Wednesday One-Liners Make Way for the Mammals

20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!

–N train, Broadway stop, Astoria

Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?

Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!

–E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"

Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.

–Manhattan-bound 7 train

Overheard by: Kevp

Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras… or dinosaurs.

–Museum of Natural History

Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? ‘Cause you touch yourself at night!

–14th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Stella

Because You’re Worth It

Cropped girl #1: Why doesn’t Dawn have any other friends?
Cropped girl #2: Would you hang out with her?
Long-haired girl: Yes. She has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #1: Well, you are easier than other people.
Cropped girl #2: This is why she is our friend.
Long-haired girl: But neither of you has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #2: But I did when you first met me.
Long-haired girl: And that has held over.

–13th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Lola

NYC: The Best Restaurants Beget the Best Eating Disorders

Well-dressed girl #1: You know what?
Well-dressed girl #2: What?
Well-dressed girl #1: Throwing up at work really isn’t as bad as it seems. –Prince Street between Lafayette & Mulberry Waif #1: Ugh. I feel so fat…I feel so gross. I’m not going to fit into any of my summer clothes…I’ve been trying to be so good, going to the gym everyday and everything.
Waif #2: You’re not fat.
Waif #1: Yes I am. You can only say that because you’re thin…I ate a salad today for lunch. But then I just ate all of these sweet thingamajiggies. –W train Overheard by: Nora S. Columbia chick on cell: …I mean, like, yesterday I totally pigged out on salad. –116th & Broadway Overheard by: djlindee

Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Admiring Student

Did Wednesday Crawl Up Your One-Liner and Die?

Man on phone: So you know that guy whose mouth I farted in? He was totally at the bar last night.

–4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: not that guy

Hobo to his dog: Was that you who farted or me? Because I think it was you.

–67th & Amsterdam

NYU kid on cell: No, no, dude! You're not hearing me! I'm telling you that we were playing the game "I never" and the question was "I've never farted in an elevator" …yeah! I know! But here's the thing, dude! She claimed she'd never farted! (laughs) Nooo, dude! You heard me right: Never ever. And I gotta tell you, bro: it's creepin' me out!

–La Guardia b/w Bleecker & Houston

Overheard by: Elevator Bomb Dropper

Jealous guy: I hope her boyfriend farts in her face and she gets pink eye.

–L Train

Woman on cell: Now, honey, tell the truth. Did you fart on Santa's lap?

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike N

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once. –Boerum Hill Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia… –19th between 5th & 6th Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?” –NYU Brittany Hall elevator Overheard by: Andrei Alupului Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department… –H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th Overheard by: Sophia Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised. –Juilliard cafeteria Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…” –Union Pool, Williamsburg Overheard by: Joe Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont… –N train Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home! –13th & 4th

Wednesday One-Liners With Lipstick on Their Collars

Wife to husband, walking with their two children: Sole custody? After what you did? I'd like to see you try it. You committed bigamy and had two illegitimate children. Sole custody!

–96th & 2nd Ave

Guy retelling story to date: And I was like, "dude, I'm not going to fucking high-five you! You tag-teamed my girlfriend!"

–Bar, West Village

Married guy to friend: I can't believe it, my wife just cockblocked me.

–NYE Party

Man on cell: I've been cheating on her for 25 years, the least I can do is take her to Vegas.

–59th & Lexington