG


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Especially When You're Pulling a Baby Human Through It

Guy: He paid for all that and you didn't even fuck him at the end of the night?
Girl: Nada.
Guy: It must be fantastic having a vagina.
Girl: Sometimes it really is.

--Central Park


Overheard by
: Mark Blaise Fallon


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dakota Fanning Continues Her Downward Spiral

Chick #1: What is up with that dude?
Chick #2: You mean that little girl over there?
Chick #1: Yeah. Oh, OK.

--Tompkins Square Park


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

There is, But It Involves Being Chained in a Dark Cave

Boyfriend: Baby, that was amazing last night.
Girlfriend: I know...
Boyfriend: Really. that was the best head you ever gave me. Easily in the top five.
Girlfriend: Top five ever? Or just from me?
Boyfriend: Um...
Girlfriend: Who was better than me?
Boyfriend: That's a ridiculous question. There's no Platonic ideal of blowjobs.

--2nd Ave. & 5th St.


Overheard by
: Franklin


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Sometimes Foods Have the Oddest Etymologies

Girl #1: What was that called again?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: You know...it's pudding with rice in it?
Girl #2: You mean rice pudding?

--St. Mark's Place


Overheard by
: Gabby



Skater guy
: Fuck, man, this apple juice is damn good.

Skater girl: Apple juice? I always thought that was orange juice.

--31st & 6th


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

But You Get to Meet Whichever Celebrity You Want!

Girl: The guy in this photo has gigantism. It's a condition where you don't stop growing--
Guy: That rocks.
Girl: --but you die really young.
Guy: Oh wait, it doesn't.

--Diane Arbus exhibit, The Met


Overheard by
: Eviltom


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Never Get Your Colostomy Bag Excited

Girl: So, what happens when it gets stimulated, it gets bigger?
Guy: Yeah, it sticks out a litte bit and looks kinda weird...

--10th & University


Overheard by
: Sarah


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, Those Are the Two Options

Chick: So, you're working here now?
Barista guy: Well, had they taught me karate from a young age like they were supposed to I would be fighting shoguns in Japan right now.

--Park Slope coffee shop


Overheard by
: kendell chambers


Posted 2005-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

His Aberrant Sex Practice is Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: Can you imagine having sex with a two year old and a three year old at the same time?

--79th & 5th


Overheard by
: Jackie



College chick
: So, best case scenario she thinks you're a lesbian. Worst case scenario, she thinks you're a child molester.


--M16 bus


Chick
: Oh yeah, 'cause we all know how I like to swap spit. With random people...like the cleaning ladies.


--FIT


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Always Complaining About Wednesday One-liners

Lady: I don't like to parallel park...it messes up my hair.

--61st & Madison


Guy
: Seriously, you are being ridiculous. You need to calm the fuck down. You still have 2 more stops and what are your expectations with that outfit? Let me off.


--L train


Man on cell
: I served lemonade for 6 hours! It wasn't fucking bartending! It sucked!


--61st & 3rd


Chinese chick
: Oh, I don't watch baseball. I just recently found out what a home run is. I used to think they would, like, run home, and I was like, what the fuck is the point of that?


--B6 bus


Man on cell
: Are you a fucking retard or do you just play one in real life?


--Penn Station


Girl
: I don't know why I pay for the internet. The only sites I ever use are Friendster, Craigslist and Overheard In New York and I'll be honest, sometimes they just don't do it for me.


--2 train


Punk chick
: ...hate it when my dirt washes off. It keeps me warm.


--St. Mark's between 1st & A


Chick
: You're not the one who had to teach a fucking dance class from 9 to 5. I had to teach dance from 9 to 5. And I have to do it again tomorrow. I don't wanna fucking dance anymore. I have tendonitis!


--12th & 3rd


Overheard by
: Domi & Rachel


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners are a Special Area

Guy: I got both, bitch! I got a pussy and a dick!

--6th Avenue & 9th Street


Chick
: He was my rag guy! What am I going to do now? I'm gonna dry up. If you stick your ear up to my vagina you're going to hear the fucking desert like it's a seashell.


--43rd & 5th


Overheard by
: James Wilson



Burkha woman
: ...when you remove a man's genitals, it's a sin.


--Port Authority


Guy on cell
: I'm busy. I'm getting my dick sucked right now.


--4 train


Overheard by
: LatiE



Guy
: It wasn't till I started college that I realized they had botched the circumcision. We had all just flopped them out and I was like, "Dude, what is wrong with yours?", and they were like, "No man, it's you, what the fuck happened to you? It looks like the fucking rings of saturn."


--38th & 3rd


Suit
: If you're a dick you can do anything.


--Maiden Lane & Pearl Street


Overheard by
: SKG



Man on cell
: So I was trying to take a pee and she kept talking to me, so then my dick got hard and I couldn't pee.


--25th & 5th


Overheard by
: Ian Wheeler-Nicholson



Lady on cell
: He's a hermaphrodite...he was born that way...his grandparents, thats why. Genetic mutations and stuff.


--50th & Madison


Chick
: But he has a pierced dick! They don't sell that shit in stores!


--SI party


Overheard by
: Rebecca Dash


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Go Off on Rants

Hobo: Oh shit, baboons. They might bite me. I gotta be careful!

--54th & 7th


Crazy lady
: Of course, as you can see, there are Fiddlywumps in there, and that's the number one sign that you should leave the area immediately.


--14th & 7th


Crazy man
: You know how da fish swibbles as it follows da current on da waves? It's a baddacudda outta control. Dat's what happens in ya mind. Ya know, da mind waves?


--42nd & 6th


Wheeltard
: I'm a fucking genius! I'm a fucking genius! Hitler was amazing, everyone hail Hitler!


--7th Avenue & Grove


Hobo
: Man, I'm going to fuckin' Hong Kong. I'm sick of dodging bullets every day.


--110th & Morningside Drive


Overheard by
: Laird



Taxi driver
: There's too many fucking buses in this city! And they all empty! And now you going to go kill all the Arabs for the gas for the empty fucking buses!


--5th Avenue cab


Overheard by
: Megan E.



Crazy guy
: Geraldo Rivera and his army. Is his wife in there? Bring her too.


--Washington Square Park


Overheard by
: KJD



Crackhead
: I can't get married because first they took the land from the Indians and then they tried to take money from the poor and eliminate races!


--40th & Park


Overheard by
: Vanessa


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Run Afoul of the Law

Black guy: It really tore me up to have to beat that nigga with a chair.

--Times Square


Drunk
: Fuck getting arrested! I don't care! But my point is this...


--Washington Square Park


Overheard by
: Todd Seavey



Guy
: See, Francie? See how it's all pink around the nail? That's from jabbing my thumb into that guy.


--48th & 1st


Guy on bike
: ...and she said, "What are you going to do, shoot me?" and that was the last thing she ever said.


--Forest Hills


Old White lady
: Oh no, I didn't get any blood on me, I stayed away from the action. I was the one doing the shooting.


--Aaron Davis Hall, Convent Avenue


Guy on cell
: You're in Florida? You're driving back right? Get me a nine!...I don't give shit where you buy it from, get me a nine milimeter. For real, all those southern states you're driving through, you can get one from somewhere!


--DeMarco's Pizza, Houston Street


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Mother of All Wednesday One-liners

Man: Did anyone else notice my mother's leopard print panties?

--1st Avenue & 10th Street


Girl on cell
: Stop stealing Grandma's condoms, you know she needs them more than you do. Do you want another mother?


--47th & 9th


Mom
: Rules are so hard to keep track of and enforce. So I just don't make any.


--Brooklyn Heights


Mom
: Do you know what mental illness is? It's not fun. You should know.


--F train


Guido on cell
: My grandmother tore him a new asshole! You know what she's like.


--Carroll Gardens


Overheard by
: Vic Payback



Mom
: Can we please watch the expletives? Did you hear what I said? Can we please watch the expletives?...Can you please stop giving me the finger?


--LIRR


Overheard by
: CMichaels



Mom
: Get out of the elevator, I want to look at the Marc Jacobs crap.


--Barney's, Madison Avenue


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Don't Make the Cut

Girl: I'm warning you in advance, way in advance: don't get too drunk tonight, you always end up with someone bad.

--St. Mark's Place


Woman
: ...and now I don't want to even see his feet much less touch them!


--72nd & 3rd


Overheard by
: Nora



JetBlue chick
: You can't be dating him, he looks all dyslexic.


--JFK


Overheard by
: Jessica



Chick on cell
: ...and it's ironic, but the Museum of Sex was like a bad lay: small, and not performing to my expectations.


--111th & Broadway


Overheard by
: Djlindee


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Make the Cut

Woman: This block has the best garbage!

--2nd Avenue & 8th Street


Girl on cell
: We've already got plans again for this weekend. I'm really excited about this guy; he's great. He's really driven, really ready to succeed. He's a doctor...No, not in real life, on TV.


--57th & Lexington


Overheard by
: Heather



White guy
: That wasn't the best day of my life, though. The best day was the day after my birthday when I recoverd my hard drive.


--Astoria party


Overheard by
: Noah Starr



Man on cell
: I like them shoes with the ruffle. The ones you wore to the Olive Garden that one time.


--Broadway & Prince


Girl
: In theory...I was going to end that sentence with, "the dolphins will be OK."


--7 train


Overheard by
: Amado Angel



Lady
: Well, he's an ex-junkie, an alcoholic, mean-tempered, a practicing bisexual, and he has hepatitus C. But he's a wonderful man and, as guys like that go, he does have great taste in jewelry.


--Midtown office


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Announcements

Loudspeaker: Spirit Airlines is paging Islam Mohammed. Islam Mohammed, please report to gate B6 for an ontime departure.

--LaGuardia


Overheard by
: Joe Helfrich



Conductor
: Ladies and gentlemen, in a crowded car like this, remember you only have two hands. If you notice a third hand in your purse or your pocket, I am sure your fellow passengers will help you get rid of the third hand.


--A train


Overheard by
: Miss Babette



Bus driver
: First, next and last stop!


--M104 bus


Overheard by
: Palaverist



Loudspeaker
: OK...The downtown E train is leaving...Close it up, close it up, close it up...downtown E train...close it up...now serving Wade, party of 2...Wade, party of 2.


--E. 51st Street station


Overheard by
: Tim


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Fantasy? Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: Tell everybody to come to New York and play D&D with me.

--Greenpoint


Overheard by
: Francesca



Guy
: So what you're saying is that every event in modern history was

caused by a time-traveling Keanu Reeves?

--Chevy's, Times Square


Overheard by
: Kenny B



Boy on cell
: ...yeah, I know! So then I said, "Bitch, that's what you get for messing with a level 5 dragon master!"


--C train


Overheard by
: Lorelai Greenwood



Fat lady
: You know, I don't think I would make a good vampire...I don't like staying up too late.


--W. 57th Street office


Posted 2005-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Some New Yorkers Aren't in Favor of Appeasement

Guy #1: What the fuck is it, walk slow day?
Woman: Yes, it's walk slow day, I'm from New Yo--
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up. I'm from 106 and Lex. I'll cut you...See, that's how you gotta do it. The second some crabby lady starts, you just say, "shut the fuck up." Escalate immediately.

--Spring & Broadway


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Watch Out! They're About to Explode!

Guy: You see that bum? He wouldn't even look me in the eye. I know him from the Bronx. Evvverybody knows everybody in the Bronx, especially if you do drugs. He's a liar...His daughter did die, but 3 years ago. He got so much money hustlin' on the D train, but now they all know it's bullshit, so he came all the way to Queens....what, he gotta bury his daughter every year? He gonna ask for money when the girl died 20 yrs ago?...And if you don't got money for a burial, the city gives it to you. He fulla shit.

--7 train


Overheard by
: MR



Standing in line is a guy with a massive 12-roll pack of toilet paper. His buddy comes up to join him and says
: I always knew you were full of shit.


--Rite Aid, Irving Place


Overheard by
: Vera Farrelly


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Oddly, $3 Buys a Bacon Cheeseburger

Guy: I'm like Jewish, but I'm not. I look Jewish.
Girl #1: Yeah, this one time we were at a diner and he was like, "What can I get for $3?"
Girl #2: So, that's why you assumed...
Girl #1: Yeah, he's so Jewish.

--1 train


Overheard by
: Alix


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Jingle Those Keys and You'll Attract Some Bitch

Black guy #1: Ya know the only way to get a girl these days is to have a hot car.
Black guy #2: Yeah.
Black guy #1: I could get the keys, but not the car.

--N train


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That Depends on the Industry

Boy: You need to get a boyfriend.
Girl: I know boys.
Boy: No, you don't.
Girl: I hang out with my gay peeps.
Boy: Gay peeps aren't gonna get you far in life.

--Penn Station


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now With Even More Varieties of Fried Sweetened Lard

Girl: Why are you in a Dunkin' Donuts t-shirt from Key West?
Guy: It was the best thing in Key West.
Girl: The Dunkin' Donuts?
Guy: Yeah.

--Freeze Peach Cafe, Astoria


Overheard by
: Greg


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Can't Believe I Used to Waste Money on This Shit

Dork: I saw in the comic that Lex Luthor was President or something like that?
Store guy: Uh huh.
Dork: But now he's not President in the story in Justice League Unlimited.
Store guy: Right. They're catching up to that storyline now.
Dork: And they took Supergirl's DNA and made a clone? And gave her Power Girl's costume?

--Midtown Comics, Lexington Avenue


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Even Closer, M-O-M-G-O-L-O-I-D

Mom: "Cucumber".
Boy: C-u-c-u-m-b-e-r.
Mom: Very good. Ah, ah, "barbershop".
Boy: B-a-r-b-e-r-s--
Mom: No, no.
Boy: B-e-r--
Mom: No, you were right, b-a-r--
Boy: B-a-r-b-e--
Mom: It's like a lady's name, cause it's a hair place.
Boy: B-a-r-b-a-r-a-s-h-o-p?
Mom: Close, it's b-a-r-b-r-a-s-h-o-p.

--1 train


Overheard by
: Daniel Drucker


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"...then what should I do with a carful of bitches?"

Middle-aged man: I have two refills on my Cialis prescription. I want my refill.
Pharmacist guy: OK, let me look it up...You can't get a refill. You just got one. It's too soon.
Middle-aged man: Dang.

--Duane Reade, Park Slope


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Waitress Served Her, and Then Served Her Food

Waitress: Do you want the pierogies boiled or fried?
Lady: What's the difference?
Waitress: One's boiled, one's fried.

--Veselka, 2nd Avenue & 9th Street


Posted 2005-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Crop Dusting: Walking Down the Aisles and Passing Gas

Boy: Does crop dusting exist?
Stewardess: Sure does.
Boy: If it happened to me, I'd have to stop them and say, "Stop crop dusting, farty."

--Chango, Park Avenue South


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

NY v. NJ Explained in One Scene

NJ driver: Hey! Red means Don't Walk!
Girl: It's blinking!
NJ driver: That's the same thing!
Girl: No it's not, dumbass!

--74th & Broadway


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Those Ruben Studdard Tracks Now Seem Horrific

Girl #1: You know, if you think all songs are sung by a penis, they suddenly become funny.
Girl #2: You are high, you know that?

--91st & Amsterdam


Overheard by
: SexyJewThang


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Drop Your Wad at the Place

Dude #1: OK, I've got cash, let's go back to the titty bar.
Dude #2: The only problem is these machines don't give you singles.

--Astoria Citibank ATM


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That Makes Their Interest Rates Quite Reasonable

Girl: Look at the line at FAO Schwartz.
Guy: No honey, it's FAO Schwarz. Schwarz. It's like Schwartz, but without the Jew.

--58th & 5th


Overheard by
: Jonas


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That's When You Lose Your Flower

Little girl: But I want a flower!
Dad: Get married.

--R train


Overheard by
: caelwern


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Drop Those Drawers and You'll See

Hobo: Does anyone have some food? I'm so hungry, please!
Guy: I think I have an apple in my bag.
Hobo: I got no teeth! I got no teeth! I don't want your apple!
Guy: How the hell do you expect to get any food without teeth?

--2/3 train


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He Likes His Porn Pasty and With Horrid Teeth

Man #1: Is this one in English?
Man #2: Why? You can't read.

--Lafayette & Spring magazine stand


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Professor, Heal Thyself

Professor: In 10 years, I want to have just been released from jail. I lived in a 5x5 cell, but I'm really fit 'cause I learned Pilates. I'm also an expert in the tango. I practiced in jail by myself, of course, but once I find a girl to dance with I'll be the best tango dancer in the world. I'll also be able to heal people.

--Gallatin School Building, NYU


Overheard by
: Moonlit


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Cries for Help Always Come Too Late

Woman #1: She's very weird.
Woman #2: You're calling your daughter weird?
Woman #1: She came running into the kitchen this morning with a belt around her neck asking if it would make a good necklace.

--Penn Station


Posted 2005-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Kind of a Chocolate Milk from Hell

Guy: I want to give you a Dirty Sanchez.
Girl: That better be the name of a drink!
Guy: Oh, it is...

--Canal & Broadway


Overheard by
: Mellow_G


Posted 2005-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Excuses for Everyone Else, Yeah

Guy: Which one of you woke up late this morning, you or your momma?
Daughter: Oh, my mom.
Mom: No, I didn't oversleep, I just got caught up doing schoolwork.
Guy: Shoot, do you think Jesus had excuses when he was dying on the cross?

--B67 bus


Posted 2005-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Nothing Comes Between Me and My Revulsion

Hip Hop girl #1: Yeah, they're tight, but they make me look good in a mirror.
Hip Hop girl #2: Uh huh.
Hip Hop girl #1: And I like the camel toe.

--22nd & 6th


Queer
: My pants are so tight they're soundproof!


--Bleecker & West 11th


Overheard by
: Justin


Posted 2005-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Becoming Like the Ganges

Guy #1: Dude, did you hear? Another helicopter crashed into the East River.
Guy #2: Man, that would suck. The East River is just dirty and nasty.
Guy #1: Shit yeah. It's full of floatin' helicopters.

--2 train


Posted 2005-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This is Funny if You Like Vitreous Humor

Guy: I touched your eyeball, doesn't that mean I love you?
Girl: Touch it again!
Guy: No you freak!

--N/W Broadway station


Posted 2005-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Happy Motherfucker Day!

Boy: Mom!...Mom!
Father: Dad. The name is Dad.

--Eli's, 80th & 3rd


Columbia guy
: I don't think I should see Avenue Q on stage. Whenever I see puppets I start throwing up. Just throwing up all over the place. The same thing with porn. When I'm a father I'm just going to show my kids so much porn that they throw up. Then I'll turn them into computer geeks.


--114th & Broadway


Overheard by
: Maxwell Cohen



Woman
: I mean, he got really mad at me after I slept with his father...and it was only one time!


--6 train


Dad on cell
: ...we gotta go out by ourselves...the fuckin' kids, they always want something, it never stops!...Yeah?! Well, what the fuck does the little Princess want now?!


--Duane Reade, 14th & 3rd


Dad on cell
: Hi, Sammy. How was school today?...Uh huh, what did you do in computers?...What do you mean, you had to show three pictures?...And you were able to do it?...You use Macs in school, right?...Yeah, it's an Apple. A Mac is an Apple...You know that's different than the computer you use at home...Yeah, it's a different operating system...Well, I'm glad you were able to do it. Let me talk to Mommy.


--Acela Express train


Papa thug
: Yo, next time someone pushes you like that, you don't push back, you hear?...you kick him in the motherfucking face.


--12th Street between 1st & A


Overheard by
: milo



Her baby daddy
: ...yeah, she'd be about 15 or 16 by now. But her mom was messin' around, too, so...She better not come to me 50 years later sayin "she's yours" cause I don't play that. Plus, I got a little girl of my own, so I'm good.


--A train


Overheard by
: lori dockendorf



Dad
: Walking is just like running, only slower.


--Atlantic Avenue mall


Boy
: I mean, if it weren't for the child support, you'd be good, right?

Father: What?

--60th & 3rd


Overheard by
: Kaitlen



Dad
: Babies have giant heads...and our heads shrink as we get older.


--Museum of Natural History


Posted 2005-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Don't Think This is What Rosa Parks Meant

An Asian woman is talking loudly on her cell phone

Fat Black lady: You need to move to the back of the damn bus. We don't wanna hear that ching-chang ching-chong bullshit!

--Q34 bus


Overheard by
: Lauren


Posted 2005-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Hell is...Other Staten Island People

Woman: Yeah, he was a "client".
Man #1: The Pope?
Woman: Yeah! Lots of times.
Man #2: Oops...no, I'm not saying it...I'm going to hell.
Woman: What? No, now you gotta tell me.
Man #2: Uh, was he good?...you know...with the Parkinson's...sorta like a built-in vibrator. Did he have the Michael J. Fox thing going on? BVVVVT!
Man #1: Oh no!
Woman: Oh my God! You are going to hell.
Man #2: And you're not? You fucked the Pope!

--Tottenville, Staten Island


Posted 2005-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Man Oh Man, I Hope This Doesn't Jinx Ours...

Russian woman: She's doing very well. Her book is doing well. She's already sold a lot of books.
American woman: That's great! That must be so exciting!
Russian woman: Yes, she has already sold ten or twenty, I think.

--Union Square


Overheard by
: Diana


Posted 2005-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Boredom: The Cause or the Consequence?

Girl #1: Shit, yo, I just talk to him, I don't fuck him.
Girl #2: You don't fuck him? You lyin'.
Girl #1: Well, only if I'm bored.

--M57 bus


Overheard by
: pete


Posted 2005-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Something's Not Kosher

Boyfriend: Fucking tourists!
Girlfriend: Seriously!
Boyfriend: Let's go to J&R.
Girlfriend: It's Saturday.
Boyfriend: Fucking Orthodox!

--Century 21, Cortlandt Street


Overheard by
: Joe Baranello


Posted 2005-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No, Because Ricin Clears People Out Like You Wouldn't Believe

Black girl: Oh my God, this train is crowded.
Japanese guy: In Tokyo, the trains are much more crowded than this!
Black girl: Why? 'cause they can fit so many more of you little guys on it?

--6 train


Overheard by
: Carri


Posted 2005-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How Many Sluts Does It Take to Screw In? Just This One

Chick #1: Would it be wrong to have a one-night stand, just so the guy will change my lightbulb?
Chick #2: It's only wrong if he turns out to be too short.

--13th & University


Overheard by
: djlindee


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

First Action Item: Learn to Act Like a Man

Suit #1: I think we need to sit down with Yolanda, Minetta, Julie [...] and tell them, "Look, what happened yesterday can't happen again. We need to learn more about dispatch. It's time we had this meeting."
Suit #2: It's too late for a meeting.
Suit #1: Right, no, that's what I'm saying. We don't need a meeting, we need action.

--N train


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Sure Sounds Like "Yes" to Me...

Tourist guy: Excuse me! Are you a New Yorker?
Woman: No!

--34th & 7th


Man
: Do you want to go into any of these shops?

Woman: Um...
Man: Oh, that's a yes. Whenever a woman responds with anything other than an emphatic "no", it means yes.

--78th & Madison


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You've Come a Long Way, Biotech

Woman #1: You blew that smoke right in my face!
Woman #2: I don't control the wind, bitch!

--46th & Vanderbilt


Overheard by
: whirlygurly


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Burning Sensation She Already Had in Stock

Girl #1: Ugh! He gave me the biggest hickey on one of my tits! Gross!
Girl #2: Well, at least it was a hickey and not a burning sensation when you pee!

--Union Square


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Once We Let the Gentiles In, NYC Goes to Pot

Teen boy: If we get a family plan we can talk for free.
Dad: I don't want to talk to anyone, whether it's free or not.

--78th & Broadway


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

She Got Thrown Out Soon After (For Serious)

Girl: Why are you making fun of people? Someone as fat as you shouldn't be runnin' your mouth to nobody!
Drunk guy: OK, I may be fat but can lose weight. You'll always be a nigger.
Girl: Ooh, so now you're stupid and fat? Look drunk-ass, I'm not Black, I'm Dominican!
Drunk guy: Oh my bad, you're a Spanish-speaking nigger.

--Croxley Ale House, Avenue B


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Children Will Be Named Airport and Telephone

Guy on cell: What's with all these WASPy names for kids all of a sudden? Don't people know that Carter and Porter are just tradesman's names?...Well, Porter is a guy who carries bags, and Carter is a guy who pushes carts...Well, it hardly aspirational, is it?...I mean, I think I'll name my first-born Cobbler just to stay with the trend.

--53rd & 9th


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He Knows the Stroke is Imminent

Chick: Do you want this seat?
Old man: I may be 100 years old, but I'm only going one stop!

--6 train


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's in the Alternate Universe Confederacy

Midwood girl #1: Hey, where is Maryland anyway?
Midwood girl #2: It's in D.C. somewhere.
Midwood girl #1: Oh, right.

--Flatbush bagel shop


Overheard by
: Ford Madox Hueffer


Posted 2005-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...But Not for Much Longer

Chick #1: Do you think I should have another Texas-sized margarita?
Chick #2: I think your eyes are bigger than your liver.

--Dallas BBQ, 166th & Broadway


Overheard by
: djlindee


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Overheard Story Writes Itself

Girl: Mom, are you drunk?
Mom: Uh, maybe.
Girl: You're going to rehab today! Grandma is going to be here any minute.

--55th & 6th


Overheard by
: William Yam



Woman
: This is very Desperate Housewives.

Man: Or Rear Window.

--40th & 9th


Overheard by
: Linda Miller


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They Save the Steamy Stuff for the DVD

Girl #1: Oh my God, I watched American Treasure last night.
Girl #2: What, no good?
Girl #1: Oh my God it was horrible.
Girl #2: The trailer made it look kind of cool.
Girl #1: That's what I thought too. But then you actually watch it and there's nothing about American currency.

--Bar 288, Elizabeth Street


Overheard by
: Margaret


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He Just Wants to Find Out What Tzatziki is Called

Teen girl: Like, I thought he was Jewish but then he ate a gyro so I dumped him.
Teen boy: That's rough. Did he have it with that white sauce?
Teen girl: What difference does that make? Shit, you're dumb.

--F train


Overheard by
: Steph Gold


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What They Use That Money For (2 NYC Short Stories)

Hobo: Can anyone help me get something to eat? Please please someone, please, help me out with something to eat?
Woman: Would you like a slice of pizza?
Hobo: Not now, baby!

--1 train


Overheard by
: Susan Volchok



Hobo
: I need money to get food, and a haircut and an ID.

Guy: You're gonna use it for drugs.
Hobo: No! I hate that. Why do people yell out "drugs"?
Woman: 'cause you look high.

The hobo leaves the car, experiences a moment of l'esprit d'escalier, and returns.

Hobo: Well, hello to you miss.

--D train


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Overheard in the Headlines: That Twice-Rich Lady

Girl: Oh my god, I read today that a woman who won a million dollars in the lottery last year won another million again.
Guy: Yeah, I heard that. That's amazing. She seems really nice and humble about the winnings.
Girl: Yeah, fuck her.

--23rd & 10th gas station


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"...we need to make our baby seem like a bastard."

Lady: Yeah, we're getting married this Saturday.
Businesswoman #1: Oh my gosh! You're getting married? Where's the ring?
Businesswoman #2: I want to see the ring!
Lady: Actually I'm wearing a wedding band because we really got married in January.

--Times Square


Overheard by
: kim n.


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Bats Turn Them Corky

Caribbean guy: Hey, I'm looking for a Jason Ghi-ambi baseball bat.
Store guy: An autographed bat?
Caribbean guy: I'm not paying fifty dollars for no bat.
Store guy: What do you need the bat for?
Caribbean guy: I just really need to bash someone's head in, you know what I'm saying?
Store guy: You don't need a Jason Giambi bat for that. Any of these bats can be used for bashing someone in the head.

--Triangle Sports, Flatbush


Overheard by
: Owen


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Might As Well Go Pro If You're Doing All the Work

Woman: My dad actually said, "I don't want you becoming a hooker. If you need money, ask me."
Man: You know why he said that, right?

--N train


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Griping About the Priest (A NYC Short Story)

Junk shop owner: No coffee?
Lady #1: We'll have coffee tomorrow. Thursday.
Junk shop owner: Coffee at Starbucks is $5. Special coffee. Why don't you go to your house, then your house, and your house?
Lady #2: Why don't we come here?
Junk shop owner: You pick a date. I'll sell you 4 chairs, $5.
Lady #2: What, you sit on them, they break?
Junk shop owner: We don't sell chairs that break. How many people were in church? 10? I hear he's gonna start counting how many people are going. What are they gonna do, close the church? Doesn't anybody have a hook in the Father, know what's going on?
Lady #1: Nobody goes anymore.
Junk shop owner: He has no activities for the people in the neighborhood! No card parties, no bingo...$150 per kid to make communion! Where the hell do you come off making a price like that?
Lady #2: I never heard of that.
Junk shop owner: Well, you heard it now.

--Carroll Gardens


Posted 2005-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Might Have Food Issues

Guy: Nah, I'm trying to get that six pack for summer. I'm not going for the dashboard stomach or anything. Besides, the dashboard on my car isn't looking too good, ya know?

--Godiva, Nassau Street


Overheard by
: J



Woman
: She's not trying anorexia, is she? She's not in that adolescent phase yet, right?


--85th & 5th


Overheard by
: Kaitlen



Girl
: Well, she should tell her doctor...and her waitress.


--Fordham


Overheard by
: Trix



Hobo
: Hey, I'm really hungry. Really hungry, man. I ain't eaten in the past coupla days. That's why I'm losing weight. Except I'm so muscular, so I look healthy, but I'm hungry. And it's hot outside, so I'm losing more weight. And I am muscular.


--F train


Queer
: You know, whenever they show models in movies being obsessive about what they eat and their weight or something, it's always presented like it's this vain and self-indulgent thing, but, I mean, they're models. It's their job. It's like for your job. You needed a Master's Degree, right? Well, they need an eating disorder.


--2 train


Girl
: I think he thought I was calling him fat. I wasn't, though! I was calling him pregnant.


--D train


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Make an Ass of Themselves

Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you've got one fuckable ass.

--Marie's Crisis, Grove Street


Overheard by
: catherine



Hobo
: How you doin'? How you doin'? I'm doin' good. Yeah, you know I'm doin' good, cause I'm lookin' good! And you know why I look good? 'cause I clean mah ass!


--1 train


Overheard by
: Alex Valentine



NYU chick
: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won't be able to.


--Silver Building, Waverly Place


Chick
: I can't believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, "Why don't you fuck me up the ass while you're at it?"


--55th & 3rd


Overheard by
: Rich Mintz



Black guy
: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.


--Canal & Broadway


Overheard by
: Daniel


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Grab Some Dinner

Lady: Geez, what an adventure, huh? I mean, "grande ensalada"? I had no idea what I'd ordered until it came to the table!

--55th & Madison


Overheard by
: Heather



Hobo
: She eats the cole slawwww. She likes the Pepsi, not the Coke!


--Borough Park


Russian lady
: How many times do I have to tell you? Puerto Ricans don't eat tacos.


--Park Slope


Overheard by
: Jonathan



Man
: We have to stop here so I can eat. If we keep walking, I can't eat in the rain.


--23rd & Madison


Woman
: It's spiritual. I only eat yak.


--11th & A


Overheard by
: Lisa D



Girl on cell
: OK, well, get me as many cans of tuna as you can possibly carry.


--Washington Square & East 4th


Senior VP on phone
: No, you can't order Chilean sea bass anymore! They're all bred artificially in ponds. The real ones are going extinct out of sheer deliciousness.


--Madison Avenue office


Woman
: It's too hot today for Indian food. Well unless, you know, you're Indian.


--17th & Park


Overheard by
: Robyn


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Let's Face Wednesday One-liners

Girl: ...and I was crying! Because he told me I was so ugly. But then he said he was just being honest...

--9th Street & 2nd Avenue


Overheard by
: Domi



Guy
: Hey Dave, remember the last time we were here, that security guard came up to you and asked if you needed medical attention because he assumed you got hit in the mouth with a baseball?


--Yankee Stadium


Overheard by
: Michael Bull



Cop
: You couldn't suck hard enough to give her a hickey. All the stubble broke the suction.


--30th & 7th


Teenage boy
: Honestly! Why would anyone put spermicide on their face?


--Bank Street


Overheard by
: Jon Gordon



Mother
: I can't believe you like how Robin's face looks. It doesn't look like she's wearing any makeup! She needs to wear makeup.


--Sephora, 5th Avenue


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Have Some Class

Chick: This is the same boy who used to lick champagne massage oil off of my naked tits, and now he's writing three page long internet odes to Ronald Reagan?

--171st & Broadway


Overheard by
: Djlindee



Girl
: Man if I had money, I'd be a classy bitch!


--Mona's, Avenue B


Overheard by
: Simon Mason



Guy on cell
: I smoke weed, work, go to school, and fuck bitches. That's what I do, man.


--18th between 5th and 6th


Guy
: I got a great e-mail from my friend the other day. It said, "Let's steal something. Call me."


--Old Town Bar, 18th Street


Overheard by
: LMF



Chick
: It's amazing how much more tip you'll get if you let them fondle your nipples for a little.


--Soho party


Suit
: You tell him I don't spend $4 million on a piece of shit! You tell him to shut the fuck up...in a nice way.


--38th & 7th


Overheard by
: Krados



Man on cell
: Fuck you! I have a website you can go to, it's called www.getbitchslappedyoufuckingbitch.com. Or how about www.fuckthisshityoufuckingwhore.net.com?


--54th between 8th & Broadway


Mom
: Come on now, we going outside, you can do it there, OK?...He was gonna pee-pee right here on the step. Fuck that!


--137th Street station


Overheard by
: Amanda Nazario


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Get on the 6

Hipster: I have so many friends in their 20s who are still virgins! Is "virgin" the new pink?

--6 train


Hobo
: Listen up! I'm not here to beg or ask for money. I'm here to tell you that a flashlight like this one could save your life. There are no promises! Be prepared! Always carry a flashlight and water!


--6 train


Girlfriend
: ...and no more talking about economics when you are inside of me...


--6 train


Overheard by
: A


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Read in Union Square

Stoner: We're on the verge of a spiritual revolution. It's like Fight Club...but without the violence.

--Union Square


Overheard by
: braun bowery



Guy
: The fact that bar was full of ugly girls is just ridiculous.


--Union Square


Crazy lady
: Fine, stay where you are, Linda! Stay on the streets, stay in the gutter...but put all your stuff away!


--Union Square


Overheard by
: Jen



Woman
: If I die of malaria, you can have my DVD player.


--Union Square


Lady on cell
: ...so what's the difference between the East Village and the West Village?


--Union Square


Overheard by
: feitclub



Guy on cell
: I didn't throw the lamp at you because I was out of control, I threw the lamp at you because you said I was out of control.


--Union Square


Overheard by
: John



Guy
: Dude! At least you're getting head. Bad head is better than no head, any day of the week!


--Union Square


Overheard by
: Joy Smoker


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Hit Yuppietown

Hipster girl: She asked me, "Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?"

--Williamsburg


Overheard by
: Jeremy Dawson



White girl
: I know, right? If I'm gonna get fucked over, it's gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who's not even good in bed.


--Williamsburg


Woman on cell
: ...is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life?


--Bedford Avenue station


Man
: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me.


--Montrose Avenue station


Overheard by
: K.M.


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Go to the Park

Drunk hobo: Excuse me, sir, do you have Michael Jackson's phone number?

--Central Park


Overheard by
: alec



Girl on cell
: Like, how many miles are in a square mile?


--Central Park


Overheard by
: Glynnis



Guy on cell
: No. You don't understand. These girls are hungry. Tofu is not going to fucking do it.


--Washington Square Park


Overheard by
: Hambone Bootblack



Jogger lady
: Oh, great, it's raining. Thanks a lot, God.


--Central Park


Overheard by
: mj



Man
: That guy's got a chicken. He's gonna burn it! Hey man, don't hurt the animals! He's gonna burn the chicken!


--Tompkins Square Park


Overheard by
: Alex Romanovich


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-liners Know Their Maps

Chick on phone: Where is Argentina?...Is there a beach?

--Madison Avenue office


Tourist guy
: You know, for such a big city, it's funny that New York has no rivers.


--Q train


Overheard by
: Eva D



Navy lady
: So he tried to tell me that this was the Empire State Building, but it's Trump Tower!


--Columbus Circle


Posted 2005-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Alcohol and Arithmetic Are Not Friends

Drunk girl: So, the bill is $80, the tip should be $16, right?...So $80 and $16 is $136...We've got $150 here, that's more than enough, let's take $10 back for the cab...So are we really going to Scores now?

--White Horse Tavern, Hudson Street


Overheard by
: Laura Fenton


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Asked for Lemon, Not Lip

Man: Yo, what are you selling?
Vendor: Gelato.
Man: What's that?
Vendor: Read the sign...Fuck you.

--Washington Square Park


Overheard by
: Chris


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Hunter Has More of a Red Connotation

Crazy lady: Excuse me! Girls, can you adopt a dog or a cat? You know that many animals need homes.
Chick #1: Oh, we'd love to, but we can't have pets.
Chick #2: Yeah, our dorms don't allow animals
Crazy lady: Oh, you're in college?
Chick #1: Yeah.
Crazy lady: At the law school?
Chick #3: No, Hunter.
Crazy lady: I thought that Hunter was for the Blacks.

--23rd & Lexington


Overheard by
: Kaitlyn


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Congrats, You're Not Even as Classy as the SI Ferry

British bitch on cell: I'm surrounded by fucking morons who probably struggled through the NYC school system. We all know New Yorkers are the dumbest. They can't even read. They haven't had a Latin education and they probably can't even speak another language...I didn't want to get a limo to take to the fuckin' ghettos of Brooklyn. I didn't want to take a cab because these uneducated people don't understand directions. I didn't want to spend $30 and not get to the right place...Please make sure my car gets fixed. I've been reduced to the humiliation of taking public transportation. Now the second part of my fucking nightmare begins. I have to take the subway! I'm dressed like a commoner. I didn't want to wear a $5000 Chanel suit on a seat that hasn't been cleaned...She's letting us borrow her castle for our wedding. If they can't afford to be there, they obviously don't deserve to come.

--Staten Island Ferry


Overheard by
: Christine


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Good Thing He's Not Going for the Prince Albert

HS boy #1: So anyway, I told my mom that I'm going to get my eyebrow pierced when I graduate.
HS boy #2: Oh yeah? And what did she say?
HS boy #1: She told me that if I got it pierced, she'd grab me by the eyebrow ring and swing me around the room until my face ripped off.

--5 train


Overheard by
: christina


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If It's in His Ear, That's a Missed Connection

Dude: I really need a second job.
Chick: You should post on craigslist or something.
Dude: Yeah, right. "WILL DO ANYTHING".
Chick: Whoa, no, don't say that. Soon you'll have two cocks in your mouth and one in your ear.

--23rd & 6th


Overheard by
: Peter


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Last of the Floozionaires

Pedicab driver: I lost all my money there.
Tourist lady: Oh, really?
Pedicab driver: Yes. I was rich once. And a genius.

--Times Square


Overheard by
: Fern


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Brother Gets Around

Garage guy: Yo, how much is the subway now?
Dude: Two motherfuckin' dollars.
Garage guy: Fuck that. A gallon of gas is less than that.
Dude: Dumbass, if you had a car, you would know that gas is more than $2.
Garage guy: Well, I don't.
Dude: No shit, dumbass.
Garage guy: My bitch do...ha, ha, ha.

--Park Slope parking garage


Overheard by
: Jim Chambers


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

A Home is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Hobo: 'Scuse me. You wanna give a quarter to the United Negro Pizza Fund?

--44th & 8th


Hobo
: Listen, girls, do you care to donate to the United Negro Pastrami Sandwich Fund?


--Bowery between 3rd & 4th


Hobo
: Would you like to donate to the United Negro Pizza Fund?


--82nd & Amsterdam


Overheard by
: Leigh



Hobo
: Can you offer a contribution to the United Negro I Didn't Go to College Fund?


--60th & Columbus


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Overheard in the Headlines: The Jackson Verdict

White guy on cell: Look, he was tried by a jury of his peers, they were all white, and they let him off.

--Whole Foods, Union Square


Overheard by
: riptorn


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Between Boardwalk and Park Place

Tourist lady #1: Where are we?
Tourist lady #2: Um, duh, we're at Time Square Street.

--N train


Overheard by
: Mikey


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Don't Worry, They're Just Going to Throw Rocks at the Kids

Dad: Do you want to go home and get s-t-o-n-e-d?

--16th & 5th


Overheard by
: braun bowery


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Yet They Won't Have Useless Diplomas

Guy: Yo, did you hear what Bush wants to do? He wants to get rid of financial aid for college.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah...soon we all gon' have to be drug dealers. Seeing crackheads will be normal.

--Washington Heights


Overheard by
: clari


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Almost As If Someone Were Listening...

Woman: Here's something really funny. I was getting on the train, the 6, and the 2 friends I was supposed to meet were sitting there! Out of all the cars in the train. That was weird.
Man: I don't believe in that, in coincidences.
Woman: You don't?
Man: No, I believe that what happens is what was meant to happen.
Woman: Well, I hope "what is meant to happen" isn't wasting its time
with me getting on the train.

--N train


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Also, He Gives Immaculate Head

Queer: who would you rather go out with: Jesus or me?
Girl: Jesus. He can give me eternal life.

--F train


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That's Why She's a Shoo-in for Senate Re-election

Girl #1: She's, like, a total socialist. She's all like, "Capitalism is bad. America is bad." And she's always plotting about how we can get their money. You can't take other people's money. What's wrong with you?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: But as extremists go, she's pretty cool.
Girl #2: Totally.

--L train


Overheard by
: Samuel Bennett


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That, and Posting Things Too Boring to Actually Say

Chick: I think the difference between a blog and a website is that a blog is something you can set up without doing any of that website shit.

--Black Table party, Slainte, The Bowery


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Not His Fault You Got Stretch Marks

Baby stroller #1: So I decided, what the hell, I'm just going to get a dildo.
Baby stroller #2: A what?
Baby stroller #1: A dildo.
Baby stroller #2: Oh. Yeah, totally.

--Prospect Park


Overheard by
: Chris Genoa


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It Took Him 50 Years, But He Got Her to Leave Scientology

Old man: No. Do not do that.
Old woman: I'm not! I'm really not!
Old man: Looking for the truth? That's for idiots. That's for morons. Trying to take the facts into your own hands? That's for idiots. Don't do it.
Old woman: I know! I'm not!

--14th & 6th


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dog Shit is Bullshit (A NYC Short Story)

White woman: You see why I don't live in Manhattan, especially on the Upper East Side.
White man: Why is that?
White woman: Too many freaking dogs. Everybody and their mother have a goddamn dog. The Upper East Side smells like dog shit and these people will not clean up after their dogs.
White man: I know what you mean. Too many dogs.
White woman: These people should be shot for not cleaning up after their dogs. They should not be allowed to own an animal if they can't clean up after it. What, rich and snobbish people aren't allowed to pick up dog crap, is that it?
White man: Well, at least the West Side is not so bad.
White woman: I'm not sure it is any better.

--80th & 3rd


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dorks: Want to Be Jabba the Hutt? Here's How!

Chick #1: I am so pathetic.
Chick #2: You are not pathetic! If you and I lived together and did nothing but eat chocolate, guacamole and chips and ice cream and play Nintendo, and we ended up weighing 500 pounds each, but having weirdly toned hands and forearms from the Nintendo playing, that would be pathetic.

--111th & Broadway


Overheard by
: djlindee


Posted 2005-06-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"But I'm lost! My mom's name is Mommy!"

Woman: Where is there an elevator or ramp down to the lower tracks?
Info booth lady: Which track are you trying to get to?
Woman: It doesn't matter...gate 120.
Info booth lady: We don't have a gate 120. If you tell me where you're really going, I'll tell you how to get there!

--Grand Central


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The Battered Husband: All But Invisible

Doctor lady: OK, so what happened to you?
Bloody guy: I fell down some stairs, bitch.

--Bellevue Hospital, 1st Avenue


Overheard by
: feitclub


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Fat Eating Fat: Irony or Hate Crime?

Fat lady #1: Excuse me, could you move over?
Thin woman: Well, I can't move over anymore.
Fat lady #1: Excuse me, could you move over?
Fat lady #2: There is no way you're going to fit in that space.
Fat lady #1: If you moved over I could. I'm not fat like you.
Fat lady #2: Not only are you fat, but you're crazy. You think I'm fat? Get away before I eat you.

--E train


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Chinese Food Doesn't Think It's Better Than All Other Foods

Tourist guy: So what's the difference between Korean and Chinese?
New York guy: You mean the food, or the people?
Tourist guy: Either one. But I only care about the food.

--Bayard & Mulberry


Overheard by
: iiams


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Don't Hate the Fender, Hate the Grime

Guy #1: Why did the cops just pull that biker over?
Guy #2: I dunno, it's what, 4AM? Maybe he got on his bike drunk or something...
Guy #1: He's wearing his helmet and everything though.
Guy #2: Yeah, but that motorcycle is pretty fucking ugly. That orange shit on the fenders is a crime.

--Delancey & Ludlow


Overheard by
: a jay


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This Has to Do With Degrassi High How?

Tourist guy: Why are all the signs in Chinese?
New York guy: Because we're in Chinatown.
Tourist guy: But shouldn't they have to advertise in English?
New York guy: New York isn't Quebec.
Tourist guy: What?
New York guy: Dude, you don't even know the difference between Chinese and Korean, you'll never understand a reference to Quebecoise French.

--Bayard & Mott


Overheard by
: iiams


Posted 2005-06-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That, and Blasting That Music at All Hours

Suit #1: I had to dig a four foot trench last weekend.
Suit #2: Why?
Suit #1: Well, we're putting a waterfall into my swimming pool.
Suit #1: That's why they invented Mexicans.

--Trinity Place


Overheard by
: B-tron


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If He's in Rehab, He's Clearly Gay

Woman #1: Oh! This guy is so hot.
Woman #2: He's a druggie.
Woman #1: He's so hot. Oh God. I can't even stand it!
Woman #2: Maybe you'll meet him in rehab.

--MTV Studios, Times Square


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"Makes Sense": Delegating Sovereignty to Brussels

Girl: How come music downloads here cost $1 and they cost $0.10 in Europe?
Guy: Because anything that makes sense can't happen in America any more.
Girl: Fair enough.

--86th & 1st


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The Gaydar on Her Tinfoil Hat is Broken

Hoboette: I bet a lot of men try and make out with you.
Guy: Excuse me?
Hoboette: I bet a lot of men try and make out with you. You've never had that happen? Every time I see an attractive, well-groomed man, he is gay. So you are saying you aren't gay?
Guy: Nope.
Hoboette: Keep up the good stuff. Too bad I wasn't younger.

--52nd & 10th


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It's Not Enough That She Turned Him Into a Hippie

Hippie boy: What are we going to talk about? He's a hairdresser and I'm a teenager!
Mom: Date him, I guess.

--Prospect Park


Overheard by
: Gretchen


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Don't Tell Me How to Do My Job

Girl: And to think I wasn't sure what was going on with him! Then last night I was like why would someone care so much about my underwear if they didn't want to get into it?
Guy: That's a great question.
Girl: Isn't it?
Guy: That should be on OverheardInNewYork.

--Perry Street


Posted 2005-06-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They're Undergoing Withdrawal from the Injections

Man: ...so how've you been?
Woman: Been good, you know I'm done with bein' bad.
Man: Nah, why's that?
Woman: My thighs hurt.

--24th & Park


Overheard by
: Kathryn Galloway


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Notice He Didn't Say Williamsburg

Art store guy #1: No, I don't know where it is...Hey, does anyone know where there's an art show this weekend? This guy on the phone wants to know.
Art store guy #2: Tell him SoHo and hang up.

--Utrecht, 4th Avenue


Overheard by
: Jason


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Not to Mention a Car Wreck for a Face

Black guy #1: Yo, you wanna go see Mariah Carey?
Black guy #2: Her music sucks but dat crazy white bitch got some big ass titties.

--Broadway & Broome


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They Meant Raccoon, and They Saw Rat

Suit #1: That sure was a big coon, wasn't it?
Suit #2: Uh huh, big coon.

--Little W. 12th Street


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Dude, Your Pimp Hand is Mad Weak

Crying woman: You fucked her and then you fucked me.
Man: But baby, I knew it was wrong at the time!

--Central Park South


Overheard by
: Lily


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His Mattress is Trying to Kill Itself

The train door squeaks constantly.

Fat guy: That's what it sounds like in my bedroom!
Old lady: Yeah, before you get home from work.

--Metro-North train


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Perhaps That's the Problem...Pudga

Runner chick #1: What the hell are those people doing?
Runner chick #2: They're in some sort of boot camp class.
Runner chick #1: They're military?
Runner chick #2: No, I think they just pay someone to get them in shape.
Runner chick #1: But they're so sweaty and out of breath! I never get that way with my trainer!

--Central Park


Overheard by
: Peter


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He's on a Strict Sushi Diet

Panhandler: Forty dollars...anybody got forty dollars so I can eat? Anybody, forty dollars?
Businessguy: Forty dollars?
Panhandler: You want to make a deal? All right, thirty-five dollars.

--57th & 5th


Overheard by
: Heather


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Not As Dumb As Saying It So Close to Greenpoint

Teen thug #1: Damn! You ever read A Streetcar Named Desire?
Teen thug #2: Yeah, Stanley Kowalski. That dumb Polack.

--Williamsburg


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In Their Defense, They Did Kill the EU

Girl: Sorry, I'm trying to be as French as possible.
French guy: Oh, I'm from Bawsten.

--N train


Overheard by
: c. dubs



The train pulls out of the underground. Three Hispanic teens look outside.

Hispanic teen #1: You can't see the Eiffel Tower from here?

They continue looking for a good twenty seconds.

Hispanic teen #2: That shit's in Paris, yo!

--F train


Overheard by
: Daniel Radosh


Posted 2005-06-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Put It Where It Doesn't Belong

JHS boy #1: Shut up before I have to put my ass in your mouth.
JHS boy #2: How the hell you gonna put your ass in my mouth?

--Central Park


Girl #1
: It looked like you were getting pretty close with that guy on the dance floor.

Girl #2: I know! He was putting his dick all up in my ass like he knew me or something.

--11th between 3rd & 4th


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You Should Overhear What She Says About His Piece

Girl: I don't want to sit there. We can't see the screen.
Guy: Baby, the screen is 95 feet tall.

--Loews Lincoln Center


Overheard by
: G & R


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Guys: Get Her to Say Seamen and Read Her This Entry

Asian chick: You know, I bet Fritos are healthy for you!
Spanish chick: How you figure?
Asian chick: Cuz in the ingredients it says it's made of corn, soybean oil and salt, and corn is good for you.
Spanish chick: True. If you can pronounce what's in the ingredients, then it has to be good for you.

--Flushing


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NYC: One Fucking Big Happy Family

Drunk White hobo: Aw man, fucka that shit.
Hispanic deli chef: Man, you don't have to say that to me. I am your brother.
Drunk White hobo: You're right, brother...I am sorry, my brother.

--34th street deli between 8th & 9th


Black dude #1
: Shut up, nigga.

Black dude #2: What the fuck. Don't call me nigga. I'm Puerto Rican. Call me a spic.
Black dude #3: Stop using that offensive language! No wonder everyone on this train is staring at us. We are all God's children. We all bleed the same. Aren't we all god's children?
White woman: Pardon?
Black dude #3: Aren't we all god's children?
White woman: Well, yes.
Black dude #3: You see!

--1 train


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Actually, He's Teaching You French

White homie teen: Chicken fill-ett.
Latino homie teen: That's "fill-ay". Hah, "fill-ett". Ha ha ha, "fill-ett".
White homie teen: You're teaching me English?

--Wendy's, Bensonhurst


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There's Plenty of Amateur Farmers Around to Help

Girl #1: Oh my God, look at that lady.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Titty drip!
Girl #2: Oh my God. Go home and milk yourself.

--19th & 5th


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We Were Always Jaclyn Smith Men, Ourselves

Queer: She's very uncomfortable with her face. Well, she is 60. She said to me, "Why can't I just grow old? Why can't I just grow old like everyone else?" And I wanted to say, because you're Farrah Fawcett, that's why.

--Washington Square Park


Overheard by
: Valerie Goodman


Posted 2005-06-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You're Not Any Less Retarded for Watching Them

Granola guy #1: So what did you do last night?
Granola guy #2: I watched Rain Man and W