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July 2005 Archives
A Geico Commercial Waiting to Happen
Hobo: I'm sick of this city, I tell you. Please help me get out of here...Hey, did you just give me 2 pennies?
Guy: 3, actually.
Hobo: Ah, motherfucker! What the hell am I going to do with this?
--Times Square
You Know, Entertainment is Also Available in Book Form
White woman: Do you have a middle name?
Black guy: James. James Bond.
White woman: What?
Black guy: James Bond.
White woman: You're fired!
--Broadway & Cortlandt
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
You're Still Flaming
Man: Oh, man! Where have you been all my life?...Can I borrow your lighter?
Woman: Oh, thank goodness. I was like, "I'm flattered, but gay."
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: (The) Heather Red
Apparently, We Won't Never Forget
Tourist girl: We're here! Wow, this is it!
Tourist mother: No, I don't think it is. This isn't the Soup Nazi!...You, where's the Soup Nazi?
--Daily Soup, 54th Street
Girl: I've never been to that restaurant, I hear it's nice.
Guy: Yeah, it's got its own Nazi charm to it.
--30th & Lexington office
Southern girl: Why didn't you come, Daddy? That was our stop!
Southern dad: We'll ride this damn train till they tell us to get off.
--E train
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
Guy: This weather is like the Holocaust, except much much worse.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: mervis
Hmm...That is What an Evil Twin Would Say
Girl #1: My throat hurts. Does yours?
Girl #2: Um...no. Are we twins? Is it supposed to hurt?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: roc luch
Hard to Find a Place That Maps Don't Bother Listing
Midwestern girl: Man, New York stinks! "How was your trip to New York?" "It stinks!"
New York lady: Why don't you go back to where you came from, then?
--Times Square
Too Bad No One Reads It
Man: Oh, it is so good to hear English again.
Customs guy: Actually, I speak Brooklyn.
--JFK
Overheard by: Benjamin Silverberg
Orange You Glad He Didn't Say Banana?
Suit #1: Sounds like Bugsy Siegel.
Suit #2: Yeah.
Suit #1: You know who Bugsy Siegel is, right?
Suit #2: Sure, yeah.
Suit #1: You know who he is?
Suit #2: Yeah. Look--
Suit #1: You know who he is?
Suit #2: Yeah, yeah--
Suit #1: Who is he, then?
Suit #1: Who gives a shit?
--Broadway & Leonard deli
Overheard by: Mel
She Should Have Dropped "Y'know What I'm Sayin'?"
Asian girl #1: Who's that guy that's not Steve Harvey?
Asian girl #2: Cedric the Entertainer.
Asian girl #1: Yeah, he might have been in The Cookout.
Asian girl #2: Oh my God, that's so racist. "Who's that guy that's not Steve Harvey?"
Asian girl #1: Well, you knew who I was talking about!
--McDonald's, 85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Aisha Moore
How Sleeping with a Girl Can Still Be Gay
Guy: It was hot, I can't even tell you.
Girl: So you guys slept together?
Guy: Oh yeah, it was hot.
Girl: 'cause I talked to her this morning and she said you guys just cuddled and stuff.
Guy: Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant by sleeping with her. Y'know, spooning and shit.
--MetroTech Commons
You're Giving Yourself Too Much Credit
Girl #1: Oh my god there's too many people in this elevator! There's only supposed to be 10 people!
Girl #2: It's OK, I'm skinny. In my own reality I'm actually only half a person.
--Hotel Gansevoort, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
Yet It's OK for Him to Kill His Son...
Crazy lady: I hate my fucking mother and I want to kill her. I want to watch her bleed. She is a fat lazy bitch. She was nothing but a container!
Guy: God will not forgive you if you kill your mother. Can you also keep it down please?
--PATH train
Overheard by: JMK
Don't You Realize They Can't Hear You?
Announcement: ...and please remember to take your personal belongings with you...
Guy: Did you hear that? Personal belongings! Don't they know how redundant that is?
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
The Paramedics Were Too Late to Plug Her In, Plug Her In
Girl #1: ...so apparently she died from lysol poisoning--
Girl #2: Wow.
Girl #1: --yeah, she suffocated from one of those boxes that sprays air freshener. No oxygen could get in the room.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: J-Mo
How About Being Permanently Labelled as Such?
B&T Girl #1: He is so "not Westchester."
B&T Girl #2: I know!
B&T Girl #3: I don't get it. I've been here a year and I don't get that. And what is or who is "the bridge and tunnel crowd"? Is it a good thing that those guys called us "bridge and tunnel crowd" when we walked in?
B&T Girl #1: Eww.
B&T Girl #2: Gross.
B&T Girl #1: Ew, oh there is so no way anyone called me bridge and tunnel.
B&T Girl #3: So that's bad?
B&T Girl #2: What could be worse?
--Metro-North
Japanese Food Tastes of Pleasure
Chinese girl: I hate it when non-Chinese people make my Chinese food.
Puerto Rican guy: Yeah, when Chinese people make it, it tastes like greed.
Chinese girl: What did you say?
Puerto Rican guy: Relax. Italian food tastes like lazy complacency.
--49th & Broadway
"I did think that huge mint tasted funny."
Chick: Well, I didn't know it was the men's room.
Dude: What? The urinal didn't tip you off?
--Ear Inn, Spring Street
Overheard by: Jim Meskauskas
I'm Thinking Her Next Gig Will Be The Apprentice
MTV chick: The show is called Who Wants to be America's Sweetheart. But it's very hush-hush.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel Radosh
There's a Keebler Elf Graveyard Up in There
A fat girl's belly is pooling over the top of her jeans.
Guy: Hey, check out her muffin tops.
Girl: Dude, those aren't muffin tops; they're a whole cake explosion.
--N train
Overheard by: Tina
I Like It Better When They Talk About Starbucks
Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a condom.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Daniel
Girl: Don't let me talk to boys after I take blue pills.
--31st & 2nd
Girl #1: Sometimes he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.
--outside The Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Josh Neufeld
Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I wasn't really raped.
--Vertigo, 26th & 3rd
Yuppie chick #1: Sweetie, you're going to get raped dressed like that.
Yuppie chick #2: No. I have an umbrella.
--Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti
Someone, Put Her in a Maze Against Flipper
Guy: So you're saying tuna is really dolphin?
Lady: That's why it says "Dolphin Safe". It's safe to eat even though it's dolphin.
--Broadway & Worth
Well, You Guys Make for Great Lighters
Preppy guy: Hey, man, you got a cigarette?
Hobo: I'm fuckin' homeless and you're asking me for a cigarette?
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Matt
The Sickeningly Sweet Scent of Sodomy
Girl #1: What's wrong with you?
Girl #2: I am pissed at my roommate.
Girl #1: Why this time?
Girl #2: He had the nerve to wear my wig on a date again and when I asked him about it, the asshole lied.
Girl #1: How did you know he wore it?
Girl #2: It smelled like beer, cigarettes, and AnalEase again.
--6 train
Overheard by: Casey McKendrick
Translation: You're Going to Be a Daddy!
Fat lady: I wanna return this.
Store guy: Why?
Fat lady: Is too small, wanna large.
Guy: Receipt says you bought it a month ago; what happened to you?
Fat lady: I got pregnant, motherfucker!
--Foot Locker, Queens Mall
Overheard by: Steve Kinsella
Screaming Furnishings for Screaming Queens
Queer #1: Ooh, I love this rug! Look at it. Don't you want to put it outside the door like right now?
Queer #2: Ooh, yeah, right. I love the colors. They say: go away!
--Bed, Bath and Beyond, 18th & 6th
It's Magic in That It Didn't Crack, Fattie
Girl #1: My magic mirror told me I was looking thin today...and then I saw myself at work.
Girl #2: I know.
--36th & 7th
Overheard by: Selina
Everyone Blows Noodles When They're Really Drunk
Girl #1: Yo, that girl is nasty. She blew her dog.
Girl #2: No, she didn't. She and her Mamas had sex with Duquan together.
Girl #1: No! Trick! That wasn't her. She blew a dog. I saw it.
Girl #2: She blew Noodles?
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Anna May M. Abris
Got Some Hairy Wrists There, Do Ya?
Man: What's that black band on your wrist for? Everyone has those things now. Is it like Kabbalah? Or to cure cancer?
Woman: It's a hairband.
--Flight out of LaGuardia
Her Travelling Story was a Crock
Woman #1: And what about the vacation?
Woman #2: It was great. But I'm so glad to be back on firma terra cotta.
--42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Ellen Beckerman
You Can't Get Much More Out
Hobo #1: In Long Island, welfare pays your cable.
Hobo #2: For real? Get the fuck out.
--17th between 6th & 7th
"Waldbaum's, for one."
Hobo: Let me ask you something. How come White people don't buy from Black-owned businesses?
White guy: I do. All the time.
Hobo: Yeah? What Black stores do you shop at?
--Morningside Drive & 113th
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Or Not Very Subtle
Girl #1: ...uh, strapless?
Girl #2: Yeah? Which one?
Girl #1: You know you just asked me what strap on I bought, right?
Girl #2: Oh, shit. I'm not very smart am I?
--Victoria's Secret, Prince Street
Overheard by: Natalie
Careful, You Only Get to Use Him Once
Girl: Yesterday I weeded my terrace.
Boy: What?
Girl: I weeded my terrace.
Boy: Oh, I thought you said, "I needed my terrorist."
--Washington Square Park
It's Even Funnier If They Had
Doorman: Where is the building you're looking for?
Lady: It's on 40th.
Doorman: 40th and what?
Lady: I'm almost positive they said between Sixth and Avenue of the Americas.
--40th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: conor hogan
The Stalinists are Teaching Our Children
HS Girl #1: I've never heard of Latvia.
HS Girl #2: I've heard of it; I just don't think it's a real place.
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: andersonsmitty
Take a Deep Breath, Wednesday One-liners
Girl on cell: If you beat somebody up real bad and they press charges, how much time can you get for that?...No, if they press charges against you.
--Macy's
Overheard by: Katie C
Boy, 5: Lady, I'm gonna cut off your head and feed it to my family.
--14th & 2nd
Overheard by: djlindee
Not Quite a Match with Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Oh, excuse me!...Want to make out?
--Centre & Chambers
Overheard by: Chris
Older man: ...so they served these smaller things, like appetizers, in between the three main courses. You know how many they gave us? Four! There were four intercourses...
--West 53 Street office
Girl on cell: He shoots dope and smokes crack! I can't think of a worse person for you to sleep with!...well, yeah, I guess...
--81st & Madison
Girl: I'd blow him every day if he'd let me drive his beamer more.
--Sheep's Meadow
Tween girl: Shit, if I were 21, and he was like, "Yo, do you want some
beer?", I'd be like, "Shit, only if you got a hotel room." 'cause then
we could, like, go in it.
--Starbucks, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: marissa
Daily News guy: ...and I said, "Just take me now, bitch!"
--Bar 288, Elizabeth Street
DMV guy: Who's here for oral? Did anyone in this line sign up for oral?
--DMV, Atlantic Avenue Center
Overheard by: RMC
We're Considering Branding Wednesday One-liners
Woman: This is my favorite part...of the worst song ever.
--MTV Studios, Times Square
Man on cell: No, it is not like the time I farted at Target and blamed in on that old woman!
--22nd & Park
Overheard by: Bill Ray
Drunken yuppie guy: I want my Subway sandwich! I want my Subway sandwich! Tuna and onions! Yeah, you heard me. Girls love big cocks. Girls love big cocks! These girls know. I'm on...I'm on Comedy Central! I'm a redneck on Comedy Central! My name is Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! I'm from Texas where girls suck cock for a dime!
--32nd & 2nd
Woman: Did you hear Cooter wouldn't endorse that remake?
--7 train
Overheard by: Todd Horan
Guy: God, I feel like I'm trapped in a fucking Hallmark Card.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Shoshana
Latina: ...and he looks evil and the Princess is saying to him, "You are a good person" and he looks so evil and then she is with Obi King Wasabi and he said he is on the dark side and then the shorty guy--what is his name?--Yoga said, "He is on the dark side" and then Dark Wader he is with the cape and looks all angry and evil reminded me of me on Mondays.
--58th & Lexington
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
The Rainbow Flag Hangs Over Wednesday One-liners
Queer: That's why you never bring a drunk pussy to a gay club.
--17th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Robert
Girl on cell: But wait, was she gay or was she lesbian?
--8th & Broadway
Queer on cell: Pussy? You mean Pussy?...No?... No, I know Hibiscus...Is that the one with the boyfriend at the bar?...Pussy!...Well, are you the good witch or the wicked witch? Oh, I guess that won't work for you, you've never seen Wizard of Oz.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: mh
Girl: Oh my God, I hear heterosexual voices!
--18th & 8th
Older guy: I'm still trying to figure out who designed this bathroom. I mean, whoever designed this place wanted something up their ass.
--Pavilion movie theater, Park Slope
Overheard by: Daniel Radosh
Girl: Yeah, but I mean, this gay thing's gonna be in him forever...
--East Drive, Central Park
Woman on cell: Well, if he wears a dress shirt with really nice jeans, that makes it a little less gay for them.
--4th Avenue & 12th Street
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
RuPaul II: Mmm, I would suck spare rib outta his dick...sauce and all.
--Christopher Street
Guy: Yeah, I don't like lip rings that much. They get dirty too easily, y'know, from food and sucking cock...
--MacDougal Tattoo, Sullivan Street
Overheard by: gwen limbach
Chelsea boy on cell: Hey, honey, I saw you leave with that hot bartender last night. I'm coming over with a couple of videos and that vinaigrette I borrowed, and you're telling me everything.
--21st & 7th
Woman: Of course. I'm in and out of the closet all the time.
--Dojo, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Ellen
Girl on cell: So he told me that sucking cock didn't make him gay...and I said, "How's that if you never go down on me?"...fucking faggot!
--F train
Patsy Cline Sings Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: July 31st! July 31st is the deadline, everyone! You must write your letters of apology to Bush or he'll drop another bomb in the ocean and you can say "Good-bye" to Sri Lanka!
--17th & 8th
Overheard by: Edwin Lam
Crazy guy: Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard to find true love? Don't look at me like that. You want quiet? Go to the library. You think I want your money? I don't need your money! Look at all these dollar bills on my pants! If I want money, I just peel one off.
--6 train
Crazy guy: Fuck you and your stupid leg. You fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
--L train
Overheard by: Jonathan Farbowitz
Drunk old Black guy: ...people, we got these rhythms... rhythms that just don't connect. I got rhythms, and you girls have got rhythms, but can we dance together? No, no...we can't. That's what happened when the Black man came to America, babies. Black and white, we just can't dance, babies. But you girls should dance with me.
--13th & 6th
Crazy shirtless guy: Order in the court! Order in the court! Y'all is not guilty. Now get the hell outta here!
--Port Authority
Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels?
--M60 bus
Overheard by: Oz Skinner
Wednesday One-liners, Where Are You?
Guy on cell: Where am I? I'm always some place watching some crazy shit. I'm watching some motherfuckin' Indian shit, son. Some shit from some country. They're doing a rain dance, son. It's gonna motherfuckin' rain soon. They're doing a motherfuckin' rain dance, son. They're dancing and shit.
--St. Mark's Church
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
Woman: Where are all the restaurants?
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Kate
Woman on cell: Where am I? I'm at home; I'm just about to go down and get a cab. Where are you?
--Gristede's, 63rd & West End
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Driving guy: Is this Brooklyn?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Driving guy: Excuse me, which way is Manhattan?
--40th & Broadway
Girl: Excuse me sir, how do you get to Times Square?
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti
Man on cell: No, no. I'll never make it. I'm still in Jersey.
--85th & 2nd
Overheard by: JDH
OMG! It's Wednesday One-liners!
Priest: Please exit using the side doors as there are things going on in the front.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Overheard by: Bryant
Old lady: Jesus on a check? Oh well, I'm an atheist, so it doesn't really matter to me.
--E. 33rd Street office
Woman on cell: He can't hear you when you hate me...You hate me? Then he can't hear you! He can't hear you! He can't hear you! Jehovah can't hear you when you hate me!
--42nd between 10th & 11th
Woman: You know, they tell those suicide bombers they'll get 99 virgins when you get to heaven. 99 virgins! But if you blow yourself up in Brooklyn, you only get 50. Half off for Brooklyn.
--CVS, Harlem
Puerto Rican guy: Jesus loves you. I love you. I know you don't want to listen to me. I know about your bunny rabbit... Will you be one of the 144,000 chosen?...On July 30th we will all come together. I will wear a kippa. But you know you have to accept the savior...There are 632,000 lords...I will stop talking to you now. The Flintstones told me not to.
--4 train
Overheard by: Matt F.
Wednesday One-liners Are All Over the Map
Fat chick: Every single website, every newspaper, if it's under
$200,000, it's in China.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Drunk guy: So, where would you want to get your gall bladder taken out: France or New York?
--1st Avenue & 3rd Street
Overheard by: Lisa H.
Girl: Oh, look. It says, "I Heart Someone in Austin"!...Oh...with autism. Never mind.
--W. 249th & Independence, The Bronx
Overheard by: Bianca Townshend
College girl: The real reason I went to San Francisco is that I wanted to go to Japan, but that was as far as I could afford.
--14th Street 1/2/3 station
Overheard by: Kevin Sheldon
Girl:...so do you actually eat Lucky Charms in Ireland?
--Wall & Broad
Overheard by: David McG
Guy: Is that a cruise ship? Oh no, wait. It's New Jersey.
--Sunset Park rooftop
Overheard by: c dub
Smells Like Wednesday One-liners
Girl: Don't walk me behind me, I'm about to fart.
--Times Square station
Girl: God, it smells like an armpit farted in here.
--Rififi, E. 11th Street
Overheard by: Miso
Guy on cell: Baby, baby, please, listen, I just, I'm almost there, c'mon, I'm comin' up on your building now, baby, don't be like that! Look out the window and you'll see me! Shit, you can smell me, baby.
--12th & D
Fratboy: My shorts smell like a little boy's balls.
--Coney Island beach
Overheard by: Alissa
Woman: Just so you know, it smells like someone urinated in there.
--Banana Republic, 16th & 5th
Overheard by: beth wren
Wednesday One-liners, Jr.
Mom: Maybe if you listen to me more you'll get to see Mr. Snap Crackles...Mommy's going to call him now.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jake Glazier
Chick on cell :...and then the other day, I had a little baby! Yeah!
--116th & Broadway
NY Post guy: It's been confirmed! He's dead! Harry Potter is dead! Killed in a magic train bus explosion. Read it here!
--Penn Station
Guy: ...and you can't get birthmarks shaped like WB characters.
--Teany, Rivington St.
Wednesday One-liners are Family Values
Alt girl: So his second cousin is also his dad. That's fucking mashed up.
--Times Square
Teen girl: You sure it's his, right? He didn't take his cock out or nuthin'?
--Laundry room, 108th & 2nd
Overheard by: CK Allen
Chick: Yeah, so I've been making out with my stepcousin lately.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Kam Truhn
Your Insults Are All Dead, Miss
Hostess #1: So the day after he dumped me, he bought me a copy of The Latin Sexual Vocabulary.
Hostess #2: And this is why classicists should never be allowed to meet one another.
Hostess #1: Yeah, now I know ten ways to say "fuck you, asshole" in Latin.
--Boat Basin Cafe, W. 79th Street
It Also Lets You Commune With Orville
Hispanic mom: How much is the popcorn?
Concession Stand guy: Well the medium is $5 and the large is $5.50.
Hispanic mom: What's the difference? Is the large just bigger?
--Loews Lincoln Square, 68th Street
Overheard by: ~dana
But I'd Care If My Burger Were Run Over
Old Italian lady #1: Your cat's gonna get hit!
Asian Lady: Wha?
Old Italian lady #1: Your cat: it's in the street! Someone's gonna run over it!
Asian lady: Huh?
Old Italian lady #1: Your ca--
Old Italian lady #2: She doesn't care about the cat. Those Orientals, they eat cats.
--Carroll Gardens bodega
I Thought P at the Beginning Was Foreplay
Little girl: That's how you spell it? Why is there a "p"?
Mom: The doctors didn't know how to spell it, so they just put a "p" at the beginning to make it look medical.
--Greenpoint corner store
Another Wonderfully Thinning Feature for Smokers
Girl #1: I wish I still smoked so I would have a reason to go outside every 20 minutes.
Girl #2: But then you'd have cancer.
--Chelsea elevator
Better Spit Out That Gum Before Walking
Gum-chewing chick #1: He should get life for what he did.
Gum-chewing chick #2: Life? He should be executed!
Gum-chewing chick #1: That's what I mean! He should get life!
Gum-chewing chick #2: That's not what "getting life" means. "Getting life" means you go to prison for the rest of your life. Don't you know anything?
Gum-chewing chick #1: Well, I don't read the papers or watch the news...
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
That's More Him Thanking You
Woman #1: You have to thank Brian for these photos for us.
Woman #2: Don't worry, I'll just sit on his face.
--Q train
It Was Colored Like Sir Isaac Lime
Fratboy: A dude was walking around the dorm last night cradling a turd.
Chick: Eww! Like a real piece of poop?
Fratboy: Yeah, it was huge, really impresive.
Chick: Oh, that's cool then.
Fratboy: At first I thought it was an otter.
--53rd & 10th
Overheard by: Bob Konkel
Nor, Unfortunately, Did You Wipe Your Face
Guy #1: Do you want some of my water? I promise I don't have cooties.
Guy #2: It's not your cooties I'm worried about, it's someone else's.
Guy #1: No, I didn't suck his dick.
--F train
Overheard by: Victor Villegas
You Need the Cardigans to Hide Track Marks
Guy peeing: ...yeah, in the subways in Sweden, they have blue lights because it makes it harder to see your veins to shoot up.
Guy washing hands: Oh yeah?
Guy peeing: Yeah. It's totally a lot easier to shoot up here.
--Baggot Inn men's room, W. 3rd Street
Overheard by: Michael Vance II
That's Not What the Hobos Say
Indie boy #1: I actually had that in my head, but then I wrote what I wrote because I wanted to give the character that New Jersey character.
Indie boy #2: But no one uses the word "guido" anymore.
--Alt.Coffee, Avenue A
Overheard by: annie
You're Going to Be Dying in Brooklyn, Too
Guy: It's so crazy, you know, leaving Manhattan.
Girl: I know, if you would have told me five years ago that I'd be living in Brooklyn I'd have laughed at you.
--L train
Overheard by: Benjamin
This is Something That He Has Learned
HS boy #1: Damn, it's rush hour.
HS boy #2: You know it's rush hour when you can touch a girl's booty and she don't slap you.
--6 train
Overheard by: ZorbaBuddha
If You Thought Pot/Kettle, You're As Bad As Them
Black lady #1: I'm still waiting for that African guy to get back.
Black lady #2: You mean the guy with the crazy kids running all around? Those kids were wild.
Black lady #1: Well you know those people, they aren't used to being indoors.
Black lady #2: Yeah they used to running all around in the jungle.
--Central Post Office, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Baby Bee
I Always Figured the Junior Senator's Office
Guy #1: See that, that's the New Jersey Transit.
Guy #2: Good God, that's where they get in?
Guy #3: And everyone thought Sunnydale is where the Hellmouth is.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Joseph
Uh, Some of Us Don't...
Chinese woman #1: Her husband is so cheap!
Chinese woman #2: Yeah, well...
Chinese woman #1: Where do you find someone like that?
Chinese woman #2: He's a Shanghai-nese.
Chinese woman #1: Oh...Well, you know how those people are.
Translated from the Chinese.
--7 train
Make These Women the Surrealism Section
Younger woman: I can't believe how crowded it is.
Older woman: That's because they just reopened after being relocated in the Bronx.
--The Met
Don't Tell Marie Antoinette; It'll Kill Her
Guy: Here's a muffin.
Hobo: I don't eat cake.
--3rd Avenue between Stuyvesant & St. Mark's
She Could Have Said "Uterus"
Girl #1: Ugh! It's horrible out! It feels like I'm in someone's lung!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: It's just so moist and warm out here; it's like being in a giant lung.
Girl #2: ...that's the most disgusting description I think I've ever heard.
--74th & Madison
Overheard by: Sarah
Hairy, Swollen, Covered in Cuts and Boils
Hobo: Hey, any of you fellas got a match?
Drunk guy: Yeah I got a match, my ass and your face!
Hobo: I hear ya.
--3rd Avenue and 9th Street
Someone Get Him a Manpon, STAT!
Woman, 40s: ...so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won't let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn't need no more than that...are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser--leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he's sleeping (there's kids around but y'all know what muscle I'm talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
--4 train
Overheard by: Anna
Dude, Your String is Seriously Showing
Lady: Ooh, is that a tampon in your bag?
Man: No, no, no. Come on, it's a manpon.
--Tonic, Norfolk Street
Overheard by: Sarah
The Trainables Take Manhattan
Tourist mom: Well, the sticker there next to the door says this is the 2029 train, find that on the map--
NY guy: This is the R train, and that is a bus map.
--R train
Overheard by: Angelo Colucci
Tourist woman: So what do you call this?
Tourist guy: The subway.
Tourist woman: Oh.
--1 train
Overheard by: B. Howard
Tourist mom: So we just wait and the trains come right here?
--1/2/3 34th Street station
Overheard by: Adele
A tourist couple gets on at Times Square. It stops at 72nd next.
Tourist girl: Is this our stop?
Tourist guy: No, they said to take it two stops, we've only gone one.
The train continues on to stop at 96th.
Tourist girl: Wait, is this near the stop for Grand Central Station?
--2 train
The train car had no air conditioning so the door between cars was kept open to let in a breeze. A lady steps on the train, stands near the opened door, and then closes it.
Seated lady: We need the air!
Standing lady: It's not safe.
Seated lady: It's too hot in here. We kept it open to get some air.
Standing lady: But it's not safe. I could get sucked out the door.
--2 train
Overheard by: Ebonita
"...are you busy after work?"
Stocker guy #1: Hey, listen to this.
Stocker guy #2: Yeah?
Stocker guy #1: So I'm driving home last night, and my cell phone rings. And it's a number that I don't recognize. I pick it up, and say, "Hello?" And there's this woman's voice, and she's like, "Is this Michael?" and I say, "Yeah." So I'm thinkin' it's that girl I met the other day, that I gave my number to. And she's like, "Did you meet a girl at 88th and 2nd?" And I'm like, "Yeah." "How old are you?" she asks. And I like, I say, "I'm 34", but I'm really 44. And then she's like, "Well, she's 15. This is her mother."
--Food Emporium, 87th & Madison
You Might Know Us as the Detarded
Girl: I'm an atheist.
Guy: What's an atheist?
Girl: It means I don't believe in God.
Guy: They have a word for that?
--Nectar Coffee Shop, 79th & Madison
I'm Not Familiar with That Fisting Euphemism
Girlfriend: So let me get this straight, you think that God used the tiger to punish Roy?
Boyfriend: I think it's possible.
Girlfriend: I can't believe I'm dating you. What's wrong with you, you have gay friends.
Boyfriend: Whoa, do you think I'm some sort of right-wing nut? I have no problem with gays. God punished him for dabbling in the black arts.
Girlfriend: Oh...huh?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Peter Lucas
Not So Fast, Lady; Let's Go Back to "Dead Body"
Guy: The train car smelled like a dead rat today, I swear.
Woman: I know. It stays in your nose. It's like a dead body. When you smell rotting flesh, it stays with you no matter what you do. Same with skunk.
--Office, 35th & 8th
There's a Name for Women Who Are Professionals in Alleys
Girl #1: I don't know what kind of atmosphere! I just want something professional and sophisticated.
Girl #2: "Professional" and "sophisticated". Excuse me while I go smoke an L in an alley behind the stock exchange.
--14th & 9th
No, Arm & Hammer
Yuppie guy #1: Armagnac?
Yuppie guy #2: Yeah, armagnac. It's pretty much like cognac.
Yuppie guy #1: And it's made by Armani?
--Varick & Franklin
Overheard by: Timothy Wilson
If You Axe Me, It Sure is a Secret
Guy: Where do you fall in the debate over wearing deodorant versus body odor?
Girl: Um, I didn't realize there was a debate.
--70th & York
The FCC Demanded a 10 Minute Delay
Drunk girl #1: Oh my God I so know what you are talking about! Wait, you guys were talking about anal sex right?
Drunk girl #2: Uh no, we stopped talking about guys ten minutes ago.
--Red Sky, E. 29th Street
Seems Like Some Weirdly Localized Racism to Me
Girl: Did you just call him a dirty Guatemalan?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Are you sure you didn't have the wrong number?
Guy: I don't know what the fuck is going on.
--Chip Shop, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Domi
The Chrysler Just Got That Much More Beautiful
Tourist guy: What's that building over there?
Tourist chick: That's the Empire State Building, silly.
Tourist guy: Oh...yeah.
--Empire State Building observation deck
Overheard by: Nicholas West
"This phone stinks. The reception is really shitty."
Clerk lady #1: So, like, my kid dropped my cell into the toilet last week.
Clerk lady #2: Oh yeah?
Clerk lady #1: I had to recharge it for over a week before it worked.
Clerk lady #2: Hmm.
Clerk lady #1: When I made a call to my friend, it was all static. And the buttons didn't work. A few days later my kid picks the phone up and says: "I threw your cell in the toilet! Ha ha!"
Guy: ...you took it out of the toilet first, right?
--Duane Reade, 49th & 9th
Overheard by: BBW
If Only He Knew How to Use the Web, and to Read
Meathead #1: I hate Union Square. There is too many of those...what do you call 'em, beatniks?
Meathead #2: You mean yuppies?
Meathead #1: Yeah, that's it.
--53rd & Broadway
If It's Not Hairspray It's Horseshit
Tourist mom: What Broadway show should we see?
NY guy: Well, Wicked is good.
Tourist mom: I got five kids with me. You think I'm gonna pay? I meant what Broadway show can we see that we don't have to pay for.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Peter Shankman
They Couldn't Have Known the Wallet Wasn't Loaded
Suit #1: We should join the citywide watergun assassination competition!
Suit #2: Great, then we can worry about the cops.
Suit #1: Oh come on, it's waterguns.
Suit #2: Cops have killed over less.
--Old Slip office
Overheard by: Kevin
Hold Your Breath Until You Solve Unified Field
Girl #1: Being doped up on allergy medication probably isn't the best time to confront an ex, right?
Girl #2: Right, definitely not.
Girl #1: And I probably only want to because I'm too stupid to think otherwise. I really love being able to breathe, but I wish it wasn't at the price of my brain.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Rachael Swiss
Conversely, the Constitution Has Become Highly Devalued
Geek #1: Yeah, like all of his swords are national treasures!
Geek #2: Whoa.
Geek #1: Yeah, in Japan, they're like in museums and stuff.
Geek #2: Can you buy them?
Geek #1: National treasures! That would be like buying the Declaration of Independence!
--F train
It's a Down Payment Toward Freeing Those Pesky Alien Ghosts
A tourist stops in front of the Free Stress Test table.
Tourist lady: How much for the stress test?
Scientologist guy: 8 bucks.
--Times Square station
We Have Reached the High Point of "Uber" Usage
Girl: I don't know what it is that I love about Jewish guys, but they're so hot. I'm totally every Jewish mother's nightmare. I'm the ubershiksa.
--110th & Broadway
No Wonder That "R" is Backwards
Tween girl #1: Wow, like this is really high up.
Tween girl #2: Like wow.
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Dawn Furey
"I mean, he's not Christopher Reeve funny."
Girl #1: I used to throw these really great parties and I invited this paraplegic guy who liked to do comedy routines. So he started his routine, and this fat lady runs up and starts grabbing his ass--
Girl #2: Was he funny?
Girl #1: Well, I don't know, you know? He was just getting warmed up, and he kinda lost his flow when this woman started grabbing his ass and he couldn't really stop her...I guess he was sort of funny.
--7th & Leroy
She's Just Marking Time Until Bettie Page
Teen girl: I wonder what Marilyn Monroe does in her spare time.
Teen guy: Lie in her coffin?
--2 train
Attack of the Moongoloid 2: Luna's Revenge
Girl on cell: Mom! Guess what? We are having a full moon in New York tonight.
Girl #2: You so stupid...it's everywhere!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Jim Chambers
There's Nothing Really There to Tell
New mom #1: I've been constipated for the past three months.
New mom #2: Tell me about it.
--Madison Square Park
That's Only Half-cheating, Right?
Fat White drunk woman: Maybe you got it from someone in our building, or all those transvestites you fucked.
Sobbing Hispanic man: But baby, I didn't fuck that many, it's not my fault!
--Fordham Road, The Bronx
Depends on How Many mp3s It Could Store
Girl #1: What if you were so obsessed with Rent that you carried the CD around everywhere?
Girl #2: That's actually kinda cool.
Girl #1: And wore a cloak?
--Irving Plaza
Liar, Liar. Knickers. On. Fire.
Guy on cell: ...I'm fine, really. It was not a good time to come to London, though. The police are all running around looking worried. I should be back in New York in a few days.
--Duane Reade, Broadway & 84th
Overheard by: kenny
Do Those Sneakers Make Her Look Geeky?
Woman #1: That skirt was terrible. I looked like I just got off the boat!
Woman #2: What boat?
Woman #1: ...The boat from Ireland.
--Macy's
Introducing the New Comeback to Anything
Girl #1: ...so I like tried it last night, and it wasn't that bad and all...not like great, but not too gross or whatever. But then he like, wanted to jackoff on my Pop-Tart today, and I was like, "Yuck, get out!"
Girl #2: Do you think these sneakers are geeky?
--Battery Park
Well, It Sure Isn't Herbie: Fully Loaded
Surrounded by four teenage girls, Matt Dillon can only ask: Do you even know what a movie is?
--86th & Columbus
He's a Referee, Not an Umpire
Dude: Do you have baseball cleats?
Store guy: What?
Dude: Baseball cleats.
Store guy: What are those?
Dude: Shoes that you play baseball in, they have spikes on the bottom...do you carry any?
Store guy: No, I don't think so.
--Foot Locker, 34th & 6th
Overheard by: Adam Hill
Wednesday One-liners Went There
Woman: All right, but you've really got to stop smoking once you start showing.
--14th & 7th
Guy: We were going by and her mom said, "Hey Mindy! Jumprope! Want to
pee?".
--Suffolk Street rooftop
Teen girl on cell: Things have changed. We're not even friends anymore; she's like this expensive tampon-wearing, stuck-up slut. So what if she can afford Tampax Pearl, I'm still better than her!
--49th & Broadway
Bored woman on cell: Yes baby, that's the spot, I'm coming.
--F train
Jewish JHS boy: My older brother keeps calling me a pussy and telling me I have to play sports. He's such a douche.
--S train
Overheard by: Jennifer Smith
Teenage girl: But I think it's always a bad sign when you see blood floating in the ocean, whether it's actually whale menstrual fluid or not.
--Macy's
Overheard by: djlindee
The DEA Endorses Wednesday One-liners
Sorority girl: No, really. My brother took acid, thought he could fly, and jumped out our second story window. This really happened.
--Columbia University Library
Overheard by: Michael Niederman
Hipster guy: I love fried chicken and cocaine.
--11th & B
Guy: Yeah, alcohol...It's my anti-drug.
--45th & 9th
Overheard by: teo
Wednesday One-liners Have Their Boarding Passes Ready
Tourist mom: First the Muppets took Manhattan, now us!
--Marriott Marquis, Times Square
Overheard by: G. Star
Tourist lady: What floor are the Renaissance paintings on?
--MoMA
Guy: ...it's the same as terrorism. If we're against terrorism, then we're against tourism.
--50th & 8th
Overheard by: B. Howard
Tourist guy: I'll have two of your ordinary coffees for purchase.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Penn Station
Overheard by: devila
Aussie woman: Excuse me...Can you tell me how to get to Greenwich Village?
--5th Avenue & 8th Street
Tourist lady: ...and then we went to that big church. You know, the big one? St. Peter's. The one the Kennedys went to. It's on 5th street. It's, like, the largest church in the world or something.
--Central Park East
Tourist guy: Oh, we definitely saw all the important things in the city today. I think the best was F.O.A. Schwartz though.
--Mulberry Street
Overheard by: Bernie Mc
Tourist guy: Hey, is that Central Park?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Chris Ghirardi
Tourist chick: Hey, is that Central Park?
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Beks
Tourist boy: Mom! We're almost at double-u twenty-four street!
--M20 bus
Girl on cell: Let's wear matching polo shirts and film each other eating with handheld digital cameras! Oh sorry, I'm in Times Square, and I was beginning to think that kind of behavior was normal.
--Times Square
Teen tourist boy: This ain't no Chinatown. Shit.
--Broadway & Broome
Overheard by: Aileen Gallagher
The Darker Side of Wednesday One-liners
Woman: You need to swim as much as possible to keep the evil away.
--Riverbank State Park
Guy: Don't they have a special section for people in jail?
--Hallmark, 23rd Street
Overheard by: nj
Grandfather: If you don't listen, I'm never taking you anyplace else dangerous again.
--Belvedere Castle
Guy: Yeah, I had to put my foot down. I decided it's not okay for my kids to play with firearms anymore.
--4 train
Suit on cell: Blood is very, very chic.
--85th & Lexington
Overheard by: Harri
Guy on cell: How should I know who's going to be there?...Why do you care who's going to be there? It's a funeral, not a fucking social event.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ciaran
Woman on cell: Dude, I have a shagadelic aura, because they fucked all night when they were here. That's why I sold them.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Selenay
Suit: Man, I was upstate last week, fuck that clean air shit.
--62nd & Columbus
Overheard by: Tabitha
Guy: We're all Cannabis. We get the chance, we'll eat each other.
--Kudo Beans, 1st Avenue
Queer: Oh, I forgot to fucking tell you. I sold my soul for $150.
--Christopher Street
They Have Wednesday One-liners Overseas
Light-skinned woman: Shit, you don't know who I am; I'm black as far as you're concerned. I could be from South Africa and shit and have seen worse things that you could imagine. Or I could be from Ireland and have gone through some Protestant shit.
--Jay Street station
Girl on cell: So I went up to my Professor just now? And I was telling him I've chosen a country for my project. He was like, "Africa? That's not a country." I was like, "Come on, what was all that Live 8 stuff about, then?". He was just like, "Never mind. Africa is fine."...Yeah, totally.
--The NYU Bookstore, Washington Place
Aussie guy: ...no, see, goats in Australia are feral because they are an alien species. They just dropped them on every island in case people got shipwrecked. Then there'd be food. Problem was no one ever got shipwrecked.
--6 train
Overheard by: Kirstin Liu
Still Too Much Wednesday One-liners Information
Woman on cell: He wants a confetti cannon? A goddamned confetti cannon? No, I'm not...He is not getting a confetti cannon at the pier! I...Well, I like battery-operated dildos, but that doesn't mean I'm getting one that shoots confetti all over the goddamned pier!
--William & Pine
Girl: So I told her, "I don't think I've ever spooned with my mother before. No funny business."
--Penn Station
Overheard by: ladolce
Man: Make sure you lick it a lot, then just stick it in. I'm telling you, I know. I've had my finger up many straight guys' asses. Remember? I was in a fraternity.
--Prince Street rooftop
Overheard by: LJ
Chick on cell: I told that bastard I'd burn in hell before I fucked his ugly ass...in a nice way.
--Fluffy's Cafe, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: Tabitha Graves
Girl: The only part I liked is when they were fucking in the back.
--7th Avenue & 13th Street
Girl: ...so I Googled the rash to find more information about it. His friend told me he got it from bumping and grinding, but I just wanted to make sure I was safe.
--2nd Avenue & 4th Street
Overheard by: Cathleen Stumps
You Can't Spell Wednesday One-liners Without TMI
Suit on cell: And your penis is bigger now?
--68th & Lexington
Guy: I'm being totally honest, you guys...I pulled my groin playing ping pong.
--51st & Lexington
Overheard by: Mike Barish
Lady: Well, I don't think he realized I was a hooker!
--73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Sandro Olivieri
Girl on cell: So he was a big guy, and he was pretty big, but not that big, but I'm, like, tiny, so we tried, but it wouldn't go in. Are you listening to me? No, it wouldn't fit...what could I do? I dropped to my knees and did what I could, but we just won't work.
--West Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Darby O'Gill
Mustache: I walked in and it was clearly a gang bang gone awry.
--Dive bar, 96th Street
Those Wednesday One-liners Ain't Got No Home
Hobo: Punch me in the face! $20! Pay $20 to punch me in the face!
--11th & A
Overheard by: Ben F
Hobo: Can you help me out? You ain't no brother, but you a cousin. And a white man said, "Ask not what your cousin can do for you, ask what you can do for your cousin." What can you do for me, man?
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: iiams
Hobo: Can anyone spare some change, or some food, an apple, a banana, a bacon and cheese omelet with hash browns?
--R train
Hobo: Miss, can I have a quarter so I can call you later?
--57th & 7th
Overheard by: CK Allen
Hobo: Damn, man! We got enough here for a bottle o' vodka...and you want wine?
--Avenue A between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Dave McKenna
Hobo: If you don't have any money, but you're really attractive, just give me a hug and we'll call it even.
--F train
Overheard by: Fiona Lee
Wednesday One-liners Hate Beacon's Closet
Man ...you better get in, nobody over 30 is allowed to walk here anymore.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Sam Cohen
Old man: It's like crap without a toilet! Goddamn rock and roll generation! Get the fuck out of here before I shoot every last one of you!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: nj
Hipster guy: I had so many magical adventures here last summer, it's not even funny.
--Williamsburg
Girl: Yeah, and I mean a lot of rumors about me are true, but that one isn't.
--Union pool, Williamsburg
Wednesday One-liners Mispronounce Zoology
Woman: Oh my god, I love my cat. My cat is my reason for living. My cat is like a dog, only in cat form...
--34th & 8th
Hawker guy: AM New York! The rooster of newspapers! Find out why I'm a cock-a-doodle-do-ing!
--42nd & Lexington
Suit on cell: I can't wait to get back to Boston. This town is like an elephant graveyard for my exes. Yeah, instead of elephants, all my exes come here to rest.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt Murdock
Girl: I hit a firefly driving up there and my windshield was all gooey, slimy and shiny...so I thought of you.
--Washington Square
Queer: Ohmigod, I thought that was the ugliest baby in the world, but it's a bulldog.
--West 4th & Cornelia
Overheard by: Raphael
Girl: I've never been pooped on. At least not by a bird.
--71st & 1st
Guy: ...yes, I'm going to put that in my octopus.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Jenny + Pete
Girl: Whoa, it smells like hamster piss right here.
--1st & 1st
Teen boy: Man, next time I see him, it's over. I'll throw worms on his ass if I have to.
--Fordham Road
Crazy guy: Want to see my website? It'll cost you. Want to see it? $100. Naw, you don't have that sort of money. I need to jazz it up. It has pictures of dead animals on it.
--D train
Overheard by: Taybin Rutkin
Dude, Vegans Don't Eat Meat
Woman: So how was the blind date?
Man: Ugh, you know. He's tall, white, and a vegan. The same as every man in this world.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Mike Drucker
Or What Some Call "Clinton Democrats"
Petition guy: Hi, are you a registered Democrat?
Dude: No, sex offender.
--20th & 1st
One Guess, Brainiac 5
Guy #1: Sam better on his way to this meeting too.
Guy #2: Let me call the office and check if he's left yet...Sam, what's up, man? Where are you?
--E train
We Were, and We've Overheard Quite Enough
Preppy guy #1: I want to go to my country house this weekend.
Preppy guy #2: I was going to ask you if you wanted to go to my beach house with me.
Preppy guy #1: ...Listen to this conversation we're having right now.
--26th & Lexington
Overheard by: raic
Tip of the Day: A Virus is Not Bacteria
Hipster girl: Baby what's that smell? Is that your feet?
Hipster boy: What? I don't know, probably.
Hipster girl: Oh my god. The smell, I can't take it.
Hipster boy: It doesn't smell as bad as the old cooter did the other night when we were screwing. You didn't hear me say anything when you shoved my face into that crockpot of bacteria.
--F train
Overheard by: Gracelyn
John the Apostle Only Alludes to It Cryptically
Guy: There's a Bennigan's here now?
Girl: Sure, New York's getting everything: Bennigan's, Outback, Applebee's, Chevy's.
Guy: Who knew the four horsemen of the apocalypse were chain restaurants?
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: Amanda
Scenes from the Free Concerts
Man: Of course you have to pick the row with the cripple. I can't get up now because I'll feel bad that she has to use her cane every time!
Woman: Frankly, I didn't even notice.
Man: Yeah, till you kicked her cane!
--Prospect Park Bandshell
Girl: Excuse me!...Would you guys keep it down? I am trying to listen to the band!
Guy: Oh, I am sorry...Would you mind crossing your legs? I am trying to enjoy the outdoors.
--Prospect Park Bandshell
He Acts Like He Doesn't Enjoy the Sex with the Men
Woman: Your brother's an actor? That's so nice.
Man: Yeah, he's really good. It's a great play.
Woman: What's the role?
Man: He plays this gay man who faces his own death.
Woman: Awww...
Man: But, I mean, he's no faggot or anything. My brother's just a really good actor.
--St. Mark's & 3rd Avenue
If You Pee Yourself on the Train, Al-Qaeda Has Won
Brit husband: I can't believe this isn't air conditioned.
Brit wife: Well, this isn't London...just pretend it is a sauna.
Brit husband: I can't. It smells like piss and sweat, not cedar.
--1 train
What Do You Think She Meant, Pervert?
Chick: ...so she was sleeping with the animals.
Guy: She was sleeping with the animals?
Chick: 'cause she wasn't really part of the circus.
--Washington Square SW
Still More Insightful than Ann Coulter
Teenage girl #1: Yo I heard they have, like, a...circle, and they think it's art.
Teenage girl #2: Shit's retarded.
--in front of MoMA, W. 53rd Street
Overheard by: David Last
Fat guy: Yeah, this O'Connor thing is really big. Most people don't know this, but the Supreme Court has the final say over all laws that are passed. I think they approve it before even the President does. Like I said, it's big.
--Florent, Gansevoort Street
Overheard by: Hampton Catlin
I Thought It Went: Love, Marriage, Baby in Carriage
Guy: Bitch took everything...my watch, my ring, the ring she bought
me...she took the ring I bought her. She came and took everything.
Baby carriage lady: I told that bitch go ahead, take everything, she could have all that. 'cause you know what? I have your
husband.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: remyzero
Someone Has to Weed Out the Starving Elderly
White woman: Cough it up, Sadie! Cough it up!...Why would people put chicken bones in the garbage?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Carrie McLaren
Where's Carnac When You Need Him?
Guy #1: What did you say?
Guy #2: What do you think I said? "That ain't shampoo, it's maple syrup."
--1st between 74th & 75th
Overheard by: The Iron Lung
She's Actually Much Closer to a Platypus
Girl: She's hot.
Guy: She's got a mouth like a duck.
Girl: But a hot duck.
Guy: Oh sure, the hottest duck in the pond, but still a duck.
--44th & 8th
Memento 2 Falls Far Short of the Original
Sandwich guy: Hey there pretty girl, you want your usual turkey sandwich?
Girl: Yes, please.
Sandwich guy: You're the mayo girl, right?
Girl: No, mustard. So have you learned my sandwich yet?
Sandwich guy: Yes, of course. Ham?
Girl: No, turkey.
Sandwich guy: Lettuce and tomato, right?
Girl. No tomato.
Sandwich guy: Swiss cheese, right?
Girl: No, cheddar.
Sandwich guy: You said mayo?
--97th & Amsterdam deli
Quit Lying, You Horny Prick
Lanky guy: I really don't like these new jeans you got me. They're way too tight in the waist and legs, but baggy in the butt, and at least two inches too short. Plus they're boot cut, and I don't wear any boots!
Girl: Those are my jeans.
Lanky guy: Oh. Well, that would explain the lack of room in the crotch, then.
--64th & Lexington
Overheard by: Adria
Blogga, Please
Chick: Excuse me, are you Lindsay the blogger?
Stephanie Klein: No.
--Loews Lincoln Square, West 68th Street
It Took Us a Minute to Get It Too
Man: Could you tell me where the self-help section is?
--Barnes and Noble, Union Square
As This Site Proves Daily, Stupid is Not a Crime
Tourist lady #1: Hey look, there's the Statue of Liberty!
Tourist lady #2: Then that must be Alcatraz!
--flight into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Jennifer
Tourist lady: Will we get to stop off at the Statue of Liberty on this bus trip?
--49th & Broadway
Overheard by: Brooke Rachel
What an Explosive Question
Hasid: Excuse me, are you Jewish?
Hipster: Excuse me, are you Muslim?
--Williamsburg
Man That Would Make a Great Yearbook Quote
Guy #1: We were talking about philosophy, and his ideas are just crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah, philosophy is not a good idea.
--Haru Sushi, Park Avenue
Overheard by: FunnyGirl
Next Stop: Put in Your Place Street
Girl #1: I have an idea, why don't we keep the doors open so even more people can pack in? Are we close enough yet?
Guy: Yeah. I could start crowd surfing.
Girl #1: It just sucks being squeezed in like this. Especially when you have to get off at the next stop--
Guy: Like you are going to do.
Girl #1: --and people won't get out of the way. It's like they don't understand that you have to get off. This time I'm going to be like, "Bitches, get out of my way!"
Guy: Yeah.
Girl #1: I'm just trying to find one thing about this that doesn't suck and I've got nothing.
Guy: Me either.
Girl #1: This is a nightmare...It's so annoying to be forced to be so close to so many people in such a small space--
Girl #2: Yeah, it is really annoying, especially when you are forced to hear someone else's conversation.
Guy: Whoa! What timing.
--L train
Unfortunately Your Idiocy Has Been Immortalized
Brooklyn chick #1: He's totally self-destructive.
Brooklyn chick #2: Yeah, I know, but so am I, just in a different way, ya know? I'm only self destructive to me, not to other people... wait, forget that I just said that.
--F train
Overheard by: Natalie P.
I Don't Think Twinkies Wake Up Next to Girls
Girl #1: So I woke up with beans and rice in my bed again.
Girl #2: Hmmm, it sounds like the Mexican food fairies paid you another visit last night. I hate when that happens...you know, when I wake up next to a Twinkie.
--46th & Lexington
"Dee, you OK? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Woman #1: She called to say she was sorry for hooking up with my ex.
Woman #2: How surprised were you?
Woman #1: I literally dropped dead as soon as she said it.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Dee McCallum
Make Sure You Don't Spill His "Thetans"
Girl: Do you know if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will have a Scientology themed wedding?...I wonder what that would be like?
Guy: You probably kneel down on the altar after the vows, suck L. Ron Hubbard's cock, and then pay him for it.
--L train
Overheard by: Aaron Booth
Cue Nostalgic Bouncing Montage
Middle-aged guy: So yeah, after I broke my ankle playing racquetball, I can't really play basketball anymore.
Old guy: Well, can you still go hiking?
Middle-aged guy: Yeah, I guess so, since it's not like, high impact.
Old guy: ...What about trampolines?
Middle-aged guy: Naw, man. Those days are over.
--A train
Overheard by: Aryn M
I Think That Word Doesn't Exist in India
Guy: So, Indian food?
Girl: Do you think in India, they just call it food?
--2nd Avenue & 6th Street
They Should Have Let Him Run With It
Guy: Do you think I should have a K at the beginning of my name?
Girl #1: What?
Guy: Well, you know how trendy people have a silent letter in their names sometimes. I think I want to do that. Just put a K at the beginning.
Girl #2: ...Then your name would be KShawn.
Girl #1: No one would leave the K silent you idiot. They'd call you "Kuh-Shawn."
Guy: Why are you laughing?...Oh, is it too ethnic?
--Bowery Ballroom
She's Going to Do It-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named
Little girl: But I'm not on line for Harry Potter; I want to go to the bathroom!
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Especially That Electric Bifocal Lush Franklin
Girl on cell: You know, you ought to cancel your July 4th party and make it happen on July 16th so I can crash...What do you mean, July 4th only happens once? July 16th could be July 4th. Just buy some illegal fireworks, put on some American pops orchestral music, and barbeque some chicken, and there you go...I'm sure our forefathers were still celebrating on July 16th. They were probably wasted off of their asses!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Megan C.
That's Clearly What's Written There
White guy: Yo, what up my nigga?
Black guy: Chillin', bro.
White chick #1: Did you hear what he just said?
White chick #2: Yeah, but it's OK, he said nigga, not nigger.
--Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Uncle Ray Ray
He Forgot and Left Home Without It (and His Pants)
Cashier dude: The only credit cards we accept are American Express.
Old guy: Do you take Visa?
--Costco, LI City
Assholes Kind of Speak a Universal Language
Fat lady: Do you understand English?
Guy: I do and you sound like an asshole.
--7 train
Just Go On Oprah and Have a Meltdown
Guy #1: Hey, how was your weekend?
Guy #2: Pretty good. I met her mother on Sunday.
Guy #1: Wow, great. Did you tell her that you two got married?
Guy #2: No, not yet. We'll tell her we're engaged next week and go from there.
--Esperanto Cafe, MacDougal Street
The Dangers of Making Love in Front of the Robots
Man #1: What happened?
Man #2: I was straddling her, and then everyone got turned on.
--Washington Heights
One New York Minute, Biotech
Tourist lady: Can I get an all day subway pass?
Token booth guy: Sure, $7.
Tourist lady: How long will that last?
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Why Children Should Be Neither Seen nor Overheard
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the shoe say to the foot? How's it footin'?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the bus say to the street? How's it streetin'?
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the airplane say to the building?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Boy #1: Hello, I'm gonna crash into you now.
--M60 bus
Overheard by: marisa
Yes, the General is Clearly a Wigger
Construction worker #1: Yeah, brotha. That's what I'm talkin' about. That's what you call a "White nigga".
Construction worker #2: You said it. Colin Powell ain't nothin' but George Bush's bitch.
--Hudson & Canal
Overheard by: Auhsoj Semaj
Talk About Rebuilding Downtown
Punk boy: Which way is Delancey Street?
Stoop guy: That's Delancey.
Punk girl: Well, they must have moved it then.
--Essex between Delancey & Rivington
Looks Like Martha's House Arrest is Over
Suit: Excuse me. You know, if you wouldn't stand in the doors, we could all get on and get off a lot faster.
Woman: Shut the fuck up, bitch.
--A train, Jay Street station
Overheard by: David Wood
If They Were Making Out, Would That Make It Worse?
Hipster #1: I mean, dude, one bar, two ex-girlfriends? That is totally uncool.
Hipster #2: Totally.
--Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden, Astoria
Overheard by: Ian Wheeler-Nicholson
I Think Andy E-mailed Them a JPG
Two guys pass a poster for a Basquiat exhibit.
Guy #1: Is he dead?
Guy #2: Yes. He had AIDS.
Guy #1: How do they know what he looked like?
--Houston & Thompson
Been There, Done Them
Naked chick #1: I tried to call you Sunday, but your boyfriend said you were taking a nap.
Naked chick #2: Oh, why?
Naked chick #1: Well, I was reading Craigslist and this guy said he'd give someone $100 for 14 pills of tetrazepam and I was like, "Wait a minute, I have that!"
Naked chick #2: So you were calling to ask me if you should sell drugs over the internet?
Naked chick #1: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Naked chick #2: Was there anyone on there offering money for a blowjob?
Naked chick #1: Um, no.
Naked chick #2: Because that's another career option I wouldn't recommend.
--14th Street Y sauna
Overheard by: klingrap
They Got Shrimp Rolls and Egg Rolls for You
Lady: Do you have a sushi menu?
Waiter: This is a Chinese restaurant.
Lady: ...So no sushi?
--Suzie's, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Joey
Goth v. Preppy: The Archie Paradigm
Girl #1: So, like, I'm deciding between these two guys. One's really hot, and like, Goth and stuff--he listens to Cradle of Filth--and the other's all preppy and sweet.
Girl #2: Uh huh. That's so Tess of the d'Urbervilles.
Girl #1: Uh huh. And so, I'm all conflicted. The preppy one's so sweet! He's trying to get me not to do drugs. He's all, "Don't do heroin!"
Girl #2: That's sweet, I guess. Wait: do you do drugs?
Girl #1: Well, no. I might have done pot once, but I was so wasted I couldn't tell.
--The Strand
Still Funnier and Less Repetitive Than SNL
Intercom: Que?
UPS guy: UPS.
Intercom: Que?
UPS guy: UPS.
Intercom: Que?
UPS guy: U. P. S.
Intercom: Que?
* (I am not kidding...this went on for about 3 minutes.)
--Prospect Heights
Overheard by: Stacey duda
Amen, Brother. Amen.
Guy #1: Hey, would you like a free cd?
Guy #2: Eh...
Guy #1: Do you like Led Zeppelin and Monty Python's Flying Cir--
Guy #2: Oh hellll no.
--Williamsburg
Someone Should Complain to Her Soup-ervisor
Bag lady: Ladies and gentlemen, my husband and I are homeless. We can't stay at our shelter during the day so we come on the train to get food. Today we are asking for money so we can do laundry. Anything you can give will help.
Hobo: Why don't you just admit that you're gonna buy crack? I'm in the same line of work, don't believe her.
--N train
Don't Feel Bad for Santos' Little Helper
Guy: I'm doing a house in the Hamptons, but I only know one person, this one girl. So I get an e-mail to meet everyone for drinks on Thursday, and I look at the names and it's girl girl girl, girl girl, Santos, girl girl girl...and I'm like, "OK, am I the only guy in this house?". And she said there's a couple other guys coming out for 1 or 2 weekends. So I'm like, "OK, all girls, that's cool. Are they cute?" and she says, "Yeah, they're all cute." So I said, "Well, I'm not matching the first couple weeks, they'll think I'm gay!" She said, "Yeah don't match, they'll think you're gay." So I'm not matching. Plus they're going to see "Santos" and think I'm freakin'...card-carrying...freakin'...off the boat, just swam the...freakin' Florida canal...from Cuba or something.
--V train
Overheard by: kt
I Don't Think That Yellow AIM Guy Has Genitals
Drunk chick #1: You like acronyms.
Drunk chick #2: And making out.
Drunk chick #1: You should marry someone who has a job making acronyms.
--9 train
Wednesday One-liners Are Braindead
Chick: The problem with reading is that you can't do it when you're fucked up.
--31st & 2nd
Woman on cell: I'm so, like, a vegetarian, for real you know? But only, like, on Wednesdays.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Angela
Guy on cell: Dude did so much K that he turned into Terri Schiavo.
--Union Square
Chick: I know this guy who's perfect for you...he's a complete idiot.
--Columbia University
Guy: Wow, I didn't even know things existed here.
--Port Authority, 2nd Floor
Guy: Well at one point he took off his boots, a while later tried to put them back on. I told him that they were the wrong feet. Then he looked at me and said, "No...these are my feet."
--Hank's Saloon, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Kimberly Handle
It Didn't Work Out with Wednesday One-liners
Woman on cell: For five years you wouldn't marry me because your mother was sick. Well, your mother's fucking dead and you still won't marry me!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Robbie
Goombah: So what? I went and had a couple beers with Junior! You know what? Fuck you, bitch! I want you outta my house when I get home!
--Brooklyn Heights
Man on cell: So what has changed from then to now?...of course! The vibrator! So that's it, huh?
--Central Park
Overheard by: jeannette
Guy: That's one of the reasons I had to dump her. I'd see all these
girls on the street and be like, "Hey now!"
--Broadway & Spring
Guy on cell: I moved all the way here and now you won't even marry me?
--Broadway & 57th
Let's Catch a Flick, Wednesday One-liners
Man: I charge you with this sacred drink, and with this straw: I call this straw Excalibur, straw of destiny.
--Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street
Overheard by: timothy wolfe
Bald man: See, the Joker was the first real villain Batman had to face...
--Le Pescadou, King Street
Overheard by: emdashes
Guy: Uh-uh. This nigga would be outta town. I see lightnin' goin off and holes in the ground. No way! I will grab my purse, a bottle of water, my sister, and my gun and get the fuck outta Dodge. Peace, aliens!
--Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street
Guy: There's really no way to tell someone that's the seat's taken without sounding like a complete douchebag.
--Loews Kips Bay, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Jonathan Weiss
May/December Wednesday One-liners
Girl: Man, this old dyke is digging on me, but I want some penis
these days.
--3rd between B & C
Guy: Man, old pussy is the best! She has 50 years of dick sucking experience.
--124th & Manhattan
Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer
Queer on cell: Ever since I lost my hair I've had 20 year olds chasing me around like I'm an ice cream cone.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Squatporpoise
Girl: Oh yeah, that guy you saw me with Sunday? He lets me watch him have sex with boys.
--NYU School of social work
Overheard by: Maggie
Wednesday One-liners Should See a Doctor
Chick on phone: Do you love your gynecologist? Because I don't. I'm not, like, thrilled. I need stability right now. It's like bing-bing-bing, you're done. Now tell me about your period and breastfeeding.
--Brooklyn Army Terminal
Woman: Oh no, she loves having surgery...
--Fresh Bites, 56th & 6th
Man on cell: It was like a little dagger, stabbing my eyeball...
--Madison Avenue office
Overheard by: Jonathan Harford
Woman: ...so my gynecologist said, "Why would you want to go to her? She's out of network!"
--Opia, E. 57th Street
Wednesday One-liners Are in the Wrong Line of Work
Jamaican lady: You fucker! I sell drugs for the Police. They call them dealers because they make deals. I made a deal. Do you pay me? Am I your employee? Fuck you, brush your teeth!
--F train
Overheard by: z0mb13
Guy on cell: I'm off today. I ran over one of the kids with the bus.
--72nd & 1st
Overheard by: Todd Horan
Trader: I'm almost wishing to come back in my next life as the Jewish wife of a Jewish husband.
--Madison Avenue office
Man on cell: She's got a summer job editing Harlequin romance novels. Yeah, which goes so well with...you know...her divinity degree.
--118th & Broadway
Security guard: One of my feet has five fingers less than the other one, but I don't claim disability. I work three jobs: model, actor and security guard, I'm not stopping until I make fifty-two million.
--F train
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Store chick: I'm just sampling the food so I can explain to customers why it's so expensive.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: jexe
Wednesday One-liners Are Grossly Mismarketed
Old Black guy: The thing about Girls Gone Wild is that most of them are strippers. Girls don't really go wild.
--D train
Overheard by: pixelvisions
Woman: One day they have Angelina sleeping with Tom Cruise, now they say she's with Brad.
--Food Emporium, Broadway & 68th
Hipster chick: You know, they have all these sodas with added lime flavor, but why don't they ever do Sprite with lime?
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Melissa
Huge guy: So he comes up to me and gives me the $600 that he owes me. I took one look at the bills and thought this was the worst counterfeit job I've ever seen so I beat the shit out of him...Did you know they have a new $100 bill?
--35th & 8th
Overheard by: Paul Ferris
Woman: Sometimes I see underwear I don't even understand.
--Victoria's Secret, 82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Pre-school teacher lady: If they didn't build the subway, we wouldn't have Home Depot or Lowe's.
--NY Transit Museum
Overheard by: Trix
Announcing Wednesday One-liners
Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to fucking get home. Please keep moving and do not just fucking stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.
--43rd & 7th
Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!
--N train
Overheard by: Gregorio
The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.
--A train
Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.
--M86 bus
Overheard by: Diane
Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It's that simple.
--S train
Conductor: That was a very dangerous thing that you just did with the cane.
--F train
Wednesday One-liners Are the New Lavender
Crazy guy: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Homosexuality! Heh heh heh.
--53rd Street station
Guy on cell: No, I'm waiting for the ferry...No, not him; the boat that goes into the city.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Overheard by: Chris Cotterman
Girl: She said she wasn't attracted to me! I mean, I'm straight as a goat, but...am I ugly?
--R train
Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian
Middle-aged guy: You know, somebody needs to tell gay men that they're not 17 year old girls.
--David Barton Gym, 23rd Street
Queer: For God's sake, be creative. We're gay!
--West Elm, 18th Street
Woman on cell: It's really gay outside right now.
--Bowery & 4th
Dude: I thought I saw Matt Damon; then I realized it was just a gay guy.
--Barrow Street
Crazy guy: And what do gay people do with the money they save on child support? The parade! They pay for the parade.
--53rd Street station
Is It Going to Work Out with Wednesday One-liners?
Woman on cell: Yeah, he told me the next day that he cried himself to sleep. I got so mad. I was like, "I don't wanna hear that shit!"
--Target, Atlantic Avenue
Overheard by: alex
Chick: Is it really cheating if it only happened once?
--26th & Lexington
Guy on cell: Look, I'm driving so I can't talk right now, ok? Good-bye...Fucking bitch, never leaves me alone.
--Burger King, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Girl: So are we breakin' up or what? It's getting late!
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: Mike
She Was Sucking Tit at Birth
Guy: So you started drinking young?
Girl: I started drinking at 11.
Guy: Wow, really?
Girl: I was smoking at 9.
--F train
Overheard by: Vito Delsante
Hmm, Tuba or Tumor?
Girl #1: Well, tomorrow is the Philharmonic in Central Park.
Girl #2: You wanna go?
Girl #1: Well I do, but I have my brain MRI.
--William street
Chef Boyardee Raped My Family
Girl #1: He was a great cook.
Girl #2: All the lunatics are, my dear.
--Vermicelli, 78th & 2nd
Self-worship is Still Prayer
Guy: Hey, can I get some cigarettes?
The newsstand man just rocks back and forth mumbling something.
Guy: Excuse me, can I get some cigarettes?!
Newsstand man: ...Yes, sir. Cigarettes. Sorry, I was praying.
Guy: Oh. I thought you were masturbating.
--Times Square newsstand
I'm Sure That's a Big Problem for You, Sir
Hobo #1: 100 years ago, America was full of real men! Real men who carried guns and wouldn't be afraid to shoot you!...Hey baby, what stop you lookin' for?
Hobo #2: She don't like you.
Hobo #1: Yeah she does! I know everything about women! Ya just don't marry them!
--53rd Street station
Overheard by: Dan
He is the Goddamn Stool Maker...Big Stool
Guy #1: Holy friggin' crap dude, do you see the size of that guy over there?
Guy #2: Yeah. You see what he's eating?
Guy #1: What is that, a salad?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: Well hats off to him for at least trying to eat like a normal person.
Guy #2: Are you kidding? Hats off to the goddamn stoolmaker.
--Village Lantern, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Douglas
Freedom Fries with Mussolini
Girl #1: So when I was in Italy, I went to France.
Girl #2: What did you do there?
Girl #1: I went to the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Girl #2: Still Italy.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: Yeah. So what did you do in France?
Girl #1: I guess I didn't go to France, then...
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Jesse Patrick
He's Clearly Just Labelled "Guy"
Guy: Hey, how you doin'?
Bum: Ah, shit. It's the White man!
--116th & Amsterdam
She Didn't Mean Height
Girl: I'd fuck a big midget.
Guy: A big midget is a normal person.
--St. Mark's between 1st & A
Overheard by: Lindsay
It's Michael Malice and I'm 29
Chick: Happy birthday!...What's your name?
--203 Spring, Spring Street
Don't Think About Splinters...Don't Think About Splinters
Girl: Yeah, I'm so hot, I have to beat guys off with sticks.
Guy: You beat guys off with sticks?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Chris Ghirardi
He Ate the Rest of His Litter
Guy #1: That's a cute dog.
Guy #2: Thanks, she's my daughter.
Guy #1: ...How is that possible?
Guy #2: Yeah, that's right: I gave birth to her, she came out of my vagina.
--98th & 5th
Putting Up Buildings, Tearing Down Builders
Construction guy #1: Hey, pretty boy! Whatcha got under that skirt?
Guy in skirt: Your girlfriend's fantasy.
Construction guy #2: Oh, shit. He got you there, dude.
--Broadway & 39th
I Suppose That Depends on Which Bunk
Hipster #1: ...I don't know dude, I wouldn't fuck her.
Hipster #2: What? Why not? She's hot!
Hipster #1: I don't like fucking 'em when they're taller than me. Feels too much like prison sex.
--F train
Right Before They Teach the Gum Brand Names
Teen girl #1: Yo, how you spell juicy?
Teen girl #2: I don't know; I dropped out of school 6 months ago.
--A train
I Really Hope That Wasn't a Freudian Slip
Little girl: ...but Mom!
Mom: Say it one more time, motherfucker!
--Pathmark, Cherry Street
Emeril Completes His Downward Spiral
Hobo: Excuse me, sir? You dropped some change.
Man: What? Where?
Hobo: Bam! In my cup!
--7th Avenue & 4th Street
Sounds Like You're Not a Model for Anyone
Pretty boy: Well, it's good money, but I don't want to do it too much, because I don't want people to think I'm like them.
Unpretty boy: Who, the other male models?
Pretty boy: I am not a male model! I am an actor! I just do it for the money.
Unpretty boy: Sure, sure, it's just a gig, man.
Pretty boy: I am not a male model!
--14th & 7th
Can You Overhear Me Now?
Woman: You don't get any overage? That's ridiculous. You got to switch to Cingular.
Man: But I hear the service isn't so good.
Woman: Yeah that's true, the service sucks. But at least you get overage.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Freaked Out on Skank: When a Hooker Calls Your Wife
Guy #1: Yeah man, she was all over me at that bar!
Guy #2: For real? Why?
Guy #1: She was either skanked out on E or freaked out on skank.
--B61 bus
Overheard by: mfs
Does He Mean That We're Baked or That We're Twisted?
Pretzel guy: Where are you from?
Man: I'm from here...I'm Jewish.
Pretzel guy: All Jewish people know where pretzels are from! What country do pretzels come from?
Man: I don't know, where do pretzels come from?
Pretzel guy: All Jewish people know where pretzels come from! I had a Canadian guy last week, I told him, "If you can tell me where pretzels come from, this one is free!" He told me, and I gave him his money back! He was Jewish. Come on, where do pretzels come from? All Jewish people know this!
Daughter: We're not observant.
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: elise
This Just Went from Bad Taste to Mindblowingly Bad
A boyfriend and girlfriend are making out publicly. She stares at his crotch.
Girlfriend: I think I see a suspicious package...
Boyfriend: Ooh, do you wanna detonate it?
Girlfriend: Well damn, not on the train, babe!
--2 train
We Tried That, and It Didn't Work Out So Hot
Yuppie: If we just let them kill the Jews we wouldn't have this problem. Then we could buy oil for $6 a barrel.
--A train
You Had Me and Then You Lost Me
Guy #1: He looked like a taller, more imposing Mikhail Gorbachev
Guy #2: Yeah, sans blotch.
--Times Square
Overheard by: TP
He's "Dating" Her as We Speak
Russian chick: I don't know why he's so pathetic that he resorts to lap dancing. I mean, come on, lap dancing! Is he really so desperate? He's a good-looking guy, I just don't understand how he could stoop so low!
Preppy guy: No no no, you misunderstand! He's not desperate, he's just into that sort of thing... you know, he's actually dating a porn star right now.
--84th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Mr. Sausage
Hmm...I Guess That Should Read "Queer"
Guy #1: How do you inhale the smoke like that?
Guy #2: You have to be able to breathe solely through your nostrils. I learned how by sucking a lot of dick.
--12th Street & 2nd Avenue
If Only He Could See What He Was Saying
A blind Black man with a Star of David is holding court.
Black man: The Pope is a faggot. They molested my kids. I want to go to church, but I can't because they molested my kids...now all White people are faggots.
Hispanic guy #1: How come they have kids?
Black man: Silence, you will wait until I have finished speaking...can't no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That's why we all in prison and they trying to kill us, but we will kill them. Can't nobody sing like Luther Vandross.
Hispanic guy #1: But--
Black man: Wait until I have finished...now the Hispanic people, like Dominicans and Cubans are also the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel...now you may address me.
Hispanic guy #2: What about Black Puerto Ricans, are they from the lost tribe?
Black man: I can't stand Black Puerto Ricans!
--West Farms bus stop, The Bronx
You Said It, Brother
Yuppie #1: She had a great rack.
Yuppie #2: Couldn't have been real.
Yuppie #1: Yeah, no way.
Yuppie #2: So you're a rack guy, huh?
Yuppie #1: Nah, I'm an ass.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: Debl Way