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October 2005 Archives
That Parrot Just Won't Leave Him Alone
Chick: How's the leg?
Guy: They can't find it anywhere...Halloween, you know.
Chick: Well, next year, don't go as a pirate.
Guy: The thing is, next year I kind of have to go as a pirate.
--Central Park Zoo
He Means...Himself! (Happy Halloween)
Old Latina: Nice flowers.
Hispanic guy: Thanks. Unfortunately, they're for a dead person.
--1 train
Overheard by: Chris McDade
Yes...Her Own! (Happy Halloween)
Old man: I like your outfit.
Old woman: Thanks, I wore it at a funeral last night.
--Morris Park
Overheard by: Lon Steinberg
Flame Retardant (Happy Halloween!)
A mom points to the window of a sex shop, at a jacked mannequin wearing a mask and feather boa. She says: Hey honey, maybe that's what you could be for Halloween.
Little boy: No, Mommy. I want to be a fireman.
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: Jon
Yet He Hasn't Killed Since SNL (Happy Halloween!)
Ghetto boy: Who's your favorite killer of all time?
Ghetto girl: Definitely Michael Myers. He's, like, the most realistic and has the best personality.
--R train
Unless They Get Disowned (Happy Halloween!)
Guy: So you still going to be an elf for Halloween?
Girl: No, actually I'm going to be a fairy, but fairies are part of the elf family.
--6th & B
An Overheard Horror Story (Happy Halloween!)
Girl: Ginger is what pussy would look like if it was sliced.
--Sako Sushi, Amsterdam Avenue
Overheard by: Joanna Kim
Girl: What is that?
Guy #1: Tuna.
Girl: Tuna with what?
Guy #2: Tuna with delicious.
--Sushi Seki, 1st Avenue
Overheard by: KMR
"They don't; I ate their brains!" (Happy Halloween)
College girl: Is it possible to bring back the dead?
Professor guy: Well, for now, scientists are working on making a
single cell, which is creating life. That's not the same as bringing
back the dead. That poses the "life after death" question.
College girl: I think about zombies all of the time.
Professor guy: All of the time?
College girl: Yeah, I'm always thinking about zombies.
Professor guy: What do your parents think?
--Meyer Hall, Washington Place
Overheard by: Steven Greenbaum
Whoopi's Much Scarier (Happy Halloween!)
Girl: We watched The Color Purple on friday night.
Guy: Oh god. How about when Oprah Winfrey comes through that cornfield?
Girl: No shit. Now I know who I'm going to be for Halloween.
--40th & 9th
It's Pronounced Schwartz (Happy Halloween!)
Drunk girl #1: So I think I am going to go as something I totally hate for Halloween.
Drunk girl #2: What are you going as?
Drunk girl #1: I think I am either going as a Jew or a Chinese person
or a tourist.
Drunk girl #2: Hey, you know I am Jewish, don't you?
Drunk girl #1: I don't care, I am definitely going as a Jew.
Drunk girl #2: Shots?
--37th & 3rd
Overheard by: Brian McCormick
Treats and Tricks (Happy Halloween)
Queer: Can you hold this shirt for me 'til tomorrow?
Shop trannie: No, we can't put costumes on hold.
Queer: Well, I want to be, like, this Louis XIV go-go boy, and I already got the short shorts and everything, and this shirt would go perfect but I just can't afford it 'til tomorrow.
--Halloween Adventure, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: sharyn jackson
Girl: Do you have any more slut-nurses?
Counter guy: No, we're all out of slut-nurses, but we have some slut-devils and some slut-flight attendents.
--Ricky's, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Josh Caldwell
Guy: What's she going as for Halloween?
Girl: A newsie.
Guy: Oh.
Girl: I knew she'd steal my idea, stupid ho-bag.
--Elevator, Water Street Residence
Overheard by: Dan & Travis
Guy: I've always loved this mask, it's so cool.
Girl: Yeah, I guess.
Guy: I mean, I guess I should, considering...
Girl: Right.
Guy: I mean, I was in the movie.
Girl: That was like a decade ago.
Guy: So?
Girl: Yeah, but you were a fucking extra. And you didn't even have a single line.
--Ricky's, 22nd & 3rd
Guy: What is this, All Harlots' Eve?
--3rd Avenue & 8th Street
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Get Ready to Be Afraid! (Happy Halloween)
Man on cell: I have two phobias. The post office and the library. And you want me to go to the post office for you?
--University & 10th
College girl #1: What do you think is the saddest emotion or feeling?
College girl #2: I'm not sure, maybe fear.
College girl #1: Yeah, that's a good one. Ya know, if we lived in Ethiopia you would have said hunger.
--71st between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Lizz Tooher
Girl: Yeah, I always wear black...I'm, like, scared of colors.
--Elevator, Parsons School of Design
Guy: Yo, that Hamburgler's a scary motherfucker, 'cause you never know what that nigga be sayin'. He be all "robble robble robble robble" and shit!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Tacologic
Woman: Holy crap, you scared the hell out of me. What are you supposed to be anyway, Hercules?
Man: I'm Thor. Mighty son of Odin.
--N train
The Sun Has Finally Set on the British Empire
Copygirl: UK?
Chick: The United Kingdom.
Copygirl: The United Kingdom? Where's that? Hey, Joyce! Where's the United Kingdom?
Chick: ...England. In Europe.
Copygirl: But I don't see it here. British Columbia, Quebec, British
Isles, but no United Kingdom.
--Kinko's, Duane Street
Overheard by: Jess McGins
The New Fragrance from Axe and Old Spice
Girl #1: I actually showered before I saw you today, aren't you impressed?
Girl #2: Uh, yeah.
Girl #1: Yeah, I had to...I smelled like old sex.
--Republic, Union Square
Overheard by: Sasha
Hipster or Homeless?
Guy: Did you know that there are homeless people who live underground in the abandoned subway stations?
Girl: You mean like underground people? Wait, I've heard of them, they have a weird name!
Guy: Like "underground people"?
Girl: No, I saw it on Felicity.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: peter
Girl #1: Hey, I lived on the street with the street kids for like, six months. On the street. They were on drugs and stuff.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because it was fun...It was really only on weekends, though.
--St. Marks
Guy: I'm sick of these homeless hipsters. It's like, you're fucking
hipsters!
--St. Marks & 1st
She Shouldn't Have Gone to That Chocolate Factory
Girl: If I don't take a monster shit soon, I'm going to explode.
Guy: You should have a salad.
Girl: Salads don't make me shit. Coffee and cigarettes make me shit.
--Garden Cafe, Inwood
Overheard by: Gorodish
For Once NC-17 is Healthier Than PG
High school girl #1: So what made you think that you were PG?
High school girl #2: Why do you think a woman would think she was pregnant?
High school girl #1: I don't know, you had sex?
High school girl #2: Well, I missed my period. I am sure I was pregnant. Isn't that how it works?
--3 train
Overheard by: mickthequick
A Lot Less Than Stupidity Should
Showering girl #1: So, I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.
Showering girl #2: Oh really? I have one on my ankle!
Showering girl #1: What's it of?
Showering girl #2: Well, it's not so much a tattoo as, I guess, a birthmark.
Showering girl #1: ...Well, does that hurt?
--NYU Palladium Gym, E. 14th Street
Spring Forward, Whore Back
Chick #1: Maybe I'll sleep with him this weekend.
Chick #2: Oh, is it that time of year again?
--Dallas BBQ, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: djlindee
Then You Should Be Reading This Site
Flyers guy: Here ladies--free comedy show.
Tourist girl: No, thanks.
Flyers guy: Come on. It's free.
Tourist girl: Yeah, but, we don't like humor.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Ashley Gordon
Maybe It'll Be Funny the Second Time?
Woman: What are you waiting for?
Girl: We're seeing Saturday Night Live.
Woman: Oh! When does it tape?
Girl: Today. Saturday. Live. Saturday...Night...Live.
Woman: Well, it could be a repeat!
Girl: Do you really think I would come here and sit in a studio for a repeat?
--GE Building lobby, Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: Shannon
My Bitch's Ass is Hot and Bruised, Son
Mom: Come here, put on your coat.
Little girl: I don't wanna wear that stupid coat.
Mom: Hey, be nice. Be a good little girl. It's cold as a bitch's ass out here...you need your coat.
--Pierrepont Playground, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: iiams
My Sarcasmeter Just Exploded
Queer #1: I can't believe he wouldn't go out with me.
Queer #2: Well, he didn't think you could play the bongos. And he was right.
Queer #1: I know, but it's not like I can't learn.
Queer #2: Oh God, you're giving me a boner.
--Greenwich & West 12th
Which Apparently Comes Maple Syrup
Girl: Oh my god, what is that smell?
Boy: Yeah, what is that?
Hobo fort: It's my big fat cock!
--57th & 6th
That's More Like a Commune
Guy: At some point, the fucking union of New York City deli workers must have met to decide breakfast would no longer be cheap.
Girl: You think they have a union or something?
Guy: Yeah, it's called Chinatown.
--Water & Pine
Can't We All Just Do What Rodney King Said?
Black woman: I'll mess you up! I'll be waiting for you downstairs, you man-on-man faggot! White trash!
White queer: You don't scare me! I've dealt with the feds, I can
deal with you!
--Welfare office, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Sheep Overhearder
Black woman: Take that bag off your back.
White man: All it takes are two words: "excuse" and "me".
Black woman: I'm not saying nothing to you.
White man: Sorry, I see that you only use your mouth for one thing, and that's sucking dick.
Black woman: You are so rude. Take that back.
White man: Okay, I am sorry. I take it back. You also use your mouth for eating, as seen by the size of your enormous ass.
--4/5 train
Because the World Needs More Bloggers
Girl: I hear more Polish than English in my neighborhood.
Guy: You should write about that.
--The Magician, Rivington Street
Overheard by: Aileen Gallagher
Sadly, He Means His Boss
Dude #1: Women today, they're just like men. They're just more...upfront about things. They'll tell you what they want, and they aren't shy about it.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah! And it's great, because it means I don't have to work as hard.
--Brooklyn Heights
That's a Really Offensive Thing to Call Splash
Guy #1: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt but can I ask you for a favor?
guy #2: Uh, sure.
Guy #1: I'm trying to raise $2 to buy a forty, can you help me out?
Guy #2: A forty? Uh, I have an orange if you want.
Guy #1: Nah, I live in front of a fruit stand.
--8th Street between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: E Martinez
Just Transition Him Over to Blow
Fratboy #1: Dude, if he like, never went out at all and studied all the time, he could get As.
Fratboy #2: Yeah, but what's the point in that?
Fratboy #1: What does he want to do again?
Fratboy #2: Well, he'll never be good at business because he can't hold his liquor.
Fratboy #1: We'll have to help him out.
--Columbia University
Tony Blair Gets Blamed for All the Disasters
Girl: How old is that guy?
Guy: Who, Bono? 40, 45.
Girl: Oh, and where are they from, England?
--7 train
Overheard by: Jack Kennedy
Keep Holding the Rest of Us Up, You Dumb Farts
Old lady: Julian! Get in the elevator, we are holding it for you.
Old man: I am in the elevator, it's just my ass that was dragging behind.
--Apartment building, 66th & West End
Overheard by: Lubes
Old lady: I'm not moving until the light says go.
Old man: Yeah, you don't want to get that rundown feeling.
--Crown Heights
Overheard by: Jamie Lloyd
You're Thinking of the WTC (Too Soon?)
Tourist man: Look, there's the Empire State Building!
Tourist woman: No, that's not it. Unless they rebuilt it because it doesn't look like that.
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Trisha Simoes
Well, Cajun Life at Least (Too Soon?)
Little girl: Mommy, I'm getting wet! I don't want to get wet!
Mommy: Yeah? Well, I'm getting wet too, Samantha! That's life!
--116th & Lexington
Overheard by: JMP
That's What's On His Business Cards
Tween girl #1: So like apparently my brother is engaged.
Tween girl #2: Really? Since when?
Tween girl #1: I dunno, found out at breakfast this morning.
Tween girl #2: Didn't he like just finish high school?
Tween girl #1: Yeah, but she's like still 17 and she's got a two year old so she's way worse off than him.
Tween girl #2: Well is it his kid?
Tween girl #1: Who knows? He's not tellin'.
Tween girl #2: Probably is...what a man-ho slut wedder.
--F train
Overheard by: Supertramp
They're Hiring Cicadas at K-mart Now
Clerk guy #1: Dude, we should go there on my birthday.
Clerk guy #2: Man, your birthday ain't for like ten years.
--K-mart, E. 8th Street
That's Not Why He's Always Cleaning Himself
Teen boy: My puppy is probably going to die soon.
Teen girl: Aw, when?
Teen boy: Probably by next September, he'll be a corpse.
Teen girl: Wait, why?
Teen boy: He has obsessive-compulsive disorder.
--Central Park
"You mean 'cause the Israelis control that, too?"
Girl #1: I'd offer to set you up with him, but you're already occupied.
Girl #2: I am not occupied.
Girl #1: Please! You're so occupied, you're the Gaza Strip.
Girl #2: Don't you watch the news?
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
That is One Jealous Chick
Girl #1: Wow, your eyes look totally awesome. Is that from the pot?
Girl #2: Yeah, I think so.
Girl #1: It's so cool. They look amazingly green.
--N train
It Would Be Like Actual Sex
Suit #1: ...I wasn't trying to make her mad or anything. I just want to know how she feels without it.
Suit #2: I hear you. I don't even know what sex without a condom would be like.
--Union Square
It's Chappaqua
Hobo: Come on out, Democrats. Admit it. You fucked up. Admit it. You voted for John Kerry. You fucking Democrats. You voted for someone who likes to dress up like a pixie.
Dude: I wonder what the address is on his voter registration card.
--18th & Irving
Cue Zany Drunken Sodomy Montage
Waiter: I assume you guys are on a date?
Guy #1: Yep.
Waiter: I just love seeing two nice young men together, so I brought you key lime shots to go with the key lime pie. Enjoy.
Guy #2: Bitch, you'll do anything for alcohol.
--East of Eighth, W. 23rd Street
Later, the Hobo Shared His Cock with Her
Hobo: Hey, does anyone have some spare chicken?
Girl: Ha, ha, "chicken"? Sorry, I only had room for one rotisserie in my bag...and this one's for me.
--L train
Overheard by: diana
Bitch, Please! Her Favorite Candy is Nose
NYU girl: So my friend had a class with Mary-Kate--
NYU boy: Uh huh.
NYU girl: --and they were all going around saying what their favorite books were. But when it got to Mary-Kate, she just said, "Well, my favorite candy is a Tootsie Roll."
--Chipotle, East 8th Street
Overheard by: monsi
He Also Eats More Than They Do
PR girl #1: I love your outfit today!
PR girl #2: You know, I was walking down the street, and this homeless man in a box told me that "Purple is the color of royalty."
PR girl #1: Don't joke about that. I could be joining him, if my apartment doesn't come through.
PR girl #2: At least he lives in Manhattan.
--Office, 53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Roger Resnicoff
You Should See What the Calamari is Made Of
Dude #1: Turkey and swiss.
Deliman: Sorry, no cheese.
Dude #1: Jesus Christ! What kind of deli doesn't have cheese?
Dude #2: Um, dude...Jewish deli...
Dude #1: I don't suppose they'd have hot peppers either, then.
--2nd Avenue Deli
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
The Man Who Boned Grandma (NYC Short Stories)
Tourist grandpa: I'm going to sit here. Do you want a snack?
Tourist grandson: Sure.
Tourist grandpa: Here's some money. Go over there and buy yourself something. And if you can find somebody nice, ask where we can get some cheesecake.
--Greeley Square
Overheard by: Nick Turner
Hasidic boy: Poppola, I heard a rumor that when a cow gets a cut from the milking machine, and blood gets in the milk...they have to turn it into chocolate milk, so people won't know it's there.
Hasidic grandpa: We should be so lucky!
--4 train
Overheard by: Raden Mutter
Scenes From a Giuliani Presidency
Charity mugger: Hey, you girls like puppies, right?
Girl #1: I hate puppies.
Charity mugger: Umm, well you want to help the Katrina victims, right?
Girl #1: I hate Southerners.
Girl #2: New Orleans was a place of sin. Good riddance.
--Brooklyn Bridge-City Hall station
Cynthia Nixon Didn't Date a Monster There Either
Girl: I was afraid the cab driver wasn't going to take us to Brooklyn!
Guy: I know, he seemed annoyed when we said Brooklyn.
Girl: I mean, on Sex and the City they could never get a cab into Brooklyn.
--F train
Still Thinking About It...
Girl #1: He said he's 5'7".
Girl #2: Ugh, that's too short.
Girl #1: No it isn't. I mean, if you think about it, 5'7", that's almost like 6'.
--N train
Overheard by: Amanda
I Think I Can Hazard A Guess
Guy #1: Yeah, so I failed fourth grade twice.
Guy #2: Hmm...
Guy #1: They said I cheated on a test, but I didn't, but they still failed me.
Guy #2: So did you fail fourth grade twice or did you just repeat fourth grade?
Guy #1: Oh, I have no idea.
--92nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Shanon H.
They Still Haven't Quite Untied Her
Drunk guy #1: ...and so she's totally got clown makeup on from banging him the night before.
Drunk guy #2: Dude, rodeo clowns are tough shit.
--Fish Bar, E. 5th Street
Overheard by: Samantha
Wednesday One-liners Can Be So Rude
Guy: Where the fuck is this bitch?...Oh, sorry 'bout the language ladies. I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about my girlfriend.
--54th & 5th
Overheard by: E. Hart
Wednesday One-liners Keep It in the Family
Guy on cell: Yeah I know her, my sister went out with her when she was still a man.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Barry Divola
Wednesday One-liners Need a Planner
Drunk girl: Hey guys? I can't believe today is already Saturday! That means tomorrow is Sunday! Whatever happened to yesterday? I guess that was Friday. But whatever happened to Friday night?
--6 train
Overheard by: Skye
The Riddler Presents: Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Is it raining? Or is it just me?
--24th & 7th
Yum! Wednesday One-liners
Queer: You are all a bunch of crackers...What are you laughing at, Jew? We have a cracker and a Jew, it's like a Lunchable.
--1 train
Wednesday One-liners Wave Around a Cup
Teen boy: Wow, look, another homeless guy! They're all over!
--21st & Park
Wednesday One-liners Belong in a Cage
Girl: These fish are big, yo! Or is this tank magnetic?
--Petland, Greenpoint
Overheard by: miles
Wednesday One-liners Need an Accountant
Black woman on cell: Listen nigga, I want my money. And don't just be giving it to me in drips and drabs...I want a lump sum, motherfucker. A luuuuump sum!
--145th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: James OBrien
Wednesday One-liners Prefer Metro
AM New York guy: AM New York! Get your same shit, different fucking day newspaper! AM New York! Same shit! Different fucking day!
--96th & Lexington
Overheard by: Owen JG
Wednesday One-liners GOTTA MAKE
Queer: I haven't pooped in two days and I work at The Gap.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jason
Last Call for Wednesday One-liners
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I'm the embodiment of crack right now. I'm still drunk from last night. And wow, I just got a bad look from two Mexicans and we know that never happens. Oh my god, another bad Mexican look. What the fuck is happening? Oh my god, a cat...Shut up, oh my god, the world is conspiring against me. As soon as I said "cat" a kid came around the corner. What's next, a demon? Cats, kids, demons.
--12th & A
Spooky Wednesday One-liners for Halloween
Hipster chick on cell: If it's a vampire party then I'd totally be out of place because I don't look anything like a vampire tonight, I'm wearing, like, a blue kimono.
--2nd & A
You'll Just Be Blueballed
Drunk girl: I love scrotum!
Guy: Dude, we should completely ask her to come home with us.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: danie
His Medusa Cock Will Turn You to Stone
A bunch of people walk by a guy peeing.
Guy: Don't fucking look at my penis!
--St. Marks
We'll Never Live Down That Technicolor Dreamcoat
Girl #1: These paintings are so bright and colorful, but sad.
Girl #2: I know what you mean. Chagall does that. It's like really bright crazy colors but then makes you feel awful.
Girl #1: It's so Jewish.
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Vicki
That's Where the Magic Comes Out Of
Girl #1: I really hate Melissa Joan Hart.
Girl #2: How come?
Girl #1: I don't know...her lazy eye really bugs me.
--10th & Broadway
Morlock v. Eloi: The Prequel
A thugged out girl tests all of her ring tones as loud as possible for a solid minute.
Preppy girl: Are you serious with that? Can you do everyone a favor and stop?
Thug girl: I know you're not talking to me. You messed with the wrong girl.
Preppy girl: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Your screaming phone made me deaf.
Thug girl: I'll f her up. But then she'll call the cops; her people love the cops. Go back to where you came from!
Preppy girl: I'm trying to. That's why I'm on the train, you stupid bitch. Look, you got a new cell phone and that's great, but figure it out at home.
Thug girl: I'll f you up. You're f-ing with the wrong girl. Don't be fooled by the pretty face.
Preppy girl: Pretty face? Where?
--N train
Overheard by: Matty M.
Dude, You Just Killed Rosa Parks
White chick: Excuse me sir, are these your bags?
Hispanic man: Yeah.
White chick: Do you mind if I sit here?
He moves his bags to another seat.
Hispanic man: Fucking white bitches! Making me move my bags! Fucking white bitches...sure bitch, sit down. There you go.
A few minutes later.
White dude: Excuse me, sir, are those your bags?
Hispanic man: Yeah.
White dude: Do you mind moving them, please?
Hispanic man: Sure, Cracker Jack cracker, I'll move my bags so your white ass can sit.
--M14 bus
"Let me speak to your manager!"
Hobo: Got any change?
Guy: Man, get a fucking job.
Hobo: I got a fucking job, bitch!
--Canal & Broadway
Dude, He'd Totally Rip You Open
Announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. We should be moving momentarily...Please be patient.
Guy #1: They always fucking say that! We should be compensated for our time.
Guy #2: Yeah. They should have a coin dispenser that gives back quarters.
Guy #1: Fuck that. That robot voice should give us robot sex.
--6 train
Overheard by: Toneloca
What Matters is a Happy Ending
Girl: God, it's getting so cold! I should've brought my winter coat!
Guy: You don't need a coat, you need a hot man to warm you up.
Girl: I need that, too...but I'd start with a coat.
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Mallory McMahon
Careful or Trebek Will Grab Your Potpourri
Two teens are watching Jeopardy! through a store glass window.
Teen boy #1: I can read lips; that guy said he liked to suck cock.
Teen boy #2: You mean, "What is, 'I like to suck cock'?"
--14th & B
Overheard by: meghan
Confirmed: Biological Terrorism Hits New York
My guy friend and I stopped on the sidewalk to finish up a conversation and say goodbye. A man walks by and gave a hard shoulder nudge to my friend and kept walking.
Guy friend: Yeah, excuse me!
Man: You stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. You can't stop in the middle of the sidewalk; people need to get by.
An argument ensues, then the man walks away. He changes his mind, walks back and gets within inches of my friend's face.
Man: I have a cold and I'm going to talk right in your face!
--Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Jessie
What Are You, A Polar Bear?
Lady: Oh, Coca-Cola! I guess you don't have gastrointeritis!
Girl: Uh, actually I was going to use it to cook.
Checkout guy: Yeah, you can cook with Coke. You don't have to just drink it.
--Jefferson Market, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Nicole J
So No Coca-Cola Either, Huh?
Girl #1: He's coming into town to visit me this weekend...but he says he doesn't wanna leave the house except to go eat sushi.
Girl #2: Ew, sushi.
Girl #1: I know, right? He expects me to eat that shit? I'm not a fucking polar bear.
--7 train
Overheard by: rachel
You Can't Bring Russell Crowe Anywhere
Filthy man: You three ladies know this dude?
Girl #1: Uh, yeah.
Filthy man: Oh. Okay. 'Cause I was about to pull out my AK47 and shoot him dead.
The elevator stops.
Filthy man: You all have a nice night.
--Hotel Carter, West 43rd Street
Overheard by: onesong
Should Have Asked for Some Weed
Hobo: Hey dude, got a drink?
Guy: No, man. If I gave you a drink I'd be enabling you. You know what that is? I'll be helping you by not getting you a drink.
Hobo: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
--St. Marks & 1st
Overheard by: Jasmine Moy
This is What Waldo Has Done to a Generation
Drunk girl: Can you tell me where 3rd and 12th is?
Guy: You're standing on it.
Drunk girl: Do you know where Bar None is?
Guy: Right under that huge Bar None sign.
--3rd Avenue between 12th & 13th
Overheard by: kristcollekt
Less of a Vibe and More of a Wave
Teen girl #1: She just has this sexual vibe about her--
Teen girl #2: No, she doesn't. She's fat!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: brownthomas
The AApprentice
Girl: Hey, fancy seeing you here! Where do you work?
Guy: Wall Street.
Girl: Where are you coming from?
Guy: A business meeting. I'm so wasted!
--C train
I Wish This Were the Presidential Debates
Hobo #1: But why would you want to go into space for a million dollars? Seems like a waste.
Hobo #2: Because they haven't come out with hovertrains yet!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Kevin Cox
Her Designer Baby Daddy Remains Unidentified
Hobo: Oh, lady got some nice threads. Those be Gucci or Calvin Klein or some shit like that?
Preggers: No sir, these threads be maternity.
--R train
Maybe That Shouldn't Be in Italics
Man: Oh, we are going to see my niece. My sister is so proud of her, she's on Broadway.
Woman: That's wonderful. What is she playing?
Man: She's in Chicago playing one of the whores.
--Amtrak train
Overheard by: Moises
"You're shitting me!"
NYU chick: What are these stupid, weird underpants you put on me?
West Indian nurse lady: They're called diapers. You lost control of yourself when you passed out.
--Beth Israel Emergency Room, 1st Avenue
Goofus and Gallant (L Train Edition)
Suit: Can you move a little?
Teen girl: I can't. My hair's stuck in the door.
Suit: Oh. That's a good reason. Okay.
--L train
A black HS girl pushes her way past a white yuppie to get off the train.
Yuppie: Whoa, slow down, Boniva!
Girl: Shut the fuck up, Opie!
--L train
Star Jones Goes for a Walk
Guy: What kind of dog is that over there?
Girl: I think it's a pug, but it's really fat.
Guy: It looks like a pig with Down's syndrome.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Manhattman
This Medal Smells Funny
Guy: What flavor should I get?
Drunk girl: I'd get butter pecan but I'm lactose intolerant and it'd make me shit like a champ.
--Bodega, Houston & 6th
Dude, You Totally Just Lost Your New Hag
Fat chick on cell: Well, it kind of sucks because the subway is
like two avenue blocks away and--
Queer passerby: And there's no Krispy Kreme in between?
--Astoria
What About the Other Nineteen Minutes?
Girl: If you were going to die twenty minutes from now, what would
you do?
Guy #1: I'd take you into the back and do you. What about you?
Girl: Yeah, I'd probably have sex with you, too.
Guy #2: I think I'd rape someone.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
The Carggite Totally Blew Her Cover
Guy #1: Polo is like, the hardest sport to play on the planet.
Guy #2: Uh huh.
Girl: Aside from space travel.
--Columbia University
That Was More Her Late Husband's Thing
Woman #1: There is no ethical dilemma! It's right there in the Bible!
Woman #2: Oh, Bible schmible.
Woman #1: Honestly, Helen. Is that the best rejoinder you can manage? Can we possibly have just one discussion without you pulling out the schmefix?
--Stuyvesant Town Oval
Overheard by: Laid-Off Dad
That's Why She Became a Bag Lady
Bag lady: What's the matter, you get your wisdom teeth out?
The guy nods.
Bag lady: That's pretty miserable, huh?
He nods.
Bag lady: Yeah, I remember when I took mine out.
--6 train
I Don't Get These New Strand Flyers
Girlfriend: It's just that I give you pristine vagina and you give me used books.
Boyfriend: Your gratitude is staggering.
--D train
Especially on that Street Corner
Guy: Man it would suck to be homeless. I would just kill someone and go to prison where at least you get a nice warm place to sleep and some food and shit.
Girl: Or you could steal some stuff, that way if you don't get caught it's awesome and if you do you get to go to a nice warm prison.
Guy: Yeah, prison in the US is pretty sweet, I'd bet--not like in other countries.
Girl: Except there is a lot of talk about ass-raping.
--24th & 9th
Correct Answer: CHUDs
Guy: These train drivers have to be suicidal. They spend all day underground in the dark.
Girl: Yeah, or they're just vampires.
--N Train
Overheard by: Owen J
You've Had One Handroll, You've Had 'Em All
Girl: So we could hook up, or go to dinner.
Guy: Well, I don't know. Is the sushi really that good?
--outside Nobu, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Michael
You Stick to Strip Poker, Mr. Hobo
Girl: What the fuck are you doing?
Guy: It was the train.
Girl: No, it fucking wasn't.
Guy: I thought it would be fun.
Girl: You know what would be fun? Me kicking you in the balls.
Guy: That wouldn't be fun.
Hobo: That would be a shitload of fun! Can I play?
--A train
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
A Train System Run Backwards
Teen boy #1: Whoa, you know what I just realized? ATM is MTA backwards.
Teen boy #2: What's MTA?
--Flushing
What, It's Only Okay for Pancakes?
Girl: Oh hey, that's my high school mascot!
Guy: What, a black woman?
--8th & Broadway
The Worst is Dissecting the Quick Brown Fox
HS girl #1: God, I hate English. It's so hard!
HS girl #2: Yeah, I just don't get this whole verb/noun thing.
--Starbucks, 94th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dunkee Hotay
I Think He Was Just Nostalgically Hungry
Girl #1: ...it was so disgusting.
Girl #2: Oh my god, I can't believe you got sexually-harrassed by a three year old.
--Park Slope
It's Much Closer to Poland
Conductor: This is a Queens-bound G train.
Girl #1: This train is going to Queens?
Girl #2: But we're going to Greenpoint!
Woman: This goes to Greenpoint.
Girl #2: Greenpoint is in Queens?
Girl #3: I thought it was in Manhattan.
--G train
Overheard by: p
Cue Sunset and End Credits
Hobo: Do you have the time?
Guy: Quarter past seven.
Hobo: Do you think we'll make it?
Guy: To where?
Hobo: To wherever we're going.
Guy: Yes.
--D train
Overheard by: Dan Cunningham
Creepiest Pickup Line Ever
Guy: Can you get your backpack out of my back?
Boy: There's nowhere to put it.
Guy: Why don't you put it in your ass?
--M86 bus
Nothing Healthier Than Being Unable to Start a Fire
Dude: Do you have any matches?
Shop guy: Buddy, this is a health store, I sure hope we don't have any matches.
Dude: Oh...yeah...I guess you are right.
--Matany Health Food, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jason B.
Seems Like That Lead is Working
Guy #1: They put lead in ice cream so it makes you retarded.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah, they put all sorts of chemicals in food; genocide, pesticide...
--A train
More Like a Muslim Thing
Tourist girl #1: What's with all the Jewish people here? Is it a Jewish holiday or something?
Tourist girl #2: Maybe it's a Mormon thing.
--Ground Zero
Must Be a Ladybug
Girl #1: You can't eat that chicken. There was a bug in it.
Girl #2: But I'm so hungry.
Girl #1: What kind of bug is it anyways?
Girl #2: I don't know. I feel like crying.
--Waverly Diner
That's Why He's Dr. Pepper
Girl: When we were younger, we totally took for granted the fun in playing Spin the Bottle...I would love to play now but it wouldn't be the same.
Man: Yeah, playing now would just end with an abortion two months later.
Girl: Ugh.
--Broadway & 46th
Overheard by: Jeff Rigby
Man, Ben & Jerry Really Ran Out of Flavors
Salesguy #1: Dude, I think I smell or something...
Salesguy #2: You smell like the robust combination of onions and poop.
--The Puma Store, Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: Jeeps
Dude Shot His Insult Load Way Premature
Guy #1: Man, it's cold in here.
Guy #2: That's cause your momma's pussy is so loose.
--A train
Overheard by: Chris Harris
The Urban Statler and Waldorf
Black teen boy #1: What the hell is this?
Black teen boy #2: What are you, stupid? This is what they call
misinterpretive dancing.
--Union Square
They're Fleeing Hungry, Hungry Hobos
Tourist husband: Sure smells bad around here.
Tourist wife: It says Dog Run.
Tourist husband: A place where dogs race?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Innocent XXX
I'm Sure the Reenacting Didn't Help
Black chick #1: So you didn't get the job?
Black chick #2: Nah, I fucked up. I shouldn't have told them I drank when I was younger. I really didn't drink.
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: max
"Wet Dream" Seems Gayer
Guy: It's really been my dream to start writing for Teen Vogue.
Chick: That is quite possibly the gayest sentence ever uttered.
--Random House cafeteria, 56th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
It's Just Paste, You Fucktards
Waif #1: Do you have any of that low-carb gum?
Waif #2: That stuff is super fierce.
Waif #1: I know.
--1 train
Actually Sunday's the Day When God's Asleep
Father: You wanna go pee-pee here?
Son: No!
Father: C'mon, I'll hold you up, you can go in the trash can.
Son: No! I don't wanna, they can see!
Father: Who? Oh, don't worry, it's not Sunday.
--84th & Park
Overheard by: Gabriel Lombardi
Because Mr. Cruise is Clearly Well Balanced
L. Ron Hubtard: Do you have stress?
Man: I live in New York, what the fuck do you think? "Do I have stress?" Fuck you.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: ichi gami
75 Years of Crazy Interrupting Experience, Too
Chick: Okay guys, I'm going to subway surf in heels. I haven't done it in so long, I hope I don't fail.
Old man: You will fail.
Chick: Oh...
Old man: 75% of your weight is on your toes, only 25% is on your heel. You will fall. That's from 25 years of martial arts experience.
--R train
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
The Secret Comedian Cells Spring Into Action
Woman: It's a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What's her name? ...Um...Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Emilia
Suit #1: I know where we are.
Suit #2: Where?
Suit #1: On the corner!
--9th Street & 1st Avenue
Overheard by: Your Mom
Guy: Excuse me, can I tell you a joke?
Girl: ...What?
Guy: Can I tell you a joke?
Girl: ...No.
Guy: Are you su--
Girl: Didn't you fucking hear me, you idiot?
She gets up and starts walking away.
Girl: Jesus Christ, these fucking...
--Central Park
The Pot Calling the Kettle NYPD Blue
Walkie-talkie: Need backup on 49th & Broadway...
Cop #1: 49th & Broadway! Isn't that us?
Cop #2: No, they've already got someone there.
Cop #1: Yeah, us...You're an idiot.
--D train
Overheard by: Nate Luce
These Newfangled Textbooks Are All Crunked Up
HS boy #1: How do you spell "toll"?
HS girl: T-O-L-L.
HS boy #2: Like "pay a toll"?
HS boy #1: Like "take a toll on a nigga."
--F train
Overheard by: Miss B
"Roly Poly" Isn't a Very Funny Pet Name
Guy #1: Dude, you're fat as shit and getting balder by the minute, you really need to lock her in.
Guy #2: I don't know man, she is super cool. She's just so sensitive about everything.
Guy #1: Like what?
Guy #2: I make jokes that she doesn't understand and gets mad really easily and takes everything so personal.
Guy #1: What do you mean?
Guy #2: Well...I guess she just doesn't like it when I make fun of her.
--4 train
Modern Romance (Sponsored by Sprint)
Woman on cell: I'm here now, where are you?
Man on cell: Right in front of you.
--Shake Shack, Madison Square Park
That Amazing 21st Century Technology
Clerk lady #1: There's no price on this, no bar code. I can't sell it.
Clerk lady #2: Hold on, just call accessories.
Clerk lady #1: How do I do that?
Clerk lady #2: Accessories!
--Century 21, Cortlandt Street
Someone Needs to Hire a Closet Organizer
Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don't want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude's jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don't want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he's totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?...No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That's just what his brother told me.
--Q train
Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin's not gay...but he's more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I've ever known.
--Key Food, 4th & A
Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he's gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I've hooked up with like 3 gay guys.
--2 train
Guy #1: You know, I'm really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I'm gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple's all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it's because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg.
--Essex & Houston
Guy #1: I'm not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You're right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag.
--N train
Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas
Wednesday One-liners Buy Heeb Magazine
Girl on cell: Listen, listen. What I'm saying is, why can't we just try to find a way to keep all of the Jews and the non-Jews from like, marrying? Or even interacting?
--Washington Square Park
Wednesday One-liners and the Boob Tube
Guy: I totally agree with the idea behind Family Ties.
--Grassroots Tavern, St. Marks Place
Wednesday's One-liners for Christina Aguilera
Black guy: Man, nigga, you're really dirty. I mean, you're a slob, nigga. You're...you're a fucking Mexican.
--Union Square
Wednesday One-liners Rough It Up
Punk guy: My Slayer button fell off my jacket when I was kicking that dude in the face, so I stopped and picked it up. Then I finished kicking.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Rex Danger
Wednesday One-liners are New to the Area
Tween girl: Are there two Union Squares?
--Union Square West
Overheard by: jessica castro
Wednesday One-liners Use Public Transport
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen...this is not good.
--N train
Overheard by: Melissa
Overheard by: Anonymous
Overheard in the Headlines
Man: My friend asked me if they were shooting a movie, and I said,
"Yeah, it's called Bombscare."
--Astor Place
Will Wednesday One-liners Ever Find True Love?
Hipster girl: Oh, I'm not saying love doesn't exist...just that I'm not going to ever have any, so why shouldn't I just settle for money and sex?
--Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street
Overheard by: Keith
That's a Nice Wednesday One-liners
Guy: So, go out with her! For her it will be a date. For you, it will be a charity event.
--Koi, W. 40th Street
Overheard by: Uptownish
Wednesday One-liners, Class of '09
Girl: Yeah, so I thought my professor was just affected, but today
she admitted she's Canadian.
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Love Margot Kidder
Hobo: Hey man, it's not raining. It's just your imagination.
--36th & 5th
Overheard by: Q-Bert
She's Got Wednesday One-liners Down There
Drunk guy: For the last time, a chick with a dick is a hermaphrodite!
--47th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jerad Lewis
WeDDnesDDay One-liners
Middle-aged man on cell: I've never seen so many tits out in the open in my life.
--The Metropolitan Opera, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Noelle
She Believes in Helping Achieve Statehood
Girl #1: He wasn't even that cute. Like, not good-looking at all.
Girl #2: But you fucked him?
Girl #1: Of course, he was Puerto Rican.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jim VB
Does Lots of Glowing Ooze Count as Mountains?
Woman: I love to cycle myself. You might not believe it, but I'm very good at it.
Guy: Really.
Woman: Yes. I come from the West, where I used to ride really strenuous courses.
Guy: Really.
Woman: Yes. And you know, if they grew some mountains in New Jersey or something, I could do the same here.
--1 train
It's Mostly Cherries, Plums and Lemons
Guy: I think we should get Indian food for dinner.
Girl: Indian food? What do they sell? Buffalo and maize?
--W train
Overheard by: Brent Jordan
Shocking, Isn't It?
Girl: I heard that it costs more to execute someone than to keep them in jail for 40 years.
Guy: Yeah, I heard that too. You know, because of the electricity.
--F train
Overheard by: Amber
Those Dishes Aren't Going to Wash Themselves
Man #1: Look at that bum. It's 2 in the afternoon, and he's just sleeping in a doorway.
Man #2: He's homeless. What the fuck else is he supposed to do?
--Charlton & Hudson
Like Twix, It's Two for Me, None for You
Tourist woman #1: I'd like to speak to a nun.
Receptionist lady: The nuns don't talk to the public. You can meet with a priest. He'll be available in an hour. Is anything wrong?
Tourist woman #1: We were going up for communion and the minister asked my friend if she was Catholic.
Receptionist lady: Is she Catholic?
Tourist woman #2: I'm Methodist. We take communion too.
-- St. Patrick's Cathedral Rectory
Overheard by: Traveler Bill
The Rejected UNCF Advertising Character
Black guy #1: How many credits are you taking this semester?
Black guy #2: 12.
Black guy #1: Why so few credits?
Black guy #2: What do you mean, why so few credits?
Black guy #1: Yeah, why so few credits?
Black guy #2: Tuition, nigga!
--B52 bus
Overheard by: Andrea Quijano
I'm Never Going to Figure Out This Dumb Language
Older guy: What time is it?
Younger guy: Tuesday.
Translated from the Spanish.
--91st & Columbus
Overheard by: Jane T.
Stuy Has Nothing to Do with This Conversation
Guy: So...this is Bedford Avenue, right?
Chick: Yeah...
Guy: So...are we in Bedford-Stuyvesant?
--Williamsburg
Many of Us Are Even at Jim's Level
Yuppie mom #1: Can you believe that there are people living in this city who make under two hundred thousand dollars?
Yuppie mom #2: Really?
Yuppie mom #1: Yes, I'd never do that. I wouldn't want to live like a Huckleberry Finn.
The conversation then got too low for me to hear after they saw I was eavesdropping and giving them the evil eye.
--Riverside Park
Careful, Lest They Seek Revenge
Preppy guy: I wonder what those nerds are up to over there.
Indian chick: How can you tell they're nerds from over here?
Preppy guy: The only girl with them has a really fat ass and one of the guys has a ponytail.
Indian chick: That's pretty harsh.
Preppy guy: I just said they're nerds. I'm sure they're great people. Probably better than anybody we know.
Indian chick: You think so?
Preppy guy: No. They're nerds.
--McGolrick Park, Greenpoint
That's Why It's the Ironyvator
Dude #1: What're you even talking about?
Dude #2: The thing with Cheryl.
Dude #1: What's wrong with you? That was this morning! Get over it, already!
Dude #2: Uh...what'd you think I was talking about?
Dude #1: The asshole who shoved past us on the escalator.
Dude #2: Oh...I didn't notice.
Dude #1: See? That kind of thing, that's what Cheryl was talking about. She has a point, you know.
--Penn Station
Henceforth to Be Known as the "Ironyvator"
Guy #1: Get out of the way! You're in the walking lane and
people are trying to pass.
Guy #2: What walking lane? Only an idiot would walk on an elevator. People who walk are idiots.
Guy #1: This is called an escalator.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Nicole Victoria
Girl: Let's take the stairs.
Guy: But the stairs are so...leg-oriented.
--Tisch School of the Arts
Guy: It's like a conveyor belt for miserable people.
--Penn Station
Then a Colony, and Then an Island
Girl: Didn't you say pubic hair came back in style?
Guy #1: Yes, thank god. I hated the Brazilian wax. Made me feel like a pedophile.
Guy #2: What's a Brazilian wax?
Girl: It's when everything goes. Totally bare.
Guy #1: Yeah. Brazilian originally meant "ass wax only."
Guy #2: And then it became a country?
--West Broadway between Thomas & Duane
Tomorrow: Cut or Uncut?
Teen Latina cashier: Jason asked me out.
Tween Latina bagger: Which Jason?
Teen Latina cashier: Jason. Honda.
Tween Latina bagger: H'mmm?
Teen Latina cashier: Blue Honda hatch...Blue Honda hatch, dual pipe. Tinted rear. Spinners.
Tween Latina bagger: Oh, yeah.
--Foodtown, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Capn Midnite
Were It a Guy, It Would Be Foreplay
Jason Mraz: I pride myself on trying to be a normal guy--
Girl in audience: Let's have sex!
Jason Mraz: --See, that's not normal. Hey, and since this is technically my place of work, isn't that sexual harrassment?
--Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Amelia Stanley
Think of the Starving Baby Birds in Africa
Guy on cell: Yeah...right...uh huh...hold on a second.
He leans over and throws up on the sidewalk.
Guy on cell: What were you saying?
--59th & 5th
Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard
Woman #1: I wanna get really stoned so I can throw up.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Just to know I can.
--LIRR
Girl: I want to throw up. Like, I have some puke in the back of my throat.
--Broadway & West 4th
Overheard by: Julia
Because the Sharks Think It's Sushi
Guy: My 9 month old nephew visited today, then my dad and stepmom went sailing.
Girl: The baby went sailing too?
Guy: No, you don't take a baby out on a sailboat!
Girl: Well, why not? I mean as long as it is wearing a life preserver, what's the problem?
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex Duke
It's Like a Steven Wright Wet Dream
HS boy #1: Okay, who's Pavlov?
HS boy #2: I don't know, it doesn't ring a bell.
--N train
Overheard by: Tania D, who "almost died laughing"
Tales From the Dork Continent
Guy: What language is that?
Girl #1: French.
Guy: Where are you girls from?
Girl #1: Morocco.
Guy: Oh, it's really beautiful there. Really wealthy too, right?
Girl #2: That's Monaco.
--Elevator, Lexington between 31st & 32nd
Hipster guy: So where are you from originally?
Cabbie: West Africa.
Hipster guy: Oh, really? Where?
Cabbie: Africous.
Hipster guy: Where?
Cabbie: Afri-cous*.
Hipster guy: Wow. I thought I knew all the countries in Africa.
Cabbie: Yes, you know it. It is beautiful.
--Astoria cab
*Ivory Coast through a West African accent.
Overheard by: Martha K, also in the cab
Girl #1: Seriously, don't ask me to go dancing if we're not in South America.
Girl #2: Ha, ha. Yeah. What about Europe?
Girl #1: Eh...
Girl #2: Like, Spain.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess Spain. And maybe Morocco.
Girl #2: Morocco is in Africa.
Girl #1: Pretend like I didn't just say that.
Girl #2: Now I understand why you dropped out of college!
--1 train
Overheard by: h. goldmine
I Ain't Evolved From No Damn Sea Monkey!
Woman #1: When we got off the cruise we had to adapt to having land legs.
Woman #2: Well, sea legs is probably our natural state, from way back.
--100th & Broadway
Yet They'll Still Blame the Media
Chick #1: Like I lost 18 pounds, does it show?
Chick #2: Yeah! How did you do it?
Chick #1: I stop eating at 4 every day.
Chick #2: Wow, is that healthy?
Chick #1: I dunno, it works. It started when my trainer said,
"Bitch, you're fat. Face it, your BMI is too high."
--Port Authority ladies' room
Overheard by: Bibi B
Woman: So I asked him, "How come I make 3 million dollars a year and you still don't want me?" And he said, "Because you are a fat fucking cow!"
--Astor Place
Overheard by: bogica
We Shan't Overcome
White lady: As a black man, how do you feel about Al Sharpton?...Because I know how I feel about him, but I'm not black.
--Office, Park Avenue
Overheard by: Peasant
Hobo: ...Lick Al Sharpton's balls! Suck out his asshole! You're Democrats! It's your job!
--18th & 7th
Overheard by: A & J
F--king with the Imports (NYC Short Stories)
Tourist lady: Does this A train go to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train doesn't go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: Is this the A train?
NY chick: Yes.
Tourist lady: And it goes to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train does not go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: But I need the A train.
NY chick: This is it.
Tourist lady: I need the A train to Jamaica.
NY chick: The A train does not...Oh forget it. This is your train, lady, get on!
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Cat
Tourist guy: Do you live here?...Excuse me, do you live here?
Black woman: Yeah, what do you want?
Tourist guy: Is this the 6 train?
Black woman: Yeah, sure.
Tourist guy: So it will take me to Grand Central?
Black woman: Yeah, no doubt...But it's weekend, so you never know where the train is going to take you.
--Q train
Overheard by: Josh
I Guess They Still Haunt the Classrooms
Professor guy: I am not taking questions now! I will take questions after class.
Student dude: ...Excuse me, who are you talking to?
--Vanderbilt Hall, Washington Square South
Because Then You're No Better Than the Students
Professor guy: What is "piecemeal legislation"?
Dude: Um...
Professor guy: Well, define the term "piecemeal".
Dude: I'm not familiar with that word.
Professor guy: ...Why don't I just commit suicide right now?
--NYU, University & 8th
Overheard by: Leah Beirne
These Aliens Sure Can't Pass for Human
Girl #1: You know, I've never met a gay person that wasn't West Indian.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah. You know [Toby] in the office? He came in today and asked me how much time off he could get when he gets married to his boyfriend.
Girl #2: But he's bald!...And he's not West Indian.
Girl #1: Oh yeah.
--3 train
Then Miss Hannigan Beats 'Em Like There's No Tomorrow
Drunk guy: I lost my voice last night; I haven't lost my voice since high school.
Sober guy: Only little bitches lose their voice.
Drunk guy: True.
--1st Avenue between 3rd & 4th
He Knows What Today Is
Black cyclist guy: Where's all the black people around here? Did y'all eat all the black people?
White girl: They taste yummy!
--Houston & West Broadway
Overheard by: alyssa
Go Ask a White Girl
Girl: Are those tighty whities?
Guy: Yeah, it's laundry day.
Girl: Then why drop your drawers in a bar?
--Danny Boys, Staten Island
Overheard by: bawookie
Why Is She Asking Him?
Hobo: Can you spare some change?
White girl: What? Why don't you ask anyone else around here? What is this, "Ask the White Girl Day"?
--Bushwick
I Guess She's Got a Big Cock, Then
Tipsy chick #1: Like, I kept drinking, but it really didn't taste like there was any alcohol in it. So I just kept drinking.
Tipsy chick #2: You are a fratboy's dream.
--Macdougal between 3rd & Bleecker
Overheard by: djlindee
Oh Crap, They're Seceding Again
HS girl: So how was your love life over the summer?
HS boy: I hooked up with the Prime Minister of Georgia's daughter.
--67th & Amsterdam
It Did Almost Get Away From Us There
Actor guy #1: Are you from the South?
Actor guy #2: The South of this country?
--Lehman College
Overheard by: BriGuy Ferrari
It's All Brave New World Up in Here
Girl: Is your package big?
Guy: ...I don't know...depends on what my mom ordered.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bowserhsu
We Should Start Requiring Passports
B&T girl #1: Ow, my ears just popped.
B&T girl #2: Yeah, that's because we just went into the Lincoln tunnel.
--LIRR, East River
The Taming of the Shrewd
Chick #1: What is that, [a picture of] a barn?
Chick #2: No, it's the Globe.
Chick #1: What are you, a wench?
--Perry & West 4th
They Must Have Seen X-men
Ghetto guy: Dat movie was da bomb.
Ghetto hoochie: Yeah guy, 10 thumbs up!
--City Cinemas Village East, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Faceman
Just Ask Dave Thomas
Teen girl: Why are we here? Why can't we just go to McDonalds?
Teen guy: This is much better, trust me.
Teen girl: But I know what I like at McDonalds.
Teen guy: But this is much better quality than McDonalds. This is good for you, it's healthy.
--Wendy's, Castle Hill
Overheard by: Stef
Haven't You Heard of This Midwest Place?
Guy: We could go to Coyote Ugly.
Girl: Or Cheap Shots!
Guy: Ugh.
Girl: Boo-yah! I bet that's the only place down here I could yell "boo-yah" and people would yell it with me. With sincerity.
--1st Avenue & 9th Street
Don't Tell Kermit They Had a Kid
Girl #1: I keep all my money in that piggy bank you gave me.
Girl #2: Piggy bank?
Girl #1: Actually it was a bear, wasn't it? I save my money in that piggy bear.
--7 train
Well, He's Not in a Coma!
Girl: Yeah...but I have my period, so we can't have sex.
Guy: That doesn't matter. See? It just shows that I love you.
Girl: What it shows is that you want head.
--St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: Brock
Katrina and the Government Made Sure of That
Teen boy: Tweety Bird is a boy or girl?
Teen girl: It's a boy. They got a blue Tweety too, I seen it.
Teen boy: Yeah yeah, they got a black Tweety Bird, too. I seen it before.
Teen girl: Where did you see a black Tweety? There ain't no black Tweety, stupid.
--D train
Overheard by: christian koch
It's Oh So Quiet in Hanoi?
Guy #1: Yeah, Iceland has a small Southeast Asian population. Mostly Vietnamese.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: I'm not sure.
Guy #2: Maybe Vietnam was an Icelandic colony.
Guy #1: I really doubt it, idiot.
--52nd & 6th
A Whole New Level of Decadence
Girl: Oh, so he's a total stoner?
Guy: Yeah, he only does coke when you shove it up his nose.
--14th & 1st
Clay was at the Bottom of the Contestants
Queer #1: ...Well, he's going to start his own porn company and he asked me to shoot for it.
Queer #2: So are you going to do it?
Queer #1: Hell, yeah! And I get to go auditions and sit there like Simon Cowell and be like, "You're hot; you're gross."
Queer #2: So when they do auditions do they make them try out and do blowjobs and stuff?
Queer #1: No I just think they make them get naked.
--F train
Overheard by: Joe M.
It Was One Hell of a Long Delivery
Twin girl #A: It's my birthday on Sunday...
Unique girl #1: Oh, so like, your sister was the one whose birthday it was Thursday. God, this must be so confusing for you guys.
Unique girl #2: Um, no, I highly doubt it is. They're twins; they were born on the same day!
Unique girl #1: Did your parents just change it on the birth certificate to make it less confusing...or what? I would've just let you guys keep the different birthdays.
--40th & 5th
Sounds Like It Worked Perfectly
Yuppie guy #1: Well, they're in that "Baby-Coma mood" for, like, the first, three or four months. You can basically plop 'em down anywhere, and they just stay there. It's cool.
Yuppie guy #2: But what if it starts wailin'?
Yuppie guy #1: Oh, then you give it to the wife. You just say, kinda sweet-like, "Someone wants his Mom-my."
Yuppie guy #2: That works?
Yuppie guy #1: That's what my brother-in-law said...But then again, he is divorced now.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Rory J. Thompson
They're Still Wearing Those Juicy Pants?
Girl #1: Ew...what's this spot on my pants?
Girl #2: Sperm?
Girl #1: God, I wish!
--Washington Square South
It's All Downhill After Canal
Man: This is 57th and behind us is Madison and that's Park Avenue ahead, so 56th Street is to the right.
Matthew Perry: So it's set up like a grid?
--57th between Park & Madison
Overheard by: joseph Caruso