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August 2005 Archives
Wednesday One-liners Jiggle That Coffee Cup
Hobo: Look at you on your cell phone talking all about yo' business. I don't want to hear yo' business. You keep that private shit to yo'self. All cell phones should be put on the moon.
--53rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Chelk
The Excessive Violence of Wednesday One-liners
Suit: All right, here's my analysis. We are going to take Steve and put him in the middle of Times Square and set him on fire.
--Nassau & Wall
Conduct Yourself with Some Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Next stop, the street formerly known as Prince Street.
--R train
Overheard by: Rachel Kolb
They Spell It as Wendsday One-liners
Woman on cell: Little did I know you can't keep charging if you never pay the bill.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Maggie and David
The Evolution of Wednesday One-liners
Girl: ...The only time I was hanging out with girls was when I was cheatin', 'cause I needed an escape goat.
--R train
Overheard by: Clara
The Wednesday One-liners Bizarre Guide to NY
Dad: See there? When people tell you to go jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, that's where you have to go.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Jackie Randazzo
Wednesday One-liners Get on My Nerves
Guy: The people here are so friendly...It's kind of annoying.
--PS 1, LIC
Wednesday One-liners Still Haven't Gone to Bed
Queer: It was my dealer's fault. If he had coke I would've done coke. He only had crystal, so we did crystal.
--Therapy, W. 52nd Street
Bon Appetit, Wednesday One-liners
Chinese boy: What street is this? Onion Street?
--N train, Union Street station
The Wednesday One-liners Red Eye
Stewardess lady: If there is a sudden change in cabin pressure, a mask compartment above your seat will open automatically. If this happens, quickly reach for the nearest mask and pull it down firmly. Continue to breathe normally. If you are travelling with a small child, or someone who acts like a small child, please secure your mask and then assist them.
--JFK
Overheard by: Amy
Rick James' Wednesday One-liners
Queer: That bitch thinks he's some Andy Warhol superstar! Fuck him bloody!
--Ludlow & Houston
Wednesday One-liners Dress You Up
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm wearing ahhh...a football jersey and Speedos.
--Houston & Allen
Overheard by: M!J
Depends on How Much Axle Grease You Put on It
Conductor: Good news for riders going local. This train is not going express, as previously announced, but going local, like normal. If there's such a thing as normal...Questions? Comments? Suggestions? See your conductor, located in the center of the train. Don't just walk around confused. Ask me! I know! Usually...Just a reminder to turn those frowns upside-down. Smiling burns more calories!
Guy: Giving the finger to the conductor burns calories, too.
--R train
Overheard by: Dawn
The Bosom Buddies Movie Looks Really Dumb
Yuppie guy #1: I'll have a strawberry margarita. As fruity as possible. I just cover it up with a wife and kids.
Yuppie guy #2: Hey, I'm married, and I'm still not comfortable with my sexuality.
Yuppie guy #1: Really?
--79th Street Boat Basin
Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein
Which Class Do I Take to Learn About Blaming Jews?
Shopgirl #1: So school starts again soon?
Shopgirl #2: Yeah. School starts soon. But it's not anything interesting, like math. It's like, all history and sociology and ethnics. Ethics.
--American Apparel, E. Houston Street
Overheard by: isti
That Is, Like Powdered Joy
Guy #1: You have a problem with that shit.
Guy #2: I don't like doing coke, I just like the way it smells.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Chris Nixon
Man, That Hobo Sure Gets Around
Hipster chick #1: ...So I was giving this guy a handjob and he wasn't circumcised...it was so bizarre looking.
Hipster chick #2: I know, isn't it so weird? I'm all like, "What am I supposed to do with that thing at the top? Touch it, play with it, leave it alone?"
--5th & A
Girl #1: I just saw a bum peeing on 88th Street.
Girl #2: Was it big?
Girl #1: I didn't notice. He was a bum. Even if he had John Holmes' cock, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.
Girl #2: Was it big?
Girl #1: Not really.
--6 train
Overheard by: Matt Montini
Falling and Chipping Your Dentures Isn't a "New Trick"
Girl #1: Jeez, that old woman just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, I wanted to push her.
Girl #2: You're never too old to learn a lesson.
--Balthazar, Spring Street
Overheard by: zrd
As If Carrot Top Doesn't Know His Own Tag Line
Hobo: Does anyone have a quarter so I can make a phone call?
Dude: You don't need a quarter; just dial down the center, 1-800-CALL-ATT.
--23rd & Park
Overheard by: CoolyMadooly
You Know, You Could Vote Republican
Shoshana Bean: We keep messing up. God hates us!
Scott Alan: God hates us both. That's awesome!
--The Duplex, Christopher Street
Overheard by: Thompson Patton
Good Thing You're Selling Water
Peddler #1: Ice cold water! Cold water for a hot lady!...Damn girl, a look like that?
Peddler #2: Girl like that don't need no ice.
--Canal & Broadway
They Can't Possibly Squeeze Any Blood in There
Fashionista #1: Oh my God. I am so tired!
Fashionista #2: Me too. Let's make this quick because I totally want to go home like right now.
Fashionista #1: Okay. You know, I think the key to a successful shopping trip is spending only a couple of hours at each store.
Fashionista #2: Definitely. Anything more just makes my blood sugar get too low, you know?
--Macy's fitting rooms, West 34th Street
Overheard by: Lindsay
Proving Zombie Hamilton's Fears About Democracy
Guy: That's a really old graveyard. They have tombstones going back to the 1600s.
Girl: I dont understand. How is that possible?
Guy: It's an old church. People were buried there a long time ago.
Girl: Yeah, but wasn't our country made around the 1770s?
Guy: Yes, but there were colonists here from France, England and Spain before that.
Girl: So they brought their dead relatives over here to bury them?
--Trinity Church
Overheard by: Jonathan Bloom
That's Better Than Fuckin' The Homeless
Hobo: Got any money, man? I'm hungry.
Guy: Hey, how are you?
Hobo: How am I? How the fuck do you think I am, 50 fuckin' people walked by and how much do I got? 10 fuckin cents, how the fuck am I. Shit, man. "How the fuck are you?" What kind of question is that? I'm fuckin' homeless.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Erin H.
This Would Be a Great Start to a Horrible Sitcom
Drunk girl in stall #1: I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do now. My ex took the apartment.
Drunk girl in stall #3: That happened to my friend, but she's a hooker now.
Drunk girl in stall #1: Oh my god, really?
Drunk girl in stall #3: Yeah...but she knows this guy who can get me a really good deal on coats. You want one?
--Women's bathroom, Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Sober girl in stall #2
Oh, Cry Me a River
Girl #1: He used to hang out at Bungalow 8 and do coke with Joaquin Phoenix all the time.
Guy #1: That's so cool!
Girl #2: How can Joaquin Phoenix do coke? He's a vegan!
Girl #1: Vegans can't do coke?
Girl #2: Well, being vegan is supposedly to be all...conscious and stuff.
Guy #2: Does he think they make coke with meat?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: ~dana
Depends on If You're a Top or Not
Tween girl #1: His hair is sometimes awful, but it's sometimes so perfect.
Tween girl #2: I think that's what gay hair is like.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: emily clinch
He's So Obviously Some Murderer
Bag lady: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I have not had a meal in four days. If anyone can spare anything I would appreciate it...
Guy: Ma'am? Sit down here a second...Ma'am, these people may be fooled into compassion by your story, but I am not. I was out in the desert in Mexico once, just south of the Big Bend, and went eight days without a bite to eat. Out of pure desperation, on the ninth day I attacked a javelina with a sharp rock. I ate half of that pig raw before the thing quit kicking and died...
Woman: Good God!
Guy: Four days is nothing. If I see you again on the 2nd, and you're up to seven days, I'll take you out for a meal. I've taken up one minute of your time. Pro-rating a six-dollar-an-hour salary, that minute is worth ten cents. That's before taxes of course, but I'm sure your accountant will sort all of that out for you. Good luck.
--6 train
Overheard by: BC Slais
Makes for Easy Carpet/Drapes Matching
Suit: Have you ever seen Conan in HD? His face looks like a scrotum.
--Maggie's Place, E. 47th Street
Overheard by: Grimbil
Some of Us Call It Seared
Guy #1: The menu is on the board.
Guy #2: What's the sea red dumpling?
Guy #1: Sea red? What are you talking about?
Guy #2: Right there, monster...sea red.
--Dumpling Man, St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Rathan Haran
He Didn't See That Jen Looks Like She Has Down's
Teen girl #1: Oh my gosh, Brad Pitt is such an idiot.
Teen girl #2: I know, he never should've left Jen.
Teen girl #1: No, I mean, can't he see that the baby is clearly not his?
--Penn Station newsstand
Cue the Least Romantic Song Ever
Thug #1: Kelly Bundy's dancing on Broadway.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: She broke both her legs. I think she in a wheelchair.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: I bet she dance good. She hot.
Thug #2: I'd break her clit if I had the chance.
--F train
Girl: If I hear another show tune out of context I think I'm going to vomit. Physically vomit. You know that feeling?
Guy: Uh, no.
--42nd between 9th & 10th
Yes, It's Called Tanning
Guy: Your dad has really cool sunglasses.
Girl: Yeah, they're the kind that get darker when it gets light.
Guy: I knew a girl like that once.
--93rd & Park
Now Try to Explain Cell Phones vs. Cordless
Cell phone chick: So if you upgrade to this new plan for $10 more a month, we'll give you a totally free phone. $0, free of charge. All you have to do is mail in a $50 rebate form.
Woman: Wait, I thought it was free.
Cell phone chick: It is, you just pay me $50, and then send in the rebate form and they'll mail you a $50 check.
Woman: Wait, but it's not free? My husband will kill me if I spend
money on a new phone. What's 50 minus 50?...I went to Syracuse University, I'm a college educated person, and I'm still confused. Is it free?
--Verizon, 34th between Broadway & 7th
Overheard by: Jordan the Intern
Sex With Two Gay Men Sure Won't Cause Sanity
Queer #1: So how is that girlfriend of yours?
Queer #2: What girlfriend?
Queer #1: You know, the one we had the threesome with.
Queer #2: Oh yeah, Constance...oh, she's crazy.
--Greenwich & Gansevoort
He Was Cooking Up Some Unbeatable Spicy Rock
Man #1: Dude, you won't believe who I just saw in the park!
Man #2: Yeah, I heard Avril was there.
Man #1: Fuck that shit, bro. I just saw Emeril there doing some Good Morning American shit. BAM!
--40th between Broadway & 6th
Overheard by: Gregorio
Being Scared of Rosie Makes Plenty of Sense
Girl: I always thought she was a cool girl and she kind of intimidated me. I know that makes no sense, because--
Queer: --because she's a fat lesbian?
--Horatio & Hudson
Overheard by: Shane
Yeah, People Have Seen Magic
Boy, 6: It was magic.
Mom: No, it wasn't magic; it was a miracle. There is a difference.
--Broadway & Dey
We're Certainly Not Telling
British man #1: Well, what should we see?
British man #2: Oh, I don't know. How about...Fosse?
British man #1: Oh, no! Not Fosse!
British man #2: Now what's wrong with Fosse?
British man #1: The thing about Fosse is we already know how it ends!
British man #2: What happens?
--TKTS, Duffy Square
Overheard by: EAC425
You Know You're a Hipster When Your Insults Are Retro
Girl: So what does that mean? I don't know how to read him. And when he does all these sexual things for me and asks nothing in return, does that mean he loves me or that I will owe him in the future?
Guy: Cut it out already, bunny boiler!
--Hudson Hotel, West 58th Street