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August 2005 Archives
Wednesday One-liners Jiggle That Coffee Cup
Hobo: Look at you on your cell phone talking all about yo' business. I don't want to hear yo' business. You keep that private shit to yo'self. All cell phones should be put on the moon.
--53rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Chelk
The Excessive Violence of Wednesday One-liners
Suit: All right, here's my analysis. We are going to take Steve and put him in the middle of Times Square and set him on fire.
--Nassau & Wall
Conduct Yourself with Some Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Next stop, the street formerly known as Prince Street.
--R train
Overheard by: Rachel Kolb
They Spell It as Wendsday One-liners
Woman on cell: Little did I know you can't keep charging if you never pay the bill.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Maggie and David
The Evolution of Wednesday One-liners
Girl: ...The only time I was hanging out with girls was when I was cheatin', 'cause I needed an escape goat.
--R train
Overheard by: Clara
The Wednesday One-liners Bizarre Guide to NY
Dad: See there? When people tell you to go jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, that's where you have to go.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Jackie Randazzo
Wednesday One-liners Get on My Nerves
Guy: The people here are so friendly...It's kind of annoying.
--PS 1, LIC
Wednesday One-liners Still Haven't Gone to Bed
Queer: It was my dealer's fault. If he had coke I would've done coke. He only had crystal, so we did crystal.
--Therapy, W. 52nd Street
Bon Appetit, Wednesday One-liners
Chinese boy: What street is this? Onion Street?
--N train, Union Street station
The Wednesday One-liners Red Eye
Stewardess lady: If there is a sudden change in cabin pressure, a mask compartment above your seat will open automatically. If this happens, quickly reach for the nearest mask and pull it down firmly. Continue to breathe normally. If you are travelling with a small child, or someone who acts like a small child, please secure your mask and then assist them.
--JFK
Overheard by: Amy
Rick James' Wednesday One-liners
Queer: That bitch thinks he's some Andy Warhol superstar! Fuck him bloody!
--Ludlow & Houston
Wednesday One-liners Dress You Up
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm wearing ahhh...a football jersey and Speedos.
--Houston & Allen
Overheard by: M!J
Depends on How Much Axle Grease You Put on It
Conductor: Good news for riders going local. This train is not going express, as previously announced, but going local, like normal. If there's such a thing as normal...Questions? Comments? Suggestions? See your conductor, located in the center of the train. Don't just walk around confused. Ask me! I know! Usually...Just a reminder to turn those frowns upside-down. Smiling burns more calories!
Guy: Giving the finger to the conductor burns calories, too.
--R train
Overheard by: Dawn
The Bosom Buddies Movie Looks Really Dumb
Yuppie guy #1: I'll have a strawberry margarita. As fruity as possible. I just cover it up with a wife and kids.
Yuppie guy #2: Hey, I'm married, and I'm still not comfortable with my sexuality.
Yuppie guy #1: Really?
--79th Street Boat Basin
Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein
Which Class Do I Take to Learn About Blaming Jews?
Shopgirl #1: So school starts again soon?
Shopgirl #2: Yeah. School starts soon. But it's not anything interesting, like math. It's like, all history and sociology and ethnics. Ethics.
--American Apparel, E. Houston Street
Overheard by: isti
That Is, Like Powdered Joy
Guy #1: You have a problem with that shit.
Guy #2: I don't like doing coke, I just like the way it smells.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Chris Nixon
Man, That Hobo Sure Gets Around
Hipster chick #1: ...So I was giving this guy a handjob and he wasn't circumcised...it was so bizarre looking.
Hipster chick #2: I know, isn't it so weird? I'm all like, "What am I supposed to do with that thing at the top? Touch it, play with it, leave it alone?"
--5th & A
Girl #1: I just saw a bum peeing on 88th Street.
Girl #2: Was it big?
Girl #1: I didn't notice. He was a bum. Even if he had John Holmes' cock, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.
Girl #2: Was it big?
Girl #1: Not really.
--6 train
Overheard by: Matt Montini
Falling and Chipping Your Dentures Isn't a "New Trick"
Girl #1: Jeez, that old woman just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, I wanted to push her.
Girl #2: You're never too old to learn a lesson.
--Balthazar, Spring Street
Overheard by: zrd
As If Carrot Top Doesn't Know His Own Tag Line
Hobo: Does anyone have a quarter so I can make a phone call?
Dude: You don't need a quarter; just dial down the center, 1-800-CALL-ATT.
--23rd & Park
Overheard by: CoolyMadooly
You Know, You Could Vote Republican
Shoshana Bean: We keep messing up. God hates us!
Scott Alan: God hates us both. That's awesome!
--The Duplex, Christopher Street
Overheard by: Thompson Patton
Good Thing You're Selling Water
Peddler #1: Ice cold water! Cold water for a hot lady!...Damn girl, a look like that?
Peddler #2: Girl like that don't need no ice.
--Canal & Broadway
They Can't Possibly Squeeze Any Blood in There
Fashionista #1: Oh my God. I am so tired!
Fashionista #2: Me too. Let's make this quick because I totally want to go home like right now.
Fashionista #1: Okay. You know, I think the key to a successful shopping trip is spending only a couple of hours at each store.
Fashionista #2: Definitely. Anything more just makes my blood sugar get too low, you know?
--Macy's fitting rooms, West 34th Street
Overheard by: Lindsay
Proving Zombie Hamilton's Fears About Democracy
Guy: That's a really old graveyard. They have tombstones going back to the 1600s.
Girl: I dont understand. How is that possible?
Guy: It's an old church. People were buried there a long time ago.
Girl: Yeah, but wasn't our country made around the 1770s?
Guy: Yes, but there were colonists here from France, England and Spain before that.
Girl: So they brought their dead relatives over here to bury them?
--Trinity Church
Overheard by: Jonathan Bloom
That's Better Than Fuckin' The Homeless
Hobo: Got any money, man? I'm hungry.
Guy: Hey, how are you?
Hobo: How am I? How the fuck do you think I am, 50 fuckin' people walked by and how much do I got? 10 fuckin cents, how the fuck am I. Shit, man. "How the fuck are you?" What kind of question is that? I'm fuckin' homeless.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Erin H.
This Would Be a Great Start to a Horrible Sitcom
Drunk girl in stall #1: I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do now. My ex took the apartment.
Drunk girl in stall #3: That happened to my friend, but she's a hooker now.
Drunk girl in stall #1: Oh my god, really?
Drunk girl in stall #3: Yeah...but she knows this guy who can get me a really good deal on coats. You want one?
--Women's bathroom, Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Sober girl in stall #2
Oh, Cry Me a River
Girl #1: He used to hang out at Bungalow 8 and do coke with Joaquin Phoenix all the time.
Guy #1: That's so cool!
Girl #2: How can Joaquin Phoenix do coke? He's a vegan!
Girl #1: Vegans can't do coke?
Girl #2: Well, being vegan is supposedly to be all...conscious and stuff.
Guy #2: Does he think they make coke with meat?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: ~dana
Depends on If You're a Top or Not
Tween girl #1: His hair is sometimes awful, but it's sometimes so perfect.
Tween girl #2: I think that's what gay hair is like.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: emily clinch
He's So Obviously Some Murderer
Bag lady: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I have not had a meal in four days. If anyone can spare anything I would appreciate it...
Guy: Ma'am? Sit down here a second...Ma'am, these people may be fooled into compassion by your story, but I am not. I was out in the desert in Mexico once, just south of the Big Bend, and went eight days without a bite to eat. Out of pure desperation, on the ninth day I attacked a javelina with a sharp rock. I ate half of that pig raw before the thing quit kicking and died...
Woman: Good God!
Guy: Four days is nothing. If I see you again on the 2nd, and you're up to seven days, I'll take you out for a meal. I've taken up one minute of your time. Pro-rating a six-dollar-an-hour salary, that minute is worth ten cents. That's before taxes of course, but I'm sure your accountant will sort all of that out for you. Good luck.
--6 train
Overheard by: BC Slais
Makes for Easy Carpet/Drapes Matching
Suit: Have you ever seen Conan in HD? His face looks like a scrotum.
--Maggie's Place, E. 47th Street
Overheard by: Grimbil
Some of Us Call It Seared
Guy #1: The menu is on the board.
Guy #2: What's the sea red dumpling?
Guy #1: Sea red? What are you talking about?
Guy #2: Right there, monster...sea red.
--Dumpling Man, St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Rathan Haran
He Didn't See That Jen Looks Like She Has Down's
Teen girl #1: Oh my gosh, Brad Pitt is such an idiot.
Teen girl #2: I know, he never should've left Jen.
Teen girl #1: No, I mean, can't he see that the baby is clearly not his?
--Penn Station newsstand
Cue the Least Romantic Song Ever
Thug #1: Kelly Bundy's dancing on Broadway.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: She broke both her legs. I think she in a wheelchair.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: I bet she dance good. She hot.
Thug #2: I'd break her clit if I had the chance.
--F train
Girl: If I hear another show tune out of context I think I'm going to vomit. Physically vomit. You know that feeling?
Guy: Uh, no.
--42nd between 9th & 10th
Yes, It's Called Tanning
Guy: Your dad has really cool sunglasses.
Girl: Yeah, they're the kind that get darker when it gets light.
Guy: I knew a girl like that once.
--93rd & Park
Now Try to Explain Cell Phones vs. Cordless
Cell phone chick: So if you upgrade to this new plan for $10 more a month, we'll give you a totally free phone. $0, free of charge. All you have to do is mail in a $50 rebate form.
Woman: Wait, I thought it was free.
Cell phone chick: It is, you just pay me $50, and then send in the rebate form and they'll mail you a $50 check.
Woman: Wait, but it's not free? My husband will kill me if I spend
money on a new phone. What's 50 minus 50?...I went to Syracuse University, I'm a college educated person, and I'm still confused. Is it free?
--Verizon, 34th between Broadway & 7th
Overheard by: Jordan the Intern
Sex With Two Gay Men Sure Won't Cause Sanity
Queer #1: So how is that girlfriend of yours?
Queer #2: What girlfriend?
Queer #1: You know, the one we had the threesome with.
Queer #2: Oh yeah, Constance...oh, she's crazy.
--Greenwich & Gansevoort
He Was Cooking Up Some Unbeatable Spicy Rock
Man #1: Dude, you won't believe who I just saw in the park!
Man #2: Yeah, I heard Avril was there.
Man #1: Fuck that shit, bro. I just saw Emeril there doing some Good Morning American shit. BAM!
--40th between Broadway & 6th
Overheard by: Gregorio
Being Scared of Rosie Makes Plenty of Sense
Girl: I always thought she was a cool girl and she kind of intimidated me. I know that makes no sense, because--
Queer: --because she's a fat lesbian?
--Horatio & Hudson
Overheard by: Shane
Yeah, People Have Seen Magic
Boy, 6: It was magic.
Mom: No, it wasn't magic; it was a miracle. There is a difference.
--Broadway & Dey
We're Certainly Not Telling
British man #1: Well, what should we see?
British man #2: Oh, I don't know. How about...Fosse?
British man #1: Oh, no! Not Fosse!
British man #2: Now what's wrong with Fosse?
British man #1: The thing about Fosse is we already know how it ends!
British man #2: What happens?
--TKTS, Duffy Square
Overheard by: EAC425
You Know You're a Hipster When Your Insults Are Retro
Girl: So what does that mean? I don't know how to read him. And when he does all these sexual things for me and asks nothing in return, does that mean he loves me or that I will owe him in the future?
Guy: Cut it out already, bunny boiler!
--Hudson Hotel, West 58th Street
Girl, You're Tripping Already
Chick #1: I'd love to go on a road trip. I haven't been on a road trip in forever!
Chick #2: Oh, I've never done a road trip.
Chick #1: You've never been on a road trip?
Chick #2: No. I don't ride bikes.
--53rd & Madison
Overheard by: Cindy Gordon
He Needs to Do Laundry Now
Hobo: Excuse me, do you have a dollar you could spare?
Guy: Sorry, man.
Hobo: Do you have 4 quarters?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Charlie
Don't Ever Dare a New Yorker to Do Anything
Woman: If you don't stop hitting the fucking brakes like that, I'm gonna throw up all over the back of your cab.
Cab driver: Oh yeah? Go right ahead, lady!
She did.
--Cab, 34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Her friend, who was also kicked out of the cab
It's the South Which Will Rise Again
Boy #1: I have to tell you and you have to believe me. Somebody died for you, do you know who that was?
Boy #2: Abraham Lincoln?
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Mike & Cindy Winslow
He Needs to Call Apex Tech (They Can't Call Him)
Construction guy #1: Next, the idiot tells me she ain't livin' there so it don't matter if I do the job the right way or the wrong way. She just wants it done fast and cheap.
Construction guy #2: So then what'd ya say?
Construction guy #1: I told her, "Lady, I ain't got time to do things wrong. Enough things go wrong just trying to do things right!"
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Mike Jenkins
Actually, It's Just a Mirage
Teen girl #1: What's the body of water we're crossing?
Teen girl #2: I think it's the Long Island Sound.
--X1 bus, Verrazano Bridge
"Steamed, if you have it."
Girl: Hi, I'd like a medium iced coffee with lots of ice, skim milk and Equal, please.
Cashier chick: What kind of ice?
--Dunkin' Donuts, Penn Station
Overheard by: devila
Her Bat is Shaped Like a Semi-colon
Preppy guy: I'm hardcore into the drug underground. Drugs and me, we're like this.
Preppy chick: Drugs and I.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: djlindee
Except for Those Poor Confused Newfies
Chick #1: They're so unpatriotic.
Chick #2: What do you mean?
Chick #1: I, like, went to visit a friend of mine in Canada for the 4th of July weekend and nobody was celebrating the holiday.
--Hudson & Leroy
They Were Stacked Like Pringles
Guy: 'Cause when a girl's got way too many diaphragms...
Chick: Yeah.
Guy: That's the sign that I missed.
--93rd & Broadway
I Told You the Cock was the Point!
Queer on cell: Wear tights...No, you don't pad it! You just push it up so it looks like a big baked potato, like what dancers do. Just hike it up to the sky!...The bits and the pieces. It's not very comfortable, but it gives a good visual effect of...mass...What? Pointy? Ew, no! Pointy's bad! Yich, pointy is such a turnoff.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Michele
I Assure You, the Robocock is Clearly the Point
Guy #1: ...So I say to him, "For the last time, give me back my robocock!", ya know? He still has my robocock.
Guy #2: How long has he had it?
Guy #1: See, that's not the point. He's a bastard in retro clothing.
--7th & Bleecker
Overheard by: Deadboy
Those Who Ride the L Train Shouldn't Cast Stones
Hipster chick: You like the Killers? Of all the British bands--
Hipster boy: I think they're from Vegas, actually.
Hipster chick: Well, I just assumed they're British because they suck.
--L train
She Just Wants to Show Off Gerard Depardieu
Bus Tour ticket lady: Where are you from?
Woman: Italy.
Bus Tour ticket lady: OK, let me go get the guy that speaks French
then.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: KJ
I Thought Federline Proposed
Girl #1: So you burped in his face and told him "Will you marry me?"
Girl #2: Yeah, pretty much.
--86th Street 4/5/6 station
It's Just Stuff to Feed Keys, Locks and Safes
Guy #1: Man, I'm hungry. Let's go into the supermarket for a second.
Guy #2: Key Foods? What for?
Guy #1: Food, asshole.
Guy #2: Man, there ain't food in there.
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: Jacek Grebski
Because Our God's Promises Are Contract-Bound
Girl #1: Who wants to be Jewish?
Girl #2: Stacy!
Girl #1: I mean, you either are or you aren't.
Girl #2: That's not a very nice thing to say!
Girl #1: Sorry, I mean, why would you if you didn't have to?
--49th & 5th
But Beak Lady Can Turn Her Head 360 Degrees!
Girl #1: Oh my gosh...identical twins..with man-chins!
Girl #2: Oh! They work at Hooter's!
Girl #1: What? How did you know?
Girl #2: I noticed them when I went last week. They were all blonde and skinny there but those two definitely tied for most freakish.
--9th & 48th
Overheard by: Diane C.
The Post Office Does Manage to Disappear Packages
Woman #1: Excuse me, could you hold my place in line?
Woman #2: What do I look like, a magician?
--Post Office, Sunnyside
Better Check for Beetle Eggs
Guy: I'm so fucking sweaty. I'm getting all chafed again!
Girl: Aw, where?
Guy: On my cock.
Girl: Un your calf? That is so horr-
Guy: No, no, on my cock.
Girl: Chafed on your what?
Guy: My cock is chafed. Christ.
--Union Square
Those Were Beetle Eggs
Girl #1: Want to hear something horrible?
Girl #2: Sure, what?
Girl #1: This morning I went to get a Brazilian but the lady left some wax in my ass and it keeps chafing me...I'm in so much pain!
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Craig B.
Bill Finally Tells His Wife She Won't Be President
Chick on cell: What did you say?...What did you say?...What did you say?...What did you say?...I can't believe you said that. Say it again!...I haven't spoken to you in so long and I finally fuckin' call and that's what you have to say?...Well fuck you, you fuckin' bitch!
--F train
Overheard by: Tamika J.
I Think That's Her Sorority House
White girl: Damn, you can flow!
McDude: What you know about flow?
White girl: Dude, I'm from H-town.
--McDonald's, 38th & 6th
Overheard by: Brooke
Nonverbal Communication (A NYC Short Story)
I'm in a bus stuck in traffic. I look out the window down at this woman driving alone in her car. She's talking on her cell phone. After watching her continue to talk for 15 seconds or so, I see her suddenly put the cell between her ear and shoulder, release the steering wheel and use both hands to give the "in quotes" gesture. I'm sure this helped alleviate any possible misinterpretation of what she was saying to the person on the other end of the phone.
--Lincoln Tunnel
We Prefer the Term "Dramasexual"
Guy #1: I never should have done this show.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: I'm totally in musical theater fag Hell.
--22nd & 8th
Phase Two: Forced to Eat Their Kids
Girl: I never understand why people run on treadmills. It's like they're gerbils or something.
Guy: Yeah. They should be forced to eat all their food in pellet form.
--67th & 1st
Overheard by: BSinnott
Translation: Will You Marry Me?
Hobo: I'll bet you think I spent all my money on crack and alcohol.
Guy: Probably.
Hobo: Well, you're right. But I've learned my lesson. Now I want to spend your money on crack and alcohol.
--E train
Have You Heard of This New Invention Called Korea?
Hipster guy: I had to live with some random guy that year in a room smaller than ours right now.
Hipster girl: Whoa.
Hipster guy: Yeah, he was weird. He was like some Chinese guy. But he wasn't like really Chinese.
--L train
Kids Say the Most Ominous Things
Receptionist lady: What's your name?
Little boy: Nayan.
Receptionist lady: Can you spell that for me?
Little boy: N-A-Y-A-N.
Receptionist lady: Did your mommy tell you what your name means?
Little Boy: X-ray vision.
--Doctor's office, Park Slope
Overheard by: Rachel
Poor People Get Plenty of Shit, Too
Homeboy #1: Yeah, ever since he got that raise, he been livin' all grand and shit.
Homeboy #2: Oh yeah?
Homeboy #1: Yeah, yo! Nigga got 3-ply toilet paper an' shit!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Joyce Shen
Lunacy Does Deplete Electrolytes
Food cart man: Would like some chicken, miss?
Random crazy lady: Yes, I'll have some Gatorade.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: Kathy I.
It's Like Playing Memory!
Doctor lady: Did you hear that Dr. Khan just had a baby?
Doctor guy: Oh, was she pregnant?
--Burger King, Jamaica
Overheard by: Ed Selter
Woman: She didn't even know she was pregnant until she was giving birth...
--Columbia University Medical Center
A Total Prostitute: She Gives You Vitamins After
Chick: Oh my god. I had, like, so many guys hit on me last night.
Queer: Puh-leeze, you know they only talk to you because you look like a total prostitute.
--A train
She Should Have Gotten Him the Dopey Kind
Girl: Why are you so upset? You told me to try new things.
Guy: I didn't mean ecstasy!
--Times Square
Overheard by: emily clark
I Dunno; the Author's Kind of a Shady Pervert
Man: I never realized how homoerotic the Bible is.
Woman: It's not supposed to be.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
"What, and get rid of my semen collection?"
Girl: I need like an extra stomach outside my body that I can just dump out when it gets full so I don't actually absorb all the calories.
Guy: They have that, honey. It's called "bulimia".
Girl: ...Oh, like you haven't considered it!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Rachel
Wednesday One-liners Dentata
Girl on cell: Hey, how are you? My vagina is sore.
--34th & 3rd
HS boy: Hey, you guys are a bunch of pussies. Do you realize you're running from a handicapped lady? I mean, I could see if she came at you with a cane or something.
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyle T.
Man on cell: I can't wait for the naked pussy party.
--Employees Only, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Max T-M
Cop: She ovulates tumbleweeds.
--Ludlow & Delancey
Overheard by: Erin Bradley
Girl on cell: Yeah, I think it's a yeast infection...yeah...itching. It's been like a week, though...I'm not going to a gynecologist...I had a bad experience once. I don't know how much longer I can take it, though.
--6th Avenue & 8th Street
Bag lady: My name is Madge. I am homeless, completely broke. I haven't eaten in days. I have my period and I am bleeding my clothes now.
--6 train
Wednesday One-liners Are Pastafarians
Man: ...and then she's gon' ask me, "How was church?" I'm like, get the fuck outta here. How many times have I asked her to go to Goddamn church with me? Every fuckin' Sunday, I ask that bitch to go to Goddamn church with me. Never! Not once has she come with me, now she wants to ask me, "How was fuckin' church?".
--Sephora, 19th & 5th
Overheard by: yassira diggs
Mormon guy: So last time I was here, I was trying to get to Columbia, and I missed my stop and got off in Harlem. And I looked around and thought, "I can't believe I'm the only white person here!" And sure enough, I was the only white person there. I mean, I was wearing a tie!
--flight into JFK
Woman: Oh boy, you are in trouble girl. Jesus says to come over here right now. Jesus says come over here now!
--Brooklyn Museum
Guy: So I really need your advice. My wife was driving on the LIE, and she had a vision from God telling her to sleep with this other guy, so she did. Well, I finally got her to move back in with me, but now she says I'm full of shit and everything I say is a lie. I really want to work this out with her, you know?
--Penn Station
God Squad guy: I love all y'all in the name of Jesus, 'cause I got Jesus! I'm blessed, you're stressed. I'm anointed, you're disappointed!
--4 train
Overheard by: saltylips
God Squad woman: Here come da Jesus, fire from his mouth!
--1st Avenue L station
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Girl: Jesus there's like a restaurant every two feet here.
--46th between 8th & 9th
Man: ...come to think about it, my grandfather was in charge of the marshmallow burning during Joan of Arc's burning, so I guess it's in my heritage!
--45th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Alex Venguer
Wednesday One-liners Excreta
Guy: Baby, I gotta piss, shit...barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap.
--Astroland
Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I'm going to poop my pants.
--Randall's Island
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It's like a baby sitting in its own shit. It's like me sloshing around in my own blood!
--22nd & Park
Overheard by: Sion Harrington
Crazy lady: Can I get some privacy? I saw you peeking through the crack. All I wanna do is pee. Can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee. If you wanna see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee!
--Penn Station ladies' room
Overheard by: bebe
Woman: Excuse me! If you're going to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you're done so the next person doesn't have to sit in it?
--Grand Central ladies' room
Dude on cell: ...so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand...but dude, it, like, wasn't dirt...no...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Girl: Yo, this motherfucking butterscotch tastes like jizz!
--Loews, 32nd & 2nd
Overheard by: annie lin
Woman on cell: I don't even know how to wash his balls when they're that dirty!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: cat verde
Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don't have to bleed and when they do, it's like, all manly.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Miss Amelia
The United States of Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: You want to know why America is the land of free? Go to jail; free food, free bed.
--53rd & Madison
Overheard by: Ramblin Bradley Scott
Guy on cell: I'm just so sick of hearing about Gaza. So many people getting shot...it just sounds like LA.
--86th & CPW
Girl: "AKA" means "otherwise known as." This is America!
--23 Street C station
Hipster guy on cell: How's Delaware?...Aw, I'm sorry...Your grandma what?...Ew!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Shawn Chesterfield
Hobo: I wish all of America was in Jordan.
--Stuyvesant Park
Woman: ...It's not the money I'm worried about, it's just that
Hoboken taxi drivers are shitheads.
--Office, 50th & 6th
Woman on cell: ...and I mean, where the fuck am I supposed to find a hooker? This isn't Las Vegas!
--54th & 6th
Overheard by: Eface
Tourist man: One way ticket to Hewston please.
--50th Street 1 station
Turbaned white guy: Well, obviously I'm American, but my preferred religion is Punjabi.
--Union Square
Overheard by: misha
Suit: Hawaii is so boring! There's nothing to do but stay calm.
--52nd & Lexington
Girl: Have you been to the rest of the country? The rest of the country is not New York. They obviously don't know anything about fashion.
--Shea Stadium
Rest in Peace, Wednesday One-liners
Anorexia on cell: Oh, she died? From what?...Oh, that's horrible. Well, everyone has to die somehow.
--Coffee shop, Madison & 79th
Overheard by: Julz
Cab driver: Are you trying for die, bitch?
--Taxi, Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Aaron Brumer
Girl on cell: ...and they took me to a psychic and the psychic said I'm, like, dead inside and that I have nothing going for me.
--Broadway & Broome
Guy: I'll tell you what: I'll kill myself, you don't have to bother.
--47th & 5th
Woman on cell: Girl, you know I only gotta do two things: stay black and die. And I'm doing that real well. Staying black, I mean.
--Karavas Place ladies' room, W. 4th Street
Girl: Oh, so I forgot to tell you about my ex who died last year. He drowned...this is a good story.
--World Financial Center
Start the Clock, Wednesday One-liners
Suit: You know, at 2:30 in the morning, I become, like, a zombie of love.
--G train
Chick: There's this guy who lives in that clock over there. They showed his apartment on TV. It's like a prehistoric landmark.
--F train
Overheard by: mh
Chick on cell: Yeah, I'm a ten-minutes-early girl and you're a ten-minutes-late girl, and together that makes us twenty minutes late.
--Houston & Eldridge
Overheard by: Shane
Yuppie lady: Let's see your tits!...Hey, we've got time. Take off your top.
--Bryant Park
Guy on cell: You can't fist someone for that long. They turn into a handpuppet after 5 minutes.
--47th & 5th
Wednesday One-liners Must Seek Therapy
Girl: Yeah, you're right. Laughing by yourself just makes you look demented.
--Office, Wall Street
Woman: He doesn't like people who are deep, and sometimes I'm so deep that I can't even understand myself. *Sigh*
--American Bible Society lobby, Columbus Circle
Girl: I think Spawn is going through an identity crisis.
--W train
Chick: The problem with a long-distance relationship is that so much of it occurs in the mind. And my mind is insane.
--Belgian Beer Bar, W. 4th Street
Overheard by: djlindee
Here's Where the Story Ends, Wednesday One-liners
Hipster on cell: Best case scenario is: I talk, and you say
nothing. We have nothing to talk about.
--65th & 2nd
Overheard by: Gregorio and Robyn
Queer: Instead of cheating, I define it as an indiscretion.
--Posh, W. 51st Street
Overheard by: Nick Salvato
Dude on cell: ...yeah..you are breaking up...wha? no...I meant your voice is breaking up...nope...wha? no...I don't want to break up with you...hello...hello...
--West 4th & Macdougal
Dude on cell: So how's the single life?...Well, that's good, because if you were pregnant, I'd stick my fist in your twat and pull that thing outta there...I said, I'd stick my fist in your twat. Yeah, I would...Because I'm not really ready to be a dad right now, you know?
--LIRR
Overheard by: maura johnston
Wednesday One-liners (K) Parve
Woman on cell: I'm at Fiddler on the Roof...A play.
--45th & 7th
Overheard by: Hope Abrams
Orthodox man on cell: $700,000...this is nothing to do with money...I just want to get even with that guy...the one you wanted to smack...Goldberg...he's a liar and a thief and he wanted me to deal with a Gentile.
--Madison & 33rd
JAP: Sorry, I just get very Jewish about my weed.
--Madison & 97th
Overheard by: drew grant
Let's Face Wednesday One-liners
Guy: My eyelashes have decided to declare war against my eyes.
--12th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: E. F. Schubert
Woman: All I wanted was some sunflower seeds and I wound up with my face on a milk carton.
--41st & 5th
Overheard by: rebecca h.
Teen girl on cell: So I finally talked to him and I was like, "Do you have any safety pins?" and he was all, "No!" and then I was like,
"What about all the ones in your face?"
--Red Hook
Overheard by: linda
Wednesday One-liners, by Harvey Dent
Man: Table for two, non-smoking.
--Brooklyn Diner, W. 57th Street
Yuppie guy: See, it's hard, because I see both sides of the argument, but I still don't know who would win in a fight.
--Madison Square Park
Girl on phone: I didn't like it when I was there...No, it was awful!...You're taking him? So where're you going?...An interview? How do you interview for a preschool? He's 2.
--Office, 37th & Broadway
Weathering Wednesday One-liners
Woman: This air is so thick I can't breathe it. It actually will not fit in my nostrils.
--125th Street A/C/B/D station
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Guy: It's a beautiful night for global warming.
--Bleecker & Bowery
Man: Isn't it nice to see so many lesbians out today?
--8th between 18th & 19th
I'd Guess Not Unlike Star Jones
Woman #1: ...she's also a lesbian.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah. She's a black Jewish lesbian mother.
Woman #2: ...What do the kids look like?
--Central Park reservoir track
He Means the Dog, You Crummy Jerk!
A Lab suddenly breaks free from the parking tenant and runs into the street and starts nipping at the skirt of a lady walking with her boyfriend.
Parking guy #1: Yo! Come on, pooch! Get your ass over here! Fuckin' bitch!
Parking guy #2: Yo! That bitch is crazy, B!
Lady: What in the fuck is that?
Guy: Clearly it's a dog, hon.
Lady: No shit! Get it the fuck away from me!
Passing dude: Damn...see that's the beauty of the hood...that bitch would have been shot. No question, yo!
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: E-nigmatic
Sing It, Beyonce!
Girl #1: He has no idea how good this pussy is.
Girl #2: He's just taking your pussy for granted. You know what you need?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: A new booty call.
Girl #1: I don't have time for a new booty call. He just needs to learn how good my pussy is.
--The Riviera ladies' room, W. 4th Street
Overheard by: Lela Justin
The WSJ Has a Compelling Drawing, Too
Newspaper guy: Only in the Post! Pictures of Pataki crying like a pussy!
--34th & 7th
Our Contributor Illustrates How to Overhear Correctly
Girl on cell: So, did you get a lap dance?...Oh my God, a whole group of women just turned around and stared at me.
The group of women turn around again.
Girl on cell: No, he did not get a lap dance!
--45th between 8th & 9th
That's More of a Hindu Kind of Thing
Guy: Wait. You lived 20 minutes from the Amish all the time...like they were there all the time?
Girl: Yeah. What do you mean?
Guy: I dunno. I thought they were out following the buffalo or something.
--Washington Square Diner, W. 4th Street
The Freedom Fries Isn't Free
Waiter: How would you like your hamburger? Medium?
Chick: They come in different sizes?
--Peter McManus, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: djlindee
Make Sure You Take Off Your Fat Ass Pants First
Girl #1: Oh, I never want to have sex when I feel fat.
Girl #2: But I feel fat and want to have sex tonight. I'm so conflicted!
Girl #1: Well, go home and take a laxative, it will make you feel better.
--Amsterdam & 68th
In a Couple of Years His Words Will Be Haunting
Old man: Enjoy your looks while you still have them.
Girl: Oh, we've got a long time before we have to start worrying.
Old man: No, you don't. Just remember: men age, women rot.
--12th & B
I Totally Know That Song
Puerto Rico chick: He likes that--what do you call it? That the black people make...that "tooka tooka tooka"...?
Nuyorican chick: Rap music.
--South Bronx
Overheard by: emilie
I Think the Hobo Misplaced His Keys
Hobo: Do you have any change for the homeless?
Hipster guy: I do not.
Hobo: You better check your pockets!
--Stanton & Ludlow
Overheard by: Daniel
"...All those eyes on me make me feel fat!"
Girl #1: I think there's too many people in this room.
Girl #2: I think I'm going to throw up.
--Javits Center
Overheard by: ladolce
How to Rejuvenate The Baby-sitters Club
Girl #1: What can we do tomorrow?
Girl #2: I found a place that makes great Mimosas at lunch time. We get get drunk at noon and then sober up before we have to babysit.
--D train
Overheard by: Kirk
He's Going to Kick It, All Right
Old man: Hey, you just kicked my bag!
Young man: Dude, it was just sitting there. For all I know it has a bomb in it.
Old man: But I'm right here!
Young man: Look, you show me a bag that looks like a bomb and I'm gonna kick it, every time.
--Men's room, Union Square Regal Cinemas
"Dad, how did you meet Mom?"
Woman: Ooh, where are you taking them?
Dogwalking guy: To pee on your leg.
--21st between 2nd & 3rd
Slang: The Right Way and the Wrong Ways
Lady #1: Look at all these kids! I feel so old...I can't date in this city any more.
Lady #2: Are you kidding? Listen, honey, let me tell you...I just finished my starter marriage, and I've been dating like crazy!
--6 train
Overheard by: BBW
Girl #1: Look at my new ring! Isn't it shiny and big?
Girl #2: Omigod. When did you get it?
Girl #1: Yesterday, my manlover gave it to me.
Girl #2: "Manlover"?
Girl #1: Yeah, he's not a boy or my friend, hence manlover.
--F train
Overheard by: fridayweasel
Black chick #1: I told her to keep her badussy hands off my sandwich
Black chick #2: "Badussy"?
Black chick #1: Yeah, It's like butt and pussy.
--Union Square
Guy: No, I mean I could but it's not going to change the fact that he did it and he's probably just going to do it again at some point.
Girl: But you could still gain the satisfaction of telling him he's a bitch-ho.
--6 train
Girl #1: I'm on the brown; it stinks.
Girl #2: Brown?
Girl #1: You know, when your period is ending.
--Q train
I Hear Tavern on the Green Has Some Great Prizes
Lady: Can you tell us how to get to Central Park?
Guy: It's a pretty big park. Do you know where you want to go in Central Park?
Lady: We want to go where the perverts are.
--GWB bus station
Overheard by: dirtylesbian
He Was This Close to Carrying a Goat
Girl #1: I don't think I can walk anymore.
Guy #1: C'mon, I'll carry you.
Girl #2: You're carrying her all the way to 72nd?
Guy #2: Dude, you're not gonna make it.
Girl #1: It's okay, you don't--
Guy #1: It'll be fine.
Hobo: That place sure has great door prizes.
--Tavern on the Green, West 67th Street
Overheard by: gibberish
I Think I Stepped in Some Sicily This Morning
Guy #1: Naw, you's retarded! That's Greek, yo!
Guy #2: Where's Greece?
Guy #1: Dude, Greece is in Ireland.
Guy #2: No it ain't.
Guy #1: But they look the same, man!
--Sunset Park
If the Light's Purple, You're Crossing Over
Bike guy: The light's red. Move out of the way.
Woman: Fuck you. I don't care if the light's purple, bitch. I cross when I want!
--20th & 8th
His Nuts Look Like Violet Beauregarde
Flea: I eat four boxes of blueberries a day; it makes my cock big.
--Randall's Island
Overheard by: AJIN
I Feel Like I'm Overhearing Three's Company
Drunk guy: We should go to the OTB and bet on some horses.
Drunk girl: Why would you bet on prostitutes?
Drunk guy: I don't think you heard me correctly.
--14th & 2nd
Overheard by: Bryant
I'm Guess What's Left of the Liberal Party
Lady: Hey, your dog just went to the bathroom; aren't you going to pick that up?
Guy: Who the hell elected you the shit police?
--Battery Park
She Just Got So Aquaserved
College girl: Excuse me, sir. Which way is the river?
Man: There's two.
He walks away.
--Columbus Circle
You've Just Ruined Scattergories for Everyone
Chick: So "scatological"; that's like, what? Like from "scattered"?
Guy: No, you know, it's like in "scat porn".
--China Fun, 64th & 2nd
Don't Be Such a Little Momaphobe
Tween girl: My dad flies into New York airport tonight; where is that?
Tween boy: It's in Jersey.
Tween girl: Idiot! It's New York airport.
Tween boy: It's Newark airport, and it's in Jersey.
Tween girl: New York airport and it's in New Jersey? That's gay.
Tween boy: You're gay.
Tween girl: Shut up! We're at the museum!
--outside MoMA
Why Would the Travel Channel Be on TV?
Hispanic kid: This is great, everyone just stands on the escalators and then when they get to the bottom they take off running to their trains. They like animals or something. It's like some Travel Channel shit.
Hispanic girl: You're stupid. Why would Penn Station be on the Travel Channel?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ali
For Once the Tourists Are the Smart Ones
Girl: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Little Italy?
Man: You're standing in it.
Girl: But isn't this still Chinatown?
Man: Yeah, it's that too.
--Mulberry & Grand
Overheard by: The Fever
It's Bacteria That Gives It The Flavor
Guy: Original flavored yogurt tastes terrible.
Girl #1: You should have seen the faces he was making.
Girl #2: Why? Does it taste like semen?
Guy: I wouldn't know, would you?
Girl #2: I don't know; I've never tasted plain yogurt before!
--Chelsea Market, 9th Avenue
Get Thee to a Nunnery, Y2K5
Girl #1: 'Twas never a merry world since of two--
Girl #2: Oh, fuck! Start over. I forgot the vibrator.
--Broadway Residence Hall, Columbia University
Perhaps You Should Look at Your Tag
Hipster girl: Post-hipster is like post-irony, you're being ironic about irony.
Hipster guy #1: Wait, so you can be a hipster and hate hipsters at the same time?
Hipster guy #2: I am so post-hipster!
--Charleston Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Matt Boorady
The Day the Rainbow Flags Turned Indigo
Queer #1: Diversity is the spice of life. If everyone was like us, it would be so masturbating and boring--
Queer #2: Like us? Are you kidding? It would be fantastic!
--112th & Broadway
She's Gonna Become One Nasty Pumpkin
Girl: Oh my God, you guys. I still have my Friday panties on.
Guy: You'd better hurry up and get home; there are only two hours before it's Sunday.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
Is "Women" the Answer You're Looking For?
Black lady: He has a degree in computer science, just like his mama. He's teaching at some school for the mentally retarded. Can you believe that? Teaching computer science to retards: who would do that?
--J. Crew dressing room, Prince Street
That's Right; New York Does Koans, Too
Tourist lady: Does this N train go Kings Highway?
Teen girl: Yeah, it goes to Kings Highway.
Tourist lady: Does it go to the Q-line Kings Highway?
Teen girl: It goes to the N-line Kings Highway.
--Union Square station
If My Heart Made Blood I Wouldn't Need to Buy Puppies
Store guy: You know, I used to smoke 2-3 packs a day. It's really not good for you.
Dude: Are you gonna give me a discount on Nicorette, then?
Store guy: We don't have it...but you don't need that stuff anyway. It doesn't work. All you really need is your--
He taps his hand on his chest.
Dude: If my heart made nicotine I wouldn't need to buy cigarettes.
--Duane Reade, 49th & 9th
Overheard by: Katie
They Didn't Have to Shape It into the Freedom Tower
Man #1: Someone took a shit in the sink.
Man #2: It happens. This is New York.
--Men's Room, Port Authority
Even the Mos Are Bigger in Texas
Girl: Did you hear about that 20 year old guy in Texas who started his own theater company?
Guy: No, I didn't.
Girl: Really? Well you should, Mr. Texas!
Guy: Yeah, they stopped sending me the newsletter when they found out I was gay.
--Sardi's, W. 44th Street
The Only Step in This House is Florence Henderson
Rich girl #1: So she got into a fight with her step mother last night.
Rich girl #2: But she can't have a stepmother; her real mother isn't dead yet!
--6 train
Overheard by: Adam
"...I'm flexible enough to puke up my own ass now."
Lesbian #1: We should totally go! I heard they have a keg in the back now. We could do keg stands!
Lesbian #2: Really? I've been wanting to get to a keg lately. I've been practicing in yoga class.
--Rififi, E. 11th Street
Overheard by: Brad Palmertree
Where Are They Now?: David Dinkins
A crazy man takes out a whole frozen fish from his bag and bangs it on the side of the bus repeatedly.
Crazy man #2: You should pretend that's the mayor.
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Erika Strum
That One Guest Seems to Live in the Mirror
Suit #1: So where are you going on vacation?
Suit #2: St. Bart's.
Suit #1: Are you staying in a house or at a hotel?
Suit #2: A house. God, I hate hotels. Inevitably there will be one guest that irritates me; I'll see him around at lunch or something. Then I'll obsess about it, all vacation long.
Suit #1: Yeah.
--Landmark Gourmet, Pearl Street
Overheard by: freshie
That Makes None of Us
Woman: So, what are you doing this summer?
Girl: I'm interning for Senator Clinton.
Woman: Oh, I just love him!
--Riverdale, The Bronx
Overheard by: Lauren C
Plus, The Bird Insisted There Was a Snuffleupagus
Dude #1: Fuckin' Nate, man...
Dude #2: Yeah, fuckin' Nate.
Dude #1: I mean, the time he beat up that bird is just like the time he bludgeoned that snake.
Dude #2: To be fair, if you were drunk on tequila at your 40th birthday party, you'd beat up a bird too.
Dude #1: Yeah, I guess so.
--Columbia University Psych Lab
Looks Like We're Down to 4
Dude #1: How many pricks?
Dude #2: 15.
Dude #1: Nah...5? 4?
Dude #2: 5.
Dude #1: Okay, we're agreed. 5 pricks on the train. Later, bro.
--6 train
Overheard by: T-Dub
That's Not the First Upgrade You Should Go For
Chick: People donate body parts?
Older woman: Yes, when people die they can donate their body so that other people can benefit from it.
Chick: So, like, I could get a new arm or something?
--LIRR
Overheard by: ladolce
All Penguins Are Birds But Not All Birds Are Penguins
Girl #1: Holy shit! It's a mime.
Girl #2: Shit. He ain't a mime. He's just gay.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ricky Chawla
Usury It's With Very Great Interest
Old woman: You know I love them Jews.
Guy: How do you know I'm a Jew?
Old woman: You took the seat like a Jew.
Guy: How does a Jew take a seat?
--1 train
Overheard by: Max Ravyn
At Your Age It'll Never Get Past HIV
Old man #1: Man, that's nasty.
Old man #2: Why do you say that? You don't like to orally please your woman?
Old man #1: Man, I am afraid of getting AIDS in my teeth.
--51st & 5th
Fake Trees Grow Completely Differently
Girl #1: Yeah, I think those are real trees. Otherwise, I don't think they would grow like that.
Girl #2: Yeah, I think you're right.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Alison Kiczek
Obviously, If Only By Definition
Girl #1: Man, none of them are fine or anything, but you see them bodies on 'em?
Girl #2: Yeah, I bet those motherfuckers can fuck.
--Union Square
He's Jealous He's Missing Ms. Sedaris' Comedy
Man on cell: Hey, I just got out of work and...wait...dude, are you having sex?...While I'm on the phone with you?...You...you're having sex with Amy?...What would...you mean you think the fact that it's Amy makes it all right to pick up the phone?...No! No! That makes it worse!
--2 train
Let's Hope She Keeps Getting It
Drunk guy #1: So yeah, I'm boning her and she starts to ovulate. I've made girls ovulate before but this chick went crazy.
Drunk guy #2: Ew, she got her period while you were doing her?
--Astoria
They're Crisps to Him
Girl #1: Offer him a chip.
Girl #2: Okay. Would you like a chip?
Hobo: Young lady, are you teasing me?
--6 train
Someone Throw a Bear Trap in There for Her
Girl, 7: I wish I could go in and play with them. I want to play with the turtles.
Zookeeper woman: They're not turtles. They're tortoises.
Girl, 7: Whatever. I want to step on them.
--Central Park Zoo
Do You Know Where Your Hobo Children Are?
Hobo #1: Do you know what time is it?
Hobo #2: Yeah I know.
Hobo #1: Thanks.
--2 train
Overheard by: Andrew A
We All Agreed That the South Isn't a Country
Woman #1: Wow, are those peaches?
Woman #2: Yeah, peaches.
Woman #1: Wow, I thought they only grew in poor countries.
--Community garden, 9th & C
By "Crises" He Must Mean "Circumcisions"
Guy: He's 31 and already he's going through a mid-life crisis.
Girl: You're 30 and you've been going through crises after crises after crises.
Guy: But I'm a Jew.
--19th & 5th
Maybe--Like Its Owner--It Wasn't Raised Right
Guy #1: I took the day off. I'm going up to Long Island City to see the doctor.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? What's the matter?
Guy #1: I have to get this boil looked at.
Guy #2: Sorry to hear that.
Guy #1: Yeah, well...normally it's not a problem. I just pop it and it all goes away, but this one, man, I've popped it three times and it's still big and painful as hell. Normally I don't complain about these things, but man, this one is right below my balls...and it's killing me! They tell me it's a hair growing the wrong way. How does a hair do that?
--A train
Stupid False Advertising! Technically, She's Right.
Chick #1: I want chocolate, but no nuts. What kind of candy bar doesn't have nuts?
Chick #2: Um...Almond Joy?
--Bodega, 44th & 9th
Overheard by: Peter Shankman
It's That Thing with the Hole and the Stick
Guy: Excuse me, do you have any poppy seed bagels?
Bakery lady: What the hell is a popsicle bagel?
--C-town, 135th & Broadway
Some Even Call It "Delicious"
Woman with baby: So I've been takin' these classes, and like they teach you how to draw blood from people and shit, but they have all these funny names for things. Like your skull, they call it the...um...
Woman without baby: Cranium?
Woman with baby: Yeah, the cranium. And they don't call it "blood", they call it...cells.
--F train
Overheard by: Miss N.
He Pulled His Hamstring Nearing Hawaii
Girl: ...so you injured your knee running cross-country?
Guy: Yeah, right before the season starts, too...
Girl: So how long did it take you to run across the country?
--F train
Wednesday One-liners Need to Get Cut Off
Chick on cell: That is not true!...No!...I would never do that! Gross! I so did not do that...Did I?...Really?...Oh, well, maybe I was too trashed to remember.
--Times Square
Arty girl: I may be hung over. I haven't decided yet.
--Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: ~dana
Guy: So I find that when I taste champagne with someone, I have nothing to say.
--32nd & 6th
Chick: Wait, I really did sleep with that guy? I need to update my
Excel spreadsheet.
--Montien, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: djlindee
Erica: Welcome to Applebee's, my name is Erica. Can I get you started with a drink, or a beverage?
--Applebee's, W. 225th Street
Overheard by: MissDona
Wednesday One-liners Lead the Market
Suit: The thing about sales is that you're nothing but a paid liar.
--44th & Lexington
Girl on cell: Really? Three and a half hours? I don't think so. The ad says after four hours you need to worry.
--Nassau & Liberty
Old woman: There's this green tea thing now...Starbucks started it...supposedly it's really good for you.
--Starbucks, Times Square
Girl: I am, like, having an affair with my iPod.
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Man: I want the strongest coffee you have. With caffeine. Please.
--Starbucks, 78th & Lexington
Overheard by: Joshua S.
Queer: Allison, did you buy that bra so that the straps would match your shopping bag?
--2nd Avenue & 5th Street
Next Wednesday One-liners
Queer on cell: Oh my God, did you hear? Liz has a date...yeah, with a guy...a straight guy...
--Time Warner Center
Overheard by: Cole
Suit on cell: Hi, I'm in Chelsea. I just bought the We Love Disco CD and two porn magazines.
--22nd between 7th & 8th
Black guy: Damn, those horses is gay.
--Times Square
Overheard by: seth scott barkley
Queer on cell: Hey, I got here early. The Starbucks is closed for renovations, so why don't we just skip to the blowjob?
--7th & Grove
Chick: He was getting blown by a trannie and right before he came he said, "get out of my car, you faggot" and that's how he knew he wasn't gay.
--W Hotel bar, Union Square
Overheard by: Somebody nowhere
Guy: I mean, he's weird. He'll let me make out with him, but he won't share his salsa.
--Bond & Lafayette
Queer: First of all, if I was going to have an orgy at four in the morning, I would not have carne asada first. Pttth! Second of all...um...carne asada is not pre-orgy food.
--Barrage, West 47th Street
Overheard by: Nick Salvato
Queer: I'm never having sex with another virgin again. When the virgin is on the receiving end it can be such a pain in the...yeah.
--Bleecker & Macdougal
Woman on cell: Mom, he doesn't have an accent, he's gay!
--Madison & 52nd
Wednesday One-liners Are Expecting
Dude: There is nothing like cereal with breast milk.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Burke
Chick: How do mermaids get pregnant? They don't have any legs.
--Office, 29th & 7th
Stroller guy: Say goodbye to your sister-slash-mother.
--Prospect Heights
Woman on cell: It'll be fabulous! He's die and she'll get pregnant.
--West 4th & Macdougal
Hasidic lady: Please, someone sneezes in China and I get pregnant.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell
Guy: My whole family hates me; I hope they all fucking die, even the babies.
--Central Park
Overheard by: steve alcott
Chick: What is it with me and getting pregnant?
--66th & Broadway
Guy: No, now you take the placenta home with you and eat it.
--Hill Cafe, Cobble Hill
This Wednesday One-liners is Going Local
Conductor: I get paid whether this train moves or not. We can sit here all day, or if you want to go somewhere, stand clear of the doors.
--B train
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Conductor: If you are carrying a knapsack or large bag, please consider being searched by the police.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Kelly Wittman
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please do not contribute to panhandlers. Panhandling on the subway is illegal, and is also against the law.
--R train
Conductor: ...we are told the delay is indefinite...for future reference "indefinite" does not mean the train won't leave at all. So all those people that just got off the train and went upstairs to wait, are still waiting! And you're on your way!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ziggy Stardust
Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
--Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
--C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I'm gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
--68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
--Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that's the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
--52 & Lexington
Even a Penny Helps Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: What the fuck? Why's the train so crowded? Used ta be between 9 and 5 the train'd be empty. Don't anybody fucking have a job anymore?
--N train
Hobo: I had to go all over the goddamn world. Canarsie! Staten Island! Jersey City! Timbuktu!
--65th between 2nd & 3rd
Crazy hobo: I have closed my windows. I have pulled my curtains. I have put up my air conditioner...and now you will lock down block 340 like you will lock down every other block in the city of New York, the state of New York, the state of New Jersey, and to some extent Connecticut, but not all of Connecticut.
--4th Street & 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Squatporpoise
Drunk hobo: I have a lottery ticket. My father played the lottery every week. Must've had about a hundred fucking tickets. What if I find out I won and I'm on the subway? No one's getting away. I'm taking down everyone's number. We're going to dinner. Your family too. No cousins.
--N train
Drunk hobo with megaphone: Don't ride the trains! Those a-rabs are going to blow this thing up! It's gonna be bloody! Those a-rabs and the black men from north Africa!
--A train
Old hobo: ...and there's a girl in the well. And he got a dog! You seen dat shit?
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: K-Na
Hobo: I ain't got no money, but I got the honey, just for the women, not the men. And I ain't no one minute man, ain't no three minute man. I'm a one-hour man!
--4 train
Overheard by: eb
Wednesday One-liners for the Linguists
Chick: I don't know what is wrong with her, she was acting so
agnoxious.
--Office, Madison & 38th
Hipster guy: Whenever they build a new road, it should be the blankth street ever made. 34th Street should be the 34th street ever built.
--C train
Overheard by: A. Magnus
Fat girl: When I used to play Scrabble just for the words, I sucked.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Gregorio
Chick: Oh my god, you're so stupid. Canal Street isn't in Chinatown; it's in English, how could it be Chinatown?
--N train
Overheard by: Steph Lo
Drunk girl: I didn't have an ego until I started doing acid. My friend and I, we would just sit around and do acid and talk about how cool we were. We had this thing called "P.A.S." that stood for "Phat As Shit." We'd be like, "We...are P.A.S."
--Uncle Ming's, Avenue B
Homie: Yo, you see that shit on Family Guy? That nigga Quagmire be funny, son! That "giggity giggity" shit! Yo son, that nigga tied up a cheerleader and shit and always be trying to nail the little bitch.
--N train
Wednesday One-liners Head to Europe
Suit on cell: Hey, guess where I am?...Guess...I'm in Glasgow!
--Carmine & Bleecker
Overheard by: Chris Cotterman
Preppy guy: How am I racist? I'm Irish! I can't be racist!
--9th Street & 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Miss Hipstah
Woman on cell: My daughter went to Montreal. I was like, "Why do you have to go where the French go? Why couldn't you just go to Ontario?"
--55th & 3rd
Bag lady: Can I have a quarter? The Irish have taken over the YMCA.
--22nd & 5th
Overheard by: smanikas
Thug: Paisano?...It's like "my nigga" but in Italian.
--Times Square
Overheard by: KRUD
The Siblings of Wednesday One-liners
Al Bundy guy: ...So I told her, "Yo, I can't do that, you're my sister! You want it? Show me we're not blood. Prove to me we're not blood related. Then you can have it."
--Anbar Shoes, Reade Street
Latina: So, his name is Louis, and his brother's name is Louis--like can you get more Dominican?
--1 train
Overheard by: Karen
NYU girl: Yeah, I think I'm good looking. I mean, if I had a twin, I would totally hook up with him.
--Broadway & 10th
The Magic of Wednesday One-liners
Singing bag lady: My mother is a bitch! She's a voodoo bitch. She's a fucking whore. I hope that bitch gets cancer...the worst kind of cancer. She prevents me from getting a job with her voodoo.
--Bowling Green station
Overheard by: K2 Combo
Guy: That's the last time I date a girl with a cape.
--Bryant Park station
Girl:...I don't know why she hates me. She put a curse on me! But my mom took me to her healer and now I'm okay. I don't really remember much, though.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Emily Y.
Wednesday One-liners Eat Their Vegetables
Businesschick: I was standing next to this hot guy on the train this morning and all I could think about was how bad my scallions smelled.
--43rd & Broadway
Dude: Vegetables don't have calories. That's why Japanese people are so skinny.
--Autozone, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Norm
Woman: First of all, he was too tall for the carrot costume. And he was all twitchy...and sweaty. And his eyes were popping out.
--F train
"...He's gonna introduce me to his pals Jack & Coke."
Boy #1: You know, if I were a girl, I'd totally be attracted to Shelly's dad.
Boy #2: What?
Boy #1: No, seriously. Because he knows all those people, and he's, like, an alcoholic.
--Sassy's Sliders, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
That's a Sentencing
Girl #1: I just came came back for vacation.
Girl #2: Really? From where?
Girl #1: New Jersey.
Girl #2: What? That's not a vacation, bitch.
---R train
Bet His Pubes Are Big, Thick and Woodsy
Latina: Who you think got a bigger dick, A-Rod or Jeter?
Black chick: Thats a good one. I'm gonna say Jeter cause he half black.
Latina: True, true...
Black chick: Tiger Woods is half black too, but I bet he got a little rice dick.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Greg Sampson
There's a Twilight Zone Episode Here
Girl: That's weird. I'm on the subway and my cell phone rang.
Guy: We're on the bridge.
Girl: Oh shit! I was supposed to get off at Canal Street!
--Q train
Overheard by: David
Guy: This station needs to be named Hell.
--Canal Street station
Overheard by: Nic
And When Did Rue McClanahan First Outsexy Her?
Girl #1: Today is Madonna's birthday!
Girl #2: 60th?
--Office, 47th & 5th
Too Bad Investment Bankers Aren't Tired of School Boys
HS girl #1: I'm just so tired of school boys.
HS girl #2: Yeah. Me too. I'm pretty much all about investment bankers now.
HS girl #1: Oh my god. I'm so going to invite you to my next investment banker party.
--78th & Lex
Arnie Kriss: Friend of the Homed
Arnie Kriss: Vote Arnie Kriss for District Attorney.
Hobo: This man would not buy me a cup of coffee.
Arnie Kriss: Arnie Kriss for DA!
Hobo: This man would not buy a cup of coffee.
Arnie Kriss: Vote Kriss for DA.
Hobo: This man would not buy a cup of coffee.
--Bergen Street station
We Surveyed 100 New Yorkers; All Disagreed
Girl #1: So I don't wanna be all like, "whatever," because he, like, totally likes me.
Girl #2: He told me he thinks you're smart.
--R train
Overheard by: Jorge De La Garza
You Misunderstand the Nature of an Enema
Guy #1: They don't have my supplement here.
Guy #2: Try the health food store.
Guy #1: I would, but every time I go in there that woman tries to clean my aura.
--CVS, Bleecker Street
It's Rick James Who Sets Others on Fire
Teen girl #1: He called me a female dog.
Teen girl #2: Oh.
Teen girl #1: Then I set him on fire, and he was like, "Okay."
--Forest Hills
They Come Out at Night to Feed
Excerpts from the monologue of a crazy man in a diner. He is probably 60, very fat, and talking to a short 40ish Hispanic woman wearing a tiny flounce skirt and a t-shirt that says "BEAR". He is evidently a regular, because the waiters banter with him. He also mentions AA frequently.
Fat man: I promote models and actresses, but very slowly. I do it very, very slowly. You're a very attractive woman. I'd like to give you my number.
Fat man: It's the procrastinators who rule the world; the people who hurry end up dead.
Fat man: I've got 31 movies--31 movies!--I saw The Wedding Crashers, it was amazing.
Fat man: I can get you modeling; I can get you into mental health doing social work...you'll lose weight, you'll get married, you'll have what every woman wants. Except certain women are gay. And they want girlfriends and I accommodate that. I'm a saint. I'm a guru--I don't call myself a guru. I'm a saint. I save people.
Fat man: I was watching TV; this crazy thing happened. This guy loved his friend. And his friend was about to be stepped on by an elephant. And the guy put himself in front of his friend, what do you think happens? He gets stepped on by an elephant. It's terrible to watch these things.
--Coffee Shop, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Mollie
There's a Reason for Those Frogs, Unbeliever
Guy #1: I heard someone say Friday evening was so wild, a town on Long Island was hit with a tomato! What's up with that? A tomato? Is that like when it rains frogs for no reason?
Guy #2: That's tornado, you dick! Say it with me: tor-na-do!
Guy #1: Oh...okay.
--Penn Station
It's Made of Green Cheese, and That's the Moon
Girl #1: She said to meet her in front of some type of iron building.
Girl #2: What's that?
Girl #1: I don't know. Some building made out of iron. What's that building made out of?
--23rd & Broadway
Maybe We Should Be More Specific With Our Tags
Lady #1: I don't care what anyone thinks!
Lady #2: Yeah!
Lady #1: I like watermelon!
Lady #2: I hear ya! We can eat whatever we want!
--Central Park
Overheard by: ashley
Yeah, But There's Only a Pie-in-the-Sky Prize
Guy #1: Yeah, my mom said this church would help us find God or
something...
Guy #2: How are you supposed to find God?
Guy #1: Hell, I dunno, she said something about a treasure hunt...
--23rd & 10th
Overheard by: Karina
It Means He's Up for Re-election
Suit #1: So now the mayor wants this new festival.
Suit #2: Oh, yeah? Which one?
Suit #1: The Asian Heritage festival, whatever the hell that means.
--Chambers & Broadway
Overheard by: Chandini Davis
Convert to Islam and Then It's OK to Blow Her Up
College girl #1: I was just about to slap that bitch of a bus driver, but then I remembered it's a federal offense.
College girl #2: Federal? I think it's only a state offense.
College girl #1: Dammit!
--123rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Julia G
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.
Waiter: If the Health Department showed up now we'd be out of business tomorrow.
--Barrymore's, W. 45th Street
How to Respond to Accusations of Stupidity
Queer #1: God, it's so hot. I bet nudists must love it.
Queer #2: Why? They're still hot, too.
Queer #1: But all they have is pubey bushes. We actually have clothes that are making us hot.
Queer #2: You're stupid.
Queer #1: But I bet their balls and labias smell.
--50th Street 1 station
I'm Sure He Meant Nurse, and Stripper-Nurse
Chick: Hey, did the space shuttle land yet?
Man: No, it's still circling in space endlessly.
Chick: Really, so are they stuck up there?
Man: I'm kidding. It landed last week.
Chick: So did it land in California or at JFK?
Man: JFK? What the hell are you talking about? You mean the Kennedy Space Center, not JFK! I can't believe you're going to be a doctor.
--George Washington Bridge Bus Station
One of Them British Words Made Up by Nancy Stouffer
Guy: Naw, naw, I read that he died.
Girl: J.K. Rowling is a woman, and she's not dead; she just wrote this book.
Guy: Naw...you sure? I really think I read that he died.
Girl: No! Anyway, she said that in the wizarding world, Muggles--
Guy: Muggles? Oh, is that one of those British words?
Girl: No, it's just a word she made up.
Guy: Right, and we wouldn't understand it here, because it's one of them British words.
--M train
Overheard by: Kev
As We All Know, Liberty Now Resides in Iraq
Tourist girl: Is that the fake Statue of Liberty?
NYC girl: Yeah, the real one is in Jersey.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: weenie
Just Smear Some Deodorant on Them
Hippie guy #1: You know, I bet you could go your whole life without really needing to brush your teeth.
Hippie guy #2: Dude...totally.
--Prospect Park Bandshell
Overheard by: Dan S.
Better Than Fat People Doing It in Front of You
Girl #1: We should go to a karaoke bar, get a whole bunch of people and get a room.
Girl #2: A room?
Girl #1: Yeah, they have private rooms.
Girl #2: Oh! So you don't have to do it in front of fat people!
--11th Street between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Sure It Does!...Just Nothing Interesting
Crazy lady: Canada doesn't do this. You see this? You see this open gate blocking the sidewalk? Canada would never do this. This would never happen in Canada. Look at all these garbage bags on the side of the street. Now, that's glamorous. Real glamorous. This would never happen in Toronto. Canada would never do this. Hey, you! Canada doesn't do this.
Guy: Canada doesn't do a lot of things.
--12th Street between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Cari
Alert the Media! Mapplethorpe is Alive!
Girl: ...anyway, he was making money hand over foot--
Guy: Isn't it "hand over fist"?
Girl: It'll be "fist up your ass" if you don't stop interrupting me.
--Starbucks, Spring & Crosby
Overheard by: CS
"What do you mean, you're an Average Joe?"
Woman #1: She had been dating him for, like, two years and then she saw him on a reality dating show last night. Now she's going break up with him.
Woman #2: Well, maybe the show was filmed before they were dating. You know, sometimes those things take a while to get on the air.
Woman #1: They were going out for 2 years! Don't you think he should have at least mentioned to her, "By the way, I was on a dating show"?
--Duane Reade, 52nd between Madison & Park
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
It Depends on If You Lick Your Fingers
Guy #1: So does giving a guy a handjob make you gay?
Guy #2: If your wrist starts to hurt and you're still jerking him off, then you're gay.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jack Roberts
Actually, Do Mind the Bollocks
Women: Ugh! Excuse me?
Man: Excuse me? Excuse you!
Women: You keep grabbing your balls. It's not nice!
Man: You're right. I'm sorry.
--F train
Overheard by: MASON
Teenage girl: Don't fucking touch me! Your hand is so pubic; you've been scratching your balls all day long!
--L train
After the Hand Roll, She's Going to Cut Him into 6 Pieces
White woman: Are you available?
Teen Japanese boy: I'm sorry?
White woman: Are you...available?
Teen Japanese boy: Available for what?
White woman: You know...available?
Teen Japanese boy: Sorry, this is my stop.
--F train
Overheard by: Heather Red
When They Use Matzoh Instead of Graham
Pre-JAP: Oh, and? At the party, we're making schmores.
Jewish mom: S'mores.
Pre-JAP: That's what I said. Schmores.
--Loews, 42nd Street
Overheard by: Heather Hunter
Judge a Book by Its Readers, Not Its Cover
Girl #1: So, have you heard about Reading Lolita in Tehran?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: It's, like, the new Kite Runner. It's about these Afghani women...
--6 train