Like When Newter Gingrich Rants About Gay Marriage

Man in hard hat: My dog Sparky is still in the hospital. The doctor wants to neuter him.
Polite, uncomfortable woman: Really, that is too bad… Has he fathered puppies before?
Man in hard hat: No. But I am going to ship his testicles via FedEx to Iowa. It will cost $200 to freeze his sperm.
Polite, uncomfortable woman: Wow! Um… interesting. (then to friend, as man in hard hat walks away) It was so hard to keep a straight face!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Gigglerocks

Wednesday One-Liners Find Their Niche

Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?!

–Old Navy, Harlem

Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!?

–F Train

Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass!

–St Mark's Place

Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back!

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: torrie

Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone!

–1st & 14th

Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass.

–forever 21 (queens center mall)

Overheard by: defragment my harddrive

Wednesday One-Liners Go Back to School

Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions! –FIT Suit on cell: I don’t know if going through water is resistance or friction, do you? God! I am so tired of doing the kid’s homework! –46th between 7th & 8th Female student: I think I’m gonna learn a lot. They were saying things that went, like, right over my head. –Fordham Overheard by: Jess McGins NYU girl on cell: No, I’m not going to waste the credits. I’m just going to fail the class on purpose. –Bleecker & Mercer Overheard by: Kristin Drunk chick: I’m majoring in the doggy-style orgasm. –Slainte, 1st & Bowery Overheard by: Genevieve Professor to class: Most of you are familiar with the breasts of members of the opposite sex who are close to your own age. –Columbia University Medical Center Professor: I have no idea what you’re saying, but I know you’re wrong. –Vanderbilt Hall, NYU Overheard by: The King Adrock

Tonight's Movie: No Country for Old Manganese

Student: Professor, is manganese good for you?
Elderly chemistry professor: It's allegedly related to that… What's that old age thing?
Student: Alzheimer's?
Elderly chemistry professor: Right. That.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: Denali


If I Said You Had a Wednesday One-Liner, Would You Hold It Against Me?

Chick on cell: And he had a tiny little body and a tiny little head, and I was just like, "um, no."

–Equinox Gym, Wall Street

Overheard by: Ladle

Security guard, talking about senior citizens: If they sit around the house all day because they actually can't use their legs, it's fine. But if they can still use their legs and get around, but choose to stay at home, that's no good. No good.

–Museum of Chinese in America

Bar patron to bartender: If you give me a free shot, I'll rub your feet.

–Greenwood Heights

Overheard by: Sunny

Girl to friend: Well you know, it hurts at first… but then it expands. (opens cleched fist with a larger hole) And then it feels like you have a tail!

–Subway Coney Island

Overheard by: Torgrim