Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
September 2005 Archives
She's Going to Pass It Through a Firewall
Chick: So, when exactly are you downloading?
Preggers: Oh, the doctor says in about 3 weeks.
--70th & Columbus
Your Tax Dollars at Work
Dude #1: I hate these bathrooms 'cause everyone's showing off their dicks.
Dude #2: No, they got guys trying to look over to see.
--Port Authority
You're So Getting Dropped from the Friends List
Guy #1: All the hipsters in your neighborhood make me want to puke.
Guy #2: I wouldn't say that too loud, but yeah, I share your sentiment.
Guy #1: What are they going to do? Cough angrily at me?
--St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Lemon
Not Quite Absolutely Fabulous
Chick: He was not really completely gay.
Guy: What was he, then?
Chick: He was more just completely fabulous.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: jennifer
Girl: I'm pathetic enough but not fabulous enough to be a fag hag.
--The Ansonia, 73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Girl #1: You shouldn't feel sorry for yourself. We are single and fabulous, explanation point.
Girl #2: ...Don't you mean "exclamation point"?
--Garden Cafe, Inwood
Guy #1: ...I walked in and the warehouse was just full of tiny little boots.
Guy #2: That sounds fabulous.
--Central Park
I Hope She Means a Man and Not an Infant
Girl #1: You were right, she's preggers.
Girl #2: I knew it. How old do you think she is?
Girl #1: I dunno, a year or two older than we are?
Girl #2: That's it? I don't even have a boyfriend, and she's having a baby. I swear to God, I'll give myself until 32, and then I'm trapping someone.
--15th & 5th
"How about I just take yours?"
Hobo: Hey, are you trying to get laid today?
Chick: No, not today.
Hobo: Well give me your number.
--Union Square
She Meant Faster Than Lightning, Flipper
Yuppie guy #1: So my boss accused me today of being on drugs.
Yuppie guy #2: Really? But you've been clean for months...
Yuppie guy #1: I know! But still, my boss told me I type like a Thalidomide child.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Kenneth Menzel
Guys, He Was Speaking Literally
Pregnant woman: Can I cut in front of you, it's an emergency?
Unpregnant man: Yeah no problem, but you better name that shit after me.
--Famiglia, 8th & Broadway
It Gets Worse and Worse as His Clothes Come Off
Drunk girl #1: He's totally cute, but I find his moles distracting.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah and he kinda reminds me of a Klingon...I'd still make out with him though.
--Thompson & Bleecker
What, Objectifying is for Presidents Only? How 90s!
Suit #1: ...so I went to her house and she was still begging and I kept saying "no", and then she--
He makes a handjob gesture.
Suit #1: --and then I went home.
Suit #2: Have you seen [Laura], the new chick in the office?
Suit #3: I probably shouldn't be saying this since I'm Vice President, but she's got a great figure on her.
--S train
Overheard by: Michelle
The "I Heart My Birkinese" Shirt was Just Weird
Ticket lady: I'm sorry, no pets allowed.
Woman: But even if the dog is in a bag?
--Central Park
Overheard by: armur
"What, we're going to end up on some lame blog?"
Girl: So are you still upset about her?
Guy: No, it's okay, her breath smells funny...like poop.
Girl: I had a swim coach like that. So does her breath really smell like poop?
Guy: Did you have to say it that loud?
--New York Public Library, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Andrew Marsh
So That's Who Sparks Wrote Their Song About
Girl #1: All old people talk about is food.
Girl #2: Well, all we talk about is sex.
--71st & 3rd
Overheard by: sandy fishnets
Completely Unlike Lindsay
Chick #1: I saw Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan making out on the street and now she has his band's symbol or whatever tattooed on her foot. They're so going out.
Chick #2: Don't you read the tabloids? That's old news.
Chick #1: The tabloids said they fucked. Just because they fucked does not mean they're going out. Look at me; I've fucked the whole world and I'm not seeing anyone. This time they're going out.
Chick #2: Yeah, you are a whore.
--Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th
Somewhere, Marcel Duchamp is Chortling
Guy #1: How was it?
Guy #2: It was cool. Paris was fun, except for a few days we spent at museums...We went one day to this place...The Love or something...I guess it was all right. There were definitely a lot of people there...Julie was freaking out about this one painting, though.
Guy #1: What painting?
Guy #2: The Mona Lisa.
Guy #1: ...huh. Don't think I know it...I'm not really an art person though.
Guy #2: Yeah, I didn't know it either. It's by Michelangelo I think. But I didn't really get it...it's really small.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: Stephanie Porto
Bonus Points for "You're Fired" Usage
Mother: When I'm so old that I think it's okay to wear a fanny pack, please just set me on fire and walk away.
Chick: Okay.
--Brooklyn Heights Promenade
"Wow, I thought I was eating Hot Pockets!"
Guy #1: I realized what the worst food ever is.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Lean Pockets.
--Gold's Gym, W. 54th Street
Overheard by: Blake Henderson
Blame the New Snarky Anne Frank Translation
Guy: So I was talking to my grandfather last night.
Girl: The one who survived Auschwitz?
Guy: No, the one who died there.
--A train
Overheard by: Greg Pierce
He Did Say "Little"
Guy: I was just so freakin' relieved about finishing the report I started doing a little dance.
Girl: Were you naked?
--Union Square
The Present of an Illusion
Girl: They're making a musical of Siegfried and Roy's life.
Guy: Didn't they do that on Friends already?
Girl: They did?
Guy: Yeah, remember Joey was the singing psychiatrist?
--Wall & Exchange
Girl #1: I wish we coulda seen those magicians with the tigers, but they don't perform anymore...
Girl #2: You mean Sigmund Freud and Roy?
--Circulo Theater, E. 4th Street
Overheard by: scott cendali
At the Very Least That Dog's Pretty Smart
A blind woman and her dog are making their way into a Duane Reade through the "Out" door, with difficulty to keep the door open. Behind them is a WASP lady, waiting to get in.
Blind woman: Good, good, now make a hard left, to the counter, to the counter.
WASP lady: Idiots.
--74th & 3rd
I Suppose the Le Tigre Shirt is a Coincidence, Too
Girl #1: Damn you're so unhip these days.
Girl #2: What, because I don't want to bed with my supposedly straight female friend?
Girl #1: The club: Bed. You really need to get out more.
--Madame X, Houston Street
Overheard by: Leonora Seinfeld
Snapple Fact: No One Was in the Men's Room
A wheeltard, one leg a stump, grows more and more agitated while waiting for someone to come out of the men's room. He starts banging his chair repeatedly into the door. Finally it opens. He rolls into the doorway.
Wheeltard: I could kick your motherfucking ass if I had another leg, motherfucker! How do you know I don't have a gun? In fact, I do have a gun!
--McDonald's, Delancey Street
Overheard by: Sarah T.
Wednesday One-liners File a Complaint
Guy: Ugh! It feels like bodies up in here!
--83rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Kitty Aizer
Wednesday One-liners Face It
Photographer lady: They didn't de-jowl him, which surprised me.
--Once Upon a Tart, Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Sara T.
Wednesday One-liners Aren't Quite Relating
Girlfriend: Your family can't be any worse than my roommates at boarding school. The worst was when they made me dress up like a cowboy and do stripteases to early Madonna.
-Q train
Overheard by: Jonathan Graves
Hungry for Wednesday One-liners
Woman: So, yesterday I think I ate dog food again.
--Elevator, 90th & Colombus
Overheard by: Louise XIV
Wednesday One-liners' Ark
Crazy lady: We are ready to explain! She, however, will be with the dog...What do you think about that walker-talker? Why don't you go walk and talk!"
--F train
Overheard by: Oh Miss Lauren
Wednesday One-liners v. Mapquest
Tourist girl: Where's Macy's?
--Ground Zero
The Financing of Wednesday One-liners
Street salesman: Come over, buy yourself a belt. If you got a big butt, buy two belts.
--Brooklyn Heights
Still Fashion Week for Wednesday One-liners
Guy: I like Bin Laden, you know? I like his style. Nobody can figure that motherfucker out. Hell, I'd wear a t-shirt with that motherfucker's face on it. The snipers, they be tryin' to find him and didn't find shit. I give him mad credit. He bad ass.
--Post Office, 42nd between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Babs Monroe
Wednesday One-liners NEVAR FORGET
Guy: You are a walking Katrina, you know that?
--C train
Overheard by: Jill Beirne
Wednesday One-liners Gotta Go!
Wasted guy: Oh man. I just shit my pants...I can't believe I shit my pants.
--Carroll Gardens
Spit, Swallow or Wednesday One-liners?
Teen guy: Yeah, I fucked that retarded girl. She didn't really know what was going on...but I busted in her.
--Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Philec
Wednesday One-liners Watch the Calendar
Conductor: This is 33rd Street, please remember to take all personal belongings off with you, and let me be the first to wish you a merry Christmas!
--PATH train
Overheard by: elise n
Blondie is a Group!
Crazy man: Why do blondes only hang out with other blondes? Why do blondes only hang out with other blonds? Why do blonds only hang out with other blonds?
Chick: Shut up.
Crazy man: Hey Blondie, I wasn't asking you.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Thompson Patton
Not Gay, But Likes the "Tourist" Double Entendre
Guy #1: So we're entering the West Village.
Guy #2: Oh yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah...it's sort of...the gay part of town.
Guy #2: Yeah? So...is there, like...a gay bar in the area we could go to?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: kjd
It's All About Rita Now, MTV Generation
Twin girl #A: Yeah, she said she was going to do the school year here.
Unique girl: She came from Kentucky? Why did she come so far?
Twin girl #B: Louisiana is a state. Kentucky is another state.
Unique girl: Oh, well why'd she come to New York? Couldn't she stay in her house in Louisiana?
Twin girl #A: Um, no, a hurricane hit New Orleans. That's why she's here.
Unique girl: Right, right. I forgot about that.
--Kew Gardens station
Best Not to Look Directly At It
B&T guy: Do you know where Ludlow Street is?
Woman: It's that way, towards Jersey.
--Stanton & Suffolk
Who Knew Ruxpin Would Become a Basehead?
Drunk chick #1: Look, I have, like, fucking trackmarks. It's like a hole!
Drunk chick #2: Oh my God! It looks like a teddy bear!
--W. 4th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Kaitlen
We All Know That Didn't Happen
Woman #1: I was watching this travel show the other night, and there was a bit about this cathedral in Prague built entirely out of bones.
Woman #2: Human bones?
Woman #1: Yeah. I think it was done as a memorial to the Jews that died in World War II.
--Michael Jordan's Steak House, Vanderbilt Avenue
No One Ever Says "He's Hung Like a Pony"
Girl: Oh my God! I meant to tell you!
Guy: What?
Girl: Yesterday I was walking on 5th Avenue and this horde of middle-aged women stopped me to ask where I got my Ralph Lauren shirt.
Guy: No way!
Girl: It was great.
Guy: The one with the big horse on it?
Girl: It's a pony, not a horse!
Guy: What's the difference?
Girl: It's different.
Guy: Can you explain the difference?
Girl: No.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pixelvisions
Those Incomprehensible Youth Gay Codes
Boy inside elevator: Going up?
Boy outside elevator: I'm going down.
Boy inside elevator: Well, I'm in the elevator, and I'm going up.
Boy outside elevator: Oh...fine, be that way.
--Lafeyette Street Residence
Guy #1: Dude, you still sleeping in the closet?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: You got an air mattress or anything in there yet?
Guy #2: Yeah, I've got a little mattress in there now. Still pretty sad though...I'm also drunk.
--East Campus dorm, Columbia University
Overheard by: merrellham
We Painted It With Kurt's Brains
Tourist girl #1: It's like the Space Needle, only with wire.
Tourist girl #2: And red.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Lindsey Moore
Some Wiseass Tried to Pull a U-turn
Girl #1: Why is this train going so slow?
Girl #2: ...There's probably traffic.
--7 train
Overheard by: Erica
She Works Magic with That Trunk--in the Kitchen
Magyar lady #1: See that woman over there? Why does a woman that big come out of the house?
Magyar lady #2: And that floral dress? She looks like an elephant!
Magyar lady #1: Oh look, the elephant is walking past again.
Magyar lady #2: Why don't any of the elephant's friends tell her how bad she looks?
Guy on next bench: If you ladies will excuse me, I'm off to go join my wife, the elephant.
Translated from the Hungarian.
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
One Doesn't "Pass" an IQ Test, Uncle Irony
After the woman sent them to the wrong place twice, my uncle went back to the information desk.
Uncle: Excuse me, but did you have to pass an IQ test to get this job?
Information lady: I'm wearing my eyeglasses.
--JFK
Thanks for Telling Us How to Make You a Bedwetter
Boy: I'm scared of skeletons.
Chick: How come? They're just bones.
Boy: No, evil ones. Like pirate skeletons.
--Port Authority
Try Any College Student's Garbage Can
Chick: Dave, you've heard of Foucault, right?
Guy: No, I don't have one.
--143rd & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Heavily Rumored to Be a Biplane
Guy #1: So apparently, Jodie Foster loses her daughter on this, like, plane that she designed.
Guy #2: Whoa, really?
Guy #1: Yeah, and it's supposed to be like the biggest plane ever built.
Guy #2: Wait, Jodie Foster in real life?
--Cantor Film Center, E. 8th Street
Overheard by: Emily Pearle
He Does Dayenu But Not on Saturday
Yarmulke guy: You play the guitar?
Blue collar guy: Yeah, but not Havah Nagila or anything.
--3 train
Where is King Syphilitic Dementia's "Fireplace"?
Hobo: I am the king, bow down before me...The president of the United States is a retarded fuck. American people don't care about life. Why fight for America? Fuck sending a bunch of people over there to kill and be killed. It's ridiculous. Bush thinks it's okay. He's the dictator, he's the bad man. If I ever get my hands on him, I'm gonna torture his ass. I'll cut his dick off. I'll take a pipe from the fireplace and stick it up his ass. I'm the king. I'll always be the king. I say this...Don't ever believe America. America is godless. The people are full of shit. Anyone who goes to war for America has got to be out their motherfuckin' mind.
--Central Park
Overheard by: psd
Translation: Beating Off to Maureen Dowd
Guy #1: What are you gonna do today?
Guy #2: Hang out, catch up on the Monday Times.
Guy #1: You mean the Sunday Times?
Guy #2: No. The Monday Times.
Guy #1: Oh. Okay, man.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: pb dot c
Why Even the Rich Love Public Transportation Here
A black guy with a boom box comes on the train.
Boom box guy: This next song is for everyone who don't feel good about himself when he get up in the morning. You gotta know that everyone is beautiful in they own right, and when you get up you gotta feel smoove.
He starts playing a song on the boom box and sings along. He and his three friends bop their heads to the beat and try to get other passengers to sing too. Then the conductor begins to makes an announcement. Boom box guy lowers the music.
Boom box guy: Everyone best be listening to what the man has to tell us.
--6 train
Girl: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Man: No.
--Whitehall SI Ferry terminal
Now That's What I Call Service
Guy: You can never underestimate the importance of cuticles.
Girl: Yeah, you can.
--108th & Amsterdam
Drunk girl: Is that the line for the bathroom?
Sober guy: No, that's people who like looking at the bathrooms.
--Harry's, Long Island City
Overheard by: Trix
Pretty boy: Man, I think I'm getting a migraine.
Southern chick: Guys don't get migraines, they get cluster headaches.
Pretty boy: Go the fuck back to the prairie, Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman.
--Delancey & Orchard
Overheard by: dj wantwo
Guy #1: I just don't like the taste of water.
Guy #2: Who doesn't like water?
Guy #1: Me.
--Palladium, 14th Street
Overheard by: Brian
She Totally Got Sodomized by the Hulk
Girl: I talked to Jackie. She got some kind of bug in India!
Guy: Oh, no! What happened?
Girl: I don't think I should talk about this now.
Guy: Whatever, no one cares.
Girl: Okay. Well, she was shitting green.
Guy: Oh, my God! Wait, I should not be laughing, that is not funny at all.
Girl: Yeah, and the doctor asked her to bring in a stool sample and she was shitting so much that she brought one in a half hour later. The doctors were like, "What the fuck?".
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
I Think the Term is "Flailing"
Girl #1: Hey, check out that guy in the wheelchair.
Girl #2: He's dancing and he's got no legs!
--Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden, Astoria
Overheard by: Toneloca
I Just Heart the "Dress Up Clothes" Usage
Little boy #1: If they lost my bag, it would be so cool!
Little boy #2: Um...no it wouldn't.
Little boy #1: Yeah, it would! I would sue them. Do you know how many dress up clothes I had in that bag?
--JFK
Overheard by: La Machine
If You Admit Being Lost, You're Also a Woman
Girl: This isn't right. We're supposed to be on Murray Street.
Guy: Dude, you know I'm dyslexic!
--Warren & Greenwich
I Sell Dead People, and I Don't See Them
Porn man: If you don't have ID, I can't let you in.
Minor guy: Man, I can sell pussy, but you won't let me see pussy?
--Porn store, 42nd between 8th & 9th
The Scent of a Dwarf's Dick, Sevenfold
Guy: Your breath stinks, get away from me!
Girl: I just woke up. Imagine if the Prince had said that to Snow White? You think her breath smelled so great?
--98th & Columbus
Overheard by: Danielle Harris
The New Wilson Phillips Song is Kinda Catchy
Anorexia: Come on baby, we gotta move.
Manboobs: Stop pulling me down, fat ass.
--Penn Station
Will Knows What I'm Talking About
Girl #1: Did you know Will doesn't like saggy boobs?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: You know, the ones that go to the hips.
--Lafayette between Franklin & White
Overheard by: Mike T.
Fine with the Putrid Cylindrical Breasts, Huh?
Guy #1: I'm not worried about having children. If I'm 50 and I don't have kids, I will still be happy.
Guy #2: At 50 you could still have kids. You'd just have to knock up a younger woman.
Guy #1: I couldn't handle being with a women 20 years younger than me. Too much different slang to deal with.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Yeah, that's the biggest reason I don't sleep with 70 year olds.
--A train
Sniff, Sniff. It Stinks of Bitch Up in Here
Chick #1: One of my earphones on my iPod is completely busted.
Chick #2: Why? Do you listen to it really loud?
Chick #1: Yeah, on the subway. I try to drown out the noise.
Chick #2: I wish they made iPods for the nose so you could drown out the smell.
--Life Cafe Nine 83, Bushwick
Overheard by: Courtney C
New York's Funniest: Unsung Heroes
Two cop cars are after someone, heading downtown on Fourth Avenue, sirens going. One cop brakes abruptly and throws it into reverse and makes a backward left turn onto 86th Street, where a civilian is sitting in his car, waiting for the light to change. The cop car smashes into the front of the civilian's car, and the cop announces on
his megaphone: Wake up, dildo!
--Bay Ridge
That Taco Bell Lottery is Totally Rigged
Guy #1: Look! Someone won the megamillion. I can't believe we didn't win that money.
Guy #2: I can't believe we didn't win those fuckin' burritos...what the fuck is that?
--Hudson & Charlton
Technically That Makes Him a Refugee
Guy: Is this where I get off?
Girl #1: No, 34th Street is next stop.
Guy: I wouldn't know these things. I'm a tourist.
Girl #2: No you're not!
Guy: I'm a tourist...from Queens.
--R train
Overheard by: Dani_Nisa
"Mmgph" Must Mean No, Too
Girl: So you totally raped me with the pot pipe.
Guy: Well, it was only in the mouth.
--Hank's Saloon, DUMBO
Guy #1: Dude, that chick is hot.
Guy #2: Man, I think I got a roll of duct tape somewhere with her name on it.
--23rd & West Side Highway
It's Not Like We Hung a Pussies Welcome Sign
Guy on cell: You don't want to move here...No! I'm telling you, this place sucks. You make $1000 bucks a week, $600 after taxes. Then you can't go to all of the fun bars and places like that because you can't freakin' afford it. All you end up doing is watching all of the freakin' wealthy people go out and have a good time. Dude, I'm telling you, it's not what it's hyped to be. I was totally tricked.
--Houston & Lafayette
Please God, Let Her Have Been Speaking Literally
Lesbian #1: Do you think she's a trannie?
Lesbian #2: I don't know. Would you still do her if she was?
Lesbian #1: She's so hot that it wouldn't even matter.
Lesbian #2: Then can you let me off the hook for sleeping with that
hermaphrodite?
--Long Island City
You Just Know He Did a Fatty Arbuckle on Her
Guy: Can I get a Sparkling Mango?
His GF stares at him.
Guy: I'm very secure with my sexuality. And after making you come so sweetly--twice!--you should be too.
--Schiller's, Rivington Street
Overheard by: Idan
"This music tastes like shit!"
Girl: Who's playing tonight?
Guy: Coheed and Cambria.
Girl: Oh man, I shouldn't have done all that acid.
--15th & Irving
I Sense a Learning Annex Course
Old drunk Southern guy: Woo!
Young drunk Southern guy: Ha, ha, ha! Woo woo!
Old drunk Southern guy: Come on, it's one "woo"! Woo!
Young drunk Southern guy: Ha, ha, ha! Woo woo!
Old drunk Southern guy: Just one woo! Woo!
--6 train
Overheard by: C & J
Who Says Women Can't Be Metrosexuals?
Chick #1: A black thong with that skirt, what is she thinking? It's totally see-through!
Chick #2: Yeah, but who'd want to look?
Chick #1: Oh my god, we are such hateful bitches!
Chick #2: I know!
--15th & 5th
That Poor Tribe Keeps Losing the Challenges
Chick: Wait, Survivor is still on? They gotta be running out of places to do it.
Dude: They should do a Survivor: New Orleans.
Chick: Oh my God, that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Dude: Shut up, you know you'd watch it.
--Party, 49th & 10th
I'm Guessing Chicago
Girl: I can't believe you just made me jaywalk!
Guy: Where the hell are you from?
--4th & Broadway
Because It's Competing in the Special Olympics
Guy: I'm only a dork in New York. In Chicago I was pretty cool.
Girl: So why don't you live there?
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: Dave
Then You Should Be Monitoring Yankee Stadium
Russian counterlady: You want coffee?
Mexican guy: No coffee. Juice.
Russian counterlady: What?
Mexican guy: Please...juice?
Russian counterlady: Here we are all juice.
--Midwood Kosher bakery
Overheard by: Sophia Naess
Nothing Makes Me Come Like Some Zyklon, Redux
Queer: Why do you like him? The guy behind us in the black shirt is so much hotter.
Hag: Ew...
Queer: You know I like those big, rough German types...if he put me in a camp, just imagine all the terrible things he would do to me.
Hag: ...Would you stop staring at him?
Queer: I so want him to rape me.
Hag: Get over it, he's not gay!
Queer: Whatever, if we were in prison he'd so be doing me.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Smack Jack
Guy: This is going to sound awful but Ryan Gosling was really hot in that movie where he played the Nazi with the shaved head.
Girl: Yeah, he was a hot Nazi in that movie. A hotzi, if you will.
--92nd Street Y
Overheard by: Kelly
No, He's Saying You're Fat
Guy: I think your soul would taste awesome.
Chick: Are you saying I'm a bad person?
--1 train
Overheard by: djlindee
What the Hell's a "Bum"?
Hobo: Can I have a cigarette?
Girl: Sorry, I just bummed my last one to that guy.
Guy: Dude, you just said "bum" to a bum.
--Central Park
You Just Know Her "or something" is Hilarious
Girl #1: So this guy built this house, but only had 9 out of 10 permits, so he couldn't live in it.
Girl #2: 9 out of 10 ain't bad though.
Girl #3: Yeah. Isn't that, like, 90% or something?
--LaGuardia & Houston
Ours Also Doesn't Feature Nazi Footprints
Man: So you went to the Champs Elysee in Paris?
Woman: Yeah, it was cool. Kinda like Madison Avenue, just smaller...
--Frank, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Englishman in NY
Neither Do They
Guy #1: You don't sound British.
Guy #2: Well, I am.
Guy #1: Where are you from?
Guy #2: Scotland.
Guy #1: But you don't sound like Oasis.
--Carroll Gardens
It's Like It's Supposed to Have Some Meaning
Man #1: Do you live in New York?
Man #2: No.
Man #1: Go ahead. Take my spot. I see that statue every fucking day.
--Cruise ship, Hudson River
No Wonder Lady Windermere Carried a Fan
Chick: You know, I don't believe Victorians shat.
Dude: Neither did they.
Chick: There is no way on Earth that what just came up from my system came up through theirs.
Dude: Surely not with that whole empire they were building.
--Pax Wholesome Foods, Times Square
They Can Only Eat What You Throw in the Cage
Asian girl: I don't know why, but I heard that all filipino people, all they eat is chicken wings.
Asian guy: What did you say?
Asian girl: Seriously, my maid, my boyfriend's maid, my sister's maid, all they ate was chicken wings.
--44th & 5th
Overheard by: Ahmad Zubair Sahar
...Or a Trannie in the Present One
Girl #1: Wow, you have no problem talking to those guys at the bar like a guy.
Girl #2: Yeah, I know. I must have been a guy in a past life.
--74th & 1st
Overheard by: Megan C.
It Says Here the Patent is Held by One Blair Warner
Girl #1: Sometimes you get pissed because you see something in a magazine or on TV that you thought of before and people are stealing your super imaginative ideas. And then you think, it's possible that different people think of the same things.
Girl #2: Yeah, like when your sister thought she invented George Clooney?
--G train
Overheard by: kristin
Why You Gotta Remain Ignorant All Your Life?
Guy: "1-800-Deportees"? That's a horrible phone number.
Chick: That's "deportes." Sports!
--1 train
Overheard by: djlindee
It's Kind of Abstract
Woman: Where's the restaurant?
Museum lady: It's the next door on your left.
Woman: Oh, how do you get in?
--MoMA
She's Always Hiding the Head Inside Her
Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a fucking turtle connoisseur?
--Canal & West Broadway
Overheard by: David Kopach
That Makes 14th Street the Mason-Dixon
Girl: I'm going to have a boring weekend. I'm not really doing anything except one of my friends is guest bartending at this bar Coda on 34th street so I'm going to that.
Guy #1: I think I've been there.
Guy #2: Is that on the North or South side?
Girl: Oh I haven't lived in New York to learn the New York lingo.
Guy #2: Well, there's a North side and a South side of the street.
--43rd & 5th
Standing, Not Sitting
Drunk chick: I had a boyfriend once. He wanted to stick a hot iron up my ass.
Sober guy: Well did he do it?
Drunk chick: I'm standing here, aren't I?
--Tasti D-lite, 4th Avenue
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart is Just Weird
Crackhead lady #1: I need to stop, because now I'm looking down the barrel of a monkey.
Crackhead lady #2: I know what you mean. If I wasn't using all this energy chasing a high, I could use the energy productively, like jumping on a trampoline.
--Morris Park
The Ignorance of Some Wednesday One-liners
Preppy guy on cell: Where are you?...Malcolm X Boulevard & what?...Jesus. Find someone who looks nice and ask how to get to the 6 train...no, not a white person a nice person...well, a nice white person would be ideal...okay, call me back.
--86th & Lex
Wednesday One-liners Gone Wild
Girl: Shit yo, this campaign is like being skullfucked by a Lego man.
--49th & 7th
Take a Deep Breath, Wednesday One-liners
Tween boy: I'm gonna fight you, Steve...I'm gonna trash yo' face, son...you gonna have to go to Jonathan Zizmor, son.
--6 train
Wednesday One-liners?
Man: Why would anyone ever give a clown money?
--76th & 3rd
Overheard by: Val
Wednesday One-liners: It's Just a Name
Man: You say Pataki, I say bukkake.
--40th & 7th
Overheard by: Derek P
Wednesday One-liners Cross Over
Girl: Stop flirting with me, my friend just died.
--Central Park SummerStage
Wednesday One-liners Will Be Making All Stops
Conductor: You know which train it is; you know where it's going; step in, stand clear.
--W train
Gadzooks! Wednesday One-liners!
Queer: I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lynn Casey
Just Say Yes to Wednesday One-liners
Crackhead lady: Now crack's a different story. Right now I'm going through a time where crack is a very important part of my life.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: deke shearon
Wednesday One-liners Can Use Tools
Yuppie guy on cell: I have to master these machines. You ever use the ones where you put the detergent in the top before?
--79th between Columbus & Broadway
Crack Open Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: If we don't get where we are goin' fast, I am going to goosh in my pants.
--Bleecker & Charles
Overheard by: Michael Kagan
Wednesday One-liners Swear Jar
White man: Yeah, and he has that puppet. I'm not sure if it's a hand puppet or the kind with strings, but man, that shit used to fuck me up.
--Houston & Varick
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
Most People Take a Limo There
Woman: Does this bus go to the Garden?
Bus driver: No, the M10 or 20 goes to Madison Square Garden.
Woman: Not that Garden; Olive Garden!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Suzanne Cerquone
Girl #1: I heard there's this restaurant that charges $500 for a plate.
Girl #2: Damn what they serving, human?
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: Kyle
He Wasn't Being Rhetorical
Guy #1: You don't know what you're talking about.
Guy #2: What am I, an idiot?
Guy #1: You always don't know what you're talking about, and that's your biggest problem.
Guy #2: What am I, an alien?
--Park Slope
From the Whitney Houston Collection
Queer eye: Lindsay Lohan wore this dress on the cover of Teen Vogue; ever since then, it's been like...crack cocaine.
--Marc Jacobs, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Mat Triebner
Depends on How Easily It Spreads on a Cracker
Little girl: Mommy, I gotta go diarrhea!
Mom: Not all poo-poo is diarrhea, you know.
--Museum of Natural History
Talk About a Piss-take
Chick: So it's like drinking your own sweat?
Guy: Well, it has salt in it.
--125th & Broadway
Almost as Sexy as Guys Who Cut Themselves
Girl #1: How can you like Peter? He's completely crazy.
Girl #2: Yeah, but he's like...eating disorder hot.
--Columbia University
"That's your answer to everything!"
Guy #1: I'll do it, but they've got to remember that Sunday is the least rock 'n roll day of the week.
Guy #2: Yeah...
Guy #1: Jeez...I'm not like those guys, hangin' out with their wives and kids and shit. What do they know about playing? I need to play.
Guy #2: Why don't you try to break up their families? Ruin their marriages or some shit.
--6 train
Overheard by: Spiros Harlequinn
Yeah, But They Taste Shitty
Girl: So I hate both my dad and my stepdad.
Guy: That's because your mom has shitty taste.
Girl: No, she has good tits!
--Rivington & Clinton
Overheard by: Tony Cacioppo
It's Like Shakespeare-level Irony
Tourist man #1: We can probably find it at a Wal-Mart.
Tourist man #2: Yeah, Wal-Mart.
Tourist man #1: So let's just keep walking until we find one. Keep your eyes open.
Tourist man #3: Well, in any case, we shouldn't keep standing here on this corner looking at this map. We'll get mugged.
--30th & 7th
Totally Said in a Napoleon Dynamite Voice
Guy #1: Please sit down!
Girl: No, it's okay.
Guy #1: No, I insist, please sit.
Girl: Really, I feel bad. I can't take your seat.
Guy #1: Please sit.
Guy #2: Would you just shut the heck up and sit down already, God!
--R train
Overheard by: Margot Mainers
She Will Search for a Retort for the Rest of Her Life
Woman #1: I should be on that monument.
Woman #2: Why, so you can scare everyone?
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Jon A.
It's Like Someone Made a Play About Stuyvesant
Asian suit: They were talking about how these 7th grade girls were trading blowjobs for pot.
White suit: When I was in 7th grade, I didn't even know what pot was, or what blowjobs were. I was too busy playing video games and watching Star Wars.
Asian suit: I was in SAT prep class.
--51st & Lexington
She Charges the Dog to Watch Her Clean Herself
Girl #1: She's such a cranky hobag slut.
Girl #2: I love how we call her "slut" and she's never even had sex with another cat. Ever.
--Williamsburg coffee shop
The Last Line Works Better By Itself
Teen girl: Wow, look at the men's room line and then look at the women's room line. It's so much longer.
Fat woman: Yeah. Shit, I'll grow a penis.
--Shubert Theater, W. 44th Street
Overheard by: Emily G.
We're More Used to Getting Shit On
Queer #1: I think watersports are fun!
Queer #2: Disgusting. I'd never! Oh, please, don't tell me you've ever tried it.
Queer #3: I'm a Jew. What, am I going to deny a guest in my own home?
--Cleo's, 9th Avenue
It Depends on Where You Smoke Them
Guy: I need to shit.
Girl: You know, smoking will make you have to shit even more.
Guy: Yeah, I know, they're laxatives.
Girl: They are?
--80th & 1st
It's Not Aztlan Yet
Chick #1: I called Tasty's for lunch and the girl on the phone asked me where I was from. I said Southern Africa. The girl said, "I have no idea where that is." How can you not know Southern Africa? I mean come on...
Chick #2: Where was she from?
Chick #1: I don't know, some Mexican country.
--55th & 5th
Overheard by: Sarah Federman
Odd How Idiom and Idiot Look So Alike
Guy #1: Yeah, she was a little long in the tooth.
Guy #2: "Long in the tooth"? I've never heard that one before.
Guy #1: Her face was all long. But she's tall. Like 6'2".
--6 train
Overheard by: Aileen Gallagher
That's the Least Successful Children's Book Ever
Guy #1: The Great Cock Hunt? Isn't that a Hunter S. Thompson novel?
Guy #2: No, you idiot. It's a gay porn site. What kind of mo are you?
--Starbucks, 23rd & 8th
Call an Intervention to Tell Him He's the Straight Man
Guy #1: I don't think people get my humor. I don't think they get the dry thing, but it's also very toilet.
Guy #2: Okay, so basically, you have dry toilet humor.
Guy #1: Yes, there's no water in that toilet.
Guy #2: So it's more like a trough.
--BondSt, Bond Street
Bloomberg's New Commercials Are Too Revealing
Bike Messenger guy: You see that? I almost died.
Bystander guy: Yeah, man. Those cabs. They fucked up, man. They think they own this city.
Bike Messenger guy: They're wrong, though. It belongs to me.
--6th Avenue & W. 4th Street
Those Junkies Aren't Looking Very Pudgy, Either
Girl #1: Coke. Has to be. You don't lose weight that fast any other way.
Girl #2: I do that sometimes. You know, just to jump start the weight loss.
--Crunch, Lafayette Street
Girl on cell: Holy shit Daddy, I need to get some coke again, I can't fit into a size 2 anymore!
--Gap dressing room, 34th & 6th
Overheard by: divaliscious
Queer #1: Her tattoo is, like, a mushroom. Like a magic mushroom. On her lower back, like on her ass. But she is thick, man, she has like, spare tires. I mean, I have love handles, but she has spare tires!
Queer #2: Yeah...
Queer #1: It's like, when she and her friend say they are having a fat day, I just wanna be like, "Girl! You are having a fat week! Or a fat year!" I mean, she is thick!
Queer #2: Yeah...
Queer #1: But really, sometimes I just wanna be like, "Jenna, you do so much coke, how are you still so fat?"
--N train
Overheard by: queenie
"...And make sure the crustaceans are virgins."
Old woman: Can you put five shrimp in a bag for me to hold for a minute and then I'll give you two back?
Seafood guy: Excuse me?
Old woman: Just put five shrimp in a bag for me, I need to hold it. I get energies from them. Just put five shrimp in a bag and give it to me to hold, and then I'll give you two back. I get energies.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
The Black Israelites Are Usually More Conspicuous
Bag lady: Hey, can I bum a smoke?
Hipster guy: I bummed this one.
Bag lady: Ching-chong, ching-ching-ching-ching-chong!
She enters CVS and comes back.
Bag lady: Ching-chong, ching-chong.
Hipster guy: You're a fat ugly bitch.
Bag lady: You're a chink.
Hipster guy: Why don't you say that to my face?
Bag lady: I will. My boyfriend will kick your ass!
Hipster guy: Why do you have to start with me right now?
Bag lady: Because you're a chink. You're Chinese, right?
Hipster guy: No.
Bag lady: Japanese?
Hipster guy: No.
Bag lady: Umm...Korean?
Hipster guy: No.
Bag lady: Asian?
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Nakul Patel
It's Like Jersey Got Rich and Took a Bath
Suit: It's up in Connecticut, right over the river in Norwalk, I think.
Lady suit: Oh, I don't that Connecticut, I only know Danbury.
Suit: Isn't that in Connecticut?
Lady suit: I told you, I don't know Connecticut.
--Maiden Lane & South Street
Yuppie guy: I don't know, man. I'm still on Connecticut time.
--W. 56th between 5th & 6th
He's a Midget, Not a Broad
Girl: So a midget construction worker hit on me yesterday.
Guy: A midget construction worker? What was he building? Dollhouses?
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: Laura Lou
They Seem to Be More of Gauguin Women
Girl #1: Girl look, I got the same picture on my wall calendar as I do on this day planner. Muthafuckin' Grainstacks in Sunlight!
Girl #2: Morning Effect?
Girl #1: Yeah, I like dat impressionist shit.
Girl #2: Me too. Dat shit is pretty.
--1 train
Overheard by: diva646
It's Straightened Pubes, Glued Together
Girl #1: Whoa man, you look totally creepy. Like a creepy molester.
Girl #2: It's a molestache!
--B-Side, Avenue B
She Just Emigrated from Munchkinland
Girl #1: Where are you from, again?
Girl #2: Kentucky.
Girl #1: Oh, no...that didn't get by the tornado, did it?
--Shades of Green, E. 15th Street
Overheard by: Emily
Bitch Barking at the New iPodle Mini
Dogwalking woman: No! Come here! I said no! Stay!
Guy: Dude, take off your earphones.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Thompson Patton
These Boots Are Made for Worshippin'
Queer: Do you know why else I want to move to London? Camdentown. There are lots of punks.
Chick: But wouldn't there also be a lot of white supremacists?
Queer: I could do white supremacists.
Chick: But aren't they also homophobic?
Queer: No, just repressed.
--Law office, 50th & 8th
The Toilet Kept Getting Encores
Dude #1: Hey, I've got some Valium if you want.
Dude #2: Nah, that's a bad idea right before a show.
Girl: Well, I have some laxatives.
Dude #1: No way, remember what happened last time?
Dude #2: That was a really nice bathroom, though.
--F train
Overheard by: Athena
Becoming Jessica and Ashlee
Two young girls switch seats while in their stroller.
Daddy dearest: Never do that again!
They shrink in horror. One starts to cry.
Daddy dearest: Now smile for Daddy!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: girl w/ camera
They Meant the Show's Ratings, Pervert!
Queer #1: That Joey guy is so hot.
Queer #2: Joey the bottom?
Queer #1: Yeah...
--4th Street & 1st Avenue
Overheard by: Mike M.
It's Where the Chain Got Its Start
Girl #1: Do you want a sandwich?
Girl #2: Making a sandwich on the subway is so ghetto!
Girl #1: Shit girl, we are ghetto.
--A train
Take Me Out to the Bore Game
Snack guy: Peanuts! Get your peanuts here! Buy one, get the second for the same price!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: HelloClairice
Suit #1: He basically crawled up my ass and started punching me from the inside.
Suit #2: Nice picture, dude. Christ.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Brett
Girl on cell: I'm here in Harlem right next to Yankee Stadium.
--4 train
Woman: It's a good thing we got here early. I don't want to miss the kickoff.
--Shea Stadium
Chick #1: Boo, you're gonna miss!
Chick #2: Aren't you cheering for the wrong team?
Chick #1: I wasn't cheering, I was making an ominous prediction.
--Richmond County Ballpark
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Guy #1: I thought that girl was his daughter. He has to be in his 50s.
Guy #2: I know, it's skeeving me right out.
Guy #1: What do you think? She's 22 or 23?
Guy #2: Dude, she's a hard 18 tops.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Todd Horan
Death is a Kind of Power
Doorman: Out for your morning power walk?
Old woman: Power walk? I'd fucking drop dead before I got to the corner.
--55th between 5th & 6th
Looks Like "Like White on Rice" is Over
Black guy #1: Ooh, ladies? Konichiwa!
Black guy #2: Arigato!
Asian girl: We're Korean, motherfuckers!
Black guy #1: Sayonara!
--7th & A
Overheard by: M!J
Black guy: Yo, I'd fuck the Chinese out of those bitches.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: JD
Cut the Crap and Go Blow Each Other Already
Fratboy #1: Oh God, did you see that? That little Asian boy just fell down and skinned his Chi-knee.
Fratboy #2: Think he was running from Godzilla?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Matt Murdock
Like a Guy Would Ever Press Charges
HS girl #1: He passed out with his head in my lap. I really wanted to hook up with him.
HS girl #2: You should've.
HS girl #1: I wasn't gonna, like, rape him.
--87th & Lexington
Overheard by: thaler
So It's Partially About Being Tantric
Dude #1: Man it's all about being tantric.
Dude #2: Yeah? Are you tantric?
Dude #1: Well, sorta.
--F train
Overheard by: Athena
Batman Ends
Woman #1: Do you have the time?
Woman #2: Yeah, it's 6:15.
Hobo: But when's it gonna be time for you and me?...I said, when's it gonna be time for you and me? All right then, same time tomorrow.
--Central Park
Overheard by: robin b.
Wow, "Long Island" and "Better" in One Discussion
Suit #1: How long have you lived here?
Suit #2: How old are you? Probably longer than you have been alive.
Suit #1: Born and raised in New York, huh?
Suit #2: No, a farm in PA. Got the fuck out of there, though. Met a girl from New York--well actually, Long Island--married her and moved out here. Thought she had money. Yeah...fooled the shit out of me.
Suit #3: Ha, you were that close to being better than all of us.
--Wall & Water
He Was Just Using That as an Excuse
Girl #1: ...So let me get this straight: while we were all sitting there, you watched the guy finger the dog's ass?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: And what did the dog do?
Girl #2: Nothing. The dog was high.
--Q train
Overheard by: PhilosophyFan
The Sticks are Obviously Made from Branches
Girl: I wonder what kind of cheese they put in these.
Guy: Me too. It's good.
Girl: What do you think it is?
Guy: Maybe Mozzarella, I'm not sure.
Girl: It doesn't taste like Mozzarella. I doubt it.
Guy: You're right. I don't know. Probably one of them Italian cheeses.
Girl: I wonder. I like it.
--Diner, Astoria
Overheard by: Jenna Vee
He Thinks the Cones are Sort of Kitschy
Bodega guy: Hey, weren't you at the Mets game?
Black guy: I'd rather be at a motherfuckin' Ku Klux Klan rally.
--Bodega, Market & Monroe
Overheard by: benjamin lightle
$20 Says He Ends Up at Syracuse
Asian man: Excuse me, do you know where is the Staten Island Ferry?
Suit: Yeah, just keep walking in this direction along the water. It's the big orange motherfucker, you can't miss it.
--Battery Park
Where's a Crown of Thorns When You Need One?
God Squad man: God loves each and everyone of you! The Bible says--
Woman #1: The Bible says it's 8AM.
Woman #2: Yeah, sit down and shut up.
--L train
He Who Makes Moby Look Like Schwarzenegger
Guy #1: Jesus Christ! Michael Stipe has a big fucking head.
Guy #2: I was thinking about walking up and talking to him, for the simple reason that I haven't liked him for so many years.
--The Walter Reade Theater, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: El Cubano
It's Underwater, Dumbass
Girl #1: What do you mean, there's an Indian Ocean?
Girl #2: Of course there's an Indian Ocean.
Girl #1: Where is it?
--Bryant Park
He's Had That Line Queued Up for Days
Guy #1: Hey man, how was your weekend?
Guy #2: Awesome! Bumped into an old girlfriend...repeatedly.
--N train
Worst Wonder Twin Impression Ever
Guy #1: You Indian? India is like the next superpower, dude.
Guy #2: Superpower my ass.
--87th & Lexington
Never Has "This Shit" Been Used More Correctly
Girl #1: Oh, I totally loaded my pants.
Girl #2: For reals?
Girl #1: Yeah, you gotta come look at this shit.
Girl #2: Wow, what did you eat?
--Manhattan Mall ladies' room
Remember to Tip Your Bartenders and Castrati
Queer: We want girly drinks. Something fruity.
Bartwink: Okay? Did you have anything in mind?
Queer: Can you talk in a higher pitch when we're talking about girly drinks?
--Barracuda, W. 22nd Street
Hungry & Retarded: Terry Schiavo's Last Dream
Lady: So if I get the eggs, what does that come with?
Waiter: Potatoes, toast...
Lady: What kind of potatoes?
Waiter: French fries.
Lady: What other kind of potatoes do you have?
Waiter: Mashed potatoes, baked potato...
Lady: Oh, those don't go with eggs. Well, since it's extra you can leave it off.
Waiter: The potatoes come with the eggs.
Lady: Can I substitute bacon?
Waiter: I can bring you a side of bacon.
Lady: How many strips come in a side, two or three?
Waiter: Three.
Lady: Can I just have two?
--University Restaurant, University Place
Now That's More Like It
Woman: Guess what? I just saw one of the Golden Girls on my way
here.
Hairqueer: Oh really? Which one?
Woman: I don't know. She was the flirty one on the show. I guess
she was the prettiest one...
Hairqueer: Oh, Rue McClanahan! I've done her hair.
--Hair Salon, 47th & Lexington
I Simply Won't Allow Them to Slander Rue
Girl #1: ...was supposed to be there. You know, from The Golden Girls.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, what happened?
Girl #1: Didn't show, I hear she's a real bitch.
Girl #2: Isn't she like really old now?
Girl #1: She was really old like 25 years ago.
--11th Street & 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Eric
Where's a Gawker Header When You Need One?
Girl #1: I love this champagne.
Girl #2: Is that Veuve? Yuck...I'm so over Veuve after working at Vanity Fair. That's all they served us.
--Rare, Lexington Avenue
Mom's Trying to Be Sexy, Too
Mom: I don't know why you brought me here. You know there's nothing here that I can eat.
Chick: What about the steak, Mom? I thought you like steak?
Mom: Goddamn it! You know I forgot my teeth!
--Ruth's Chris Steak House, W. 51st Street
Nothing Sexier Than Those Missing Front Teeth
Guy #1: Have you seen her new picture yet?
Guy #2: No, is it nice?
Guy #1: Oh man, she looks beautiful.
Guy #3: Yeah, she might be cute but she has a little boy face.
Guy #2: Yeah sure she has a little boy face, but I'm into that sort of thing.
--6 train
Overheard by: Matthew Pollock
Where Have You Gone, San Gennaro?
Guy #1: Isn't that festival around here somewhere?
Guy #2: Yeah, it's down that way. What do they call it?
Guy #1: Cinco DiMaggio.
--Mott & Spring
Overheard by: Cryptonomic B
Not Quite So Dark as Your Wicked Soul, "Sweetie"
White girl #1: You know that guy in the purple shirt we were talking to on the train? I think I know him.
White girl #2: Wait, you mean the guy in the black shirt?
White girl #1: No, his shirt was purple...the black guy, y'know?
WHite girl #2: I really think his shirt was black...
White girl #1: Sweetie, that was his face.
--168th Street station
Overheard by: Cheese Monkey
Better He Take the Elevator Than a Plane
Man: Jesus is coming, are you prepared?
Hipster guy: Well, he ain't getting on this elevator!
Woman: Oh Jesus, who let this nut in the building?
--Elevator, 42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Cirrus Monk
The Species' Mating Dance is Intricate and Bizarre
Hobo #1: Yo, man, yo, come on, I'ma fuck you up.
Hobo #2: Ain't gon' be no fightin' out here, brother. You gon' be fightin' all by yo'self.
Hobo #1: Aight, yo, come on then, I'll fuck me up first, then I'll fuck you up, too!
--outside the Bowery Mission
Overheard by: Shane
Wednesday One-liners, M.D.
Girl on cell: Face eating tumor. Did you hear me? Face eating tumor!
--Grand Central
Wednesday One-liners Sport a Bindle
Hobo: Come on down, you're the next contestant on Spare Some Change!...Ooh, that went over well.
--University & 9th
Overheard by: Renee
Wednesday One-liners Are Not Very Good People
Man on cell: Well, she wants a two bedroom in a great neighborhood and all this other shit...Where the hell does she think she's moving to? She couldn't find a place like that in New Orleans.
--100th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Are All Over the Map
Chick: Does India have internet access?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pixelvisions
Wednesday One-liners Get Cocky
Woman: His breath stinks. It smells like...it smells like shit to me. He's gay, that's why. He's always suckin' it, you know.
--Delancey Street station
Overheard by: Palaverist
The Reproduction of Wednesday One-liners
Woman on cell: You don't go to work, you go to day care. You don't do shit!
--76th & Lexington
Wednesday One-liners Don't Belong There
Black guy: Three-quarters of that thing was up his ass. That nigga was fucked up for life. Mentally, physically...
--Lexington & 53rd
Mangia, Wednesday One-liners
Lady: Can I get a large chicken noodle soup? Without the chicken.
--Six Happiness, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: nisey
Wednesday One-liners Keep It Crunk
Drunk girl: Now that I've peed, I don't really feel hungry anymore.
--Spring & Lafayette
Wednesday One-liners Smoke 'Em if They Got 'Em
Girl on cell: Hello?...Hi. Sorry about that...Yeah, I was getting bothered...a transvestite who wanted a cigarette...yeah, then she growled at me.
--4th Street & 2nd Avenue
Wednesday One-liners Guard Their Brood
Chick: Wal-Mart smells like they're cooking babies.
--University Hall, E. 14th Street
Wednesday One-liners Don the Magen Dovid
Girl: ...So I asked him, "Do you speak German?" and he was like, "The only German I speak is: men to the left, women and children to the
right." And I said, "Dude, you've been watching too much Schindler's List!"
--13th Street between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Joe Quint
Keep That Glowing Finger Away From Me
Guy #1: Me and Dave tried to shoplift some porn last night.
Guy #2: What do you mean "tried?"
Guy #1: The alarm went off, but we didn't get caught. 24 hours of teens for $15. I had a twenty but it was in my pocket instead of my wallet, otherwise I woulda just paid for it
Guy #2: I bet if you watched that for 24 hours you'd look like when E.T.'s sick in the river.
--34th & 9th
Overheard by: dubbel cheese
That's Always Been More of a Written Tongue
Black guy: Yo, can I get a dollar for a hot dog?
White guy: Sorry. This is my last fiver.
White woman: Here ya go.
Black guy: That'll do.
White woman: You could at least say thank you.
Black guy: I did. I was speaking ebonics.
--Gray's Papaya, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: CRE