June 2005 Archives

He's Just Not That Into Your Calendar

Girl #1: So he told me that no matter what happens on June 31st, he will come to my house and we'll discuss our wedding.
Girl #2: I wish my boyfriend would be there for me.
Girl #1: It sounds nice, doesn't it? Except there is no 31st of June.

--Washington Square Park


Overheard by
: Ting



Catholic schoolgirl
: I am so mature! I'm gonna be 16 soon. That means I can drive.

Boyfriend: That's awesome.
Catholic schoolgirl: How many months is that in?
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Catholic schoolgirl: Let's see...June, July, August, September, November...December? No, that's not right...January, February, April, May...

--N train


Overheard by
: Olga Kogan


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Maybe She Wasn't Standing When Her Water Broke

Chick #1: What's the deal with Mimi, anyway? She's been pregnant for a while.
Chick #2: I know. I'm beginning to think she's just fat.

--Mimi Maternity, 87th & Broadway


Overheard by
: Djlindee


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Hey "Mom": It Can't Drown if There's No Water

Girl #1: When I'm older and I'm pregnant, I hope I'm standing when my water breaks cause I don't want the baby to come down and, like, drown.
Girl #2: My Mom went down in a gutter with me.

--B44 bus


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Not One As Widespread as Idiocy

Girl #1: They named their kid Lotus?
Girl #2: That's kind of cool.
Girl #1: How?
Girl #2: Well, it's got good connotations, you know? I mean, you'd never meet a bitch named Lotus.
Girl #1: Yeah, but...weren't they, like, a plague?

--John Fluevog, Mulberry Street


Overheard by
: Courtney


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Overheard on the Radio

The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).

As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.

--Centre Street office


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It's Hungry for a Baby

College boy #1: Did you see the camel toe on her? It was like her vagina was hungry or something.
College boy #2: Yeah, she had a ravenous vagina.

--Brooklyn College


Overheard by
: Brooklyn Julie


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No, That's Alcoholautism

Arty girl: You know what Asperger's is, right?
Arty guy: No.
Arty girl: It's that type of Autism where people are obsessed with trains.
Arty guy: Oh! So is that what all the subway conductors have?

--F train


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I Think I'm Going to Be Sick

Girl #1: She looks so good now, though!
Girl #2: Yeah, well, if she would keep a meal down once in a while she might not...

--9th Avenue & Little West 12th Street


Overheard by
: Wyatt Neumann



Girl #1
: They were all wondering why I wasn't eating, and they kept asking me to eat something, so I just finally had a sandwich to shut them up. So when I went back to the hotel, I threw up.

Girl #2: I totally understand, I would have done the same thing.

--NYSC locker room, 23rd & Park


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We Love It When Our Friends Become Successful

For those of you into voyeurism and candor, the website Double Agent is based on the premise of "women spying on women for men." We asked the guys over there for some recommendations of their work, and these fly-on-the-wall video clips are what they came up with: 1, 2, 3, 4. Enjoy!


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Don't Give a Guy Ideas

Girl: You don't like hot dogs?
Guy: Only at baseball games.
Girl: Well, we could go downstairs and, like, throw a bat around.

--59th Street office


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Forget Get That Tool; She's Not Loose

Guy: Are you a robot?
Chick: What?
Guy: Are you a robot? Because I think you need some repairs.
Chick: No, I'm not.
Guy: Are you sure? Because I got a screwdriver in my back seat.

--Broadway between Spring & Broome


Overheard by
: Jessica Jaglois


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Just Wait Until He Hits Satellite...

Mom: I don't know where you learned a word like that! Where would you hear that? That's a bad name. We don't call people that. I just don't understand where you would have picked that up. Maybe from Howard Stern.

--2 train


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Wednesday One-liners Need Relationship Counseling

Black guy: I ain't saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch.

--82nd & 2nd


Overheard by
: Rick Segall



Fratboy
: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now.


--111th & Broadway


Overheard by
: Djlindee



Shoplady on phone
: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me...I mean, she's ugly but it's good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex.


--Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark's Place


Overheard by
: Sarah C



Jamaican lady
: We don't fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love.


--Washington Heights


Guy on cell
: You had sex with my sister!...Well was she any good?...Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick?


--Times Square


Guy
: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go...I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I'd have a date for Saturday.


--Union Squre theatre


Suit
: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn't work out.


--Wall Street


Overheard by
: Black Red Yellow NYC


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Wednesday One-liners Love Their Sports

Guy: I was never any good at sports...I've watched the Superbowl a few times.

--Flatiron office


Lady on phone
: Yeah, they have seat fillers at the Oscars and other award shows, you didn't know that? It's so when they pan over the audience it doesn't look like a Mets game.


--40th Street office


Overheard by
: Clay Caviness



Guy
: I'm not going to be the only guy at the hockey party holding an apple turnover.


--Broadway & Prince


Overheard by
: Christopher Miner


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Wednesday One-liners Ain't Talking Without a Lawyer

Guy: Just because I got a felony doesn't mean I'm going to jail.

--outside Kew Gardens Criminal Courthouse


Overheard by
: Scott Bee



Man walking down the street with a wooden square around his neck says
: I'm an innocent man! I've been framed, I'm tellin' ya!


--Carmine & Bleecker


Black guy
: Yo, do y'all got $6? Whoa, whoa, listen, I'm Black but I'm no criminal!


--Penn Station


Overheard by
: Erica Gridelli


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Wednesday One-liners Have Questions About NY

Tourist guy: We're staying down on Two Avenue. Now do they say Two Avenue or Second Avenue here?

--Columbus Circle


Overheard by
: Chess



Tourist woman
: We're in Manhattan, right?


--Times Square


Tourist girl
: Can't we like, just call a cab? You know, like, "Hi, we need a cab, pick us up here?"


--42nd between Broadway & 6th


Overheard by
: Heather Hunter



Tourist guy
: Do they just breed dogs smaller here, or what?


--Broadway & Astor


Overheard by
: jillypickle


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Those Jews and Their Wednesday One-liners

Asian guy: Are there really this many Israelis in New York?

--61st & 5th


Overheard by
: Adam Shprintzen



Tourist girl
: What's a knish? I don't know about these flavors. Can I get a plain one?


--Yonah Schimmel's Knishery, Houston Street


White girl
: There's really no difference between gay guys and Jewish guys...Just the hat and a little ass-fucking, but other than that they're pretty much the same.


--184th & Bennett


Girl
: I don't know if it's an ego thing or what, but Jews really turn me on!


--French Roast Cafe, West 11th Street


Overheard by
: Dottie McFarland


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Wednesday One-liners Are Ready to Order

Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don't speak English so they didn't understand what you wanted.

--ESPNZone, Times Square


Overheard by
: Rachel W



Spanish girl
: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn't swollen at all. They was tellin' me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin' rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone.


--M train


A hobo walks up to the people outside and says
: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere.


--Indochine, Lafayette Street


Drunk guy
: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, "What's the problem?".


--47th & 9th


Overheard by
: JH



Woman
: Can you please make sure it's a boy lobster? I'm only into boys, and don't want to eat a girl.


--Austin ale house, Kew Gardens


Overheard by
: tom



Pudgy guy on cell
: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don't pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.


--Williamsburg


Overheard by
: Alita


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Wednesday One-liners in: The Dangers of Cell Phones

Woman on cell: Hi honey...yes, I'm fine...I can hear you...stop saying hello to me. I goddammn hate it when you say hello.

--42nd & Madison


Hobo
: Hey, miss! Yeah, you! Talkin' on your cell! Don't walk away from me! I see you listenin' to me! Hell, I can hear you listenin' to me!


--43rd & 8th


Woman on cell
: Guess where I am....guess where I am!...Hello? Hello? Shit!


--La Baguette, University Place


Overheard by
: Matty K


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Wednesday One-liners Have to Get an Intervention

Woman: Oh! I got you some Xanax for your wedding day.

--14th & 9th


Guy
: I don't call myself an alcoholic any more. I find it really hard to separate out my shit like that.


--Washington Square South


Woman
: I think I'm just going to stay in and have a heroin night.


--11th & University


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Wednesday One-liners Have Their Priorities Straight

Three JHS boys pass a woman in a tight t-shirt and mini-skirt talking on her cell. One stares slack-jawed, then says to his buddies: Wow! That was the new Motorola.

--79th Street between Columbus & Amsterdam


Guy
: As soon as I get my unemployment check, I'm going to buy a new TV.


--Penn Station


Woman on cell
: I lost my sunglasses and I have cancer.


--34th & Madison


Overheard by
: Lisa



Boy, 8
: Look Mom! I think Daddy likes the Hummer more than you.


--Astoria


Overheard by
: Adam Kraemer



Guy on pay phone
: I haven't decided if I prefer the smell of fresh urine or stale urine. I'll let you know.


--Hotel Edison, West 47th Street


Guy
: I told you what my goal is: to be lazy. 20 years from now, I want to be lazy.


--St. Mark's Place between 2nd & 3rd


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Wednesday One-liners are Open for Business

Girl on cell: Do you think any galleries will be open on Sunday?

--21st & Broadway


Woman
: He didn't come here to be Korean; he moved here to be a hipster. Then he realized he could open a store, and he turned Korean.


--2nd Avenue & 6th Street


Private School girl
: So is, like, everything in this place by Chanel?


--Metropolitan Museum of Art


Man
: What do you mean, you ran out of keys? How does a hotel run out of keys?


--The Hotel on Rivington


Overheard by
: Joe Quint



Queer
: Well I figured I make $7 an hour at Journey's working full time. So if I cut back to part time and get a second job making $7 an hour, I'll be making $14 an hour and I can pay all my bills!


--Nederlander Theater, West 41st Street


Overheard by
: Nomi Malone


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You're Thinking of Her Writing

Blonde: I hate Anne Rice.
Brunette: Me too! Isn't she dead?
Blonde: Oh God, no! Remember, she's writing that Jesus novel?
Brunette: Oh right. For some reason I always think she's dead.

--The Strand


Overheard by
: Sexy Beast


Posted 2005-06-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"...he put it in my holster 9 months before you were born."

Mother: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Daughter: A cop.
Mother A cop? You don't want to be no cop, what do you want to be a cop for?
Daughter
: So I can carry a gun.

Mother: You don't need to be a cop to have a gun. Your dad ain't no cop and he has a gun.

--F train


Overheard by
: Paul Swenson


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Get the One That Folds Into a Suitcase

Woman: He's not getting a new cell phone until the technology improves.
Man: Oh yeah, well I'm not commuting to work anymore until I get my flying car!

--Public Theater, Lafayette Street


Overheard by
: Sean McArdle


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Her Style Was More That of a Gelfling, Anyway

Queer #1: That was a guest conductor, right? The short one.
Queer #2: You mean the hobbit?
Queer #1: Oh, I didn't look at her feet.
Queer #2: Honey, it was a metaphor.

--NY City Ballet, Lincoln Center


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Somewhere Between Swiping and Wiping

Man #1: Are you in line for the bus?
Man #2: The bus? No, I'm in line for the bathroom.
Man #1: Well, I'm waiting for the bus.

--Starbucks, 43rd & 3rd


Overheard by
: Michelle


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New York City Subway Stories

Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D...B...Q...Penn Station...D--
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.

--F train


Overheard by
: Cole Couture



Hipster
: Did the train just pass 28th street?

Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.

--1 train


Overheard by
: Hayley



Man
: This won't do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.


At the next stop most of the car clears out.

Man: That's what I'm talking about.

--A train


A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.

Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!

--C train


Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor's booth and asked
: Is that the bathroom?


--A train


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I Guess Water is for Pussies

Woman: I stopped smoking six months ago, and now I'm lubricating so much better. I'm always wet at the right time.

--Lexington & 55th Deli


Guy
: Is it raining?

Girl: No.
Guy: Then why the fuck am I getting wet?
Girl: Because it's drizzling.

--Coney Island


Overheard by
: Gradie Smith



Guy #1
: She says she usually needs to make out for like a half hour before she starts to get wet.

Guy #2: You should just use your spit.

--2nd Avenue station


Overheard by
: J.


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Nothing's As Manly As a Soft Drink

Guy #1: Yo, I don't even believe in water, alls I drink is Pepsi.
Guy #2: Yep yep, water's for pussies.

--47th & 9th


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Depends on If She Was Coughing Up Blood

Girl #1: Stop coughing! Who the fuck do you think you are?
Girl #2: John Lennon.
Girl #1: No. You're not.

--6th Avenue & 11th Street


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Hey New York: What Did You Think of the Parade?

Hipster: ...yeah, I really don't know...I mean, you see one drag queen on some kinda float, you seen 'em all.

--Le Monde, 112th & Broadway


Guy #1
: So yeah, I saw that nigga out in the Village. That man is wilding, bro.

Guy #2: Word?
Guy #1: Yeah, dat nigga is out there rapping fags. He be like in a alley, and he be like, "yo commere", then he fucks 'em, bro.
Guy #2: Ha, ha. Yo, dat's fucked up man, that nigga always was crazy.

--M14 bus


Girl
: I totally thought I was going to see my gym teacher here.


--7th Avenue & Greenwich


Overheard by
: Lukas


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Sounds Like a Soggy Biscuit Was Involved

Guy #1: Yeah, I really like her but she's already got three kids.
Guy #2: With how many guys?
Guy #1: I don't know, three or four.

--1 train


Overheard by
: crumbr


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My Anti-Drug? Bad Conversation

Guy #1: Hey man, how you been?
Guy #2: Good, man.
Guy #1: What you been up to?
Guy #2: ...Sorry man, just spaced out.
Guy #1: That's cool, I am coked out of my mind right now anyway.

--Cobble Hill


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My Dandruff Became Made of Frosting

Hipster with bike: I swear dude, an entire dumpster, full of unopened boxes of Pop-Tarts.
Hipster without bike: Dude.
Hipster with bike: I swear man, I lived on them for the entire summer!

--10th Street between 2nd & 3rd


Overheard by
: ann


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I Wonder Why Billy Started Stuttering

Private School boy: Mummy, will you sing the song?!
Mummy: When I see a hearse go by, then I know the next to die...

--Astoria


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So George Bush is a Body of Water Now?

Lady: What's that lake that separates the North and the South?
Man: What lake?
Lady: You know, that big lake?
Man: I thought it was a river.

--B train


Overheard by
: cee


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Or, As Some Call Them, "Children"

Guy #1: It is so over, but he doesn't know it yet.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah. Too much wifey drama.

--The Roxy, W. 18th Street


Overheard by
: Carlynn Houghton


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Depends on What Kind of Freaky She Feels Like

Girl #1: These are my fat ass pants.
Girl #2: Oh...so are they supposed to make your ass look fat or thin?

--58th & 5th


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Watch The Urban Explorers This Week at 5PM

Drunk guy: Gosh, that is the biggest slug I have ever seen in my life!
Sober girl: Everything always has to be the Discovery Channel with you, Eric!

--Bayside LIRR platform


Overheard by
: kate garaufis


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Respect a Man When You're in His Quasi-home

Hobo: Help me! I have 9 starving kids at home!
Suit: Yesterday you had 12 starving kids, what happened?
Hobo: That's right and the 2 of them died in a horrible fire yesterday! Please help me!
Suit: What happened to the 12th?
Hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, you're fucking up my rap!

--57th Street station


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Also Doesn't Know: Scotch Tape, Sharpie...

Guy: Do you carry Frisbees?
Duane Reade lady: What's a Frisbee?

--Duane Reade, 89th and Columbus


Overheard by
: Ethan Aronoff


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Don't Forget the Ironic Lawn Jockeys!

Black guy #1: I don't want a fucking lawn.
Black guy #2: But that's the American dream.
Black guy #1: I swear, you have become such a bitch since you moved to Georgia.
Black guy #3: Yeah, that nigga's got a screen door.

--West 4th between Sullivan & MacDougal


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Complete with the "Experimenting"

Cop: All right guy, you have two options--
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.

--Times Square


Overheard by
: Toon


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I'm Sure Someone At Pride Could Help You

A Kosher Deli has a neon sign in the shape of a sky-line.

Guy: What's with all the phalluses?
Girl: That's Jeruselum. They're church towers or something.
Guy: Oh...is "phalluses" the right way to make that plural?

--Broadway & 32nd


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Lost in Transcription

Girl: Are you mad at me?
Guy: No.
Girl: Are you being sarcastic?
Guy: No.
Girl: Now are you being sarcastic?
Guy: No.
Girl: Now are you being sarcastic?
Guy: Well yeah, now.

--B45 bus


Overheard by
: Gradie Smith


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