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July 2005 Archives
A Geico Commercial Waiting to Happen
Hobo: I'm sick of this city, I tell you. Please help me get out of here...Hey, did you just give me 2 pennies?
Guy: 3, actually.
Hobo: Ah, motherfucker! What the hell am I going to do with this?
--Times Square
You Know, Entertainment is Also Available in Book Form
White woman: Do you have a middle name?
Black guy: James. James Bond.
White woman: What?
Black guy: James Bond.
White woman: You're fired!
--Broadway & Cortlandt
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
You're Still Flaming
Man: Oh, man! Where have you been all my life?...Can I borrow your lighter?
Woman: Oh, thank goodness. I was like, "I'm flattered, but gay."
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: (The) Heather Red
Apparently, We Won't Never Forget
Tourist girl: We're here! Wow, this is it!
Tourist mother: No, I don't think it is. This isn't the Soup Nazi!...You, where's the Soup Nazi?
--Daily Soup, 54th Street
Girl: I've never been to that restaurant, I hear it's nice.
Guy: Yeah, it's got its own Nazi charm to it.
--30th & Lexington office
Southern girl: Why didn't you come, Daddy? That was our stop!
Southern dad: We'll ride this damn train till they tell us to get off.
--E train
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
Guy: This weather is like the Holocaust, except much much worse.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: mervis
Hmm...That is What an Evil Twin Would Say
Girl #1: My throat hurts. Does yours?
Girl #2: Um...no. Are we twins? Is it supposed to hurt?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: roc luch
Hard to Find a Place That Maps Don't Bother Listing
Midwestern girl: Man, New York stinks! "How was your trip to New York?" "It stinks!"
New York lady: Why don't you go back to where you came from, then?
--Times Square
Too Bad No One Reads It
Man: Oh, it is so good to hear English again.
Customs guy: Actually, I speak Brooklyn.
--JFK
Overheard by: Benjamin Silverberg
Orange You Glad He Didn't Say Banana?
Suit #1: Sounds like Bugsy Siegel.
Suit #2: Yeah.
Suit #1: You know who Bugsy Siegel is, right?
Suit #2: Sure, yeah.
Suit #1: You know who he is?
Suit #2: Yeah. Look--
Suit #1: You know who he is?
Suit #2: Yeah, yeah--
Suit #1: Who is he, then?
Suit #1: Who gives a shit?
--Broadway & Leonard deli
Overheard by: Mel
She Should Have Dropped "Y'know What I'm Sayin'?"
Asian girl #1: Who's that guy that's not Steve Harvey?
Asian girl #2: Cedric the Entertainer.
Asian girl #1: Yeah, he might have been in The Cookout.
Asian girl #2: Oh my God, that's so racist. "Who's that guy that's not Steve Harvey?"
Asian girl #1: Well, you knew who I was talking about!
--McDonald's, 85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Aisha Moore
How Sleeping with a Girl Can Still Be Gay
Guy: It was hot, I can't even tell you.
Girl: So you guys slept together?
Guy: Oh yeah, it was hot.
Girl: 'cause I talked to her this morning and she said you guys just cuddled and stuff.
Guy: Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant by sleeping with her. Y'know, spooning and shit.
--MetroTech Commons
You're Giving Yourself Too Much Credit
Girl #1: Oh my god there's too many people in this elevator! There's only supposed to be 10 people!
Girl #2: It's OK, I'm skinny. In my own reality I'm actually only half a person.
--Hotel Gansevoort, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
Yet It's OK for Him to Kill His Son...
Crazy lady: I hate my fucking mother and I want to kill her. I want to watch her bleed. She is a fat lazy bitch. She was nothing but a container!
Guy: God will not forgive you if you kill your mother. Can you also keep it down please?
--PATH train
Overheard by: JMK
Don't You Realize They Can't Hear You?
Announcement: ...and please remember to take your personal belongings with you...
Guy: Did you hear that? Personal belongings! Don't they know how redundant that is?
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
The Paramedics Were Too Late to Plug Her In, Plug Her In
Girl #1: ...so apparently she died from lysol poisoning--
Girl #2: Wow.
Girl #1: --yeah, she suffocated from one of those boxes that sprays air freshener. No oxygen could get in the room.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: J-Mo
How About Being Permanently Labelled as Such?
B&T Girl #1: He is so "not Westchester."
B&T Girl #2: I know!
B&T Girl #3: I don't get it. I've been here a year and I don't get that. And what is or who is "the bridge and tunnel crowd"? Is it a good thing that those guys called us "bridge and tunnel crowd" when we walked in?
B&T Girl #1: Eww.
B&T Girl #2: Gross.
B&T Girl #1: Ew, oh there is so no way anyone called me bridge and tunnel.
B&T Girl #3: So that's bad?
B&T Girl #2: What could be worse?
--Metro-North
Japanese Food Tastes of Pleasure
Chinese girl: I hate it when non-Chinese people make my Chinese food.
Puerto Rican guy: Yeah, when Chinese people make it, it tastes like greed.
Chinese girl: What did you say?
Puerto Rican guy: Relax. Italian food tastes like lazy complacency.
--49th & Broadway
"I did think that huge mint tasted funny."
Chick: Well, I didn't know it was the men's room.
Dude: What? The urinal didn't tip you off?
--Ear Inn, Spring Street
Overheard by: Jim Meskauskas
I'm Thinking Her Next Gig Will Be The Apprentice
MTV chick: The show is called Who Wants to be America's Sweetheart. But it's very hush-hush.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel Radosh
There's a Keebler Elf Graveyard Up in There
A fat girl's belly is pooling over the top of her jeans.
Guy: Hey, check out her muffin tops.
Girl: Dude, those aren't muffin tops; they're a whole cake explosion.
--N train
Overheard by: Tina
I Like It Better When They Talk About Starbucks
Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a condom.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Daniel
Girl: Don't let me talk to boys after I take blue pills.
--31st & 2nd
Girl #1: Sometimes he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.
--outside The Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Josh Neufeld
Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I wasn't really raped.
--Vertigo, 26th & 3rd
Yuppie chick #1: Sweetie, you're going to get raped dressed like that.
Yuppie chick #2: No. I have an umbrella.
--Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti
Someone, Put Her in a Maze Against Flipper
Guy: So you're saying tuna is really dolphin?
Lady: That's why it says "Dolphin Safe". It's safe to eat even though it's dolphin.
--Broadway & Worth
Well, You Guys Make for Great Lighters
Preppy guy: Hey, man, you got a cigarette?
Hobo: I'm fuckin' homeless and you're asking me for a cigarette?
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Matt
The Sickeningly Sweet Scent of Sodomy
Girl #1: What's wrong with you?
Girl #2: I am pissed at my roommate.
Girl #1: Why this time?
Girl #2: He had the nerve to wear my wig on a date again and when I asked him about it, the asshole lied.
Girl #1: How did you know he wore it?
Girl #2: It smelled like beer, cigarettes, and AnalEase again.
--6 train
Overheard by: Casey McKendrick
Translation: You're Going to Be a Daddy!
Fat lady: I wanna return this.
Store guy: Why?
Fat lady: Is too small, wanna large.
Guy: Receipt says you bought it a month ago; what happened to you?
Fat lady: I got pregnant, motherfucker!
--Foot Locker, Queens Mall
Overheard by: Steve Kinsella
Screaming Furnishings for Screaming Queens
Queer #1: Ooh, I love this rug! Look at it. Don't you want to put it outside the door like right now?
Queer #2: Ooh, yeah, right. I love the colors. They say: go away!
--Bed, Bath and Beyond, 18th & 6th
It's Magic in That It Didn't Crack, Fattie
Girl #1: My magic mirror told me I was looking thin today...and then I saw myself at work.
Girl #2: I know.
--36th & 7th
Overheard by: Selina
Everyone Blows Noodles When They're Really Drunk
Girl #1: Yo, that girl is nasty. She blew her dog.
Girl #2: No, she didn't. She and her Mamas had sex with Duquan together.
Girl #1: No! Trick! That wasn't her. She blew a dog. I saw it.
Girl #2: She blew Noodles?
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Anna May M. Abris
Got Some Hairy Wrists There, Do Ya?
Man: What's that black band on your wrist for? Everyone has those things now. Is it like Kabbalah? Or to cure cancer?
Woman: It's a hairband.
--Flight out of LaGuardia
Her Travelling Story was a Crock
Woman #1: And what about the vacation?
Woman #2: It was great. But I'm so glad to be back on firma terra cotta.
--42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Ellen Beckerman
You Can't Get Much More Out
Hobo #1: In Long Island, welfare pays your cable.
Hobo #2: For real? Get the fuck out.
--17th between 6th & 7th
"Waldbaum's, for one."
Hobo: Let me ask you something. How come White people don't buy from Black-owned businesses?
White guy: I do. All the time.
Hobo: Yeah? What Black stores do you shop at?
--Morningside Drive & 113th
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Or Not Very Subtle
Girl #1: ...uh, strapless?
Girl #2: Yeah? Which one?
Girl #1: You know you just asked me what strap on I bought, right?
Girl #2: Oh, shit. I'm not very smart am I?
--Victoria's Secret, Prince Street
Overheard by: Natalie
Careful, You Only Get to Use Him Once
Girl: Yesterday I weeded my terrace.
Boy: What?
Girl: I weeded my terrace.
Boy: Oh, I thought you said, "I needed my terrorist."
--Washington Square Park
It's Even Funnier If They Had
Doorman: Where is the building you're looking for?
Lady: It's on 40th.
Doorman: 40th and what?
Lady: I'm almost positive they said between Sixth and Avenue of the Americas.
--40th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: conor hogan
The Stalinists are Teaching Our Children
HS Girl #1: I've never heard of Latvia.
HS Girl #2: I've heard of it; I just don't think it's a real place.
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: andersonsmitty
Take a Deep Breath, Wednesday One-liners
Girl on cell: If you beat somebody up real bad and they press charges, how much time can you get for that?...No, if they press charges against you.
--Macy's
Overheard by: Katie C
Boy, 5: Lady, I'm gonna cut off your head and feed it to my family.
--14th & 2nd
Overheard by: djlindee
Not Quite a Match with Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Oh, excuse me!...Want to make out?
--Centre & Chambers
Overheard by: Chris
Older man: ...so they served these smaller things, like appetizers, in between the three main courses. You know how many they gave us? Four! There were four intercourses...
--West 53 Street office
Girl on cell: He shoots dope and smokes crack! I can't think of a worse person for you to sleep with!...well, yeah, I guess...
--81st & Madison
Girl: I'd blow him every day if he'd let me drive his beamer more.
--Sheep's Meadow
Tween girl: Shit, if I were 21, and he was like, "Yo, do you want some
beer?", I'd be like, "Shit, only if you got a hotel room." 'cause then
we could, like, go in it.
--Starbucks, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: marissa
Daily News guy: ...and I said, "Just take me now, bitch!"
--Bar 288, Elizabeth Street
DMV guy: Who's here for oral? Did anyone in this line sign up for oral?
--DMV, Atlantic Avenue Center
Overheard by: RMC
We're Considering Branding Wednesday One-liners
Woman: This is my favorite part...of the worst song ever.
--MTV Studios, Times Square
Man on cell: No, it is not like the time I farted at Target and blamed in on that old woman!
--22nd & Park
Overheard by: Bill Ray
Drunken yuppie guy: I want my Subway sandwich! I want my Subway sandwich! Tuna and onions! Yeah, you heard me. Girls love big cocks. Girls love big cocks! These girls know. I'm on...I'm on Comedy Central! I'm a redneck on Comedy Central! My name is Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! I'm from Texas where girls suck cock for a dime!
--32nd & 2nd
Woman: Did you hear Cooter wouldn't endorse that remake?
--7 train
Overheard by: Todd Horan
Guy: God, I feel like I'm trapped in a fucking Hallmark Card.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Shoshana
Latina: ...and he looks evil and the Princess is saying to him, "You are a good person" and he looks so evil and then she is with Obi King Wasabi and he said he is on the dark side and then the shorty guy--what is his name?--Yoga said, "He is on the dark side" and then Dark Wader he is with the cape and looks all angry and evil reminded me of me on Mondays.
--58th & Lexington
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
The Rainbow Flag Hangs Over Wednesday One-liners
Queer: That's why you never bring a drunk pussy to a gay club.
--17th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Robert
Girl on cell: But wait, was she gay or was she lesbian?
--8th & Broadway
Queer on cell: Pussy? You mean Pussy?...No?... No, I know Hibiscus...Is that the one with the boyfriend at the bar?...Pussy!...Well, are you the good witch or the wicked witch? Oh, I guess that won't work for you, you've never seen Wizard of Oz.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: mh
Girl: Oh my God, I hear heterosexual voices!
--18th & 8th
Older guy: I'm still trying to figure out who designed this bathroom. I mean, whoever designed this place wanted something up their ass.
--Pavilion movie theater, Park Slope
Overheard by: Daniel Radosh
Girl: Yeah, but I mean, this gay thing's gonna be in him forever...
--East Drive, Central Park
Woman on cell: Well, if he wears a dress shirt with really nice jeans, that makes it a little less gay for them.
--4th Avenue & 12th Street
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
RuPaul II: Mmm, I would suck spare rib outta his dick...sauce and all.
--Christopher Street
Guy: Yeah, I don't like lip rings that much. They get dirty too easily, y'know, from food and sucking cock...
--MacDougal Tattoo, Sullivan Street
Overheard by: gwen limbach
Chelsea boy on cell: Hey, honey, I saw you leave with that hot bartender last night. I'm coming over with a couple of videos and that vinaigrette I borrowed, and you're telling me everything.
--21st & 7th
Woman: Of course. I'm in and out of the closet all the time.
--Dojo, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Ellen
Girl on cell: So he told me that sucking cock didn't make him gay...and I said, "How's that if you never go down on me?"...fucking faggot!
--F train
Patsy Cline Sings Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: July 31st! July 31st is the deadline, everyone! You must write your letters of apology to Bush or he'll drop another bomb in the ocean and you can say "Good-bye" to Sri Lanka!
--17th & 8th
Overheard by: Edwin Lam
Crazy guy: Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard to find true love? Don't look at me like that. You want quiet? Go to the library. You think I want your money? I don't need your money! Look at all these dollar bills on my pants! If I want money, I just peel one off.
--6 train
Crazy guy: Fuck you and your stupid leg. You fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
--L train
Overheard by: Jonathan Farbowitz
Drunk old Black guy: ...people, we got these rhythms... rhythms that just don't connect. I got rhythms, and you girls have got rhythms, but can we dance together? No, no...we can't. That's what happened when the Black man came to America, babies. Black and white, we just can't dance, babies. But you girls should dance with me.
--13th & 6th
Crazy shirtless guy: Order in the court! Order in the court! Y'all is not guilty. Now get the hell outta here!
--Port Authority
Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels?
--M60 bus
Overheard by: Oz Skinner
Wednesday One-liners, Where Are You?
Guy on cell: Where am I? I'm always some place watching some crazy shit. I'm watching some motherfuckin' Indian shit, son. Some shit from some country. They're doing a rain dance, son. It's gonna motherfuckin' rain soon. They're doing a motherfuckin' rain dance, son. They're dancing and shit.
--St. Mark's Church
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
Woman: Where are all the restaurants?
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Kate
Woman on cell: Where am I? I'm at home; I'm just about to go down and get a cab. Where are you?
--Gristede's, 63rd & West End
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Driving guy: Is this Brooklyn?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Driving guy: Excuse me, which way is Manhattan?
--40th & Broadway
Girl: Excuse me sir, how do you get to Times Square?
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti
Man on cell: No, no. I'll never make it. I'm still in Jersey.
--85th & 2nd
Overheard by: JDH
OMG! It's Wednesday One-liners!
Priest: Please exit using the side doors as there are things going on in the front.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Overheard by: Bryant
Old lady: Jesus on a check? Oh well, I'm an atheist, so it doesn't really matter to me.
--E. 33rd Street office
Woman on cell: He can't hear you when you hate me...You hate me? Then he can't hear you! He can't hear you! He can't hear you! Jehovah can't hear you when you hate me!
--42nd between 10th & 11th
Woman: You know, they tell those suicide bombers they'll get 99 virgins when you get to heaven. 99 virgins! But if you blow yourself up in Brooklyn, you only get 50. Half off for Brooklyn.
--CVS, Harlem
Puerto Rican guy: Jesus loves you. I love you. I know you don't want to listen to me. I know about your bunny rabbit... Will you be one of the 144,000 chosen?...On July 30th we will all come together. I will wear a kippa. But you know you have to accept the savior...There are 632,000 lords...I will stop talking to you now. The Flintstones told me not to.
--4 train
Overheard by: Matt F.
Wednesday One-liners Are All Over the Map
Fat chick: Every single website, every newspaper, if it's under
$200,000, it's in China.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Drunk guy: So, where would you want to get your gall bladder taken out: France or New York?
--1st Avenue & 3rd Street
Overheard by: Lisa H.
Girl: Oh, look. It says, "I Heart Someone in Austin"!...Oh...with autism. Never mind.
--W. 249th & Independence, The Bronx
Overheard by: Bianca Townshend
College girl: The real reason I went to San Francisco is that I wanted to go to Japan, but that was as far as I could afford.
--14th Street 1/2/3 station
Overheard by: Kevin Sheldon
Girl:...so do you actually eat Lucky Charms in Ireland?
--Wall & Broad
Overheard by: David McG
Guy: Is that a cruise ship? Oh no, wait. It's New Jersey.
--Sunset Park rooftop
Overheard by: c dub
Smells Like Wednesday One-liners
Girl: Don't walk me behind me, I'm about to fart.
--Times Square station
Girl: God, it smells like an armpit farted in here.
--Rififi, E. 11th Street
Overheard by: Miso
Guy on cell: Baby, baby, please, listen, I just, I'm almost there, c'mon, I'm comin' up on your building now, baby, don't be like that! Look out the window and you'll see me! Shit, you can smell me, baby.
--12th & D
Fratboy: My shorts smell like a little boy's balls.
--Coney Island beach
Overheard by: Alissa
Woman: Just so you know, it smells like someone urinated in there.
--Banana Republic, 16th & 5th
Overheard by: beth wren
Wednesday One-liners, Jr.
Mom: Maybe if you listen to me more you'll get to see Mr. Snap Crackles...Mommy's going to call him now.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jake Glazier
Chick on cell :...and then the other day, I had a little baby! Yeah!
--116th & Broadway
NY Post guy: It's been confirmed! He's dead! Harry Potter is dead! Killed in a magic train bus explosion. Read it here!
--Penn Station
Guy: ...and you can't get birthmarks shaped like WB characters.
--Teany, Rivington St.