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September 2005 Archives
She's Going to Pass It Through a Firewall
Chick: So, when exactly are you downloading?
Preggers: Oh, the doctor says in about 3 weeks.
--70th & Columbus
Your Tax Dollars at Work
Dude #1: I hate these bathrooms 'cause everyone's showing off their dicks.
Dude #2: No, they got guys trying to look over to see.
--Port Authority
You're So Getting Dropped from the Friends List
Guy #1: All the hipsters in your neighborhood make me want to puke.
Guy #2: I wouldn't say that too loud, but yeah, I share your sentiment.
Guy #1: What are they going to do? Cough angrily at me?
--St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Lemon
Not Quite Absolutely Fabulous
Chick: He was not really completely gay.
Guy: What was he, then?
Chick: He was more just completely fabulous.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: jennifer
Girl: I'm pathetic enough but not fabulous enough to be a fag hag.
--The Ansonia, 73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Girl #1: You shouldn't feel sorry for yourself. We are single and fabulous, explanation point.
Girl #2: ...Don't you mean "exclamation point"?
--Garden Cafe, Inwood
Guy #1: ...I walked in and the warehouse was just full of tiny little boots.
Guy #2: That sounds fabulous.
--Central Park
I Hope She Means a Man and Not an Infant
Girl #1: You were right, she's preggers.
Girl #2: I knew it. How old do you think she is?
Girl #1: I dunno, a year or two older than we are?
Girl #2: That's it? I don't even have a boyfriend, and she's having a baby. I swear to God, I'll give myself until 32, and then I'm trapping someone.
--15th & 5th
"How about I just take yours?"
Hobo: Hey, are you trying to get laid today?
Chick: No, not today.
Hobo: Well give me your number.
--Union Square
She Meant Faster Than Lightning, Flipper
Yuppie guy #1: So my boss accused me today of being on drugs.
Yuppie guy #2: Really? But you've been clean for months...
Yuppie guy #1: I know! But still, my boss told me I type like a Thalidomide child.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Kenneth Menzel
Guys, He Was Speaking Literally
Pregnant woman: Can I cut in front of you, it's an emergency?
Unpregnant man: Yeah no problem, but you better name that shit after me.
--Famiglia, 8th & Broadway
It Gets Worse and Worse as His Clothes Come Off
Drunk girl #1: He's totally cute, but I find his moles distracting.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah and he kinda reminds me of a Klingon...I'd still make out with him though.
--Thompson & Bleecker
What, Objectifying is for Presidents Only? How 90s!
Suit #1: ...so I went to her house and she was still begging and I kept saying "no", and then she--
He makes a handjob gesture.
Suit #1: --and then I went home.
Suit #2: Have you seen [Laura], the new chick in the office?
Suit #3: I probably shouldn't be saying this since I'm Vice President, but she's got a great figure on her.
--S train
Overheard by: Michelle
The "I Heart My Birkinese" Shirt was Just Weird
Ticket lady: I'm sorry, no pets allowed.
Woman: But even if the dog is in a bag?
--Central Park
Overheard by: armur
"What, we're going to end up on some lame blog?"
Girl: So are you still upset about her?
Guy: No, it's okay, her breath smells funny...like poop.
Girl: I had a swim coach like that. So does her breath really smell like poop?
Guy: Did you have to say it that loud?
--New York Public Library, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Andrew Marsh
So That's Who Sparks Wrote Their Song About
Girl #1: All old people talk about is food.
Girl #2: Well, all we talk about is sex.
--71st & 3rd
Overheard by: sandy fishnets
Completely Unlike Lindsay
Chick #1: I saw Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan making out on the street and now she has his band's symbol or whatever tattooed on her foot. They're so going out.
Chick #2: Don't you read the tabloids? That's old news.
Chick #1: The tabloids said they fucked. Just because they fucked does not mean they're going out. Look at me; I've fucked the whole world and I'm not seeing anyone. This time they're going out.
Chick #2: Yeah, you are a whore.
--Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th
Somewhere, Marcel Duchamp is Chortling
Guy #1: How was it?
Guy #2: It was cool. Paris was fun, except for a few days we spent at museums...We went one day to this place...The Love or something...I guess it was all right. There were definitely a lot of people there...Julie was freaking out about this one painting, though.
Guy #1: What painting?
Guy #2: The Mona Lisa.
Guy #1: ...huh. Don't think I know it...I'm not really an art person though.
Guy #2: Yeah, I didn't know it either. It's by Michelangelo I think. But I didn't really get it...it's really small.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: Stephanie Porto
Bonus Points for "You're Fired" Usage
Mother: When I'm so old that I think it's okay to wear a fanny pack, please just set me on fire and walk away.
Chick: Okay.
--Brooklyn Heights Promenade
"Wow, I thought I was eating Hot Pockets!"
Guy #1: I realized what the worst food ever is.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Lean Pockets.
--Gold's Gym, W. 54th Street
Overheard by: Blake Henderson
Blame the New Snarky Anne Frank Translation
Guy: So I was talking to my grandfather last night.
Girl: The one who survived Auschwitz?
Guy: No, the one who died there.
--A train
Overheard by: Greg Pierce
He Did Say "Little"
Guy: I was just so freakin' relieved about finishing the report I started doing a little dance.
Girl: Were you naked?
--Union Square
The Present of an Illusion
Girl: They're making a musical of Siegfried and Roy's life.
Guy: Didn't they do that on Friends already?
Girl: They did?
Guy: Yeah, remember Joey was the singing psychiatrist?
--Wall & Exchange
Girl #1: I wish we coulda seen those magicians with the tigers, but they don't perform anymore...
Girl #2: You mean Sigmund Freud and Roy?
--Circulo Theater, E. 4th Street
Overheard by: scott cendali
At the Very Least That Dog's Pretty Smart
A blind woman and her dog are making their way into a Duane Reade through the "Out" door, with difficulty to keep the door open. Behind them is a WASP lady, waiting to get in.
Blind woman: Good, good, now make a hard left, to the counter, to the counter.
WASP lady: Idiots.
--74th & 3rd
I Suppose the Le Tigre Shirt is a Coincidence, Too
Girl #1: Damn you're so unhip these days.
Girl #2: What, because I don't want to bed with my supposedly straight female friend?
Girl #1: The club: Bed. You really need to get out more.
--Madame X, Houston Street
Overheard by: Leonora Seinfeld
Snapple Fact: No One Was in the Men's Room
A wheeltard, one leg a stump, grows more and more agitated while waiting for someone to come out of the men's room. He starts banging his chair repeatedly into the door. Finally it opens. He rolls into the doorway.
Wheeltard: I could kick your motherfucking ass if I had another leg, motherfucker! How do you know I don't have a gun? In fact, I do have a gun!
--McDonald's, Delancey Street
Overheard by: Sarah T.
Wednesday One-liners File a Complaint
Guy: Ugh! It feels like bodies up in here!
--83rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Kitty Aizer
Wednesday One-liners Face It
Photographer lady: They didn't de-jowl him, which surprised me.
--Once Upon a Tart, Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Sara T.
Wednesday One-liners Aren't Quite Relating
Girlfriend: Your family can't be any worse than my roommates at boarding school. The worst was when they made me dress up like a cowboy and do stripteases to early Madonna.
-Q train
Overheard by: Jonathan Graves
Hungry for Wednesday One-liners
Woman: So, yesterday I think I ate dog food again.
--Elevator, 90th & Colombus
Overheard by: Louise XIV
Wednesday One-liners' Ark
Crazy lady: We are ready to explain! She, however, will be with the dog...What do you think about that walker-talker? Why don't you go walk and talk!"
--F train
Overheard by: Oh Miss Lauren
Wednesday One-liners v. Mapquest
Tourist girl: Where's Macy's?
--Ground Zero
The Financing of Wednesday One-liners
Street salesman: Come over, buy yourself a belt. If you got a big butt, buy two belts.
--Brooklyn Heights
Still Fashion Week for Wednesday One-liners
Guy: I like Bin Laden, you know? I like his style. Nobody can figure that motherfucker out. Hell, I'd wear a t-shirt with that motherfucker's face on it. The snipers, they be tryin' to find him and didn't find shit. I give him mad credit. He bad ass.
--Post Office, 42nd between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Babs Monroe
Wednesday One-liners NEVAR FORGET
Guy: You are a walking Katrina, you know that?
--C train
Overheard by: Jill Beirne
Wednesday One-liners Gotta Go!
Wasted guy: Oh man. I just shit my pants...I can't believe I shit my pants.
--Carroll Gardens
Spit, Swallow or Wednesday One-liners?
Teen guy: Yeah, I fucked that retarded girl. She didn't really know what was going on...but I busted in her.
--Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Philec
Wednesday One-liners Watch the Calendar
Conductor: This is 33rd Street, please remember to take all personal belongings off with you, and let me be the first to wish you a merry Christmas!
--PATH train
Overheard by: elise n
Blondie is a Group!
Crazy man: Why do blondes only hang out with other blondes? Why do blondes only hang out with other blonds? Why do blonds only hang out with other blonds?
Chick: Shut up.
Crazy man: Hey Blondie, I wasn't asking you.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Thompson Patton
Not Gay, But Likes the "Tourist" Double Entendre
Guy #1: So we're entering the West Village.
Guy #2: Oh yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah...it's sort of...the gay part of town.
Guy #2: Yeah? So...is there, like...a gay bar in the area we could go to?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: kjd
It's All About Rita Now, MTV Generation
Twin girl #A: Yeah, she said she was going to do the school year here.
Unique girl: She came from Kentucky? Why did she come so far?
Twin girl #B: Louisiana is a state. Kentucky is another state.
Unique girl: Oh, well why'd she come to New York? Couldn't she stay in her house in Louisiana?
Twin girl #A: Um, no, a hurricane hit New Orleans. That's why she's here.
Unique girl: Right, right. I forgot about that.
--Kew Gardens station
Best Not to Look Directly At It
B&T guy: Do you know where Ludlow Street is?
Woman: It's that way, towards Jersey.
--Stanton & Suffolk
Who Knew Ruxpin Would Become a Basehead?
Drunk chick #1: Look, I have, like, fucking trackmarks. It's like a hole!
Drunk chick #2: Oh my God! It looks like a teddy bear!
--W. 4th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Kaitlen
We All Know That Didn't Happen
Woman #1: I was watching this travel show the other night, and there was a bit about this cathedral in Prague built entirely out of bones.
Woman #2: Human bones?
Woman #1: Yeah. I think it was done as a memorial to the Jews that died in World War II.
--Michael Jordan's Steak House, Vanderbilt Avenue
No One Ever Says "He's Hung Like a Pony"
Girl: Oh my God! I meant to tell you!
Guy: What?
Girl: Yesterday I was walking on 5th Avenue and this horde of middle-aged women stopped me to ask where I got my Ralph Lauren shirt.
Guy: No way!
Girl: It was great.
Guy: The one with the big horse on it?
Girl: It's a pony, not a horse!
Guy: What's the difference?
Girl: It's different.
Guy: Can you explain the difference?
Girl: No.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pixelvisions